Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

File Under “Why?”: Gillian Anderson Recently Asked Chris Martin Out On A Date

April 23, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s literally the exact same face I make any time someone tells me they think Justin Bieber is “just misunderstood.” And I’m not sure why she’s making it, but Gillian Anderson might find herself making that same face during a post-fuck conversation in the future that starts with the words “Wanna see my scarf collection?” According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail), there’s a pretty good chance that might happen, because Scully recently asked Chris Martin on a date. Today I learned: insomnia is very real and those who suffer from it will do anything to cure it. No! Maybe she just really likes drowsy singing types?

A “source” (Scully’s hot baldy boss Walter Skinner, I hope) said 46-year-old Gillian and 38-year-old Chris Martin are an “unlikely combination” but have “definite chemistry.” Sure, but what about…you know…Chris Martin’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence? Maybe she’s cool with it because she’s a hard-core X-Files fan from way back who has always dreamed of a three-way with Scully.

Of course, neither Gillian not Chris Martin’s people have yet to comment on their possible date. But I’m sure the truth is out th-NO ALLISON! You got this far without making a hackey X-Files joke, you don’t have to start now.

In the meantime, don’t expect to see Chris’ ex-wife (or as she probably calls herself, his former executive espousal consort) Gwyneth Paltrow getting jealous and rushing to one-up him by smug-arming Fox Mulder into a quickie marriage. Comic Book Guy’s culinary-world cousin Mario Batali told the NY Daily News that he doesn’t think his pal Goopy will ever get married again. Oh, that’s sad. I was really hoping to find out what Goopy-sounding snobby person term Gwyneth would invent for her second marriage. You’re right – it wouldn’t be a marriage; it would be a later-in-life union of elevated souls or something.

The Full House Revival Is Really Happening And The Summary For It Sounds…..Err..

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans  to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.

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The Difficult Brown Really Is Somebody’s Father

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.

Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!

Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.

What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Louis C.K. Is Sorry For That Time He Hissed At Sarah Palin On Twitter

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Way back in 2010, comedian and hot Ginger daddy (don’t judge me) Louis C. K. composed a series of drunken tweets on an airplane, one of which was directed at living Bumpit Sarah Palin. Although to be fair, who isn’t guilty of getting drunk and tweeting shit about Sarah Palin? Let he who is without tweet against that dumb shit from Alaska be without…something something…cast the first stone (oh Jesus, speaking of getting drunk on an airplane, it appears I’m still whatever the word for jet lagged + hungover is). Louis C.K. had referred to Sarah Palin as a “fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl“. No offense to the real Wonder Girl, I’m sure.

Five years later, Louis C.K. tells Howard Stern (via People) that he’s sorry for ever calling her a fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl. Louis was approached by Sarah Palin at the SNL 40th Anniversary after-party in February because Sarah said her nephew, who was her date that night, told her that she had to say Hi to Louis C.K. and that he’s the one guy she had to meet. That’s when, according to Louis, “something came over me emotionally” and he apologized. Louis also told Howard he’s never apologized for any of his jokes before that night.

And just like a broken spring in a Whac-A-Mole game, Sarah Palin popped out of her hole in Wasilla to add to his story. Sarah tells People that she was “sincerely humbled” that he would apologize and laughed it off, because she hadn’t even heard what he’d said about her. Yeah right. As if Sarah Palin hasn’t ever switched internet providers in order to handle the bandwidth required for her to examine every single one of her Google alerts that contain the words “Sarah Palin” plus several expletives.

Louis C.K. also added that Sarah Palin invited him to come fishing with her in Alaska. Don’t do it Louis! It’s a trap! First she gets you in a boat in the middle of nowhere with the promise of fish, then Joe the Plumber pulls up on a Sea-Doo, she hops out of the boat, and they speed away, leaving you all alone with nothing but a thin piece of tin between your ass and an ice alien from The Thing.

It’s A Sad, Dark, Scary Day For Gold Diggers Everywhere

April 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Today, gold diggers everywhere are liquidating all their gifts from their married sugar daddies and sugar mamis and hiding that money far, far away, because a disgusting, gross, unjustified, anti-gold digging precedent has been set! Gold diggers better make sure that all gifts from their married pieces come in the form of cash and are off the books. Gold diggers better tattoo the words “CASH ONLY” over their fuck parts, because the game has been threatened.

The Associated Press reports that V. Stiviano, the visor-wearing gold digging alien who exposed former Clippers owner Donald Sterling as a racist, bloated wart that fell off of Jabba the Hutt’s asshole, has been ordered by an anti-gold digger judge in Los Angeles to give back the millions he gave to her as gifts. Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly Sterling became gold digger enemy #1 when she demanded in a lawsuit against V. Stiviano that all of the gifts her husband gave his side piece be returned to her. Donald bought V. Stiviano all kinds of lavish shit like fancy cars, a $1.8 million house in Beverly Hills, designer purses, jewelry, stocks, etc… etc… Shelly was not fucking around, because in the list of gifts in dispute she included a $1 donation to St. Jude’s and a birthday cake. Shelly claimed that Donald gave V $3.6 million in gifts since 2010. She asked a judge to force V to repay $2.8 million of that. The judge sided with her.

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As We All Throw A Suspicious Look At That Pranking Bitch Jimmy Kimmel….

April 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Last night, the Internet asked “Is Dennis Quaid back on the bad shit?!” when a video of his b-hole spitting out hot steam as he yelled at someone on a set made the rounds. The video magically appeared last night and it shows Dennis losing his mind, freaking out and screaming at everyone. Maybe he just watched that video of his brother Randy Quaid tongue boning Evi Quaid’s twat box, because I had the same reaction after watching that torture device for the eyes. Dennis goes all David O. Russell and calls a dude “a dopey dick,” says that he’s got a bunch of pussies staring at him (Side note: I totally pictured this staring back at him when he said that) and he hates on a fucking baby. It’s always the fucking babies. It was probably the fake baby from American Sniper, because I’m sure that fake baby is a real egotistical asshole now that it’s been in a hit movie.

If you can’t watch the video, I’ve thrown up a transcript of all the fuck words that flew out of Dennis Quaid’s anger hole. But you should really try to watch the video if you want to feel the tips of your nips get hard while watching him go off. Who knew that watching Dennis Quaid curse a ho out would do things to me?

“What the fuck? Keep going. I AM ACTING HERE and this dickhead wanders onto my set. I can’t even get a line out until Dopey the Dick starts whispering in your ear and you’re not even watching anymore. Don’t fucking ‘Dennis’ me! I AM DOING MY JOB HERE! I AM A PRO! This is the most unprofessional set I have EVER been on. This is horeshit! I’ve got these zombies over here I’ve got to look at. I’ve got a bunch of pussies staring at me and this FUCKING BABY. This is garbage! Blow me.”

And here’s the video:

Because everything on the Internet is fake and cannot be trusted, people put up a magnifying glass to this video almost immediately. A Redditor claimed that he works on Jimmy Kimmel Live and said this video is a 100% prank from the mind of Jimmy Kimmel. Other Redditors tried to find out what Dennis Quaid is filming right now and they came up empty. Shooting in portrait mode is an authentic touch, but Dennis’ rant is a little too perfect and it feels like an ABC Family reboot of Christian Bale’s legendary “WE’RE FUCKING DONE PROFESSIONALLY” meltdown. Also, when Dennis calls someone a “Dopey Dick,” nobody in that room laughs their tonsils out. That’s a natural reaction to Dennis Quaid calling anybody a “Dopey Dick,” so that’s suspect. But what’s really suspect is that when Dennis says, “blow me,” at the end, not one ho says, “Okay, yeah, I volunteer as tribute.” That doesn’t make any sense! Because when Dennis says, “blow me,” you take that as an invitation and immediately put on your dick-sucking bib.

So, Madonna Sucked Out Drake’s Life Force At Coachella Last Night

April 13, 2015 / Posted by:

Whore herself to every app ever made? CHECK! Join dark forces with the Avengers of the Illuminati? CHECK! Do stand-up on The Tonight Show? CHECK! Siphon the soul out of a young bitch during a Satanic ritual in the desert? CHECK!

Just when I thought that Madge had pulled every STUNT QUEEN stunt imaginable to sell copies of her album, she reached deep and pulled out another one that nobody (including Wheelchair Jimmy) wanted. Madge was the surprise guest during Drake’s set at Coachella last night and before she left the stage to find another young star’s soul to eat, she wrapped her mouth around his and got his life. Suck that soul out, Madge! The whole moment was very “Next time on Extreme Cougar Wives…” If Wheelchair Jimmy was in on it and this is his way of trying to get Amanda Bynes to finally, once and for all, stop bothering him about leaving a chalk outline around her vagina, it worked. Because not only did Drake’s insides dry up, but so did Amanda Bynes’ thirst for Drake.

If you haven’t yet stretched your cringe muscles while watching Madge get all Inca the Mummy Girl on Drake, here you go:

And this is the classic face Drake made after getting a taste of melted plastic, virgin’s blood, boy toy ass juices, Polident for Grillz and desperation:

madgegifcoachella2

Drake looks like he just sucked off Johnny Depp and wasn’t ready for all that cheese.

Madge doesn’t give any fucks (or maybe she gives TOO much fucks), so after she became a meme, she let everyone know that she isn’t bothered feeds off of their hate. Madge doesn’t care now, but she will care in a few weeks when Drake tries to hit her up for alien support money. Because when the egg that Madge implanted in Drake’s body finishes gestating, a Vaudevillian demon alien is going to rip its way out of his stomach and who the hell is going to take care of it?

Lindsay Lohan Has Shit All Over White Oprah’s Celebrity Big Brother Dreams

April 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Any trick who says that getting contact drunk isn’t possible has never gotten drunk while staring at that picture.

The producers of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK must have sprained every muscle in their arm, because they have climbed to the top of the highest ladder and are reaching far for the brightest, biggest and A-listiest stars of Hollywood. Case in point: They want Lindsay Lohan’s former pimp Dina Lohan to join the cast. So yeah, when I said that they are reaching for the stars, what I meant is that they are going way beyond the bottom of the barrel. They have picked up the barrel, turned it around and are picking off the worms that cling to its bottom. They might as well change the name of Celebrity Big Brother to Not Even Close To A Celebrity Big Brother.

A source tells TMZ (FYI: “A source” in Latin means “Dina Lohan“) that White Oprah really, really wants to do Celebrity Big Brother, but Lindsay Lohan really, really wants her to turn it down. White Oprah apparently called LiLo on Thursday to tell her the news and you’d think she’d be happy. I mean, White Oprah finally got an actual job that pays actual money for a few weeks. But LiLo isn’t having it. LiLo feels like she’s finally gotten her shit together and if White Oprah comes to England, that mess will fuck it all up for her. LiLo thinks that her mom is a bad luck charm and that foolery follows her wherever she goes. They fought over the phone and then continued to slap at each other through texts.

White Oprah doesn’t think that LiLo can ban her from a country, so she’s planning to go to England anyway.

I see what’s really going on here. It’s pure jealousy at work. How dreadful. LiLo is obviously mad that the producers asked her mom instead of her. LiLo’s thoughts continue to be powered by delusion. Why would the producers ask her? They would never get insurance and they’d have to build a hospital next to the CBB house to treat all the bitches who LiLo hits on the head with a bottle. Besides, White Oprah’s grace, elegance, sophistication and charismatic star power will really class that show up!

And well, we can expect England to declare war on America for sending not one, but two, cracked out messes of mass destruction.

Don’t Even Think Of Going Near George Clooney’s Lake Como Villa Unless You Want To Be Hit With A $550 Fine

April 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Roberto Pozzi, the mayor of Laglio, Italy, has let the paparazzi, fans and other unwanted tricks (see: Sarah Larson looking for a loan) know that the land around George Clooney’s villas in Lake Como are now protected by the law and if a bitch so much as touches the sacred grounds around Villa d’Smuggy, they could be slapped down with a €500 fine. I would post pictures of George Clooney’s villas, but if I did and you looked at them, you could find a bill for $550 in your inbox.

The Telegraph says that Mayor Roberto Pozzi issued an ordinance stating that anyone who gets out of their car or boat while within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be labeled dirty trespassers and could face a €500 fine. George and Amal Clooney are reportedly going to spend a piece of their summer in Lake Como, so the mayor wants to make sure that nobody bothers them. The mayor issued a similar ordinance last year.

Oh, THE RICH and THE FAMOUS! They get the mayor to issue an ordinance that keeps away pesky tricks while us peasants have to have to shut out mouths and crawl around on the floor while waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking at our front door to get the hint and go away.

The paparazzi must be so confused and hurt over George kicking them in the asshole like this. They miss the happier days of his STUNT QUEEN wedding extravaganza in Venice when his publicist would give them the exact location of his whereabouts. They were there for him then and this is how he repays them?! Hurtful and rude! But seriously, I doubt a fine is going to keep the paps away. If the mayor really wants the paps to stay away, he should issue an ordinance stating that anyone who steps foot within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be thrown into a jail cell where they will be forced to watch Batman & Robin while sober. Not even the damn roaches and rats would go near his villas.

David Lynch Is Walking Away From That Twin Peaks Reboot

April 6, 2015 / Posted by:

When it was announced back in October that David Lynch was digging up Twin Peaks for a nine-episode third season on Showtime, it was like Santa and the Easter Bunny and Floyd the Fantastic Flag Day Goblin all got together and gave me the greatest gift I would ever receive. And then yesterday, it was like they snuck into my house and yanked it all away along with my furniture and clothes and booze and left me with NOTHING. On Sunday, David Lynch announced on Twitter (via EW) that he was saying Bye, Bitch (or Chtib, Eyeb if you’re The Man from Another Place) because it was turning into a low-budget shit show:

DavidLynchTweet

He then went on to say that he had called everyone involved to tell them he’d quit, and that Showtime was still planning on going through with the Twin Peaks reboot. In response to David Lynch packing up his shit and leaving, Showtime released the following statement:

“Showtime also loves the world of Twin Peaks and we continue to hold out hope that we can bring it back in all its glory with both of its extraordinary creators, David Lynch and Mark Frost, at its helm.”

Yeah, unless that hope smells like thousands of dollars, I don’t think he’s coming back.

Obviously a David Lynch-less Twin Peaks will be a giant pie-scenetd MESS, but it still needs to happen. There are some horny hos out there who get the hots for Agent Dale Cooper (raises hand), and to deny them new faptime/taptime material would be a crime against humanity. If Showtime doesn’t have the budget for Twin Peaks, and it sounds like they don’t, they could always save money by doing a couple cross-over episodes with Showtime’s Gigolos. I think I speak for all of us when I say nobody would have a problem watching Agent Cooper job shadow former Hot Slut Brace the Face for an entire day.

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