Category: I Can’t With You

“Fifty Shades Of Grey” Endangers Lives!

February 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Health Warning: Not only is there a chance that Fifty of  Shades Grey will put you into a deep coma from the boredom of it all, but there’s also a chance that you might get shanked by a crazed, horny mom who won’t be shushed.

The Telegraph says that during a showing of Fifty Squirts of Mom Jizz at a theater in Glasgow, Scotland on Saturday night, the police had to be called after a fight broke out between a dude and the three women he told to quiet down. Witnesses say that the chicks were making all kind of noises, and when he let them know that they need to turn it all the way down, they went crazy on him and allegedly “glassed” him with a glass bottle. You can get boozed up at that theater, so witnesses believe the women were plastered (duh). The cops arrested the three and charged them with disorderly conduct.

One witness named Michael Bolton (yes, it’s best if you picture thee Michael Bolton) talked to The Telegraph about that mess and proved that he should be a movie critic and crime reporter, because he has a way with words:

“Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theater and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed. It’s a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema.”

A rep for the police department said that despite reports, the dude wasn’t hit with a bottle and nobody was “glassed.” Nobody was injured.

What we’ve learned here is that if you’re watching Fifty Shades and someone is making loud noises, do not disturb them. It might be a horny soccer mom (or in this case, a horny football maw) getting off on that boring shit and you do not want to interrupt her as she rubs one out. Interrupting a crazy ho as she gets hers during Fifty Shades is like interrupting Mama June as she eats Korean BBQ. It won’t end well. Just keep your lips shut and cover the top of your popcorn bag, unless you don’t mind a little cooch cream in there. It’s okay to not hear what’s being said in that shit show. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not an artistic piece of cinema that’s filled with poetic prose like Body of Evidence (example of poetic prose: “Don’t look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That’s what I do; I fuck.”).

On a different note, I haven’t seen that wreck and wasn’t planning on it, but now I’m going to after finding out that it pisses Lolo Jones off.

And here’s the human form of tap water known as Dakota Johnson wearing a picnic tablecloth outside of Late Night with David Letterman tonight.

Pic: Splash

Speaking Of Cougars, Paris Hilton Might Be Dating An 18-Year-Old Model

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a short-haired Taylor Swift hitching a ride on a waxed proboscis monkey, the Daily Mail says that former celebrity and current person who plays music at parties Paris Hilton has gone and traded in her 23-year-old boyfriend River Viiperi for 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett. In case you’ve forgotten, or your brain won’t allow you to remember facts about Paris Hilton (good for it), Paris Hilton is 33-year-years old. Paris Hilton has herpes sores that are closer in age to her new boyfriend that she is.

Paris and Jordan are both in Italy for Milan Fashion Week were recently seen getting close at a party on Sunday night. They’ve also been posting what looks like outtakes from a Motherboy photo shoot to Instagram, because nothing says “We’re Probably Doing It” like blurry Chris Hansen-approved Instagram selfies.

I can’t throw shade at Paris Hilton for dating a Taylor Swift-looking fetus, because you do what you gotta do when you’re a notorious skank like Paris Hilton. She probably went after an 18-year-old because he’s young enough to not remember when 1 Night in Paris was released, and yet old enough that she doesn’t go to jail. Again. That, or she’s using him to break into the lucrative world of Bar Mitzvah DJing.

And if you want to see what a thirsty old attention whore slithering up against a come-to-life Kevin doll looks like, here’s another pic of Paris and Jordan:


Pics: Paris Hilton, Jordan Barrett

Backdoor Farrah Got Her Jacked-Up Trout Lips Fixed (And Yes, She’s Going To Be On Botched)

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m talking about the lips on her mouth. No word yet on her other lips.

Wannabe porn star/Christian author/Mother of the Century/Black Belt Fame Whore, Farrah Abraham, made every crested macaque’s proctologist think to themselves, “Hmmm, where have I seen that before?“, when she tweeted pictures of her “power bottom’s b-hole after a 10-hour pass around orgy” lips. Farrah claimed that she had some kind of allergic reaction while getting an implant installed in her lips. In case you blocked it out (although, I know it’s your iPhone’s wallpaper), here’s the picture of Farrah’s terrifying Leela from Futurama Cosplay.


Over the weekend, Backdoor Farrah hosted some event at The Scene Nightclub in Long Island and her lips didn’t look as busted. Farrah would sell her daughter to pirates if it meant she’d get a small blurb in InTouch Weekly, so some of us guessed that she purposefully screwed herself up to get on the E! reality show Botched. Pat yourself on the taint if you guessed that. You’re probably right. You really know your shameless fame whores.

RumorFix posted a picture of Farrah meeting with Dr. Terry Dubrow and Dr. Paul Nasiff while shooting an episode of Botched. This trick is a wreck. She didn’t even need to inject a can of Fix-A-Flat into her mouth to get on botched. She could’ve left her lips alone and asked them to fix her botched brain instead. I wonder what Farrah will do next to get on TV?

She’ll marry a gay mormon to get on My Husband’s Not Gay. She’ll gain 200 pounds to get on The Biggest Loser. She’ll get de-lengthening surgery on her legs to get on The Little Couple. She’ll get duck lips again so she can go on Duck Dynasty. And after all of that, she’ll finally be committed and star in TLC’s Tales From The Mental Ward. Surprisingly, TLC doesn’t have a show called Tales From The Mental Ward….yet.

Pics: Getty

The Human Who Abandoned Kai At A Train Station Tells Her Story

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

About a week ago, Kai, a Shar-Pei mix from Scotland, became an overnight Internet star after the story of how he was left abandoned in a train station with all of his stuff went viral. Some human with a heart made of dead anuses tied Kai to a railing in a train station in the Scottish town of Ayr and walked away. Kai, seen above looking like a stoned LeAnn Rimes, was down and out until the Scottish SPCA took him in. Well, the human who tied him to that railing has come forward to tell her side of the story and she says it’s totally not what it looks like. Uh huh….

Fin Rayner tells The Daily Record that Kai was never her dog and she did nothing wrong by leaving his poor ass in a train station. Fin says that she traveled to Ayr with her young daughter after answering a Gumtree ad for a dog she was interested in buying. Fin says that when she got to spot where she agreed to meet the seller, he rushed out with a food chest and Kai. Fin says she immediately knew something in the milk wasn’t clean, because Kai didn’t look like the dog in the ad. At that point, most of us probably would’ve turned around and left. I mean, when you meet an Internet trick for the first time and they look nothing like their picture, you usually tell them to fuck off and take your ass home to watch porn. Well, you do that unless you’re me. If you’re me you go through with it because you have no standards and are hard up.

Fin also said that Kai looked very skinny. So instead of telling the seller that they didn’t have a deal, Fin told him that she needed to take the dog for a “test walk” around the block. The seller agreed but wanted a £150 deposit in case she didn’t come back. She gave him the money and the dude took off in his car. He never came back.



Phylicia Rashad Thinks The Bill Cosby Allegations Are Part Of An Orchestrated Takedown

January 7, 2015 / Posted by:

So I guess “Bye Phylicia” is the new “Bye Felicia.

And now we’re once again being reminded that actors are not the characters they play on TV. Bill Cosby is definitely not Cliff Huxtable and Phylicia Rashad is not Clair Huxtable. Because Clair Huxtable would never, but Phylicia Rashad would.

Most of the cast of The Cosby Show have kept their lips glued shut when it comes to the allegations from the 20 plus woman who claim that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. Keshia Knight Pulliam recently opened up her mouth about it and only said that she wasn’t there and she can only speak of the man she loves who created a legacy. Even Rudy Huxtable knew that it’s probably not a good idea to stamp the “LIE-TELLER” label on Bill Cosby’s alleged victims. But Phylicia Rashad doesn’t care and she went all out while speaking with Showbiz 411′s Roger Friedman.


So, This Finally Happened

January 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Speaking of a little bag full of grapes…… Actually, that fake bulge looks more like a small bushel of plastic baby bananas wrapped in cheese cloth.

So After months of rumors, the marketing department at Calvin Klein showed us that they’ve gone completely crazy by releasing pictures of the half-broken Vanilla Ice Pez dispenser in their new campaign for Calvin Klein underwear. Justin Bieber twatted out three pictures from the panties campaign that is marketed toward I don’t even know who. In these pictures, it looks like they took the head of a My Buddy doll and put it on the body of a hunchback He-Man action figure that’s covered in overused scratch ‘n sniff stickers. Since they were heavy with the Photoshop, couldn’t they have Photoshopped away his constipated smolder? No, they couldn’t do that. That’s his signature. It’s not a picture of Justin Bieber unless he looks like someone just walked in on him taking a shit in a public bathroom.

And since this baby douche is the new ass of Calvin Klein underwear, I’m assuming that all of their chonies now come with a potty flap on the butt to make poopy times easier. I’m sure that was the Biebs’ idea.

There’s two more pictures after the cut including one with Lara Stone that’s supposed to give us Marky Mark and Kate Moss vibes, but it looks more like a grown woman trying to give the Heimlich to a confused toddler.


Bill Cosby’s Wife Thinks He’s The Real Victim

December 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Camille Cosby pretty much made it clear where she stands when she put on a manufactured, creepy, Stepford Wife smile as her husband got pissy with an AP reporter for asking him about all the sexual abuse allegations against him. Camille Cosby didn’t need to say shit. We all know that she’s been putting her fingers in her ear holes and singing, “Stand by my maaaaaaan,” at the top of her lungs as accuser after accuser after accuser after accuser comes out. Camille is Ride or Die all the way even if the ride is filled with women he’s drugged up.

Camille probably should’ve just kept smiling that fake smile and not said a thing, but since Bill Cosby’s team is trying hard to get all of the water out of his sinking dingy, she’s released a statement. Camille says that the Bill Cosby you know from TV is the real Bill Cosby. Whoever wrote that shit for Camille knows exactly what they’re doing. When all those allegations were unswept from the rug by Hannibal Buress, several people on my Facebook feed said crap like, “I can’t believe that my TV father would do something like this!” In their brains, they couldn’t separate Dr. Huxtable the TV character from Bill Cosby the real-life person who isn’t his TV character. So Camille is feeding that and she, of course, brought that  messy, messy Rolling Stone article into it. As Camille’s sister in denial Dottie Sandusky screamed, “PREACH, GIRL, PREACH,” she released this statement to CBS News:

To answer her question, you don’t have enough time for us to list all the victims. There’s only 24 hours in every day and only 365 days a year, and none of us want to spend it naming all the names in the long list of Bill Cosby’s alleged victims. Let’s just print out the list of every American from the Department of Records, cross off Bill Cosby’s name and hand that that over to Camille. It’ll be close enough.

Time To Put That Eye Roll Muscle To Work: Barbra Walters Drools Over George And Amal Clooney

December 15, 2014 / Posted by:

At the end of Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People special, which splattered on TV screens last night, she said that it will probably be her last time doing it and even though she said the same thing last year, she sort of kind of means it this time. No, she doesn’t. Babwa will do it again next year, because she lives for everyone’s brain burping out a stream of HUHs over her weird choices. Next year, Barbara should stop with the trickery and keep it honest. She needs to change the title of her list to the 10 Least Fascinating People, because some of the people on this year’s list are about as fascinating as a piece of chewed, wet cauliflower stuck to a string of floss.

Barbara’s Most Fascinating People list included Chelsea Handler, ScarJo (?????), Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Strahan (??????), Elon Musk, Oprah, Taylor Swift, George RR Martin and David H. Koch. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and according to Babwa, 2 of the most fascinating are a People’s Choice-nominated actress and the co-host of a morning show that’s on the network she works for. The word “fascinating” really needs to file a lawsuit against Barbra for slandering it over and over again. Because Barbara’s list was the opposite of fascinating, I figured that her Most Fascinating Person of 2014 would be Blake Lively. Barbra went with Amal Clooney instead and sure, she’s a well-spoken, educated human rights lawyer, but she only became fascinating when she married Booker from Roseanne:


Miley Cyrus Instagrammed Pictures Of Her Wrist Gash Because She’s Miley Cyrus

December 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a chipmunk Dennis the Menace, Miley Cyrus is in the hospital AGAIN and surprisingly she isn’t in the hospital because she was forced into quarantine by the health department after sucking on Wonky McValtrex’s mouth muscle of nast.

TMZ says that Miley checked into the hospital yesterday after suffering some kind of wrist injury (I’m going with fap session gone wrong) and since Billy Ray’s child is the Patron Saint of Too Much Fucking Information, she Instagrammed pictures of her gaping gash. We’ve seen Miley’s nipples and have pretty much seen her cooter lips, so why not look at her flesh? The pictures of Miley’s cut open wrist don’t really gross me out, because I lived through those heave-worthy pictures of her strangling her albino beaver for Uncle Terry. I’m fully desensitized.

Miley also spent some time adding a dose of WTF to her gash picture with the help of Photoshop, because when you’re laid up in a hospital bed and riding high on a wave of painkillers, what else do you have to do? I have to say that I’m a little jealous of the doctors and nurses. Because when they opened up her cut all the way, they probably got a good high from inhaling the cloud of weed that escaped out of her body.

Pics: Instagram

Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.

TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.


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