Poor Emily Ratajkowski. After appearing in the video for Blurred Lines and landing the role as Ben Affleck’s mistress in Gone Girl, Emily no doubt spent much time prancing around her house singing: “The name on every body’s lips is gonna be…Ratski.” That hasn’t happened for Emily and she blames it on her big, beautiful boobs.
Last week, Dani Mathers, the former Playboy Playmate/current real life villain, accepted a community service plea deal after being charged with invasion of privacy for using Snapchat to body shame a naked woman at her gym. Dani recently sat down with Kayna Whitworth for Good Morning America to cry about how awful her life is now.
Quickly, somebody call the police, there’s a murder in progress and the suspect should be easy to find. According to douchebro director Brett Ratner, they’re located at Rotten Tomatoes.
Entertainment Weekly says that Brett came hard for Rotten Tomatoes while speaking at the Sun Valley Film Festival last weekend. Brett blames Rotten Tomatoes for stinking up the current state of film culture. Yes, a judgmental finger is being pointed by Brett Ratner. This is some “the call is coming from inside the house” shit.
On Tuesday, Michael posted some recent-ish pap pictures of Amber Heard during his post about Johnny Depp’s ongoing bromance with Doug Stanhope, and it made me realize that I hadn’t seen any new pictures of Johnny Depp’s dirty ass in a while. My first thought was that maybe he had gone incognito to throw off the paps, like wearing an elaborate disguise, or showering. As it turns out, there’s a reason for why we haven’t seen Johnny Depp recently. He’s still in the Bahamas.
A source tells People that poor sad Johnny is so sad about everything that has been happening with his soon-to-be ex-wife lately, he hasn’t left his private island in the Bahamas. He’s been there for a couple of weeks and he’s not going back to L.A. anytime soon.
“He has no plans to return to L.A. He misses nothing about L.A. but his kids, and they are visiting him in the Bahamas.”
The source claims that Johnny’s daughter Lily-Rose Depp has recently visited him on Scarf Island. His son Jack and Johnny Depp Fanclub Member Vanessa Paradis will visit sometime in the next couple of days. The source adds that a whole bunch of Johnny’s friends have flown to the island to hang out with him. Apparently Johnny “likes being surrounded by people” and that everyone is “trying to cheer him up.”
Johnny can’t stay on his private island forever. He’s due back in the United States in July to continue touring with the Hollywood Vampires.
I totally get having a Calgon, take me away moment when shit gets ugly. But it’s a little surprising to me that his private island in the Bahamas is still his happy place. Johnny seems like a ~superstitious~ type that would think there was too much bad vibes on the island leftover from their second wedding ceremony. But maybe that’s why he keeps having so many damn visitors. They’re not there to keep him company; they’re there to help him cleanse the island of all of Amber’s energy. “Hey guys! Don’t forget to pack your shaman-blessed sage! And if someone could bring me a couple extra quartz crystals, that would be great.”
Poor Johnny Depp has been crying greasy tears lately, and it’s not because his housekeeper “accidentally” put all his favorite filthy hobo scarves into the washing machine with a cup of bleach and set it to sanitize. People magazine says that Johnny is upset, and it’s all his estranged wife Amber Heard’s fault. According to a source, Johnny is really hurt by Amber’s recent accusations that he’s a mean drunk who assaulted her with an iPhone.
The source describes his current condition as being “an emotional mess.” Thankfully he has touring around Europe with his band, The Hollywood Vampires, and drinking with random fans till 4am to keep his mind off the shit show that is his life.
“The concerts and the tour are good for him. He doesn’t want to let his fans down. It’s the best distraction. He is still very upset about his mom and about all the Amber drama.”
The source adds that his team is keeping a close watch on him to make sure he doesn’t get out of control with the boozing. Adds another “source” whose breath probably smells like stinky tonsils and dirty silver tooth caps: “Yeah, and they’re being a real buzzkill.”
While Johnny is staring emotionally out his hotel window and drawing a broken heart in the condensation from his hot breath, what is Amber getting up to? When J Harvey reported this this weekend that Amber is suing comedian Doug Stanhope for defamation of character, he included a bunch of recent pictures of her leaving an office building in Beverly Hills. As it turns out, it was the office belonging to Gloria Allred. A source tells People that Amber was meeting with Gloria for a four-hour “consultation” on Friday.
Gloria hasn’t held a press conference to confirm that she’s representing Amber yet, so we can’t be sure that that’s a thing that will happen. But if it does, then it may soon be time to upgrade Johnny’s condition from “emotional mess” to “public relations nightmare.” The only thing worse than seeing the words “Amber Heard accuses Johnny Depp of something else” is seeing it followed by “….and here’s a very upset Gloria Allred to tell you all about it.”
Yes, that’s Chris Brown’s version of sad. I can practically hear the director shouting at their assistant: “Is there any way we can make him look sadder? I don’t know what it is, but he’s still reading on camera as ‘dirtbag that steals lizards from pet stores and resells them on Craigslist’. Maybe draw some tears on that cartoon fox?”
Because hissing at people on Instagram only gives us but a glimpse into the mind of famous fuck-up and sometime performer Chris Brown, he has decided to tell his truth in a documentary called Welcome to My Life. That’s right, Chris Brown wants you to know the real Chris Brown. So forget all the stuff you’ve heard about Chris Brown allegedly making death threats, allegedly fighting a woman in Las Vegas, etc… etc… Because we’re about to hear Chris Brown’s side of the story.
The trailer for Welcome to My Lies is less than 3 minutes, but it gets into some pretty heavy material, like Chris Brown’s violent situation with Rihanna in 2009. According to the editing of the WTML trailer, the media’s response to him beating on RiRi made Chris Brown feel like “a fucking monster.” It also apparently made him start thinking about suicide.
Chris Brown also admits that after it all went down, he wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating, and was getting high all the time. Poor Chris Brown, numbling his feelings with weed. Kind of ironic, considering that RiRi was probably also killing the pain with drugs too. Except hers were prescribed by a doctor.
But don’t think that being an abusive shitcramp will be the end of Chris Brown’s career. Chris Brown closes with this thought:
“If there was ever a doubt in your mind that Chris Brown was done, that he was finished. I wouldn’t bet on it.”
Oh, don’t worry, Chris Brown. If your recent behavior on Twitter with has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no doubt you’re not done being Chris Brown.