Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall at InTouch Weekly’s offices when the editors got the e-mail confirming that Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant just as they were about to hand Michael Lohan a money order in exchange for exclusive and real ultrasound scans of his knocked up daughter’s fetus.
Proving once again that Michael Lohan spews enough bullshit to keep Home Depot’s manure section fully stocked for decades, Dina Lohan confirms to TMZ that LiLo is not going to pussy burp out a giant freckle with a Russian accent in a few months, because she was never pregnant. LiLo was the first to start the pregnancy rumors by tweeting (and then deleting) about how she was knocked up. Michael Lohan later claimed that LiLo told him in a text that he’s going to be somebody’s grandpappy , but her friend Hofit Golan basically said to not listen to him. Well, Hofit was right, because it turns out that LiLo’s pregnancy was all just a regular Lohan-brand lie.
Lena Dunham is driving the OUTRAGE train like no this week. First, when Girls producers Tami Sagher posted on Instagram about how New Yorkers should rip the guns from the Jason Bourne posters in the subway, Lena shared that post and added, “Good idea… Let’s go!” And now Lena (seen above appropriating the female dog culture by wearing a “bitches” sweatshirt) has let everyone know that she too thinks that crap sushi is highly offensive to the Japanese culture. Lena Dunham just has to rant about how “dressing like animals for Halloween is offensive and belittling to animals” and she’d officially become a Portlandia sketch in human form.
The universe is a shifty bitch who gets off on playing with our emotions. One second, the universe lifts me up passed the stars by giving us Susan Sarandon dragging Woody Allen in front of a bunch of reporters. The next second, the universe drops me, and as I plummet to the ground, it kicks me in the already bruised-up culo while wearing Mexican pointy boots. That happened when one of my favorite panty cream-inducing douche lotharios, Adrien Brody, not only defended Roman Polanski, but he also defended Bill Cosby and Woody Allen. And he did it on Jenny McCarthy’s SiriusXM show. It’s a good thing that my mom isn’t like Jenny McCarthy and vaccinated me, because if she didn’t, listening to Adrien Brody defend the Unholy Trinity of Trash would’ve given me whooping cough of the ears.
Jeremy Irons, aka that stuck-up brother-killing rat bastard Scar from The Lion King (as well as other things, I’m sure), has a lot of opinions pushing around in his head. I’m sure there are a bunch of harmless ones, like about scarves being the ultimate serious thespian accessory or how prayer hands are a much more sophisticated greeting than a tacky-ass wave. But the ones that end up coming out of his mouth are sometimes not as cute. Back in 2013, Jeremy hawked up a greasy thought wad about gay marriage possibly leading to fathers marrying their sons for tax reasons (an opinion he later tried to backpedal on). Well, now he’s got an opinion on abortions and marriage. And guess what? They’re the kind of opinions that he’s probably going to end up wishing he’d kept inside his head, tucked behind his brain stem along with that shit about gay marriage.
Even though that picture looks like it was shot by Patterson-Gimlin and developed by Mr. Magoo in the trunk of a car, it only took me about 0.3 seconds to spot Selena Gomez. Because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s recognizing people who should love themselves enough not to go to a Justin Bieber concert. Okay sure, that’s technically everyone in the picture above, but in this case, it’s specifically Selena Gomez.