Back in 1997, an entire country screamed, “RUN, VILI, RUUUUUUUN,” after the news came out that Vili Fualaau’s married sixth-grade teacher (she was also his second-grade teacher) Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for statutory raping him. Vili was just 12 years old at the time and Mary Kay was 34. Well, Vili finally heard our cries 20 years later. Maybe.
Stare into the face of
the abyss Anthony Michael Hall and try not to see your own worst fears staring back at you. A couple months ago AMH found himself in an altercation that turned physical. Since he’s the poster boy for Booze Bloated Gas Bags International, the former teen dream used his fists on a neighbor who had the gaul to say the words you must never, ever speak: Hey man, you left the gate open. Chilling. AMH couldn’t handle that kind of provocation so he started pushing people around and now he’s looking at a maaaaybe spending the better part of a decade behind bars, but probably not.
Greetings, I’m Krista and I’ll be your new filler queen for this season of Michael K’s Dlisted. Since Michael and Allison occasionally want to take a break from staring red-eyed into a computer screen to attend to their “real” “lives,” I’ll be popping in and out to make sure the Dlisted mission statement (whatever that is) is kept up. So without further ado, let’s get to the hard-hitting Dennis Rodman news of the hour.
The Los Angeles Times reports that Dennis Rodman has been charged for the crimes detailed in his July arrest. In case you’re like me, and your brain does a helpful Force Quit flusheroo on most Rodman news, let me refresh your memory: some time this past July, Dennis Rodman was completely sober and of 100% sound mind and body and somehow found himself going the wrong way in a highway carpool lane.
Since I am both a responsible citizen of this land and really lazy, I already voted by mail last week. No thanks to straining my legs while standing in a long line as morons throw judgmental looks at my “I’m Voting For Angelyne 4 Prez” t-shirt. But some people, like Justin Timberlake, still go to polling places and since we’re living in the era of “Look At Me Doing Things” he posted a selfie of himself voting. The only problem with JT’s selfie is that he may have broken the law. “Imprison the loser and charge Crooked Hillary with accessory ” growled out Donald Trump after finding out that JT most likely voted for Hillary Clinton.
Seven long years ago, Universal shot at our childhoods as though our childhood was a Singing Telegram Girl in the dark when they announced that they had hired director Gore Verbinski to take flawless cinematic flop Clue: The Movie to the ballroom and kill it with a candlestick. Less-dramatic translation: Universal hired Gore to direct a remake of Clue. Clearly the petition (signed by me and only me) I sent to Universal begging them not to commit a highly illegal act worked, because they dropped their plans in 2011. But those goddamn Grim Reapers of Hollywood are back to try to fuck with Clue once again.
In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.