“Who fucking isn’t?” – everybody on the damn planet.
I’m taking this one with a grain of salt, mostly because I’m still feeling the lasting effects of celebrating Moody Bitch Monday with the left side of the Taco Bell menu and without pants. If you want to know what a lost weekend with Pete Doherty or K-Y Warming Jelly on crack would feel like, drop some Fire sauce on your crotch.
Radar says Zooey Deschanel’s sweet hipster princess act is bullshit and that she’s been pissing off everyone on the set of New Girl.
“Although the show has other bosses, including creator Liz Meriwether and producer Katherine Pope, Zooey rules the roost,” the source dishes. “And she gets moody and starts making rules on the set which is upsetting a lot of the cast and crew members.
“The show’s schedule really drives Zooey up a wall, because they’re always running behind when the full cast is on set.
“So now, Zooey insists on days ending with scenes that just feature her and one other actor. When that can’t happen due to the production schedule, however, she’s unhappy and all hell breaks loose,” says the source.
What kind of rules are we talking about here?
- Polish Zooey’s glasses for 5 full minutes between shots even though there are no lenses in them.
- All employees must refer to Ms. Deschanel as “quirky” or “adorkable”.
- When Zooey inexplicably breaks into song and dance, everyone must stop what they are doing and supply jazz hands.
- There will be no less than 17 pairs of tights available to Zooey at any given moment.
Nobody should be forced to work in such conditions! Steve from the vegan catering truck should feel like he can go to HR to complain about the dress code stating all employees wearing shorts must have a waistband no less than three inches from their nipples without fear of forever being bitchfaced through the veil of Zooey’s bangs while she strums a ukelele.
While the rest of us are still recovering from a weekend of gluttony and being painfully reminded of what giant disappointments we are to our parents, Radar says Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott packed up their collective five kids and a nanny last Wednesday, escaping the hard knock life of doing my two favorite things, jack and shit, to the tune of a $10,000 getaway to the St. Regis Monarch Bay Resort in Dana Point, CA.
The group booked three rooms at more than $500 each for the four-day holiday weekend–and had no problem handling other hotel expenses, such as a $35 per day parking fee and Thanksgiving buffet costing $115 per adult and $35 per child. Tori spent even more for the other meals and activities!
Someone needs to sit Tori down with a Power Point presentation heavy on the visual aids, a pop up book with small words or flash cards- SOMETHING to get her to understand what it truly means to be a broke bitch if she’s going to complain about being one.
Broke bitches don’t take swanky vacations to upscale resorts, they stay at the HoJo’s in the next town over. They don’t spend $115 per person on Thanksgiving buffets, they buy Hungry Man turkey dinners in August on special and eat three of them while watching Clarissa Explains It All reruns in their underwear. They don’t have a nanny to watch their kids, they barricade the bathroom door and cry while seriously contemplating the upsides of Safe Haven laws.
Tori needs to let go of the lavish lifestyle to which she’s become accustomed and embrace the joys of using a gas card for groceries like the rest of us!
So I guess Laura Prepon checked out of Orange is the New Black because her ass got a higher paying gig. Yeah, she’s going from one prison to another, but at least her new prison serves better food, has nicer sheets and John Travolta will serenade her with a show tune of her choice when she behaves.
Apparently, Scientology’s beloved prince Tommy Girl is really not going to make the same mistake again by getting a non-Scienologist for a wife, because it was a total drag when Katie Holmes screamed as they re-programmed her brain and then ran her ass off when he wanted to groom Suri to be the Child Empress of Scientology. So now he’s getting with his own kind. Grazia Magazine (via Independent) says that Tommy and fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon have known each for a long time, but he realized that she was beard material after seeing her in OITNB. An imprisoned woman really turns him on. They went on a couple of dates at a Scientology retreat called The Manor Hotel in L.A. and partied at Travolta’s house. Some source said this about Tommy’s new love and by “some source” I mean a Scientology publicist and by “this” I mean a press release written in bullshit:
“He had her picked up in a vintage car, knowing it was one of her favourite, and had pre-ordered a vintage bottle of 1979 merlot, which was on the table when she arrived. They spent three hours laughing and joking. It’s clear Tom is smitten and after the date he was on cloud nine. They had their second date at the restaurant too, meeting for Sunday brunch, and then she accompanied him a few days later to a dinner party at John’s [Travolta] home.
[Tom is] the happiest he has been since his divorce from Katie. Tom has known Laura for a few years now and they are all in the same social group that includes John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston. He’s always been fascinated by her and, since seeing her in Orange Is the New Black, that has turned into an attraction. So he bit the bullet and asked her out.”
Let me fix those first three lines: “He had David Miscavige’s bitches drag her ass to the Celebrity Centre office and he had a pen waiting for her on the table when she arrived. They spent three minutes signing contracts. After the signing, Tommy celebrated by letting the boys in the Scientology bath house do shots of vintage barley wine out of his b-hole.” But really…
Every bride of Tommy Girl ended their contract with him when they were 33 and Laura Prepon is 33 now, so maybe he’s switching things up by starting a marriage when his beard is 33 instead of ending it when she’s 33. I for one am happy for Tommy Girl, because now he gets to buy higher heels. YES! Stomp in those stilettos while you’re working the red carpet with your new beard, Tommy!
That sound you hear is SHOTS FIRED from every branch of social media after Katy Perry’s geisha-themed performance of her song “Unconditionally” last night at the AMAs.
Katy wore a kimono and more makeup than the collective staff at a Mac counter while using Japanese choreography, royally pissing off some viewers who accused her of racism and “appropriating Asian culture” according to The Mirror. Katy already raised eyebrows in June when she told Jimmy Kimmel, “I’m so obsessed with you [Japanese race] I want to skin you and wear you like Versace!”
Someone needs to sit Katy down and, at the very least, give her ass some sensitivity training. If the rest of us have to sit through an entire morning being lectured on respect in the workplace because of one tiny kick to the vending machine holding our package of Ding Dongs hostage, Katy could stand to get some tips on how to honor a culture without going all Buffalo Bill on them. The bunk Microsoft paint job on the pic posted to the AMAs official Twitter doesn’t help the case against her, either.
That being said, not everybody hated the performance. Some defended Katy and said it was respectful, a nod to her Japanese fan base and since she grew up with Japanese lodgers in her parent’s home, it couldn’t possibly be racist.
The real crime here is that a professional singer ended up sounding like that drunk chick swaying back and forth in front of the karaoke machine at two in the morning for an audience of three and a half- her friend, the guy hoping to hit it and the bartender, with the half being the guy passed out at the end of the bar.
I saw the headline “I Held Michael’s Penis Every Night” this morning and hoped that I had woken up in the future and that quote came from Anderson Cooper’s mouth during an interview about our love. But nope. Waking up to a headline like that and realizing that it’s about Dr. Conrad Murray and Michael Jackson is the universe’s way of telling you to get under the covers, crawl to the bottom of your bed and stay there forever. Or just do what that Jackson fanboy is doing: guzzle on something mind-numbing until the images aren’t burning your brain anymore. Just start guzzling now and keep your eyes up.
Dr. Conrad Murray, the crooked ass doctor who ended up at the top of Detective La Toya’s most wanted list when he gave Michael Jackson that fatal injection of Propofol, is out of prison after serving four years for killing MJ and he’s back out on the ho stroll, selling his story to anyone who will write him a check. Dr. Con talked to The Mail on Sunday about Michael Jackson and the interview is a rambling mess from start to finish. Dr. Con is still screaming “I’m innocent!” and says that Michael Jackson is the one who sent himself moonwalking to heaven by giving himself a massive injection of Propofol from his own stash. Dr. Con says that he misses Michael Jackson so much and the two were so close that his hand visited MJ’s peen daily. Before you shout, “Whore, please, you were 50 years too old to be MJ’s type,” Dr. Con says that he only touched MJ’s peen to put on a condom catheter:
“He wore dark trousers all the time because after he went to the toilet he would drip for hours. You want to know how close Michael and I were? I held his penis every night. I had to put a condom catheter on him because Michael dripped urine. He had a loss of sensation and was incontinent. Michael didn’t know how to put a condom on, so I had to do it for him.”
This is some “lost my medical license and don’t give a fuck about it” shit. Two thing: I never think anything is too much information, but this is too much information and I’m only sharing it with you, because if I have to suffer, so do you! Also, it’s ridiculous that Dr. Con’s NOT RIGHT ass thinks that slipping a condom catheter on MJ’s peen every night means that they were best friends forever. I guess this means that I should expect a friendship bracelet from the free clinic doctor the next time he sticks a finger up my ass.
And when Dr. Con wasn’t putting a condom on MJ or filling his veins up with sleepy time drugs, he was looking at naked chick magazines with him. Dr. Con queefed this out when he was asked if MJ was gay:
“I can’t tell you everything. What I will say is that he and I would look at girly magazines. He liked skinny brunettes. He told me his whole life gay men had tried it on with him. He was uncomfortable with a lot of it. He said it was part of being in showbusiness. I don’t think he was homophobic but I know he’d had some terrible experiences. He told me he felt safe being around me. He knew I wouldn’t try anything.”
Well, now your brain is filled with that information. But I’m sure that sometime tomorrow morning Dr. Con will take all of this back after he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees the shadow of a threatening figure in a deerstalker hat staring at him as he sleeps. Detective La Toya got Dr. Con once and she won’t stop until she gets him again! My dear Bubbles, fetch her magnifying glass!
And were go again…
Because the whole CaCa vs. Madge feud is good for CaCa’s business, she talked to Attitude Magazine (via HuffPo) about how everyone said that “Born This Way” is just “Express Yourself” in a cheaper dress. To CaCa’s ears, “Born This Way” and “Express Yourself” sound nothing alike and she’s not trying to be the next Madonna. Madge, being the supreme cunt that she is, responded to the comparisons by saying that she’s glad she could help CaCa write “Born This Way” and then she performed a mash-up of “Express Yourself” and “Express Yourself 2.0” every night on her MDNA Tour. CaCa tells Attitude that she shocked that Madge performed a piece of “Born This Way.” Yeah, even though CaCa got a check for it and probably signed off on it beforehand, she was shocked!
“I have to be really honest, I was completely kind of floored that Madonna was singing my song on her stage every night! I’m certainly not thinking about anybody but me and my fans when I’m on stage. The fact that I was on her mind at all. I mean, Madonna’s … she’s Madonna. I looked up to her for a long time. I’m not quite sure what her intention was -– to do that in the show, but I don’t really care. I think playing into the gossip of the tabloids and, I guess the fodder of the competition, that’s just not what I’m about. She chooses to use her voice the way she chooses to use hers and I choose to use mine the way I use mine. All it meant to me was that Madonna Ciccone was singing my song on her stage and I’m 27! And as a punk-rocker from New York, I’ve basically been hoping that I would become so good that one day I would piss off Madonna!”
First Miley basically calls herself punk and now this ho says that she’s just a punk rocker from New York… Lou Reed better make some room in his coffin, because Iggy Pop and all of The Ramones are going to crawl in there and roll around together.
Madge is the oldest whore on the stroll and she knows the game and can play it in her sleep. So she took the whole “copy controversy,” milked it all and used it to promote her damn tour. Now, Lady CaCa’s basically doing the same thing and they’re both going to keep biting at each other’s baginas until one of them pushes the other one down the stairs Showgirls-style.
And CaCa also talked about being a gay icon. CaCa, who for most of her career has thought of herself as the damn Evita to the gay community’s Argentina, tells Attitude that she’s not a gay icon and she doesn’t even know what that means!
“But… but… but… but here, where do I say I’m a gay icon? I never said I was a gay icon. When did that happen? Are those lyrics on the album? Absolutely not. I don’t even consider myself… I don’t even know what that word means. That was a label that was invented years ago. I’m a… [pauses] I’m a gay supporter.”
In this same interview, CaCa said that she’s done with weed and went from smoking 15 joints a day to smoking zero joints a day. I believe her based on that delusional “gay icon” quote. Bitch isn’t smoking weed, she’s smoking some seriously strong crack.
To play Thor, Chris Hemsworth had to put 20 pounds of muscle on his body and he did that by eating one lunch at Golden Corral and shadowing Madge’s 23-hour workout regimen for 2 days straight. But since he’s done with throwing around his hard hammer for now, Chris is dropping those 20 pounds of muscle and more. While promoting Whore 2 (typo and it stays because deleting the word “whore” is against my religion) on Jimmy Kimmel Live (via P6) the other night, Chris told Jimmy that he’s trying to get as skinny as Chris Brown’s pencil dick to play a starving, dying sailor in “Heart Of The Sea,” which is about the events that inspired Herman Melville to write Moby Dick. To look like Nicole Richie’s body double, Chris is only filling his stomach with up to 600 calories a day. SIX HUNDRED CALORIES. 600 calories entered my body when I typed Golden Corral. Oop, there goes another 600 calories into my body. As Chris’ stomach bag chewed at his intestines for nourishment, he had this conversation with Jimmy about his new GOOP diet:
JK: You’re on some crazy diet now, I heard, because of this movie you’re shooting.
Thor: Yeah, we’re shooting, it’s the true event inspired Herman Melville to write Moby Dick. A bunch of sailors in a whaling ship get struck by a whale, the ship sinks and they jump onto the small rafts and drift for 90 days. And basically they begin to die and eat each other. It’s a romantic comedy. Uh, and we have to get rather skinny. So we’re on 500 or 600 calories a day. I’ve had a cheat meal a couple minutes ago.
JK: What did you have?
Thor: A bit of pizza?
JK: How many slices of pizza?
Thor: Like ten.
Chris goes on to say that he has just a couple of small salads and a few drops of protein a day and that’s it. And he fasts for about 15 hours at a time. Add a tears of Graydon Carter enema every 3 hours and that would be the GOOP way.
What is with these hos like Thor, Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey Christian Bale-ing their way to an Oscar nomination? The thing is, it kind of works. It worked for Christian Bale and it’ll probably work for the Texas T-Rex. Soon Oscar-chaser Leonardo DiCatchAHo is going to realize that if he can’t beat ‘em (he can’t), he might as well join them and he’ll sign on to play Carson Daly circa 2005.
And more importantly, the hell happens to a dude’s peen when he drops all that weight so fast?! Does it look bigger? Or does it turn grey and just lay there like Gollum taking a nap?
Here’s a slightly skinnier Thor at GMA two days ago:
Goopy Paltrow cares about a lot of things. She cares that her morning maid fills her ivory bedroom bathtub with double-distilled Graydon Carter tears that are exactly 26 celsius (Goopy doesn’t know what fahrenheit is, she’s of British blood, DUH!), because if it’s 27 celsius, her delicate noblewoman skin will burn. She cares that the rhodium stick shoved up her ass is regularly polished and cleansed with the saliva of a virgin albino peacock. She cares that Chris Martin changes the skin on his lips after he sucks on his side piece’s snatch, because she’s not going to let the the pussy juices of a peasant touch her cheek when he gives her a cold kiss hello. But one thing Goopy doesn’t care about is what all of us think of her pretentious, ridiculous ass.
Goopy tells the UK’s Red Magazine (via UsWeekly) that she currently has nothing to shit out since she just finished up a 65-day air and dried kumquat seeds fast, but if she did, she still wouldn’t have any shits to give about anti-Goopers hating on her.
“The older I get I realize it doesn’t matter what people who don’t know you think. It doesn’t matter. You’re wasting your energy. It’s like, if your partner comes to you — or your best friend — and says, like, ‘Listen, I want to talk about something you did that hurt me, or I think you could improve,’ sit down and listen to what they have to say. But some friend of so-and-sos — it’s like, who gives a shit?”
Chris Martin just rolled his eyes, because the one time he tried to talk to Goopy and tell her that he’d really like to eat a cheesburger for dinner instead of an empty plate of imaginary food that he’s supposed to make and eat with his imagination, she shooed him away and made her maid escort him out of her bedchambers.
Goopy also said this about being a working mother:
“I personally think that the work/life balance for a woman should be exactly what she feels is right for her. And nobody else can set her time schedule. And nobody else can tell her how many hours a week she needs to devote to this, that, or the other. It’s like, go into a room, get quiet with yourself, and ask what is the true answer for you? And fuck what anybody else says. That idea of ‘Oh God, if I don’t show up to this concert, all the other mums are going to think I’m terrible.’ Well, so fucking what. It’s like, when I’m with my kids, I give them everything I have. And when I’m not, I give whatever I’m doing everything I have. And that’s my work/life balance.”
Apple and Moses (9 years later and I still can’t with either of those names) know that Goopy gives them everything she has, but they really wish she had carbs on her, because they’re HONGRAY. And I was actually nodding to some of the shit coming out of her mouth until she shat out the line, “If I don’t show up to this concert, all the other mums are going to think I’m terrible.” The plight of the rock star’s millionaire wife is a serious one.
Just when I’m starting to think that there’s no way that Kanye West can’t troll harder and has re-defined the definition of sofuckingdelusion for the last time, he spits out this ass nugget of delusion on On Air with Ryan Seacrest:
“There’s no way Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be on the cover of Vogue. She’s like the most intriguing woman right now. She’s got Barbara Walters calling her like everyday. And collectively, we’re the most influential with clothing. No one is looking at what [Barack Obama] is wearing. Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a [bikini] pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”
Somebody back up one million dump trucks full of MichelleObamaSideEyes.GIFs in front of Kanye and drop them all on his ass. I’d say that Pimp Mama Kris probably opened up Kanye’s asshole, crawled up in there, took over his body and said that insane mess of words to Ryan Seacrest, but Kanye is messy enough to say that shit. I’m pretty sure that what he said is the only thing needed for a psychiatrist to diagnose him as a new kind of crazy and qualifies him for a lifetime 5150 hold. That’s on page 1 of the Obamacare handbook, I think.
For once, a famewhore inside a famewhore isn’t resulting in a sex tape. It’s Paris Hilton, the OG “please suck a fuck and die” famewhore channeling the current one by dressing up as Miley Cyrus. Paris brought her mom Kathy, Greasy Bear (government name: Brandon Davis) and her pancake ass to Hugh Hefner’s Halloween party last night. She even stuck her disease-ridden tongue out, which made Hugh’s party planner very happy that she went the extra mile to include a trial dose of Valtrex in everybody’s goodie bag. I can’t figure out what Kathy’s costume is. I’m getting shades of my high school senior year math teacher who always showed up to class in mismatched clothes with one black shoe and one blue shoe, while Greasy Bear looks like his mom sewed him a ninja Elvis costume.
(Pics via Wenn.com)