Category: I’m Only Here For The Food

Khloe Kardashian’s Diet Is Really Boring

June 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Khloe Kardashian used to be known as the bigger Kardashian (that honor now goes to Rob), but she has since shrunk over the past few years. You too could look like Khloe, but not all of us have the money or time for a diet rich in surgery and Photoshop. Good news! You can also achieve Khloe’s results with what you put into your body. No, not pro athlete dicks. I’m talking about food.

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McDonald’s Introduced A French Fries Fork Called “The Frork”

May 3, 2017 / Posted by:

Have you ever dipped a french fry into some ketchup and thought: “How undignified! If only there was some kind of contraption that would class up the process.” You’re in luck! McDonald’s has created the plastic fries-holding handle of your dreams. First chicken chips, now this? Don’t ever say that fast food isn’t the leader in technical innovation.

McDonald’s has three new burgers on the menu and to get the word out about their Signature Crafted Recipes, they hired Anthony Sullivan for a fake infomercial promoting The Frork. The Frork is supposed to help you pick up all the sloppy sauce that falls out of your burger. Oh, that’s terrific. I can’t tell you how often I’ve eagerly scooped up sauce with my hand and mistaken a finger for a french fry.

Here’s how it works: First mush three fries into the Frork handle. Then smear it through the fallen sauce. Lastly, shove the whole thing in your mouth.

Obviously The Frork is a joke, because let’s face it, no McDonald’s customer is going to use a tool that makes the fries eating process slower. McDonald’s chef Michael Haracz tells Adweek they came up with The Frork to show McDonald’s customers they’re willing to do “whatever it takes to help them enjoy every last bite.” I’m sorry Chef Mike, but The Frork isn’t going to cut it. The only thing preventing me from fully enjoying McDonald’s is my own body. Chewing is just so hard; sometimes I get tired and have to stop before I finish my second double cheeseburger. If there was some way to easily unhinge my jaw to allow for food to slide down easier. Get on it, Chef Mike.

Pic: YouTube

Starbucks’ Latest Frapp Is An Enchanted Vomit Nightmare

April 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Unicorn shit is so hot right now. When I say shit, I mean there is literally no end to the stuff you can buy that looks like someone let a unicorn drag its dirty butt across it first. Makeup. Toast. Dildos. Starbucks has recently decided to hop on the unicorn trend bandwagon with a pink and blue monstrosity called the Unicorn Frappuccino, available starting tomorrow.

Starbucks says that the Unicorn Frapp is a color-shifting drink that starts out purple, then turns to pink, then blue. Starbucks takes a crème base and blends it with mango syrup and a sour blue drizzle, then finishes it with whipped cream and pink and blue powder. Here’s what the Unicorn Frapp looks like in real life. It looks like an edible Shampoodle.

The Unicorn Frappuccino will be available from April 19 until April 23 in participating Starbucks in the US, Canada, and Mexico.

I bet the second Britney Spears (Queen of Frapps) and Mariah Carey (Official Liason Between Humans and Unicorns) found out about this unholy union, they called each other up, screaming with excitement and made a date to be the first in line to buy one. Or maybe they’ve already tried it? I bet they were the masterminds behind this frapp. I know Starbucks wants to take credit for the Unicorn Frapp, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it came into existence after Britney Spears and Mariah Carey ambushed a Starbucks, Bonnie and Clyde-style, and demanded the baristas let them chug directly from all the syrup dispensers and snort the sugar powder.

Pic: Instagram

Scarlett Johansson Is Now A Parisian Popcorn Mogul

October 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Not content to simply be a very rich Hollywood actress or a wannabe singer, Scarlett Johansson has decided to diversify the ScarJo brand by opening a gourmet popcorn shop in Paris. I guess Scarlett Johansson and her French husband Romain Dauriac were tired of jerking off a tinfoil pan of Jiffy Pop like the rest of us. A press release went out earlier today announcing the opening of a fancy popcorn shop this Saturday called – wait for it – Yummy Pop. Congratulations on coming up with a name in less time than it takes to salt pop corn.

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I Too Would Make The Same Face If My Diet Was Mostly Fruit And Vegetables

May 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Olivia Munn, seen above looking like she really regrets letting a stylist put her in a while skirt, recently admitted to Women’s Health (via E! News) that her body became 12 lbs lighter during the filming of X-Men: Apocalypse. And how did she do it? Was it exercise? Atkins? Coke cut with TrimSpa? That laxative tea that the Kardashians are always pimping on Instagram? No, it was eating almost nothing but fruit and vegetables. Don’t worry, I also shuddered at the thought of spending all day on the toilet releasing an endless stream of fiber-filled poops.

“My intention was to just get as fit and as healthy as I could be, for myself. By the time I was finished [filming], I was 12 pounds less than I started! It’s a big difference because I started working out every single day, and then I also started getting into eating 20-80, where 80 percent of your diet is fruits and vegetables and 20 percent is whatever.”

Whatever? Amateur” thought Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. So apparently Japanese potatoes are the reason for Olivia’s new face and they’re also part of the reason for Olivia’s new body. Speaking of her new face, she also talked about her face (again) and how she still isn’t here for people taking a magnifying glass to recent pictures of her.

“I think…when you’re in the public eye, [scrutiny] does come with it. People want to say things. My girlfriend, she said to me the other day, ‘If people are wondering why you look younger, it’s better than them asking why do you look older.'”

Being asked about why you look different can suck no matter what the reason. I lost a lil’ weight once and a friend asked me how. The look she gave me when I confessed that my “secret” was eating a diet rich in Target popcorn was enough to make me wish I could go back in time and tell her to mind her own damn business. You should never feel pressured to reveal your truly shameful diet secrets.

Ruby Rose Was Kicked Out Of A Bar For Allegedly Throwing A French Fry-Filled Tantrum On Friday

May 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Apparently Ruby Rose has more in common with Justin Bieber than just delicate faces and a love of random tattoos. On Friday, Ruby Rose, from Orange is the New Black, was kicked out of a bar in New Orleans. Ruby Rose was kicked out after she got into a fight with bar staff and assaulted them with french fries.

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