My brain purged the memory of Kathy Griffin’s bloody Trump head stunt, because it needed to make room to store newer acts of fuckery, like Trump threatening to CNN in a headlock and wrestle their asses. So I forgot about the Kathy scandal for a minute, but apparently, she really is under investigation by the Secret Service and that investigation is still going on. If the Secret Service also interview Johnny Depp for his assassination joke, more of our tax dollars will be wasted on the Febreze-scented nose plugs the Secret Service will have to wear while talking to him.
The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch
Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.
E! News, People and TMZ are saying that Sean Penn and his ex-wife of seven years Robin Wright were seen together in NYC yesterday. Sounds normal. Sean and Robin left JFK airport together earlier in the day, and he was carrying her bags. Sounds normal too. Lots of people carry bags. They were later seen entering what E! News says is an apartment. Um…that’s uh…I’m sure that’s nothing.
— E! News (@enews) May 31, 2017
I can’t help but think of Alyssa Edwards while looking at that photo of Sean Penn. Girl, look how orange you fucking look, girl. Okay, back to what matters. Robin Wright has been single since she split from her two-time fiancé Ben Foster almost two years ago. Sean was most recently rumored to be with Vincent D’Onofrio’s 24-year-old daughter Leila George. But again, we don’t know why they were together and we don’t know if anything is up. One thing is for sure: Robin has the mental strength of steel if she can tolerate being stuck on a plane for several hours next to Sean Penn. You know he’s a real “rage over nuts” type of passenger.
I got a later start than usual today, and it wasn’t because I had to lure my shivering and scared liver out of the corner with milk thistle while promising it that I’ll never ever celebrate Cinco de Mayo again. I got a later start because I needed to explain to the police this morning that the “guinea pig on helium getting choked out” noise that my neighbors called 911 about was just me wailing over the pictures from The Sun of Prince Hot Ginge sucking on Meghan Markle’s face.
The good news is that none of us have to watch Dancing with the Stars anymore since the only reason to watch is now gone. The sad news is that we have once again been reminded that Americans shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything since the people can’t get shit right. Charo was told to exit stage left last night after she got the lowest total score. Charo was in the bottom two with fucking Nick Vile from The Bachelor. Yes, a no-talent-having bowl of unseasoned cauliflower mash got a higher total score than an international superstar legend! This country…
Dancing with Charo (And A Bunch Of Nobodies) had its second episode on Monday, and Deadline says the ratings were down. It’s obvious why. The jealous and shit-brained judges committed an illegal act by giving Charo a score of 21 out of 40 the week before. The people just couldn’t bear to watch as the judges continued to do the ultimate wrong by giving the flawless Spanish rose such low scores. Charo apparently agrees.