Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

People Magazine Names Kate Upton Their Sexiest Woman Alive

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Because what the world really needs is another award show where famous types get their assholes sucked, the 1st annual People Magazine Awards happened in L.A. last night. I watched it for about 45 seconds last night, but I quickly changed the channel, because I can only handle so many award shows in one season and I’m saving myself for the much classier and relevant Weekly World News Awards.

During last night’s show, People named Kate Upton as their Sexiest Woman Alive. People is really getting creamy for blondes this year, I see. Kate Upton accepted her trophy while dressed up like a conservative dominatrix secretary. That shit’s not sexy at all! Where were her magnificent chichis? How is she going to accept an award for being the Sexiest Woman Alive while not dressed sexy at all? But in Kate’s defense, I’m sure she didn’t know she was going to win, because it’s not like her publicist “bought” that meaningless title with promises of future EXCLUSIVES. It took workers nearly 2 hours to peel Kate Upton’s face off of the ceiling. She screamed it off after she won that award. She was THAT surprised.

Poor Angelyne, Bai Ling, Charo, La Tigresa Del Oriente, Phoebe Price, Detective La Toya Jackson and Shauna Sand. They’re women, they’re alive (mostly, I think) and they produce a zillion times more natural sexiness than Kate Upton does. ROBBED doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And Jennifer Aniston won Movie Performance of the Year at the People Magazine Awards, so she’s pretty much a lock for that Best Actress Oscar. You know what they say, a People Magazine Award leads directly to OSCUH! Sorry, Julianne.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sony Officially Kills “The Interview”

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

After all of the major movie theater chains dropped The Interview like they were Britney circa 2006 and The Interview was SPF, Sony has decided that there’s no reason to release that bad decision to the 3 theaters in the country who will show it. They have scrapped all plans to release that mess on Christmas Day and learned the hard way that James Franco ruins EVERYTHING! Annie, however, is still opening on Friday as scheduled.

Here’s Sony’s full statement via Deadline:

In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.

Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale — all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome.

Meanwhile, in the basement of her mansion, “computer noviceSt. Angie Jolie picked up the phone, dialed Universal and said, “Mission accomplished. The #1 spot at the box office is ours to lose now! Blelehehehehe!” Hackers was a documentary.

No, CNN reports that “law enforcement sources” tell them that the hackers are working for North Korea and the order came from the top. I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I can’t believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Can’t Dennis Rodman just whisper, “Baby, don’t be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,” into Kim Jong-un’s ear as they spoon?

Well, That Escalated Quickly. Really Quickly. (UPDATE)

December 16, 2014 / Posted by:

So far, the Sony Hack has been mostly fun, games, fuckery, saint-bashing, Leo-trashing and Channing Tatum going full Channing Tatum. But the Sony Hack just made a sharp left turn onto the Shit Got Real expressway. Deadline says that a threatening note that is believed to have come from the hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, was released today and in it, they say that some not-so-peaceful shit will happen in theaters showing The Interview on its opening day, December 25th. DAMN. They really don’t want people to see The Interview. If they want to keep people from seeing that shit in theaters, they should just email everyone a link to the trailer, because that’s what convinced me that I can’t watch that movie unless I’m lying on my own couch with a vaporizer straw shoved in my mouth.

The hackers recently promised a “Christmas surprise” and Deadline’s “sources” figured that meant they’re planning to leak The Interview in full on the Internet to keep people from paying to see it in theaters. But according to their threat, their “Christmas surprise” is a zillion times more disturbing.

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

THE SONY!

North Korea has already denied being involved in the hack. That note reads like I’m supposed to think it was written by someone who wants us to believe it was written by a North Korean using Google translate. Are they pulling some reverse psychology shit on us?

I can’t believe this is over a stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I was going to say that this could be some elaborate publicity stunt from Sony and STUNT QUEEN master general James Franco, but if it was there’d be a lot more leaked emails saying that he’s the greatest actor and artiste of our generation. There’d also be a lot more leaked pictures of him being naked with Seth Rogen, because he can’t get enough of that.

UPDATE: Seth Rogen and James Franco have canceled all of the press they were supposed to do this week for The Interview. Also, Homeland Security said that the threat isn’t credible.

Queen Aretha Sang Happy Birthday To Taylor “Beautiful Gowns” Swift

December 12, 2014 / Posted by:

The New England Journal of Medicine recently published studies (no, it didn’t) that claimed that watching the video where Queen Aretha Franklin subtly shades Taylor Swift can add months, if not years, to your life. It’s more life-lengthening than drinking a glass of red wine a day or eating blueberries or fucking. Hell, it’s more life-lengthening than eating blueberries while getting a red wine enema as you fuck.

During an interview with the Wall Street Journal last month, the mistress of shade was asked to say a few words about female singers on the scene today and when Taylor Swift’s name came up, the only thing she said was, “Great gowns, beautiful gowns.” It was shade cooked to perfection. Queen Aretha and the beautiful gown wearer came face to face at Billboard’s Women in Music luncheon in NYC today. Taylor’s body turns 25 tomorrow (the 13-year-old girl that lives inside of her turns 14) and so Queen Aretha was charitable and kind enough to serenade the human Lalaloopsy doll with “Happy Birthday” as Jessie J, Ariana Grande Latte, Hayley Williams and others watched. Queen Aretha pretty much maxed out the IRS’ allowed charitable donations with this act of pure kindness. via Billboard

I wish that Grumpy Cat’s human memaw Cissy Houston was in the background rolling her eyes and looking seventy shades of bored. I’d like to think that after she sang for a lesser, Hateretha lived up to her nickname by saying, “And THAT’S how it’s done, trick! Beautiful gown, by the way” before dropping the mic and exiting stage left.

Pics: Wenn.com

Angelea From ANTM Is Suing Tyra Banks For $3 Million

December 11, 2014 / Posted by:

During the finale of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars in 2011, Tyra Banks announced that one of the three finalists, my favorite Angelea Preston, had been kicked off of the show and wasn’t eligible to win the grand prize of a spread in a Sears circular and an all-expenses paid trip to Paris (TX that is) to walk in a Rue 21 fashion show. No, the prize was a spread in Vogue Italia and a $100,00 contract with Covergirl. Angelea’s disqualification became a greater mystery than “What the hell kind of drugs is Tyra on?” The show never said why Angelea was booted and Angela herself didn’t talk about it for a while. We later found out that Angelea got ejected from the show for being an escort and now she’s getting revenge by suing the shit out of Tyra.

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One Step Closer To OSCUH: Jennifer Aniston Gets A SAG Nomination

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston’s house boy Justin Theroux better add an extra tequila shot to her morning Tequila Sunrise and quickly make a bunch of congratulations cards from her Cabbage Patch Dolls, because there’s some celebrating to do. Jennifer Aniston’s hustling for Oscar game is paying off. The 21st SAG Award nominations were announced today and Jennifer Aniston got one for Cake (aka The One Where Rachel Is Sad And Doesn’t Wear Makeup).

Kaley Cuoco just called her agent this morning and screamed at them to get her a movie role where she can go SANS FARDS and wear rubber scars on her face, because if Jennifer Aniston can get a SAG nom for Best Actress so can she. Aniston was nominated along with Felicity Jones (The Theory of Everything), the perfect Julianne Moore (Still Alice), Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl) and Laura Jeanne Poon (Wild). Some think that Jessica Chastain (A Most Violent Year) and Marion Cotillard (Two Days, One Night) were ROBBED. The Golden Globe nominations are coming out tomorrow and Aniston’s name could show up in there too. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Oscar hos nominated her for Best Actress and also nominated St. Angie Jolie for Maleficent just so they can milk the shit out of Aniston vs. Jolie round 2. I hope that my new favorite Hollywood super villain Scott Rudin takes a break from eating his breakfast of kitten heads in a bowl to buy a full page ad in Variety where he’ll congratulate Aniston for her nomination. His quote will read: “Jennifer Aniston Is A Maximumly Talented Down-To-Earth Angel.

The rest of the nominations are after the cut. Naomi Watts got one for St. Vincent for some reason and so did Meryl Streep because she’s Meryl Streep.

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Marky Mark Wants To Be A Cop

December 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Jenny McCarthy’s brother-in-law (that has to be the meanest thing I’ve ever called someone) wants the Governor of Massachusetts to pardon his arrogant piece of shit ass for the time in 1988 when he hit a man in the head with a 2X4 and blinded another man with his fist while spitting out racial slurs. Marky Mark said in his application that he wants the pardon so he can get a concessionaire’s license in CA for Wahlburgers and he wants his record cleaned so he can show the at-risk-youth he works with that they can turn their life around. But TMZ says that the real reason Mark Mark wants a pardon is because he wants to be a reservist with the LAPD. Someone asked me the other day if I ever planned to move back to NYC and I said I’d think about it if my mom agreed to move and if they FINALLY got an In-N-Out. Well, if Marky Mark gets a police badge from the LAPD, I’ll bribe my mom into moving with promises of meeting Dr. Oz and I’ll chain an In-N-Out to my car before hitting the gas hard and never looking back.

A source tells TMZ that Marky wants to join the LAPD as a reservist, but the felony on his record is keeping him from being able to handle a gun legally. Boston.com reports that in Marky’s application, he says that he’s become close with members of the LAPD, but he can’t get positions in law enforcement because of his convictions. The LAPD’s website says that a reservist gets the same training as a police officer and works alongside them. A reservist is a volunteer position so they don’t get paid.

In my first post about this mess, I wondered if Marky Mark ever apologized to Hoa Trinh and Thanh Lam, the two men he viciously beat when he was 16. The entitled shit stain said in an interview in 2006 that he never asked for forgiveness, because after a while the “guilt” went away and he’s able to sleep at night on the grounds of his understated little bungalow. Yes, he’s really changed into an upstanding, gold hearted citizen who cares about others.

The world never needs Officer Marky Mark in it, but right now it really doesn’t need Officer Marky Mark. Shit is bad enough. But on one hand, if Mark Mark became a reservist, he’d have less time to spend on making  crap movies that terrorize humanity. On the other hand, the thought of Officer Marky Mark patrolling the streets with a baton in one hand and a gun in the other makes me want to invest in a bulletproof armored helmet.

Do The Bronies Have An Alibi?

December 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Can’t the Furries have a dry hump and hug orgy without worrying about getting gassed to death?!

Over the weekend, an evil doer or group of evil doers overtook Miley Cyrus’ ass as the Furries’ number one enemy when they intentionally unleashed chlorine gas inside of the Hyatt Recency O’Hare (that pun writes itself) in Rosemont, Illinois during the MidWest FurFest convention. The Chicago Tribune says that the fire department was called to the Hyatt at around 12:40 on Sunday morning after several guests complained about a “nitrous odor” taking over the 9th floor. Thousands of people were evacuated from the hotel after hazardous materials technicians discovered chlorine gas in the air. 19 people who complained about having the heaves and dizziness were hospitalized. Technicians found chlorine powder in the stairwell at the 9th floor. Because of the way it was released, police believe that a furry-hating piece of trash tried to commit furry genocide.

It took technicians about two hours to fully decontaminate the area and make it safe for the Furries to frolic once again. Everyone was let back into the Hyatt at 4:20 in the morning. Yes, 4:20, the perfect time for them to cleanse the air of all that doom with clouds of the good shit. The Rosemont police said they are treating the gas leak as a crime and have launched an investigation. Yesterday morning, the Midwest FurFest released a statement telling everyone that they don’t have to zip up the crotch part in their costumes, because the fun and furriness must go on.

As we wake up today we want to continue to provide the best possible convention that we can, despite the trying circumstances. The convention will be running on a full normal programming schedule today. We ask you to continue to be patient, and remember that the volunteers who make Midwest FurFest happen intend to give 110% to make sure that the fun, friendship, and good times of Midwest FurFest 2014 overshadow last night’s unfortunate incident.

To dispel rumors: Because this was an unforeseen possibly criminal act, Midwest FurFest will not be offering refunds, nor will the Hyatt Regency O’Hare be comping any rooms.

Well, if you have to stand out in the cold for a few hours, you might as well do it in a Furry costume.

Imagine standing outside of the Hyatt at 1 in the morning and watching a flurry of Furries run toward you in a panic. You’d punch your head and curse yourself out for doing all that acid as a teenager.

The only good thing to come out of this senseless attack against the Furries is the media’s reaction after finding out what a Furry is:

Mika Brzezinski obviously QUIT THAT BITCH, because all this time she didn’t know there was a community of people into the same fetish she’s into, so she ran off to join them.

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Jennifer Aniston Pranked BBC Radio 1′s Chris Stark With An Awkward As Hell Interview

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Chris Stark, who you may or may not know as the star of that awkwardly charming Mila Kunis interview, once again found himself in the middle of an awkward BBC Radio 1 interview with Jennifer Aniston, except this time it wasn’t so much charming as it was deeply cringeworthy. Us Weekly says Chris’s boss Scott Mills spoke to Jennifer Aniston before the interview and convinced her to help him pull a prank on Chris by reacting to every one of his questions with a face full of NO. And she did it, because if Jenny wants that Horrible Bosses 3 paycheck, she needs to first hustle the hell out of Horrible Bosses 2.

I have to give a slow clap to Jennifer Aniston, because whenever I try to prank someone (ie. every day at 4pm when I call my sister at work pretending to be the IRS) my dumb ass always end up breaking character 3 seconds in. But Jenny kept it together the whole time. It’s like she was pretending that every question he asked her was about Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, poor Chris Stark is sitting there all confused like “Bloody ‘ell, why is she so pissed? Not once have I asked her about Angelina!

And if you watch this video for anything, it should be for Chris Stark stuttering over the words “bloke’s parts” at the 4:05 mark. BLOKE’S PARTS! Thanks for the charming new term for dicks and balls, Chris!

In case you want to see what Jennifer Aniston would look like wearing a shirt made out of your mother’s living room sheers, here’s Jenny arriving to Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday:

Pics: Wenn.com

Robert Plant Denies Ripping Up An $800 Million Led Zeppelin Offer

November 10, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, this is just an excuse to once again post a picture of Robert Plant’s sleeping chinchilla bulge.

The Mirror today claimed that the head bitch of Virgin, Richard Branson, offered Led Zeppelin $800 billion to reunite and play 35 dates in 3 cities (London, Berlin and a city in New Jersey). Some source says that Richard has always been a major fan of Led Zeppelin’s and wants to see them play together again. They haven’t played together since 2007. Richard queefed up an offer that would’ve put at least $266 million into the checking accounts of Led Zeppelin’s surviving members. The source said that Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones immediately screamed, “FUCK YEAH,” and were ready to sign their names in blood because $800 million. But Robert Plant didn’t exactly cum out a stream of excitement and he ripped up the offer and fed it to his obese hedgehog bulge:

“Jimmy and John signed up immediately. It was a no-brainer for them but Robert asked for 48 hours to think about it. When he said no and ripped up the paperwork he had been given, there was an enormous sense of shock. There is no way they can go ahead without him.”

Robert Plant’s spokesbitch immediately shat all over The Mirror’s story by calling it “rubbish.” I don’t know which part is rubbish: all of it or the part where Robert Plant lost his brain and ripped up an $800 million offer?

I’m glad that The Mirror’s story is made of lies, because if it wasn’t, Robert Plant’s family would have to force him into a mental hospital since tearing up an $800 million contract is an insane act. Turning down $800 million is like turning down a hug from a puppy. You don’t do it. I’m sure many of us shameless whores would do some dirty, disgusting, unholy things for $800 million like say something nice about Kim Kartrashian or wear UGG CROCs outside.

I was going to ask if that tour would even make that $800 million back, but then I remembered that there’s a lot of old whores out there who’d cash in their 401ks, sell their children and commit some illegal acts to see Robert Plant’s tightly wrapped tamale bulge up close.

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