Many of us figured that it was only a matter of time before Ben Affleck would be papped hugging a young blonde bitch, but I don’t think this is what we envisioned in the thought bubble above of our head. Ben flew into Atlanta, where his future ex-wife Jennifer Garner is shooting a movie, on a private jet yesterday and when he got off of the plane, he was holding an adorable puppy friend. No, Ben didn’t just use the golden fur ball for a quick photo-op before handing the pooch over to his assistant after the paps left. A source who is totally not Ben’s publicist tells Bennifer 2.0 fanfiction site People that the dog is a post break-up gift for their three kids.
“It’s their new puppy. It’s a family dog. It’s another sign they are working together to raise kids and be in a kind relationship.”
Another source tells UsWeekly that Ben and Jen got the Golden Retriever puppy at a shelter in Pacific Palisades, CA. Since Ben Affleck has a heart made of ice, he looked at the litter of angelic puppy faces at the shelter and said, “Nope,” and was also an ass to a female volunteer. But he finally dribbled out a, “Yeah, whatever,” and they adopted a puppy for their kids. That’s just like a movie. Grouchy bitch doesn’t want dog. Grouchy bitch relents and gets dog. Grouchy bitch hates dog. Grouchy bitch slowly begins to open his heart for dog. Grouchy bitch eventually learns about unconditional love and patience from dog. Grouchy bitch and dog become best friends and go on a road trip in the sequel. Naw, this is Ben we’re talking about. He’ll hate that puppy forever and I’m sure he insults the dog by calling it “Gigli” when no one is around.
And in these pictures, Ben looks like he just peeled himself off of the sidewalk under a park bench where he passed out after he was kicked out of a low-rent casino for getting into a drunken brawl with another pokah player. Dude looks a mess. But really, who cares about that. There’s a puppy in all these pictures. Look at the puppy instead! (Damn, Ben’s PR Team is really good.)
The Hello Kitty Unicorn Butterfly Princess sang out “Vision of Love” and her Nick Cannon-dissing single “Infinity” at the Billboard Music Awards last night and after she took everyone to Costco by screaming out a high-note that sounded like a forklift, her longtime nemesis JLo clapped politely and made a face that said, “My hex is working.” (Meanwhile, Kylie Jenner was wondering where in the hell her obese gummy worm lips went. They look so regular-sized in that GIF.)
TMZ also has video of JLo scrolling through Instagram during part of Mimi’s performance. TMZ calls it “shade,” but I don’t think it’s shade. JLo was just doing a little business, that’s all. She was checking to see if her latest appliqués and pantyhose dress got enough attention. If it didn’t, she was planning to take it off backstage and come out wearing sequined nipple tassels and an elegant clit sock.
That dog wants no part of Nick Loeb’s acts of fuckery and I’m with it.
Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb wrote a New York Times op-ed piece about why he wants complete control of their frozen embryos and I guess The New York Times published it, because they didn’t have anything else. (Dear New York Times, if you ever need a highly interesting and thought-provoking op-ed piece, please ask me to write one about the different flavors of dick cheese or why Homework starring Joan Collins is an underrated masterpiece that belongs in the AFI Hall of Fame.) In the piece, which should be titled, “How To Get Back At The Ex You’re Not Over And Get The Pro-Life Crowd On Your Side While Doing So,” Nick explains why he’s asking a court to ignore what Sofia Vergara wants and let him turn those frozen embryos into humans.
Tom Cruise gets all the credit for being the reigning Empress of Scientology and I know he’s allegedly David Miscavige’s sugar daddy, but that trick really has nothing on John Travolta. If there is such thing as the Empress of Scientology pageant, then this year’s crown (which probably looks like this) needs to sit on top of John Travolta’s luxurious beaver tail wig. Because while Tommy Girl is keeping his mouth lips shut about Going Clear, the wigged one has put on his fightin’ wig and is defending Scientology like he has to or they’ll expose his secrets. Oh, wait…
John has already said that if Going Clear came on the TV at Planet Fitness at 3am, he’d close his eyes, plug his ears and sing, “Lalalalala I’m not listening lalalalala.” John is not going to watch that fairy tale Going Clear and during an interview with Good Morning America to promote his new movie The Forger, he continued to let it be known that Scientology is better than two-steppin’ with Olivia Newton-John. As GMA’s Amy Robach asked questions about Going Clear, David Miscavige probably telepathically sent John images of him holding an unlit match and a gas holder in John’s wig room. So John stayed on script.
On why there’s so much interest in Scientology: Mostly because it’s not understood. People really need to take the time to read a book. You know, that’s my advice. Uh, you can read New Slant on Life. You can read Dianetics. I think if you really read it, you’ll understand it. But unless you do, you’ll speculate. I think that’s a mistake to do that.
On why Scientology has so many hating haters: Sometimes when something really works well, it becomes a target. 40 years for me, I’ve been part of it. I’ve loved every minute of it. And my family has done so well with it. It’s a beautiful thing for me. I’ve saved lives with it. I’ve saved my own life several times. Through my loss of my son, it helped me every step of the way for 2 years solid. Here I am, talking to you because of it.
If by “really works well,” he means really works well at pushing him so far into the closet that he’s part of the drywall, then he’s totally right. But really, he’s also right about gaining an understanding of Scientology if you read Dianetics. I haven’t read the whole thing, but I read a couple of chapters at Barnes & Noble once and it helped me understand how batshit crazy that shit is. It’s like a sci-fi world salad. But I see John Travolta trying to recruit new members by telling people to read Diarrhetic (typo and it stays). I’m surprised he also didn’t say, “And when you order Dianetics from the Scientology online store, make sure you enter the code ‘LRONSHOMEGIRL’ so I get credit.”
And now here’s a story that Lifetime will turn into a movie in 3..2.. What am I saying? Those bitches are fast. They probably already filmed it this morning and will release it this Saturday night. Check your local listings.
Sofia Vergara and Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb were on and off for years and during one of the times they were “on” they decided to make embryos using his baby batter and her huevos. The embryos were created in 2013 and have been chilling in a facility in Beverly Hills ever since. Sofia and Nick broke up for good in 2014 and a quick minute later she wiped away her ex’s crazy on Joe ManJello’s dick. Sofia is now engaged to Joe ManJello and wants to completely move on from Nick. Sofia wants to toss out the embryos, because she’s never going to use them.
Scott Eastwood and his Tiny Size Chiclets teeth are everywhere, because Hollywood is trying to make him happen and he’s pushing that latest Nicholas Sparks turd about the love struggles of pretty, young white people. Clint Eastwood’s child was on Watch What Happens Live last night with Duckie from Pretty In Pink. Duckie was asked if it was awkward working with Ashton Kutcher since both of them bumped fuck parts with Demi Moore. Jon Cryer answered the question and the moment was all about him until Scott Eastwood’s attention whore ass slid on in with his own Ashton Kutcher story. Jon Cryer was TRYING TO TELL A GODDAMN STORY (Copyright: Paula Abdul) and Scott Eastwood just had to swoop in and steal the spotlight. Story of Duckie’s life….
Scott said that his girlfriend at the time cheated on him by passing her pussy to Ashton Kutcher who was still married to Demi Moore. All the way back in the olden days of 2011, two chicks took a ride on Ashton’s douche stick after partying with him at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego. One of them sold her story to UsWeekly and spilled all the details including how Ashton spilled in her cooch since he didn’t wear a condom. She also later made a masterpiece confession video in a rented house. Scott also said that his friend’s girlfriend was the other chick Ashton boned that night. Ashton’s San Diego bareback fuck party was apparently one of the reasons why his and Demi’s marriage died. Scott says he isn’t mad at Ashton or his ex-girlfriend. Why would he be? Ashton’s wandering peen gave him a story to tell on a talk show while pushing his movie.
That thirsty “I ain’t one to gossip” screen shot on the video below tells you everything:
You can practically hear Scott Eastwood’s b-hole open as he squirts with excitement over finally getting to use that little nugget. So douchey… So smuggy… So smarmy… On that note, I’d definitely take The Longest Ride on that shit.
Here’s Scott Eastwood and his co-star Britt Robertson posing on the top of the Empire State Building yesterday.
Ever since a Rappin’ Rockin’ Barbie doll came to life one day and began living as an Australian rapper named Iggy Azalea, there’s been a giant-ass (no pun intended) rumor that the words “Written by Iggy Azalea” are as false as her titties. In the beginning, most fingers were being pointed at Iggy’s mentor T.I., and to a lesser extent, a well-used copy of the PlayStation game PaRappa the Rapper. But now we have another name to add to the list, because a rapper named Skeme recently admitted that he wrote the song “Fancy“. Insert all your ‘Who dat? Who dat? F-A-K-E’ jokes here.
It all happened during an interview with Shade45’s Sway in the Morning during SXSW when Skeme (real name: Lonnie Kimble) was asked about his part-time career as a ghost writer. That’s when it was brought up that he recently ghost wrote a Grammy-nominated song. Skeme wouldn’t name names, so they started prodding him for hints. First they asked him to confirm if it was one of the most popular songs of 2014. Then if it was performed by a woman. Then if that woman is from overseas.
Eventually he was asked if her name rhymes with Wiggy, and I guess that’s when Skeme realized the jig was up, because he coyly admitted that the song was “Fancy” before making the claim that he “had something to do with it”. Skeme, however, did not write the hook; he says that credit belongs to the person who sung it, Charli XCX.
You can watch Skeme out himself as Iggy’s ghost writer below around the 2:27 mark:
Of course, he could be full of shit and lying about “Fancy” to cover up a much more embarrassing ghost writing credit for a much more embarrassing overseas singer, like Ariana Grande Latte (I believe Bratz dolls have a MADE IN TAIWAN stamp on their back). Who even knows. Although I do know we’ll never get the whole truth from Iggy herself; even if she tried to tell us, I doubt we’d able to understand a damn word she was saying.
Everyone jokes about how Leonardo DiCaprio is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars, and how he probably had his basement made up to look like the stage of the Dolby Theater so that when he’s feeling down he can pretend to accept an Academy Award while the 18-year-old models he’s going to fuck later sit naked in the audience. Leo is so hard up for Oscar that every now and again he makes one of his tricks-of-the-moment paint herself up like a gold Oscar statue before they get it on. And yes, he cries afterward when he realizes he might never ever have his own real-life Oscar statue. I figured that Leonardo would eventually stop fucking around and hire a screenwriter to write a 3-hour-long movie about an anorexic, paraplegic, blind man with Tourette’s who was an undercover agent against the Nazis during World War II. Leo didn’t do that, but instead he’s coming for that Oscar by playing ALL the roles in one movie.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Leonardo’s production company is producing a movie called The Crowded Room. The Crowded Room is the real-life story of Billy Milligan, a man with 24 different personalities who successfully used multiple personality disorder as a defense in a court of law. It’s like Sybil as re-written by John Grisham. Leonardo has apparently been trying to play Billy Milligan for 20 years. Leonardo will also produce and writers have already been hired. The movie is based on the book by Daniel Keyes.
Published in 1981, Keyes’ book chronicles Milligan’s story, including his court trial in the late 1970s in Ohio after being charged with robbery and raping three women on the Ohio State University campus.
In the preparation of his defense, Milligan — who died in December 2014 — was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Pleading insanity, he and his lawyers contended that two of his alternate personalities committed the crimes without his knowledge. He was the first to use this defense, and the first to be acquitted for this reason.
Milligan’s various personalities included Adalana, a lesbian taking responsibility for the rapes; Ragen, a Yugoslavian communist who admitted to the robbery; and Arthur, an uptight Englishman.
Leonardo is serious this time. He’s playing a woman, a communist AND Benedict Cumberbatch. When all else fails, play every possible Oscar bait-y role in the same movie. I’m sure Leonardo will be so good that the Academy will have no choice but to nominate him for Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress! He’ll win them all! Or, this will happen:
“And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to…. Rob Schneider for The Hot Chick 2!”
That’s probably what’s going to happen.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to her home away from the Chateau Marmont, an L.A. courtroom, tomorrow, to show the judge that she completed all 240 hours of her community service. The prosector Terry White has been going over the hours that LiLo supposedly completed through a London-based organization called Community Service Volunteers and he squinted his eyes over her trying to pass off meet-and-greets with audience members after Speed-The-Plow as community service. LiLo also tried to say that letting “disadvantaged youth” follow her around should count as a service to the community. LiLo has a point. If those kids were told, “Whatever she did, do the opposite and you’ll be fine,” after following her around, then that truly is community service. Now TMZ is saying that LiLo has brought Esurance into her schemes.
“What’s a Madonna?” said the average Snapchat user who is around 13 years fucking old.
Madge usually only mingles with the children when she needs to capture one to drink its virgin blood so her face stays tighter than an acrophobiac’s b-hole while standing in a hot air balloon, but she mingled with the children today because she wants them to buy her new album. Madge (seen above giving you plastic marionette after sucking on a lemon) skipped on over to the preschool playground of social media known as Snapchat and dropped her video for “Living For Clicks” (Aren’t we all?). “Living For Love” is the first single off of her new album Rebel Heart, which leaked everywhere yesterday and I’m already disappointed that I’m not watching video after video of the Glittery Gays of YouTube singing along to her songs with black shoelaces tied around their faces.
Billboard says that “Living For Love” debuted on Snapchat’s “Snap Channel” section, whatever the fuck that is, and the app’s 200 million users can watch it there. This shit is totally going to become a trend, isn’t it? Try not to look too shocked when Taylor Swift debuts her new video on the Pinterest app. What am I saying? She’ll debut it on Grindr because she’ll want her ex-boyfriends to see it.
If you’re an old bitch like me and don’t have Snapchat on your iPhone, because you don’t have room thanks to the Werther’s Original and AARP apps, here’s the video. I’m surprised the video is nothing but Madge crotch humping the face of a Martin Luther King Jr. impersonator wrapped in black licorice.
That shit is very American Horror Story: Take A Bow. It’ll definitely get yanked off, because Madge wants you to download Snapchat to see it, so if that happens click here.