Although that dress, hair, and makeup look like they’re doing they’re fair share of trolling too: “You may think I’m a 29-year-old, but I’m really a perpetually-drunk, middle-aged 5-time divorcée with an addiction to valium and diet pills, who spends her days shouting at her housekeeper, throwing martinis on old portraits of herself, and dramatically weeping into the arm of her most expensive-looking divan.”
Hot on the heels of her recent OMG Don’t look at me or this giant suspicious-looking ring stunt, Katy Perry showed up to the 2014 Elle Style Awards last night wearing the very same engagementy-looking ring (that’s what you ask for at Jared) on THAT FINGER. And, like a true stuntin’-ass Stunt Queen, she played it off like it’s NBD and that lots of people all of a sudden start wearing special vintage engagementy-looking rings on their wedding finger. Uh huh. No one is buying what you’re selling, trick, so pack up your stall at the swap meet and get gone.
But her super clever stunt is getting attention, so get used to Katy pimping out that non-engagement ring at every chance she gets. And when we get bored of the ring (and we will) expect to see some not-at-all staged pics of her trying on wedding dresses. “OMG just because I’m trying on a princess-style white organza gown with a Swarovski-crystal veil at a store called Beautiful Brides does NOT mean I’m engaged!”
Here’s more of Katy Perry and NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING SO STOP ASKING at the Elle Style Awards, along with Jessie J (looking like the most alagant of Croatian prostitutes), a skinnay Lily Allen, Miss Kylie, Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in grime Cara Delevingne, Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend (typing that felt really weird), Hermione Granger, and Rita Ora wearing a wedding dress that Katy Perry will no doubt ask to borrow sometime in the next 4-6 weeks:
That coffee table is really ugly. Now that we’ve gotten the important shit out of the way….
THE MOST HATED WOMAN ON THE INTERNET Evil Menses is on Ellen today and I guess Ellen DeGeneres didn’t want to come out and ask her if she’s still making the Goslingers rabidly foam at the mouth with rage by wrapping her life-ruining snatch over Ryan Gosling’s peen. Ellen DeGeneres played it subtle and instead asked Eva if she has any plans for Valentimes. Eva pretty much threw a bitch wink at the shippers who refuse to believe that Ryan Golsing and Rachel McAdams ever broke up.
Evil: I’m not a big Valentine’s Day person. I’ll probably just order a deep dish and watch The Notebook or something.
Ellen: Just cry.
Evil: Just cry.
I see you, bitch, I see you and I’m slowly applauding. What Eva meant by that is that her haters will be eating their pepperoni and cheese-covered feelings while watching the cat parody of The Notebook with their cat children while she deep throats their Canadian God. Cry, bitches, cry. Your tears are her lube.
Ellen also asked Eva about the rumor that she’s got a GosFetus growing in her womb. You know, that rumor that her publicist probably planted themselves in the garden of the tabloids. Eva says she’s not knocked up.
This all started, it’s so ridiciulous. It all started, because I didn’t want to go through the scanners at the airport. You know those x-ray scanners, which are really creepy. They basically see you naked, right? And not only that, but there’s a radiation aspect to it, so I always opt-out. I always ask for a personal pat down.
…I never go through the scanners. They thought that was good enough reason to say, “Hey….”
Eva’s reason for not wanting to go through the scanner is the reason why I do go through the scanner. It’s the only time when somebody sees me naked and doesn’t immediately put on their coat, grab their bag and head toward the nearest exit. Although, the TSA agents still do that when I come through the scanner. Besides, like Eva is really going to let someone who didn’t pay her day rate of $50,000 (I’m estimating) see her naked. It’s not like you can (NSFW) Google it or anything.
The young witches of Miss Robichaux’s Academy better watch their asses, because the current reigning Supreme’s powers and beauty are quickly dying and she’s going to kill them all and reclaim the throne! This is everyone’s cue to run to the nearest church to grab a priest or give yourself a holy water enema, because I think some dark-sided shit butt fucked its way into our souls when we all looked at that picture. Everything’s UNGODLY!
While wearing her tricked out denturez (“Fixodent and forget it, yo!” – Madonna), Madge showed up to the Grammys tonight looking like a cross between one of Diane Keaton’s warts and a terrifying and more horrific version of the Preacher from Poltergeist. I was trolling through Twitter when Madge was on E! and I think the record for the most times “THIS BITCH” has been tweeted simultaneously was broken. Just a little over a week after, Madge tried to keep up with the kidz by hashtagging the n-word, she showed up to the Grammys with her son David. Subtle bitch is subtle. See, that blatant bitch isn’t racist at all. She brought her black son and he even let her dress him up in a matching outfit! I know David said on the red carpet that he picked out those outfits, but you totally know she did and he went along with it, because would you really fuck with a witch who can make your soul curl up just by making a face (see: above soul-killing face)?
And when Madge and David popped up on my TV, it took me a second to realize that was her son and not her new boyfriend.
Patti Malette, the woman who so generously donated Justin Bieber’s punk ass to the world did a Twitter Q&A Sunday last night according to EOnline. I was hoping somebody would troll her ass hard when someone asked what she would say if she could go back and give advice to her teenaged self but nobody stepped up to the plate to say “quadruple my birth control”. THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
Patti said she is very proud of Justin and that his first word was “money” (can you go to hell for thinking a baby is a douchebag because I’ll see your asses there if the answer is yes) and that she doesn’t like his tattoos or the “I made doody” face littering his Instagram (she didn’t really say that but we’re all thinking it), among other things.
When one Twitter user asked Mallette if she’s excited at the prospect of having grandchildren, she replied, “Ahhh omg could u imagine me a Grandma already!? Hopefully that’s a long way in the future!“
From your mouth to God’s ears. I still can’t wrap my head around Justin wetting his dick whistle and when I really want to hate myself, I picture his encounter with the Brazilian hooker and imagine it was all confusion and rearranging of limbs and a lot of apologies, kind of like when I go to step over my dog and she stands up when I only have one leg over.
Mallette added that it was “very hard” raising Bieber as a single mom in Canada. “But I reached out for help, prayed a lot, read parenting books & did my very best to be the best mom I could be.“
Well, Patti, I hate to break it to you, but you either needed to go-go-Gadget the fuck out of your arms, pray harder or read more parenting books because your son is a prick. News.com from Australia says Justin reported called a fan a “beached whale” at Perth’s Hyatt Regency hotel and said she should go on the Biggest Loser. Patti needs to come get her son (if she hasn’t already called slick bitch no takesie backsies) and give retroactive parenting a shot. It’s never too late to get a second chance to fix the fuck up you raised. I’ll even donate the wooden spoon for the secondary ass whooping if Michael K.’s abuelita supplies the chancla!
Tip: If you didn’t know this already, the only way to read the word DESTROOOOOY is to read it in Alexis Carrington’s voice. The word didn’t really come alive until it jumped off of her tongue.
Nigella Lawson took the stand today in the fraud trial against her two former assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, who are accused of using her ex-husband’s credit cards to buy all kinds of luxurious crap. Last week the Grillos’ lawyers claimed Nigella let them use Charles Saatchi’s credit cards if they promised to not tell him that she snorts coke and smokes the good shit on the regular. Charles’ gross ass said that even though he never saw a coke line go into Nigella’s nostril, he believes the sisters, because DUH. According to The Mirror, Nigella admitted on the stand today that she smokes a joint every now and again and has done coke a handful of times, once while she was stilled married to Mr. Sackofshitti. Nigella said she did coke with her late husband six times, because he was terminally ill and a friend said it might numb the pain.
Nigella hid her smoking of the good shit from Charles and never talked to him about it. Nigella told the court that she’s not a drug addict and she’s not a cokehead. She put on her Captain Obvious hat when she said that the rumors that she’s a Lohan-level cokey obviously came from Charles and the Grillos.
“These allegations appeared in a PR blog that had been dedicated to salvaging Mr Saatchi’s reputation and savaging mine. I felt that this would not become a fraud case, I would be put on trial, and actually that is what has happened.”
Nigella brought up the pictures of Charles choking her out at Scott’s restaurant in London over the summer. Nigella told the court that Charles told everyone that he was just trying to get coke out of her nose. I didn’t know White Oprah was Charles’ damage control counselor! As everyone in the court room choked on the laughs coming up their throats over Charles trying to say that he was just performing the Cokelich Maneuver on Nigella, she went on to explain what really happened:
“But what actually happened was that somebody walked by with a very cute baby in a stroller and I said ‘I am so looking forward to having grandchildren’, and he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘I am the only person you should be concerned with. I am the only person who should be giving you pleasure’. That is what happened.”
The hell? That sounds exactly like a cut scene from Sleeping with the Enemy. Nigella should’ve immediately called up Julia Roberts for tips on how to fake her damn death.
Nigella also testified that after the pictures of Charles trying to choke the coke out of her face came out, he threatened to destroy her and dance on the ashes of her reputation if she didn’t stand by him:
“He said to me that if I didn’t go to him and clear his name, he would destroy me, and also started spreading false allegations of drug use and in particular the awful incident in Scott’s.”
The best part of Nigella’s entire testimony was this part:
He (one of the sisters’ lawyer) said:”When you unfortunately separated from Mr Saatchi…”
Nigella interjected: “I wouldn’t say ‘unfortunately’.”
That made me snort coke out of my nose! The next time I need to get coke out of my nose, I don’t have to ask Charles Saatchi to choke it out of me. I just have to read that line of shade again.
The whoring of the one who showed her nipples on Instagram is right on schedule!
Since Kim Kardashian’s expiration date as Pimp Mama Kris’ highest-earning prized pig is coming up, PMK is working overtime to groom KendallKylieKukaWhatever Jenner and get her ready to take over as the family’s new headlining ho. 18-year-old Kendall went to dinner in West Hollywood with one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers, 19-year-old Harry Styles, last night. The sound of PMK squirting over all the attention these pics are getting is drowning out the sound of all the Directioners bawling while punching their eyeballs out in their playpens. But you know, Kendall has a long way to go before she completely transforms into Kim Kartrashian 2.0.
The Daily Mail has a few pictures of Kendall’s face, but in the pictures from the photo agency I get shit from, she has her head down and is covering her mug. She could be that demon girl from The Grudge (no disrespect to that demon girl from The Grudge) or Steven Tyler for all we know. I wouldn’t know she was one of those Jenner things if the photo agency didn’t tell me. Once PMK finishes celebrating these staged photos by cackling while dancing on the bones her sacrifices, she’s going to punish this girl.
The second a Kardashian or a Jenner or a whatever (see: Khloe) is pulled out of PMK’s body, the first thing she asks the doctor is, “Who cares about that healthy stuff, did it find the light with its face and smile at the camera?” The first rule of being a Kartrashian is: always make sure the goddamn camera gets your face. Hiding your face from the camera is a serious Kardashi-sin. It’s as sinful as the time that I was playing with the remote in my abuelita’s room and accidentally hit the off button while she was watching her novelas. The Jesus hanging on a crucifix above the TV pulled his hands off of the cross so that he could cover his eyes. He knew something serious was about to go down.
So I’m sure that sometime today, PMK is going to drag Kendall down to the plastic surgery clinic in their basement and get a rod permanently installed below her chin so she can never drop her head again. That’ll teach that trick!
Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.
Taking a tip from Lindsay Lohan’s “How To Stay Out of Jail When ‘I’m A Motherfucking Celebrity’ Might Not Work” handbook, Chris Brown hopped on the Damage Control Express and headed straight for rehab just two days after he was arrested in DC for straight-up fisting a dude in the face. Even though the judge reduced Chris Brown’s felony charge to a misdemeanor, he could get thrown in a cell for violating probation. So he took his ass to jail. Some source (aka a low-level member of Team Breezy) told E! yesterday that The Difficult Brown’s got issues with weed and alcohol. Uh huh. Chris’ meth-scratched face (copyright: Erin from Rock of Love, fuck I miss Rock of Love) tells me that he’s putting something stronger than weed in his favorite smoking pipe. Chris’ lawyer shat out this statement to E!:
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
TMZ says that The Difficult Brown’s lawyer dropped him off at a rehab facility in Malibu (aka a luxury spa that sometimes plays re-runs of Intervention in the screening room) and he’s there to deal with his anger management issues. A source said (a source did not say this) that he’s officially seeking treatment for being a flaming pile of rotten dicks in a bag made of burnt ballsack skin.
Because of the timing, it’s kind of obvious that The Difficult Brown is trying to look good for the judge and after few days of spa treatments and facials, his punchin’ fist will be back out on the stroll. If Mom Breezy and his lawyer really want to rebuke the asshole from him, they should drop him off at somebody’s abuelita’s house. I have always said that an abuelita should open an anger management center, because sometimes the silent and subtle fury of an old lady with a ring on every finger will set a bitch right.
“What do you mean I look knocked up?!” asked a coy Jennifer Aniston while framing her fetus dome zone with her hands and wearing a dress that makes it look like she’s got a bump and a FUPA.
The Toronto International Film Festival ended last night with the premiere of Life of Crime starring Jennifer Aniston, Mos Def, Tim Robbins, John Hawkes and a bunch of other people. Since Jennifer Aniston will never pass up an opportunity to give the tabloids a picture for their next “BITCH IS KNOCKED UP WITH QUINTUPLETS” cover, she wore a wonky dress with a built-in baby bump sling. That dress is obviously a shameless STUNT QUEEN prop and it’s uglier than those diarrhea shoes, but I still like it and only because that sling part is a perfect place to keep a bottle of vodka. Any type of dress that has a vodka bottle hammock on it is my kind of dress.
Moving on from that dress, it looks like she had 2-day-old makeup on and instead of taking it off, she just put on more makeup, and that hair is a wreck. She looks like a drunk bridesmaid who passed out in the bushes after getting it on with one of the waiters in the men’s bathroom. In other words, I love it!
Well, one way to get people talking about your ass on Twitter is to go on TV and look like you’re sitting on a toilet and trying to figure out how shitting works while your body has been paralyzed from eating 5 pot brownies. Eminem was on ESPN’s Michigan-Notre Dame halftime show yesterday to promote the video for his single “Berzerk” and he trolled those hos by acting like John Travolta in a field of vaginas. Don’t make ANY sudden moves or the vaginas may jump at you.
It must be the year 2000 again since Eminem’s got that Slim Shady hair and is giving awkward interviews, so I’m going to go watch a brand new episode of Cleopatra 2525 while drinking Pepsi Twist.