On Monday, Beyonce is re-releasing the album the almost broke the Internet (unlike Kim Kartrashian’s glazed ham ass which only broke screens), because she knows that the Beyhive will empty their checking accounts to buy a zillion copies of it and she needs the money since she’s been saving up to buy the planet Venus and rename is Beynus. The “platinum edition” of her album includes 2 new songs, 4 new remixes and some other shit. One of the new songs is 7/11, which bruised my eardrums, and she burped up the video for it tonight.
This shit’s supposed to look like Beyonce got stoned, drunk and spontaneously decided to make a video with her girlfriends in a hotel suite one day. It’s quirky, cutesy, accessible and goofy Beyonce! It was shot on an iPhone 6 in 1 hour with no budget! Please, Beyonce doesn’t do quirky and she doesn’t do shit with no budget. To make this video, it took 3 weeks to storyboard it, 3 weeks of pre-production and 5 weeks to shoot on several sound stages in several cities using a crew of make-up artists, stylists flown in from 3 different countries, choreographers, a cinematographer, high tech lights, a camera crew of 12, a facial expression coach, wig masters, stand-ins and full catering. It took another 4 weeks of post-production to finish it and it’s the most expensive video of all-time. That’s supposed to be Blue Ivy Carter at the 0:57 mark, but it’s really a grown midget stunt double. And that part where she’s singing “Don’t you drink that alcohol!” took 4 days to film, because she wanted to spill just the right amount of alcohol.
That’s really how this video was made.
With all that being said, I can’t wait to see the messy recreations of this video that the Glittery Gays of YouTube and beyond will bust out. If you’re doing a recreation of this shit and need an ass to play dice on, you know where to find me.
Usually when I pop into my local Couche-Tard to pick up Monsters (or when I want to keep it truly sleazy, Rockstars), the last thing I want is a pair of judgmental eyes staring at me from behind a bunch of dusty bags of Doritos. So I feel Vine user Rashid Polo, who can’t seem to walk through the damn Quick Stop without being followed by a bunch of nosy tricks trying to catch him lifting Butterfingers and Slim Jims. Rashid began filming himself as he gets trailed through the store, and it’s not hard to catch the ladies trailing him, since they’re about as inconspicuous as the giant cowboy hat Homer wore to spy on Apu.
But my favorite has to be the sneaky lady with the side ponytail who’s trying to spy on Rashid by pretending to tidy the store. Except that what she thinks is pretending to tidy is really just flipping price tags and touching random shit. It actually looks a lot like me when I used to work at Canadian Tire. “I’d love to help you sweep the warehouse, but I’m sort of busy touching bottles of dish soap right now, so…”
I love the way she nervously scoots away as if he caught HER shoplifting. “Damn, did I put some Nerds in my pocket by mistake?!?”
ICYMI: Joan Rivers Pulls An “I Quit This Bitch” During A CNN Interview When She’s Asked About Wearing Fur
Joan Rivers has been in the game since before the beginning of time and she probably taught Jesus how to work a stunt for maximum publicity (yeah, that whole “cross” thing was Joan’s idea). So yesterday, while whoring out her new book Diary of a Mad Diva during an interview with CNN’s Fredricka Whitfield (no relation to Sheree, I think), Joan pulled a stunt to sell her book. Joan’s latest face nearly melted off of her skull and slipped down her body onto the floor when Fredricka asked her question she claims she didn’t like. Fredricka set her facial expression generator to “condescending as fuck” when she poked at Joan for being mean to rich, famous whores and questioned her about wearing fur on the cover of her book. Joan played with Fredricka for a little while and answered the questions until the fur question came up. Joan spit out an ultra dramatic, Helen Lawson-like “I’VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR 50 YEARS!” speech before pulling off her earpiece and dramatically exiting stage left.
“You know this whole interview is becoming a defense interview. Are you wearing leather shoes? Shut up. You know what I mean? I don’t want to hear it. ‘You’re wearing fur.’ You’re eating chicken. You’re eating meat. I don’t want to hear this nonsense. Come to me with a paper belt and I’ll talk to you. You know, I’m going. I really am going, because all you’ve done is negative. All you have done is negative. I made people laugh for 50 years! I am put on earth to make people laugh. My book is funny. I wear fur that was killed 15 years ago. I work for animal rights. STOP IT WITH ‘And you do this and your’re mean.’ You are not the one to interview someone who does humor. Sorry!”
Yes, Fredericka kept throwing the kind of patronizing “Sure Jan” smiles that my only friend in the 7th grade threw at me when I introduced her to my “girlfriend,” but that was a tame ass interview overall. Joan’s skin is literally made of Kevlar and that’s one of the strongest kinds of plastic, so I doubt those easy questions really got to her. A STUNT QUEEN stunt is a STUNT QUEEN stunt. But I’m surprised that Joan didn’t end the interview by flipping Fredericka off before saying, “Here’s the missing plane, tranny!”
Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick
Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.
Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!
Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.
No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.
Nicki Minaj (born name: Onika Tanya Maraj) would like to take a minute or two out of your Wednesday to clarify the shade she indirectly threw at Iggy Azalea (born name: Amethyst Amelia Kelly) during her extra sloppy speech at the BET Awards on Sunday night. But before we get into that, I just need to say that Onika vs. Amethyst sounds like the GLOW wrestling match of my dreams.
While accepting the award for Best Female Hip Hop Artist, the double-stuffed rapping pantyhose doll called out Iggy, without calling out Iggy by name, for being a fraudulent marionette with a fake ass who simply spits out the words that T.I. and other rappers wrote for her. But on Twitter (via Gawker) today, Nicki said that the media got it completely twisted around and she wasn’t trying to tear a ho down, she was giving a pep talk. Nicki gave another “We’ve Got To Do Better” sermon while subtly shading Iggy at the same time:
The media puts words in my mouth all the time and this is no different. I will always take a stance on women writing b/c I believe in us! I believe we’re smart enough to write down our own thoughts and perspective, just like the men do. I’ve been saying this for 5 YEARS. I fell in love with Lauryn Hill b/c I knew she was the author behind those amazingly profound and articulated songs on the MisEducation. I wondered how Lauryn tapped into my brain and wrote an album on love, betrayal, passion, pain, triumph, brokenness…. Did she read minds? It’s the same reason I have a different level of respect for Missy. I know she’s a writer and a producer. Women MUST aspire for more.
I’ve congratulated Iggy on the success of Fancy, publicly. She should be very proud of that. All the women nominated should b proud. That will never change my desire to motivate women to write. Our voices have to be heard. I hope I inspire up & coming females to do that.
That’s a “Stop copying from that boy’s paper, Iggy” speech if I ever heard one.
I never got this “feud.” You’d think that two Fraggle Rock refugees who both bought their asses from the same Goodyear franchise and who bought put on some weird accent when they rap would love each other and be the Thelma & Louise of hip hop. Maybe they feel like the world of bubblegum rap isn’t big enough for both of their 18-wheeler asses. But if Iggy really is getting her lyrics from T.I.’s cheat sheet, I wish she’d stop and write about what she knows. Because I, for one, would love to hear rap songs about Kath & Kim, bogans, Vegemite farts and Brynne Edelsten’s pussy game.
Jeremy Meeks, the sexy California criminal who crashed Meet-an-Inmate.com (I’m assuming) and single-handedly resurrected the lost art of hand-written prison pen-pal correspondence when his mug shot was released to the horny hoes of the internet this week, has decided that once his felonious ass has been sprung from the big house, he’s going to sashay-shante over to his parole officer and inform him he got a full-time job as a professional Zoolander. According to TMZ, several modelling agencies are interested in Jeremy. Blaze Models (which definitely doesn’t sound like a company who advertises in the ‘Casual Encounters’ section of Craigslist) tells TMZ that “gangster models” are so hot right now, and if they booked Jeremy a job with Versace or Armani, he could make up to $30,000 a month.
The only thing stopping Jeremy from serving up that FACE-BODY-FACE outside of a mug shot is the fact that his bail is set at $900,000, and so far his mama has only hustled $5,180 in online donations. People were literally foaming at the no-nos a week ago and bursting into spontaneous orgasms just by imagining dry-humping on Jeremy’s stick-poke teardrop tattoo, but horny bitches are a fickle bunch, and we’ve all lost interest. Probably because all it took was a cold shower to realize that Jeremy Meeks actually looks like a busted Riff Raff.
Jeremy will be modelling Jazzy Scooters by the time he’s released from prison, but that delusional dreamboat has requested that he be allowed to ditch his shackles and trade his prison-issued jumpsuit for some custom-fitted civilian clothing, so he can look like a hot model when he goes to court. Cellblock bitch PLEASE! A real model would turn out that orange jumpsuit like it was some Marc Jacobs Haute Correctional Facility Couture. Werk it hunty! Sell that itchy standard issue polyester!
The premiere of HBO’s The Leftovers (aka The Others from Lost Move To Long Island) happened in NYC last night and Jennifer Aniston figured it was the perfect time to kill all those break-up rumors her publicist probably leaked himself by getting on Justin Theroux like he was a Cabbage Patch doll knocked up with a litter of Beanie Babies. Jennifer Aniston truly gave the tabloids several gifts. She gave them the perfect picture to use for their “Justin Storms Out! Calls Jen ‘Too Clingy!’” cover story and the perfect picture (see above) for their “Jen Doesn’t Want To Ruin Her Bikini Body! Makes Justin Carry Their Unborn Triplets!” cover story.
Bitches are so orange that they look like two Chick-O-Sticks in fancy clothes. Justin did himself up like a sleazy, traveling hipster preacher who seduces dumb, religious housewives so he can do them hard and steal their TV and purses as they sleep it off. And Jennifer’s skin looked as glowing as ever. Fillers, tequila, chemical peels, Baby Alive slobber, tears and $500 dolphin placenta cream works wonders. I mean, Aveeno and Smart Water. Aveeno and Smart Water works wonders!
Here’s a few more pictures of Justin, Jen and his co-stars Liv Tyler and Amy Brenneman at last night’s premiere. Justin’s beaming like, “Finally, you’re all here for ME,” as the photographers screamed, “Over here, Jen! Over here!”
When we all found out that Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas’ marriage threw itself into a grave on top of the remains of her career (I’m wrong for that, because she was in an episode of Hot In Cleveland and working with Betty White is a career HIGH!), some hos wondered what would become of the definition of “bad choices” on her arm. Would she have that heart-shaped Antonio tattoo turned into a meatball with a unicorn riding on top of it (that’s what I would do)? Would she tattoo the words “FUCK YOU,” over Antonio’s name? Would she leave it and visit tattoo shops all over the world and try to talk people out of making the same mistake she did by inking their piece’s name into their flesh? No, Melanie hasn’t done any of that yet. Instead she’s using that busted down Antonio tattoo to get herself some attention, because why not?
Before going to the Taormina Film Festival in Italy yesterday, Melanie took a foundation stick from Wet ‘N Wild’s Passive Aggressive Collection and sloppily covered up Antonio’s name on her arm. Sure, Melanie could’ve put on a cardigan, but then all of us wouldn’t be talking about how she’s so over Antonio that she lazily slapped some pancake make-up on his name inked into her arm. But you know, Melanie didn’t have to bother covering that mess up. Because most people don’t even notice it since they’re too busy screaming, “FOR WHY? For why did she make her face look like a melting puppet sucking on a lemon?”
And here’s more of subtle Melanie “Hot Fucking Dog” Griffith wearing a Roberto Cavalli barf bag while hanging out with Eva Longoria at the Taormina Film Festival yesterday.
Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com
Shay-Lean Woodley, the organic free-range flower child with the monster truck rally name, wanted to go to the movies to see A Walk to Remember 2: More Cancer, More Tears aka The Fault in Our Stars, but she didn’t want to be mobbed by her fans (all ten of them) so she decided to pull a Pistachio Disguisey and concealed her identity by wearing a wig. Just a wig. Dear CIA: I think I’ve found your next head of Spy Training.
Shay-Lean’s co-star Ansel Elgort posted this picture of the two of them to Instagram at a screening of The Fart in Our Shorts on Sunday with the caption: “Shai’s amazing disguise to go see #tfios last night without causing a scene!”, but has since deleted the picture, probably because Shay-Lean was pissed that after working so hard on crafting such an elaborate disguise, Ansel went and blew her cover. HOW RUDE! Now she has to use her fall-back costume: a pair of Groucho Marx glasses.
Even with the wig, Shay-Lean should know she’d never get away with going incognito to the movies. It would be game over the second she pulled up to the valet station at the ArcLight asking where she could plug in her Nissan LEAF (“I think that’s Shay-Lean Woodley”), then she’d start loudly complaining that her movie tickets were printed on paper and not processed hemp sheets using soy-based inks (“That’s definitely Shay-Lean Woodley”), then demanding to speak to the manager to find out if their popcorn is certified non-GMO local organic fair-trade kettle-cooked maize (“Shay-Lean, you can take off the wig now, we know it’s you”).
On Wednesday night, Jennifer Lopez left her $10,000 a night suite in Manhattan in a pair of next-season Louboutins and a custom-made endangered chinchilla coat hand-sewn by Donatella Versace herself, and instructed the driver of her Maybach to have the camera ready to take some pictures of the citizens of her old neighborhood running to her with open arms and tears of joy in their eyes as she returns to the Bronx for her homecoming concert.
Except that the good people of the Bronx could have given a flying ass-pad that Phony from The Block was coming back to play a show at Orchard Beach. According to the New York Post, about half of the 25,000 people who received free tickets actually showed up to Jennifer Lopez’s first-ever show in the Bronx because they think she’s no longer one of them:
“She’s been making all this money on Castle Hill but she doesn’t even help out the neighborhood,” said Matthew McNally. “Most of the people I know think she’s a sellout.”
“Musically, she’s very talented, but I don’t think she’s done enough for the community,” added Justin McGinn of Throggs Neck.
“I wanted to see what the show was like, but a lot of people I talked to don’t like her or want anything to do with her,” McGinn said. “They feel like she’s a sellout and she took too long to come back.”
JLo probably didn’t help things by laying it on as thick as she did. The Post says that at one point in the show, she rounded up her dancers and “perched on a set of stairs and sang a cappella, as if they were sitting on a neighborhood stoop.” I know JLo was trying to prove she’s still the realest, most down-to-earth bitch on the block, but sitting on a stoop? The last time I checked, JLo didn’t rest her ass on anything but the seat of a limo, a helicopter, or the oiled-up lap of a male model.
Here’s more of Jenny from The Million-Dollar Gated Community Block performing last night in the Bronx. And I don’t want to make a hackey joke (oh, but I will) but when did Miley Cyrus have a garage sale?