Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

Where The Hell Is The Oscar Nomination For The Fake Baby In American Sniper?

January 19, 2015 / Posted by:

But before we get into it, will somebody track down that prop baby’s agent and give them the number to a good fake baby plastic surgeon. Because that kid’s butt implant is slipping and it should use some of its American Sniper money to get that situation fixed.

I haven’t seen American Sniper yet, because I have a hard time getting into war movies and my idea of a good military movie is Private Benjamin. Besides, in American Sniper’s trailer, Sienna Miller cries into a phone and she does the same thing in Foxcatcher. A trick can only take so much of Sienna Miller crying into a phone. But I may force myself to see American Sniper so I can take in the brilliant and riveting performance of the fake, plastic baby (who I’m guessing is Chuckesmee’s little sister).

Seth Rogen’s favorite movie has made $134 million worldwide so far and all the credit for that movie’s success goes to the fake baby who delivered an emotionally raw and multi-layered performance as Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller’s kid. Not since Beyonce’s pillow bump and Kristen Stewart has an inanimate object delivered such a scene-stealing performance! Apparently, some people who have seen the movie are complaining about how cheap and fake the baby looks. It almost ruined the entire movie for them.

They don’t even use an animatronic baby. B. Coop had to move it with his fingers. The other hos in the Best Actor race can pack it up and go home, because that trophy belongs to B. Coop. Did Michael Keaton, Eddie Redmayne and the other nominees move a baby doll’s hand with their finger while keeping a serious face? I think not. THIS IS ACTING! THIS IS SKILL!

bradleycoopergifbaby

Anne Thompson, a film columnist, tells USA Today that Clint Eastwood used a fake baby, because he likes to shoot fast and he doesn’t have time for a real baby and its real baby problems:

“Basically, film professionals know that Eastwood likes to move fast on movie sets and recognize that he took the easy and less expensive route of using a fake baby — not even animatronic — that Cooper had to move himself to make it look lifelike!”

Also, Clint doesn’t like to use babies, because he wants be the only one on set who babbles incoherently.

And in related news, Pimp Mama Kris has announced that she’s starting a petition to get American Sniper stripped of its Oscar nominations and pulled from theaters. It is a sad day in Hollywood when fake babies are taking jobs away from human babies. If this becomes a trend and fake babies are hired over real babies, what are pimp moms and dads going to do for money?!

GIF: ONTD

Julianne Hough Is Sandy And Vanessa Hudgens Is Rizzo In FOX’S Grease: Live

January 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Those words put together in one sentence almost make me want to break up with my TV for good, but then I remembered that I can’t do that since Whitney is on Lifetime tonight.

The Television Critics Association Press Tour is happening this week and today was FOX’s turn to fart up news about what they’re offering up in the future. They dropped some good news in our laps by announcing that we’re getting more Cookie Lyon because Empire has been renewed. They also picked up Gotham and Brooklyn Nine-Nine for another season, and said that they’re talking about doing an X-Files reboot. Then they dropped a whole lot of NO in our laps by saying that the thorn in everyone’s taint Lea Michele will be a regular on Ryan Murphy’s new show Scream Queens, which is about a bunch of murders on a college campus. (So basically, it’s kind of like Scream the TV Show. Let’s cross our ass lips and hope that Lea’s character gets killed off in episode one.) Jamie Lee Curtis, Emma Roberts, Joe ManJello, Keke Palmer, Abigail Breslin and Ariana Grande are also in the cast. FOX also summoned a wave of WTFs by announcing that Ryan Seacrest’s ex-beard Julianne Hough and Coachella Queen Vanessa Hudgens will be Sandy and Rizzo in Grease: Live.

After The Sound of Music became a ratings hit for NBC, FOX said that they were getting into the live television musical game by doing Grease. That mess isn’t airing until January 31, 2016, but they’ve already cast two of the main roles and they said they’re working on casting Danny.

I guess there are worse things FOX could do. They could’ve cast Lea Michele in all the roles in Grease. You know she pitched that.

I can kind of sort of see Vanessa Hudgens, who is currently Broadway-bound in Gigi (???), as Rizzo. She miiiiight be able to pull off playing everyone’s favorite bitchy high school tramp. But Julianne Hough as Sandy? Did FOX not learn anything from watching Julianne Hough in Rock of Ages? A pile of oatmeal flakes could’ve brought more charisma to that role than Julianne Hough did. And I guess in FOX’s Grease, Sandy’s got that Benjamin Button’s shit, because that’s the only way to explain Julianne Hough, who is the same age as Vanessa, playing a high school student.

Were Courtney Act and Bianca DelRio not available to play Sandy and Rizzo? If FOX wanted to keep it in the FOX family, they should’ve cast Lisa Simpson as Sandy and Cookie Lyon as Rizzo.

Brian Williams Saw His Daughter’s Salad Tossing Scene In Girls

January 12, 2015 / Posted by:

During the season premiere of Sex and the City’s hipster snowflake cousin Girls last night, a dude’s mouth traveled to Peter Pan’s No No Land and we got to watch it. How lucky for all of us. It’s just salad tossing, so I wasn’t shocked or scandalized, but I was shocked that it wasn’t Lena Dunham getting her ass eaten while eating a burrito bowl over the sink.

At the premiere party for Girls, Allison Williams talked to Vulture about the scene where her character and Desi get into some butt fun in the kitchen. Allison says that they used Spanx, two thongs and period pads to protect her butt parts from Desi’s mouth and nose. Allison’s dad Brian Williams was also at the premiere party and he watched the scene with his daughter. “Aw, that reminds me of the first time Kimmy and I watched the dailies of her first sex tape together” said Pimp Mama Kris. Brian told Vulture that the scene didn’t make him cringe on the inside at all, because he knows that fake butt munching is all part of show business and watching Allison in Girls is his family’s job.

“She’s always been an actress. For us, watching her is the family occupation and everybody has to remember it’s acting, no animals were harmed during the filming, and ideally nobody gets hurt.”

Brian wasn’t bothered, but Allison’s cast mate Jemima Kirke was. Jemima told UsWeekly that she almost barfed up her insides from watching Brian Williams watch his daughter get motorboated in the ass:

“I sat behind Allison and her dad and I was going to puke. I was so nervous. I don’t even know him, but can you imagine? Watching a kissing scene with my dad next to me is awful, let alone with you getting — whatever that’s called — motorboated in your ass!”

If you watched that scene last night and wondered if Brian Williams watched it, you now have your answer. Fatherly pride filled Brian Williams’ heart as he watched his daughter get her butt filled with a dude’s face.

Gawker has the clip if you haven’t seen it and want to. There’s a GIF of it after the cut. Allison Williams’ nalgas should get a special Emmy for shaking like that and the dude who plays Desi should also get a special Emmy for wiping his mouth afterward. That was an artistic touch!

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Marilyn Monroe Is The New Face Of Max Factor

January 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, I hope this leads to Frank Sinatra’s peen becoming the new dick of Trojan Magnum condoms.

When Dove chocolates used black magic (read: CGI) to bring Audrey Hepburn back to life in one of their commercials, I just knew it would lead to more companies using dead Hollywood legends to hawk out their products. Max Factor is the latest company to pull some Misty Day shit by bringing back a dead person for an ad campaign.

Max Factor turns 80 this year and to celebrate their birthday, they’ve named one of their most famous clients Marilyn Monroe as the face of their new campaign. “Marilyn Monroe” will star in a bunch of print ads and commercials for Max Factor. Even in death, Marilyn Monroe is making more money than most hos. Marilyn Monroe can’t wear Max Factor makeup anymore since, you know, she doesn’t have a face, so they had to use old pictures. Max Factor (the company, not the person, he’s dead too) released a statement to Glamour where they reminded everyone that he’s the one who dyed her hair blond and said that they still sell some of her favorite shades.

“Norma Jean entered his [Max Factor's] Blonde Room in the late 1940s as a brunette, and thanks to Mr. Max Factor emerged complete with platinum blonde hair, a beauty look fit for Marilyn Monroe.

It is the ultimate look that defines glamour – nothing else compares. Ruby Tuesday, inspired by one of Marilyn’s favourite Max Factor lipsticks, is still my go-to red today for an instant shot of glamour, and continues to be one of the most popular shades for both make-up artists and real women. It’s the ultimate glamorous red.”

I doubt Marilyn Monroe would approve of this nonsense after what happened last year. It’s probably all kinds of awkward up in heaven because Marilyn Monroe has been giving Max Factor the silent treatment ever since his company did her dirty. Last year, Goopy Paltrow was the face of Max Factor and they did her up as several Hollywood icons including Marilyn Monroe.

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That was an unforgivable sin and Marilyn Monroe should never forgive Max Factor for that.

And is Max Factor trying to out themselves as necrophiliacs? I mean, last year the face of their brand was a trick who is dead inside and this year it’s an actual dead woman.

NOOOOOOOOOOO: Sofia Vergara And Joe Manganiello Are Engaged

December 29, 2014 / Posted by:

That sound that sort of sounds like a family of walruses howling and gargling gravy at the same time is the sound of a million b-holes and vaginas crying in pain over Joe ManJello getting engaged to the always engaged Sofia Vergara.

E! News says that after only 6 months of staged photo-ops and shameless stunts, Joe ManJello proposed to Sofia Vegara on Christmas Day in Hawaii. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Sofia and Joe’s relationship contract was supposed to expire sometime in January and after that he was supposed to have hot, desperate, rebound sex with all of us. That’s what I pictured happening in my mind. I didn’t picture this shit. The Daily Mail has a candid and totally not choreographed picture of Sofia showing off her maybe engagement ring and it’s as understated and modest as you would guess. It’s from Kay Jewelers, obviously!

Sofia and Joe started bumping nipples in July, a quick minute after she ended her engagement for the 700th time to Onion Crunch mogul and certified douche Nick Loeb. A different source tells UsWeekly that Joe proposed during Christmas, because he wanted to do it in front of her family.

We should all brace ourselves, because these two are going to milk this until there’s nothing left to milk (and yes, my genitals passed out from picturing Joe ManJello milking it dry). There’s going to be photo-op after photo-op and I just hope that Joe makes it easier for all of us by wearing as little clothes as possible in those photo-ops. I am all for this as long as the wedding is televised in HD and held at the nudist resort Hedonism II in Jamaica.

Pic: WhoSay

“Today” Showed Amy Adams The Exit Door Because She Didn’t Want To Talk About That Sony Hacking Shit

December 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Amy Adams’ name made a cameo in the Sony Hack Escandalo of 2014 when leaked emails showed that she and Jennifer Lawrence made less than Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale and Jeremy Renner for American Hustle. Another leaked email claimed that David O. Russellabused” Amy on the set of American Hustle. I guess the producers of Today wanted to her ask about that and the Sony hack in general while she was on the show to promote Big Eyes (which sadly isn’t a biopic about the life and times of STAINS). Amy didn’t want to get into the Sony hack, because Today only gave her 4 minutes and she doesn’t think that mess has anything to do with her. So Today said to her the same thing 2 out of 5 Internet hook ups say to me when they see me in person for the first time, “I have no use for you. Please leave!” Amy’s interview was canceled. Those dum dums on Today! Why even ask her about the Sony hack? If they wanted to ask her about a truly relevant news story, they should’ve asked for her thoughts on Jan Terri’s new Christmas video, because that’s something the American public really cares about.

Deadline says that Amy’s people were told she would be asked about the Sony hack before she showed up to Today’s studio. Once she got there, she was told again that she would be asked about the Sony hack. Amy told them again that she really didn’t want to get into it. Today let her know that they are a “news organization” and no one tells them what they can and cannot ask. If you’re laughing at Today calling themselves a “news organization,” I’ll have you know that they show videos of cats massaging dog heads and constantly show pictures of Savannah Guthrie’s baby. That IS serious news!

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People Magazine Names Kate Upton Their Sexiest Woman Alive

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Because what the world really needs is another award show where famous types get their assholes sucked, the 1st annual People Magazine Awards happened in L.A. last night. I watched it for about 45 seconds last night, but I quickly changed the channel, because I can only handle so many award shows in one season and I’m saving myself for the much classier and relevant Weekly World News Awards.

During last night’s show, People named Kate Upton as their Sexiest Woman Alive. People is really getting creamy for blondes this year, I see. Kate Upton accepted her trophy while dressed up like a conservative dominatrix secretary. That shit’s not sexy at all! Where were her magnificent chichis? How is she going to accept an award for being the Sexiest Woman Alive while not dressed sexy at all? But in Kate’s defense, I’m sure she didn’t know she was going to win, because it’s not like her publicist “bought” that meaningless title with promises of future EXCLUSIVES. It took workers nearly 2 hours to peel Kate Upton’s face off of the ceiling. She screamed it off after she won that award. She was THAT surprised.

Poor Angelyne, Bai Ling, Charo, La Tigresa Del Oriente, Phoebe Price, Detective La Toya Jackson and Shauna Sand. They’re women, they’re alive (mostly, I think) and they produce a zillion times more natural sexiness than Kate Upton does. ROBBED doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And Jennifer Aniston won Movie Performance of the Year at the People Magazine Awards, so she’s pretty much a lock for that Best Actress Oscar. You know what they say, a People Magazine Award leads directly to OSCUH! Sorry, Julianne.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sony Officially Kills “The Interview”

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

After all of the major movie theater chains dropped The Interview like they were Britney circa 2006 and The Interview was SPF, Sony has decided that there’s no reason to release that bad decision to the 3 theaters in the country who will show it. They have scrapped all plans to release that mess on Christmas Day and learned the hard way that James Franco ruins EVERYTHING! Annie, however, is still opening on Friday as scheduled.

Here’s Sony’s full statement via Deadline:

In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.

Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale — all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome.

Meanwhile, in the basement of her mansion, “computer noviceSt. Angie Jolie picked up the phone, dialed Universal and said, “Mission accomplished. The #1 spot at the box office is ours to lose now! Blelehehehehe!” Hackers was a documentary.

No, CNN reports that “law enforcement sources” tell them that the hackers are working for North Korea and the order came from the top. I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I can’t believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Can’t Dennis Rodman just whisper, “Baby, don’t be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,” into Kim Jong-un’s ear as they spoon?

Well, That Escalated Quickly. Really Quickly. (UPDATE)

December 16, 2014 / Posted by:

So far, the Sony Hack has been mostly fun, games, fuckery, saint-bashing, Leo-trashing and Channing Tatum going full Channing Tatum. But the Sony Hack just made a sharp left turn onto the Shit Got Real expressway. Deadline says that a threatening note that is believed to have come from the hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, was released today and in it, they say that some not-so-peaceful shit will happen in theaters showing The Interview on its opening day, December 25th. DAMN. They really don’t want people to see The Interview. If they want to keep people from seeing that shit in theaters, they should just email everyone a link to the trailer, because that’s what convinced me that I can’t watch that movie unless I’m lying on my own couch with a vaporizer straw shoved in my mouth.

The hackers recently promised a “Christmas surprise” and Deadline’s “sources” figured that meant they’re planning to leak The Interview in full on the Internet to keep people from paying to see it in theaters. But according to their threat, their “Christmas surprise” is a zillion times more disturbing.

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

THE SONY!

North Korea has already denied being involved in the hack. That note reads like I’m supposed to think it was written by someone who wants us to believe it was written by a North Korean using Google translate. Are they pulling some reverse psychology shit on us?

I can’t believe this is over a stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I was going to say that this could be some elaborate publicity stunt from Sony and STUNT QUEEN master general James Franco, but if it was there’d be a lot more leaked emails saying that he’s the greatest actor and artiste of our generation. There’d also be a lot more leaked pictures of him being naked with Seth Rogen, because he can’t get enough of that.

UPDATE: Seth Rogen and James Franco have canceled all of the press they were supposed to do this week for The Interview. Also, Homeland Security said that the threat isn’t credible.

Queen Aretha Sang Happy Birthday To Taylor “Beautiful Gowns” Swift

December 12, 2014 / Posted by:

The New England Journal of Medicine recently published studies (no, it didn’t) that claimed that watching the video where Queen Aretha Franklin subtly shades Taylor Swift can add months, if not years, to your life. It’s more life-lengthening than drinking a glass of red wine a day or eating blueberries or fucking. Hell, it’s more life-lengthening than eating blueberries while getting a red wine enema as you fuck.

During an interview with the Wall Street Journal last month, the mistress of shade was asked to say a few words about female singers on the scene today and when Taylor Swift’s name came up, the only thing she said was, “Great gowns, beautiful gowns.” It was shade cooked to perfection. Queen Aretha and the beautiful gown wearer came face to face at Billboard’s Women in Music luncheon in NYC today. Taylor’s body turns 25 tomorrow (the 13-year-old girl that lives inside of her turns 14) and so Queen Aretha was charitable and kind enough to serenade the human Lalaloopsy doll with “Happy Birthday” as Jessie J, Ariana Grande Latte, Hayley Williams and others watched. Queen Aretha pretty much maxed out the IRS’ allowed charitable donations with this act of pure kindness. via Billboard

I wish that Grumpy Cat’s human memaw Cissy Houston was in the background rolling her eyes and looking seventy shades of bored. I’d like to think that after she sang for a lesser, Hateretha lived up to her nickname by saying, “And THAT’S how it’s done, trick! Beautiful gown, by the way” before dropping the mic and exiting stage left.

Pics: Wenn.com

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