Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

BLASPHEMY! The Spice Girls May Replace Posh And Sporty

June 16, 2016 / Posted by:

The Spice Girls have apparently been trying to put together a 20th anniversary reunion tour, and we already know that Posh Spice isn’t doing it because she has officially retired from half-assed lip-synching while pointing at things. Now one of America’s most esteemed and trustworthy literary journals Life & Style is reporting that Sporty Spice doesn’t want to do the tour either, and so Scary Spice, Baby Spice and Ginger Spice have come up with an idea that makes me think they were possessed by Satan. This idea is one of the most unholiest things I’ve ever heard. The Spice Girls are planning to hold tryouts to replace Posh and Sporty. Some source dribbled out these evil words:

“It wasn’t a surprise that Victoria would decline the tour, but the girls really hit the roof when Mel C ditched too.

The girls are going to be making a formal announcement about tryouts for their spots in the next few weeks. Posh and Sporty can be replaced.”

Okay, truthfully, if the Spice Girls put a snobby-looking broomstick in a wig onstage and called it Posh, nobody would really question that, and in fact, the audience would probably talk about how she looked more lively than usual. But replacing Sporty who is only the only Spice Girl who can sing? When the Spice Girls sang, “Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” they weren’t just singing lyrics. They were also singing a legal oath to each other. So if Scary, Baby and Geri actually hold auditions, they’ll be breaking that legal oath. Their next reunion show will be in a prison mess hall after they’re jailed for committing an illegal act of betrayal!

Tom Hiddleston Really Could Be The Next James Bond

May 27, 2016 / Posted by:

The vaginas of Tumblr are collectively shaking. Just like how James Bond prefers his martinis.

There was a rumor that Daniel Craig was offered $100 million to play Bond two more times, but he turned down that offer, because he’s completely over wearing a tux and fake fucking Bond Girls. Or he turned it down because he has realized that money is the root of all evil and he’s giving his entire fortune away to charity before he begins his pure life in a nudist colony in the middle of the forest somewhere. If that’s the case, I’ll also be giving away my fortune (of a raggedy She-Ra action figure and a checking account with a negative balance) to join him.

But really, the site Birth. Movies. Death claims that producers have seriously begun talking to Tom Hiddleston about taking over as Bond. Shit is so serious that Tom isn’t in beginners talks, or even in intermediate talks. He’s in ADVANCED talks with producers.

Choosing words carefully, our source confirms that while talks have indeed taken place, and that Hiddleston very much wants the job (a fact of which he’s made no secret), no official offer has been made – yet.

B.M.D. thinks that either Daniel Craig has definitely hung up his Bond swim chonies for good and the role is open. Or they think that producers are talking to other actors so that Daniel Craig realizes they’re looking to replace him and signs another contract. You know, kind of like the time when you wanted to get your ex-piece to take you back, so you tried to make him jealous by showing up to the club with a hot Craigslist hustler you paid to hump on you? What? Just me? Okay.

If any of this is true, then Idris Elba is being robbed, which is very “street” of those producers.

The producers probably want Tom Hiddleston, because they know that if they include at least one scene where he exposes his ass cheeks, they’ll make $1 billion in one weekend. All of the Hiddlestoners will watch and pay to see every screening until their coochies explode, and even then, they’ll just slap a Band-Aid on it and watch the next screening. There’s also reports that Jamie Bell is in talks to play Bond. Idris Elba is my only real choice for Bond, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Billy Elliot either. I mean, imagine how Billy Elliot would stun his enemies with his jazz hands and fly kicks? Dance, Bond, dance!

Pics: Wenn.com

Neo-Nazis Heil Taylor Swift As Their Aryan Queen

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift has a lot of titles like gazillionaire pop star, sole recipient of the Taylor Swift Award, self-proclaimed lightning rod for slut-shaming, leader of a squad of mostly skinny models and Dream Phone grand champion (I’m guessing), but there’s one title she probably isn’t happy about. Taylor is apparently worshipped as an Aryan goddess by a group of neo-Nazis on the Internet. One minute you’re the target of a Hitler quotes meme and posing next to a dude with a swastika on his shirt, and the next minute you’re the Aphrodite of white supremacy.

This Ain’t Your Mama’s “Archie.” Shit, It Ain’t Even Your “Archie”

May 20, 2016 / Posted by:

The original Archie comics are about as edgy as a freshly ironed t-shirt tucked into a pair of pleated jeans. But The CW has to get the chirrun to watch their Archie TV show, so they took the original comic, smeared some black eyeliner on that wholesome trick, made it listen to a whole lot of Lorde songs and took it a David Lynch film festival where it snuck out halfway to smoke a blunt with the bad kids. The CW made Archie all *~edgy~* and *~dark~*.

Xtina’s Duet With A Hologram Whitney Houston Isn’t Creepy At All (UPDATE)

May 19, 2016 / Posted by:

On this Monday’s season finale of The Voice, they will show something absolutely nobody asked for: a duet between Christina Aguilera and a Whitney Houston hologram. Xtina sort of hinted that this was going to happen, but said she couldn’t say anything. It was supposed to be a surprise, but someone spoiled it by leaking the entire performance to the Internet. As for who leaked it….. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ghost of Nippy got revenge on NBC for doing this dark-sided shit by taking over the body of an intern and forcing them to leak it. If there’s an intern at NBC who suddenly has a stubborn doody bubble that needs popping, they now know why.

Xtina and Fake Whitney do two songs together: “I Have Nothing” and “I’m Every Woman.” Get this Hell To The No shit while you can (you may be able to find some clips here if that video comes down):

NBC must have been on a serious budget. It looks like they went to Holograms ‘R Us and when they saw the price for Whitney, they went, “errrr,” so they looked at the price for a “Katy Perry in bad Jody Watley drag” hologram and thought, “Close enough!”

UPDATE: TMZ says that the unholy duet will not see the light of TV screens. Whitney Houston’s estate apparently has eyes, because they noticed that the hologram doesn’t look anything like her and told NBC to not air it.

whitneyhologram

Getting Sharon Stone To Grace Your Event With Her Glamour Will Cost You Dearly

May 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above wearing the perfect gloves to wear if you’re planning on fisting Slimer, Sharon Stone didn’t give Cannes a taste of her A-list movie star glamour this year, because some luxury jewelry maker was too cheap to pay up. When Sharon Stone shows up to your event, the red carpet explodes into a wall of fire from all of the flashes from all of the cameras trying to get a picture of her. But you gotta pay for that kind of action.

Page Six says that the luxury jewelry brand de Grisogono held a party at the Hôtel du Cap-Eden-Roc and they wanted La Stone to bring some major star power to their event. A source says that Sharon slid them an invoice with her fee and rider on it, and they wrote the words, “You Crazy,” on it before sliding it right back. The source said this:

“She wanted $300,000 plus eight rooms at the [hotel] for a week and a private jet. They pulled out.”

Sharon’s rep tells Page Six that she never got an offer from de Grisogono. More like, never got an offer a star of her level would ever consider!

Instead of Sharon, de Grisogono got Bella Hadid and low-budget cheap whore Kim Kartrashian to come to their party. Kim got to wear a pair of their earrings but she had to give them back after the party.

Yes, $300,000 is probably more than Sharon’s last movie made, but that’s irrelevant. It’s Sharon Stone, star of a million masterpieces. She’s worth 45 Bella Hadids and 90 Kim Kartrashians, at least. Not to mention, that she also doubles as security. Since her ex-husband was attacked by a Komodo dragon, I’m sure she trained in the martial art of lizard fighting. So let’s say that a predatory lizard, like Woody Allen, crashed the party, Sharon Stone could easily take him down.

And since I mentioned Bella Hadid, here she is giving us my favorite elegant look of the festival while playing peek-a-poon with the photographers at a premiere.

Pics: Wenn.com

Robin Wright Had To Fight For The Same Pay As Kevin Spacey For “House Of Cards”

May 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Kevin Spacey’s Frank Underwood would be nothing without Robin Wright’s Claire Underwood, and I would say “vice versa,” but I’d definitely binge watch an entire Frank-less season of House of Cards where Claire just sends icy death rays at her rivals while working the hell out of a Donna Karan shift dress. Even though, Kevin and Robin’s roles are as equally as important, their paychecks weren’t equal until she pulled a Claire Underwood and demanded that those bitches pay her the same amount OR ELSE!

Not You Too, Smarmy Afghan Hound, Not You Too!

May 17, 2016 / Posted by:

The universe is a shifty bitch who gets off on playing with our emotions. One second, the universe lifts me up passed the stars by giving us Susan Sarandon dragging Woody Allen in front of a bunch of reporters. The next second, the universe drops me, and as I plummet to the ground, it kicks me in the already bruised-up culo while wearing Mexican pointy boots. That happened when one of my favorite panty cream-inducing douche lotharios, Adrien Brody, not only defended Roman Polanski, but he also defended Bill Cosby and Woody Allen. And he did it on Jenny McCarthy’s SiriusXM show. It’s a good thing that my mom isn’t like Jenny McCarthy and vaccinated me, because if she didn’t, listening to Adrien Brody defend the Unholy Trinity of Trash would’ve given me whooping cough of the ears.

So, This Is What Fox Did To “Rocky Horror Picture Show”

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

When Fox announced that they were doing a two-hour TV remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show, I just knew that they were going to take the classic and scrub out all of the dirty glitter-embedded crotch sweat from it before dipping it in bleach and dressing it up with a thick layer of polished bubblegum. Well, it looks like they did just that. Everybody should start dialing 9-1-1 to report FOX for committing premeditated butchery.

Entertainment Weekly posted the first pictures from Fox’s Rocky Horror, which isn’t live and airs this fall, and it looks more like Rudy Giuliani Presents Rocky Horror Picture Show. Above is Laverne Cox as Dr. Frank-N-Furter, and while I appreciate that they made Frank a ginge, because the world needs more ginges, the hell is that outfit, that wig and that makeup? That conservative ass outfit looks like it was pulled off of a rack at Hot Topic and everything else is too perfect. Laverne looks like she spent a long time in a chair at the MAC store and that wig looks freshly dry cleaned. Frank-N-Furter should look like sparkly shit dragged through a back alley puddle. Laverne looks too perfect. It’s like she’s posing as Frank-N-Furter in an America’s Next Top Model photo shoot. Don’t even get me started on Ben Vereen’s brows looking like felt.

After the cut is Laverne in her full Frank-N-Furter costume, as well as more pictures, and yes, it gets worse.

Presenting…Your New Movie Jesus

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

“Jesus Christ” isn’t only the name of the role that Joaquin Phoenix may play in a movie. It’s also the words I screamed out after finding out that he may play the star of the exquisite lit-up moving painting my abuelita had in her bedroom. I’m talking about her lord and savior Hay-Soos Crease-toe!

That Mary Magdalene biopic starring the living Haunted Mansion portrait Rooney Mara is really happening and it’s not a hoax. It’s going to happen and Deadline says that the filmmakers are talking to Fighting the Hot black belt champion Joaquin Phoenix about playing 33-year-old Jesus Christ. The deal isn’t done yet, because there’s scheduling issues, but director Garth Davis is hoping that Joaquin will be the JC to Rooney’s MM. I threw this up in my last post about this holy mess, but I’ll throw it up again. This MM biopic titled Mary Magdalene is being described as one of the truest cinematic portrayals of her.

It is set to be an authentic and humanistic portrait of one of the most enigmatic and misunderstood spiritual figures in history.

That description gets a Mary Magdalene eye roll from me every single time.

marymagdeleneeyeroll

But it’s wrong of me to hit that description with a Mary Magdalene eye roll, because it’s obvious that Garth Davis is working hard to really bring us the truest version of the Bible ever. I mean, in the Bible, Mary Magdalene is described as looking like the human form of a Gothic-era ghost whisper and Jesus is described as a bloated hair ball who obviously lies his age and smells like dick cheese and armpit jelly. There’s also a scene in the Bible where Mary and Jesus get into a huge fight and as he lay passed out on the couch, she cacas on him. So Joaquin is perfect!

Pic: Wenn.com

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