Some Of Us Will Have To Get Up Before 4 In The Morning On A Saturday To Watch Prince Hot Ginge Get Married
And that commemorative spoon is the perfect thing to gag myself with while watching Prince Hot Ginge marry another!
Kensington Palace continued to slowly milk out every detail about PHG and Meghan Markle’s wedding today by announcing what time she’ll begin strutting down the aisle at St George’s Chapel to suck on her new husband’s face while throwing all of us a “Stay mad, ugly whores” look. Kensington Palace announced that the second biggest British royal wedding of the century (the first being Katie Price’s wedding with Peter Andre, duh) will start at noon London times on Saturday, May 19. That’s 4am my time. That means that the workers at my nearest Krispy Kreme should expect to find a drunken, bawling gay pounding at their door at around 5:15 and begging to be let in early so he can drown his sad insides with doughnut batter.
By the way, that headline note was for me and only me, probably.
The milking of Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding details produced a tiny drop last month when Kensington Palace announced that they will get married at St George’s Chapel sometime in May 2018. It was rumored that they were going to try to steal the spotlight from dead American soldiers by getting married on Memorial Day Weekend. But today, Kensington Palace announced that PHG will marry Meghan on May 19, 2018. (They’ll announce the time at the next milking.) May 19, 2018 is a Saturday, so there goes every British person’s dream that PHG and Meghan will marry on a weekday and it will be declared a Bank Holiday. They fucked you over. Call the British equivalent of your congressman now!
Just a few days after the future Duchess of SuckIt and Prince Hot Ginge shanked, kicked, pissed on and spat at hearts everywhere by getting engaged (for being charity-doing goody goodies, they are so fucking selfish!), they worked their first waving and smiling job as a couple in Nottingham today. It’s World AIDS Day today, so Meghan Markle and PHG bestowed their royal presence upon the Terrence Higgins Trust charity fair at the Nottingham Contemporary Centre. Meghan wore a navy coat from designer Don’t Even Ask Since That Shit Is Sold Out I’m Sure and PHG also wore a navy coat. If they’re going to give us all the dry heaves by being that lovey-dovey couple who coordinates their outfits, can they please work an event in matching Speedos and crop top navy coats (it’s cold in England, I don’t want them to freeze to death)? Do something for us, the people, for once!
You would think that remaking what is arguably (to me at least) the best movie about witchcraft would be the sort of thing that would surely curse a person for life. But apparently someone at the Disney Channel isn’t afraid of a spooky black cat slipping into their office and spiking their latte with a little eye of newt. Deadline says that the Disney Channel has decided to remake the 1993 Halloween classic Hocus Pocus as a TV movie.
No awards show is complete until us, the people, raise our pitchforks and scream our nipples off over who was left out of the In Memoriam tribute. The Emmys was no exception, but the people didn’t only throw shit bombs at producers over who was left out, shit bombs were thrown over who was put in too.
Yes, of this decade. Yes, of this Earth’s decade. Yes, the Kendall Jenner you know from that semi-plastic reality television family. And no, today’s date is not April 1st. Don’t worry, I too had to double-check and make sure they weren’t talking about some charismatic alien fashion icon from a future universe that was also named Kendall Jenner.