Category: I Can’t With You

Not You Too, Smarmy Afghan Hound, Not You Too!

May 17, 2016 / Posted by:

The universe is a shifty bitch who gets off on playing with our emotions. One second, the universe lifts me up passed the stars by giving us Susan Sarandon dragging Woody Allen in front of a bunch of reporters. The next second, the universe drops me, and as I plummet to the ground, it kicks me in the already bruised-up culo while wearing Mexican pointy boots. That happened when one of my favorite panty cream-inducing douche lotharios, Adrien Brody, not only defended Roman Polanski, but he also defended Bill Cosby and Woody Allen. And he did it on Jenny McCarthy’s SiriusXM show. It’s a good thing that my mom isn’t like Jenny McCarthy and vaccinated me, because if she didn’t, listening to Adrien Brody defend the Unholy Trinity of Trash would’ve given me whooping cough of the ears.

Jeremy Irons Is Talking Again

March 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Jeremy Irons, aka that stuck-up brother-killing rat bastard Scar from The Lion King (as well as other things, I’m sure), has a lot of opinions pushing around in his head. I’m sure there are a bunch of harmless ones, like about scarves being the ultimate serious thespian accessory or how prayer hands are a much more sophisticated greeting than a tacky-ass wave. But the ones that end up coming out of his mouth are sometimes not as cute. Back in 2013, Jeremy hawked up a greasy thought wad about gay marriage possibly leading to fathers marrying their sons for tax reasons (an opinion he later tried to backpedal on). Well, now he’s got an opinion on abortions and marriage. And guess what? They’re the kind of opinions that he’s probably going to end up wishing he’d kept inside his head, tucked behind his brain stem along with that shit about gay marriage.

Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez’s On-Again/Off-Again Relationship Might Be On-Again

March 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Even though that picture looks like it was shot by Patterson-Gimlin and developed by Mr. Magoo in the trunk of a car, it only took me about 0.3 seconds to spot Selena Gomez. Because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s recognizing people who should love themselves enough not to go to a Justin Bieber concert. Okay sure, that’s technically everyone in the picture above, but in this case, it’s specifically Selena Gomez.

A Woman Claims She Got Beat Up By A Gang Of Witches After Using Katt Williams’ Bathroom

March 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Even for a Katt Williams story, there’s a whole hell of a lot to unpack here, so let’s get right to it. TMZ says that Lil’ Suge Knight has been sued by a woman named Jamila Majesty who claims that two years ago Katt ordered a beat down on her after she used his bathroom. Who knew Katt was so territorial about his litter box?

Amy Poehler’s Beverly Hills Mansion Is Sucking California Drier

March 14, 2016 / Posted by:

“Hi, you thirsty, literally, haters!” – the Marie Antoinette of the California drought in that picture.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the city of Beverly Hills has been the worst when it comes to cutting back on using water during the California drought. It takes a whole lot of water to keep their gigantic ass lawns lush and green, their pools full and their pristine skin cleansed of the peasant germs that touch them when they go outside of their gates. The state of California put its cities on a water diet by forcing cutbacks by as much as 35%. The rich bitches of Beverly Hills were forced to reduce their water use by 32%. They have failed hard and didn’t meet their goal for four straight months. State water officials have fined the city and so the city is punching back at its citizens the old-fashioned way: PUBLIC SHAMING!

Teresa Giudice Is Still Really Good At Not Breaking The Law, I See…

January 17, 2016 / Posted by:

To be fair, I’m sure it’s really difficult to read the list of “Do Not Dos” your lawyer gave you on the day you returned home from prison when you’ve got more artificial eyelashes than Lamb Chop stuck to your eyelids.

Less than one month after she was released from prison, Teresa Giudice is already breaking laws and trying to weasel her way out of trouble. “That’s my girl!” grunted Joe Giudice. TMZ says that on Thursday night, the human My Precious Puff almost had to call up the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution and tell them to put some fresh sheets on her bed. Teresa was leaving a red carpet event in New Jersey (don’t worry, I laughed at those words too) and realized she might not make her 10pm curfew. That’s uh-oh #1. So she hopped in an Uber and told her driver to haul ass. Of course, Teresa’s Uber got busted for speeding on the way home. That’s uh-oh #2.

As the police were talking to the Uber driver, Teresa piped up from the back seat and told them she was trying to get home by 10pm and it was her idea to drive like a mess. TMZ says that the police officer immediately recognized who she was, and agreed to let her go without a ticket because she had had such a shitty year.

Of course, this is just TMZ’s side of the story. I’m sure if you spoke to the police officer who caught them speeding, they would paint an entirely different picture. “Just as I started to write the driver a ticket, this horrible thing with crazy eyes popped up out of the backseat. All eyes and hair – I couldn’t tell where its forehead ended and its hairline started. I think it was The Babadook in low-budget New Jersey housewife drag. Anyways, it scared me so bad I damn near pissed my pants, so I let them go.

Pic: Splash

Puck From Glee Has Been Arrested For Possession Of Child Pornography

December 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s a whole ten tons of gross for a Tuesday, and no, I’m not referring to the cloud of sleazy douche stank that’s wafting off that picture above. According to Crime Watch Daily (via Extra), Mark Salling – aka Puck from Glee – was arrested this morning by the LAPD for possession of child pornography. Feel free to run to the bathroom and start your Silkwood shower now.

Sources say that the LAPD Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force Unit served Puck with a search warrant at his home early this morning. TMZ says the police were tipped off by an ex-girlfriend. Obviously shit wasn’t good when they got inside, because he was arrested shortly after. Extra says the alleged newest member of the Famous Sick Fucks club (current acting president: Subway Jared) is currently being transported to jail, where he’ll be booked and things might get messier.

This isn’t Mark Salling’s first time calling his lawyer and asking to clear some space in their day planner. Almost three years ago, Mark was sued by his ex-girlfriend for allegedly forcing her to have sex without a condom and getting violent with her. Except this is the first time his lawyer can play the “I don’t know him” card in the event they want to pass their client (and this whole alleged possession of child porn business) off to someone else. And it’s not exactly like they’d be lying; hearing the words “I don’t know him” in the same sentence as “Puck from Glee” is probably a pretty common occurrence in 2015.

Pic: Wenn.com

Kourtney Kardashian Is Allegedly Humping On Justin Bieber

December 13, 2015 / Posted by:

And the 2015 She Don’t Love Herself award goes to….

Back in October, Kourtney Kardashian – the stale old fashioned plain donut of the Kardashian family – was seen getting her single mom party on at a club with humanoid blue raspberry Go-Gurt tube Justin Bieber. At the time, I assumed Justin was interviewing for an entry-level position in the Kardashian Khorporation as a babysitter for Kourtney’s kids (you know, so she can get out to the clubs more than twice a week). But according to Gossip Cop, it turns out the only entry-level position she was auditioning for was – you know what? I can’t even finish that joke because it’s making me too nauseous just thinking about it.

36-year-old Kourtney and 21-year-old Justin were seen leaving a club on Friday night and going to Justin’s room at the Montage in Beverly Hills, where she didn’t leave until 4am. A source who’s name I’m sure doesn’t rhyme with Piss Penner tells Gossip Cop that they have been “casually hooking up” since hanging out in October. Yes, as in more than once. Even Kourtney’s deadbeat douchebag baby daddy Scott Disick is probably reacting to this news like “Him? Really?” Well, that or he’s flattered that his ex is rebounding with the Micro Machines version of himself.

This situation is all kinds of NO, but on the bright side, Kourtney won’t have to plan much if Justin decides to sleep over at her house on Christmas Eve. She still has a few days to write a letter to Santa and ask if he could throw a couple extra Legos in his sack. You know, so Justin doesn’t get jealous of Kourtney’s kids on Christmas morning and pout in the corner.

Here’s Kourtney and Justin leaving The Nice Guy on Friday night. I have no idea why Kourtney is dressed like an extra from Dynasty, but whatever the reason, I’m really bummed she didn’t go all out and feather the shit out the front of her hair. Ugh, so lazy this one.

Pics: Splash/INF

Miley Cyrus Dressed Like A Giant Horny Baby For Her New Video, Because Of Course She Did

December 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who is getting a case of the uncomfortables after looking at Miley Cyrus in adult baby drag. I’m sure even Pedobear was like “Okay, that’s enough internet for today” before shutting his laptop and whipping it out the window.

It’s been all of three weeks since Princess Skunk Weed of Hillbillia released her last WTF-worthy music video (you know, the one that looked like a 60’s liquid light show busted a messy nut on Miley’s face), and she must have got her hands on some stronger drugs since then, because Billy Ray’s kid has managed to make an even more bonkers video. Miley popped a squat and farted the video for a song called “BB Talk” onto the internet last night, and what came out what a cloud of Muppet Babies meets My Strange Addiction stank. Miley dresses up as a baby and sings about how she was fucking on a dude who kept filling her ears with baby talk, the result of which can only be described as a Galoob Baby Face doll that grew up in the bathroom of a Kum & Go. So basically, Miley Cyrus.

Obviously this isn’t the first time Miley has slipped into a diaper and redefined the words “not right“; Miley has been wearing a big baby suit on stage during her Dead Petz tour. But it is the first time she sat in a high chair and threw huge-ass Cheerios onto the ground while I thought to myself: “Well…I guess we all make some embarrassing choices in our 20s.

Even though the image of Baby Miley talking about getting her hump on so that she doesn’t have to listen to baby talk is totally going to be the star of my nightmares tonight, I do love that inflatable rubber duck. I know it’s nothing more than an inanimate bag of air with painted-on eyes, but that duck is totally searching for an exit harder than anyone has ever searched for an exit before.

Kylie Jenner And Tyga Might Be Back Together Already

November 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Well that was quick! In less time than it took her to pick a set of plastic lips off the menu in the Kardashian Khompound’s tune-up room, Kylie Jenner might have un-dumped Tyga. A whole 48 hours after it was announced that Kim II was taking a break from her adult boyfriend, she threw up a Snapchat picture of the two of them playing footsies on a couch with a message explaining that “Everyone needs to chill.” That loud whooshing sound you just heard was Tyga’s accountant letting out a huge sigh of relief after seeing that his client is still on the Kardashian kash train.

Some of you may be thinking “But wait – didn’t Kylie leave a club with ASAP Rocky on Friday night?” Yes, she did. But according to Hollywood Life, it was because ASAP Rocky was trying to convince Kylie to give Tyga another chance at relevancy. Or maybe it was because he saw an 18-year-old kid at a club and was like “Where’s your parents? Don’t you have school? Get in the car, I’m driving your ass home.” Either way, it looks like Tyga isn’t being re-written as a villain on KUWTK just yet.

Of course, Kylie’s “chill” message was lost on Pimp Mama Kris, who is hyperventilating with pride over how much attention Kylie was able to get from her first fake breakup.

Here’s Tyga’s teenage girlfriend shopping for Thanksgiving food yesterday. At least I’m assuming that’s what she was doing at the grocery store; she could have been picking up a couple fresh honey baked trouser hams for Khloe.

Pics: Snapchat, Splash

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