No awards show is complete until us, the people, raise our pitchforks and scream our nipples off over who was left out of the In Memoriam tribute. The Emmys was no exception, but the people didn’t only throw shit bombs at producers over who was left out, shit bombs were thrown over who was put in too.
Yes, of this decade. Yes, of this Earth’s decade. Yes, the Kendall Jenner you know from that semi-plastic reality television family. And no, today’s date is not April 1st. Don’t worry, I too had to double-check and make sure they weren’t talking about some charismatic alien fashion icon from a future universe that was also named Kendall Jenner.
My brain purged the memory of Kathy Griffin’s bloody Trump head stunt, because it needed to make room to store newer acts of fuckery, like Trump threatening to CNN in a headlock and wrestle their asses. So I forgot about the Kathy scandal for a minute, but apparently, she really is under investigation by the Secret Service and that investigation is still going on. If the Secret Service also interview Johnny Depp for his assassination joke, more of our tax dollars will be wasted on the Febreze-scented nose plugs the Secret Service will have to wear while talking to him.
The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch
Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.
E! News, People and TMZ are saying that Sean Penn and his ex-wife of seven years Robin Wright were seen together in NYC yesterday. Sounds normal. Sean and Robin left JFK airport together earlier in the day, and he was carrying her bags. Sounds normal too. Lots of people carry bags. They were later seen entering what E! News says is an apartment. Um…that’s uh…I’m sure that’s nothing.
— E! News (@enews) May 31, 2017
I can’t help but think of Alyssa Edwards while looking at that photo of Sean Penn. Girl, look how orange you fucking look, girl. Okay, back to what matters. Robin Wright has been single since she split from her two-time fiancé Ben Foster almost two years ago. Sean was most recently rumored to be with Vincent D’Onofrio’s 24-year-old daughter Leila George. But again, we don’t know why they were together and we don’t know if anything is up. One thing is for sure: Robin has the mental strength of steel if she can tolerate being stuck on a plane for several hours next to Sean Penn. You know he’s a real “rage over nuts” type of passenger.
I got a later start than usual today, and it wasn’t because I had to lure my shivering and scared liver out of the corner with milk thistle while promising it that I’ll never ever celebrate Cinco de Mayo again. I got a later start because I needed to explain to the police this morning that the “guinea pig on helium getting choked out” noise that my neighbors called 911 about was just me wailing over the pictures from The Sun of Prince Hot Ginge sucking on Meghan Markle’s face.