That professional Ukrainian asshole Vitalii Sediuk has been banned from many red carpet events and even got in trouble the law for trying to give Brad Pitt a dry crotch-sucking, but dude obviously hasn’t learned that getting into someone’s personal space for attention isn’t such a good idea. Vitalii has already built himself a long ass resume of fuckery by trying to mouth kiss Will Smith without permission, trying to give Bradley Cooper a dry beej, crotch-hugging Leonardo DiCatchAHo and climbing up America Ferrera’s dress. And yesterday in Milan, he screwed with Gigi Hadid and she proved that she’s a junior member of the Not The One Club by elbowing him in the face.
Somewhere in the afterworld, David Bowie has just offered to hold Andy Warhol’s lit cigarette so he can go back to his grave to roll.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Jared Leto will produce and star in the indie biopic called Warhol. The script will be based on Warhol: The Biography by Victor Bockris and Terence Winter, who wrote The Wolf of Wall Street and co-created HBO’s Vinyl, will write it. They haven’t found a director yet. Jared owns the rights to that biography and has been looking to throw it up onto movie screens for a while.
Okay, okay, maybe Jared Leto as Andy Warhol isn’t that much of an awful thing. If anything, we’ll get more stories about how he’s the greatest method actor who ever method’ed. Jared will tell reporters that like Warhol, he filled his house with trash (aka Suicide Squad DVDs), had his wigs made by the grandchild of Warhol’s real wigmaker and sent his castmates used condoms (again) and real mummified human feet. And Jared will tell reporters all of that while laid up in a hospital bed where he’ll be recovering from a bullet wound. Because, yes, Jared is so method that he’s going to let the actress playing Valerie Solanas shoot at him for real. Just give him the Oscar now.
Pics: Instagram, Getty
When I woke up yesterday and opened up my laptop, one of the first headlines that slammed against my blurry eyes was:
I made the same face that David Bowie is making in that picture above, pivoted and returned my ass to bed. I didn’t need that headline yesterday and I don’t need it today. But thankfully, David Bowie’s son has shit on that headline and says that a piece of his dad’s spirit is not trapped in the dusty hellscape of rolling Mad Max extras and Wookie boots.
Zendaya, seen above wearing the shirt from Merry-Go-Round that you worked the shit out of in the early-90s, accused a checkout chick at Vons of being rude and racially profiling her ass. Yesterday, Zendaya told the saga of the alleged racist checkout lady in a series of Snapchats. Zendaya says that when she tried to buy a few gift cards from the grocery store Vons in L.A., the checkout lady refused and tossed her wallet back at her. Dlisted’s highly-skilled research assistant (my dog) is currently on his 12th nap of the day, but before he starts his 13th, I’ll get him to check to see if the name tag on that Vons’ employee had the name “GIULIANA” on it.
As expected, nepotism’s current pride and joy Kendall Jenner graced the cover of Vogue’s biggest issue of the year, the September issue, with her “comatose deer caught in broken headlights” eyes. This is the second time (third if you count that special “millennial” issue) that a member of Pimp Mama Kris’ koven has been on the cover of American Vogue. So I think that’s the men in white coats’ cue to pry Anna Wintour’s tongue out of the Kardashians’ asshole and drag her into a padded room. The room’s padding will be provided by Chanel, of course.
I know this joke has been made a million times (“That’s never stopped you before, bitch” – you), but Vogue should really change its name to Vague, as in I “vaguely” remember when it was a fashion bible and not a fame whore bible.
In case you couldn’t tell from the screams of the internet asking for Detective La Toya to please join forces with Detective Courtney Love to track down Orlando Bloom’s raw naked pics, the New York Daily News posted a gallery of exclusive pictures starring Katy Perry and her dick-out naked piece. But well, the NYDN threatened all of us with a good time, because they put a dreaded censor box of doom over Orlando’s peen in ALL of the pics. We’ve all been cock blocked by a black box.
Katy and Orlando are on vacation in Sardinia, Italy, and for some reason, he decided to strip down to nothing and paddleboard. I don’t know why you would want to paddleboard naked, but I’m not complaining. Get all Hedonism II in that bitch, Orly! Living the life IS sitting comfortably on your chariot as a naked Legolas paddles you around.
— NY Daily News Gossip (@NYDNgossip) August 3, 2016
If it was Jon Hamm in those pics, he wouldn’t need that paddle. The Hammaconda would steer them safely to land while fighting off any sharks that circle around them.
You can click here to see all of the censored pics if you want to. Thankfully there’s people on Twitter who are as hard-up as we are, because they’ve pointed out that you can see the shadow of what may be Orlando’s peen (but it could be his arm) in one pic. I hope Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow because that would mean six more weeks without seeing the uncensored pics.
UPDATE: I guess Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow, because Orlando’s bare peen has leaked on is all over Tumblr, and your eyes can get it (NSFW, duh) here.