Category: Ian Somerhalder

Nikki Reed And Ian Somerhalder Plan 30 Days Of Silence After Their Baby Is Born

August 10, 2017 / Posted by:

Did your parents ever make you play the game How Long Can You Go Without Saying A Word? My mom used to pull that shit on me all the time when I was a kid. I was terrible at it and never lasted more than one minute.

Hopefully Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder are better at it than I was, because part of their birth plan includes 30 days of silence once their baby is born. It’s one of the myriad woo-woo pregnancy tidbits Nikki revealed in a recent Fit Pregnancy interview.

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Okay, But For Why Is She Wearing A Snuggie? 

May 4, 2017 / Posted by:

Ian Somerhalder and his wife of two years Nikki Reed both announced on their own Instagrams today that she’s pregnant with a baby that will probably be born with a permanent 5 o’clock shadow like their dad. Both Ian and Nikki posted that picture of him smelling her baby dome area while she works some kind of LDS birthing gown. Or maybe that’s what Nikki ended up with when she tried to recreate Jennifer Lopez’s Met Gala dress using old hospital gowns.

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“Err, Nic, My Face Is Stuck To Your Frozen Face Again…”

June 11, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m surprised there’s not a fat billow of steam rising up off of them. Isn’t that what happens when an extra hot human flat iron touches an ice cube?

Last night, something that happens every single night happened: awards were handed out to country stars. All of the oxygen on this planet will be sucked out into the universe and vengeance will come if a day goes by where a country music star doesn’t thank the lord for the trophy in their hand. So last night, the CMT Music Awards went down at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. Since they’re at every country music awards show, the frozen porcelain vase and the fresh-outta-the-kiln ceramic pot in a Suze Orman wig were at the CMT Music Awards last night.

Nicole Kidman looked stunning in matador pants, a rich old lady’s lunchin’ shoes, a face by DuPont and a fur-trimmed top that was a gaudy toddler dress in a past life. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or lighting or what (“It’s the ‘what.'” – you), but the Botox Baroness looks like she strolled into her plastic surgeon’s office and pondered between the Madame brand cheek cutlets and the Phoebe Price brand cheek cutlets before going with the latter. But on a more important note, I need to know which brand of SPF: Infinity And Beyond Nicole uses, because I burn easily and it’s amazing that she doesn’t get even a little bit tan while standing next to that humanized UV ray.

Here’s more pictures from the CMT Music Awards including a couple of Billy Ray Cyrus outdoing Keith Urban in the flat iron game.

Pics: Wenn.com

Ian Somerhalder Will Not Be Taking Pictures With You Today. It’s HIS Day.

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

You’d think that any Ian Somerhalder fan who is devoted and crazy enough to stand outside of his hotel in Paris would know that May 28th is International Ian Somerhalder Day and on that day, Ian Somerhalder does not take selfies or sign autographs, thankyouverymuch.

Yesterday in Paris, Ian and his partner in cheese Nikki Reed walked out of their hotel and straight into a group of fans who wanted a picture with him. Since it was May 28th and his day, Ian Somerhalder dramatically let his fans know in an impassioned speech that he would not be posing with them. If you’re fluent in side-eye reading, then you can clearly see the guy in the black suit and t-shirt saying, “Um, you know you could just take a quick picture with them in the time it’s taking you to give this long ass speech,” with his side-eye

That crying girl… It’s just Ian Somerhalder! It’s not like it’s a legendary Ian like Ian Ziering or anything.

I, for one, love Ian’s anti-Norma Desmond “I am NOT ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille” monologue. With a few changes, it’s the perfect speech to say in many situations. The next time a bill collector calls you, say to them, “You guys, I am not taking a single call from a bill collector today. It is MY day. Don’t call me, please. I love you. You’re so awesome.” Make sure you grab and shake your left titty when you say “MY” so they can really feel the emotion through the phone.

But seriously, if Ian really wanted those fans to leave him alone, he should’ve just said to them, “Hi, everyone, I’m not Zac Efron.” They would’ve said, “Oh shit,” before shuffling away.

Here’s What It Looked Like When Nikki Reed And Ian Somerhalder Got Married Last Month

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When vampire actress Nikki Reed and vampire actor Ian Somerhalder pressed the fast forward button on their relationship by making it legal last month, I was shocked beyond shocked that their first order of business wasn’t to run to UsWeekly or InTouch or the Glendale NOW! free weekly shopper and hustle their wedding photos for a check with a couple zeros at the end. Instead, Nikki held tight until yesterday when she released a highlight reel of their wedding to Instagram. Warning: high-levels of whimsical soft-focus romance ahead.

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Nikki Reed And Ian Somerhalder Really Aren’t Wasting Any Time

April 27, 2015 / Posted by:

After nine months of bumping fuck parts and three months of being engaged, fake vampires Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed got married in Malibu, CA yesterday. I hear all you bitter bitches putting your money into the their divorce pool. Put me down for six months.

E! News says that Ian and Nikki got married in front of family and friends including Lea Michele and her piece. Guests were asked to donate to Ian and Nikki’s favorite animal charity instead of getting them gifts and that’s nice of them. If I was Nikki’s friend or family member, I’d be pissed if I had to go out and buy her a VitaMix or some shit, knowing that I’m going to get it back in a few weeks when her marriage eats shit. No, that will never ever happen. Ian and Nikki will be together forever, because they never fight! Nikki told People a couple of months ago that they only fight about one thing. If you didn’t think it was humanly possible to roll your eyes and dry heave at the same time, this quote will prove you wrong:

“He thinks his eyes are ocean blue and I think they’re aqua.”

I disagree with both of them. I think his eyes are the color of the barf I throw up when I drink a Blue Raspberry Slurpee right before reading that quote again.

The Daily Mail has completely crystal clear pictures of Ian and Nikki frolicking in their wedding clothes and I’m pretty sure those pictures were taken with a sweet potato (the sweet potato is the next model up from a potato) attached to a drone.  This is 26 year-old Nikki’s second time at marriage. Her divorce to her first husband of 2 and a half years Paul McDonald was finalized this year. This is 36-year-old Ian Summerhalter’s first time at being married. Some hating prude haters are throwing a side-eye at Nikki, but I’m slow clapping for her. She is well on her way to building a huge engagement and wedding ring collection and if she keeps growing her collection it could be worth millions by the time she’s 65. She doesn’t need a 401k! Suze Orman should truly take note.

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