Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

What In Uncanny Valley HELL Did They Do To Chip And Mrs. Potts?

November 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).

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Where Was Samuel L. Jackson When The People On This Flight Really Needed Him?

November 7, 2016 / Posted by:

And now let me pull you away from the terrifying election news to give you some terrifying airplane news!

Now, many times when I’m on a flight, I pray for a girthy and long serpent to land on my face and help me pass the time. This is not the kind of girthy and long serpent I pray about. CNN and my own personal CNN called The Daily Mail both report that during an AeroMexico flight from Torreon to Mexico City, a stowaway trick dropped into the cabin, because you know, flying isn’t bad enough. The Daily Mail says that snake was a venomous green viper. While many passengers were probably hoping that snake wasn’t the baby and soon the mom was going to appear to swallow them all, I’m sure one passenger secretly hoped that snake would bite the bitch kicking their seat behind them.

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Scientology Ruins EVERYTHING Including Mimi’s Billionaire Wife Dreams

October 31, 2016 / Posted by:

The tragic end of Mariah Carey and James Packer’s love has been blamed on everything from her spending his cash like crazy to him being a violent crazy. But now sources close to Mimi says that their blessed union crumbled like one’s sanity after joining Scientology because of James Packer’s relationship with his business manager, Tommy Davis, who was once the main spokesperson for that cult of alien crazies. Goddamn Xenudamn you, L. Ron Hubbard, for ruining the opulent wedding of this century!

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That Ukrainian “Prankster” Struck Again And This Time Gigi Hadid Struck Back

September 22, 2016 / Posted by:

That professional Ukrainian asshole Vitalii Sediuk has been banned from many red carpet events and even got in trouble the law for trying to give Brad Pitt a dry crotch-sucking, but dude obviously hasn’t learned that getting into someone’s personal space for attention isn’t such a good idea. Vitalii has already built himself a long ass resume of fuckery by trying to mouth kiss Will Smith without permission, trying to give Bradley Cooper a dry beej, crotch-hugging Leonardo DiCatchAHo and climbing up America Ferrera’s dress. And yesterday in Milan, he screwed with Gigi Hadid and she proved that she’s a junior member of the Not The One Club by elbowing him in the face.

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Someone Wants Another Oscar: Jared Leto Is Playing Andy Warhol In A Biopic

September 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Somewhere in the afterworld, David Bowie has just offered to hold Andy Warhol’s lit cigarette so he can go back to his grave to roll.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Jared Leto will produce and star in the indie biopic called Warhol. The script will be based on Warhol: The Biography by Victor Bockris and Terence Winter, who wrote The Wolf of Wall Street and co-created HBO’s Vinyl, will write it. They haven’t found a director yet. Jared owns the rights to that biography and has been looking to throw it up onto movie screens for a while.

Okay, okay, maybe Jared Leto as Andy Warhol isn’t that much of an awful thing. If anything, we’ll get more stories about how he’s the greatest method actor who ever method’ed. Jared will tell reporters that like Warhol, he filled his house with trash (aka Suicide Squad DVDs), had his wigs made by the grandchild of Warhol’s real wigmaker and sent his castmates used condoms (again) and real mummified human feet. And Jared will tell reporters all of that while laid up in a hospital bed where he’ll be recovering from a bullet wound. Because, yes, Jared is so method that he’s going to let the actress playing Valerie Solanas shoot at him for real. Just give him the Oscar now.

Pics: Instagram, Getty

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