“Hey girls, meet your new sister – Katniss Kardashian! Yes, she’s about 28 lbs too light in the ass, but I’m sure a couple visits to the Kardashian Khompound’s In-House Rump Plumper will take care of that.”
Sometime late last night, Satan’s right-hand hooker and reason for upgrading his phone plan to include call display, Kris Jenner, wrapped her hooves around America’s Fart-Ripping Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, summoned one of her minions to take a picture, and released to the internet. I’ve seen The Exorcist, I know what’s happening here – this is what it looks like the moment before you’re about to be possessed by a dark-sided social-climbing demon. (Crosses self, reaches for the holy water) I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, and an extra-large pepperoni pizza. Back away from the legitimate celebrity, Kris!
“Happy Birthday you piece of shit… God I love you #Jenniferlawrence thanks for making this night a night to remember…..even if we did get caught… I love you Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!! #Bible #momager #doll”
Somewhere in a giant pile of unsold socks, Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest earner Rob Kardashian read the words “you piece of shit” and got a little jealous.
I still have no idea what Kris Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence were doing in the same picture. I guess the only explanation I can come to is that a hungry hungry JLaw uttered the words “I’d do anything for a dozen deep-fried donut-glazed chicken wings” in her kitchen one night, at which point Lucifer appeared through a firey hole in her kitchen floor and hissed “I think I can arrange that. The only thing is, you’re going to have to do some truly despicable shit for them.” Then Lucifer escorted JLaw to a hotel room containing an iPhone and the Pimp Mistress (who took one look at JLaw, started thinking about how much attention she was about to receive, and nearly blew out the load-bearing beam in her nose by hyperventilating too hard). You know JLaw was probably like “Is it too late to sell you my soul instead?”
Reminder: This is what Syngery looked like in the Jem and the Holograms cartoon.
My thoughts exactly, Jem. Cry time, Synergy!
The newest trailer for the blasphemous and hurtful Jem and the Holograms movie was shat up onto the Internet today and for the first time we see what Synergy looks like. They took an iris and pupil-free digital goddess and turned her into some discount PC-only webcam your auntie bought on clearance at Brookstone for you for Christmas. Synergy is now just some cheap ass home movie projector. How can they turn a work of art into that crap? It’s as if someone showed you a lump of cold shit and told you that was their interpretation of Monet’s “Water Lilies.”
It feels like the makers of this cinematic bullet headed straight for the heart of 80s childhoods heard everyone scream, “THIS IS NOT MY JEM!“, after the first diarrhea puddle of a trailer was released and so they did some quick re-shoots to Jem-ify it more. It still looks like an ABC Family movie that was made for 12-year-old One Direction fans who have no idea what a Jem is.
The makers of this should be arrested and tried for the first-degree murders of Jem and Synergy!
A little over 70 guests watched HISTORY BEING MADE when they witnessed the former president of the Forever Alone Club, Jennifer Aniston, marry an actual living and breathing man. On the guest list was Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Chelsea Handler, Uncle Terry, Lake Bell, Howard Stern, Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, Jimmy Kimmel, Orlando, Bloom, Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Jason Bateman, Tobey Maguire, Whitney Cummings, Will Arnett and nearly every famous ho alive except for Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc. Jennifer Aniston needs to spend a long time in a class titled “Priorities: Learn How To Get Them Together” at the Learning Annex, because there’s something wrong when she invites Uncle Terry’s nasty smegma ass, but not Chandler and Joey, to her wedding.
As the top 10 Republican presidential candidates entertained a nation with some good old-fashioned foolery, this mess happened.
Variety says that Hillary Clinton hit L.A. last night and went to a fundraiser thrown by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun and that’s where she met the reigning fame whore rulers of the ho stroll Pimp Mama Kris, Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West. Scooter Braun AND Pimp Mama Kris?! Lord, if Hillary Clinton really wants to secure the fame whore vote, she should’ve went to a more respectable event like a fundraiser thrown by Phoebe Price and Bai Ling in front of Kitson.
TMZ says that people at the event were told to not take pictures of Hillary, but she made an exception for the Kuntrashians. Hillary posed for an Instagram portrait with PMK and became the meat in an attention whore sandwich when she posed for a selfie with Kummy Kakes and Kanye. The shit you gotta do for a vote:
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 7, 2015
Maybe Hillary posed with PMK, because it’s her way of saying that she’s got this game so locked up that she can pose with one of Satan’s mutated ass warts and still win it all.
The world of cinema nearly lost Oscar-nominated Salma Hayek after she gave birth to the daughter she made with billionaire high-fashion mogul Francois-Henri Pinault. Salma tells Allure (via ET) that after their now 7-year-old daughter Valentina Paloma was born, she wanted to turn in her resignation to Hollywood and spend her days taking care of her kid and maybe every now and again she’d use her man’s private jet to travel to a third world country to feed a parched orphan with her world-saving chichis of perfection. That dream was crushed when Salma’s billionaire piece said the words nobody wants to hear from their billionaire piece: “You have to work.” That’s a real “back up and come again, motherfucker” moment.
Send them to the gallows for this!
Poor Princess Charlotte. First, she was forced to wear her brother’s old, used lace gown to her christening and then she was forced to pose in a family portrait without Prince Hot Ginge. I see her “Why me?” head tilt in that picture. I know it well, because I do that when it’s 9pm on a Saturday night and I realize I drank the last bottle of wine in the house. Prince Hot Ginge was in Africa doing charity work, so he wasn’t able to make his royal niece’s induction into the Haus of Jesus, but that’s still no excuse for him not being in the portrait.
Between her hand waving duties and brushing her velvet locks 200 times a day, Duchess Kate could’ve taken a quick graphic design class at the London branch of The Learning Annex (They have that, right?) and Photoshopped PHG into that picture. Like this:
And I don’t even have a certificate in graphic design from the London branch of The Learning Annex. Surprising, I know. If you’re wondering why Jude Law is in that family portrait, that’s not Jude Law. It’s Duchess Kate’s brother. I know, I hardly recognized him without that hot French maid costume on his body.
Here’s more pictures, taken by Mario Testino, from Kensington Palace’s Twitter account of Princess Charlotte’s christening day. I’m slow clapping for Prince George smiling at the camera like, “Haha, I’ve got more hair than my daddy.”
Less than a week after it was announced that she would play a sexy lesbian billionaire on Empire, Variety has confirmed that 50-year-old Marisa Tomei has been cast as Peter Parker’s elderly adoptive Aunt May in Marvel’s upcoming Spider-Man movie. I hope Tina Fey, Patricia Arquette, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus had enough time to celebrate Marisa Tomei’s last fuckable day, because it appears that day is gone. Neither Sony nor Marvel had anything to say about this, but I want to believe they chose Marisa because they’re going for a late-in-life Mona Lisa Vito vibe with this version of Aunt May (both characters are from Brooklyn, so technically that joke makes sense).
In the comics, Aunt May was a frail old lady who looked like she could have given birth to Moses, so casting Marisa Tomei makes sense… not at all. Marisa seems way too young to play Aunt May. Aunt MILF, sure, but not Aunt May. To put it into perspective, the last Aunt May was played by Sally Field. And before her, it was Rosemary Harris.
But I guess Marisa as Aunt May sort of works when you compare her to Tom Holland, the kid who is playing the new Spider-Man. The new Spider-Man looks young enough for me to believe he just discovered his first armpit hair. So I suppose it makes sense that this version of Aunt May should look like she spends her nights getting buzzed on white wine and watching Fifty Shades of Grey with her book club.
Here’s the future Aunt May leaving an Armani show in Paris yesterday.
Ariana Grande Latte is even more diabolical than we thought. The girl Damien in knock-off Charo hair has already wished a painful death upon her fans and she’s responsible for unleashing the poisoned pack of Pop Rocks known as Frankie Grande Latte on humanity. But that 22-year-old demon child has gone way too far this time and she must be stopped. I thought that Grande lattes and donuts went good together but not in this case.
A pro-donut American hero gave TMZ footage from the surveillance cameras inside Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA of Ariana Grande Latte and her equally-as-disgusting boyfriend Ricky Alvarez licking donuts without paying for them. They are the Nick Jr., donut-terrorizing version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. This is some first degree donut-tainting too. It’s premeditated. In the video, the possessed Steve Madden bobblehead moves her shifty eyes around like a kid who’s about to do bad things before tonguing a donut. (“Ariana Grande tonguing a donut, you say?” – Subway Jared) It looks like Ricky does the same thing, which makes the Satanic hood rat stuff minion cackle with evil glee. Ariana and her dude also touch mouths in front of the donuts, which is just as gross.
It’s obvious that Ariana Grande Latte hates America since she terrorizes the symbol of America, donuts. But she makes it perfectly clear that she’s anti-American after an employee brings out a tray of fresh donuts. Ariana looks at the delicious, innocent donuts and says, “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.” BOYCOTT ARIANA GRANDE NOW!
The donut destroyer has already jumped on her pink Big Wheels and is backpedaling. “A source close to Ariana” tells TMZ that she loves America and didn’t mean to make fun of the obesity problem in this country (HA!):
“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”
Too little, too late. Ariana was supposed to headline the Budweiser MLB All-Star Game concert on Saturday, but she dropped out due to getting three wisdom teeth pulled. Please, like there’s any part of Ariana that has wisdom in it. Either she got dropped or the donuts fought back by giving her food poisoning.
UPDATE: The donut-ruining monster issued a longer statement to Buzzfeed about this highly important matter:
I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county*. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of* known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.
I guess she was ruining those donuts so that fat kids wouldn’t buy them and get fatter? Okay, yeah, whatever. But what I really want to know is, when is she going to apologize to the donuts and those of us who love donuts and don’t care if they make us fatter?
When you’re trying to rebuild the butter kingdom that crumbled due to the racist dingles that spewed out of your deep fried pie hole, it’s probably not the best idea to tweet a picture of your son in brownface. But since Paula Deen’s brains are made of burned grease and rancid butter mold spores, she (or someone who handles her Twitter account) tweeted a throwback picture of her as Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo (looking more like a deranged Memaw Annie) and her son Bobby Deen as Ricky Ricardo. It was quickly snatched down, but not before people took screen shots of it and passed it around everywhere. Yahoo! Celebrity says that the picture is actually from an old episode of Paula’s now dead Food Network show.
For the record, the photo itself is not a new one: it’s actually from the 2011 Halloween episode of her Food Network show, Paula’s Best Dishes.
There’s a few things confusing about that picture:
1: What in the hell kind of GD Ricky Ricardo costume is that? Desi Arnaz was never that dark and he never had a Vanilla Ice circa 2015 hairline. Bobby Deen looks more like a suburban dad in a lazy Jersey Shore costume.
2. Why would Paula Deen bring this picture out again? Hasn’t Lucille Ball been through enough?
3. Did that picture ever make the cover of Oedipus Complex Weekly? I mean, a mother and son dressed up like husband and wife. That said, I bet they were the belles of the Motherboy ball.
UPDATE: Paula Deen says that her “social media manager” is to blame and she fired them.
via Page Six
“RUN GIRL, RUUUUUUUN!” just shouted everyone with even the slightest knowledge of who Sean Penn is. Even the crusty sunburnt skin flakes gathering in Sean Penn’s forehead wrinkles are like “Like, sure, we’re close, but real talk – you don’t want any of this.”
According to Radar, Sean Penn is having a tough time letting go of Charlize Theron. Ever since she decided it was time to back away from the perpetually-angry overcooked campfire hotdog that is Sean Penn, a source says that Sean has been desperately trying to weasel his way back into her life. Apparently Sean’s brilliant plan to get Charlize back involved drunk-dialing her after a
Rolling Stones concert (correction: It was actually a U2 concert. I’ve clearly had too much birthday cake-flavoured vodka today). And just like many of us would when we hear the words “Heyyyyy….you awake?” slurred through the phone by an ex, she responded by hanging up on his sloppy ass.
“Sean had been partying with the band, and he decided to call Charlize very late — it was obvious he was feeling no pain,” says the source. “He wanted to go over to Charlize’s house, but she said no way…she refused to be a booty call!”
The source also says that before Sean rang up Charlize, he was “very much acting like a single man on the prowl.” Ew. I just pictured Sean Penn slithering up to women at that U2 after-party and whispering “Hey mama, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, and that thing is someone willing to fuck me tonight. Wait – where are you going?“