“Oh goshdarnit, Ah think ah just gambled ayn loss into mah freakum toga…”
Engineers specialized in auto-tune theatrics and graphic designers are rejoicing, because the Empress of Auto-Tune and the Princess of Photoshop (sorry, the queen crown belongs to Mariah Carey) is coming back with a new album. Last night, Katy Perry squirted out the song that’s been brewing inside of her (and the other 4 writers too, I’m sure) for years. Katy released “Rise,” a dramatic anthem that will heal the world and cure Zika, or something.
Katy Perry wasn’t the only one to push out a song that will fill her vault with even more gold bars (while inspiring the world, of course). Brit Brit (giving you “nervous Burning Man go-go dancer” above) released “Make Me,” the first song off of her 9th album. “Make Me” is Brit Brit’s first since song that eardrum-murdering abomination “Pretty Girls” and it’s a zillion times better. Although, the sound of a hippo with diarrhea shitting onto a hyena trapped in a turned-on garbage disposal would probably sound better than “Pretty Girls.”
The song also features some rapper named G-Eazy, and if you haven’t put it in your ears yet, here you go.
Many say that “Make Me” is about Brit Brit getting some dick. But to me, it sounds like she’s at home alone, watching TV and when a commercial for Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos comes on, she can’t fight the urge to make sweet mouth love to that deliciousness anymore and jumps in her car to get some. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:
Friday, I’m dreaming a mile a minute ’bout somebody
This feeling, I wanna go with it, cause there’s no way
We’re hiding away from this tonight, oh, this tonight
Can tell you want me
By the way I see you starin’ ‘cross the room, babe
No shame in the game
Just cut the shit, be honest
Yeah, you know what you gotta do tonight, do tonight
Yup, totally a sexy ode to Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos.
When we last heard from Pimp Mama Kris’ fourth tier whore, Rob Kardashian, he had been hospitalized with diabetes and was apparently saying “fuck it” to diet and exercise. But well, it looks like Rob is now burning some calories and getting some exercise by holding up his FUPA as he wet humps on Blac Chyna from the back.
TMZ says that during the past few days, Rob has been spending a whole lot of time with the baby mother of his sister’s gross boyfriend. Blac Chyna used to live next to Pimp Mama Kris’ lair, but she and Rob never sucked on each other’s genitals back then. They only started fucking recently and if you’re wondering what brought these two together, just look at Twitter’s top trending topics to get your answer. (SPOILER ALERT: Blac Chyna is trending on Twatter.) Blac Chyna wanted everyone to know that Future is her past and Rob is now licking Splenda-sweetened lube off of her camel toe, so she queefed up this picture on Instagram this morning:
TMZ conducted an extremely thorough tattoo investigation and matched that tattoo with the tattoo on Rob’s arm.
Since that picture of Blac Chyna cuddling up to her rival’s brother went up on Instagram, Kylie Jenner tagged Rob’s name in a picture of a devil and Khloe Kartrashian tweeted about how you don’t go against the family. Khlozilla later klaimed she wasn’t talking about Rob but was talking about some other family member who pulled out of her shit puddle of a talk show at the last minute. So basically, Rob has moved from the bottom of the fame whore chain to somewhere in the middle since he’s given PMK a storyline she can milk dry. “Sources” have already told E! that the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is a succubus skank who is using a vulnerable Rob to get back at Kylie.
Oh please, Blac Chyna and Rob Kartrashian’s union is obviously built on true love and true love only. These dirt star-crossed lovers are the Romeo & Juliet of our time. Although, I’m sure this will end with the Kartrashians unfollowing Rob on Twitter and that’s like much, much more tragic than a double suicide.
And here’s old pictures of the one-time sock mogul’s arm tattoos:
Because Nicki Minaj wanted to switch the focus from her coattail rider Meek Mill getting ran over several times by Wheelchair Jimmy in a stupid diss track battle, she called him her “baby father” during a show in Pittsburgh on Saturday night. Some thought that meant that there’s a rhinestone-encrusted fetus growing in between her exercise balls titties and her exercise balls ass. But in a shocking PLOT TWIST, it turns out that Nicki doesn’t have a CASE OF THE BABIES. She’s just parched for some quick attention and also calls her closest hos her “baby father.”
Nicki responded to the rumor that she’s knocked up on Twitter by tweeting 8 crying emojis. Too bad she can’t lick up the tears on those crying emojis since she’s obviously thirsty. TMZ says that Nicki has called Meek her “baby father” before and it’s just a term of endearment she uses with tricks she likes. Nicki is not pregnant and I believe it. If she really was, Meek wouldn’t be performing in her show. He’d be too busy turning himself into an actual windmill by doing a hundred cartwheels down the street to celebrate the blank check brewing in Nicki’s womb.
TMZ’s source says that Nicki even calls Lil Wayne her “baby father.” It doesn’t mean anything. Okay, but Nicki shouldn’t joke like that. Unlike Meek, I bet Lil Wayne really is her baby father. When most people hug Lil Wayne, they suddenly feel a rumbling down below and they think the Chipolte they had for dinner is about to reappear in a big way out of their asshole. But after they sit on the toilet and push, they give birth to a baby that was conceived when they hugged Lil Wayne. Dude is THAT fertile and he’s probably everybody’s baby father.
Those shameless bitches just couldn’t let Jennifer Aniston have one day. ONE DAY! They had to try to upstage her by releasing the trailer for their 70s perfume commercial of a high art movie. Surprisingly, there’s not a scene in the trailer where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt (she’s going by that now) dance around a pile of burning Aveeno and Smart Water bottles. But you know, I doubt Jennifer Aniston cares. She’s too busy picking dried cum balls out of her hair since Uncle Terry probably jizzed all over her and Justin Theroux instead of throwing rice at them.
Here’s the trailer for By The Sea, which St. Angie Jolie-Pitt directed, wrote and of course, stars in with Brad Pitt. /Film says that By The Sea takes place in the mid-70s and St. Angie plays a former dancer named Vanessa who goes to a seaside resort town in France with her American writer husband Roland (B. Pitt) as their marriage bites the dust. It’s like Mr. and Mrs. Smith get moody in a commercial for Dolce & Gabbana’s newest fragrance “Mascara Tears.” Get swept away by the pretentiousness and DRAMA:
It looks like their W Magazine photo shoot characters went to Europe where they smoked cigarettes, stared at things, took baths, got the sads and cried. This is their Eyes Wide Shut and we all know how that worked out for Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. No, I’m sure it won’t end with them breaking up for real. It’ll end with them drowning in a million OSCUHS!
Many of us figured that it was only a matter of time before Ben Affleck would be papped hugging a young blonde bitch, but I don’t think this is what we envisioned in the thought bubble above of our head. Ben flew into Atlanta, where his future ex-wife Jennifer Garner is shooting a movie, on a private jet yesterday and when he got off of the plane, he was holding an adorable puppy friend. No, Ben didn’t just use the golden fur ball for a quick photo-op before handing the pooch over to his assistant after the paps left. A source who is totally not Ben’s publicist tells Bennifer 2.0 fanfiction site People that the dog is a post break-up gift for their three kids.
“It’s their new puppy. It’s a family dog. It’s another sign they are working together to raise kids and be in a kind relationship.”
Another source tells UsWeekly that Ben and Jen got the Golden Retriever puppy at a shelter in Pacific Palisades, CA. Since Ben Affleck has a heart made of ice, he looked at the litter of angelic puppy faces at the shelter and said, “Nope,” and was also an ass to a female volunteer. But he finally dribbled out a, “Yeah, whatever,” and they adopted a puppy for their kids. That’s just like a movie. Grouchy bitch doesn’t want dog. Grouchy bitch relents and gets dog. Grouchy bitch hates dog. Grouchy bitch slowly begins to open his heart for dog. Grouchy bitch eventually learns about unconditional love and patience from dog. Grouchy bitch and dog become best friends and go on a road trip in the sequel. Naw, this is Ben we’re talking about. He’ll hate that puppy forever and I’m sure he insults the dog by calling it “Gigli” when no one is around.
And in these pictures, Ben looks like he just peeled himself off of the sidewalk under a park bench where he passed out after he was kicked out of a low-rent casino for getting into a drunken brawl with another pokah player. Dude looks a mess. But really, who cares about that. There’s a puppy in all these pictures. Look at the puppy instead! (Damn, Ben’s PR Team is really good.)
The Hello Kitty Unicorn Butterfly Princess sang out “Vision of Love” and her Nick Cannon-dissing single “Infinity” at the Billboard Music Awards last night and after she took everyone to Costco by screaming out a high-note that sounded like a forklift, her longtime nemesis JLo clapped politely and made a face that said, “My hex is working.” (Meanwhile, Kylie Jenner was wondering where in the hell her obese gummy worm lips went. They look so regular-sized in that GIF.)
TMZ also has video of JLo scrolling through Instagram during part of Mimi’s performance. TMZ calls it “shade,” but I don’t think it’s shade. JLo was just doing a little business, that’s all. She was checking to see if her latest appliqués and pantyhose dress got enough attention. If it didn’t, she was planning to take it off backstage and come out wearing sequined nipple tassels and an elegant clit sock.