John Stamos Was Really, Really Excited To Tell The Story About The Time “Fuller House” Was Playing In The Jack Off Room At A Fertility Clinic
I was going to throw a “How rude” GIF into this post, but Michelle Tanner doesn’t deserve to be associated with this unnecessary sucioness. She’s been through enough!
John Stamos was on Busy Tonight (aka Busy Philips’ Instagram page but with a studio audience) to promote the beauty and magnificence of John Stamos (and some other stuff too, who cares), and Busy asked him an innocent question about what he and his wife Mrs. John Stamos (I’m sure that’s what he calls her) binge-watched while taking care of their son Billy (who is SO lucky to have John Stamos’ genes). John joked that they binged Full House (you know it wasn’t a joke), and then he nearly made a sperm sample in his panties over getting to tell everyone a story he’s been waiting to tell. John really has been wanting to dribble at the mouth about how he was about to milk a baby batter nut into a cup at a fertility place when he turned on the TV and Fuller House was playing. Do I want the image of John Stamos fapping, sure, but now I miss a more innocent time when I didn’t have the dark-sided image of John Stamos fapping to Fuller House.
When you first get cast in a primetime soap opera, you are asked to put your right hand on the primetime soap opera bible (Dynasty: The Complete Series DVD collection) and vow to never ever betray the primetime soap opera God (Joan Collins) by playing the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty. But Nicollette Sheridan has broken that vow and committed the ultimate primetime soap opera sin by taking the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty! Why, Nicollette, why? If you need a check that bad, you should’ve started a GoFundMe. We all would’ve donated and understood!
Back in 1997, an entire country screamed, “RUN, VILI, RUUUUUUUN,” after the news came out that Vili Fualaau’s married sixth-grade teacher (she was also his second-grade teacher) Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for statutory raping him. Vili was just 12 years old at the time and Mary Kay was 34. Well, Vili finally heard our cries 20 years later. Maybe.
Stare into the face of
the abyss Anthony Michael Hall and try not to see your own worst fears staring back at you. A couple months ago AMH found himself in an altercation that turned physical. Since he’s the poster boy for Booze Bloated Gas Bags International, the former teen dream used his fists on a neighbor who had the gaul to say the words you must never, ever speak: Hey man, you left the gate open. Chilling. AMH couldn’t handle that kind of provocation so he started pushing people around and now he’s looking at a maaaaybe spending the better part of a decade behind bars, but probably not.
Greetings, I’m Krista and I’ll be your new filler queen for this season of Michael K’s Dlisted. Since Michael and Allison occasionally want to take a break from staring red-eyed into a computer screen to attend to their “real” “lives,” I’ll be popping in and out to make sure the Dlisted mission statement (whatever that is) is kept up. So without further ado, let’s get to the hard-hitting Dennis Rodman news of the hour.
The Los Angeles Times reports that Dennis Rodman has been charged for the crimes detailed in his July arrest. In case you’re like me, and your brain does a helpful Force Quit flusheroo on most Rodman news, let me refresh your memory: some time this past July, Dennis Rodman was completely sober and of 100% sound mind and body and somehow found himself going the wrong way in a highway carpool lane.
Since I am both a responsible citizen of this land and really lazy, I already voted by mail last week. No thanks to straining my legs while standing in a long line as morons throw judgmental looks at my “I’m Voting For Angelyne 4 Prez” t-shirt. But some people, like Justin Timberlake, still go to polling places and since we’re living in the era of “Look At Me Doing Things” he posted a selfie of himself voting. The only problem with JT’s selfie is that he may have broken the law. “Imprison the loser and charge Crooked Hillary with accessory ” growled out Donald Trump after finding out that JT most likely voted for Hillary Clinton.