Daniel Craig is expected to hang up his crusty blue Speedo as Bond after filming the next movie. So MGM is on the lookout for a new Bond. For years, there’s been talk that producers will dip Bond into a vat of fresh deliciousness until he comes out resembling Idris Elba. However, Idris is still in no mood for international espionage while saving bony damsel types from villains with unfortunate names like Gold N. Showers. No no, he wants to do other projects but may slide the vacancy spot over to his role model Donald Glover.
To Hollywood, Idris Elba is probably just a darker skinned version of Will Smith. Other than their complexions, they are exactly the same and TOTALLY interchangeable. I mean, can you think of two other big Hollywood stars who can also rap (Ansel Elgort DOES NOT COUNT)? As soon as I saw a headline somewhere that said Idris would be replacing Will Smith in an upcoming project, I assumed it was the King James biopic playing Venus and Serena Williams’ dark-skinned daddy. But it wasn’t! Idris is replacing Will as Deadshot in the Suicide Squad sequel.
At the Golden Globes last night, the 007 pot was stirred. No, that doesn’t mean Pussygalore was there. Current James Bond, Daniel Craig, was there supporting his nominated wife, Rachel Weisz. Source of many a-nethers tingle and potential future James Bond and Pussygalore of a different variety, Idris Elba, was also there, and he used his Instagram to make people remember he could be coming for Danny Boy’s job!
Sometimes you take a big swing and you miss. It can happen to anybody. What’s important is that you dust yourself off and keep it moving. I hope that the dollmaker who took a noble stab at making an Idris Elba doll, will one day find it within himself to sculpt and paint again. A niche British doll company called Emperis was just trying to do a thirsty world a favor by creating a likeness of Idris that customers could fit in their pocket (flesh or fabric, no one’s here to judge). Unfortunately, the resulting doll didn’t turn out looking much like Idris. It looks more like Montel Williams after he’s eaten too much cheese.
If you’ve pulled every hair out of your body and bit your nails, skin, and finger meat down to the bone and all you’ve got left are some dangling phalanges and a crotch smoother than a Sphynx cat’s asshole, then you’re probably an American who is already following the midterm elections. Or you’re a citizen of the world who was worried about a much more important matter: People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Yeah, definitely the second one.
Last year, People caused the Census Bureau to double check if only one man is alive when they named Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive 2017. If People named a pair of cum-stained Fruit of the Loom chonies lying on a broken Bud Light bottle in the parking lot of a Dave & Buster’s as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018, it would’ve been an upgrade, but they really went for it by giving the title to crotch seizure-inducing daddy Idris Elba. Finally, the popular vote matters!
Well, shit. As much as I detest Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, I now have to officially add Cats (excuse me while I hork up a hairball) to my holiday movie must-see list. You see, according Deadline, Idris Elba is in final talks for a role in the upcoming film adaptation, and he might be wearing spandex.