Category: I Don’t Like Jokes

Don’t Even Think Of Stepping Onto The Cannes Red Carpet If You’re A Lady In Flats

May 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Because Cannes is a truly formal and sophisticated event that only lets in the most refined and elegant swans (see: the piece of trash above), they have a seriously strict dress code and will spit on any pair of lady feet that aren’t propped up on a high heel. So if you’ve got medical issues and wearing high heels kills your feet and makes you walk like a constipated penguin, suck it up, trick! Put on those high heels and fake smile through the pain, because you gotta get into Cannes! If you have no legs, strap a high heel to your head or wear them on your hands, because rules are rules and you gotta get into Cannes!

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File Under: Terrible Awful Decisions

May 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Time to pour one out for your memories (that is, if you even have enough left in the bottle after watching the trailer for the stinky unflushable turd that is Jem and the Hollograms). According to The Hollywood Reporter, Sony has decided to make a million ~moody~ Tumblr teen’s dreams come true while simultaneously stomping all over ours by remaking the 1996 wannabe witch classic The Craft. I think this picture of Nancy Downs most accurately sums up how I feel about this news:

Nancy

THR says that “up and coming” horror filmmaker Leigh Janiak will write and direct the new Craft, and a producer from the original will be returning to co-produce the remake. No word on whether it will be a direct rip-off of the original or if they’re going to update it by having the girls text selfie spells using emojis on their iPhones. But since it’s Hollywood and they’re predictable as fuck, I’m going to guess it will be the latter. Also no word on who plays who in this future mess, but here are my predictions:

Shailene Woodley in a busted Rachel wig as Sarah Bailey
Miley Cyrus in goth gopher drag as Nancy Downs
Kylie Jenner as Bonnie, whose hospital scene now takes place in a plastic surgeon’s office
Rihanna as Rochelle (Rochelle is now a blunt-smoking boss bitch who trades the swim team for the twerk team)
Taylor Swift as that bitch Laura Lizzie
That derpy-faced dude from The Fault in Our Stars as Skeet Ulrich’s character
Katy Perry as the occult shop owner

That, or they’ll cast a bunch of nobodies and re-work The Craft into a G-rated tale of a group of popular witches whose biggest challenge is convincing their parents to let them pierce their nose or light candles in their room.

SAVE BOO AND PISTOL DEPP!

May 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Johnny Derp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, might get shot up with death juice and sent to heaven because their dumbass, entitled human smuggled them into Australia while ignoring its quarantine laws. Dead Yorkies walking :(

Like many countries, Australia is NOT THE ONE when it comes to animals coming in from foreign places. Dogs coming into Australia from other countries must spend at least 10 days in a government quarantine facility. That’s nothing compared to other countries. (Japan’s quarantine period is up 180 days and some countries don’t even allow foreign dogs in.) When Johnny Depp flew back to Australia from the US on a private jet to continue shooting the 1,800th Pirates of the Caribbean movie, he brought Boo and Pistol with him. Johnny completely ignored Australia’s quarantine laws the same way he ignores basic hygiene upkeep. Boo and Pistol didn’t spend one second in a quarantine facility and they went straight to Johnny’s mansion. Authorities discovered that Boo and Pistol were in the country illegally when a groomer in Maudsland, Queensland posted a picture of them on Facebook and bragged about grooming them.

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Harry Shearer Has Quit “The Simpsons” (UPDATE)

May 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Please feel free to join me in a dramatic tear-soaked NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! After 26 years of voicing Ned Flanders, Mr. Burns, Mr. Smithers, Principal Skinner, Otto, Rev. Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, McBain, Scratchy, God, and roughly 8 billion other characters, Harry Shearer is saying smell ya later to The Simpsons. Excuse me while I dive face-first into a handful of children’s chewable Prozac.

According to CNN Money, Harry Shearer is walking away from a $14 million two-year contract because he wants the freedom to do other work (please let that “other work” be a spin-off about alien Mr. Burns). Shearer told CNN:

“In last four years, I’ve created and starred in a UK TV series and starred on London stage. Not stopping.”

The Simpsons showrunner Al Jean confirmed that Harry Shearer was leaving the show. Jean adds that they have no plans on giving his characters the Poochie treatment; they’ll replace them with other voice actors rather than killing them all off. Well DUH! If you killed off all of Harry Shearer’s characters on The Simpsons, you’d pretty much be killing off half the population of Springfield.

However, TMZ seems to think Harry Shearer quitting The Simpsons is all about money. Earlier in the week, a “source” claimed that Shearer had a problem with the part of his contract that dealt with back-end and merchandising, so he refused to sign it. I guess they never ended up working that shit out, because now he’s walking.

Well, this is a bummer. How in the hell are they going to explain that half the characters in Springfield got the New Becky treatment? More importantly, how in the heck are they going to explain this to Rod and Todd Flanders? Those poor little dorks. They’ve already lived through one parent getting re-voiced, I don’t know how they’ll handle it a second time.

UPDATE: Quick! Light a Krusty-Brand Lead Wick Faith Candle and say a prayer for the voice of Mr. Burns, because Harry might not be gone just yet. The Simpsons executive producer James L. Brooks has tweeted that they want to keep Harry around, and TMZ says that both sides are willing to re-negotiate that contract.

You Can Call Him Dr. Yeezus Now!

May 12, 2015 / Posted by:

The School of Art Institute of Chicago has gone and done it. They have injected forty five hundred gallons of steroids into Kanye West’s already inflated ego by giving him an honory doctorate. Great, now every one of his rants will end with, “And I’m a doctor, bitch!

Kanye Kardashian (née West) followed in the footsteps of Kermit the Frog, Kylie Minogue, Alexander Skarsgard, Steven Tyler and Mike Tyson yesterday by getting an honorary degree, which sometimes is a school’s way of saying, “Here is a meaningless piece of paper that we’re giving you in hopes that you’ll buy us a library one day.” No, he didn’t get an honorary doctorate for advanced fuckery. The Chicago Tribune said that the college drop-out finally graduated yesterday with 900 students of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Apparently, before the ceremony, many students rolled their eyes over their school giving Kanye an honorary doctorate. Did those students learn nothing during all their years there? Don’t they know that Kanye is thee sole creator of leather jogging pants and for that alone he deserves ALL the honorary doctorates in every subject.

Even though some students were not amused by Kanye getting honored, none of them grabbed the mic during his speech to say, “Imma let you finish, but us 900 students who actually finished and have a shit load of student loans to pay off are the greatest graduates of all-time!” Kanye’s graduation speech only lasted 5 minutes, which may be a record low for him since his speeches usually last about as long as it takes a fart to travel out of Kim Kartrashian’s ass (approximately 6 hours, 45 minutes and 13 seconds). Kanye gave a short pep talk and then told the students that he praised the School of Art Institute of Chicago during his lecture at Oxford.

After the graduation, one graduate talked to the Chicago Tribune about some people having a problem with Kanye’s honorary doctorate:

Not everyone loved Jesus at first. Not everyone loves Yeezus. That’s how I see it.

I mean…. Either that 20-something graduate was Kanye wearing a 20-something graduate mask or that graduate needs to have their diploma snatched away and put in the shredder. They need to do college over again, because they obviously have a lot more to learn if they’re freely and causally spewing out crazy shit like that. That’s how I see it!

Kim Kartrashian Instagrammed the above picture of Kanye knowingly smiling in front of a camera and added the caption: “Dr. Kanye West!!!!!!! I’m so proud of you baby & I know your mom would be so proud too!!!!” I’m sure Dr. Yeezus will write the same kind of Instagram caption for her when she finally receives an honorary doctorate in ho shit from my alma mater UTI (University of Trashy Imbeciles).

And here’s the doctor’s wife (you know she’s going to write that on her Twitter bio) at some event in São Paulo yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Instagram

The Hell Did They Do To Jem And The Holograms?

May 11, 2015 / Posted by:

To paraphrase Squeak from The Color Purple: Harpo, who dis Jem?

When Jon M. Chu announced a year ago that he was doing a Jem and the Holograms movie, I threw a slight double side-eye of concern at the news, because he said he had planned to bring it into modern day. But I figured that there’s no way he can make a Jem movie without dipping her in neon pink paint before rolling her around in rainbow glitter. The slight double side-eye of concern became a full double side-eye of concern when Layla Grant from Nashville was cast as Jem and they released a poster that looked very un-Jem-like. Well, I’m not making a full double-side eye of concern anymore. I am widening my eyes like a crazy person while screaming NO NO NO NO NOOOO!

Over the weekend, a stream of new promo pictures were burped up. We also learned that this butchery of our childhoods is coming out on October 23rd. A synopsis was also released and on the truly outrageous scale, this movie looks like it’s not even a 1. Jem is truly, truly meh.

As a small-town girl catapults from underground video sensation to global superstar, she and her three sisters begin a one-in-a-million journey of discovering that some talents are too special to keep hidden. In Universal Pictures’ JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS, four aspiring musicians will take the world by storm when they see that the key to creating your own destiny lies in finding your own voice.

So Jem is a YouTube star?! The fuck? Why didn’t Jon M. Chu just slash our childhoods in the face while eating a lemon and then spit in the open wounds? It would’ve stung less.

To recap: The movie doesn’t take place in the 80s, it doesn’t have The Misfits or Syngery in it and they’ve made Jem and the Holograms look like basics who wear UGGs in the winter, know the Starbucks secret menu by heart and dye their hair totally crazy colors like pink when they go to Coachella. It’s like Jem and the Holograms brought to you by ABC Family. I’m about to make a star earring out of paper and a pink marker so I can grab it while asking, “Why, Synergy, whyyyy?!”

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Oh, Granny Kissing On Prince Hot Ginge, Did I Ever Tell You You’re My Hero?

May 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Why, GOD, why couldn’t I have been born with the power to shape-shift into an Australia memaw?!

Prince Hot Ginge entered Australia four weeks ago to work with the Australian Defence Force. (I wish he’d enter my land down under, which isn’t like Australia at all. It’s more like Mordor.) His four-week placement came to an end today and the people came out to say goodbye to him. Daphne Dunne (the sly memaw above) had a G-rated Extreme Cougar Wives moment with Prince Hot Ginge when she took his hand and went in for a kiss. You may be thinking that those medals she’s wearing are for being an expert wooer and charmer, but those are her husband’s military medals. I’m going to need Granny Daphne to come out of retirement for a minute to teach me her ways, because she got a hot ginger kiss out of PHG, so she’s obviously doing everything right.

Many were horny for Harry at his goodbye party in Sydney today including a 21-year-old woman, who is kind of giving me “Whitney Port mashed up with Kiki Dunst” vibes. Victoria got Prince Hot Ginge’s attention by holding up a sign that read: MARRY ME (LAST CHANCE!) PRINCE HARRY. When Prince Hot Ginge came over to her, she actually asked him to marry her while an extra ornate Burger King crown was on her head. PHG said he’d think about it before he motioned to his security to have her name added to the restraining order list right under my name.

Part of me thinks that she’s my long-lost Australian spirit sister, because her love for PHG trumps her sense of shame. We are the same like that. But the other part of me thinks that what she did is just creepy and presumptuous. I mean, she doesn’t really know him. You can’t just ask a stranger to marry you. You can’t just go from a to cardboard marriage proposals. There’s an order to things. If I was her, I’d hold up a sign that read “Prince Harry, Can I Suck Your Dick?” and then I’d slowly move up to the marriage proposal sign. Whatever happened to old-fashioned romance and courting?

Pics: AP, Splash

Tyga Might Have Gotten Kylie Jenner’s Name Tattooed On His Arm

April 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Say it with me now: BIG MISTAKE. BIG. HUGE. Although I doubt he can hear us over the sound of Chris Hansen repeatedly kicking out chairs and inviting him to have a seat.

You can barely see the future mistake in question, but that new-looking tattoo on Tyga’s right elbow might say “Kylie”, and no, it’s not a tribute to pocket-sized chanteuse Kylie Minogue (a decision that would never be considered a future mistake). Yesterday, a picture popped up on the internet of Tyga allegedly showing off a tattoo he got in honor of his 17-year-old girlfriend, customized A League of Their Own action figure (Marla Hooch, never forget) Kylie Jenner. TMZ swears Tyga’s Kylie tattoo is real. A “source” (Pimp Mama Kris holding her cellphone in one hand and her Stunt Queen’s Choice DIY tattoo kit in the other) claims Tyga got it to prove he’s committed to Kylie and “no one else.

Here’s the picture. Grab your magnifying glass, because it’s time to Jessica Fletcher this shit:

TygaTattooKylie

Since everything on the internet is a goddamn lie, I am deeply suspicious of this picture. First of all, Tyga is standing beside what looks like an underage girl and he’s not even hitting on her? Yeah, okay. Second, Tyga stood within breathing distance of a girl and Tyga’s baby mama Blac Chyna didn’t drag her ass all over Instagram? Sure. Third, Tyga’s new tattoo wasn’t unveiled during a ‘casual’ Kardashian family pap stroll that was carefully choreographed by PMK in an attempt to yank some of the attention away from Bruce Jenner? Yuh huh.

So does this mean Kylie might declare her love for Tyga by getting a “Tyga” tattoo? Wait – is she even old enough? Yeah, something tells me that’s irrelevant.

Pics: Instagram/TMZ via Instagram

File Under “Why?”: Gillian Anderson Recently Asked Chris Martin Out On A Date

April 23, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s literally the exact same face I make any time someone tells me they think Justin Bieber is “just misunderstood.” And I’m not sure why she’s making it, but Gillian Anderson might find herself making that same face during a post-fuck conversation in the future that starts with the words “Wanna see my scarf collection?” According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail), there’s a pretty good chance that might happen, because Scully recently asked Chris Martin on a date. Today I learned: insomnia is very real and those who suffer from it will do anything to cure it. No! Maybe she just really likes drowsy singing types?

A “source” (Scully’s hot baldy boss Walter Skinner, I hope) said 46-year-old Gillian and 38-year-old Chris Martin are an “unlikely combination” but have “definite chemistry.” Sure, but what about…you know…Chris Martin’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence? Maybe she’s cool with it because she’s a hard-core X-Files fan from way back who has always dreamed of a three-way with Scully.

Of course, neither Gillian not Chris Martin’s people have yet to comment on their possible date. But I’m sure the truth is out th-NO ALLISON! You got this far without making a hackey X-Files joke, you don’t have to start now.

In the meantime, don’t expect to see Chris’ ex-wife (or as she probably calls herself, his former executive espousal consort) Gwyneth Paltrow getting jealous and rushing to one-up him by smug-arming Fox Mulder into a quickie marriage. Comic Book Guy’s culinary-world cousin Mario Batali told the NY Daily News that he doesn’t think his pal Goopy will ever get married again. Oh, that’s sad. I was really hoping to find out what Goopy-sounding snobby person term Gwyneth would invent for her second marriage. You’re right – it wouldn’t be a marriage; it would be a later-in-life union of elevated souls or something.

The Full House Revival Is Really Happening And The Summary For It Sounds…..Err..

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans  to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.

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