Usually when I pop into my local Couche-Tard to pick up Monsters (or when I want to keep it truly sleazy, Rockstars), the last thing I want is a pair of judgmental eyes staring at me from behind a bunch of dusty bags of Doritos. So I feel Vine user Rashid Polo, who can’t seem to walk through the damn Quick Stop without being followed by a bunch of nosy tricks trying to catch him lifting Butterfingers and Slim Jims. Rashid began filming himself as he gets trailed through the store, and it’s not hard to catch the ladies trailing him, since they’re about as inconspicuous as the giant cowboy hat Homer wore to spy on Apu.
But my favorite has to be the sneaky lady with the side ponytail who’s trying to spy on Rashid by pretending to tidy the store. Except that what she thinks is pretending to tidy is really just flipping price tags and touching random shit. It actually looks a lot like me when I used to work at Canadian Tire. “I’d love to help you sweep the warehouse, but I’m sort of busy touching bottles of dish soap right now, so…”
I love the way she nervously scoots away as if he caught HER shoplifting. “Damn, did I put some Nerds in my pocket by mistake?!?”
ICYMI: Joan Rivers Pulls An “I Quit This Bitch” During A CNN Interview When She’s Asked About Wearing Fur
Joan Rivers has been in the game since before the beginning of time and she probably taught Jesus how to work a stunt for maximum publicity (yeah, that whole “cross” thing was Joan’s idea). So yesterday, while whoring out her new book Diary of a Mad Diva during an interview with CNN’s Fredricka Whitfield (no relation to Sheree, I think), Joan pulled a stunt to sell her book. Joan’s latest face nearly melted off of her skull and slipped down her body onto the floor when Fredricka asked her question she claims she didn’t like. Fredricka set her facial expression generator to “condescending as fuck” when she poked at Joan for being mean to rich, famous whores and questioned her about wearing fur on the cover of her book. Joan played with Fredricka for a little while and answered the questions until the fur question came up. Joan spit out an ultra dramatic, Helen Lawson-like “I’VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR 50 YEARS!” speech before pulling off her earpiece and dramatically exiting stage left.
“You know this whole interview is becoming a defense interview. Are you wearing leather shoes? Shut up. You know what I mean? I don’t want to hear it. ‘You’re wearing fur.’ You’re eating chicken. You’re eating meat. I don’t want to hear this nonsense. Come to me with a paper belt and I’ll talk to you. You know, I’m going. I really am going, because all you’ve done is negative. All you have done is negative. I made people laugh for 50 years! I am put on earth to make people laugh. My book is funny. I wear fur that was killed 15 years ago. I work for animal rights. STOP IT WITH ‘And you do this and your’re mean.’ You are not the one to interview someone who does humor. Sorry!”
Yes, Fredericka kept throwing the kind of patronizing “Sure Jan” smiles that my only friend in the 7th grade threw at me when I introduced her to my “girlfriend,” but that was a tame ass interview overall. Joan’s skin is literally made of Kevlar and that’s one of the strongest kinds of plastic, so I doubt those easy questions really got to her. A STUNT QUEEN stunt is a STUNT QUEEN stunt. But I’m surprised that Joan didn’t end the interview by flipping Fredericka off before saying, “Here’s the missing plane, tranny!”
Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick
Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.
Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!
Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.
No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.
Jeremy Meeks, the sexy California criminal who crashed Meet-an-Inmate.com (I’m assuming) and single-handedly resurrected the lost art of hand-written prison pen-pal correspondence when his mug shot was released to the horny hoes of the internet this week, has decided that once his felonious ass has been sprung from the big house, he’s going to sashay-shante over to his parole officer and inform him he got a full-time job as a professional Zoolander. According to TMZ, several modelling agencies are interested in Jeremy. Blaze Models (which definitely doesn’t sound like a company who advertises in the ‘Casual Encounters’ section of Craigslist) tells TMZ that “gangster models” are so hot right now, and if they booked Jeremy a job with Versace or Armani, he could make up to $30,000 a month.
The only thing stopping Jeremy from serving up that FACE-BODY-FACE outside of a mug shot is the fact that his bail is set at $900,000, and so far his mama has only hustled $5,180 in online donations. People were literally foaming at the no-nos a week ago and bursting into spontaneous orgasms just by imagining dry-humping on Jeremy’s stick-poke teardrop tattoo, but horny bitches are a fickle bunch, and we’ve all lost interest. Probably because all it took was a cold shower to realize that Jeremy Meeks actually looks like a busted Riff Raff.
Jeremy will be modelling Jazzy Scooters by the time he’s released from prison, but that delusional dreamboat has requested that he be allowed to ditch his shackles and trade his prison-issued jumpsuit for some custom-fitted civilian clothing, so he can look like a hot model when he goes to court. Cellblock bitch PLEASE! A real model would turn out that orange jumpsuit like it was some Marc Jacobs Haute Correctional Facility Couture. Werk it hunty! Sell that itchy standard issue polyester!
The premiere of HBO’s The Leftovers (aka The Others from Lost Move To Long Island) happened in NYC last night and Jennifer Aniston figured it was the perfect time to kill all those break-up rumors her publicist probably leaked himself by getting on Justin Theroux like he was a Cabbage Patch doll knocked up with a litter of Beanie Babies. Jennifer Aniston truly gave the tabloids several gifts. She gave them the perfect picture to use for their “Justin Storms Out! Calls Jen ‘Too Clingy!’” cover story and the perfect picture (see above) for their “Jen Doesn’t Want To Ruin Her Bikini Body! Makes Justin Carry Their Unborn Triplets!” cover story.
Bitches are so orange that they look like two Chick-O-Sticks in fancy clothes. Justin did himself up like a sleazy, traveling hipster preacher who seduces dumb, religious housewives so he can do them hard and steal their TV and purses as they sleep it off. And Jennifer’s skin looked as glowing as ever. Fillers, tequila, chemical peels, Baby Alive slobber, tears and $500 dolphin placenta cream works wonders. I mean, Aveeno and Smart Water. Aveeno and Smart Water works wonders!
Here’s a few more pictures of Justin, Jen and his co-stars Liv Tyler and Amy Brenneman at last night’s premiere. Justin’s beaming like, “Finally, you’re all here for ME,” as the photographers screamed, “Over here, Jen! Over here!”
When we all found out that Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas’ marriage threw itself into a grave on top of the remains of her career (I’m wrong for that, because she was in an episode of Hot In Cleveland and working with Betty White is a career HIGH!), some hos wondered what would become of the definition of “bad choices” on her arm. Would she have that heart-shaped Antonio tattoo turned into a meatball with a unicorn riding on top of it (that’s what I would do)? Would she tattoo the words “FUCK YOU,” over Antonio’s name? Would she leave it and visit tattoo shops all over the world and try to talk people out of making the same mistake she did by inking their piece’s name into their flesh? No, Melanie hasn’t done any of that yet. Instead she’s using that busted down Antonio tattoo to get herself some attention, because why not?
Before going to the Taormina Film Festival in Italy yesterday, Melanie took a foundation stick from Wet ‘N Wild’s Passive Aggressive Collection and sloppily covered up Antonio’s name on her arm. Sure, Melanie could’ve put on a cardigan, but then all of us wouldn’t be talking about how she’s so over Antonio that she lazily slapped some pancake make-up on his name inked into her arm. But you know, Melanie didn’t have to bother covering that mess up. Because most people don’t even notice it since they’re too busy screaming, “FOR WHY? For why did she make her face look like a melting puppet sucking on a lemon?”
And here’s more of subtle Melanie “Hot Fucking Dog” Griffith wearing a Roberto Cavalli barf bag while hanging out with Eva Longoria at the Taormina Film Festival yesterday.
Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com
St. Angie Jolie is Goddess of Children, Goddess of Wearing Black, Goddess of Wearing Skin-Colored Condom Shoes and Goddess of Forehead Veins, and now you can add Goddess Of Working Mother to her goddess resume. St. Angie Jolie understands the plight of the single working mother and she’ll never ever bitch and moan
out loud about how hard she’s got it, because she knows she doesn’t have it hard at all.
During an interview to promote the documentary about her life called Maleficent, the NYDN asked St. Angie what she thinks about comments made by the First Lady of NYC Chirlane McCray. Chirlane McCray told New York Magazine that she feels guilty about juggling her career and her daughter. St. Angie Jolie says that she doesn’t have “mommy guilt,” because she knows she’s privileged than most and her children can travel with her. Put on your knee pads (please, I know you whores always have your knee pads on) and worship at the feet of the saint of all saints:
“I’m not a single mom with two jobs trying to get by every day. I have much more support than most people, most women in this world. And I have the financial means to have a home and health care and food. My kids, they’re here upstairs.
When I feel I’m doing too much, I do less, if I can. And that’s why I’m in a rare position where I don’t have to do job after job. I can take time when my family needs it. I can say I can only get into the (editing) room after the kids are in school, and I have to be back for dinner, and they’re coming for lunch.”
St. Angie’s comments were in response to Chirlane McCray’s comments, but I’d still like to think that after she said this next part, she went on to say, “And you know who I’m talking about,” while holding her nose up in the snobby bitch position:
“I actually feel that women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain. Consider all the people who really struggle and don’t have the financial means, don’t have the support, and many people are single raising children. That’s hard.”
Yes, St. Angie, snatch up Goopy’s wig the same way you snatched up Aniston’s husband. Finish her!
But really, I doubt Brad Pitt’s ex could give a shit about this and she has a lot of shit to give since she’s full of it. Goopy’s secretary probably printed this interview out in ladybird spider semen ink on fennel-scented Torrey Pine paper and handed it to Goopy who looked it over and said, “Eh, this salope feeds her kids McDonald’s. She’s subhuman.“
Although that dress, hair, and makeup look like they’re doing they’re fair share of trolling too: “You may think I’m a 29-year-old, but I’m really a perpetually-drunk, middle-aged 5-time divorcée with an addiction to valium and diet pills, who spends her days shouting at her housekeeper, throwing martinis on old portraits of herself, and dramatically weeping into the arm of her most expensive-looking divan.”
Hot on the heels of her recent OMG Don’t look at me or this giant suspicious-looking ring stunt, Katy Perry showed up to the 2014 Elle Style Awards last night wearing the very same engagementy-looking ring (that’s what you ask for at Jared) on THAT FINGER. And, like a true stuntin’-ass Stunt Queen, she played it off like it’s NBD and that lots of people all of a sudden start wearing special vintage engagementy-looking rings on their wedding finger. Uh huh. No one is buying what you’re selling, trick, so pack up your stall at the swap meet and get gone.
But her super clever stunt is getting attention, so get used to Katy pimping out that non-engagement ring at every chance she gets. And when we get bored of the ring (and we will) expect to see some not-at-all staged pics of her trying on wedding dresses. “OMG just because I’m trying on a princess-style white organza gown with a Swarovski-crystal veil at a store called Beautiful Brides does NOT mean I’m engaged!”
Here’s more of Katy Perry and NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING SO STOP ASKING at the Elle Style Awards, along with Jessie J (looking like the most alagant of Croatian prostitutes), a skinnay Lily Allen, Miss Kylie, Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in grime Cara Delevingne, Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend (typing that felt really weird), Hermione Granger, and Rita Ora wearing a wedding dress that Katy Perry will no doubt ask to borrow sometime in the next 4-6 weeks:
That coffee table is really ugly. Now that we’ve gotten the important shit out of the way….
THE MOST HATED WOMAN ON THE INTERNET Evil Menses is on Ellen today and I guess Ellen DeGeneres didn’t want to come out and ask her if she’s still making the Goslingers rabidly foam at the mouth with rage by wrapping her life-ruining snatch over Ryan Gosling’s peen. Ellen DeGeneres played it subtle and instead asked Eva if she has any plans for Valentimes. Eva pretty much threw a bitch wink at the shippers who refuse to believe that Ryan Golsing and Rachel McAdams ever broke up.
Evil: I’m not a big Valentine’s Day person. I’ll probably just order a deep dish and watch The Notebook or something.
Ellen: Just cry.
Evil: Just cry.
I see you, bitch, I see you and I’m slowly applauding. What Eva meant by that is that her haters will be eating their pepperoni and cheese-covered feelings while watching the cat parody of The Notebook with their cat children while she deep throats their Canadian God. Cry, bitches, cry. Your tears are her lube.
Ellen also asked Eva about the rumor that she’s got a GosFetus growing in her womb. You know, that rumor that her publicist probably planted themselves in the garden of the tabloids. Eva says she’s not knocked up.
This all started, it’s so ridiciulous. It all started, because I didn’t want to go through the scanners at the airport. You know those x-ray scanners, which are really creepy. They basically see you naked, right? And not only that, but there’s a radiation aspect to it, so I always opt-out. I always ask for a personal pat down.
…I never go through the scanners. They thought that was good enough reason to say, “Hey….”
Eva’s reason for not wanting to go through the scanner is the reason why I do go through the scanner. It’s the only time when somebody sees me naked and doesn’t immediately put on their coat, grab their bag and head toward the nearest exit. Although, the TSA agents still do that when I come through the scanner. Besides, like Eva is really going to let someone who didn’t pay her day rate of $50,000 (I’m estimating) see her naked. It’s not like you can (NSFW) Google it or anything.
The young witches of Miss Robichaux’s Academy better watch their asses, because the current reigning Supreme’s powers and beauty are quickly dying and she’s going to kill them all and reclaim the throne! This is everyone’s cue to run to the nearest church to grab a priest or give yourself a holy water enema, because I think some dark-sided shit butt fucked its way into our souls when we all looked at that picture. Everything’s UNGODLY!
While wearing her tricked out denturez (“Fixodent and forget it, yo!” – Madonna), Madge showed up to the Grammys tonight looking like a cross between one of Diane Keaton’s warts and a terrifying and more horrific version of the Preacher from Poltergeist. I was trolling through Twitter when Madge was on E! and I think the record for the most times “THIS BITCH” has been tweeted simultaneously was broken. Just a little over a week after, Madge tried to keep up with the kidz by hashtagging the n-word, she showed up to the Grammys with her son David. Subtle bitch is subtle. See, that blatant bitch isn’t racist at all. She brought her black son and he even let her dress him up in a matching outfit! I know David said on the red carpet that he picked out those outfits, but you totally know she did and he went along with it, because would you really fuck with a witch who can make your soul curl up just by making a face (see: above soul-killing face)?
And when Madge and David popped up on my TV, it took me a second to realize that was her son and not her new boyfriend.