Category: Illegal

JLo And Leah Remini Got Rammed From Behind By A Drunk Driver

September 28, 2014 / Posted by:

JLo and Leah Remini (who is scaring me by morphing into JLo) were stopped at a red light on PCH in Malibu yesterday when a crazed drunk driver in a pick-up truck rear-ended their car. So many Big Booty jokes, so little time. TMZ says that the drunk driver busted out of the scene after rear-ending JLo and Leah. One of them called the cops and the driver was pulled over not far from the scene of the crime. After the cops determined that the driver was drunk, they were arrested for DUI and hit-and-run. Nobody in JLo’s car, including two kids, was injured.

Even a drunk driver can’t put a dent in JLo and Leah’s sexyface face. JLo threw up this picture on Instagram along with this note that was filled with approximately five million hashtags. I know JLo doesn’t drink, but bitch hashtags like a drunk.

Sitting at a light, Riding high right before some drunk fool rear ended us in my new whip!!! Thank god everyone ok!!! #GRATEFUL #THANKYOUGOD #DontdrinkandDrive!!!! #cursedthatfoolout #theBronxcameout #dontmesswithmycocnuts #mamabear #leahstayedcalm #thatwasweird

I’ve got one for JLo: #CalmDownOnTheFuckingClownLipstickAndTheHashtags.

So, a crazy drunk bitch in a pick-up truck ran into a car with Leah Remini in it? Let me guess, the drunk driver was also heard screaming, “JUSTICE FOR XENU,” as they sped away and the cops later discovered that the driver’s pick-up truck was filled with empty Dunkin’ Donuts boxes and plastic Coolatta cups. See, this what happens when Dunkin’ Donuts opens up in L.A. Kirstie Alley overdoses on that shit, goes crazier and gets the idea to assassinate her sworn enemy Leah Remini. Get over it already, Kirstie!

Here’s JLo and Leah leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood the other night.

Pics: Splash, Instagram

¡¡Escándalo!! Miley Cyrus Could Go To Jail For Disrespecting The Mexican Flag

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!

During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:

The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.

Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):

mileymexicanflag

LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!

Pic: Instagram GIF: Blogspot

David Arquette’s Club Might Be In Trouble For Serving Beer To Justin Bieber

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Looking at this picture of lil’ Justin Bieber sucking on a brewski just made me nostalgic for all the times I tried to get my hands on a beer as a kid. I never did succeed; I’d always end up getting distracted by Glo Friends. But Justin Bieber is a much more determined child than I ever was, and his thirst for taking swigs out of the grown-ups beer bottles has landed a West Hollywood club in trouble.

According to TMZ, Justin Bieber and his new BFF Chris Brown (like moths to a flame, two assholes meet in the night) went to David Arquette’s club Bootsy Bellows. Because Boosty Bellows sells food, they can let anyone in, but only people 21 and older can order booze. Unfortunately, someone snapped a picture of 20-year-old Justin Bieber walking around Bootsy Bellows holding a beer bottle, and now the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is ready to slap them with a giant fine and law enforcement are planning on sending in a bunch of undercover cops to try see if they can bust them for selling liquid happiness to minors.

I don’t think there’s any need to call Gene Parmesan, because this is clearly an open and shut case. Justin Bieber wanted to impress Chris Brown’s friends, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big boys (because two sips of beer and Justin goes night-night). So he filled an empty beer bottle with apple juice and pretended he was drinking just like them. Trust me – if the cops look through the trash, I’ll bet they’ll find a Heineken bottle that smells like Motts for Tots with his animal cracker-crusted finger prints on it. CASE CLOSED!

Pic: Splash

Here’s A Clip From The “Rapey” Video That Lady CaCa, R.Kelly And Terry Richardson Made Together

June 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Lady CaCa once again proved that she’s the Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that it was a good idea to record a song called “Do What You U Want” with a well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of underage girls including emptying his piss bag on them. Wonderful decision #1! Then Lady CaCa really solidified herself as a Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that the best person to direct the video for a song she made with R. Kelly is another well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of models including dropping a curdled cum load on their faces. Wonderful decision #2! Wonderful decisions all around! Well, I guess you really have to hand it to Lady CaCa (and by “it” I mean a paddle to slap herself in the face with) for really going hard with the “Do What U Want With My Body” theme.

Page Six says that the video, which was shot in September, was supposed to come out in December, but then someone in CaCa’s camp with half a working brain cell realized that shitting out a video that looked like it was specifically made for the Roman Polanski demographic was not a good move. The video never came out and Lady CaCa blamed it on a tight schedule and bad management. But Page Six says that the video was arrested by Detective Olivia Benson and thrown into a jail cell where it belongs, because around the time that mess was supposed to assault our eyes, The Village Voice published another expose about R. Kelly’s child rape ways and more allegations of Uncle Terry’s acts of sexual assault foolery came out. Sources tell TMZ that CaCa had no idea about all the claims made against Uncle Terry and that sort of makes sense since her head is always shoved up her culo and she only knows about shit involving her. But please, bitch knew.

The clip that TMZ posted starts out with CaCa on a hospital bed and Dr. R. Kelly tells her that the medicine is about to kick in. Then she passes out and R. Kelly and a bunch of slutty nurses have a party on top of her passed out body. Page Six says that before CaCa passes out, Dr. R. Kelly tells her she’s going to get pregnant. The clip ends with CaCa hilariously dry humping a bunch of newspapers. Bitch looks like a strung out alley cat having a seizure on crumpled up newspapers behind a dumpster in a back alley. Print truly is dead! One of Page Six’s sources said this about the video:

“Gaga had a video directed by an alleged sexual predator, starring another sexual predator. With the theme, ‘I’m going to do whatever I want with your body?’ It was literally an ad for rape.”

That ILLEGAL ass gross video looks like a no-budget porn and it makes me want to point to the eyes on a doll and tell my therapist that’s where Lady CaCa violated me. But you know, I don’t understand this kind of HIGH ART, because I didn’t get an art degree from Lady CaCa’s Community College Of Raw Hardcore Edginess. I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about. I mean, some of the world’s biggest filmmakers loved it. Dlisted got these EXCLUSIVO reviews:

“I saw myself in it. A triumph!”Roman Polanski 

“An inspirational piece of art! Bravo!”Woody Allen

Needed more naked twinks, but other than that, it’s a masterpiece!” - Bryan Singer

And here’s CaCa looking like Nick Simmons in Detroit Rock City drag while going to get a tattoo in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash

What In Junior High School Talent Show Reject Hell?

March 10, 2014 / Posted by:

If two 8th graders who suffered severe brain and nerve damage from huffing freon out of their parents’ air conditioning units spent 10 minutes choreographing a dance to a John Legend song in a darkly lit garage for the junior high school talent show, they would still place higher than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. The thug princess who rules every deposition queefed out (and then deleted) two Instagram videos tonight which will make you cringe yourself inside/out. Justin’s garbage bag gauchos should be illegal in every state, but these videos of their “dancing” looks like scenes straight out of a low-budget, thrown together remake of Save The Last Dance for Disney Jr.

It’s like watching a chihuahua drag around his favorite stuffed chipmunk toy to hump on and I’m glad Justin Bieber didn’t get lipstick from that shit. And if this was a game where we had to guess what their beautiful and delicate interpretive dance is about, I’d guess it’s either about “the exact moment when gonorrhœa infects a vagina” or it’s about a butt plug that keeps slipping out of a baggy b-hole. It’s probably the latter. They’re romantic and artistic like that.

OctoMom Is Being Charged With Welfare Fraud

January 13, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you need a break from Golden Globes shit but not from abject fuckery, TMZ is reporting that OctoMom Nadya Suleman is being charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud and is facing five years in prison if convicted. Back in March 2013, someone supposedly tipped off authorities that Nadya was collecting welfare even though she made over $200,000. Now she’s being accused of failing to report over $30,000 in income from the first half of 2013, including residuals from her self-love diddle video. The judge is setting bail at $25,000.

The L.A. County District Attorney’s Office filed the charges, including 1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.

This bitch has already been accused of hating her kids, filing for bankruptcy, trying every filthy way she could think of to make a buck and has gone to rehab. The only thing that’s left is for her to pick 14 corners- one for each of her kids- and sit their asses down with For Sale signs around their necks. No offers less than $1,800 apiece or mama won’t be able to make bail! With that crazy ass as their mother, I’m pretty sure they’ve probably already tried to sell themselves on the black market just to get away from her.

(Pic: Splash)

And The Title Of The Most Illegally Downloaded Artist of 2013 Goes To…

January 5, 2014 / Posted by:

The New York Times (via EOnline) says Bruno Mars was named the most illegally downloaded artist of 2013 with nearly 5.8 million downloads. The runner up was Rihanna with 5.4 million, followed by Daft Punk with 4.2 million and Mr. Jessica Biel with 3.9 million.

I had to Wiki Bruno and what he released in 2013 because he lost me with that “catch a grenade fuh yuhhhh” song a few years ago. That shit was the musical version of a drug-resistant strain of herpes; it was EVERYDAMNWHERE. Going through the list, it would seem Joe Francis, Woody Allen and Roman Polanski could have been responsible for at least some of those downloads, thanks to Bruno’s creepy little ditty called “Young Girls“.

His song “Gorilla” is baffling as well. How the hell did we go from Nine Inch Nails to Bloodhound Gang (links NSFW) to Bruno Mars in the fuckin’ like animals department??

(Pic: Splash)

And Now For Some More Words Of Hillbilly Wisdom From Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson

December 31, 2013 / Posted by:

In case you missed it, here’s a video from a 2009 Georgia Sportsmen’s Ministry event of the Rosa Parks of born again Christian rednecks, Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty, telling men to wife up a Bible-carrying 15-year-old, because they’re way more trainable and 20-year-olds are used-up gold digging whores. Phil could’ve been spitting out a joke, but you know he wasn’t since he started dating his wife when she was 14 and married her when she was 16. If you don’t want to watch that video, because Phil’s beard gives you the itches all over, here’s what he said:

“Look, you wait ’til they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course. Make sure that she can cook a meal… And make sure she carries her Bible. That’ll save you a lot of trouble down the road.”

THIS BITCH is such a goddamn stereotype. It’s almost as if he’s basing his life on a book he read titled “How To Pretend You’re A Backwoods Hillbilly In A Reality Show For Maximum Fame And Fortune.Oh, wait…

So according to Phil, sticking your dick in the anus of a man who wants you to stick your dick in his anus will earn your soul a one-way ticket to the depths of hell, but pulling some grade A Jerry Lee Lewis shit is okay in the eyes of God. Got it.

Obviously, the 15-year-olds that Phil knows are totally different than the 15-year-olds I know. If he told my 15-year-old cousin to pick a duck and cook him a meal, she’d not-so-politely tell him to deep throat a butcher knife. Actually, she wouldn’t say that to his face. She wouldn’t take her hands off of her iPhone and five seconds later he’d get a text that reads: “GO EAT A TOILET TURD, CUNT! AND CAN I BORROW $40?” I want to see him tell my 15-year-old cousin to cook him a meal. He’d pray to God like he’s never prayed to God before.

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Break Out The Eye Bleach, The Ear Bleach, The Brain Bleach, The Soul Bleach, The Body Bleach, Etc…

October 14, 2013 / Posted by:

The #1 label in the Ninth Circle of HELL, Ark Music Factory, started leaving welts on the inside of our ears with Rebecca Black’sFriday” and now they’re back with another spirit-murdering shit song from the dark-side that’ll make you Google the question, “Is there some kind of dance I can do to summon a giant meteor to Earth?”

Patrice Wilson, the head of Ark and the dude who wrote “Friday,” also wrote little Alison Gold’s song “Chinese Food.” The subtitles are in different languages, so everybody in the world can understand this fucked-up shit together! I watched all 3 minutes and 28 seconds of it and made a list of all the things wrong with this mess. Here’s my list:

1. EVERYTHING.

This wreck starts with little Alison walking the streets in the daylight after ballin’ and clubbin’ all night. White Oprah must be her mom. Then she goes to some children’s only Chinese restaurant and orders some food from a fellow 12-year-old who’s working the cash register. Alison sits down, sings all the items on the menu and then reads her fortune which should’ve read: “RUN, GIRL, RUN, THERE’S A CREEPY PEDOPANDA BEHIND YOU!” But since the noodles she ate were obviously laced with acid, she goes skipping through the park with PedoPanda (who’s PedoBear’s Chinese cousin) and they end up at a girls slumber party. The plot twist you saw coming comes when the panda pulls off his head and it’s Patrice Wilson. No, there’s absolutely nothing shady and ILLEGAL about a grown man in a panda suit playing Monopoly with a bunch of little tweens at a slumber party. How is Patrice Wilson not on all the lists?

Just when I thought I overdosed on MSF (monosodium fuckery), little Alison and her little friends come out dressed up like Japanese Geishas and sing about how much they love Chinese food.

I would call 911, but I’m sure it’s busy since everybody is calling 911 to report this shit!

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Emma Roberts Committed A Criminal Act To Try To Get A Cronut

August 9, 2013 / Posted by:

Okay, cutting in line isn’t a criminal act, but it should be, especially when Emma Roberts tries it.

The Cronut (not to be confused with a crow’s nuts) is still making bitches go crazy in NYC and everyone’s still acting like eating a Cronut is like putting your mouth on an angel’s warm vagina. Crazies will sell their children and suck a dirty dick on a subway platform just for a bite of a Cronut. The line to get one is still really long and apparently boyfriend beater and Hollywood’s newest crazy bitch Emma Roberts learned that there is no VIP entrance.

Before going on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Emma and her publicist pulled in front of the Dominique Ansel Bakery to get a Cronut. The Daily Mail says that Emma saw the long line, ignored it and stomped to the front door like her first name is Julia instead of Emma. The bakery’s front door person immediately stopped the star of Hotel for Dogs from trying to get cutsies and banished her to the back of the line. Emma did the walk of shame to the back of the line and waited for a few minutes before she gave up and left without tasting deep fried heaven covered in unicorn jizz. HA on her.

Yes, waiting for hours to buy a croissant and donut baby is craziness, but I have driven 45 minutes to go to a Popeye’s that was still open, so who am I to judge? But cutting in line is ILLEGAL and every single one of those people waiting for a Cronut should’ve busted a CITIZEN’S ARREST on that entitled ho. Emma Roberts should be put on the Cronut blacklist forever. No Cronut for you, Emma Roberts.

Sadly, that didn’t happen. Jimmy Fallon heard about Emma’s unsuccessful attempt to get a Cronut and so he gave her one on his show.

Jimmy is part of the problem! He’s rewarding a criminal. I hope that one of the Cronut chefs knew who that Cronut was going to and put a toe nail in it or something. She’s the worst.

Pics: Splash

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