Families fight. It’s a fact of life. But there’s one thing almost every member of the family can agree on: Idris Elba can get it. Sisters drop they panties for him. Aunties be making a fool out of themselves and getting them hot flashes over him. Moms be planning elaborate meals to feed him, should he ever drop by. Straight uncles be binge-watching Luther and questioning theyselves. Gay brothers already done told you ’bout him 10 years ago. Well, here’s some good news for the family to enjoy together: Idris is never going to disappoint you by marrying some unworthy chickenhead.
I don’t know why Mondays keep happening, but for some reason, they do and another one happened today. But well, the universe must have taken pity on those who have to struggle through another gross Monday, because it has gifted the world with these pictures of Big Gulp of hotness, Idris Elba, swallowing a hot dog. Mondays are still disgusting, but they aren’t that disgusting when you can rest your eyes on pictures of Idris Elba wrapping his mouth around a plump wiener between two buns.
On Saturday, Idris shot scenes in Downtown L.A. for The Dark Tower, and he took a break to fill himself with the luckiest hot dog in the world! It’s obvious to me now that Idris and I are soulmates, because like me, he’s a weird trick who can eat a dry dog. Movie theater employees always look at me like I’ve got a dick on my forehead when they ask me if I want ketchup or mustard for my hot dog and I say, “No, I like it plain.” But what’s really weird to me is that Idris’ hot dog stayed dry. I would think that as soon as he put it in his mouth, it’d shoot out a stream of mayonnaise. Weird hot dog is weird.
Here’s more of the Panty Creamer Hall of Famer on Saturday:
Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba is currently shooting a “docu-series” for Discovery UK that follows him as he lives out his dream of being a professional kickboxer. Idris pounded and fisted a dude in a match over the weekend and sitting in the front row was Madonna, who posted a clip of him in action on Instagram. Idris and some of his friends celebrated his kickboxing debut at a restaurant in London called M, and Madge was papped going in. A witness tells The Sun that once inside, Idris risked getting his soul sucked out of his body by putting his mouth on the mouth of the always-thirsty High Priestess of the Illuminati.
I don’t think Idris Elba is too old to play James Bond. But I do think he’s too old to be showing up to a premiere dressed like an Ivy League frat boy going to a keg party in the Hamptons. A grown and mature movie star wears a tuxedo g-string to a premiere if he wants to be respected! (Shhh, just so with it.)
The noted clit tingler is currently on the Star Trek promo tour, but it should really be called the “Stop Asking Me About That Bond Shit 2016 Tour.” Because Idris’ ears have been humped with question after question about whether Daniel Craig is going to pass the
torch martini to him or not. While talking to Michael Strahan on Good Morning America (via NYDN), the Bond shit was brought up again and Idris said that he’s got too many rings on his trunk (wink wink) to play Bond.
“It is the wildest rumor in the world. I keep saying if it were to happen it would be the will of a nation because there hasn’t been any talks between me and the studio about any of that. But everywhere I go people want that to happen. If I’m really honest man, I think I’m too old for that. Running around in cars, and ladies and martinis, who wants to do that? Sounds terrible.”
He must’ve been telling jokes. Idris is 45. Daniel Craig was 47 when Spectre came out and Pierce Brosnan was 49 when Die Another Day was released. When Roger Moore shot A View to a Kill, he should’ve sprinkled wheat germ in his martinis, because he was 58 when it came out. Idris is not too old. But if Idris wants to play Bond, he just fucked himself and not in a sexy way. The producers really aren’t going to hire him now. They’re going to assume that he’s on the bad shit again. I mean, who says that a man is “too old” for a role in a Hollywood movie? They don’t even know what those words mean in Hollywood. That’s crazy talk!
And here’s more of Idris bringing the sex (even in those sneakers) at the premiere of Star Trek Beyond in San Diego, CA yesterday. I also threw in pictures of Chris Pine fighting the hot with that goatee and Zachary Quinto looking like an extra in an Aqua video.
Seen above looking all sweaty and rode hard from (probably) having backseat fuck times on the car ride over, Idris Elba and his ex-girlfriend/baby mother #2 Naiyana Garth have probably gotten back together. So you can go ahead and remove that “Reserved for Idris Elba” sign from your punane…. for now.
Earlier this year, legs opened over 4 words: Idris Elba is single. It was reported that 43-year-old Idris and 28-year-old Niayana broke up and he moved his shit out of the house they shared together and moved into a new place nearby. Idris wanted to be near his and Niayna’s 23-month-old son Winston. It was rumored that Idris moved on from Niayana and put on some Blackberry-proof armor to get with his friend Naomi Campbell. But now it looks like he and Naiyana are back to bumping sex parts full-time.
Idris and Naiyana walked the carpet at the BAFTA TV Awards in London last night. Idris was nominated for Best Actor for Luther. He lost to Mark Rylance for Wolf Hall. Before Idris lost the award, he told reporters on the red carpet that he was dealing with a lost voice:
“I’ve lost my voice over the last two days so I’m a little bit nervous if I do win, I won’t have much to say.”
Okay, Idris Elba’s messed up vocal cords confirm that he and Naiyana are in a relationship again. Because in my experience, 98% of every relationship is spent screaming, “I hate you! Hell is too good for you! I regret the day I met your ass! I’d rather stick a wasabi pea in my piss hole than be with you for another second!“, at your piece and the other 2% is spent hollering during makeup sex.
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!