To be fair, I’m sure it’s really difficult to read the list of “Do Not Dos” your lawyer gave you on the day you returned home from prison when you’ve got more artificial eyelashes than Lamb Chop stuck to your eyelids.
Less than one month after she was released from prison, Teresa Giudice is already breaking laws and trying to weasel her way out of trouble. “That’s my girl!” grunted Joe Giudice. TMZ says that on Thursday night, the human My Precious Puff almost had to call up the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution and tell them to put some fresh sheets on her bed. Teresa was leaving a red carpet event in New Jersey (don’t worry, I laughed at those words too) and realized she might not make her 10pm curfew. That’s uh-oh #1. So she hopped in an Uber and told her driver to haul ass. Of course, Teresa’s Uber got busted for speeding on the way home. That’s uh-oh #2.
As the police were talking to the Uber driver, Teresa piped up from the back seat and told them she was trying to get home by 10pm and it was her idea to drive like a mess. TMZ says that the police officer immediately recognized who she was, and agreed to let her go without a ticket because she had had such a shitty year.
Of course, this is just TMZ’s side of the story. I’m sure if you spoke to the police officer who caught them speeding, they would paint an entirely different picture. “Just as I started to write the driver a ticket, this horrible thing with crazy eyes popped up out of the backseat. All eyes and hair – I couldn’t tell where its forehead ended and its hairline started. I think it was The Babadook in low-budget New Jersey housewife drag. Anyways, it scared me so bad I damn near pissed my pants, so I let them go.”
Here’s a whole ten tons of gross for a Tuesday, and no, I’m not referring to the cloud of sleazy douche stank that’s wafting off that picture above. According to Crime Watch Daily (via Extra), Mark Salling – aka Puck from Glee – was arrested this morning by the LAPD for possession of child pornography. Feel free to run to the bathroom and start your Silkwood shower now.
Sources say that the LAPD Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force Unit served Puck with a search warrant at his home early this morning. TMZ says the police were tipped off by an ex-girlfriend. Obviously shit wasn’t good when they got inside, because he was arrested shortly after. Extra says the alleged newest member of the Famous Sick Fucks club (current acting president: Subway Jared) is currently being transported to jail, where he’ll be booked and things might get messier.
This isn’t Mark Salling’s first time calling his lawyer and asking to clear some space in their day planner. Almost three years ago, Mark was sued by his ex-girlfriend for allegedly forcing her to have sex without a condom and getting violent with her. Except this is the first time his lawyer can play the “I don’t know him” card in the event they want to pass their client (and this whole alleged possession of child porn business) off to someone else. And it’s not exactly like they’d be lying; hearing the words “I don’t know him” in the same sentence as “Puck from Glee” is probably a pretty common occurrence in 2015.
And the 2015 She Don’t Love Herself award goes to….
Back in October, Kourtney Kardashian – the stale old fashioned plain donut of the Kardashian family – was seen getting her single mom party on at a club with humanoid blue raspberry Go-Gurt tube Justin Bieber. At the time, I assumed Justin was interviewing for an entry-level position in the Kardashian Khorporation as a babysitter for Kourtney’s kids (you know, so she can get out to the clubs more than twice a week). But according to Gossip Cop, it turns out the only entry-level position she was auditioning for was – you know what? I can’t even finish that joke because it’s making me too nauseous just thinking about it.
36-year-old Kourtney and 21-year-old Justin were seen leaving a club on Friday night and going to Justin’s room at the Montage in Beverly Hills, where she didn’t leave until 4am. A source who’s name I’m sure doesn’t rhyme with Piss Penner tells Gossip Cop that they have been “casually hooking up” since hanging out in October. Yes, as in more than once. Even Kourtney’s deadbeat douchebag baby daddy Scott Disick is probably reacting to this news like “Him? Really?” Well, that or he’s flattered that his ex is rebounding with the Micro Machines version of himself.
This situation is all kinds of NO, but on the bright side, Kourtney won’t have to plan much if Justin decides to sleep over at her house on Christmas Eve. She still has a few days to write a letter to Santa and ask if he could throw a couple extra Legos in his sack. You know, so Justin doesn’t get jealous of Kourtney’s kids on Christmas morning and pout in the corner.
Here’s Kourtney and Justin leaving The Nice Guy on Friday night. I have no idea why Kourtney is dressed like an extra from Dynasty, but whatever the reason, I’m really bummed she didn’t go all out and feather the shit out the front of her hair. Ugh, so lazy this one.
Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who is getting a case of the uncomfortables after looking at Miley Cyrus in adult baby drag. I’m sure even Pedobear was like “Okay, that’s enough internet for today” before shutting his laptop and whipping it out the window.
It’s been all of three weeks since Princess Skunk Weed of Hillbillia released her last WTF-worthy music video (you know, the one that looked like a 60’s liquid light show busted a messy nut on Miley’s face), and she must have got her hands on some stronger drugs since then, because Billy Ray’s kid has managed to make an even more bonkers video. Miley popped a squat and farted the video for a song called “BB Talk” onto the internet last night, and what came out what a cloud of Muppet Babies meets My Strange Addiction stank. Miley dresses up as a baby and sings about how she was fucking on a dude who kept filling her ears with baby talk, the result of which can only be described as a Galoob Baby Face doll that grew up in the bathroom of a Kum & Go. So basically, Miley Cyrus.
Obviously this isn’t the first time Miley has slipped into a diaper and redefined the words “not right“; Miley has been wearing a big baby suit on stage during her Dead Petz tour. But it is the first time she sat in a high chair and threw huge-ass Cheerios onto the ground while I thought to myself: “Well…I guess we all make some embarrassing choices in our 20s.”
Even though the image of Baby Miley talking about getting her hump on so that she doesn’t have to listen to baby talk is totally going to be the star of my nightmares tonight, I do love that inflatable rubber duck. I know it’s nothing more than an inanimate bag of air with painted-on eyes, but that duck is totally searching for an exit harder than anyone has ever searched for an exit before.
Well that was quick! In less time than it took her to pick a set of plastic lips off the menu in the Kardashian Khompound’s tune-up room, Kylie Jenner might have un-dumped Tyga. A whole 48 hours after it was announced that Kim II was taking a break from her adult boyfriend, she threw up a Snapchat picture of the two of them playing footsies on a couch with a message explaining that “Everyone needs to chill.” That loud whooshing sound you just heard was Tyga’s accountant letting out a huge sigh of relief after seeing that his client is still on the Kardashian kash train.
Some of you may be thinking “But wait – didn’t Kylie leave a club with ASAP Rocky on Friday night?” Yes, she did. But according to Hollywood Life, it was because ASAP Rocky was trying to convince Kylie to give Tyga another chance at relevancy. Or maybe it was because he saw an 18-year-old kid at a club and was like “Where’s your parents? Don’t you have school? Get in the car, I’m driving your ass home.” Either way, it looks like Tyga isn’t being re-written as a villain on KUWTK just yet.
Of course, Kylie’s “chill” message was lost on Pimp Mama Kris, who is hyperventilating with pride over how much attention Kylie was able to get from her first fake breakup.
Here’s Tyga’s teenage girlfriend shopping for Thanksgiving food yesterday. At least I’m assuming that’s what she was doing at the grocery store; she could have been picking up a couple fresh honey baked trouser hams for Khloe.
If you’re in Arkansas and see a brand new baby crawling toward the Name Changing Office, pick him up and help him fill out the forms, because he needs your damn help in a major way. Jessa Duggar and her husband Ben Seewald became parents to a baby boy a few days ago and they said it took them a while to pick out their kid’s name. During that time, they both must have gotten a concussion and jacked up their brains, because the name they chose is made of 100% potent WTF. They named him:
SPURGEON ELLIOT SEEWALD
For once, that is not a typo made by me. That is what they really named the human child who they are supposed to love. As if having Jim Bob as a grandpa isn’t bad enough. Now that kid’s gotta go through life with the first name Spurgeon. The 11th commandment should be Thou Shalt Not Name Your Kid Spurgeon.
SpurGeon SeeWald sounds like the name of SpongeBob SquarePants’ arch rival who lives in a coconut under the sea. Spuregon also sounds like the name of a surgeon who only operates on sperm.
In a video on TLC.com, Jessa and Ben said that they named their kid after Charles Spurgeon, who was a famous British preacher in the 1800s. Sure, they could’ve named their baby “Charles,” but then they probably wouldn’t have gotten a whole lot of attention and that would be a waste. This is what Charles Spurgeon looked like:
Dude looks like he plays the banjo in a hipster folk band from Brooklyn and I’d definitely hump on him at a bear bar, but I would not name my kid after him.
Oh well, at least Spurgeon Seewald will be homeschooled so he won’t have to deal with kids calling him “Spooge.” So, there’s that.
It feels like forever since we’ve heard anything about Taylor Swift’s “Please welcome to the stage” posse (and by forever, I of course mean 0.3 seconds, which is 10 years in Taylor Swift attention-needing time). During a show in Nashville on Saturday night, Taylor made the dreams come true of all the dads who were dragged there by their 13-year-old daughters by please-welcome-to-the-stage’ing Mick Jagger. Mick crawled on stage to sing “Satisfaction“, which is totally Tay Tay’s favorite Britney song to sing into her hair brush. If you want to see what it would look like if someone accidentally changed the factory setting on a Gabbigale doll to “awkwardly sexy“, here you go:
Mick fucking brought it; he was wiggling around on stage like a hyperactive puggle who just heard someone say “cookies“. Tay Tay, on the other hand. Eesh. Taylor was like a quilt on pain killers. Girl, you have to match your partner’s energy!
Or maybe she is just so fucking over this shit, since her whole weekend was filled with welcoming new squad friends to the stage. Joining Mick on Saturday was Leona Lewis, who sang “Bleeding Love” with Tay Tay, and on Friday she brought out Alison Krauss, Kelsea Ballerini, and Steven Tyler, who sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”
You know that immediately after seeing this picture, Tay Tay turned to her cat Meredith Grey and was like “Oh my god, she couldn’t even be bothered to brush her hair? Doesn’t she know who she was singing with? Demote her to 3rd tier girl squad status.“
Johnny Depp has been real-life role-playing an itchy-looking mumbling mid-life crisis hobo hipster pirate for so long, that apparently Johnny Depp can’t remember what Johnny Depp is supposed to sound like. Back in the 90s, Johnny Depp’s accent could be classified as Panty Dropping American English, but over time it started to morph into some kind of vague “British bag of weed after getting hit with a tranq dart” thing. Johnny is currently pimping out Black Mass, and maybe the accent part of his brain is still trying to do Whitey Bulger, because he sounded like a linguistic mess during an appearance on the Today show yesterday.
Johnny’s voice box was acting harder than an Oscar-hungry Leo DiCaprio. He started out sort of Johnny-ish, then moved into Foghorn Leghorn, then Drunk Pirate. Page Six seems to think they can hear Johnny slipping into an Australian accent, but I can’t really hear it. Go ahead and judge for yourself.
I would have actually loved it if Johnny went full Aussie. I also would have loved it if he’d thrown on a wig and pretended to be Joh’nny, the long-lost cousin of Ja’ime King from Summer Heights High, but that’s another wish for another day.
But speaking of shitting on things Johnny Depp did, Whitey Bulger himself took some time out of his busy being in prison schedule to have his attorney take a steamy wet one on JD’s performance in Black Mass and send it to People. Keep in mind that Whitey Bulger hasn’t seen Black Mass, and has no plans to ever see it.
“Johnny Depp might as well have been playing the Mad Hatter all over again as far as James Bulger is concerned. Hollywood greed is behind the rush to portray my client, and the movie missed the real scourge created in my client’s case, the real menace to Boston during that time and in other mob cases around the country – the federal government’s complicity in each and every one of those murders with the top echelon informant program.”
Don’t mind him, Johnny. He’s probably just pissed off that the prison decided to show a Mortdecai/Transcendence double-bill at the last movie night.
Every desperate, try hard fame whore who is parched for attention just punched themselves in the head, because they wish their brain would’ve come up with this act of fuckery.
67-year-old Jerry Casale of Devo (Yes, the “Whip It” band) got married to his 26-year-old piece Krista Napp on Friday, which was 9/11, and somebody thought it would be hilarious to do a 9/11 theme at his reception. Imagine if they got married on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. TMZ posted pictures from that mess. Jerry and his young piece of a wife had a World Trade Center wedding cake, they gave out box cutters as party favors and their place settings looked like this:
Most weddings are awful, but at least you can always look forward to free booze and delicious cake. So imagine being at that Devo dude’s wedding and finding out that the cake is of the Twin Towers? I mean, if you’re going to have a Twin Towers cake, at least make it look good. That Twin Towers cake makes that period turd cake look delicious by comparison.
Just when I think that the planet’s supply of WTFness is depleting and we’ve seen it all, TMZ gives us a story about how the Devo dude had a 9/11-themed wedding. But Jerry, who once had a solo project called “Jihad Jerry & the Evildoers,” tells TMZ that the cake and party favors weren’t his idea at all. His friend gave him the cake, because the friend thought they got married on 9/11 on purpose.
“I got married on 9/11 by chance, because it was the last Friday I could get married before my marriage license application expired. So I got married at the Beverly Hills courthouse and had a small dinner with 20 friends at Michael’s. And one of the friends surprised me with the cake and place setting. It’s because they thought it was really macabre that I was getting on 9/11 and I said, ‘No, it’s just arbitrary and Krista and I are the twin towers of love.’ You know, making a joke about love conquering all. We called ourselves the twin towers of love. And so, here comes the surprise, and everybody ate the cake.”
Um, the Devo dude does know what happened to the twin towers he’s comparing his marriage to, right? And like me, you probably looked at that top picture and screamed, “Vicki Lawrence, you mess! Why are you partaking in that foolery?“
There’s been an opening on Bill Cosby’s cheer squad ever since the former captain walked off court and slid her pom poms into the trash, and it looks like Damon Wayans wants to be that person to fill it.
Major Payne gave his thoughts on the gross situation with Bill Cosby during an appearance on New York’s 105.1 The Breakfast Club on Friday, and just like Homey D. Clown, Damon Wayans don’t play dat when it comes to the sexual assault allegations. Damon Wayans thinks poor Bill Cosby is being hustled by a bunch of bitter bitches who are mad that the Jell-O pudding pop in his pants has gone soft. Yes, really. He also claimed that some of the women who came forward are obviously lying because they’re, according to Damon Wayans, “unrapeable.” Coach, please come get your dad.