Variety has published a list of the top earning celebrities for 2019 and Martin Lawrence is sitting pretty at the big boys’ (and girls, and Tommy Girl’s) table. And no, I’m not talking about that Martin Lawrence, I’m talking about original recipe Martin Lawrence. Thanks to his Bad Boys For Life co-star Will Smith, Martin Fitzgerald Lawrence out-earned Academy Award nominees Jessica Chastain and Joaquin Phoenix. The three-time Kid’s Choice nominee was paid $6 million for reprising his role in the Bad Boys 3-sequel. I guess that creepy genie really can make wishes come true!
It is with great sadness that I regretfully report that yesterday, Idris Elba, 46, married his fiancee Sabrina Dhowre, 29, in Marrakesh. To add insult to injury, British Vogue was there to cover the entire wedding in order to fucking rub it into all of our faces today. The only positive thing I have to say about this is that at least Idris and Sabrina ripped the Band-Aid off and wasted no time in getting married after breaking all of our hearts in February when they got engaged. Actually, I don’t think that helps. I’m going to need my full body Idris pillow and super-cut of the best of Stringer Bell from The Wire STAT while weeping on the couch with cheesecake. Why, Idris, why?!
I wish Baha Men had cut a b-side to “Who Let the Dogs Out” called “Who Let The Cats In” because it would be a hilarious and fitting punchline to Tom Hopper‘s upcoming live-action Cats movie. This week we learned a little bit more about the movie as Universal Pictures held their 2019 CinemaCon and disclosed that the titular cats won’t be actual people. That means that instead of seeing Idris Elba and company slithering around in leotards and tights with tufts of fun-fur strategically glued on, we can expect to see something more in keeping with MC Skat Kat, which is far more disturbing.
Daniel Craig is expected to hang up his crusty blue Speedo as Bond after filming the next movie. So MGM is on the lookout for a new Bond. For years, there’s been talk that producers will dip Bond into a vat of fresh deliciousness until he comes out resembling Idris Elba. However, Idris is still in no mood for international espionage while saving bony damsel types from villains with unfortunate names like Gold N. Showers. No no, he wants to do other projects but may slide the vacancy spot over to his role model Donald Glover.
To Hollywood, Idris Elba is probably just a darker skinned version of Will Smith. Other than their complexions, they are exactly the same and TOTALLY interchangeable. I mean, can you think of two other big Hollywood stars who can also rap (Ansel Elgort DOES NOT COUNT)? As soon as I saw a headline somewhere that said Idris would be replacing Will Smith in an upcoming project, I assumed it was the King James biopic playing Venus and Serena Williams’ dark-skinned daddy. But it wasn’t! Idris is replacing Will as Deadshot in the Suicide Squad sequel.
At the Golden Globes last night, the 007 pot was stirred. No, that doesn’t mean Pussygalore was there. Current James Bond, Daniel Craig, was there supporting his nominated wife, Rachel Weisz. Source of many a-nethers tingle and potential future James Bond and Pussygalore of a different variety, Idris Elba, was also there, and he used his Instagram to make people remember he could be coming for Danny Boy’s job!