Category: I Can’t With You

I Guess Fran Lebowitz Has Never Seen Richard Simmons Before

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Social commentator and author Fran Lebowitz talked to Elle about the current state of style and the entire interview is hilarious. It’s like talking to your crabby auntie who wears the same white button down and black skirt to family reunions and sits in the corner nibbling on Royal Dansk cookies while making stank face. Fran thinks yoga pants are destroying women, believes ladies can learn from drag queens, thinks NYC is suffering from a mirror drought (because so many people are walking around looking a mess) and says that a man in shorts is one of the most terrifying things to happen to her eyes. Auntie Fran’s got some fightin’ words!

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Azealia Banks Hates Everything About America

March 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, she hates EVERYTHING about America. This is the country that gave us Dynasty, Bea Arthur (it’s my second Bea Arthur reference of the day, because she is my religion and I have a quota to fill), vaporizer pioneer Bill Amato and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. And yet, she still hates EVERYTHING? I cannot.

Yesterday, I linked to a few things that rapper, professional Twitter troll and anti-Igloo Australia activist Azealia Banks told Playboy, but she said a lot more. Azealia Banks, who was born in America and lives in America, told an American magazine she was paid to pose naked in that she wants to leave this country, because she hates everything about it from the fat white people to the racist memaws of teenage KMart cashiers. CAUTION: Farm shaming ahead!

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Dr. Phil’s Interview With Nick Gordon Was A Disaster

March 11, 2015 / Posted by:

But you probably already knew that without even watching it.

As expected, Dr. Phil’sintervention” with Bobbi Kristina Brown’s boyfriend Nick Gordon was an erratic, fame whore train wreck that ended with the lukewarm butt plug of smug Dr. Phil patting himself on the back. If Everlast sold punching bags with Dr. Phil’s face on it, they would become the richest company in the world and we’d all have arms as thick as Jon Hamm’s dick.

A big piece of the episode was spent on Dr. Phil talking to Nick Gordon’s mom Michelle Gordon. Michelle says that she couldn’t take care of Nick and so he went to live with Whitney Houston. But Nick has said before that Michelle kicked him out. Michelle has reportedly been estranged from Nick and only talks to him here and there, but I guess when Dr. Phil’s people wave a check at you, you get in contact with your son real quick.

Michelle told Dr. Phil that her son is in a dark, bad place and that he’s tried to kill himself with pills several times. Michelle also told Dr. Phil that Whitney Houston always wanted to keep Nick and Bobbi Kristina close to her and so they went to rehab with her three times. Michelle claims that Nick didn’t have any addictions back then, but he went to rehab, because Nippy wanted him near her. Michelle kept the craziness coming. She also claimed that Nick called her minutes after Whitney’s body was found and cried because he gave Nippy CPR and couldn’t bring her back. The Houston family denies that happened.

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Bobby Brown’s Family Is Allegedly Shooting A Reality Show Because This Is The World We Live In

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The next time you’re at a family reunion and you’re watching your uncles drunkenly fight on the patio after one of them said that the other one’s wife has lonjas for days, try to ignore the sound of your auntie hysterically screaming while trying to break up the fight with her shoe and think to yourself, “Well, at least they’re not AS trashy as Bobby Brown’s family.

When Bobby Brown’s family got into that big, messy fight at his birthday party, they probably realized that the next time they fight, it should be in front of cameras, because they might as well get paid for their trashiness. That IS the American way, after all. TMZ says that as Bobbi Kristina Brown remains in a coma, her family on her dad’s side is shooting their own reality show. Bobby’s two sisters, Tina and Leolah, his brother and their kids are shooting the show. Bobby’s lawyer claims that he’s not involved and won’t be in it at all. They haven’t shot inside of Bobbi Kristina Brown’s hospital room and I’m guessing it’s not because they still have a sliver of decency left. The hospital probably won’t let them. But they regularly talk about Bobbi Kristina’s condition at home while the cameras are rolling.

TMZ says that Leolah pushed herself into the news shortly after Whitney Houston’s death when she blamed Ray-J for enabling Nippy’s coke habit. Tina is the one who broke a bottle on her son’s head during that family fight and she also once admitted to smoking crack with Nippy.

This is not the sequel to Being Bobby Brown I wanted or needed. I wanted more popping doody bubble talk and no life support talk.

Page Six says that it’s not known if a network is involved at this point yet. Hmm… I wonder which network would actually pay money for this mess. The answer: ALL OF THEM (but you know it’s going to be TLC).

“Fifty Shades Of Grey” Endangers Lives!

February 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Health Warning: Not only is there a chance that Fifty of  Shades Grey will put you into a deep coma from the boredom of it all, but there’s also a chance that you might get shanked by a crazed, horny mom who won’t be shushed.

The Telegraph says that during a showing of Fifty Squirts of Mom Jizz at a theater in Glasgow, Scotland on Saturday night, the police had to be called after a fight broke out between a dude and the three women he told to quiet down. Witnesses say that the chicks were making all kind of noises, and when he let them know that they need to turn it all the way down, they went crazy on him and allegedly “glassed” him with a glass bottle. You can get boozed up at that theater, so witnesses believe the women were plastered (duh). The cops arrested the three and charged them with disorderly conduct.

One witness named Michael Bolton (yes, it’s best if you picture thee Michael Bolton) talked to The Telegraph about that mess and proved that he should be a movie critic and crime reporter, because he has a way with words:

“Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theater and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed. It’s a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema.”

A rep for the police department said that despite reports, the dude wasn’t hit with a bottle and nobody was “glassed.” Nobody was injured.

What we’ve learned here is that if you’re watching Fifty Shades and someone is making loud noises, do not disturb them. It might be a horny soccer mom (or in this case, a horny football maw) getting off on that boring shit and you do not want to interrupt her as she rubs one out. Interrupting a crazy ho as she gets hers during Fifty Shades is like interrupting Mama June as she eats Korean BBQ. It won’t end well. Just keep your lips shut and cover the top of your popcorn bag, unless you don’t mind a little cooch cream in there. It’s okay to not hear what’s being said in that shit show. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not an artistic piece of cinema that’s filled with poetic prose like Body of Evidence (example of poetic prose: “Don’t look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That’s what I do; I fuck.”).

On a different note, I haven’t seen that wreck and wasn’t planning on it, but now I’m going to after finding out that it pisses Lolo Jones off.

And here’s the human form of tap water known as Dakota Johnson wearing a picnic tablecloth outside of Late Night with David Letterman tonight.

Pic: Splash

Speaking Of Cougars, Paris Hilton Might Be Dating An 18-Year-Old Model

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a short-haired Taylor Swift hitching a ride on a waxed proboscis monkey, the Daily Mail says that former celebrity and current person who plays music at parties Paris Hilton has gone and traded in her 23-year-old boyfriend River Viiperi for 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett. In case you’ve forgotten, or your brain won’t allow you to remember facts about Paris Hilton (good for it), Paris Hilton is 33-year-years old. Paris Hilton has herpes sores that are closer in age to her new boyfriend that she is.

Paris and Jordan are both in Italy for Milan Fashion Week were recently seen getting close at a party on Sunday night. They’ve also been posting what looks like outtakes from a Motherboy photo shoot to Instagram, because nothing says “We’re Probably Doing It” like blurry Chris Hansen-approved Instagram selfies.

I can’t throw shade at Paris Hilton for dating a Taylor Swift-looking fetus, because you do what you gotta do when you’re a notorious skank like Paris Hilton. She probably went after an 18-year-old because he’s young enough to not remember when 1 Night in Paris was released, and yet old enough that she doesn’t go to jail. Again. That, or she’s using him to break into the lucrative world of Bar Mitzvah DJing.

And if you want to see what a thirsty old attention whore slithering up against a come-to-life Kevin doll looks like, here’s another pic of Paris and Jordan:

JordanParis1

Pics: Paris Hilton, Jordan Barrett

Backdoor Farrah Got Her Jacked-Up Trout Lips Fixed (And Yes, She’s Going To Be On Botched)

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m talking about the lips on her mouth. No word yet on her other lips.

Wannabe porn star/Christian author/Mother of the Century/Black Belt Fame Whore, Farrah Abraham, made every crested macaque’s proctologist think to themselves, “Hmmm, where have I seen that before?“, when she tweeted pictures of her “power bottom’s b-hole after a 10-hour pass around orgy” lips. Farrah claimed that she had some kind of allergic reaction while getting an implant installed in her lips. In case you blocked it out (although, I know it’s your iPhone’s wallpaper), here’s the picture of Farrah’s terrifying Leela from Futurama Cosplay.

backdoorfarrahbustedasstroutlips

Over the weekend, Backdoor Farrah hosted some event at The Scene Nightclub in Long Island and her lips didn’t look as busted. Farrah would sell her daughter to pirates if it meant she’d get a small blurb in InTouch Weekly, so some of us guessed that she purposefully screwed herself up to get on the E! reality show Botched. Pat yourself on the taint if you guessed that. You’re probably right. You really know your shameless fame whores.

RumorFix posted a picture of Farrah meeting with Dr. Terry Dubrow and Dr. Paul Nasiff while shooting an episode of Botched. This trick is a wreck. She didn’t even need to inject a can of Fix-A-Flat into her mouth to get on botched. She could’ve left her lips alone and asked them to fix her botched brain instead. I wonder what Farrah will do next to get on TV?

She’ll marry a gay mormon to get on My Husband’s Not Gay. She’ll gain 200 pounds to get on The Biggest Loser. She’ll get de-lengthening surgery on her legs to get on The Little Couple. She’ll get duck lips again so she can go on Duck Dynasty. And after all of that, she’ll finally be committed and star in TLC’s Tales From The Mental Ward. Surprisingly, TLC doesn’t have a show called Tales From The Mental Ward….yet.

Pics: Getty

The Human Who Abandoned Kai At A Train Station Tells Her Story

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

About a week ago, Kai, a Shar-Pei mix from Scotland, became an overnight Internet star after the story of how he was left abandoned in a train station with all of his stuff went viral. Some human with a heart made of dead anuses tied Kai to a railing in a train station in the Scottish town of Ayr and walked away. Kai, seen above looking like a stoned LeAnn Rimes, was down and out until the Scottish SPCA took him in. Well, the human who tied him to that railing has come forward to tell her side of the story and she says it’s totally not what it looks like. Uh huh….

Fin Rayner tells The Daily Record that Kai was never her dog and she did nothing wrong by leaving his poor ass in a train station. Fin says that she traveled to Ayr with her young daughter after answering a Gumtree ad for a dog she was interested in buying. Fin says that when she got to spot where she agreed to meet the seller, he rushed out with a food chest and Kai. Fin says she immediately knew something in the milk wasn’t clean, because Kai didn’t look like the dog in the ad. At that point, most of us probably would’ve turned around and left. I mean, when you meet an Internet trick for the first time and they look nothing like their picture, you usually tell them to fuck off and take your ass home to watch porn. Well, you do that unless you’re me. If you’re me you go through with it because you have no standards and are hard up.

Fin also said that Kai looked very skinny. So instead of telling the seller that they didn’t have a deal, Fin told him that she needed to take the dog for a “test walk” around the block. The seller agreed but wanted a £150 deposit in case she didn’t come back. She gave him the money and the dude took off in his car. He never came back.

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Phylicia Rashad Thinks The Bill Cosby Allegations Are Part Of An Orchestrated Takedown

January 7, 2015 / Posted by:

So I guess “Bye Phylicia” is the new “Bye Felicia.

And now we’re once again being reminded that actors are not the characters they play on TV. Bill Cosby is definitely not Cliff Huxtable and Phylicia Rashad is not Clair Huxtable. Because Clair Huxtable would never, but Phylicia Rashad would.

Most of the cast of The Cosby Show have kept their lips glued shut when it comes to the allegations from the 20 plus woman who claim that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. Keshia Knight Pulliam recently opened up her mouth about it and only said that she wasn’t there and she can only speak of the man she loves who created a legacy. Even Rudy Huxtable knew that it’s probably not a good idea to stamp the “LIE-TELLER” label on Bill Cosby’s alleged victims. But Phylicia Rashad doesn’t care and she went all out while speaking with Showbiz 411′s Roger Friedman.

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So, This Finally Happened

January 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Speaking of a little bag full of grapes…… Actually, that fake bulge looks more like a small bushel of plastic baby bananas wrapped in cheese cloth.

So After months of rumors, the marketing department at Calvin Klein showed us that they’ve gone completely crazy by releasing pictures of the half-broken Vanilla Ice Pez dispenser in their new campaign for Calvin Klein underwear. Justin Bieber twatted out three pictures from the panties campaign that is marketed toward I don’t even know who. In these pictures, it looks like they took the head of a My Buddy doll and put it on the body of a hunchback He-Man action figure that’s covered in overused scratch ‘n sniff stickers. Since they were heavy with the Photoshop, couldn’t they have Photoshopped away his constipated smolder? No, they couldn’t do that. That’s his signature. It’s not a picture of Justin Bieber unless he looks like someone just walked in on him taking a shit in a public bathroom.

And since this baby douche is the new ass of Calvin Klein underwear, I’m assuming that all of their chonies now come with a potty flap on the butt to make poopy times easier. I’m sure that was the Biebs’ idea.

There’s two more pictures after the cut including one with Lara Stone that’s supposed to give us Marky Mark and Kate Moss vibes, but it looks more like a grown woman trying to give the Heimlich to a confused toddler.

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