Sometimes you take a big swing and you miss. It can happen to anybody. What’s important is that you dust yourself off and keep it moving. I hope that the dollmaker who took a noble stab at making an Idris Elba doll, will one day find it within himself to sculpt and paint again. A niche British doll company called Emperis was just trying to do a thirsty world a favor by creating a likeness of Idris that customers could fit in their pocket (flesh or fabric, no one’s here to judge). Unfortunately, the resulting doll didn’t turn out looking much like Idris. It looks more like Montel Williams after he’s eaten too much cheese.
If you’ve pulled every hair out of your body and bit your nails, skin, and finger meat down to the bone and all you’ve got left are some dangling phalanges and a crotch smoother than a Sphynx cat’s asshole, then you’re probably an American who is already following the midterm elections. Or you’re a citizen of the world who was worried about a much more important matter: People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Yeah, definitely the second one.
Last year, People caused the Census Bureau to double check if only one man is alive when they named Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive 2017. If People named a pair of cum-stained Fruit of the Loom chonies lying on a broken Bud Light bottle in the parking lot of a Dave & Buster’s as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018, it would’ve been an upgrade, but they really went for it by giving the title to crotch seizure-inducing daddy Idris Elba. Finally, the popular vote matters!
Well, shit. As much as I detest Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, I now have to officially add Cats (excuse me while I hork up a hairball) to my holiday movie must-see list. You see, according Deadline, Idris Elba is in final talks for a role in the upcoming film adaptation, and he might be wearing spandex.
Most of us got the nether tingles when word came out that Idris Elba and his maybe-maybe-not giant trouser snake were in negotiations to play 007 and double-oh-how-many-inches-is-it, respectively. Idris would have been the first black James Bond, but word is coming out that the role could have had just as momentous a turn years earlier had Michael Jackson gotten his way. Michael wanted to play 007. Alas, the audition sounds like a disaster. I’m shocked!
When it comes to the phrase “flip-flop” mentioned around Idris Elba, I wish it would be referencing his flip-flop fuck with Chris Hemsworth on PornHub. But lately, “flip-flop” is what the rumors about Idris being the next James Bond have been doing.
If you thought the recent flash floods in New York were due to global warming, let me put on my best Trump voice and say that you are “WRONG”. That excessive wetness was a perfectly natural human reaction to the news of a few days ago that Idris Elba and his people were once again in talks for him to play James Bond in the next installment of the soon-to-be panty wringing franchise. But now it looks like this vicious rumor was all made up to keep toying with our emotions, because Idris as Bond isn’t happening anytime soon (again).