Do not want. Do not want now, do not want ever, do not want even as a joke. I didn’t think it got any worse than unhip white people trying to rap, but it did. It got soooooo much worse. These are the times I wish I had access to time travel, so I could go back to yesterday, hunt Jimmy Fallon down like the Predator, and tell him I’m a visitor from the future here to warn him that unless he single-handedly wants to re-define NOPE, he should think twice about accompanying Ann-WITH-AN-E Hathaway as she sings a medley of rap songs like a lounge singer.
Everything about this was just so…dorky. It was like a Dad Joke came alive and crashed your sleepover by asking if anyone wanted to see his impression of “Snoop Doggy Dog”. If there is a merciful God watching over us, I pray that he never makes us witness Ann-WITH-AN-E-SO-HELP-ME-GOD throwing up gang signs and trying to back that ass up (which looked about as comfortable as Tom Cruise trying not to barf in his mouth while describing a vagina). Oh, and AnnEEEEEE? If I wanted the poor man’s Liza, I’d call up Lea Michele.
Here’s more of annE Hatha-way-kewl getting ready to promote Rio 2 on Good Morning America this morning. I think she took that sing-rapping a little too serious, because she’s mean muggin like a straight gangsta. For those of you who don’t speak Hatha-hater (her words OF COURSE) it means she looks like a miserable bitch. She finally flashed a smile as she was leaving the studio, but I have no idea why; being seen in public looking like Uncle Terry fucking inside of an IKEA area rug is nothing to be smile about.
30-year-old Kitty, a dog trainer (yes, Kitty the dog trainer) and married mother of 1 tells ABC News that for years people have been telling her that she looks just like Jennifer Lawrence and I’m going to guess that most of those people were either drunk to the point where EVERYTHING looked like Jennifer Lawrence to them or they were legally blind, because Kitty looked like Jennifer Lawrence as much as my tattered b-hole looks like Megan Fox holding a rose in her mouth.
People telling Kitty that she looks like Jennifer Lawrence planted a seed in her brain and out sprouted the crazy idea to spend $25,000 (minus the discount from her plastic surgeon for doing it on TV) get six plastic surgeries to look even more like Jennifer Lawrence. Kitty’s four-week-long fuckery journey to become Jennifer Lawrence’s twin started in February at the First Surgical Hospital in Houston. Kitty’s plastic surgeon Dr. Franklin Rose gave her face lipo, body lipo, a titty job, a nose job and fat grafts to her cheeks and ass. All surgeries took six hours total and it took several weeks for her to fully recover from getting nipped, tucked and sucked. Kitty says that she ultimately got the surgery, because after she birthed out her 5-year-old daughter, she wasn’t that comfortable with her body and she really, really loves Jennifer Lawrence.
“I’m not trying to look like Pamela Anderson here during her ‘Baywatch’ days. I’m trying to look like a very capable, very personal level-headed female who is an Academy Award winner. I am a strong woman. I am in charge of how I look and I can change that and then change that again if I want. The reason why I decided to get surgery is because post having my daughter, I wasn’t quite as comfortable with my body,” she said. “I don’t think you have to be crazy to want to look better or feel better about yourself. That’s not crazy.”
The money for Kitty’s plastic surgeries came from a “me fund” she started before having her daughter. Kitty’s husband Eric didn’t think she needed to be touched with the plastic surgeon’s scalpel and he’s kind of “eh” about Jennifer Lawrence, so yeah he’s pretty much done with her ass. After all those surgeries, Kitty says she really looks like Jennifer Lawrence now. Here’s Kitty before, after and a picture of the celebrity she looks nothing like. Nothing is more tragic than a face cloning fail.
If I had $25,000 to spend on whatever, I’d spend it on hiring a scientist to perfectly replicate Jell-O 1-2-3 (aka the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth next to hard peen), so who am I to judge? (Actually, I’m still judging her, because spending $25k on bringing back Jell-O-1-2-3 is less crazy than proving that you’re a super stalker by getting plastic surgery to look like Jennifer Lawrence of all hos.) But it’s her money, her body and if she’s happy and sees Jennifer Lawrence when she looks in the mirror, then good for her. But the only way she’ll really look like Jennifer Lawrence is if Jennifer Lawrence was really Mystique and shapeshifted into Kitty. Because I see Mandy Moore, Kristen Wiig, Backdoor Farrah, a little Drew Barrymore and Kat Dennings, but I don’t see Jennifer Lawrence at all. It’s going to be really awkward when Jennifer Lawrence is asked about this and she’s horrified by the creepiness of it all. If that happens, Kitty can start hating on Jennifer Lawrence and stan for a trick she really looks like, like a Real Housewife of Any City for instance.
Here’s Kitty (and another chick who got surgery to look like Michelle Rodriguez) on ABC News.
And here’s a preview of what it looks like when Michael Bay simultaneously shits and jacks off on 80s childhood favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That headline is dripping with zero sarcasm, because I really thought this trailer would be nothing but Megan Fox washing the Ninja Turtles’ shells in a bikini while shit exploded behind her over and over again. But the trailer for the Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles movie is maybe 10% explosions and the rest is made up of shit crashing into shit, leftover scenes from Transformers movies and the highest-paid masking doll Megan Fox trying to look shocked and surprised when she’s really giving off the emotion of a wet Rubbermaid silicone trivet. I have nothing but hate for this mess of a trailer, because Partners in Kryme is nowhere to be heard and what they did to the Ninja Turtles is the definition of NOT RIGHT.
THROW ALL THE HOLY WATER AT IT!
Megan Fox shouldn’t have just fainted. Her rubber face should’ve slid off of her skull at the sight of that mutated Shrek dingle. The only way to explain why the Ninja Turtles look like Satan’s kidney stones is to say that they were created when Lindsay Lohan sneezed out a clump of boogers onto a turtle after snorting battery acid and uranium. They look more like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds.
And here’s the living and breathing Real Doll in L.A. with her son a few days ago.
Entertainment Weekly (via CS) published the first pictures of Zoe Saldana and Patrick J. Adams in the four-hour mini-series that a bunch of head bitches at NBC thought would be a good idea to make after they did the molly a janitor found in Al Roker’s dressing room. This Rosemary’s Baby goes down in Paris, but everything else is the same as far as we know. You know, dramatic ass Rosemary moves into a new apartment with her fame whore husband. Bitch gets knocked up, strange shit starts to happen, her friend dies, she finds out that her nosy neighbors are members of a Satanic cult and she thinks they want to sacrifice her baby. She births out the demon child and finds out he’s the antichrist. If you replaced the name “Rosemary” with “Patti” and replaced “Paris” with “a town in Canada,” you’d basically have the events leading up to Justin Bieber’s life.
Yes, I’m glad that JLo’s “Enough” wig is getting work again, but it doesn’t look like Zoe Saldana is really committing. A real thespian who is devoted to their craft would’ve cut their hair for real! They wouldn’t have worn one of John Travolta’s old ones and called it good. If Daniel Day-Lewis played Rosemary, he would’ve taken two years off before filming to lose half his body weight, get gender reassignment surgery and find a way to get knocked up by the seed of Satan so he could spend 9 months shuffling back and forth in a dark apartment while wearing a flimsy nightgown. That’s commitment!
With all that being said, I’d hit it. Well, look at her crotch in those sweats. She’s obviously hung like her last name’s Hamm.
Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again
Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.
TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!
When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.
At first I was like “Yeah, that’s a bit creepy” but then my brain looked at me like “Girl, you frontin like your jealous ass never threw pins in hastily-constructed voodoo doll you learned how to make by stealing books from the public library”. TRUTH! You could be the sweetest, most kitten cuddling-est person in the world until someone does you dirty, and then the gloves come off and you’re lighting your exes shit on fire and getting suspended for sending nasty letters to that slut Lisa McIntire during work hours. So, I get it, 1992 Mia Farrow. I get it.
Since this is the week that everything is terrible and just reading the words Woody, Mia, Dylan, or Open Letter make you want to crawl inside a tauntaun sleeping bag with a Costco-sized bag of chocolate-dipped Wavy Lays, it should be no surprise that 60 Minutes has unearthed the 1992 interview with Woody Allen where he first defends himself against allegations of child abuse. Ugh, excuse me while I get that sleeping bag.
You won’t really learn anything new from the interview (you already know that creepy turtles be creepin) but he does talk about how after Mia discovered his affair with her daughter, Soon-Yi, she gifted him with a series of angry phone calls and this valentine. If you’re looking at this valentine and wondering where the chocolate is, it has been replaced by a photo of Mia and her children, a knife wrapped in a picture of Soon-Yi, and a small poem to the right that reads: “My child you used and pierced my hearts a hundred times and deep”. That’s pretty controlled for a woman who found out her husband was doing not-right shit with her kids; I feel like the majority of us would have skipped the valentine and sent a hot shit in a paper bag with a note that says “HOPE YOU’RE HUNGRY, FUCKER” instead.
That valentine looks suspicious. Woody says that Mia hand-delivered the valentine to him, but that doesn’t make any sense. Did she insert the knife when she got there? “Hold this for a sec? I still need to stab it”. Also, the knife is through Mia; why would she stab herself? I want to get to the bottom of this; since we’re unearthing everything about Woody Allen this week, can someone try to find out if he signed up for the Valentine’s Crafternoon Class at Michaels in 1992?
Thanks to Uncle Terry and his man muse Jared Leto, you now know what it would look like if a hipster Jesus starred in a gay porn parody of The Shining. The hairy nipples and wet American Apparel chonies are really the stars of this pic.
Uncle Terry shat up these pictures on his Tumblr yesterday of Jordan Catalano looking like a greasy, coked up, mostly waxed Jesus in Tulum, Mexico. Never mind that Uncle Terry will shoot a close-up of a pore on a chick’s clit yet there’s a big white towel covering Jesus Jared’s “hurt like Satan” dick in almost all of these pictures, I still don’t know how it’s possible that Jared Leto is 42 years old. Jared Leto looks so damn young that even noted cradle robber Taylor Swift is trying to get on that. What is the secret to his youthful beauty? Does he maintain his youth by sacrificing a stolen newborn baby to Papa Legba ever year? Don’t even say that the fountain of youth is Uncle Terry’s dick and Jared keeps his youthful pretty intact by getting Uncle Terry jizz facials during their vacations together, because that’s obviously not true. I mean, Lindsay Lohan has probably been there, done that, swallowed it and smeared it and look at her.
Pics: Terry’s Diary
An ocean of stupid poured of Evander Holyfield’s mouth last weekend when he, a dude who regularly pounded other dudes for a gold belt and a purse, said that being gay is a choice and can be cured. Well, more dumb shit came out of Evander’s mouth last night. Before Evander Holyfield became the first trick evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house in Britain, he told a charming story (read: not at all charming story) about how he once fisted a knocked up horse in the jaw. The horseophobic mess told his fellow housemates Liz Jones and Luisa Zissman that he once fell off of a horse and he took it out on the horse by punching her. I guess his brain really was located in his right ear.
Evander: I was so mad, cause I didn’t know my horse was pregnant and the horse feet barely missed me when I fell. I was so mad at the horse, cause I fell. I hit him right in the jaw.
Luisa: That’s awful. I hate people that do that.
Liz: You punched a horse?!
Evander: Yeah, I punched it.
Liz: But you’re a heathen. You’re a heathen.
Evander: I know I was embarrassed by it, but-
Luisa: I think that’s disgusting.
“You punched my pregnant horse” is the new “you kicked my dog” and I don’t like it.
The fuck is wrong with Evander Holyfield? I know, asking “the fuck is wrong with Evander Whoryfield?” is like asking “the fuck is wrong with Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Kanye West, etc…..?” The answer is a long list and we all know what’s on that list. But Evander is a wreck for thinking it’s okay to punch a pregnant horse and for thinking it’s okay to say that you punched a pregnant horse on live TV. If he punched a pigeon, Mike Tyson would’ve stopped cuddling with his favorite pigeon friend to bite that bitch’s tongue out.
But I’m sure there’s more to the story. I’m sure there’s another reason for why Evander punched that pregnant horse. That pregnant horse probably complained about being cold and wasn’t putting God first in her life.
Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.
“Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.”
At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!“ Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.
All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.
Brad Pitt is in 12 Years A Slave for about 5 fast minutes, but it’s his face and Michael Fassbender’s face that are the stars of the movie’s posters in Italy. Tumblr user Carefree Black Girl is in Italy and says that the posters for 12 Years A Slave make the movie seem like it’s a BRAD PITT MOVIE! She wrote this (via Vulture):
I was at the movies the other day ( I live in Italy) and I saw the poster for 12 Years A Slave. I’ve been following the press for months and I can’t wait to watch it but REALLY? I don’t remember Brad Pitt being the protagonist of the film or having such a pivotal role in the story to stay in the middle of the poster…
I sure don’t know anything about marketing strategy to appeal audiences but isn’t this going to far?
Some are screaming racism and some are saying that they put Brad Pitt’s big face on the poster, because he’s the biggest star and they want to sell the movie. Brad Pitt is also a huge star here in the US (ugh) and his giant face is not on the poster. Besides, if they were going with the “Let’s put the biggest STAH on the poster” route, then they should’ve put Michael Fassbender’s huge dick on the poster. It’s a bigger star than Michael Fassbender himself and Brad Pitt combined. Michael Fassbender’s big dick doesn’t totally make a cameo in the movie, but I think I saw its print when he wore old timey pajamas.
But seriously, that poster is a serious mess. Every hardcore Brangeloonie who worships at the altar of Brangelina is looking at that poster and saying, “Hey, I have that airbrushed on the side of my van!” That poster makes it looks like 12 Years A Slave is an Amish romance drama starring Brad Pitt as White Jesus.