Category: I’m Not Surprised
GOOP Has Been Called Out By A Consumer Watchdog Group For Hawking High-Priced B.S.
Gwyneth Paltrow woke up this morning with an email from nonprofit consumer watchdog group Truth in Advertising (aka TINA). Rather than words, it was just a clip of Dionne Warwick saying, “I got your number, hussy.” OK, maybe she didn’t get that, but she done pissed off TINA!
NASA Vs. GOOP
I wish I could say this was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow called up NASA and asked if they could get to work on creating a zero-gravity vaginal steaming booth for her. Rather, this is about NASA calling out the dubious claims of something dumb and expensive that was shilled on Goop.com.
Someone Get This Lazy Kid A Spanish Speak-And-Spell
Justin Bieber is featured on a remix of Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee’s song Despacito. According to Luis, Justin reached out to him and asked to record a remix because he liked the song so much (it was already pretty popular). Justin sang his verse in English and the chorus in Spanish. This is what it sounds like:
Justin’s remix is currently sitting at the number-one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second week in a row, so it wasn’t a surprise that he was handed a mic and asked to sing it during an appearance at 1OAK in New York City on Tuesday night. Unfortunately, Justin couldn’t remember any of the lyrics besides “despacito.” So he made up the rest of the lyrics in the laziest way possible.
You’ll Never Guess What Chris Brown’s Fists Were Up To This Morning…
I’ll give you one hint: he wasn’t using them to knead dough for fresh cinnamon rolls. TMZ says that Chris Brown has been accused of assaulting a photographer at a Florida club early this morning. Chris Brown is the only man who could make a fight in Florida seem extra messy.
Katt Williams Got Into A Fight With An Alleged 7th Grader
Let’s see, we’ve got a 42-year-old man getting his ass kicked by a child on someone’s front yard while a pair of Hello Kitty slippers looks on. If that isn’t a flashing emergency siren alert for Jesus to take the wheel of Katt Williams’ life , then I don’t know what is.
So it appears that Katt Williams is going for some kind of personal best of his personal worst. Thanks to a Facebook user named Luke Dagreat, a video of Katt Williams brawling with what TMZ claims is a 7th grader – yes I said 7th grader – made its way onto the internet. According to the NY Daily News, Katt’s latest catfight happened in Florida (because OF COURSE), although TMZ says it happened in Atlanta. Since it’s Katt Williams we’re talking about, there’s a very good chance it happened in both places. I wouldn’t put it past an expert-level mess like Katt Williams to harness the powers of bilocation as a way to punch people in two places at the same time.
It apparently started after Katt sucker punched a kid in the face. At least he’s going after opponents his own size now, right? The kid, whose name is Luke (I’m assuming it’s probably the Luke Dagreat from above), fought back by wrestling Katt’s ass to the ground and putting him in a headlock. As you can see, Katt was saved by a bunch of bystanders, who eventually pulled Luke off of him. I guess Katt’s gang of ass-whooping witch goons had the day off or something. Here’s the video of Katt Williams brawling with a child:
Katt clearly doesn’t have a Jiminy Cricket or Great Gazoo in his life to advise him on when to shut the hell up, because Katt keeps on talking shit about Luke after their fight ends. Katt, STOP. The only thing worse than getting your ass kicked by a child is getting your ass kicked by a child again. All jokes aside, can someone call up Jiminy Cricket and Great Gazoo and see if either of them would be willing to do the remaining un-punched faces of America a favor by keeping this pocket-sized disaster on the straight and narrow? “And risk getting my adorable face punched in? No way” replied both.
Chris Brown Was Slapped With A Restraining Order After Allegedly Making Death Threats To A Woman
Those two guys standing behind Chris Brown look like what I imagine Chris Brown’s shoulder angel and shoulder devil would look like. On the left is his shoulder angel, silently praying that God relocates him to a new shoulder. On the right is his shoulder devil, and it appears that even his shoulder devil has had enough of Chris Brown’s shit. “Goddamnit, what has he done now?”
According to TMZ, Chris Brown has found himself on the receiving end of a temporary restraining order. Shocking, I know. The restraining order comes courtesy of a woman named Danielle Patti, who claims that Chris has been harassing her and making death threats against her on social media. She also says she used to date him. Chris Brown? Angrily turning on a woman he used to date on social media? You don’t say.
This isn’t the first time Chris and Danielle have gotten a third party involved in their drama. Back in December, Chris called the police on Danielle after she refused to leave his property and was charged with criminal trespassing. But according to documents filed by Danielle, it wasn’t like that. Danielle says she wanted to leave, but couldn’t because someone had parked their car in front of hers. She claims she was cleared of the criminal trespassing charges.
A judge says that Chris has to stay 100 yards away from Danielle and can’t have any contact with her on social media. There will be a hearing later this month to determine how permanent the restraining order will be. Yeah, is it really necessary to have a hearing? I’m pretty sure the words “Chris Brown” is all the evidence the judge needs to stamp APPROVED on that shit. Speaking of, if Chris Brown wants to save himself some time in the future, he might want to consider keeping a few dozen restraining order application forms at his front door. “Hey, are you on Instagram? You are? In that case, you might want to grab one of those on your way out.”
Pic: Wenn.com