Category: I’m Only Here For The Food

KFCs In the UK Are Closing Over A Chicken Shortage Crisis 

February 20, 2018 / Posted by:

There’s extra crispy drama unfolding at hundreds of KFC locations in Britain, and it’s all because of some missing chicken. According to The Washington Post, Jujubee’s nightmare came true in Britain this weekend when hundreds of KFC locations were forced to temporarily close due to not receiving chicken deliveries.

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Khloe Kardashian’s Diet Is Really Boring

June 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Khloe Kardashian used to be known as the bigger Kardashian (that honor now goes to Rob), but she has since shrunk over the past few years. You too could look like Khloe, but not all of us have the money or time for a diet rich in surgery and Photoshop. Good news! You can also achieve Khloe’s results with what you put into your body. No, not pro athlete dicks. I’m talking about food.

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McDonald’s Introduced A French Fries Fork Called “The Frork”

May 3, 2017 / Posted by:

Have you ever dipped a french fry into some ketchup and thought: “How undignified! If only there was some kind of contraption that would class up the process.” You’re in luck! McDonald’s has created the plastic fries-holding handle of your dreams. First chicken chips, now this? Don’t ever say that fast food isn’t the leader in technical innovation.

McDonald’s has three new burgers on the menu and to get the word out about their Signature Crafted Recipes, they hired Anthony Sullivan for a fake infomercial promoting The Frork. The Frork is supposed to help you pick up all the sloppy sauce that falls out of your burger. Oh, that’s terrific. I can’t tell you how often I’ve eagerly scooped up sauce with my hand and mistaken a finger for a french fry.

Here’s how it works: First mush three fries into the Frork handle. Then smear it through the fallen sauce. Lastly, shove the whole thing in your mouth.

Obviously The Frork is a joke, because let’s face it, no McDonald’s customer is going to use a tool that makes the fries eating process slower. McDonald’s chef Michael Haracz tells Adweek they came up with The Frork to show McDonald’s customers they’re willing to do “whatever it takes to help them enjoy every last bite.” I’m sorry Chef Mike, but The Frork isn’t going to cut it. The only thing preventing me from fully enjoying McDonald’s is my own body. Chewing is just so hard; sometimes I get tired and have to stop before I finish my second double cheeseburger. If there was some way to easily unhinge my jaw to allow for food to slide down easier. Get on it, Chef Mike.

Pic: YouTube

Starbucks’ Latest Frapp Is An Enchanted Vomit Nightmare

April 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Unicorn shit is so hot right now. When I say shit, I mean there is literally no end to the stuff you can buy that looks like someone let a unicorn drag its dirty butt across it first. Makeup. Toast. Dildos. Starbucks has recently decided to hop on the unicorn trend bandwagon with a pink and blue monstrosity called the Unicorn Frappuccino, available starting tomorrow.

Starbucks says that the Unicorn Frapp is a color-shifting drink that starts out purple, then turns to pink, then blue. Starbucks takes a crème base and blends it with mango syrup and a sour blue drizzle, then finishes it with whipped cream and pink and blue powder. Here’s what the Unicorn Frapp looks like in real life. It looks like an edible Shampoodle.

The Unicorn Frappuccino will be available from April 19 until April 23 in participating Starbucks in the US, Canada, and Mexico.

I bet the second Britney Spears (Queen of Frapps) and Mariah Carey (Official Liason Between Humans and Unicorns) found out about this unholy union, they called each other up, screaming with excitement and made a date to be the first in line to buy one. Or maybe they’ve already tried it? I bet they were the masterminds behind this frapp. I know Starbucks wants to take credit for the Unicorn Frapp, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it came into existence after Britney Spears and Mariah Carey ambushed a Starbucks, Bonnie and Clyde-style, and demanded the baristas let them chug directly from all the syrup dispensers and snort the sugar powder.

Pic: Instagram

Scarlett Johansson Is Now A Parisian Popcorn Mogul

October 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Not content to simply be a very rich Hollywood actress or a wannabe singer, Scarlett Johansson has decided to diversify the ScarJo brand by opening a gourmet popcorn shop in Paris. I guess Scarlett Johansson and her French husband Romain Dauriac were tired of jerking off a tinfoil pan of Jiffy Pop like the rest of us. A press release went out earlier today announcing the opening of a fancy popcorn shop this Saturday called – wait for it – Yummy Pop. Congratulations on coming up with a name in less time than it takes to salt pop corn.

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