Once the CIA finishes their investigation into the shady Russia stuff, can they please open up an investigation into the cyber attack I suffered through when someone sent me this hurtful video. This video caused pain to my eyeballs, my nostrils (because I inhaled a large cloud of bullshit fumes) and my throat (from heaving).
Rob & Chyna was renewed by E! for a second season, because Chyna hasn’t really fulfilled her oath to Pimp Mama Kris until she’s delivered a sex tape, a wedding, another spawn or two, a divorce and some kind of medical drama that can be milked for at least 10 episodes. Rob and Chyna celebrated the renewal of their shit show by Snapchatting themselves sucking each other’s faces as it rained money on them. It’s like an ultra romantic version of the kissing in the rain scene from The Notebook…
For the past three years, the gazillionaires at Google have hosted an exclusive invite-only conference for tech VIPs and celebrities in Sicily, Italy called The Camp. The Camp is an expensive, mysterious trip to Italy to…well, I have no idea what they do there. There’s a website, but you have to have a secret password to access it. What I do know is that they hire famous people to perform for their guests. This year, one of the performers was smooth-voiced magician and sometime Pussy Posse member David Blaine. And he brought a silent big-eyed assistant with him. No, not Lukas Haas; he brought a frog. A frog that he sent up and down his esophagus like it was an elevator.
It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.
Let me take you on a trip. A trip back to a simpler time. It was 1987 and a young man had just started a new job at at Prince & Company, a department store. This young man was an artist and he assembled the perfect mannequin. Through the power of mysticism and love, that mannequin came to life and became his lover and muse. That mannequin was more human than anyone he’d ever met. Which is more than I can say for the topic of this post – possessed monster mannequin Wendy Williams.
Wendy recently went on Conan and he asked her about her parenting style. She says she’s a pretty chill mom and that her family is very open, especially when it comes to doors. She has a no closed doors policy in her lab, I mean house in which she lives with her human creators, I mean family, human family. Conan nearly punches her – in his eyes, it’s all in his eyes – when he hears that because 15-year-old boys, which Wendy has one of, need closed doors like plants need sunshine and water. She says they’re all “heavy walkers” and constantly clearing their throats so they can all hear when someone is approaching in the house.
But, this being Wendy, she has to overshare and give us the dry heaves. She tells a story about her son walking in on her giving her husband a blowjob. The incident took place two years ago when her son was 13 and she says it was some sort of learning experience for him and now he’ll always know to walk loud or clear his throat before every damn step he takes in that house.
“He wouldn’t kiss me! He wouldn’t kiss me, Conan!” wins my award for quote of the weekend. Why she would tell this story I have no idea. It’s mortifying and gross. Her son is definitely not going to be an easy teenager if she keeps this shit up. Either she’s pulling “cool mom” by not caring he walked in on them or she hasn’t had the program for embarrassment installed yet. Whatever the reason, it takes a certain kind of someone to go on national TV and silly tee-hee about their kid catching them giving head. And now that we know this story, they really should do some additional filming for the movie about her life.
Deadline says that Woody Allen has cast the hillbilly chipmunk Miley Cyrus and Elaine May in his new show for Amazon. Woody Allen is also going to star in it. Elaine May is way over the age of 30, so she’s obviously not going to be the pervy turtle’s love interest. That’s probably going to be Miley. This is really good news for the makers of Pepto-Bismol, because hos are going to need to swallow several bottles of that pink stuff to deal with the heaves they’ll get after watching Miley rub her chicken paillard ass cheeks on Woody Allen’s face. I don’t think the world will ever be ready for Miley Cyrus as Woody Allen’s new muse. Here’s a few details about Woody’s new show.
“Allen has set the principal cast for the six half-hour-episode series that will take place in the 1960s, and it is certainly unexpected. Allen, who wrote the scripts and will direct, has set Elaine May and Miley Cyrus to star alongside him. I don’t know a lot more than this, as Allen is shrewd offering information on his projects. It begins shooting in March.”
And Miley has worked with Uncle Terry and now she’s doing shit with Woody Allen. So don’t be too surprised when she announces that she’s starring in Roman Polanski’s new movie and is doing a sandwich line with Subway Jared.
No, you didn’t fall into a time warp that transported back to the ‘passed out in a grey hoodie‘ Lindsay Lohan years. This happened in this year, 2016. According to Radar, Dina Lohan’s two daughters got kicked out of a Manhattan bar on Friday night for acting like two trashy messes. “That’s my girlsssss” burped Dina in between glugs of vodka.
It all started late on Friday night when Lindsay (who I guess is on vacation from her full-time job of yacht hopping and Instagram tea hustling) and Ali Lohan and some of their friends barged into a place called Vbar and ran straight to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, a bartender knocked on the door and asked them to come out. When they wouldn’t come out, the bartender told them they had to leave, and that’s when LiLo swung open the door and went full-Lohan.
Rather than slink back out into the street without causing a scene, the Apricot Ashtray became “aggressive and belligerent“, and allegedly started screaming at a West African bartender in a not-right African accent. A source claims LiLo’s eyes were glazed over, and she hissed “This is New York. You’re not from here.” Shockingly, that’s not the trashiest thing that came out of Lindsay’s mouth that night.
“They wouldn’t leave and all hell was breaking loose and that’s when Lindsay spat in our friend’s face. The bar then erupted and everyone was yelling at them to leave.”
Eventually LiLo and Ali left, but they returned a short while later to stand outside the bar and film people with their cellphones, and slam their hands against the windows. But it doesn’t end there! Radar says that half an hour later, one of LiLo’s friends returned to the bar and tried to fight a bartender. When a bar patron started recording it, he grabbed their phone and tried to run off with it. That’s when the police were called, but Lindsay and Ali Lohan were long gone. The bartender denied to press charges against LiLo’s friend.
But what did Lindsay do next? Well, Lindsay responded to this mess by throwing up an inspirational quote to Instagram. Which is sort of ironic, considering the person she spat on will probably throw up every time they remember that time Lindsay Lohan hocked a toxic loogie in their face.