Tip: If you didn’t know this already, the only way to read the word DESTROOOOOY is to read it in Alexis Carrington’s voice. The word didn’t really come alive until it jumped off of her tongue.
Nigella Lawson took the stand today in the fraud trial against her two former assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, who are accused of using her ex-husband’s credit cards to buy all kinds of luxurious crap. Last week the Grillos’ lawyers claimed Nigella let them use Charles Saatchi’s credit cards if they promised to not tell him that she snorts coke and smokes the good shit on the regular. Charles’ gross ass said that even though he never saw a coke line go into Nigella’s nostril, he believes the sisters, because DUH. According to The Mirror, Nigella admitted on the stand today that she smokes a joint every now and again and has done coke a handful of times, once while she was stilled married to Mr. Sackofshitti. Nigella said she did coke with her late husband six times, because he was terminally ill and a friend said it might numb the pain.
Nigella hid her smoking of the good shit from Charles and never talked to him about it. Nigella told the court that she’s not a drug addict and she’s not a cokehead. She put on her Captain Obvious hat when she said that the rumors that she’s a Lohan-level cokey obviously came from Charles and the Grillos.
“These allegations appeared in a PR blog that had been dedicated to salvaging Mr Saatchi’s reputation and savaging mine. I felt that this would not become a fraud case, I would be put on trial, and actually that is what has happened.”
Nigella brought up the pictures of Charles choking her out at Scott’s restaurant in London over the summer. Nigella told the court that Charles told everyone that he was just trying to get coke out of her nose. I didn’t know White Oprah was Charles’ damage control counselor! As everyone in the court room choked on the laughs coming up their throats over Charles trying to say that he was just performing the Cokelich Maneuver on Nigella, she went on to explain what really happened:
“But what actually happened was that somebody walked by with a very cute baby in a stroller and I said ‘I am so looking forward to having grandchildren’, and he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘I am the only person you should be concerned with. I am the only person who should be giving you pleasure’. That is what happened.”
The hell? That sounds exactly like a cut scene from Sleeping with the Enemy. Nigella should’ve immediately called up Julia Roberts for tips on how to fake her damn death.
Nigella also testified that after the pictures of Charles trying to choke the coke out of her face came out, he threatened to destroy her and dance on the ashes of her reputation if she didn’t stand by him:
“He said to me that if I didn’t go to him and clear his name, he would destroy me, and also started spreading false allegations of drug use and in particular the awful incident in Scott’s.”
The best part of Nigella’s entire testimony was this part:
He (one of the sisters’ lawyer) said:”When you unfortunately separated from Mr Saatchi…”
Nigella interjected: “I wouldn’t say ‘unfortunately’.”
That made me snort coke out of my nose! The next time I need to get coke out of my nose, I don’t have to ask Charles Saatchi to choke it out of me. I just have to read that line of shade again.
The whoring of the one who showed her nipples on Instagram is right on schedule!
Since Kim Kardashian’s expiration date as Pimp Mama Kris’ highest-earning prized pig is coming up, PMK is working overtime to groom KendallKylieKukaWhatever Jenner and get her ready to take over as the family’s new headlining ho. 18-year-old Kendall went to dinner in West Hollywood with one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers, 19-year-old Harry Styles, last night. The sound of PMK squirting over all the attention these pics are getting is drowning out the sound of all the Directioners bawling while punching their eyeballs out in their playpens. But you know, Kendall has a long way to go before she completely transforms into Kim Kartrashian 2.0.
The Daily Mail has a few pictures of Kendall’s face, but in the pictures from the photo agency I get shit from, she has her head down and is covering her mug. She could be that demon girl from The Grudge (no disrespect to that demon girl from The Grudge) or Steven Tyler for all we know. I wouldn’t know she was one of those Jenner things if the photo agency didn’t tell me. Once PMK finishes celebrating these staged photos by cackling while dancing on the bones her sacrifices, she’s going to punish this girl.
The second a Kardashian or a Jenner or a whatever (see: Khloe) is pulled out of PMK’s body, the first thing she asks the doctor is, “Who cares about that healthy stuff, did it find the light with its face and smile at the camera?” The first rule of being a Kartrashian is: always make sure the goddamn camera gets your face. Hiding your face from the camera is a serious Kardashi-sin. It’s as sinful as the time that I was playing with the remote in my abuelita’s room and accidentally hit the off button while she was watching her novelas. The Jesus hanging on a crucifix above the TV pulled his hands off of the cross so that he could cover his eyes. He knew something serious was about to go down.
So I’m sure that sometime today, PMK is going to drag Kendall down to the plastic surgery clinic in their basement and get a rod permanently installed below her chin so she can never drop her head again. That’ll teach that trick!
Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.
Taking a tip from Lindsay Lohan’s “How To Stay Out of Jail When ‘I’m A Motherfucking Celebrity’ Might Not Work” handbook, Chris Brown hopped on the Damage Control Express and headed straight for rehab just two days after he was arrested in DC for straight-up fisting a dude in the face. Even though the judge reduced Chris Brown’s felony charge to a misdemeanor, he could get thrown in a cell for violating probation. So he took his ass to jail. Some source (aka a low-level member of Team Breezy) told E! yesterday that The Difficult Brown’s got issues with weed and alcohol. Uh huh. Chris’ meth-scratched face (copyright: Erin from Rock of Love, fuck I miss Rock of Love) tells me that he’s putting something stronger than weed in his favorite smoking pipe. Chris’ lawyer shat out this statement to E!:
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
TMZ says that The Difficult Brown’s lawyer dropped him off at a rehab facility in Malibu (aka a luxury spa that sometimes plays re-runs of Intervention in the screening room) and he’s there to deal with his anger management issues. A source said (a source did not say this) that he’s officially seeking treatment for being a flaming pile of rotten dicks in a bag made of burnt ballsack skin.
Because of the timing, it’s kind of obvious that The Difficult Brown is trying to look good for the judge and after few days of spa treatments and facials, his punchin’ fist will be back out on the stroll. If Mom Breezy and his lawyer really want to rebuke the asshole from him, they should drop him off at somebody’s abuelita’s house. I have always said that an abuelita should open an anger management center, because sometimes the silent and subtle fury of an old lady with a ring on every finger will set a bitch right.
“What do you mean I look knocked up?!” asked a coy Jennifer Aniston while framing her fetus dome zone with her hands and wearing a dress that makes it look like she’s got a bump and a FUPA.
The Toronto International Film Festival ended last night with the premiere of Life of Crime starring Jennifer Aniston, Mos Def, Tim Robbins, John Hawkes and a bunch of other people. Since Jennifer Aniston will never pass up an opportunity to give the tabloids a picture for their next “BITCH IS KNOCKED UP WITH QUINTUPLETS” cover, she wore a wonky dress with a built-in baby bump sling. That dress is obviously a shameless STUNT QUEEN prop and it’s uglier than those diarrhea shoes, but I still like it and only because that sling part is a perfect place to keep a bottle of vodka. Any type of dress that has a vodka bottle hammock on it is my kind of dress.
Moving on from that dress, it looks like she had 2-day-old makeup on and instead of taking it off, she just put on more makeup, and that hair is a wreck. She looks like a drunk bridesmaid who passed out in the bushes after getting it on with one of the waiters in the men’s bathroom. In other words, I love it!
Well, one way to get people talking about your ass on Twitter is to go on TV and look like you’re sitting on a toilet and trying to figure out how shitting works while your body has been paralyzed from eating 5 pot brownies. Eminem was on ESPN’s Michigan-Notre Dame halftime show yesterday to promote the video for his single “Berzerk” and he trolled those hos by acting like John Travolta in a field of vaginas. Don’t make ANY sudden moves or the vaginas may jump at you.
It must be the year 2000 again since Eminem’s got that Slim Shady hair and is giving awkward interviews, so I’m going to go watch a brand new episode of Cleopatra 2525 while drinking Pepsi Twist.
Here’s 38-year-old Bradley Cooper lying his head on the lap of his 21-looking-like-a-13-year-old girlfriend Suki Waterhouse while reading “Lolita” in a park in Paris. TOO EASY. B. Coop once said that he’d never mess around with Jennifer Lawrence, because his 15-year-old self could’ve made her and now here he is reading “Lolita” with a girl who looks like she’d get carded while trying to get into a PG-13 movie. The trolling is thick here. Well, I guess you really have to bring out heavy doses of foolery to sell a staged photo-op nowadays.
If you ever see Victor Garber shaking his head while his hand over his face, just assume that he’s thinking of these pictures.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
It’s been way too long since Jennifer Aniston has delivered a good old-fashioned staged bikini photo-op in Mexico (sponsored by SmartWater), so she gave us one yesterday. Although, those pictures are so damn blurry that it could be Brad Pitt kissing on Joan Jett for all we know.
To celebrate the fact that We’re The Millers didn’t flop, Jennifer, her piece Justin Theroux, Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka all went down to Los Cabos. Jennifer is killing two birds with this shit. She started the latest pregnancy rumors by bumping it at her premiere a few weeks ago and now she’s killing those rumors by struttin’ around in a two piece. And she’s struttin’ around in a two piece while carrying a bottle of SmartWater. My favorite picture is the one above. Romance IS Jennifer Aniston whispering sweet nothings to Justin Theroux and by “sweet nothings” I mean: “Stop bitching about how my razor-sharp nipples are cutting into your chest and lean in closer. That SmartWater bottle needs to get in the shot, because I need that bonus! Your black skinny jeans aren’t cheap, whore!”
Since Katy Perry’s cover of Sara Bareilles’ “Brave“ leaked out of pop music’s asshole a day early and is already #1 on iTunes, Lady CaCa pulled another one of her STUNT QUEEN moves by dramatically farting on Twitter about how the hackers are “leaking” pieces of her new single “Applause” and have forced her to release it a week early. Like CaCa was really going to let Katy Perry sit under the spotlight for more than two seconds. So CaCa is trying to press mute on Katy Perry’s “Roar” with this Euro gay club shit and yes, every time someone hits the play button on this, a gay dude covered in body glitter rips his tank top off and shakes his ass to this underneath a strobe light.
I’ve only listened to this mess once, but it sort of sounds like a constipated David Byrne doing spoken word while somebody plays Madge’s “Girls Gone Wild” backwards.
And here’s CaCa keeping it demure and understated in the catsuit version of Rose McGowan’s VMA dress while walking into the Chateau Marmont with her piece Taylor Kinney last night. Bitch’s irritated nalgas look like they’ve been through some serious shit and they’re over it. Either she’s torturing them by wearing thongs non-stop or she was just the pass-around power bottom in a butt sex orgy.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Seen above carrying a purse made of Kim Kartrashian’s coochie warts in NYC today, Pimp Mama Kris is out there pimping her talk show Kris and is shamelessly using her newborn granddaughter to get viewers. Would you expect anything less from this wreck? On Today (via UsWeekly) this morning, Matt Lauer asked Pimp Grandma Kris if North West’s face is going to make an appearance on her talk show and she pulled some “You’ll just have to tune in and see!” shit.
Kim and Kanye West supposedly wet farted on a $3 million offer from an Australian magazine for the first pictures of North West, because they want everybody to think that they’re all private now even though we all know their delusional asses are just holding out for Brangelina money. There’s a rumor that PMK is trying to convince Kim and Kanye to debut North West’s face on her talk show so it won’t flop harder than The Lone Ranger, but she wouldn’t confirm or deny it to Matt this morning:
“I think you’re just going to have to wait and see and tune in, because I’m not sure exactly what’s going happen. I won’t tell you it won’t happen. (I’ll) give you a little something to think about. You never know who’s going to show up.”
I’m probably going to watch Pimp Mama Kris’ Not-So-Fun Hour Of Whoring, because I hate myself, but I don’t think the promise of seeing North West for the first time is enough to get people to watch that crap. I mean if you want to see North West the way Kim and PMK see North West, just go to Google Images, type “big bag of money” and there you go. If PMK really wants her show to be the most-watched show in the history of shows, she should announce that her first guests will be a pack of rabid wild dogs, a huge swarm of killer bees and the tiger that mauled Roy Horn. That’s how you get people to watch, PMK!