Category: I Can’t With You

Bill Cosby’s Wife Thinks He’s The Real Victim

December 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Camille Cosby pretty much made it clear where she stands when she put on a manufactured, creepy, Stepford Wife smile as her husband got pissy with an AP reporter for asking him about all the sexual abuse allegations against him. Camille Cosby didn’t need to say shit. We all know that she’s been putting her fingers in her ear holes and singing, “Stand by my maaaaaaan,” at the top of her lungs as accuser after accuser after accuser after accuser comes out. Camille is Ride or Die all the way even if the ride is filled with women he’s drugged up.

Camille probably should’ve just kept smiling that fake smile and not said a thing, but since Bill Cosby’s team is trying hard to get all of the water out of his sinking dingy, she’s released a statement. Camille says that the Bill Cosby you know from TV is the real Bill Cosby. Whoever wrote that shit for Camille knows exactly what they’re doing. When all those allegations were unswept from the rug by Hannibal Buress, several people on my Facebook feed said crap like, “I can’t believe that my TV father would do something like this!” In their brains, they couldn’t separate Dr. Huxtable the TV character from Bill Cosby the real-life person who isn’t his TV character. So Camille is feeding that and she, of course, brought that  messy, messy Rolling Stone article into it. As Camille’s sister in denial Dottie Sandusky screamed, “PREACH, GIRL, PREACH,” she released this statement to CBS News:

To answer her question, you don’t have enough time for us to list all the victims. There’s only 24 hours in every day and only 365 days a year, and none of us want to spend it naming all the names in the long list of Bill Cosby’s alleged victims. Let’s just print out the list of every American from the Department of Records, cross off Bill Cosby’s name and hand that that over to Camille. It’ll be close enough.

Time To Put That Eye Roll Muscle To Work: Barbra Walters Drools Over George And Amal Clooney

December 15, 2014 / Posted by:

At the end of Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People special, which splattered on TV screens last night, she said that it will probably be her last time doing it and even though she said the same thing last year, she sort of kind of means it this time. No, she doesn’t. Babwa will do it again next year, because she lives for everyone’s brain burping out a stream of HUHs over her weird choices. Next year, Barbara should stop with the trickery and keep it honest. She needs to change the title of her list to the 10 Least Fascinating People, because some of the people on this year’s list are about as fascinating as a piece of chewed, wet cauliflower stuck to a string of floss.

Barbara’s Most Fascinating People list included Chelsea Handler, ScarJo (?????), Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Strahan (??????), Elon Musk, Oprah, Taylor Swift, George RR Martin and David H. Koch. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and according to Babwa, 2 of the most fascinating are a People’s Choice-nominated actress and the co-host of a morning show that’s on the network she works for. The word “fascinating” really needs to file a lawsuit against Barbra for slandering it over and over again. Because Barbara’s list was the opposite of fascinating, I figured that her Most Fascinating Person of 2014 would be Blake Lively. Barbra went with Amal Clooney instead and sure, she’s a well-spoken, educated human rights lawyer, but she only became fascinating when she married Booker from Roseanne:

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Miley Cyrus Instagrammed Pictures Of Her Wrist Gash Because She’s Miley Cyrus

December 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a chipmunk Dennis the Menace, Miley Cyrus is in the hospital AGAIN and surprisingly she isn’t in the hospital because she was forced into quarantine by the health department after sucking on Wonky McValtrex’s mouth muscle of nast.

TMZ says that Miley checked into the hospital yesterday after suffering some kind of wrist injury (I’m going with fap session gone wrong) and since Billy Ray’s child is the Patron Saint of Too Much Fucking Information, she Instagrammed pictures of her gaping gash. We’ve seen Miley’s nipples and have pretty much seen her cooter lips, so why not look at her flesh? The pictures of Miley’s cut open wrist don’t really gross me out, because I lived through those heave-worthy pictures of her strangling her albino beaver for Uncle Terry. I’m fully desensitized.

Miley also spent some time adding a dose of WTF to her gash picture with the help of Photoshop, because when you’re laid up in a hospital bed and riding high on a wave of painkillers, what else do you have to do? I have to say that I’m a little jealous of the doctors and nurses. Because when they opened up her cut all the way, they probably got a good high from inhaling the cloud of weed that escaped out of her body.

Pics: Instagram

Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.

TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.

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Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Got A Reality Show, Because Of Course They Did

November 11, 2014 / Posted by:

After being married for all of two months, Us Weekly says that vaccination expert and former shoe model Jenny McCarthy and the poor soul legally bound to her in desperate attention-seeking fuckery Donnie Wahlberg (seen above in a rare moment where they’re not completely slobbering all over each other) have decided to pimp out their relationship for reality television. I know, I’m shocked that it took this long too!

America’s Slutty Fart and Mahky Mahk’s brother will star in a 10-episode “docu-series” called Donnie Loves Jenny that will air sometime in early 2015 on A&E. Jenny and Donnie, who are co-producers of Donnie Loves Jenny, said this about Jenny’s latest cling to relevancy:

“Not only have we found a new home together, we have found the perfect place for our exciting new projects to live with A&E Network. We’re so excited about this deal and look forward to a long and successful relationship creating entertaining and provocative unscripted programming with our partners at A&E. Our feeling is, who better to make our first show for the network about than about us? We love working together and with our crazy schedules this gives us the chance to both work and play together.”

Donnie and Jenny have truly hit the A&E jackpot, because Donnie Loves Jenny will spawn at least a couple future spin-offs! First comes Donnie Loves Jenny, then Donnie’s Starting To Get Real Tired Of Jenny’s Shit, followed by Donnie Realizes He’s Made A Terrible Mistake, which leads us to Donnie Hates Jenny, Marky Said This Would Happen, and Donnie Files For Divorce. Then in 2016, Jenny can campaign for her own Jenny-centric series: Jenny Loves Attention.

I’m Guessing One Of Those 99 Problems Is Finding A Decent In-House Photoshop Team

November 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Our Lady of Liquefy Tool Beyonce celebrated another successful week of being Beyonce by releasing a couple amateur sexyface modeling shots to her Tumblr, aka her online Barbizon portfolio. And once again, it appears that her Photoshop project manager Basement Baby decided to take a nap on an old pile of unsold House of Dereon jeans instead of going over each shot with a magnifying glass LIKE SHE’S SUPPOSED TO, because another Body by Still Learning How To Use The Blur Tool picture was posted. Get your shit together, Basement!

Part of me wants to call up Adobe and ask if they offer an on-site tutorial on waist cinching, but I think the real problem here is Beyonce. Beyonce is clearly too confident in the skills of her team of Photoshop artistes! Why else would she stand in front of vertical stripes? Beyonce should know by now that unless she wants a busted mess of wonky-ass warped lines around her waist and thighs, she cannot stand in front of a striped background! It doesn’t matter how much attention Bey tries to draw down to her SpongeBob SquarePants-looking thigh gap, all I see is that fabric fun house mirror behind her!

And I guess I’m still really confused by one thing: if you’re going to go to the trouble of Photoshopping your waist, thighs, thigh gap, pussy, tits, arms, and face, why stop at the puckered butt holes in your arm pits? That would be the first thing I would want gone! Erase my armpit butt holes!

Pics: Tumblr, Instagram

Lorenzo Lamas Becomes My #1 Enemy After Calling The Empress Of Lucite A Bad Mom

November 5, 2014 / Posted by:

But if this leads to Shauna Sand starring in an NBC show titled Bad Mom, Lorenzo Lamas will be my #1 hero and the maker of my dreams.

In the meantime, the ticketing machine in the Ninth Circle of Hell is printing out a special VIP ticket with Lorenzo Lamas’ name on it, because TMZ says that he’s still trying to get custody of his three daughters with the Empress of Lucite and has accused her of being a shitty role model and mother. Will somebody please rip off Lorenzo Lamas’ too-tight t-shirt, because it’s obviously cutting off the circulation to his brain and is causing him not to think right. How can he think that an earth goddess who educates all of the children in the important subject of elegance is a bad mom?! Lorenzo Lamas is a bad human for slandering the Empress of Lucite like that.

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And The Messiness Keeps Coming: Uncle Poodle And Pumpkin Have It Out On Social Media

October 28, 2014 / Posted by:

“Uncle Poodle And Pumpkin Have It Out On Social Media” is a Golden Books title I never thought I’d read…

Mama June and her Country Bear Jamboree-named family should probably have it out in a closed therapist’s office before CPS busts through the doors and puts all the chirrun in the custody of a more responsible individual like Glitzy the pig or a jar of old sketti sauce. But since Mama June has proved that she’s full of a lot of things and sense isn’t one of them, she’s not doing that. Instead, they’re airing out their shit-stained, barf-covered laundry all over Facebook and Instagram.

The messiness started last night when Mama June’s daughter, 14-year-old Pumpkin, shanked at the Instagram users who called out her mom as the shittiest parent of the century for dating the convicted pedophile that her own daughter accused of molesting her when she was 8. Instagram is now covered in pumpkin seeds and gunk, because Pumpkin exploded and accused Anna of lying about the molestation and then called out Sugar Bear’s brother Uncle Poodle as the one who started the quick demise of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo by selling fake stories to TMZ because he needs the cash.

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And There Goes Honey Boo Boo…..

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Just one day after TMZ puked up a two-week-old picture of Mama June cuddling up next to the ex-piece who just finished serving 10 years in the chokey for molesting one of her 8-year-old relatives, TLC derailed the sketti sauce train and cut their losses while watching it crash and burn. The makers of diabetes meds are in the fetal position under their desks this morning, because the show they counted on to push more product is done. A entire season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was shot, but TLC is not airing it and has canceled the show over the allegations that Mama June is dating a convicted child molester. TLC executives fed cheese balls and sketti sauce to a bull and waited around until it shit up this pile of bullshit:

“Supporting the health and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority. TLC is faithfully committed to the children’s ongoing comfort and well-being.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

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Rosie O’Donnell And Whoopi Got Into A Fight During A Commercial Break On The View

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

We’re only two weeks into the all-new The View, and already two of the hens are ready to peck each other’s eyes out. This may be a new record for ABC! Treat yourselves to lunch at In-N-Out today, you’ve earned it. According to the Daily Mail, come-to-life pair of casual pants Rosie O’Donnell and the no-fucks-left-to-give human CROC Whoopi Goldberg got into a nasty clucking match during a commercial break on The View that ended with Whoopi busting out several $2 swears.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children (oh here go hell come) during Hot Topics and they started to run out of time, so producers told Whoopi to cut her off and go to commercial. Rosie would have known the segment was running long if she too had been wearing an earpiece, but a source says Rosie O’Donnell don’t do earpieces! Whoopi threw some morning talk show shade by suggesting she start wearing an earpiece if she wants to know what’s going on. Once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and being a shade-slinging casual comfort cunt and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

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