Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

I Guess Fran Lebowitz Has Never Seen Richard Simmons Before

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Social commentator and author Fran Lebowitz talked to Elle about the current state of style and the entire interview is hilarious. It’s like talking to your crabby auntie who wears the same white button down and black skirt to family reunions and sits in the corner nibbling on Royal Dansk cookies while making stank face. Fran thinks yoga pants are destroying women, believes ladies can learn from drag queens, thinks NYC is suffering from a mirror drought (because so many people are walking around looking a mess) and says that a man in shorts is one of the most terrifying things to happen to her eyes. Auntie Fran’s got some fightin’ words!

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This Might Be The Newest Member Of Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse

March 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, I guess every gang needs their own Anybodys.

Seen above wearing an armpit merkin since Magic Nursery dolls can’t grow body hair, Justin Bieber may have bro fisted and made up with Leonardo DiCatchAHo after the latter cheered and laughed when the former got punched out by beautiful porcelain elf Orlando Bloom in Ibiza. On Saturday night, the leader of the doucheified Brat Pack apparently partied with Leonardo DiCatchAHo at 1Oak in West Hollywood and they were seen leaving together along with a bunch of women. Poor Lukas Haas. He was probably forced to take an Uber because the Biebs’ car seat took up so much space in Leo’s ho mobile.

I don’t understand this. Thanks to that raggedy ass beard, Leonardo DiCatchAHo looks like a creepy drifter who eats earth worms and peeps on ladies squat pissing in rest stop bathrooms, but he can still get ass. He’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo! He doesn’t need the Biebs. Maybe Leo mistook the Biebs for one of the chicks’ kid and he let the little brat tag along since he’s got a supervised play area in his mansion for situations like this. Or maybe Leo’s game is getting a little rusty and he’s hanging out with the Biebs because he knows that ladies love babies. If that’s the case, he should’ve gotten a puppy instead. They’re also lady magnets, but their bark is less annoying than the Biebs’ voice, they’re easier to house train and usually at some point they graduate from humping your leg.

And here’s some Hi-Res, crystal clear pictures of Leo leaving DBA last night with a new set of chicks. The Biebs didn’t come out, because an episode of Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn he hadn’t seen was on.

Pics: Splash, Instagram

This Is The New “Brat Pack” According To Vogue

March 23, 2015 / Posted by:

File this under both “Things We Don’t Need A ‘New’ Version Of” and “Stop It, You’re Making Judd Nelson Sad“. VOGUE has crowned what they call ”Hollywood’s New Brat Pack“, and I want whatever it is Anna Wintour is mixing into her mid-afternoon cocktails, because that bitch is clearly getting next-level drunk. VOGUE’s New Brat Pack includes – and may god strike me down for such blasphemy as writing the following names adjacent to the words Brat PackJustin Bieber, Kendall Jenner, model Gigi Hadid, actor Ansel Elgort, and Sean Penn’s offspring Dylan and Hopper Penn. If only there were a relevant image that could accurately describe how I feel about this. Oh, here we go:

tumblr_mjkz5zNKFP1s7a9a1o1_500

Calling this group of questionable no-talents the “New Brat Pack” is the definition of THE AUDACITY. It’s like VOGUE is trolling us in real life (Anna Wintour totally just got her assistant to force the corners of her mouth up into a sly smile). Not to mention that I cannot for the life of me determine who is who. Was there a member of the original Brat Pack who was a hard-core spoiled toddler asshole from Canada? If there was, then Justin Bieber is that one.

Pics: Vogue, Gif: Tumblr

The Difficult Brown’s Probation Is Over

March 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a dirty Q-Tip used to treat one of Barney’s anal warts, Chris Brown was in his home away from home, the court room, on Friday to hear a judge tell him that he’s free. The judge didn’t get to spit those words out, because he was too busy barfing up laughs over Chris looking like Grimace’s dick head.

Chris Brown was put on 5 years of probation in 2009 after he pleaded guilty to Ike Turnering RiRi the night before the Grammys. On top of 5 years probation, The Difficult Brown also got hit with 1,400 hours of community service and he had to take a year-long domestic violence course. Fist Brown managed to keep his inner throbbing asshole in check for about a year, but it came out in 2010 when he threw a fit in his dressing room at Good Morning America and broke a window. After that, he kept the fuckery coming by allegedly stealing a chick’s iPhone, getting into a club fight with Drake and brawling with Frank Ocean in a parking lot, etc, etc, etc. He also failed a drug test and got in trouble for faking some of his community service hours. His probation was revoked in 2013 when he went crazy on a chick after hitting her car with his. He was driving without a valid license at the time.  The judge reinstated his probation a few months later and added 1,000 more community service hours as punishment.

The AP says that after all that, Chris Brown is finally done with probation and won’t have to show his face in court until he fucks up again, which will probably happen this week. Don’t worry, the  Los Angeles County Probation Department doesn’t have to lay off its entire staff since they no longer have The Difficult Brown to keep them busy. They still have Lindsay Lohan.

Right after the hearing, Chris Brown burped up this tweet (which was later deleted): “IM OFF PROBATION!!!!!!!! Thank the Lord!!!!!!” To which the Lord tweeted, “Don’t thank me, bitch, I saw that purple hair and voted to keep you on probation for life.

Even though he’s done with probation, Chris still has a conviction on his record, so Canada can still deny him, but nobody tell him that. We need another feel-good story about Drake cackling after a Mountie stamps “DENIED, EH!” on Chris Brown’s customs form.

Pics: Splash

Eva Mendes Says The Number One Cause Of Divorce In America Is Sweatpants

March 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Eva Mendes, seen above in her version of Sunday Casual (which is basically my Weekday Formal), recently spoke to Extra about her hot Canadian hipster husband boyfriend Ryan Gosling, but instead of asking her the important questions like how big is it/what does it look like/does it taste like poutine, they asked her if she has any secrets for keeping Ryan happy at home. I would assume the only thing Ryan needs to be happy is a vocal coach telling him he’s doing a really good job of sounding like he’s from some vague part of Brooklyn, but according to Eva, the secret to keeping her man happy is never ever wearing sweatpants:

“Sweatpants, no, no, no, no. No, no, you can’t do sweatpants. Ladies, number one cause of divorce in America is sweatpants. No, you can’t do that.”

I don’t know if that’s correct; if years of watching Joey Greco bust cheaters on Cheaters have taught me anything, it’s that the leading cause of divorce in America is catching your partner humping on some trampy blurry-faced skank named Brayleigh in an empty Big Lots parking lot.

Listen, if I was Ryan Gosling’s piece, there isn’t much I’d say no to, but I draw the line at no sweatpants. To quote Marilyn Monroe, if you can’t handle me at my sweatpants, you don’t deserve me at my sweatpants. Basically, what I’m getting at is that I’m always wearing sweatpants.

But how does she live without sweatpants? What does she wear when its laundry day or she has the shits? Eva! Chill out girl, Ryan’s dick won’t go soft if you wear a pair of sweatpants. Give in to the sloppy-crotched freedom! Just tell yourself they’re a pair of high-end organic cotton drawstring slouch trousers, if that’s what you need to do.

There’s Something Incredibly Wrong With This Picture

March 18, 2015 / Posted by:

The cast of Pretty Woman reunited on Today for the 25th anniversary and here’s a picture from that segment, which shot a couple of days ago and airs on Tuesday. There’s Hector Elizondo (Barney), Laura San Giacomo (Kit De Luca), Gary Marshall (director), some smug butt plug, Julia Roberts (Vivian Ward) and Richard Gere (Edward). I’m sure by now you’ve already pushed yourself away from your desk, got up out of your chair and screamed:

WHERE THE FUCK IS MARIE, SNOBBY SALESWOMAN #2?????!!!!!!!!!

Every single one of those bitches at the reunion are bold as all hell. They’re sitting there with smiles on their faces like everything is fun rainbows and happiness when they know very well that their little reunion is shit without the true star of that movie. Does anybody really remember what Julia Roberts’ character said in Pretty Woman? (Okay, yes people do, but just go with me on this.) But everyone remembers the highly important and plot-changing line that the pivotal character of Marie, snobby saleswoman #2 (as played by former HSOTD Shane Ross), said to Julia (at the 1:00 mark):

That line changes EVERYTHING. Pretty Woman wouldn’t be the mega hit it was without that line and performance. Matt Lauer probably planned to do a 75-minute in-depth interview with Shane Ross, but Julia Roberts had it axed, because she’s always been jealous of the thespian who stole the show. Color me sad. Whatever, Shane Ross is probably busy playing Lady Macbeth on the London stage anyway. She doesn’t need those amateurs.

Below is a preview of the reunion, but just know that by pressing play, you are betraying Marie, snobby saleswoman #2.

Pic: Getty

But Where, Oh Where, Is Prince Hot Ginge?

March 17, 2015 / Posted by:

While some of us spend our St. Patrick’s Day worshipping the green by smoking it in a bong (I guess that means EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day for me), the British royals had to do actual work! Take that, hating whores (see: Morrissey) who always throw cold runny shit at the British royals for doing nothing but exfoliate their pristine royal skin with a paste made from the shredded bills they take from taxpayers. Duchess Kate is 8 months knocked up and she still showed up on time to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade at Mons Barracks today where she waved, smiled, waved, shook hands, pet a dog and smiled some more. The smiling part is really impressive, because I didn’t think a woman who is in the final stages of being knocked up was able to smile. Every chick I see who is seconds away from expelling a squatter from her body is usually gritting her teeth while making a level 10 “I am so over this shit” face. But not Duchess Kate. She is a professional!

While wearing shamrock bouquets that look like something a Chia Pet shat up (or like Mother Nature’s pube bush), Duchess Kate and Prince William visited with Irish guards and gave shamrocks to officers and guardsmen of the regiment. I have one very, very important question:

WHERE IN THE HELL IS PRINCE HOT GINGE?!

How can there be an official St. Patrick’s Day event in the UK without an almost naked and nearly unemployed Prince Hot Ginge twerking to Cock O’ The North while wearing a shamrock thong? That should be tradition! Eh, he’s probably busy snorting green vodka with the Alabama Leprechaun.

Pics: Splash

Comedy Central Is Scrubbing Out All The Paul Walker Jokes From Justin Bieber’s Roast

March 17, 2015 / Posted by:

I always thought that anyone watching those Comedy Central roasts knows to leave their pearl clutching pearls in the jooree box, because pretty much anything goes and many of those hos who take the mic are out to shock and offend. I mean, during the Pamela Anderson roast, evil bitches made fun of God’s spirit sister Bea Arthur and I thought that was against all laws of everything. But I guess some jokes are too much for Comedy Central. During Saturday night’s taping of the Justin Bieber roast, which was the latest stop on his “I Swear I’m No Longer A Split Open Anus Wart” tour, seasoned roaster Jeff Ross and SNLer Pete Davidson both made jokes about Paul Walker’s death, because Ludacris, who’s in those Fast & Furious movies, was there. The Hollywood Reporter says that the jokes bombed and Ludacris was pissed. Here’s two of the jokes:

“‘Move bitch, get out of the way!’ is what Paul Walker should’ve told that tree. Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?” – Jeff Ross

“Just this past year, Justin got arrested for drag racing. Unfortunately, it wasn’t with Paul Walker. What? He’s doing great! He’s got a movie coming out!” – Pete Davidson

Jeff Ross also told a joke about Pete Davidson’s firefighter dad dying in the World Trade Center attacks, but these are the jokes that made Comedy Central hit the TOO FAR button. Those jokes won’t make the cut when this mess airs later this month. Comedy Central burped up this statement:

“Roasts often push the limits of good taste and we give the participants full rein to try things knowing we have the edit to shape the show. Sometimes the line is discovered by crossing it. The Paul Walker references will not be in the telecast.”

Jeff responded to his Paul Walker joke getting cut by making what sounds like another Paul Walker joke: “I was so in the moment, I don’t know what jokes hit.

Since Comedy Central is editing out stuff they think is too offensive and crosses the line, I’m guessing they’re going to completely edit out Justin Bieber and his drowned long-haired guinea pig hair. Because his entire existence is offensive to humanity.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Fashion Apocalypse Is Upon Us: Rihanna Is Wearing STIRRUP PANTS

March 13, 2015 / Posted by:

When the reanimated zombie corpse of leggings, aka “stretch pants” (as was their alias back in the day) dug themselves out of the fashion graveyard several years ago, I thought nothing of it, because leggings are comfortable as hell and serve a very important purpose: acting as pants when you do not want to wear pants. Then when crop tops did the same thing, I started to get a little worried, because who the hell wanted crop tops back besides the Kardashian family? Now it appears Rihanna has summoned the fugliest of the undead to walk among us once again: STIRRUP PANTS.

Dior’s newest whore made an appearance on GMA this morning to promote the animated movie Home, and she showed up working some Cookie Lyon-meets-Mary Kay Lady couture. Everything about her look was great until my eyes hit those nasty-ass while elastic straps humping her heels. NO, RIRI, NO!

I have a real problem with stirrup pants for two reasons. One, they always make you look like you can’t handle real pants; they’re the mittens-on-a-string of the pant world. Two, I have always been a tall person, so stirrup pants never worked on my legs. The stirrup part would always pull the crotch part down too low, and when I went to yank them up, the stirrup would snap off my foot and dangle around my ankle like a piece of loose skin. It was all kinds of busted.

However, I will forgive RiRi for wearing stirrup pants if she claims they’re a part of her rich alien culture. I don’t know how fashion works on the sexy planet she comes from.

Pics: Splash

And The Hardest-Working Publicist Award Goes To…

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

The poor soul who does PR for Canada’s perpetually constipated-looking preteen hamster boy, Justin Bieber! Congratulations, whoever you are – you really outdid yourself this time. Justin Bieber’s I’m A Big Boy Now tour is still making stops in whatever town will have him, and this time he’s proving he’s a big boy now in Men’s Health magazine. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Boy’s Health or Douchey Spoiled Brat’s Health, but Men’s Health. Does anyone have a dictionary handy to double-check that the definition of the word men is still the same and that we didn’t wake up in some upside-down opposite world this morning?

Justin also brought with him his in-house de-infant Photoshop team to make him look extra buff in the body, and it looks like they worked out whatever kinks they had during his CK training pants campaign (crotch bulge shadows look off, face still looks like child), because I almost believe he no longer has the body of a malnourished baby squirrel. Justin also wants you to know that along with his buff new body, he also has thoughts.

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