As expected, nepotism’s current pride and joy Kendall Jenner graced the cover of Vogue’s biggest issue of the year, the September issue, with her “comatose deer caught in broken headlights” eyes. This is the second time (third if you count that special “millennial” issue) that a member of Pimp Mama Kris’ koven has been on the cover of American Vogue. So I think that’s the men in white coats’ cue to pry Anna Wintour’s tongue out of the Kardashians’ asshole and drag her into a padded room. The room’s padding will be provided by Chanel, of course.
I know this joke has been made a million times (“That’s never stopped you before, bitch” – you), but Vogue should really change its name to Vague, as in I “vaguely” remember when it was a fashion bible and not a fame whore bible.
In case you couldn’t tell from the screams of the internet asking for Detective La Toya to please join forces with Detective Courtney Love to track down Orlando Bloom’s raw naked pics, the New York Daily News posted a gallery of exclusive pictures starring Katy Perry and her dick-out naked piece. But well, the NYDN threatened all of us with a good time, because they put a dreaded censor box of doom over Orlando’s peen in ALL of the pics. We’ve all been cock blocked by a black box.
Katy and Orlando are on vacation in Sardinia, Italy, and for some reason, he decided to strip down to nothing and paddleboard. I don’t know why you would want to paddleboard naked, but I’m not complaining. Get all Hedonism II in that bitch, Orly! Living the life IS sitting comfortably on your chariot as a naked Legolas paddles you around.
— NY Daily News Gossip (@NYDNgossip) August 3, 2016
If it was Jon Hamm in those pics, he wouldn’t need that paddle. The Hammaconda would steer them safely to land while fighting off any sharks that circle around them.
You can click here to see all of the censored pics if you want to. Thankfully there’s people on Twitter who are as hard-up as we are, because they’ve pointed out that you can see the shadow of what may be Orlando’s peen (but it could be his arm) in one pic. I hope Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow because that would mean six more weeks without seeing the uncensored pics.
UPDATE: I guess Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow, because Orlando’s bare peen has leaked on is all over Tumblr, and your eyes can get it (NSFW, duh) here.
I don’t think Idris Elba is too old to play James Bond. But I do think he’s too old to be showing up to a premiere dressed like an Ivy League frat boy going to a keg party in the Hamptons. A grown and mature movie star wears a tuxedo g-string to a premiere if he wants to be respected! (Shhh, just so with it.)
The noted clit tingler is currently on the Star Trek promo tour, but it should really be called the “Stop Asking Me About That Bond Shit 2016 Tour.” Because Idris’ ears have been humped with question after question about whether Daniel Craig is going to pass the
torch martini to him or not. While talking to Michael Strahan on Good Morning America (via NYDN), the Bond shit was brought up again and Idris said that he’s got too many rings on his trunk (wink wink) to play Bond.
“It is the wildest rumor in the world. I keep saying if it were to happen it would be the will of a nation because there hasn’t been any talks between me and the studio about any of that. But everywhere I go people want that to happen. If I’m really honest man, I think I’m too old for that. Running around in cars, and ladies and martinis, who wants to do that? Sounds terrible.”
He must’ve been telling jokes. Idris is 45. Daniel Craig was 47 when Spectre came out and Pierce Brosnan was 49 when Die Another Day was released. When Roger Moore shot A View to a Kill, he should’ve sprinkled wheat germ in his martinis, because he was 58 when it came out. Idris is not too old. But if Idris wants to play Bond, he just fucked himself and not in a sexy way. The producers really aren’t going to hire him now. They’re going to assume that he’s on the bad shit again. I mean, who says that a man is “too old” for a role in a Hollywood movie? They don’t even know what those words mean in Hollywood. That’s crazy talk!
And here’s more of Idris bringing the sex (even in those sneakers) at the premiere of Star Trek Beyond in San Diego, CA yesterday. I also threw in pictures of Chris Pine fighting the hot with that goatee and Zachary Quinto looking like an extra in an Aqua video.
Earlier today, I saw this headline:
There’s not many words in that headline, but there’s still 55 layers of raw fuckery to unpack. Normally, I’d think that The Onion has lost it and is getting way too crazy with their headlines. But since this entire election has spit up load after load of WTFness, I knew it was real. And it is.
In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.
The Spice Girls have apparently been trying to put together a 20th anniversary reunion tour, and we already know that Posh Spice isn’t doing it because she has officially retired from half-assed lip-synching while pointing at things. Now one of America’s most esteemed and trustworthy literary journals Life & Style is reporting that Sporty Spice doesn’t want to do the tour either, and so Scary Spice, Baby Spice and Ginger Spice have come up with an idea that makes me think they were possessed by Satan. This idea is one of the most unholiest things I’ve ever heard. The Spice Girls are planning to hold tryouts to replace Posh and Sporty. Some source dribbled out these evil words:
“It wasn’t a surprise that Victoria would decline the tour, but the girls really hit the roof when Mel C ditched too.
The girls are going to be making a formal announcement about tryouts for their spots in the next few weeks. Posh and Sporty can be replaced.”
Okay, truthfully, if the Spice Girls put a snobby-looking broomstick in a wig onstage and called it Posh, nobody would really question that, and in fact, the audience would probably talk about how she looked more lively than usual. But replacing Sporty who is only the only Spice Girl who can sing? When the Spice Girls sang, “Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” they weren’t just singing lyrics. They were also singing a legal oath to each other. So if Scary, Baby and Geri actually hold auditions, they’ll be breaking that legal oath. Their next reunion show will be in a prison mess hall after they’re jailed for committing an illegal act of betrayal!