Seven long years ago, Universal shot at our childhoods as though our childhood was a Singing Telegram Girl in the dark when they announced that they had hired director Gore Verbinski to take flawless cinematic flop Clue: The Movie to the ballroom and kill it with a candlestick. Less-dramatic translation: Universal hired Gore to direct a remake of Clue. Clearly the petition (signed by me and only me) I sent to Universal begging them not to commit a highly illegal act worked, because they dropped their plans in 2011. But those goddamn Grim Reapers of Hollywood are back to try to fuck with Clue once again.
In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.
How Dare The City Of New York Tell Her Madgesty That She Can’t Put Illegal “No Parking” Signs In Front Of Her Mansion
TMZ says that Empress of the Upper East Side, Madonna, has gotten into some trouble the City of New York, because she put fake no parking signs in front of her $40 million mega-townhouse. TMZ seems to think that Madge has claimed some street parking spaces in front of her Illuminati lair (old pictures of it are in the gallery) and that those street parking spaces don’t belong to her. Madge’s minions went all out. They put up a “Tenant Parking Only” sign, embedded the sidewalk with the words “No Parking” and painted the curb bright yellow. They did it without getting permission from the city. Sneaky whores. Madge IS your shifty auntie who puts an old traffic ticket on her windshield when parking in a no parking zone and has tried to buy an illegal handicap placard on the black market.
Seen above looking like an overused old tampon, Justin Bieber is doing the rounds to promote his new album and while talking to Billboard, the topic of his rolled-up Canadian crotch pancake came up again. Because you want to know, the Biebs said he was only joking when he claimed shrinkage and his peen in that picture is as big as it gets. The Biebs was also asked for his thoughts about what Bette Middler said. When Justin Bieber’s bootleg KFed of a daddy patted his son’s dick all proud-like in a tweet, Bette Midler tweeted this:
.@justinbieber dad tweeted he's proud of his son's penis size. I think the biggest dick in this situation is the dad who abandoned his son.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) October 10, 2015
That little ass lube bubble had the AUDACITY to pull a “Harpo, who dis woman?” on the legendary Divine Miss M who has more talent and star power in one of her shit nuggets than he has in his entire being!
“This Britt Meddler,” says Justin, unintentionally mangling the stage-and-screen legend’s name. “I don’t even know who that is, honestly. I wanted to immediately say ‘Who is this lady?’, but then I’m just fueling this negativity. I do feel the photo was an invasion of my privacy. I felt super violated. My dad made light of it, but I don’t think that’s sick and twisted. It was funny. Dads are going to be dads.”
I see what Jackson Bibear is doing by wondering who “Britt Meddler” is. I didn’t know he had that kind of shade in him. I’m mildly impressed. But you know, America can use his fake ignorance to finally deport him for good. See, when non-citizens go through immigration in the US, they’re asked the usual questions, but they’re also asked what their favorite Bette Midler movie is. If their facial expression becomes one giant question mark after hearing the name Bette Middler, they’re banned forever and are dragged away by officers who put them on a plane going back to their country. We can totally deport the Biebs using the Bette Midler Law! (Just go with me on this.)
And here’s Bette Midler as a trash heap bull, or something, at her annual Hulaween party last weekend.
The entire marketing department at Subway is melting in their office chairs this morning, because their slogan “Eat Fresh” has a new NOT RIGHT meaning and has careened into dark places of NO.
FOX59 says that at around 6:30 this morning, the Zionsville, Indiana home of fatty turned $5 foot-long pusher Jared Fogle was raided by the feds in an ongoing child porn investigation. Reporters at Subway Jared’s house say that an evidence truck is parked in his driveway and both the Indiana State Police and FBI investigators are at the scene. It’s Pat’s creepy-looking nephew hasn’t been charged with anything and the feds are still searching his house. Back in college, Jared ran a black market porn lending service out of his dorm room, so the feds could be spending a whole lot of time with his hard drives.
The raid on the house that $5 foot longs built could be part of a long-term child porn investigation. In April, Russell Taylor, the former director of The Jared Fogle Foundation (an anti-obese kids charity started by Subway Jared), was put into handcuffs for possessing and producing child porn. Investigators found more than 500 dark-sided videos and pictures in his house. Russell Taylor was dropped by The Jared Fogle Foundation immediately after he was arrested. Russell Taylor tried to kill himself in jail and he was put on life support.
In possibly related news, reporters at the scene say that tricky bitch Ronald McDonald and shifty brat Wendy were seen tip-toeing out of the backdoor of Subway Jared’s house while giggling and high-fiving each other.
And well, if Subway drops Jared, I’m sure he can get a job in Mike Huckabee’s campaign or as Josh Duggar’s cook.
After posting about the unholy and soul-killing pictures from the Jem and the Holograms movie, I wrote my local congressperson a letter saying that if it’s a felony to destroy a national monument, then destroying Jem should send a trick to death row! Now that I’ve seen the even more unholy trailer, I’m sending that letter, because this shit has viciously murdered childhoods. If I painted my asshole pink and stuck a star earring in it, it would be more like Jem than this damn movie.
They’ve sucked out all the glamour, glitter, fashion and fame. It’s like ordering a fizzy grapefruit martini with a pink rock candy garnish and getting a glass of tap water with a splash of piss in it instead. This trailer makes the Jem movie look like a less edgy Hannah Montana reboot on Lifetime. “But Michael, Hannah Montana is about as edgy as a daffodil.”EXACTLY! Why even call this mess Jem?!
They transformed Jem into a Disneyfied Kesha. This is what I get for laughing at the nerds. Every time a trailer for a shitty superhero movie comes out and the nerds cry while screaming “Sacrilege!” I point, laugh and say, “Ha! Ha! Stupid melodramatic nerds!” And now it’s happened to me. Karma is a shitty trailer for a butchered piece of my childhood. Screw this, I’m going to go and drown my sorrows in Jiz.