Category: I’m Only Here For The Food

Starbucks’ Latest Frapp Is An Enchanted Vomit Nightmare

April 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Unicorn shit is so hot right now. When I say shit, I mean there is literally no end to the stuff you can buy that looks like someone let a unicorn drag its dirty butt across it first. Makeup. Toast. Dildos. Starbucks has recently decided to hop on the unicorn trend bandwagon with a pink and blue monstrosity called the Unicorn Frappuccino, available starting tomorrow.

Starbucks says that the Unicorn Frapp is a color-shifting drink that starts out purple, then turns to pink, then blue. Starbucks takes a crème base and blends it with mango syrup and a sour blue drizzle, then finishes it with whipped cream and pink and blue powder. Here’s what the Unicorn Frapp looks like in real life. It looks like an edible Shampoodle.

The Unicorn Frappuccino will be available from April 19 until April 23 in participating Starbucks in the US, Canada, and Mexico.

I bet the second Britney Spears (Queen of Frapps) and Mariah Carey (Official Liason Between Humans and Unicorns) found out about this unholy union, they called each other up, screaming with excitement and made a date to be the first in line to buy one. Or maybe they’ve already tried it? I bet they were the masterminds behind this frapp. I know Starbucks wants to take credit for the Unicorn Frapp, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it came into existence after Britney Spears and Mariah Carey ambushed a Starbucks, Bonnie and Clyde-style, and demanded the baristas let them chug directly from all the syrup dispensers and snort the sugar powder.

Pic: Instagram

Scarlett Johansson Is Now A Parisian Popcorn Mogul

October 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Not content to simply be a very rich Hollywood actress or a wannabe singer, Scarlett Johansson has decided to diversify the ScarJo brand by opening a gourmet popcorn shop in Paris. I guess Scarlett Johansson and her French husband Romain Dauriac were tired of jerking off a tinfoil pan of Jiffy Pop like the rest of us. A press release went out earlier today announcing the opening of a fancy popcorn shop this Saturday called – wait for it – Yummy Pop. Congratulations on coming up with a name in less time than it takes to salt pop corn.

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I Too Would Make The Same Face If My Diet Was Mostly Fruit And Vegetables

May 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Olivia Munn, seen above looking like she really regrets letting a stylist put her in a while skirt, recently admitted to Women’s Health (via E! News) that her body became 12 lbs lighter during the filming of X-Men: Apocalypse. And how did she do it? Was it exercise? Atkins? Coke cut with TrimSpa? That laxative tea that the Kardashians are always pimping on Instagram? No, it was eating almost nothing but fruit and vegetables. Don’t worry, I also shuddered at the thought of spending all day on the toilet releasing an endless stream of fiber-filled poops.

“My intention was to just get as fit and as healthy as I could be, for myself. By the time I was finished [filming], I was 12 pounds less than I started! It’s a big difference because I started working out every single day, and then I also started getting into eating 20-80, where 80 percent of your diet is fruits and vegetables and 20 percent is whatever.”

Whatever? Amateur” thought Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. So apparently Japanese potatoes are the reason for Olivia’s new face and they’re also part of the reason for Olivia’s new body. Speaking of her new face, she also talked about her face (again) and how she still isn’t here for people taking a magnifying glass to recent pictures of her.

“I think…when you’re in the public eye, [scrutiny] does come with it. People want to say things. My girlfriend, she said to me the other day, ‘If people are wondering why you look younger, it’s better than them asking why do you look older.'”

Being asked about why you look different can suck no matter what the reason. I lost a lil’ weight once and a friend asked me how. The look she gave me when I confessed that my “secret” was eating a diet rich in Target popcorn was enough to make me wish I could go back in time and tell her to mind her own damn business. You should never feel pressured to reveal your truly shameful diet secrets.

Ruby Rose Was Kicked Out Of A Bar For Allegedly Throwing A French Fry-Filled Tantrum On Friday

May 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Apparently Ruby Rose has more in common with Justin Bieber than just delicate faces and a love of random tattoos. On Friday, Ruby Rose, from Orange is the New Black, was kicked out of a bar in New Orleans. Ruby Rose was kicked out after she got into a fight with bar staff and assaulted them with french fries.

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Katt Williams Got Arrested Again, This Time At A Seafood Restaurant

April 28, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s been a whole month since we last heard anything about Katt Williams, and I was starting to get a little worried. But there’s no need to send out a search party, because Katt is back and he’s brought an arrest, a new mugshot, and a story that involves beating a dude with a salt shaker and a hide-out at a Waffle House with him. Uh…welcome back? I guess?

TMZ and WSB-TV2 Atlanta are reporting that police were called to a seafood restaurant in Atlanta, GA on Wednesday evening after Katt Williams allegedly started a fight with the manager. Around 10:30pm, Katt and his friends entered the restaurant, refused to wait to be seated, and just took a table. TMZ says that shortly after they broke Restaurant Commandment #1 (“Thou shalt not seat thyselves wherever the fucketh you want unless we sayeth so”), the manager of the restaurant swung by their table and got into it with them for not waiting to be seated. Katt allegedly decided to take the fight to the next level by grabbing a salt shaker and whipping it at the manager’s face. Feel free to make your own “assault with a salt” jokes here.

Katt’s salt shaker caught the manager on the lip and he started bleeding. That’s when Katt bailed. When the cops arrived, Katt was no where to be found. Katt was found a short while later at a nearby Waffle House, where he was arrested and charged with battery. Katt posted bond and was back on the streets around 12:30am.

This story is all kind of crazy, but considering the circumstances, it could have been so much more. Katt had access to all manner of makeshift weapons and a salt shaker was the closest thing to him. If The Butterfly Effect has taught me anything, it’s that if Katt had arrived a few seconds earlier or later, that salt shaker could have just as easily been a lobster tail or a plate of fried clams. But I think the craziest thing about this story is that the actual fight didn’t happen at the Waffle House. Katt Williams and a Waffle House sounds like a perfect storm of messiness.

Pic: East Point Police Department via TMZ

Kristin Cavallari Is Now An Authority On Food

March 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Former Laguna Beach cast member and current expert in basic baby names Kristin Cavallari is nothing if not passionate about spreading “the truth” about chemicals and toxins. She taught us all there is to know about vaccinations (ie. vaccinations are bad), and now she has moved on to the human diet. Kristin has a book out right now called Balancing in Heels, and she’s clearly coming for Gwyneth Paltrow’s “My insides are healthier than your insides” enlightened rich bitch crown.

According to People, Kristin writes in her book that she’s “become a psycho” about reading food labels and researching ingredients she doesn’t know about. Apparently it’s not just the child-murdering chemicals in polio immunizations that Kristin is protecting her kids from. Kristin would rather wake up with her old nose than let her children eat food containing GMOs, antibiotics, growth hormones, or “toxic chemicals.

But Kristin isn’t doing it just for the smug mommy endorphins that get released every time she talks about what’s in her fridge. Kristin says that switching over to eating mostly organic foods, wild-caught fish, and grass-fed beef, has helped her unfrozen caveman husband Jay Cutler manage his type-1 diabetes and blood pressure. She also claims it’s the reason her family is rarely sick.

Kristin also really loves goat milk. After Kristin stopped breastfeeding her sons Camden and Jaxon, she found they had a problem with cow milk. Rather than giving them soy milk (because, as Kristin would like you to know, it’s “usually genetically modified“), she put them on a homemade goat milk formula. She doesn’t say where she gets her goat milk from. But since Kristin is such a “psycho” about where her food comes from, I’m going to assume she bought a goat and milks it every morning while interrogating it about what it ate the day before. “Are you SURE you haven’t ingested any non-organic grass? Don’t lie to me, I saw you sniffing over near the neighbor’s fence yesterday.

Here’s Kristin looking like the keyboard player from a knock-off Partridge Family cover band called The Pigeon Gang while selling her book at GMA on Tuesday.

Pics: Kristin Cavallari, Splash

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