Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

Presenting…Your New Movie Jesus

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

“Jesus Christ” isn’t only the name of the role that Joaquin Phoenix may play in a movie. It’s also the words I screamed out after finding out that he may play the star of the exquisite lit-up moving painting my abuelita had in her bedroom. I’m talking about her lord and savior Hay-Soos Crease-toe!

That Mary Magdalene biopic starring the living Haunted Mansion portrait Rooney Mara is really happening and it’s not a hoax. It’s going to happen and Deadline says that the filmmakers are talking to Fighting the Hot black belt champion Joaquin Phoenix about playing 33-year-old Jesus Christ. The deal isn’t done yet, because there’s scheduling issues, but director Garth Davis is hoping that Joaquin will be the JC to Rooney’s MM. I threw this up in my last post about this holy mess, but I’ll throw it up again. This MM biopic titled Mary Magdalene is being described as one of the truest cinematic portrayals of her.

It is set to be an authentic and humanistic portrait of one of the most enigmatic and misunderstood spiritual figures in history.

That description gets a Mary Magdalene eye roll from me every single time.

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But it’s wrong of me to hit that description with a Mary Magdalene eye roll, because it’s obvious that Garth Davis is working hard to really bring us the truest version of the Bible ever. I mean, in the Bible, Mary Magdalene is described as looking like the human form of a Gothic-era ghost whisper and Jesus is described as a bloated hair ball who obviously lies his age and smells like dick cheese and armpit jelly. There’s also a scene in the Bible where Mary and Jesus get into a huge fight and as he lay passed out on the couch, she cacas on him. So Joaquin is perfect!

Pic: Wenn.com

Apparently, You Can Get Kicked Out Of Coachella For Being “Too Drunk”

April 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Page Six claims that Courtney Love was kicked out of the Neon Carnival on Saturday night for being “too” wasted. They could be right. I mean, look at that picture of Courtney Love. She must be on something if she’s standing there doing nothing as Ellie Goulding’s mouth is being attacked by two mutated silicone leeches! Do something, Courtney! Throw a compact at those evil things!

Courtney Love declared last year that she was Cracked Out Courtney no more and was sitting on the wagon with her seatbelt firmly attached. Courtney claimed that she was done with the sweet nectar, the good shit, the bad shit and the prescribed shit. She said that her current drug of choice is some “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo” stuff because she’s a Buddhist now. But Page Six seems to think that Courtney fell face first off of the wagon and landed directly on a pile of hipster piss at a Coachella party.

After Courtney went to see fellow mess and one-time arch rival Axl Rose play with Guns ‘N Roses at Coachella, she went to the Neon Carnival held at a nearby airport. Page Six’s source says that Courtney got so wasted that they kicked her out of there.

“She went to Neon Carnival and got kicked out for being too drunk in the VIP area,” we’re told.

Another source at the party, which is held on an airport tarmac — and was attended by celebs including Leo DiCaprio, Rihanna and Kesha — said, “She was literally falling over. It just became a little too sloppy, and she was removed. She wasn’t coherent at all.”

Are they sure Courtney was boozing it up, because isn’t she incoherent and sloppy when she’s sober too? But honestly, I didn’t think it was possible to get kicked out of a Coochella event for being “too plastered.” That’s like being kicked out of the Gathering of the Juggalos for sucking dirty dick in a Port-A-Potty while butt chugging Faygo and moonshine. If this is true and you really can get kicked out of a Coachella party for being drunk, then that’s just cruel and unusual punishment. How else do the evil doers of that event expect you to deal with messes dressed like assholes. Case in point: Bella Thorne.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

We Might Get A Batman Movie That Was Written By Ben Affleck

March 31, 2016 / Posted by:

If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that there’s no such thing as too bad when it comes to making money. Even though the reviews for Batman v Superman made it sound like the kind of bad that was in a race to the bottom of the shitty Batman movie barrel with Batman & Robin (which is truly the gold standard for shitty Batman movies), it continues to make a ton of money. As of yesterday, BvS has made more than half a billion dollars. And if something that bad is bringing in that many dollars, then of course there’s a chance Hollywood would green light a bunch more Batman movies, one of which might be a Batman movie written by Batman himself, Ben Affleck.

During a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter, one of the CEOs of William Morris Endeavor confirmed that their current favorite client Ben Affleck was signed on to play Batman in at least two more movies: Justice League One and Two. They also hinted at the possibility of seeing Batfleck for a fourth time. You know, because the only thing better than three Batman movies that pull in over half a billion dollars is four Batman movies that pull in over half a billion dollars. Apparently Ben has written a “really cool” script for a Batman movie, which may or may not be the solo Batman movie he’s directing that was announced last July at Comic-Con. No word on if he wrote it while dressed as Batman.

Ben still has to film those two Justice League movies, plus cameos, plus whatever non-superhero stuff he has planned. By the time they get around to making his Batman movie, he’s going to be pushing 50. I hope Ben is able to work his script around the possibility of Bruce Wayne now being a middle-aged dude who only does “really cool” Batman stuff on the weekends after he plays 9-holes of golf or if he wants to impress Robin’s new girlfriend.

Pic: Wenn.com

Now It’s TV Land’s Turn To Try And Reboot “Heathers”

March 16, 2016 / Posted by:

For years and years, Hollywood has been not-so-gently fucking us with a chainsaw by making plan after plan to butcher 80s cult jewel Heathers. Winona Ryder talked about a Heathers sequel that was in the works. That never happened. Jenny Bicks, a writer from Sex and the City, tried to do a reboot. That didn’t happen either. And a little over two years ago, Jenny re-worked her idea as a sequel-of-sorts and sold it to Bravo. That sort-of-sequel featured a grown-up Veronica who moved back to Sherwood with her teenage daughter and had to take on the surviving Heathers and their bitchy daughters. That was also tossed in the shit can. You’d think that maybe the powers-that-be of television would take that as a hint and leave Heathers in its original and perfect state, but no, they’re not done with it just yet.

Kristen Wiig Once Told John Goodman To Wait A Minute When He Tried To Talk To Her. JAIL HER!

March 9, 2016 / Posted by:

There are many things that are perfectly okay to swat away. Those things include annoying mosquitos, annoying mosquitos’ human cousin Taylor Swift, a relative asking you for a loan, your hungry child asking you for food while you’re trying to watch  Real Housewives of Atlanta, etc… There are also things that are not okay to swat away no matter what and one of those things is your 80s-90s TV daddy John Goodman. Kristen Wiig apparently broke that rule and I demand that she pay the price for that by spending the rest of her days on Death Row!

Nickelodeon Has Made Plans To Completely Butcher “Legends Of The Hidden Temple”

March 1, 2016 / Posted by:

When I first read the news this morning that Nickelodeon is “rebooting” their 90s game show Legends of the Hidden Temple, I nearly jumped up and did the Tootsee Roll out of excitement. (The only way to celebrate the news of the return of a 90s game show is to bust out some 90s moves.) Usually reading the word “reboot” makes me want to call the police department to file a report against Hollywood for viciously murdering another piece of our childhoods, but this one I was actually excited for. I did wonder if kids nowadays even have time to be on a game show in between bullying each other on SnapChat and begging their parents to let them get Fix-A-Flat lip injections like Kylie Jenner. And then I read the actual article at Variety

Ungrateful Workers At Kensington Palace Threaten To Go On Strike Over A Pay Cut!

February 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Shortly after this picture was taken, Prince William and Duchess Kate flew off to Bora Bora where they spent 9 days resting their wrists in a spa because they strained themselves something bad while holding that umbrella and that clutch.

It’s truly hard to find good help who are grateful that they get to be in the presence of royal greatness and won’t bitch about trivial things like paying their bills and feeding their families. Can you believe that there’s people out there who are lucky enough to work for their future King and yet they’re threatening to strike because they may get a pay cut that’ll put them below a living wage? In THE QUEEN’s day, she would’ve punished those ungrateful peasants by turning them into human leather skin jackets for her Corgis to wear.

This Explains Why I Just Heard An Annoying High-Pitched “NOOOOOoooOOOOO”

February 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Disney announced last September that they’re working on a musical sequel to Mary Poppins after massive amounts of people demanded one (read: nobody except the Disney executives who know this will make them richer want this). The Mary Poppins sequel will take place 20 years after the first movie and will use stories from P.L. Travers’ series about her ass. As soon as it was announced, everybody figured that Anne Hathaway was singing out the words, “I’m ready! I’m ready!“, while pulling up to Disney Studios in a truck full of Mary Poppins costumes she’s been saving for that very moment. I mean…

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But a few days after the Mary Poppins sequel news made the rounds, it was rumored that Emily Blunt had already been offered the role. And today, Variety says that Emily is in official talks. Meanwhile, Anne Hathaway has let out a painful shriek while doing the slow wall slide of sadness as she sees her dream role slip away. Her husband and unborn baby are letting out sighs of relief, because hopefully this news means that Anne will stop speaking in a British accent and will return the English children she rented and has been taking care of to really get into the role.

Rob Marshall is directing MP2: Umbrella Boogaloo and apparently Emily was always his first choice since he worked with her on Into The Woods. The deal isn’t done, though. Just like Anne, Emily currently has a baby growing in her body, and that may affect her decision.

While doing the media rounds promoting The Intern last September, Robert De Niro told Entertainment Tonight that “Annie” was perfect to play Mary Poppins. Anne only said that nobody’s talked to her about it (hint, hint, Disney) and she figured the role would go to Emily Blunt since Emily Blunt is British. Of course that’s not what Anne really meant. What she meant was, “Emily will get it since she’s British, but if Disney wants me to move to England and apply for British citizenship, I’ll do it! I’ll do it!” It’s okay, Anne. At least there’s still a chance that the My Fair Lady movie remake will happen and you’ll get cast in the title role. Why in the hell am I even putting that out there in the universe?

Alicia Vikander And Michael Fassbender Were Not Here For The BAFTA Kiss Cam

February 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Dear producers of the Golden Globes, please have a kiss cam at next year’s ceremony, because you know those drunk wrecks would tongue fuck like there’s no tomorrow and it’d make that show a million times more entertaining. P.S. – Make sure Idris Elba and Alexander Skarsgard are seated next to each other and make sure the kiss cam lands on them as much as possible.

At the beginning of the BAFTAs last night, host Stephen Fry told the audience that a kiss cam was making the rounds and he tried to get the famous tricks in the audience to touch lips. Even Leonardo DiCatchAHo was a good sport about it and played along. He went against everything he believes in by kissing a woman who isn’t a 24-year-old blonde bikini model. But real-life couple Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender poo poo’d on the kiss cam and refused to suck face. The moment was apparently so awkward that it got cut for viewers. Boring hos!

Each reacted with various degrees of enthusiasm: some responded with a polite peck on the cheek, an actorly faux make-out, the full goods, or an (awkward) flat-out refusal.

First victims were the only real life couple Fry preyed upon; nominees Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander. Famously private in their relationship, the pair refused to kiss for their host and left the air hanging with discomfort. So awkward, in fact, that it was cut out of the BBC One broadcast of the show.

But seriously, I’m with Alicia Vikander. If I was her and was sitting next to Michael Assbender, I wouldn’t waste my time or mess up my lipstick for the dumb, stupid kiss cam. I’d save my energy for when the suck that dick cam landed on us.

Pics: Wenn.com

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