Category: I Can’t With You

Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.

TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.

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Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Got A Reality Show, Because Of Course They Did

November 11, 2014 / Posted by:

After being married for all of two months, Us Weekly says that vaccination expert and former shoe model Jenny McCarthy and the poor soul legally bound to her in desperate attention-seeking fuckery Donnie Wahlberg (seen above in a rare moment where they’re not completely slobbering all over each other) have decided to pimp out their relationship for reality television. I know, I’m shocked that it took this long too!

America’s Slutty Fart and Mahky Mahk’s brother will star in a 10-episode “docu-series” called Donnie Loves Jenny that will air sometime in early 2015 on A&E. Jenny and Donnie, who are co-producers of Donnie Loves Jenny, said this about Jenny’s latest cling to relevancy:

“Not only have we found a new home together, we have found the perfect place for our exciting new projects to live with A&E Network. We’re so excited about this deal and look forward to a long and successful relationship creating entertaining and provocative unscripted programming with our partners at A&E. Our feeling is, who better to make our first show for the network about than about us? We love working together and with our crazy schedules this gives us the chance to both work and play together.”

Donnie and Jenny have truly hit the A&E jackpot, because Donnie Loves Jenny will spawn at least a couple future spin-offs! First comes Donnie Loves Jenny, then Donnie’s Starting To Get Real Tired Of Jenny’s Shit, followed by Donnie Realizes He’s Made A Terrible Mistake, which leads us to Donnie Hates Jenny, Marky Said This Would Happen, and Donnie Files For Divorce. Then in 2016, Jenny can campaign for her own Jenny-centric series: Jenny Loves Attention.

I’m Guessing One Of Those 99 Problems Is Finding A Decent In-House Photoshop Team

November 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Our Lady of Liquefy Tool Beyonce celebrated another successful week of being Beyonce by releasing a couple amateur sexyface modeling shots to her Tumblr, aka her online Barbizon portfolio. And once again, it appears that her Photoshop project manager Basement Baby decided to take a nap on an old pile of unsold House of Dereon jeans instead of going over each shot with a magnifying glass LIKE SHE’S SUPPOSED TO, because another Body by Still Learning How To Use The Blur Tool picture was posted. Get your shit together, Basement!

Part of me wants to call up Adobe and ask if they offer an on-site tutorial on waist cinching, but I think the real problem here is Beyonce. Beyonce is clearly too confident in the skills of her team of Photoshop artistes! Why else would she stand in front of vertical stripes? Beyonce should know by now that unless she wants a busted mess of wonky-ass warped lines around her waist and thighs, she cannot stand in front of a striped background! It doesn’t matter how much attention Bey tries to draw down to her SpongeBob SquarePants-looking thigh gap, all I see is that fabric fun house mirror behind her!

And I guess I’m still really confused by one thing: if you’re going to go to the trouble of Photoshopping your waist, thighs, thigh gap, pussy, tits, arms, and face, why stop at the puckered butt holes in your arm pits? That would be the first thing I would want gone! Erase my armpit butt holes!

Pics: Tumblr, Instagram

Lorenzo Lamas Becomes My #1 Enemy After Calling The Empress Of Lucite A Bad Mom

November 5, 2014 / Posted by:

But if this leads to Shauna Sand starring in an NBC show titled Bad Mom, Lorenzo Lamas will be my #1 hero and the maker of my dreams.

In the meantime, the ticketing machine in the Ninth Circle of Hell is printing out a special VIP ticket with Lorenzo Lamas’ name on it, because TMZ says that he’s still trying to get custody of his three daughters with the Empress of Lucite and has accused her of being a shitty role model and mother. Will somebody please rip off Lorenzo Lamas’ too-tight t-shirt, because it’s obviously cutting off the circulation to his brain and is causing him not to think right. How can he think that an earth goddess who educates all of the children in the important subject of elegance is a bad mom?! Lorenzo Lamas is a bad human for slandering the Empress of Lucite like that.

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And The Messiness Keeps Coming: Uncle Poodle And Pumpkin Have It Out On Social Media

October 28, 2014 / Posted by:

“Uncle Poodle And Pumpkin Have It Out On Social Media” is a Golden Books title I never thought I’d read…

Mama June and her Country Bear Jamboree-named family should probably have it out in a closed therapist’s office before CPS busts through the doors and puts all the chirrun in the custody of a more responsible individual like Glitzy the pig or a jar of old sketti sauce. But since Mama June has proved that she’s full of a lot of things and sense isn’t one of them, she’s not doing that. Instead, they’re airing out their shit-stained, barf-covered laundry all over Facebook and Instagram.

The messiness started last night when Mama June’s daughter, 14-year-old Pumpkin, shanked at the Instagram users who called out her mom as the shittiest parent of the century for dating the convicted pedophile that her own daughter accused of molesting her when she was 8. Instagram is now covered in pumpkin seeds and gunk, because Pumpkin exploded and accused Anna of lying about the molestation and then called out Sugar Bear’s brother Uncle Poodle as the one who started the quick demise of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo by selling fake stories to TMZ because he needs the cash.

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And There Goes Honey Boo Boo…..

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Just one day after TMZ puked up a two-week-old picture of Mama June cuddling up next to the ex-piece who just finished serving 10 years in the chokey for molesting one of her 8-year-old relatives, TLC derailed the sketti sauce train and cut their losses while watching it crash and burn. The makers of diabetes meds are in the fetal position under their desks this morning, because the show they counted on to push more product is done. A entire season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was shot, but TLC is not airing it and has canceled the show over the allegations that Mama June is dating a convicted child molester. TLC executives fed cheese balls and sketti sauce to a bull and waited around until it shit up this pile of bullshit:

“Supporting the health and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority. TLC is faithfully committed to the children’s ongoing comfort and well-being.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

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Rosie O’Donnell And Whoopi Got Into A Fight During A Commercial Break On The View

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

We’re only two weeks into the all-new The View, and already two of the hens are ready to peck each other’s eyes out. This may be a new record for ABC! Treat yourselves to lunch at In-N-Out today, you’ve earned it. According to the Daily Mail, come-to-life pair of casual pants Rosie O’Donnell and the no-fucks-left-to-give human CROC Whoopi Goldberg got into a nasty clucking match during a commercial break on The View that ended with Whoopi busting out several $2 swears.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children (oh here go hell come) during Hot Topics and they started to run out of time, so producers told Whoopi to cut her off and go to commercial. Rosie would have known the segment was running long if she too had been wearing an earpiece, but a source says Rosie O’Donnell don’t do earpieces! Whoopi threw some morning talk show shade by suggesting she start wearing an earpiece if she wants to know what’s going on. Once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and being a shade-slinging casual comfort cunt and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

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Juliette Lewis OnThe Scientology Hate: It’s A Conspiracy Funded By The Pharmaceutical Industry!

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Juliette Lewis is one of the only disciples of L. Ron Hubbard I can stand (besides John Travolta’s wig, of course) because she doesn’t shit at the mouth about Scientology that much and because she was in the underrated TV jewel I Married Dora. But today, I nearly crushed the Thetans that live under my eyelids by rolling my eyes at the shit she said about why Scientology gets hate from the media.

During an interview with The Daily Beast, Juliette was asked about the biggest misconceptions about Scientology. Juliette said that Scientology is a self-help movement and the mainstream media will never write anything truthful about it, because they’re funded by Big Pharma and Tom Cruise spoke out against the pharmaceutical industry when he ranted about Brooke Shields taking anti-depressants to deal with postpartum depression (among other things). Juliette adjusted her tin foil bonnet and barfed this up:

I’ll get all conspiratorial on you, and I’m just going to throw this out: The mainstream media is funded by pharmaceutical companies, so when you have the biggest movie star in the world at the time—Tom Cruise—coming out against anti-depressants and Ritalin and just saying, “Hey, why don’t you put a warning label on there?” The thing about Scientology is it is anti-drug in that you’re seeking relationship or communication tools—simple basics on how to live better. So, when Tom came out about that, I’ve never seen someone get torn down so hard, and they still brutalize him with Scientology pieces to this day. It’s a religious philosophy and self-help movement. And you’ll never see a truthful word written about it in mainstream media.

Yes, it was little ole’ Tommy Girl who almost brought down the zillion dollar pharmaceutical industry by shitting on anti-depressants. If anything, Tommy Girl’s rant put more money into the pockets of those greedy ass Big Pharma bitches, because some of us needed to snort crushed Prozac cut with Valium after listening to him.

I can think of a million other reasons for why people hate on Scientology. Off the top of my head, I hate on Scientologists, because they probably see John Travolta all the time in the auditing waiting room and shit and they never tell him to shave those gross pubes off of his face. So answer that, glib ass Juliette.

The LAPD Handcuffed Actress Daniele Watts After She Kissed Her White Husband In Public

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Happy 44th Birthday to Clayton Moore! Have you seen that hot new movie The Blob? When I see you at the malt shop later, Daddy-O, I’ll give you the Connie Francis record you let me borrow. I mean, black women are being questioned by the cops for kissing white dudes in public, so we’re obviously still stuck in the 50s, right?

Actress Daniele Watts, who played Coco in Django Unchained and is in the FX show Partners, says that last Thursday in Studio City, CA, the cops harassed her and put her into handcuffs after they mistook her for a hooker. Daniel’s husband Brian James Lucas, who’s white, tells TMZ that some dumb fuck saw them kissing inside of their car and figured that she was a hooker and he was her john. Their car was parked outside of CBS Studios. She was there to meet with a director. The dumb fuck called the police and the police showed up. Daniele claims that after she kissed her husband in the car, she got out of the car and started talking to her dad on the phone while standing on the sidewalk. As she talked to him, the cops approached her and asked to see her ID. They also asked to see her husband’s ID. Brian gave the cops his ID, but Daniele refused because she didn’t do anything wrong. The cops handcuffed her and made her sit in the back of their car. Daniele wrote all about this mess on Facebook (click here to read it). The cops eventually let Daniele go when they found out who she is.

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