Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

Prince Hot Ginge Went To The Beach… Fully Clothed 

October 19, 2018 / Posted by:

So, let’s recap. Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge just had to smother our faces with the fact that they’re having lots of raw dogging fun by announcing that an heir has moved into her womb (or “Official Heir-Producing Property of the Royal Family” as THE QUEEN calls it). And then during their Australian tour, they further smothered our faces with their love by getting into all sorts of public displays of affection that can easily be labeled as: Goddammit, get a room already, haven’t we been through enough?!!!! Us crazed HotGingeopaths bravely dealt their heart-stabbing antics, because we thought that maybe just maybe PHG would throw us a ginger bone. Kind of like how Prince William assumed the position during a photo-op. Although, Willy could’ve kept that.

So loins probably tingled when PHG and Duchess Meghan paid a visit to Bondi Beach in Sydney today. Everything I know about Bondi Beach I learned from the nipple-hardening pictures of Hugh Jackman running around all hot and shirtless with his hot (and shirtless) trainer. So I figured that it was a law that all hot pieces must be topless when on Bondi Beach. But I guess not, because PHG showed up dressed like Jerry from accounting at a conference in Honolulu. A sad moment for us desperate pathetic hos who were hoping to be blinded by his glorious ginger nipples and blinding #FFFFFF hex color code body.

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Here’s Madonna’s MTV VMAs Tribute To Madonna (Featuring An Aretha Franklin Album She Listened To Once, Or Something) 

August 20, 2018 / Posted by:

Anybody who took one look at Madonna’srich white lady who listened to Baduizm once” ensemble and said, “nope,” before changing the channel, made the right decision.

Queen Aretha Franklin died not that long ago and she wasn’t really known as a music video artiste, so I wasn’t expecting the MTV to do a tribute extravaganza to her at the VMAs tonight. But if they took an “Aretha Franklin look” wig from Wish, threw it on a stool, and played a warped copy of Respect on a Boombox, it would’ve been a more well thought out tribute than the one that was dry farted out onto the stage. It’s as if the producers of the VMAs said to Madge, “Will you honor the Queen?“, and she figured they were talking about her.

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Sean Young Is Finally Back In The Headlines (Only This Time It’s For Suspected Thievery Shit)

August 10, 2018 / Posted by:

Anytime the name “Sean Young” graces my inbox, Twitter feed, RSS feed, etc…, I perk up like Sean Young whenever she sees the name “Sean Young” on a headline. But while I’m hoping to see headlines like “Sean Young Lands 8-Figure Deal To Play Her Dream Role Of Catwoman” or “Sean Young Lands 8-Figure Deal To Star In A Bravo Docu-Series Called ‘Forever Young””, her most recent headlines are usually about her busting out some messy antics. Today’s Sean Young story is no exception. Sean Young has been accused of snatching up some Apple laptops and video production equipment from a place in Queens she used to work at. I nearly screamed my tonsil skin off from thinking about how bland pieces of rutabaga meat like Marky Mark and Ryan Reynolds are making millions upon millions of dollars from acting while legends like Sean Young has to pay her bills by working at a Best Buy in Queens. But she allegedly stole from the office of a production company she was working with.

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This Is What The New She-Ra And Catra Look Like….

July 16, 2018 / Posted by:

This call is going to go down right after I press the publish button on this post:

911 operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Old hysterical gay: QUICK! Send every police officer, firefighter, FBI agent, SWAT team member, Avenger, Justice League-er, Officer Poncho, Angela Bassett’s 9-1-1 character, and the 80s She-Ra to Netflix and Dreamsworks studio to arrest everybody in those buildings for their roles in butchering and slaughtering one of the most glamorous beings of the 80s cartoon universe and her friends!

911 operator: Oh, it’s that old hysterical gay again. Sir, when you hung up with me, did you call again hoping you’d get a different operator? Did the men in white coats I sent over to your house not show up yet?

When I heard that Netflix and Dreamworks Animation were joining forces to bring She-Ra into the now, I put my hand on my DVD copy of the She-Ra and He-Man Christmas special (aka my bible) and prayed to the gods above to not let them mess it up. Well, the gods above confirmed they hate me this morning when I didn’t wake up with a naked Alexander Skarsgard on my face (something I asked for last night, they are so rude). And they really confirmed they hate me when Netflix released the first official pictures of the new She-Ra. Those butcherers turned She-Ra and Catra into Fetus-Ra and Kittenra.

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“Little Women” Has Been Remade Into A Modern-Day Pinterest Board

June 19, 2018 / Posted by:

It’s the 150th anniversary of Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women, and it would appear Hollywood has decided to celebrate by lighting the whole thing on fire. There have been numerous film adaptations of Little Women over the years (I’m Winona-biased, but the best is the 1994 version). But there really hasn’t been a modern re-telling, until now. And after watching the trailer, you’ll be likely to be wishing they’d kept it that way.

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Does The “B” in “IHOb” Stand For Burgers?!!!!!

June 7, 2018 / Posted by:

Yesterday, I wrote about the disturbing and ugly news that the early-morning paradise for drunks that is IHOP is changing their name to IHOb, which sounds like a bowel condition that gives you the runs (fitting). IHOb isn’t announcing what the “b” stands for until Monday, but I hoped it was just a shameless stunt to promote some new b-named breakfast food and that IHOP wouldn’t turn their backs on pancakes. But now some people who claim they work for IHOP are spilling it. They say the “b” doesn’t stand for “breakfast,” it stands for “burgers.” I just… Trump became president, and now IHOP is ALLEGEDLY shitting on their bread pancakes and butter and getting themselves a new whore and using cheap tactics to sell it? What happened to America?! Actually, that is very American.

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