Back in July, Michael K had the unenviable task of breaking some hard news to us: Lifetime kicking us in our nostalgia nads by remaking Beaches. Well, we’re fast approaching the release of Beaches 2.0, so Lifetime released a trailer. Let’s just watch this thing and get it over with.
As you can see, the new version is going to have Idina Menzel in Bette Midler’s spot and Nia Long in Barbara Hershey’s. As you can hear, Idina is going to be caterwauling Bette’s 1988 hit “Wind Beneath My Wings” among other songs, both old and new.
I hopped off the Idina Menzel train head-first back during those unspeakable years when every child alive wanted to sing Frozen songs at me. She’s a great talent and she gave us one of my favorite John Travolta gaffes of all time so I won’t hate too hard. But that voice sends the wrong kind of chills up my spine and this trailer was tough.
Even tougher are the visuals. This trailer looks like an extended ad for a medium-fancy rehab facility that calls itself a “wellness retreat center.” Whatever it is, it’s definitely not the original. Remember how shitty and selfish CC was? And how Hillary would just sit and scowl all aloof in a corner? THAT was drama. This new trailer is just cuts of two women laughing and touching their foreheads together.
Click below if you’ve ever seen two suburban moms catching up at a Cracker Barrel and thought, “I wish this story would come to life.”
All together now (to the tune of the “flyyyyy” part of Wind Beneath My Wings): ♫ Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyyyyyy ♫
Garry Marshall’s body has barely gone cold and those butchers at Lifetime have already made plans to pull out one of his classics and hack it to bits. Deadline reports that Lifetime has given the thumbs up to a remake of 1988’s Beaches starring Idina Menzel. Even though Idina’s look is more “Hillary” than “CC,” Lifetime has cast her as C.C. Bloom, the role that Bette Midler played to perfection in the original. Lifetime’s version will include the songs “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “The Glory of Love,” as well as new and original songs. Lifetime’s Bitches (on purpose typo and it stays) will terrorize our TV screens next year. Here’s a few more details from Deadline:
Allison Anders (Ring of Fire) will direct the Lifetime remake from a script by Bart Baker (Honeymoon with Harry) and Nikole Beckwith (Stockholm, Pennsylvania). Di Novi and Greenspan executive produce for A+E Studios. Production is set to begin on August 15.
Whenever I scream, “ILLEGAL,” over Hollywood slaughtering another classic from our childhoods, some trick will e-mail me to say that remakes happen, get over it and blah blah blah… I know, the audacity of someone accusing me of being melodramatic! But the thing is, it sounds like Lifetime isn’t even doing anything new with Beaches. It seems like they’re just bringing it into “modern day” and since Lifetime is doing it, it’ll be low-budget as hell and the beach scenes will be shot in the sandbox of a park in the Valley somewhere.
If they insist on remaking Beaches, they should do something new. Do an all-animal version starring Bandito and Luigi! Or a gay version! One way to get Richard Simmons to twirl out of retirement is to offer him the role of C.C. Bloom in an all-gay remake of Beaches.
Here’s the basic cable CC Bloom yodeling at a gala in NYC last month:
Sure, dried drop of urethral pus Donald Trump mouth shat up another batshit crazy dingle today when he called for Russia to hack Hillary Clinton, but here at Dlisted, we only post about the most important political news, so here’s the video of a bunch of famous and famous-esque people singing Rachel Platten’s little-known, unheard pop single “Fight Song.”
Jabba the Trump had the USA Freedom Kids (whose manager is threatening to throw a lawsuit at the Trump campaign for violating an agreement) and Hillary Clinton has a bunch of celebrities singing “Fight Song” on the old set of The Branchy Bunch’s intro. The Los Angeles Times says that Elizabeth Banks put together as many pro-Hillary celebs as she could to sing in a video for the DNC. The likes of Aisha Tyler, Mandy Moore, Rob Reiner, Connie Britton, Kathy Najimy, Julie Bowen, Hana Mae Lee, America Ferrera, John Michael Higgins, Kristen Chenoweth, Idina Menzel, Billy Porter, Sia, Dollar Tree Victorian cameo Jaime King (who really, really took it seriously) and a bunch of others warbled out a cover of “Fight Song” that made my face contort into the cringe position. I cringed, cringed and cringed some more.
For the first minute, I thought to myself, “You all are NOT helping!”, but that all changed when the music stopped and Jane Fonda talk-sang for her life!
Leave it to Jane Fonda to save it all. But if you watched that video above, you know that Jane wasn’t the only one who really delivered. About 90 seconds in, Ellen Greene (aka Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors) popped up in impeccable Louise Brooks cosplay and delivered a stirring, raw and melodramatic re-telling of “Fight Song.” That is how it’s done.
God, I love theater people.
To be clear, the “this” I’m referring to is Taylor Swift singing with Idina Menzel, not Taylor Swift dressed up in a Disney character costume. I doubt that’s new. I’m sure Tay Tay has a whole dress-up trunk filled with Disney Store costumes that gets hauled out at every Sugar Cookie Squad sleepover.
For a while there, Taylor’s “Please welcome to the stage” game was getting a little random (I’m looking at you, Mick Jagger’s people), and I was afraid she was going to run out of famous friends and start welcoming a bunch of non-famous friends to the stage. Like her car mechanic, or the person who releases the woodland animals into her bedroom every morning so she can recreate Sandy’s part of the Grease opening credits. But at Tay Tay’s final show in the U.S. last night, she decided to make a million little girl dreams come true by “Please welcome to the stage“-ing the voice of Elsa from Frozen to sing “Let It Go“.
See, Adele Dazeem makes sense! First of all, Tay Tay is a die-hard theater kid trapped in the body of a…well, a very lanky theater kid. Second, Tay Tay is pretty much the real-life version of Elsa (blonde, always singing, able to freeze people out). Plus, you know Taylor Swift is the only person left on Earth who isn’t totally sick of “Let It Go” by now.
The only downside is that Tay Tay now has to live with the realization that she just pissed off all the little girls who went to her shows in Los Angeles. “Wait, they got Elsa, and we got Joey from Friends? NOT FAIR!“
Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you retrieve your jaws from the floor, since I assume they all dropped from shock after reading this BREAKING news. Idina Menzel, the person Lea Michele pretends to be when she gets bored of playing low-budget Barbra, used to have dark brown hair. She pretty much had dark brown hair forever. But yesterday she tweeted a picture of herself with blonde hair and the words:
“Look what me and my girl @jenytamera did today. Needed a change. Loving it! #brunettetoblonde #blondehairdontcare“
I have to admit, those blonde highlights and that middle part are working for her. It’s sort of giving me a 1999 Delia’s catalogue Bottled Emotion 8th grade cool girl vibe, and I don’t hate it. However, I am disappointed that she didn’t complete the look with a baby blue Airwalk jacket, a white ribbed baby tee, 12 glittery butterfly clips, and half a pencil’s worth of chalky white eyeliner.
Idina Menzel didn’t say why she needed a change, but I bet it has something to do with wanting to go incognito after that creepy face-molesting moment she had with John Travolta at the Oscars this year. Is dying your hair part of the Witness Protection Program’s guide to hiding your identity? First it’s the hair, then it’s a legal name change. I see you, Adele Dazeem.
In case you’re looking at the picture above and thinking “Wasn’t Elsa from Frozen always blonde?“, here’s a bunch of pre-bleach pictures of Idina to remind you what she used to look like:
John Travolta was the breakout star of last year’s Oscars when he gave us the gift of “Adele Dazeem” and last night he made it perfectly clear that he cannot be topped (yes, I see what I did there) as the #1 creator of Oscar night fuckery. John’s crown is firmly sewed into his Shih-Tzu wig and cannot be snatched. John gave the Internet several gifts last night and it started early when he delicately planted a creepy kiss on ScarJo’s face while on the red carpet as she threw him a “Bitch, you better not be putting MAC Lip Glass stains on my face” look. That picture looks like a still from one of the creepiest Twilight Zone episodes of all-time. John Travolta looks like a mad scientist who is marveling at the perfect and gorgeous robot beard he just built. That kiss is very “my precious, my precious.” That picture could even bring a chill to Vincent Price’s spine.
And John kept the hits coming by throwing this look at Benedict Cumberbatch during the show:
Some people on Twitter said that John needed to be hooked up to an IV drip full of Gatorade since he looked thirsty as all hell, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening in this picture. I think that John has got B. Cums’ number. The Alien Lizard King is probably from one of Scientology’s rival planets and John Travolta is keeping an eye on his shifty nemesis.
John not only entertained us on the red carpet and in the audience, he also brought the WTFness to the stage. John and Idina Menzel reunited to present Best Original Song. Idina made fun of John screwing up her name by calling him Glom Gazingo, which strangely enough is his alien drag queen name. While presenting with Idina, John did this:
On one hand, it’s not that weird since that’s how Scientologists greet non-Scientologists. He’s touching her face to make sure she’s not really an undercover alien from a rival planet wearing a human mask (see: B. Cums). But on the other hand, John, of all hos, should know that it’s never okay to screw with someone’s makeup like that. If Idina smeared his blush and foundation game the way he did hers, he’d run off the stage screaming, “Touch up! Touch up! I need a touch a up!”
And finally, John was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the show and told Jimmy that we all owe last year’s “Adele Dazeem” screw-up to Goldie Hawn. John said that he ran into Goldie Hawn right before he went out on stage and her sexiness and charisma threw him off. Oh, Glom Gazingo, never stop, never stop. And where’s the petition to get John to host and present every award at next year’s Oscars?