If you thought the recent flash floods in New York were due to global warming, let me put on my best Trump voice and say that you are “WRONG”. That excessive wetness was a perfectly natural human reaction to the news of a few days ago that Idris Elba and his people were once again in talks for him to play James Bond in the next installment of the soon-to-be panty wringing franchise. But now it looks like this vicious rumor was all made up to keep toying with our emotions, because Idris as Bond isn’t happening anytime soon (again).
Gird your loins: Idris Elba may soon be making your butthole quiver while wearing a perfectly-pressed suit and shooting bad guys as the one and only James Bond 007. Sorry Harry Styles, but honestly Bond doesn’t wear any floral-printed suits so he’d probably hate it anyway.
All of our nethers tingled after a pic of Idris Elba seemed to show he was rocking the Loch Ness Monster of trouser snakes. While Idris may have ruined out wet dreams by calling his “dick” a microphone wire, he still bring the hornies. I hope the thirsty tricks are sitting down because his ex (and thirsty trick herself) K. Michelle has come out to say Idris gives good head.
Good news for thirsty bitches everywhere! Bottomless mimosa Idris Elba continues to make money moves and recently signed a deal to star in an adaptation of The Hunchback Of Notre Dame for Netflix. This the second project he’s announced with Netflix, the first being the Manny/DJ comedy Turn Up Charlie. That Manny/DJ show sounds cringey on paper. But it’s a comedy so it could be fun. But Hunchback is like, high brow art for grown-ups, right? No more dicking around with turntables and nobs and no more singing, Idris. Just give us some darkly brooding hump flexing.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Idris Elba’s got some whickety-whickety-whack news for his fans. No, it’s not that he’s married (not yet at least). It’s that Idris will be relying on his skills on the ones and twos for his upcoming Netflix comedy series where he will play a DJ/manny.