(Side note: Embryonic is a really good first name for a kid.)
Inside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, the ovary eggs of horny whores fried up while watching tall sack of muscles Joe ManJello thrust his crotch in Magic Mike XXL. Outside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, bored pro-life protesters (and paper and marker ink wasters) with nothing to do held up signs that read “Embryonic Lives Matter” and “Unfreeze Your Daughters,” because Sofia Vergara was there. Why does that make me want to sing (to the tune of Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart“), “Unfreeeeeeeeze your daughters, don’t let them be cold for-eeeeeh-vuuuur!”
As most of us know, Sofia Vergara’s clit sore of an ex, Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb, is suing her over the girl embryos they made while still together. Nick wants to implant the embryos in a surrogate and Sofia wants to keep them in the freezer like the 2-year-old bag of frozen peas I swear I’m going to make a side dish for dinner one of these days (no, I’m not). Nick, of course, got the pro-lifers on his side and they did his foolery work for him outside of the Magic Mike XXL premiere yesterday.
If those protesters are going to spend a chunk of their day protesting this kind of shit, they should at least bring some oomph to it. Or should I say, Nick Loeb should pay them more to bring some oomph to it. I mean:
She’s like, “This is not what I had in mind when Jenny asked me if I wanted to go to a big Hollywood premiere.”
For weeks, Donald Trump has been diarrhea-ing up at the mouth about how he’s going to make America a better place. I hoped that Donald Trump would make good on his promise to make America a better place by moving to another country. But nope, instead he is making America a funnier place by running for president. Today, Jabba the Trump threw his flattened guinea pig hair into the ring and announced that he is officially the 4,596th Republican presidential candidate. Right now, The New York Post is preparing their “The American People Declare, ‘You’re Fired‘” cover for when Donald Trump eventually drops out.
During his long SNL skit of a speech, Donald Trump claimed that he’s worth nearly $9 billion, promised to make Mexico pay for a great, big wall on the southern border and said he’d create more jobs (no, not handjobs) than any other president. Trump started off his ridiculous speech by mouth shitting up this dingle at Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue:
“Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for President of the United States and we are going to make our country great again.”
Let’s see… A liar AND delusional. He’s a perfect presidential candidate!
NBC says they are “re-evaluating” Trump’s role in Celebrity Apprentice. (Translation: They’re waiting for his ass to QUIT THAT BITCH so he can go back to his reality shit show.)
And yes, I’m looking at that picture of my Slovenian gold digging goddess angel Melania Trump while thinking to myself, “Is it wrong to vote for that asshole, because I want Melania Trump to be our First Lady? I just know that she’d gold leaf the outside of the White House and use taxpayers’ money to start a national foundation for aspiring gold diggers.”
Here’s most of Trump’s speech if you need a reason to roll your eyes a hundred times today:
This whole Josh Duggar child touching situation has already produced several dozen Big Gulps full of chunky, lukewarm hypocrisy and here’s another one, so open up and plug your nose. The police report from 2006 says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar knew that Josh Duggar was a 14-year-old PedoCub who molested several girls (including his sisters) but they never turned him over to the cops. Jim Bob asked a state trooper friend (turned convicted kiddie porn collector) to give Josh a “stern” warning. When the police wanted to talk to Josh for real in 2006, Jim Bob refused to bring his son in for questioning. Well, the Jim Bob Duggar of 2002 claims to have felt much differently about how an incest committer should be punished.
In 2002, Jim Bob Duggar ran for U.S. Senate and on his campaign website, he said that anybody who commits incest should find themselves side-hugging the Grim Reaper during a one-way trip to hell. Jim Bob’s campaign site has since been deleted, but nothing is ever truly deleted on the internet. Defamer got a screen shot through a cached version of the site. While you read this mess, I’m off to Google: “How Do I Truly Delete A Cached Version Of Some Old MySpace Pictures Of My Friend And Me Dressed In Drag As Mariah Carey In The Heartbreaker Video At A Halloween Party In 1999?”
Jim Bob lost the Republican nomination. Josh Duggar is also still alive.
It’s really not surprising that when his own committed incest, Jim Bob went from “Death to those evil incest doers” to “Oh, I’ll just ask Officer McPedoFlicks over there to give him a stern talking to” real quick. It’s just one of those things that after you read, you shrug and think to yourself, “That’s so Duggar.” But I have learned something new about the Duggars, specifically Michelle.
I used to think that Michelle’s curly fries and tidal wave bang hair looked like that because she covered it with homemade gel and enough hairspray to kill a bull. But now I know that it looks like that because it’s full of dark-sided secrets!
Oh, Bill Cosby “spoke out” alright; he spoke out, in, up, down, backwards, forwards, and sideways. He was the great glass elevator of talking, and all directions lead to NO. Bill Cosby recently spoke to ABC News about those sexual assault allegations that will not go away, no matter how many times he tries to Swiffer sweeper that shit under the rug. I don’t know if he was sucking back a couple fermented pudding pops in the green room before the interview or just doing an impression of a dude who should probably stop talking, but it was a mess.
Social commentator and author Fran Lebowitz talked to Elle about the current state of style and the entire interview is hilarious. It’s like talking to your crabby auntie who wears the same white button down and black skirt to family reunions and sits in the corner nibbling on Royal Dansk cookies while making stank face. Fran thinks yoga pants are destroying women, believes ladies can learn from drag queens, thinks NYC is suffering from a mirror drought (because so many people are walking around looking a mess) and says that a man in shorts is one of the most terrifying things to happen to her eyes. Auntie Fran’s got some fightin’ words!
Yes, she hates EVERYTHING about America. This is the country that gave us Dynasty, Bea Arthur (it’s my second Bea Arthur reference of the day, because she is my religion and I have a quota to fill), vaporizer pioneer Bill Amato and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. And yet, she still hates EVERYTHING? I cannot.
Yesterday, I linked to a few things that rapper, professional Twitter troll and anti-Igloo Australia activist Azealia Banks told Playboy, but she said a lot more. Azealia Banks, who was born in America and lives in America, told an American magazine she was paid to pose naked in that she wants to leave this country, because she hates everything about it from the fat white people to the racist memaws of teenage KMart cashiers. CAUTION: Farm shaming ahead!
But you probably already knew that without even watching it.
As expected, Dr. Phil’s “intervention” with Bobbi Kristina Brown’s boyfriend Nick Gordon was an erratic, fame whore train wreck that ended with the lukewarm butt plug of smug Dr. Phil patting himself on the back. If Everlast sold punching bags with Dr. Phil’s face on it, they would become the richest company in the world and we’d all have arms as thick as Jon Hamm’s dick.
A big piece of the episode was spent on Dr. Phil talking to Nick Gordon’s mom Michelle Gordon. Michelle says that she couldn’t take care of Nick and so he went to live with Whitney Houston. But Nick has said before that Michelle kicked him out. Michelle has reportedly been estranged from Nick and only talks to him here and there, but I guess when Dr. Phil’s people wave a check at you, you get in contact with your son real quick.
Michelle told Dr. Phil that her son is in a dark, bad place and that he’s tried to kill himself with pills several times. Michelle also told Dr. Phil that Whitney Houston always wanted to keep Nick and Bobbi Kristina close to her and so they went to rehab with her three times. Michelle claims that Nick didn’t have any addictions back then, but he went to rehab, because Nippy wanted him near her. Michelle kept the craziness coming. She also claimed that Nick called her minutes after Whitney’s body was found and cried because he gave Nippy CPR and couldn’t bring her back. The Houston family denies that happened.
The next time you’re at a family reunion and you’re watching your uncles drunkenly fight on the patio after one of them said that the other one’s wife has lonjas for days, try to ignore the sound of your auntie hysterically screaming while trying to break up the fight with her shoe and think to yourself, “Well, at least they’re not AS trashy as Bobby Brown’s family.”
When Bobby Brown’s family got into that big, messy fight at his birthday party, they probably realized that the next time they fight, it should be in front of cameras, because they might as well get paid for their trashiness. That IS the American way, after all. TMZ says that as Bobbi Kristina Brown remains in a coma, her family on her dad’s side is shooting their own reality show. Bobby’s two sisters, Tina and Leolah, his brother and their kids are shooting the show. Bobby’s lawyer claims that he’s not involved and won’t be in it at all. They haven’t shot inside of Bobbi Kristina Brown’s hospital room and I’m guessing it’s not because they still have a sliver of decency left. The hospital probably won’t let them. But they regularly talk about Bobbi Kristina’s condition at home while the cameras are rolling.
TMZ says that Leolah pushed herself into the news shortly after Whitney Houston’s death when she blamed Ray-J for enabling Nippy’s coke habit. Tina is the one who broke a bottle on her son’s head during that family fight and she also once admitted to smoking crack with Nippy.
This is not the sequel to Being Bobby Brown I wanted or needed. I wanted more popping doody bubble talk and no life support talk.
Page Six says that it’s not known if a network is involved at this point yet. Hmm… I wonder which network would actually pay money for this mess. The answer: ALL OF THEM (but you know it’s going to be TLC).
Health Warning: Not only is there a chance that Fifty of Shades Grey will put you into a deep coma from the boredom of it all, but there’s also a chance that you might get shanked by a crazed, horny mom who won’t be shushed.
The Telegraph says that during a showing of Fifty Squirts of Mom Jizz at a theater in Glasgow, Scotland on Saturday night, the police had to be called after a fight broke out between a dude and the three women he told to quiet down. Witnesses say that the chicks were making all kind of noises, and when he let them know that they need to turn it all the way down, they went crazy on him and allegedly “glassed” him with a glass bottle. You can get boozed up at that theater, so witnesses believe the women were plastered (duh). The cops arrested the three and charged them with disorderly conduct.
One witness named Michael Bolton (yes, it’s best if you picture thee Michael Bolton) talked to The Telegraph about that mess and proved that he should be a movie critic and crime reporter, because he has a way with words:
“Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theater and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed. It’s a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema.”
A rep for the police department said that despite reports, the dude wasn’t hit with a bottle and nobody was “glassed.” Nobody was injured.
What we’ve learned here is that if you’re watching Fifty Shades and someone is making loud noises, do not disturb them. It might be a horny soccer mom (or in this case, a horny football maw) getting off on that boring shit and you do not want to interrupt her as she rubs one out. Interrupting a crazy ho as she gets hers during Fifty Shades is like interrupting Mama June as she eats Korean BBQ. It won’t end well. Just keep your lips shut and cover the top of your popcorn bag, unless you don’t mind a little cooch cream in there. It’s okay to not hear what’s being said in that shit show. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not an artistic piece of cinema that’s filled with poetic prose like Body of Evidence (example of poetic prose: “Don’t look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That’s what I do; I fuck.”).
On a different note, I haven’t seen that wreck and wasn’t planning on it, but now I’m going to after finding out that it pisses Lolo Jones off.
And here’s the human form of tap water known as Dakota Johnson wearing a picnic tablecloth outside of Late Night with David Letterman tonight.
Seen above looking like a short-haired Taylor Swift hitching a ride on a waxed proboscis monkey, the Daily Mail says that former celebrity and current person who plays music at parties Paris Hilton has gone and traded in her 23-year-old boyfriend River Viiperi for 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett. In case you’ve forgotten, or your brain won’t allow you to remember facts about Paris Hilton (good for it), Paris Hilton is 33-year-years old. Paris Hilton has herpes sores that are closer in age to her new boyfriend that she is.
Paris and Jordan are both in Italy for Milan Fashion Week were recently seen getting close at a party on Sunday night. They’ve also been posting what looks like outtakes from a Motherboy photo shoot to Instagram, because nothing says “We’re Probably Doing It” like blurry Chris Hansen-approved Instagram selfies.
I can’t throw shade at Paris Hilton for dating a Taylor Swift-looking fetus, because you do what you gotta do when you’re a notorious skank like Paris Hilton. She probably went after an 18-year-old because he’s young enough to not remember when 1 Night in Paris was released, and yet old enough that she doesn’t go to jail. Again. That, or she’s using him to break into the lucrative world of Bar Mitzvah DJing.
And if you want to see what a thirsty old attention whore slithering up against a come-to-life Kevin doll looks like, here’s another pic of Paris and Jordan: