Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

Pimp Mama Kris’ Dark Powers Are Growing: E! Signs The Kartrashians To A $100 Million Deal

February 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.

Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.

The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:

“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”

So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.

This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.

And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kylie Jenner Is 17 And Owns A House That Probably Costs More Than Yours

February 24, 2015 / Posted by:

 

This is the part of the day when we all call our sister and scream at her for not making a sex tape with Ray-J. Because if she did, we’d all be buying ugly multi-million dollar McMansions in Calabasas. Damn our sisters. So selfish!

Both TMZ and E! says that the youngest member of Pimp Mama Kris’ stable bought a $2.7 million house in a gated community called The Oaks in Calabasas, CA. The house is nearly 5,000 square feet and has 5 bedrooms. That’s 5 rooms for Chris Hansen to hide in and wait for Tyga to show up so he can pop up and ask that mess to have a seat. Kourtney Kardashian and Khlozilla both live down the street from Kylie’s new place. TMZ says that Kylie made a mountain of money from Keeping Up with the Kartrashians and is buying the house with her own money.

I didn’t know 17 years olds could buy a house, but I guess they can when their mother is a soulless whore pit viper who will gladly sign off on it. Pimp Mama Kris is probably letting Kylie move into her place, because sometimes when she’s sucking the life and blood out of her latest victim on the kitchen island, a half-naked Tyga walks in from Kylie’s room to get a cold pop. It just ruins the entire mood.

I bet Kylie’s neighbors are going to just love her. Who wouldn’t want to live next to a spoiled rich kid with 100% freedom and an entourage of hanger-ons?

And I may or may not have seen a couple episodes of KUWTK and I may or may not remember that in one of those episodes Rob had to move in with Khlozilla because he couldn’t afford to buy his own place or something. And here’s his little teenage sister dropping over 2 million on a house.  Go ahead and add “being a Kartrashian” on the short list of jobs where women get paid a lot, lot more. Well, the good news for Rob is that he has another futon to crash on when one of his other sisters kicks him out of her multi-million dollar house.

Pics: Curbed

Break Out Your Pacifiers And Pony Beads! JNCO Jeans Are Making A Comeback!

February 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Good news for those of you who are sick of your legs suffocating in an extra tight jeggings cocoon. The time has come for you to set your legs free and let them swim in a vast ocean of denim. Because JNCO Jeans are coming back! “YAAAAAASSSSSS,” screamed the manufacturers of hip replacement parts who know they’re going to push a lot of product thanks to us old bitches breaking our hips from tripping on our baggy JNCO jeans while trying to relive the glory days.

In case you couldn’t already tell from Suge Knight killing people and Missy Elliott being back on our TV screens, the 90s really are here again and so JNCO Jeans knows it’s the right time for its long-awaited comeback. JNCO was a popular clothing brand in the 90s and they made these gigantic tent jeans that ravers loved. WWD (via HuffPo) says that this week, JNCO announced their grand return at a trade show in Las Vegas. Thanks to the help of a Chinese investor, they are relaunching this fall with a bunch of styles including their signature tree trunk leg jeans. But they said that their ultra wide legs jeans won’t be as wide as they were in the 90s. They will be 23 inches wide instead of 50 inches. Still, Jon Hamm will finally be able to buy jeans that will perfectly fit the Hammaconda.

I was a wannabe raver in the late 90s for about 30 minutes and I just could never bring myself to wear JNCO Jeans. All of my raver friends tried to get me to wear them by telling me they were so comfortable and so easy to dance in. Please. Those candied crackheads only wore them because it gave them more hiding places for their drugs and they could fit an entire carton of orange juice in those pockets that were bigger than an elephant’s cooch. They weren’t for me, but I will say that there was something elegant and dainty about them. Some ravers would pick up their JNCO jeans to walk and when they did they looked like a refined Victorian lady slightly lifting the skirt of her dress to delicately walk across a small puddle so that her hem doesn’t get dirty.

With that being said, I didn’t fuck with JNCO jeans then and I’m not going to fuck with them now. But if you’re into it, then slip on some JNCO jeans, pop some E and I’ll give you a glow stick show as we both bounce to this:

Pic: The Roosevelts

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“Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is Expected To Make $80 Million In 3 Days

February 15, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: “MOM! This is all your fault!”

Speaking of moms, I spent the weekend at my mom’s house, so I didn’t get to see Fifty Squirts of Shit, because ew, I’m not going to see that with my mom, and if I did make her see it she could press charges against me for parent abuse. I didn’t see that mess, but pretty much everybody did. Deadline says it will make $81.67 million in three days and it’s expected to hit $90 million at the end of President’s Day weekend. Us Americans aren’t the only messes who want to be whipped in the eyes with Jamie Dornan’s stiff acting (I wish it was his stiff something else). Deadline also says that Fifty Shits will take in $158 million internationally after just 5 days. Right now, the worldwide opening weekend estimate is $239.7 million. When civilization ends, the elder aliens of other planets will tell their young that one of Earth’s final downfalls was that Fifty Shades of Grey made $239.7 million in its opening weekend.

Kingsman: The Secret Service will get second place at the domestic box office with $35.6 million. The Spongebob movie will land at third place with $30.5 million. American Sniper will also pass $300 million this weekend. I hope that means that the fake baby from American Sniper will get a bonus and can finally upgrade its ass implants.

Deadline says that Fifty Shits, which cost $40 million to make, has broken all kinds of records. It’s the biggest February opening since Passion of the Christ opened with $83.9 million in 2004. It also broke the record for the biggest Valentine’s Day and President’s Day weekend openings. It also beat Justin Bieber’s record for the most number of women its left disappointed and cold inside. No, I watched the local news on Friday night and they were interviewing people as they came out of the theater. 80% of them were middle-aged moms wearing Sofia by Sofia Vergara jeans. One of them kept going on and on about how much she loved it and she didn’t want it to end. Her crotch sounded like a mop being wrung out when she walked away and I prayed for her cats who probably didn’t hear the end of it when she got home.

So, see, that shit brought somebody happiness. And I’m sure the BDSM community will embrace it when doms realize that if they really want to test their subs’ pain threshold, they’ll make them watch Fifty Shades while wearing this:

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The safe phrase is: “Master, master, please take me to see Mortdecai instead. Anything but this!

So I Guess Kanye Just Watched That Nationwide Commercial

February 2, 2015 / Posted by:

But then again, that glum cunt Kanye West always looks like he just watched that Nationwide commercial.

Because the world’s biggest attention whores couldn’t miss out one of the country’s biggest events of the year, former NFL pass-around-patty Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West took their asses to the Super Bowl this weekend. Kanye performed at DirecTV’s Super Bowl pre-party on Saturday night and went to the game yesterday. Kanye at the Super Bowl is just as happy as Kanye at a house full of waffles. Kanye only smiles for Louis Farrakhan, so it wasn’t not funny to him when two bro types posed with him as though he was a goat at a petting zoo. Yeezy was not amused, but then again, who would be?

HIS FACE! I love Kanye’s grumpy face. He looks like he’s taking a messy diarrhea in a public bathroom and just noticed that there’s no toilet paper in that stall. He looks like a sad kid whose parents forgot to pick him up from school and it just started to rain. He looks like a hungover you sitting in your cubicle on a Monday staring at a picture of Kanye looking like he has the Mondays. Kanye looks like he’s pissed and throwing an internal hissy fit because his cool camouflage shirt didn’t work and people can see him.

But seriously, Kanye is probably mad because Girls and Looking weren’t on last night and he really wanted to have a late-night phone kiki with Riccardo Tisco about that shit.

And I guess last night’s theme was forcing selfies upon the famous:

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Kanye’s “fat kid on a diet” face of misery wins, but RiRi’s “I’m stoned as hell and you’re fucking with my high” side-eye comes close.

Pics: Instagram, Instagram, Twitter

Nationwide Wasn’t Trying To Sell Insurance With Their “Dead Kid” Commercial, Okay?

February 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t remember 90% of the Super Bowl commercials from last night. But in their defense, I don’t remember 90% of what I did yesterday. I remember Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance commercial because my eardrums are still chafed and raw from listening to her “Harvey Fierstein after smoking 2 packs a day for 50 years” voice and I also remember the Squarespace commercial because I don’t know whether to feel terrified or turned on while thinking of Jeff Bridges humming next to my bed. And of course, I remember the Nationwide commercial because as soon as it aired, people on Twitter freaked out and declared Nationwide the Debbie Downer of Super Bowl commercial for knocking the buzz out of everyone.

Nationwide’s commercial started out normal. They showed us a kid doing kid stuff and then the PLOT TWIST nobody wanted came when we found out he’s dead! I didn’t know that the author of The Lovely Bones wrote and created Super Bowl commercials for insurance companies. As soon as that Nationwide kid died, a meme was born.

I expected Sarah McLachlan’sAngel” to play at the very end. It was like Boyhood as directed by Lars Von Trier. Is their next commercial going to be the scene in Bambi where his mom gets shot? Since that mess of a commercial pissed off a lot of people and many didn’t know what they were trying to say, Nationwide issued a statement late last night saying that it wasn’t about selling insurance, it was about raising awareness and letting people know that kids die in household accidents:

Preventable injuries around the home are the leading cause of childhood deaths in America. Most people don’t know that. Nationwide ran an ad during the Super Bowl that started a fierce conversation. The sole purpose of this message was to start a conversation, not sell insurance. We want to build awareness of an issue that is near and dear to all of us-the safety and well being of our children. We knew the ad would spur a variety of reactions. In fact, thousands of people visited MakeSafeHappen.com, a new website to help educate parents and caregivers with information and resources in an effort to make their homes safer and avoid a potential injury or death. Nationwide has been working with experts for more than 60 years to make homes safer. While some did not care for the ad, we hope it served to begin a dialogue to make safe happen for children everywhere.

Translation: The point of Nationwide’s dead kids ad was to get people talking about Nationwide. Yes, that shit was depressing and dark, but so was the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer because it once again reminded us that Twilight fanfiction was actually turned into a multi-million dollar feature film.

And the Nationwide kid totally got his hair styled by PJ from the Ford Fusion commercial.

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Where The Hell Is The Oscar Nomination For The Fake Baby In American Sniper?

January 19, 2015 / Posted by:

But before we get into it, will somebody track down that prop baby’s agent and give them the number to a good fake baby plastic surgeon. Because that kid’s butt implant is slipping and it should use some of its American Sniper money to get that situation fixed.

I haven’t seen American Sniper yet, because I have a hard time getting into war movies and my idea of a good military movie is Private Benjamin. Besides, in American Sniper’s trailer, Sienna Miller cries into a phone and she does the same thing in Foxcatcher. A trick can only take so much of Sienna Miller crying into a phone. But I may force myself to see American Sniper so I can take in the brilliant and riveting performance of the fake, plastic baby (who I’m guessing is Chuckesmee’s little sister).

Seth Rogen’s favorite movie has made $134 million worldwide so far and all the credit for that movie’s success goes to the fake baby who delivered an emotionally raw and multi-layered performance as Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller’s kid. Not since Beyonce’s pillow bump and Kristen Stewart has an inanimate object delivered such a scene-stealing performance! Apparently, some people who have seen the movie are complaining about how cheap and fake the baby looks. It almost ruined the entire movie for them.

They don’t even use an animatronic baby. B. Coop had to move it with his fingers. The other hos in the Best Actor race can pack it up and go home, because that trophy belongs to B. Coop. Did Michael Keaton, Eddie Redmayne and the other nominees move a baby doll’s hand with their finger while keeping a serious face? I think not. THIS IS ACTING! THIS IS SKILL!

bradleycoopergifbaby

Anne Thompson, a film columnist, tells USA Today that Clint Eastwood used a fake baby, because he likes to shoot fast and he doesn’t have time for a real baby and its real baby problems:

“Basically, film professionals know that Eastwood likes to move fast on movie sets and recognize that he took the easy and less expensive route of using a fake baby — not even animatronic — that Cooper had to move himself to make it look lifelike!”

Also, Clint doesn’t like to use babies, because he wants be the only one on set who babbles incoherently.

And in related news, Pimp Mama Kris has announced that she’s starting a petition to get American Sniper stripped of its Oscar nominations and pulled from theaters. It is a sad day in Hollywood when fake babies are taking jobs away from human babies. If this becomes a trend and fake babies are hired over real babies, what are pimp moms and dads going to do for money?!

GIF: ONTD

Julianne Hough Is Sandy And Vanessa Hudgens Is Rizzo In FOX’S Grease: Live

January 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Those words put together in one sentence almost make me want to break up with my TV for good, but then I remembered that I can’t do that since Whitney is on Lifetime tonight.

The Television Critics Association Press Tour is happening this week and today was FOX’s turn to fart up news about what they’re offering up in the future. They dropped some good news in our laps by announcing that we’re getting more Cookie Lyon because Empire has been renewed. They also picked up Gotham and Brooklyn Nine-Nine for another season, and said that they’re talking about doing an X-Files reboot. Then they dropped a whole lot of NO in our laps by saying that the thorn in everyone’s taint Lea Michele will be a regular on Ryan Murphy’s new show Scream Queens, which is about a bunch of murders on a college campus. (So basically, it’s kind of like Scream the TV Show. Let’s cross our ass lips and hope that Lea’s character gets killed off in episode one.) Jamie Lee Curtis, Emma Roberts, Joe ManJello, Keke Palmer, Abigail Breslin and Ariana Grande are also in the cast. FOX also summoned a wave of WTFs by announcing that Ryan Seacrest’s ex-beard Julianne Hough and Coachella Queen Vanessa Hudgens will be Sandy and Rizzo in Grease: Live.

After The Sound of Music became a ratings hit for NBC, FOX said that they were getting into the live television musical game by doing Grease. That mess isn’t airing until January 31, 2016, but they’ve already cast two of the main roles and they said they’re working on casting Danny.

I guess there are worse things FOX could do. They could’ve cast Lea Michele in all the roles in Grease. You know she pitched that.

I can kind of sort of see Vanessa Hudgens, who is currently Broadway-bound in Gigi (???), as Rizzo. She miiiiight be able to pull off playing everyone’s favorite bitchy high school tramp. But Julianne Hough as Sandy? Did FOX not learn anything from watching Julianne Hough in Rock of Ages? A pile of oatmeal flakes could’ve brought more charisma to that role than Julianne Hough did. And I guess in FOX’s Grease, Sandy’s got that Benjamin Button’s shit, because that’s the only way to explain Julianne Hough, who is the same age as Vanessa, playing a high school student.

Were Courtney Act and Bianca DelRio not available to play Sandy and Rizzo? If FOX wanted to keep it in the FOX family, they should’ve cast Lisa Simpson as Sandy and Cookie Lyon as Rizzo.

Brian Williams Saw His Daughter’s Salad Tossing Scene In Girls

January 12, 2015 / Posted by:

During the season premiere of Sex and the City’s hipster snowflake cousin Girls last night, a dude’s mouth traveled to Peter Pan’s No No Land and we got to watch it. How lucky for all of us. It’s just salad tossing, so I wasn’t shocked or scandalized, but I was shocked that it wasn’t Lena Dunham getting her ass eaten while eating a burrito bowl over the sink.

At the premiere party for Girls, Allison Williams talked to Vulture about the scene where her character and Desi get into some butt fun in the kitchen. Allison says that they used Spanx, two thongs and period pads to protect her butt parts from Desi’s mouth and nose. Allison’s dad Brian Williams was also at the premiere party and he watched the scene with his daughter. “Aw, that reminds me of the first time Kimmy and I watched the dailies of her first sex tape together” said Pimp Mama Kris. Brian told Vulture that the scene didn’t make him cringe on the inside at all, because he knows that fake butt munching is all part of show business and watching Allison in Girls is his family’s job.

“She’s always been an actress. For us, watching her is the family occupation and everybody has to remember it’s acting, no animals were harmed during the filming, and ideally nobody gets hurt.”

Brian wasn’t bothered, but Allison’s cast mate Jemima Kirke was. Jemima told UsWeekly that she almost barfed up her insides from watching Brian Williams watch his daughter get motorboated in the ass:

“I sat behind Allison and her dad and I was going to puke. I was so nervous. I don’t even know him, but can you imagine? Watching a kissing scene with my dad next to me is awful, let alone with you getting — whatever that’s called — motorboated in your ass!”

If you watched that scene last night and wondered if Brian Williams watched it, you now have your answer. Fatherly pride filled Brian Williams’ heart as he watched his daughter get her butt filled with a dude’s face.

Gawker has the clip if you haven’t seen it and want to. There’s a GIF of it after the cut. Allison Williams’ nalgas should get a special Emmy for shaking like that and the dude who plays Desi should also get a special Emmy for wiping his mouth afterward. That was an artistic touch!

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Marilyn Monroe Is The New Face Of Max Factor

January 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, I hope this leads to Frank Sinatra’s peen becoming the new dick of Trojan Magnum condoms.

When Dove chocolates used black magic (read: CGI) to bring Audrey Hepburn back to life in one of their commercials, I just knew it would lead to more companies using dead Hollywood legends to hawk out their products. Max Factor is the latest company to pull some Misty Day shit by bringing back a dead person for an ad campaign.

Max Factor turns 80 this year and to celebrate their birthday, they’ve named one of their most famous clients Marilyn Monroe as the face of their new campaign. “Marilyn Monroe” will star in a bunch of print ads and commercials for Max Factor. Even in death, Marilyn Monroe is making more money than most hos. Marilyn Monroe can’t wear Max Factor makeup anymore since, you know, she doesn’t have a face, so they had to use old pictures. Max Factor (the company, not the person, he’s dead too) released a statement to Glamour where they reminded everyone that he’s the one who dyed her hair blond and said that they still sell some of her favorite shades.

“Norma Jean entered his [Max Factor's] Blonde Room in the late 1940s as a brunette, and thanks to Mr. Max Factor emerged complete with platinum blonde hair, a beauty look fit for Marilyn Monroe.

It is the ultimate look that defines glamour – nothing else compares. Ruby Tuesday, inspired by one of Marilyn’s favourite Max Factor lipsticks, is still my go-to red today for an instant shot of glamour, and continues to be one of the most popular shades for both make-up artists and real women. It’s the ultimate glamorous red.”

I doubt Marilyn Monroe would approve of this nonsense after what happened last year. It’s probably all kinds of awkward up in heaven because Marilyn Monroe has been giving Max Factor the silent treatment ever since his company did her dirty. Last year, Goopy Paltrow was the face of Max Factor and they did her up as several Hollywood icons including Marilyn Monroe.

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That was an unforgivable sin and Marilyn Monroe should never forgive Max Factor for that.

And is Max Factor trying to out themselves as necrophiliacs? I mean, last year the face of their brand was a trick who is dead inside and this year it’s an actual dead woman.

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