After posting about the unholy and soul-killing pictures from the Jem and the Holograms movie, I wrote my local congressperson a letter saying that if it’s a felony to destroy a national monument, then destroying Jem should send a trick to death row! Now that I’ve seen the even more unholy trailer, I’m sending that letter, because this shit has viciously murdered childhoods. If I painted my asshole pink and stuck a star earring in it, it would be more like Jem than this damn movie.
They’ve sucked out all the glamour, glitter, fashion and fame. It’s like ordering a fizzy grapefruit martini with a pink rock candy garnish and getting a glass of tap water with a splash of piss in it instead. This trailer makes the Jem movie look like a less edgy Hannah Montana reboot on Lifetime. “But Michael, Hannah Montana is about as edgy as a daffodil.”EXACTLY! Why even call this mess Jem?!
They transformed Jem into a Disneyfied Kesha. This is what I get for laughing at the nerds. Every time a trailer for a shitty superhero movie comes out and the nerds cry while screaming “Sacrilege!” I point, laugh and say, “Ha! Ha! Stupid melodramatic nerds!” And now it’s happened to me. Karma is a shitty trailer for a butchered piece of my childhood. Screw this, I’m going to go and drown my sorrows in Jiz.
Poor Chris Hansen; he’s probably got a next-level case of shin splints from all the chairs he’s kicked out for Tyga to have a seat on.
According to TMZ, 25-year-old rapper/father/owner of some busted Ronald McDonald hair Tyga is no longer being coy about his relationship with 17-year-old future homeschool drop out/aspiring filler enthusiast Kylie Jenner. Tyga sort of dipped his toe into the shallow end of the poor decisions pool by getting her name tattooed on his arm, but recently he dove straight into the deep end. Even though the age of consent in California is still 18, TMZ says Tyga has been telling his friends that he’s not worried about statutory rape laws because his teenage girlfriend is “more mature” than most adults. Tyga thinks that because Kylie is a millionaire who runs a company and owns her own house, she’s basically a grown woman. “Looks like I’m no longer needed here” thought the numbers 1997 on her birth certificate.
Tyga also says there’s nothing “morally wrong” with dating a 17-year-old, and that he “doesn’t give a fuck about what the law says.” I’m going to use that one the next time I’m pulled over for steering my car with my knees so I can two-fist a pair of cheeseburgers.
Even though you and I know what Tyga and Kylie are doing is the definition of shady, not-right, and NO, “law enforcement sources” tell TMZ that unless someone files a complaint, there’s nothing they can do about it. And you know that even if someone were to file a complaint, it would be intercepted by Pimp Mama Kris’ telekinetic shitty parenting powers.
But where’s Kylie in all of this? If you said school, then you’re a dumbass. No! She’s filming Snapchat videos of herself getting “high as fuck“. Bruce Jenner, come get your plastic-looking kid!
Okay, maybe just one comment: WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Seen above looking like a cast member in the all-Muppets version of a Stepford Wives remake, Teresa Giudice of The Real Grifters of New Jersey is as broke as her forehead and owes a shit load in restitution and has to pay the $13 million she and her husband Juicy Joe swindled from creditors. Where oh where are they going to get that money from? Teresa can’t try to get a $14 million loan using fake W2s, because every bank has got their number now. A leaked sex tape is out of the question since bestiality porn is still illegal. But don’t worry, Teresa’s got a genius plan. She’s suing her lawyer!
On Watch What Happens Live last month, Teresa cried and whined about how her lawyers sucked and they’re the reason why she’s going to jail for 15 months in January. Yeah, the fact that Teresa and Juicy Joe committed fraud has nothing to do with why they’re both going to the clink. It’s the lawyer’s fault! Teresa is really taking this “blame the lawyers” thing all the way, because Page Six says that she has filed a $5 million malpractice lawsuit against her bankruptcy lawyer James Kridel.
Teresa and Juicy Joe filed for bankruptcy in 2009, claiming they were $11 million in debt. Teresa claims in her lawsuit against Kridel that he screwed up the bankruptcy paperwork by not including her income, business interest, rental income and certain bank accounts. Kridel’s supposed fuck-up led to the feds’ investigation, which led to her going to the clink. via Page Six
“Kridel failed to perform a reasonable investigation concerning the petition, schedules and statement of financial affairs,” the suit says.
The Madison Avenue lawyer’s “failure to exercise that degree of reasonable knowledge and skill that lawyers of ordinary ability and skill possess” caused her lost income, legal fees, botched business deals and public ridicule, the suit says.
That didn’t cause her public ridicule. Teresa being Teresa on reality TV caused her public ridicule.
Teresa is screaming malpractice and wants $5 million from Kridel.
Yes, everyone knows that Teresa is going to prison because of Teresa, but maybe she’s on to something. Suing her bankruptcy lawyer is a good start, but she really should go all out and blame everybody but herself. Teresa should sue the makers of the pen she used to sign those documents, because they obviously played a part in her downfall. She should also sue the makers of the paper those documents were printed on. She should sue the creator of currency and the founders of the banks she and Juicy Joe swindled, because she might not be going to jail if they didn’t exist. Finally, she should sue the government for making fraud illegal, because that law is just stupid.
Oh, and she might as well get a head start and sue the lawyer she’s using to sue her bankruptcy lawyer, because if the lawsuit gets thrown out it will be their fault. Sue them all, Tre!
Well, here’s ten tons of fucked up that just took my Thanksgiving hangover headache to new levels.
Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf pulled some Marina Abramovic shit in L.A. when he did a performance art pice called #IAMSORRY after he got caught plagiarizing a Daniel Clowes graphic novel for a short movie called Howard Cantour.com. During #IAMSORRY, Shia sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career (a whip, a Transformer, a bowl full of hate tweets, etc…) sat on a table in front of him. One by one, people came into the room and either sat across from him without saying a word or talked to him or used the props in whatever way they wanted. I heard stories about how some people cursed his ass out and/or threw shit at him, but the story he told Dazed is every layer of THE FUCK?
For two weeks, Shia and Dazed editor Aimee Cliff talked back and forth online about #IAMSORRY. Aimee asked Shia if there was one experience that was either moving or soul-killing and Shia made my brain melt by saying that one crazy bitch whipped and raped him as her boyfriend and his girlfriend waited in the line outside.
One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me… There were hundreds of people in line when she walked out with disheveled hair and smudged lipstick. It was no good, not just for me but her man as well. On top of that my girl was in line to see me, because it was Valentine’s Day and I was living in the gallery for the duration of the event – we were separated for five days, no communication. So it really hurt her as well, as I guess the news of it travelled through the line. When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.
My brain just puked up a dozen question marks. So many questions. I know Shia basically had zero rules for his performance art piece and people were allowed to do whatever they wanted to him, but you’d think that he wouldn’t have to put up a sign that read: You Can Do Anything You Want Except For Murdering, Shooting, Stabbing, Raping And Choking Shia.
Shia and Aimee Cliff also did a sit down “interview” through webcams strapped to their heads and this is how it went. (Note: If you watch 4 minutes of it, you’ve watched all of it since they don’t say a word.)
That’s pretty much what I did for an hour after reading Shia’s fucked up story.
Christina Hendrix showed up to the 5th Annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic in Pacific Palisades, CA yesterday, and for some ungodly reason she chose the Napoleon Dynamite reject outfit above to wear to the event. NO. Awkward Family Photo 70s tux/doily combo Christina…really?? I can’t.
I know that the whole world yells at her to put her ridiculous pillowlicious chi chis away once in awhile but this is taking it way too far. That “ensemble” is tata jail. Illegal. FREE THE TATAS!!! And not only is it tata jail, it’s face/hair/shoes/body/all of it jail that sucks the life from everything else in a 5 mile radius into a vortex of fuckugly. We’re so sorry Christina!!! Please please PLEASE bring back the tatas. We’ll even seat them in the front row so they feel special.
Did Christina plan this outfit, or was she attacked by my Grandma’s window sheers and ridiculously long dresser runner before falling into a “vintage nobody wants” Goodwill box on her way to the red carpet? I don’t know. All I know is that the next time someone shades her for always having Tha Girls on display, she should show them this picture and they will immediately retract their statement and fluff her boobs for her. Everybody wins.
Now that I look at that picture, dude does have that creepy “Good Christian father who hangs around his daughter’s slumber party in the basement all night” vibe about him.
Well, if you watched 7th Heaven as a kid, put on your black lace veil and mourn the beaten, tattered, shredded last piece of your childhood as it slips down the gutter. Because early this morning, TMZ threw up a recording of Stephen Collins, the pastor dad from 7th Heaven, telling his estranged wife (they’re in the middle of a long, nasty divorce) about the little girls he allegedly molested. TMZ says that in 2012, Stephen told his actress wife Faye Grant (aka Juliet from V) that he had abused several little girls. That gross confession led to Stephen and Faye going to therapy. Now, binge watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia will lead to you literally barfing in the toilet.
JLo and Leah Remini (who is scaring me by morphing into JLo) were stopped at a red light on PCH in Malibu yesterday when a crazed drunk driver in a pick-up truck rear-ended their car. So many Big Booty jokes, so little time. TMZ says that the drunk driver busted out of the scene after rear-ending JLo and Leah. One of them called the cops and the driver was pulled over not far from the scene of the crime. After the cops determined that the driver was drunk, they were arrested for DUI and hit-and-run. Nobody in JLo’s car, including two kids, was injured.
Even a drunk driver can’t put a dent in JLo and Leah’s sexyface face. JLo threw up this picture on Instagram along with this note that was filled with approximately five million hashtags. I know JLo doesn’t drink, but bitch hashtags like a drunk.
Sitting at a light, Riding high right before some drunk fool rear ended us in my new whip!!! Thank god everyone ok!!! #GRATEFUL #THANKYOUGOD #DontdrinkandDrive!!!! #cursedthatfoolout #theBronxcameout #dontmesswithmycocnuts #mamabear #leahstayedcalm #thatwasweird
I’ve got one for JLo: #CalmDownOnTheFuckingClownLipstickAndTheHashtags.
So, a crazy drunk bitch in a pick-up truck ran into a car with Leah Remini in it? Let me guess, the drunk driver was also heard screaming, “JUSTICE FOR XENU,” as they sped away and the cops later discovered that the driver’s pick-up truck was filled with empty Dunkin’ Donuts boxes and plastic Coolatta cups. See, this what happens when Dunkin’ Donuts opens up in L.A. Kirstie Alley overdoses on that shit, goes crazier and gets the idea to assassinate her sworn enemy Leah Remini. Get over it already, Kirstie!
Here’s JLo and Leah leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood the other night.
Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!
During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:
The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.
Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):
LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!
Looking at this picture of lil’ Justin Bieber sucking on a brewski just made me nostalgic for all the times I tried to get my hands on a beer as a kid. I never did succeed; I’d always end up getting distracted by Glo Friends. But Justin Bieber is a much more determined child than I ever was, and his thirst for taking swigs out of the grown-ups beer bottles has landed a West Hollywood club in trouble.
According to TMZ, Justin Bieber and his new BFF Chris Brown (like moths to a flame, two assholes meet in the night) went to David Arquette’s club Bootsy Bellows. Because Boosty Bellows sells food, they can let anyone in, but only people 21 and older can order booze. Unfortunately, someone snapped a picture of 20-year-old Justin Bieber walking around Bootsy Bellows holding a beer bottle, and now the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is ready to slap them with a giant fine and law enforcement are planning on sending in a bunch of undercover cops to try see if they can bust them for selling liquid happiness to minors.
I don’t think there’s any need to call Gene Parmesan, because this is clearly an open and shut case. Justin Bieber wanted to impress Chris Brown’s friends, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big boys (because two sips of beer and Justin goes night-night). So he filled an empty beer bottle with apple juice and pretended he was drinking just like them. Trust me – if the cops look through the trash, I’ll bet they’ll find a Heineken bottle that smells like Motts for Tots with his animal cracker-crusted finger prints on it. CASE CLOSED!