Seen here after murdering whatever was left of her career and dignity (or maybe it was one of those heavy, heavy flow days), Lindsay Lohan is supposedly scooting her freckled labia jerky all over the 18-year-old son of Liam Neeson and the late Natasha Richardson. In a semi-dark room somewhere, a light bulb flickers as Liam Neeson ties up his 18-year-old son and tells him that it’s either this or sell him off to the human traffickers he saved Maggie Grace from in Taken.
Page Six says that 27-year-old LiLo has taken a break tainting 19-year-old twink model Liam Dean and is now getting with Michael Neeson. Michael and LiLo partied together at a party last week and last Friday night, they were seen going into the ladies bathroom together at a club called Finale in Manhattan. Some source dribbled this out:
“Lindsay seems to have this thing for younger men at the moment. They were together at a house party of one of Lindsay’s stylist friends before Thanksgiving, and were together at Finale on Friday. Lindsay was seen leading him into the women’s bathroom, hand-in-hand. The odd thing was that Dean was with them all night, even though Lindsay had been seeing him, too.”
Liam’s rep denied it and LiLo’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) says that they’re just friends. Of course Liam’s rep denied it. The rep probably called Liam up, told him about the story and took Liam’s crying, bawling, screaming about where did he go wrong as a parent and wall punching as a denial.
When an 18-year-old dude goes into a club bathroom with Lindsay Lohan, one of three things is going down:
1. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat.
2. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat and then bone until the dude’s will to survive overrides the burning sensation on his dick tip.
3. They’re going to read to each other from The Poetry of Emily Dickinson while sipping from a flask full of lukewarm chamomile tea. Hey, bitch has shocked us before, she can shock us again.
It’s probably the first or second one, which is why parents really need to talk to their white teenage sons about the dangers of Lindsay Lohan. Doing one harmless line with LiLo in a club bathroom could lead to doing several lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to always doing lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to spending time at her house on the holidays, which could lead to White Oprah barfing on his face while giving him a drunken lap dance to “Santa Baby” on Christmas morning. That sounds terrifying enough to be the plot for Taken 3.
(Pic via Tyler Shields)
Right after Taylor Swift almost made Britain declare war on our asses by desecrating the Union Jack at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in NYC, VS model Jessica Hart squirted out a thin stream of shade through her teef gap at the after-party. When WWD asked Jessica Hart if Taylor Swift could make it as a bra and panties model, she turned the apple picking set against her when she said this about their queen:
“No… God bless her heart. I think she’s great… But I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”
After Jessica Hart realized that Taylor will probably get revenge on her by fucking her man (Side note: Gappy bitch is dating NACHOS!) before writing a hit song called “You’ve Got A Gap In Your Hart,” she did the damage control shuffle a week later by saying this to UsWeekly:
“I adore Taylor Swift and I was so excited to be with her at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show… She is a true rock star and she absolutely killed it the other night.”
But Jessica Hart’s shameless lies to keep getting booked by VS didn’t work. Page Six says that VS executives are obviously a bunch of Swifty fans who get together every Saturday night to make strawberry snow cones on their Snoopy Sno Cone machine while singing karaoke to Taylor Swift songs, because they have decided to never use Jessica Hart again. Jessica Hart won’t walk in anymore VS shows and they’ll never book her for catalogs or ads again. Swifty strikes again and that eery cold wind that just blew between Jessica’s gap is from Taylor cackling over this while having tea with the yarn animals she knitted.
Victoria’s Secret is crazy, though. How are they going to replace Jessica Hart?! Where are they going to find another skinny ass blonde model who’s about as bland as tap water gravy on top of a pile of hospital mashed potatoes? Oh yeah, they can always borrow one from Leonardo DiCaprio’s stash. He can lend them one or two.
UPDATE: The president of VS tells E! that Jessica Hart didn’t get dropped and they plan to work with her in the future.
Here’s international gift to us all Gary Oldman wishing us Americans (aka the red-headed stepchildren of Britain) a very happy divorce from England day. I thought that Independence Day was the day when us Americans celebrate the Pilgrims running their asses away from England, but I could’ve been hungover or absent the day they explained that shit in the third grade. But whatever, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that here’s Gary Oldman getting all mad while beating a table full of food.
My stomach did squirt out a sad tear when he punched that pie and wasted all that delicious food, but if you’re a kinky splosher, watching Gary Oldman get rough with food probably puts the gravy on your mashed potatoes. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure we can all agree that we’re thankful for Gary Oldman’s stache. Happy Skanksgiving, everyone!
Jesus Christ healing the sick and Mother Theresa rescuing dozens of children are two of history’s greatest acts of kindness and now you can add “supermodel and movie star* Phoebe Price slumming it on Extra” to that list.
Chicken Cutlets somehow found time between posing for the paps in front of Mr. Chow and posing for the paps in front of Mr. Chow to grace the lessers withher beauty, grace and talent on Extra. Extra’s hosts, some blonde-ish chick and a come-to-life Archie character, were looking for someone to makeunder when Chicken Cutlets just so happened to be walking by with her mom Flora. This was obviously staged, because why would Chicken Cutlets be walking amongst the regulars at Universal CityWalk? But PP’s acting was still life-changing. When I went to see Blue Jasmine, some asshole behind me said “absolutely astonishing…” as we were leaving the theater. Well today, I’m that asshole, because I said those same words after seeing PP pretend to get “caught off guard” by gay Archie and Aussie chick. They gave PP a makeunder, which is stupid as fuck, because she’s the one who should be giving them makeovers. They would look so much more glamorous if they had a bird massacre on their heads and were wearing outfits usually only worn by cocktail waitresses at a Mardi Gras-themed casino in Reno.
Watch them take PP from “international supermodel superstar” to normal person who does normal things in life. Warning: It’s kind of painful. It’s like watching a ginger chicken get viciously plucked of its elegance and glamour:
See, that’s a great act of kindness. PP is so charitable and so giving. PP actually let them dress her in rags from QVC (not even HSN, QVC!) and let them brush some no-name brand blush on her cheek cutlets so that their little show could get a major ratings bump. This should totally go above “Jesus healing the sick” on the list of history’s greatest acts of kindness, because this is way more charitable.
And here’s PP reporting for seat filling duty at the AMAs last night. It looks like her fire crotch burned half of her dress off and the fire department had to throw water on her lap.
* see: her scene stealing role as a window shopper Get Smart
The Daily Mirror says Brangie’s holy child army will have a budget they need to stick to during their hourly visits to the goddamn toy store, because St. Angie Jolie dropped a huge chunk of cash on a very special birthday present for Brad Pitt. Normal hos buy their a piece a bottle of butt lube (in scent: new car smell) for their birthday, but millionaire saints buy their piece a whole damn island.
The Mirror says that St. Angie bought the 11-acre Petra Island, which is about 50 miles off the coast of NYC. The name “Frank Lloyd Wright” makes Brad Pitt squirt and get all fangirly, so she pulled out $20 million from her pocket book when she found out that the island has two Lloyd Wrights on it. One house was built in 1950 and the main house was built in 2008 from one of Lloyd Wright’s plans. Some source said:
“As soon as Angelina heard the island was on the market she arranged a viewing. She was really impressed. The house is perfect for romantic getaways or as a family retreat. It’s very private. And Angelina knows the fact the island is in the shape of a heart will mean so much to him. The fact he could now live in a house designed by one of his idols will make this his best birthday present ever.”
But the daughter of the current owners tell E! that Petra Island isn’t going to become Brangelina Island anytime soon, because St. Angie didn’t buy it and it’s still for sale.
If St. Angie did buy that island, I see what she’s doing. They already have a compound in Los Angeles, a vineyard in France and now they might have their eyes on a huge island in New York. It’s obvious what’s going on here. They’re setting up camps and bases around the world for when the child army expands and finally takes over. It’s a good thing that Petra Island wouldn’t last that long if St. Angie did buy it for Brad. Because as soon as he sees it from above and realizes that it kind of looks like a giant floating weed bud, he’s going to smoke the entire thing up one tree leaf at a time.
Three years ago, my 90s self did the slow wall slide of NOOOOO when the “hot one” from 90s boy band Color Me Badd was arrested in Hawaii for beating his then-wife up and two years before that he was arrested for beating up his girlfriend. Since then, Bryan Abrams has been up to his same old asshole tricks. He’s been beating women and when he’s not beating women, he’s been beating up pie with his mouth.
Bryan has been charged with domestic violence 5 times since 2006 and he pleaded guilty to his latest one in April. Bryan admitted to punching his third wife in the face. The white Z-list Chris Brown was ordered to perform community service and get counseling for drug issues and for being a lady-beating piece of shit. Bryan didn’t do everything he was supposed to do and so he was in court today to answer to a judge. Bryan wobbled in on a walker (more on that in a second) while wearing an old outfit from Structure’s plus size collection. If you don’t remember what Bryan looked like back in the day, here you go:
Those exquisite brows…. So sharp you could cut your ass hairs off with them…
NewsOK says that in court today, Bryan’s lawyer argued that he hasn’t been able to complete his community service because ailments have been fucking with his health. Bryan has been trying to lose some chunk and he recently had hip surgery, which is why he’s using that walker. Bryan’s lawyer told the court that he’s sober now and he wants to do right, but health problems are keeping him down. Bryan promised to finish his counseling and community service before his next hearing in January. And back to that walker…
NewsOK says that when he was in front of the judge, Bryan played the “OHWOEISMETHEPAIN” role and he never let go of his walker. But when he left the courtroom, he picked up his walker and ran up the stairs while carrying it. Bryan also recently tweeted about no longer being in pain.
While Bryan was beating up women, time was beating him up. DAMN. I wish I could take back all the times I fapped to Bryan Abrams and fap to the one with the 40-foot long forehead instead. This is ruining the 90s for me, because one of my fap dream stars has turned into a lady-beating shyster who wears an untucked plaid shirt to court. How beyond dreadful.
(Top pic via Steve Gooch/AP)
In case you haven’t been keeping up with the misadventures of The Difficult Brown, he recently checked into rehab, because he wanted to look good for the court after he might’ve violated his probation by allegedly punching a dude outside of a hotel in DC. E! News says that Chris Brown was kicked out of rehab two weeks later after he threw a rock through his mom’s car window when she came to visit him. Isn’t that how this piece of trash greets everyone? I’m sure his enabling ass mom will say that Fist Brown thought she was a little overheated in her car and so he broke the window to give her some air. He is always thinking of others.
Chris and his lawyer were in court today for a progress hearing in the RiRi beating case. The probation department was there and told the judge about how Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for being Chris Brown. The judge ordered Chris back to inpatient rehab for 3 months. He can only leave rehab to do his community service hours and to fly to DC to answer to that misdemeanor assault charge. He will be tested for the bad shit while he’s in rehab. The L.A. District Attorney told the court that she’s going to keep up with the DC case and she doesn’t know if she’s going to ask for his probation to be revoked yet. After court, The Difficult Brown’s spokeswhore shat out this dry hand job of a statement:
“His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
Baby douche steps, Fist Brown, baby douche steps. His first goal should be to not fucking punch anyone in the face and then he should focus on that other shit. But the good news is that humanity is safe from Chris Brown’s fist for at least 3 months. The bad news for everybody in rehab with him is that they have to walk around with a helmet on and tape pillow cases around his fists when he’s asleep.
And can’t we just send Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen, Sean Penn, George Zimmerman, Josh Brolin and Mel Gibson to a deserted island and let them all rage on each other? We can call it The Anger Games.
HR departments aren’t always known for being helpful. It’s all “stop asking for mini liquor bottles in the vending machines” this and “there’s no money in the budget for a moving sidewalk because you’re tired of walking to and from your car” that. You’d think an offer to re-record the options on the benefits hotline to include a “please press one if you have no idea what the fuck any of this means option would be appreciated but nooooooo, even if it’s the stone cold TROOF!
Ronald McDonald rushed the stage on open mic night and threw out a comedy routine in the form of doling out some super duper helpful tips on the McDonald’s corporate website. The organization Low Pay Is Not OK released a NSFCP video (not suitable for clown phobias) that shows some screenshots of the site, suggesting ways employees (who are asking for increased wages to keep up IN THIS ECONOMY) can reduce stress and make the best of troubled times.
- Take two vacations a year, it can reduce heart attack risk by 50% (so can not eating their food)
- Singing can lower your blood pressure when you’re stressed (I know I feel better when I belt out this little ditty)
- Breaking your food into small pieces helps you eat less and feel fuller faster (a practice perfected by kids everywhere if the floor in the PlayPlaces are any indication)
- Sell yo shit on eBay or Craigslist to get out from under holiday debt (that sick fuck Mayor McCheese already asked if this means selling yourself and the answer is NO!)
- Quit complaining (I will when you bring back McSalad Shakers)
I’ve gotten more useful advice from my four year old when he said nobody should wear pants after they fart in them because “butt air is dirty”. All that’s left is for Grimace to become the company’s Wellness Cordinator and for that shifty asshole Hamburglar to be put in charge of Security and everybody’s problems will be solved. Keep that pimp hand strong, Ronald!
Sylvester Stallone, the son of a butt-reading blossoming flower, is probably going to get a love letter written on a stick of butter from Paula Deen any day now, because TMZ is accusing him of calling a pap a “nigger” while he left a restaurant in Beverly Hills with a friend yesterday. If only Jackie read Sly’s ass before this so she could tell him that this was coming and to not do it. And by “ass” I mean his face of course.
Because the paparazzi didn’t have bigger stars like Quween on the Scene (Side question: Where for art thou Quween on the Scene?!) and Phoebe Price to shoot yesterday, they settled for a man who looks like a deflated burnt skin bubble. TMZ has a video of the paps following Sly and I guess he didn’t like it, because they claim at the 0:07 mark in the video, he mumbles to his friend, “This fucking nigger, this fucker.” It’s not really clear who that word was meant for. TMZ says there were several black paparazzo shooting around there that day. A few seconds into the video, one of the paps asks him, “Why the racial slurs?” Sly ignores her.
Sly’s spokeswhore claims that he said “fucking asshole” and not “fucking nigger.” The spokeswhore also says that Sly didn’t answer the pap when she asked about him the racial slurs, because she wasn’t talking directly to him. The spokeswhore thinks that she only said that to get more money for the video.
I watched that video more times than I should have and I still don’t know what came out of Sly’s mangled mouth hole. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slurred out a slur, but then again I also wouldn’t be surprised if he said something completely different like, “Hey, yo, let’s go get some strawberry froyo with nuts at that place over there.” Because Sly’s mouth is a shredder of words. Everything that comes out of his mouth has been cut up with pinking shears, chopped up with a rusty machete and ran over by several Mack Trucks. Bitch’s face has been pulled so tight that he can’t spit out coherent words. He will forever sound like a warped Speak and Spell.
But I’m sure he’s still going to play the same damage control card that Alec Baldwin played yesterday. After Alec denied he called a pap a “cocksucking fag,” he showed everyone that he’s not a homophobe by bringing out his gay hairdresser. So expect Sly to grab the first black guy he sees and get them both in front of a camera to say, “Arrro grrr blewerru huh zizzay asshole murrerre wurbled.” (Translation: “Hey, yo, whateveryourname is, you’re black and my best friend, right?“)
“Well, the title totally works if the entire world blew up and he was the only person who survived, because he happened to be napping in a bank vault like that Twilight Zone episode...” is probably what a People editor said to another People editor when they heard that Adam Levine’s PR promised a lifetime of EXCLUSIVOS for the Sexiest Man Alive title.
Gossip Cop was right last year when they said that the swollen thumb with eyes Channing Tatum would get the Sexiest Man Alive stamp, and this year they’re saying that it’s going to be the #2 collector of Victoria’s Secret models (after Leonardo DiCatchAHo) Adam Levine. Gossip Cop says that next week, Adam will be on the cover of People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. People wouldn’t say a thing about this. Let’s sashay down memory lane for a second to see who the last 3 sexiest pieces were:
2010 – Ryan Reynolds
2011 – Bradley Cooper
2012 - Channing Tatum
You know, I can’t even get mad at People for picking the wrong trick year after year after year after year after year after year and ignoring the truly sexiest men alive like Prince Hot Ginge, Anderson Cooper, Richard Simmons, Carrot Top, Verdine White and Walter Mercado. People and I are just never going to agree on the definition of “sexiest.” Besides, I’m sure there’s some weird whores out there who look at Adam Levine and think to themselves, “Yes, he looks like the kind of dude who will finger my butt and smell his finger right after, but he still does things to me.” So this is for those weird whores (and yes, I might be one of them. I’m not saying.)
And this is totally Adam’s year, because the Center for Disease Control is about to announce that he will be on the cover of 2014′s Sexiest Men of the CDC calendar.