If two 8th graders who suffered severe brain and nerve damage from huffing freon out of their parents’ air conditioning units spent 10 minutes choreographing a dance to a John Legend song in a darkly lit garage for the junior high school talent show, they would still place higher than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. The thug princess who rules every deposition queefed out (and then deleted) two Instagram videos tonight which will make you cringe yourself inside/out. Justin’s garbage bag gauchos should be illegal in every state, but these videos of their “dancing” looks like scenes straight out of a low-budget, thrown together remake of Save The Last Dance for Disney Jr.
It’s like watching a chihuahua drag around his favorite stuffed chipmunk toy to hump on and I’m glad Justin Bieber didn’t get lipstick from that shit. And if this was a game where we had to guess what their beautiful and delicate interpretive dance is about, I’d guess it’s either about “the exact moment when gonorrhœa infects a vagina” or it’s about a butt plug that keeps slipping out of a baggy b-hole. It’s probably the latter. They’re romantic and artistic like that.
In case you need a break from Golden Globes shit but not from abject fuckery, TMZ is reporting that OctoMom Nadya Suleman is being charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud and is facing five years in prison if convicted. Back in March 2013, someone supposedly tipped off authorities that Nadya was collecting welfare even though she made over $200,000. Now she’s being accused of failing to report over $30,000 in income from the first half of 2013, including residuals from her self-love diddle video. The judge is setting bail at $25,000.
The L.A. County District Attorney’s Office filed the charges, including 1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.
This bitch has already been accused of hating her kids, filing for bankruptcy, trying every filthy way she could think of to make a buck and has gone to rehab. The only thing that’s left is for her to pick 14 corners- one for each of her kids- and sit their asses down with For Sale signs around their necks. No offers less than $1,800 apiece or mama won’t be able to make bail! With that crazy ass as their mother, I’m pretty sure they’ve probably already tried to sell themselves on the black market just to get away from her.
The New York Times (via EOnline) says Bruno Mars was named the most illegally downloaded artist of 2013 with nearly 5.8 million downloads. The runner up was Rihanna with 5.4 million, followed by Daft Punk with 4.2 million and Mr. Jessica Biel with 3.9 million.
I had to Wiki Bruno and what he released in 2013 because he lost me with that “catch a grenade fuh yuhhhh” song a few years ago. That shit was the musical version of a drug-resistant strain of herpes; it was EVERYDAMNWHERE. Going through the list, it would seem Joe Francis, Woody Allen and Roman Polanski could have been responsible for at least some of those downloads, thanks to Bruno’s creepy little ditty called “Young Girls“.
In case you missed it, here’s a video from a 2009 Georgia Sportsmen’s Ministry event of the Rosa Parks of born again Christian rednecks, Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty, telling men to wife up a Bible-carrying 15-year-old, because they’re way more trainable and 20-year-olds are used-up gold digging whores. Phil could’ve been spitting out a joke, but you know he wasn’t since he started dating his wife when she was 14 and married her when she was 16. If you don’t want to watch that video, because Phil’s beard gives you the itches all over, here’s what he said:
“Look, you wait ’til they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course. Make sure that she can cook a meal… And make sure she carries her Bible. That’ll save you a lot of trouble down the road.”
THIS BITCH is such a goddamn stereotype. It’s almost as if he’s basing his life on a book he read titled “How To Pretend You’re A Backwoods Hillbilly In A Reality Show For Maximum Fame And Fortune.” Oh, wait…
So according to Phil, sticking your dick in the anus of a man who wants you to stick your dick in his anus will earn your soul a one-way ticket to the depths of hell, but pulling some grade A Jerry Lee Lewis shit is okay in the eyes of God. Got it.
Obviously, the 15-year-olds that Phil knows are totally different than the 15-year-olds I know. If he told my 15-year-old cousin to pick a duck and cook him a meal, she’d not-so-politely tell him to deep throat a butcher knife. Actually, she wouldn’t say that to his face. She wouldn’t take her hands off of her iPhone and five seconds later he’d get a text that reads: “GO EAT A TOILET TURD, CUNT! AND CAN I BORROW $40?” I want to see him tell my 15-year-old cousin to cook him a meal. He’d pray to God like he’s never prayed to God before.
The #1 label in the Ninth Circle of HELL, Ark Music Factory, started leaving welts on the inside of our ears with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and now they’re back with another spirit-murdering shit song from the dark-side that’ll make you Google the question, “Is there some kind of dance I can do to summon a giant meteor to Earth?”
Patrice Wilson, the head of Ark and the dude who wrote “Friday,” also wrote little Alison Gold’s song “Chinese Food.” The subtitles are in different languages, so everybody in the world can understand this fucked-up shit together! I watched all 3 minutes and 28 seconds of it and made a list of all the things wrong with this mess. Here’s my list:
This wreck starts with little Alison walking the streets in the daylight after ballin’ and clubbin’ all night. White Oprah must be her mom. Then she goes to some children’s only Chinese restaurant and orders some food from a fellow 12-year-old who’s working the cash register. Alison sits down, sings all the items on the menu and then reads her fortune which should’ve read: “RUN, GIRL, RUN, THERE’S A CREEPY PEDOPANDA BEHIND YOU!” But since the noodles she ate were obviously laced with acid, she goes skipping through the park with PedoPanda (who’s PedoBear’s Chinese cousin) and they end up at a girls slumber party. The plot twist you saw coming comes when the panda pulls off his head and it’s Patrice Wilson. No, there’s absolutely nothing shady and ILLEGAL about a grown man in a panda suit playing Monopoly with a bunch of little tweens at a slumber party. How is Patrice Wilson not on all the lists?
Just when I thought I overdosed on MSF (monosodium fuckery), little Alison and her little friends come out dressed up like Japanese Geishas and sing about how much they love Chinese food.
I would call 911, but I’m sure it’s busy since everybody is calling 911 to report this shit!
Okay, cutting in line isn’t a criminal act, but it should be, especially when Emma Roberts tries it.
The Cronut (not to be confused with a crow’s nuts) is still making bitches go crazy in NYC and everyone’s still acting like eating a Cronut is like putting your mouth on an angel’s warm vagina. Crazies will sell their children and suck a dirty dick on a subway platform just for a bite of a Cronut. The line to get one is still really long and apparently boyfriend beater and Hollywood’s newest crazy bitch Emma Roberts learned that there is no VIP entrance.
Before going on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Emma and her publicist pulled in front of the Dominique Ansel Bakery to get a Cronut. The Daily Mail says that Emma saw the long line, ignored it and stomped to the front door like her first name is Julia instead of Emma. The bakery’s front door person immediately stopped the star of Hotel for Dogs from trying to get cutsies and banished her to the back of the line. Emma did the walk of shame to the back of the line and waited for a few minutes before she gave up and left without tasting deep fried heaven covered in unicorn jizz. HA on her.
Yes, waiting for hours to buy a croissant and donut baby is craziness, but I have driven 45 minutes to go to a Popeye’s that was still open, so who am I to judge? But cutting in line is ILLEGAL and every single one of those people waiting for a Cronut should’ve busted a CITIZEN’S ARREST on that entitled ho. Emma Roberts should be put on the Cronut blacklist forever. No Cronut for you, Emma Roberts.
Sadly, that didn’t happen. Jimmy Fallon heard about Emma’s unsuccessful attempt to get a Cronut and so he gave her one on his show.
Jimmy is part of the problem! He’s rewarding a criminal. I hope that one of the Cronut chefs knew who that Cronut was going to and put a toe nail in it or something. She’s the worst.
That’s a look that says, “Read the F U on my shirt.“
After paying for lunch with photocopied money she made at FedEx Office (Side note: I miss Kinko’s), a drunken White Oprah did the fame whore strut down the ho stroll at The Grove and told the paps that she and Lindsay Lohan are staying at The Beverly Hills Hotel (more like The Beverly Hills Adjacent Hotel aka The Best Western in West Hollywood) and she’s been so busy with “work.” (I like how she says “work” like she knows what that words means!) White Oprah kept blabbing about whatever until she ran into an adorable, innocent child and you know White Oprah. She hasn’t met an adorable child she doesn’t want to taint and ruin. Only in L.A. will a mother (with gorgeous eyebrows, by the way) ask her little girl if she wants to take a picture with Lindsay Lohan’s mother. The smart little girl wasn’t having it. She knows that you don’t take candy from strangers and you don’t hug a Dina Lohan, because if you do the next thing you know it’s 18 years later and you’re hungover in a court room while answering to your 15th felony charge of the year.
Here’s the awkwardness in all its awkward glory:
White Oprah wasn’t only in L.A. to terrorize innocent children with her vodka breath, she was also there to represent the definition of delusion once again. White Oprah talked to Extra’s AC Slater and said that she’s writing a tell-all book called A Parent Trapped, because she wants America to know the real her and thinks she can save lives.
On how Lindsay Lohan’s a target by the media, because she was raised by a single parent (???): “I really think she’s a target and since I am a single parent, I think they think there’s a weaker link that she doesn’t have as much protection around her.”
On how she’s so happy that LiLo lives at home with her now, because it’s so much easier just stealing money from LiLo’s purse than trying to figure out the login information for LiLo’s bank account online: “I have been trying to get her out of [L.A.] for five years… she’s safer at home.”
On the rumor that Lindsay Lohan was blacklisted from Shutters in Santa Monica for trashing one of their rooms in 2007: “That was so silly. We got to the hotel, and there were so many paparazzi, so we opted out. We went to another hotel, the suites were full and then we ended up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.”
On how much hate is thrown at her: “I’m probably the most misunderstood mother in America.”
On why she’s writing a tell-all: “I feel I’m a victim of domestic violence for years and if I can save a life or change a life… I want it to be a helpful book.”
On if Michael Lohan is helping her raise their kids and how she was a single mother straight out of the womb: “I don’t really want to speak about that on camera, but I’ve been a single mom my whole life. I’ve had sole custody and my other three have had no relationship with him. I’m always hopeful things will get better and slowly, but surely hopefully they are.”
On if she wants LiLo to have kids one day: “Yes, I just want to babysit.”
That last line sent a chill through every CPS officer. And White Oprah went on to say, “Because newborn babies are worth so much more on the black market than 16-year-old boys. You hear that, Cody? Why couldn’t you just sit still in that stroller and pretend to be a newborn baby like a good boy?“
No, this isn’t a still from Disney Junior’s upcoming adaptation of Boys Don’t Cry. This is a picture from Justin Bieber’s fan site (via ONTD) of him grabbing a Belieber boob at a meet-and-greet (more like a meet-and-grope) after his show in Miami. Too many questions! Not enough answers!
Did she ask him to hand hug her titty, because she thought that maybe his balls would finally drop if he went to second base? Is this a side hug gone terribly, terribly wrong? Why is she making a face like her soul is trying escape through her mouth and she won’t let it? Why didn’t anybody call 911? Why does this picture make Justin Beiber look like a child-touching child? When you go to a Canadian hospital and you ask for a mammogram, is this what happens? How does she make her bangs look like Marv Albert’s toupee? Is this her Selena Gomez cosplay look?
But the most important and relevant question of all is, why am I still typing words about this picture when I should be pouring boiling water from an electric tea kettle into my eyes instead?
And while I do that, here’s a topless Bieber in Miami yesterday. I’m not helping, I know.
Lady CaCa is hiding out in a giant empty pickle jar full of Valtrex powder, OxyClean and Debby Downer this morning to keep the terrifying Chilean rape monster that is Snooki from forcibly smooshing pickle sludge into her. That South Park episode wasn’t just leaded fuel for your night terrors, it was a piece from the real-life future! The waxed Chilean wombat jumped on her Twatter yesterday and spit this fear-inducing nugget out:
The charred pieces of brain meat in Snooki’s head are powered by dirty jacuzzi water, rotten fake tan grease and boiled pickle juice, so of course she’s going to say shit like this, but that doesn’t mean it was necessary or right. The visuals alone! If the visuals in my head were scratch ‘n sniff, they would smell like a whole lot of NO (which strangely enough, smells like her own brand of skank water).
On a positive note, it still amazes me to see how far science has come. I mean, scientists actually taught a brain-deficient chimp to Tweet on its own. Don’t let anybody tell you that pickles don’t work as positive reinforcements.
And here’s one of Lady CaCa’s greatest fears getting The Big Doucher constellation tattooed on her shoulder in Hollywood the other night.
Warning: You might feel the sudden urge to strangle your Christmas tree, shit in your fireplace stockings and cancel Christmas this year after getting into these highly illegal pictures at Egotastic of the underage lizard goddess Courtney Stodden slithering all over her 51-year-old nightmare of a husband who dressed up as Santa Claus. I know, that picture was supposed to be your Christmas card pose and this bitch stole it from you.
Nothing says “Tis the season!” like a gross Santa with cotton dick brows sniffing on the illegal down low goods of a 17-year-old who looks like an iguana in Alexis Arquette drag. This kind of good Christian girl holiday behavior from Courtney is seriously making Jesus consider converting to Buddhism. It’s okay, Jesus, just try to focus on the silver slivers of elegance on Courtney’s rear claws and everything will be okay (no, it won’t).
I swear, somebody really has to start a “Courtney & Doug staged photo shoot or porn stills?” Tumblr, because I can’t even tell the difference anymore. And if your skin hasn’t completely crawled off of your body to throw itself into the nearest fire, then strap it down, because it will after you click play on this video:
Why isn’t a SWAT Team and a group of priests with vats of holy water swarming all over them?! They are disgusting, ridiculous, fucked up, perverted, shameless, dark-sided…and I can’t get enough of them.