All together now: Fuck you, Grant Show, you’re not my Blake Carrington! You can’t tell me what to do!
TNT’s revival of Dallas worked for me, because they used the original actors (in their original roles) and also brought in new youngins. But The CW isn’t doing that with their blasphemous Dynasty reboot. They’re bringing it into modern day (goodbye shoulder pads and Nolan Miller eleganza) and it doesn’t look like they’re using any of the original actors. They’re using the characters, though, and just recasting them. It’s a straight-up remake with strangers in it!
And in a stunning development that may cause you to tip over with pure shock, Kim Kartrashian didn’t shoot reenactment scenes of her Paris robbery for an Unsolved Mysteries-style 12-part investigative event airing on E!. Pimp Mama Kris is saving for that sweeps.
Ocean’s Eight was turning out to be my kind of movie. It had everything: a dramatic heist, a random cast that summoned a million question marks, Cate Blanchett in “washed-up rocker lesbian turned owner of an art gallery” chic and a dog on a skateboard (just lie to me and tell me they gave that talented bitch a major role). But then the evil makers just had to taint it with a giant plastic splattering of fame whores. Kim Kartrashian and all-natural sliver of dehydrated celery Kendull Jenner will be in it. Well, I guess every movie needs a piss break and it’s pretty fitting to make Kim the star of a pee time scene.
Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
And now let me pull you away from the terrifying election news to give you some terrifying airplane news!
Now, many times when I’m on a flight, I pray for a girthy and long serpent to land on my face and help me pass the time. This is not the kind of girthy and long serpent I pray about. CNN and my own personal CNN called The Daily Mail both report that during an AeroMexico flight from Torreon to Mexico City, a stowaway trick dropped into the cabin, because you know, flying isn’t bad enough. The Daily Mail says that snake was a venomous green viper. While many passengers were probably hoping that snake wasn’t the baby and soon the mom was going to appear to swallow them all, I’m sure one passenger secretly hoped that snake would bite the bitch kicking their seat behind them.
The tragic end of Mariah Carey and James Packer’s love has been blamed on everything from her spending his cash like crazy to him being a violent crazy. But now sources close to Mimi says that their blessed union crumbled like one’s sanity after joining Scientology because of James Packer’s relationship with his business manager, Tommy Davis, who was once the main spokesperson for that cult of alien crazies.
Goddamn Xenudamn you, L. Ron Hubbard, for ruining the opulent wedding of this century!
Show me a person who looks at that stunning work of art above and can honestly say that they hate the movie that made it possible, and I’ll show you a not-knowing trick whose opinion should never ever be trusted again! And one of those tricks is Olivia Newton-John.