Juliette Lewis is one of the only disciples of L. Ron Hubbard I can stand (besides John Travolta’s wig, of course) because she doesn’t shit at the mouth about Scientology that much and because she was in the underrated TV jewel I Married Dora. But today, I nearly crushed the Thetans that live under my eyelids by rolling my eyes at the shit she said about why Scientology gets hate from the media.
During an interview with The Daily Beast, Juliette was asked about the biggest misconceptions about Scientology. Juliette said that Scientology is a self-help movement and the mainstream media will never write anything truthful about it, because they’re funded by Big Pharma and Tom Cruise spoke out against the pharmaceutical industry when he ranted about Brooke Shields taking anti-depressants to deal with postpartum depression (among other things). Juliette adjusted her tin foil bonnet and barfed this up:
I’ll get all conspiratorial on you, and I’m just going to throw this out: The mainstream media is funded by pharmaceutical companies, so when you have the biggest movie star in the world at the time—Tom Cruise—coming out against anti-depressants and Ritalin and just saying, “Hey, why don’t you put a warning label on there?” The thing about Scientology is it is anti-drug in that you’re seeking relationship or communication tools—simple basics on how to live better. So, when Tom came out about that, I’ve never seen someone get torn down so hard, and they still brutalize him with Scientology pieces to this day. It’s a religious philosophy and self-help movement. And you’ll never see a truthful word written about it in mainstream media.
Yes, it was little ole’ Tommy Girl who almost brought down the zillion dollar pharmaceutical industry by shitting on anti-depressants. If anything, Tommy Girl’s rant put more money into the pockets of those greedy ass Big Pharma bitches, because some of us needed to snort crushed Prozac cut with Valium after listening to him.
I can think of a million other reasons for why people hate on Scientology. Off the top of my head, I hate on Scientologists, because they probably see John Travolta all the time in the auditing waiting room and shit and they never tell him to shave those gross pubes off of his face. So answer that, glib ass Juliette.
Happy 44th Birthday to Clayton Moore! Have you seen that hot new movie The Blob? When I see you at the malt shop later, Daddy-O, I’ll give you the Connie Francis record you let me borrow. I mean, black women are being questioned by the cops for kissing white dudes in public, so we’re obviously still stuck in the 50s, right?
Actress Daniele Watts, who played Coco in Django Unchained and is in the FX show Partners, says that last Thursday in Studio City, CA, the cops harassed her and put her into handcuffs after they mistook her for a hooker. Daniel’s husband Brian James Lucas, who’s white, tells TMZ that some dumb fuck saw them kissing inside of their car and figured that she was a hooker and he was her john. Their car was parked outside of CBS Studios. She was there to meet with a director. The dumb fuck called the police and the police showed up. Daniele claims that after she kissed her husband in the car, she got out of the car and started talking to her dad on the phone while standing on the sidewalk. As she talked to him, the cops approached her and asked to see her ID. They also asked to see her husband’s ID. Brian gave the cops his ID, but Daniele refused because she didn’t do anything wrong. The cops handcuffed her and made her sit in the back of their car. Daniele wrote all about this mess on Facebook (click here to read it). The cops eventually let Daniele go when they found out who she is.
No, you’re not looking at a baby chipmunk searching for acorns hidden under the hat of a come-to-life Cherry Merry Muffin doll (you’re right; he is really more of a Banancy). It’s actually a picture of human messy hangover shit Justin Bieber and toddler-faced bad decision maker Selena Gomez acting like a set of dumb delinquent babies at a bible study on Wednesday night. Yes, apparently they have bible study for children now. If I had to guess, it’s probably shit like “A is for Apple, the fruit given to Eve by a snake. B is for Baby, born in a manger. Can you find baby Jesus sleeping in the manger? Very good!” followed by a couple episodes of Veggie Tales.
According to The Mirror (via Daily Mail), Justin and his on-again/off-again girlfriend arrived late to the bible study at City Church in Los Angeles on Wednesday night, because they had to get all their pre-teen hornies out first. Justin Instagrammed (then quickly deleted) a picture of he and Selena looking like they’re auditioning for a shitty remake of The Bodyguard before joining everyone else in the church, and a source claims that once they finally made it inside:
“The pair sat next to each other while partaking in Bible study and seemed very close. They then left together in Bieber’s car. Justin looked really comfortable with Selena as he still thinks their bond is unbreakable and knows that Selena will always love him.”
Selena Gomez doesn’t need a bible study, she needs a damn exorcism! If that toddler-faced trick has crawled back to Rosemary’s spoiled asshole baby, then we’re going to need an old priest, a young priest, and a priest familiar with spoiled demon brat dickmatization! It might not be too late to save her before she starts muttering nonsense (“I love that thin patchy dirt ‘stache of yours, Justin!”) and crawling down the stairs backwards.
Pic: Daily Mail (via Instagram)
Lil Kim really set the fucked-up celebrity baby names of 2014 bar high when she named her kid Royal Reign, but Omarion kicked the bar down and set it higher than Lolo Jones’ seat at the Beyonce-Jay-Z show. Omarion (that’s “that one kid from B2K” for those of you who remember B2K and “Never heard of him” to those of you don’t remember B2K) is now somebody’s father and he already proved that he should definitely be in charge of another human being by giving his son a name that “THE FUCK?” coughed up. Omarion (born name: Omari Ishmael Grandberry) and his girlfriend, singer type Apryl Jones, are now parents to a little baby boy and yesterday he introduced his kid on Instagram and also let us know that he’s a major contender in the fucked-up celebrity baby name game.
World. Allow me to introduce. MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY. He is 7 pounds. 4oz & 20 inches long. My son I’ve been waiting on you. God is the realist!! I witnessed a miracle. My soul mate @aprylsjones is so strong! Not only did she have a un medicated birth (no drugs) she did it at home. Naturally. Just like my mom had me. I love you. thank you for having my legacy. I’ll forever belong to you & you will forever be tied to me. Creating a child takes no love or skill but being a parent requires lots of both. Thanks for watching me grow. #MEGAAhome #OmarionsonMEGAA #donthateonmysonsnameillkillya #Nolol #royalObloodline #blasain #mysongotgoodhair #freshpitthewombhandsom alright. I love y’all
Apryl might’ve had an all-natural, drug-free birth, but I have a feeling that she and Omorion (typo and it ain’t moving) dropped acid before writing their baby’s name on the birth certificate. I mean:
MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY????? MEGAA with two As.
Here are 4 things that should be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:
1. A berry in the Pokemon universe that restores 30 HP, but will also give your Pokemon a serious case of the sugar shakes and a migraine. Your Pokemon may or may not combust after eating this berry.
2. A canned protein shake that Whole Foods sells for $19.99 and is later pulled off of the shelves after the FDA finds out that it contains a chemical that causes heart palpitations and diarrhea.
3. A Harry Potter spell that turns regular water into Vitamin Water.
4. A cereal from the 80s that your parents thought was healthy but later found out that each serving has 30 grams of sugar in it. MegaMan was the face of that cereal.
And here is 1 thing that shouldn’t be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:
1. A human baby who will one day realize that his parents named him Megaa Omari Grandberry.
And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).
Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: ”I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:
“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”
Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:
“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”
I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:
“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her? Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”
Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.
Kanye West Says That The Celebrities Who Fight Back Against The Paparazzi Are The New Civil Rights Activists
Good news for those of you who like to start your morning off with a heaping helping of piping-hot delusion spit from the mouth of an obnoxious narcissist: TMZ has obtained a copy of Kanye West’s deposition in the case where he’s accused of whooping a pap and smashing his camera, and it’s truly Kanye at his most Kanye-iest. Which is to say, he comes across as an egotistical pampered asshole who chugs 2L bottles of liquid arrogance to stays hydrated. »
Um, those two dogs on the left making a “This Is Not What I Signed Up For” face should really tell their Chow Chow friend, Genghis Khan II, that opening his mouth when Terry Richardson is around is never a good idea. Or maybe GK2 is silently screaming and shutting his eyes because he can’t with this mess. Probably the latter.
The woman who Blake NotSoLively will one day skin alive and wear posed for a spread in Net-A-Porter’s print magazine Porter and before the shoot, she was given a list of photographers to choose from. Fashionista (via Jezebel) says that Terry Richardson was on that list. If you were doing a shoot for Porter Magazine and they gave you a list with Uncle Terry’s name on it, you’d probably say, “Why are you giving me the National Sex Offender Registry? Give me that list of photographers!” Martha didn’t do that and out of all the photographers on the list, she went with the human chloroform rag. Either the name Terry Richardson hasn’t penetrated through the mint green bubble that Martha lives in or she figured that since she’s all out of Creme De La Mer, she might as well try a new facial cream. Porter says that after the come-to-life stock photo of a pedophile shot her, she told everyone he was “cute.” This is the reason why the Strawberry Shortcake bar I ate last night is crawling up my throat:
“It is the first time these two controversy-hounds have met but it is, like so much in Stewart’s life, no accident. After debating over a long list of photographers, America’s house-mother superior insisted that Richardson shoot her. ‘Oh, he is cute,’ she will say later, when he comes to say goodbye.”
The only thing more WTF-ish than Uncle Terry shooting Martha Stewart is Martha Stewart calling Uncle Terry “cute.” Calling Terry Richardson “cute” is like calling a hairy ass wart that a rat chewed off “adorable.” But anybody who has seen the disgusting plates of barf-covered diarrhea that Martha has tweeted knows that she’s blind when it comes to nasty crap.
And I hope that Martha thinking that Uncle Terry is cute isn’t going to lead to a more “intimate” photo shoot, because my eyeballs were not built to take in the sight of Uncle Terry’s leaky dick on Martha Stewart’s forehead.
Last year, Professor Tara Reid cleared up a misconception most of us had. Most of us believed (no, we didn’t) that when a whale and a shark love each other very much, they make beautiful bareback whale shark love together and a whale shark is born 9 months later. Tara let us know that she thought the same exact thing, but after doing a little research (no, “research” is not the name of a new kind of cocaine that’s made with vodka), she learned that a whale shark isn’t the broken condom baby of a whale and a shark. It’s just a different kind of shark! Minds were blown and science hasn’t been the same since. Well, Tara Reid is back with another scientific fact that will turn your brain inside out.
While talking to GQ about the future Emmy-sweeper Sharknado 2, Tara was asked if a sharknado can happen for real. As a cokenado filled her head, Tara’s lone brain cell folded in half and rubbed its halves together to spit out this genius answer:
“You know, it actually can happen. I mean, the chances of it happening are very rare, but it can happen actually. Which is crazy. Not that it—the chances of it are, like, you know, it’s like probably ‘pigs could fly.’ Like, I don’t think pigs could fly, but actually sharks could be stuck in tornados. There could be a sharknado.”
“I really couldn’t have put it more eloquently myself if I tried,” said every scientist who ever lived.
I never thought about it like that before. Tara Reid is right! If a shark met a tornado, fell in love with it and the two got stuck together while consummating their love, they’d be a sharknado!
You know, you can accuse Tara of butchering her stomach until it looked like a ham that was hacked to pieces with a machete and glued back together with Gorilla Glue, but you cannot accuse her of being anything but the scientific mind of this generation!
It’s Monday, so you might as well start stretching your eye roll muscle and prepare it for a week’s worth of eye rolling by scanning Kanye West’s latest cold puddle of verbal wet shit. Seen above looking like a constipated, bitchy toddler throwing a pout tantrum after you tell him he can’t wear his favorite black leather jogging pants, Kuntye farted at the mouth to GQ about his stupid wedding, stupid fashion shit and how Kim Kartrashian is the greatest thing to happen to the world. Most of us are so used to Kanye filling our heads with dried dingles of delusion, so he said, “I AM LIKE THE JEWS AND THE PAPARAZZI ARE LIKE HITLER,” we’d just roll our eyes a little to the left and continue chewing our breakfast sandwich. Kanye doesn’t compare the paparazzi to Hitler, but he does say that being a celebrity today is like being black in the 1960s. Either I wasn’t totally paying attention during the lesson on the Civil Rights Movement in the 6th grade or Kanye’s brain has been switched with that of a dead sloth, because I somehow missed the part where black people were given Givenchy gowns to wear to their protests and instead of getting attacked by police dogs and beaten by racists, they had their picture taken and were asked to sign autographs. I was taught wrong! The American education system is really leaving every child behind. Kuntye should be named Secretary of Education, so he can teach the children how history really went.
As soon as the interview starts, Kanye opens up his insufferable delusion dispenser and he completely loses me. I have no idea what he’s talking about most of the time and I smoke weed. Spam emails make sense to me. Kanye dribbles out some shit about the wedding, being a blowfish and Carine Roitfeld . If you really want to hurt your brain, you can read the entire interview here. I’ve thrown up a few highlights (and by “highlights” I mean “lowlights“) after the cut. WARNING: A severe flash flood of delusion and insanity is ahead: »