Nearly three seconds after a doomsday cloud fucked us all in the ass when we found out that Donald Trump won the United States presidency, there was a rumor that he was going to offer his first wife, Czech-American gold digging icon Ivana Trump, the U.S. ambassadorship to the Czech Republic. It was later reported that Ivana turned down the gig, and she’s now telling CBS News the reason why. Ivana just didn’t want to give up her lap of luxury lifestyle, dahling!
Mimi fluttered into Tel Aviv earlier this week to promote her partnership with skincare line, Premier Dead Sea Cosmetics, and so she was there to talk about herself, beauty, herself, the Dead Sea, herself, premierness, herself, cosmetics, herself and singing. She was not there to talk about her Australian billionaire ex’s possible involvement in a corruption scandal! Like Jennifer Lopez’s name, question marks twirl out of Mimi’s butterfly ears when someone brings up politics to her.
When the piss-haired egomaniac met the piss-haired egomaniac at Trump Tower in December, many of us guessed that Donald Trump was either going to offer Kanye West a cabinet position (Secretary of the Interior, because Kanye is into interior design and shit) or ask him to perform at the inauguration. Neither happened. I figured that Kanye wasn’t ask to perform at Trump’s inauguration, because he’s just not a big enough star to join the A-list extravaganza that includes an America’s Got Talent runner-up, Tony Orlando and 3 Doors Down. But it turns out that Kanye wasn’t asked to perform because he just doesn’t fit the “traditionally American” vibe that organizers are going for.
It’s been over two years since Solange won the lightweight championship for her elevator beatdown on Jay Z. Most of us forgot about it (not really), but that shady Tina Lawson brought it all back when she posted a picture on Instagram of her daughter Basement Baby Leonard, BB’s 12-year-old son Daniel Julez Smith and Jay Z in the same elevator together. The picture was most likely taken backstage at Saturday Night Live. Mama Tina just couldn’t let Basement Baby have her lone time in the spotlight and outshine that other one for once!
Mama Tina hit the delete button on that pic and Yahoo! thinks she got rid of it because she realized she was bringing the messy family drama back. But please, Mama Tina knew that everyone had already screen shot it and so her mission was complete. With that said, I am slow clapping for Mama Tina’s shifty ways.
Julez looks a little scared in the face and who can blame him? The last place in the world you ever want to be is between Basement Baby and Jay Z in an elevator. Jay Z is laughing because the kid is between them, but if Julez moved away, his “haha” face would immediately turn into an “oh shit” face.
And here’s Solange dressed like the Tin Man going to a business meeting at last night’s CFDA Vogue Fashion Fund Awards in NYC.
“Oh goshdarnit, Ah think ah just gambled ayn loss into mah freakum toga…”
Engineers specialized in auto-tune theatrics and graphic designers are rejoicing, because the Empress of Auto-Tune and the Princess of Photoshop (sorry, the queen crown belongs to Mariah Carey) is coming back with a new album. Last night, Katy Perry squirted out the song that’s been brewing inside of her (and the other 4 writers too, I’m sure) for years. Katy released “Rise,” a dramatic anthem that will heal the world and cure Zika, or something.
Katy Perry wasn’t the only one to push out a song that will fill her vault with even more gold bars (while inspiring the world, of course). Brit Brit (giving you “nervous Burning Man go-go dancer” above) released “Make Me,” the first song off of her 9th album. “Make Me” is Brit Brit’s first since song that eardrum-murdering abomination “Pretty Girls” and it’s a zillion times better. Although, the sound of a hippo with diarrhea shitting onto a hyena trapped in a turned-on garbage disposal would probably sound better than “Pretty Girls.”
The song also features some rapper named G-Eazy, and if you haven’t put it in your ears yet, here you go.
Many say that “Make Me” is about Brit Brit getting some dick. But to me, it sounds like she’s at home alone, watching TV and when a commercial for Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos comes on, she can’t fight the urge to make sweet mouth love to that deliciousness anymore and jumps in her car to get some. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:
Friday, I’m dreaming a mile a minute ’bout somebody
This feeling, I wanna go with it, cause there’s no way
We’re hiding away from this tonight, oh, this tonight
Can tell you want me
By the way I see you starin’ ‘cross the room, babe
No shame in the game
Just cut the shit, be honest
Yeah, you know what you gotta do tonight, do tonight
Yup, totally a sexy ode to Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos.
When we last heard from Pimp Mama Kris’ fourth tier whore, Rob Kardashian, he had been hospitalized with diabetes and was apparently saying “fuck it” to diet and exercise. But well, it looks like Rob is now burning some calories and getting some exercise by holding up his FUPA as he wet humps on Blac Chyna from the back.
TMZ says that during the past few days, Rob has been spending a whole lot of time with the baby mother of his sister’s gross boyfriend. Blac Chyna used to live next to Pimp Mama Kris’ lair, but she and Rob never sucked on each other’s genitals back then. They only started fucking recently and if you’re wondering what brought these two together, just look at Twitter’s top trending topics to get your answer. (SPOILER ALERT: Blac Chyna is trending on Twatter.) Blac Chyna wanted everyone to know that Future is her past and Rob is now licking Splenda-sweetened lube off of her camel toe, so she queefed up this picture on Instagram this morning:
TMZ conducted an extremely thorough tattoo investigation and matched that tattoo with the tattoo on Rob’s arm.
Since that picture of Blac Chyna cuddling up to her rival’s brother went up on Instagram, Kylie Jenner tagged Rob’s name in a picture of a devil and Khloe Kartrashian tweeted about how you don’t go against the family. Khlozilla later klaimed she wasn’t talking about Rob but was talking about some other family member who pulled out of her shit puddle of a talk show at the last minute. So basically, Rob has moved from the bottom of the fame whore chain to somewhere in the middle since he’s given PMK a storyline she can milk dry. “Sources” have already told E! that the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is a succubus skank who is using a vulnerable Rob to get back at Kylie.
Oh please, Blac Chyna and Rob Kartrashian’s union is obviously built on true love and true love only. These dirt star-crossed lovers are the Romeo & Juliet of our time. Although, I’m sure this will end with the Kartrashians unfollowing Rob on Twitter and that’s like much, much more tragic than a double suicide.
And here’s old pictures of the one-time sock mogul’s arm tattoos: