Well that was quick! In less time than it took her to pick a set of plastic lips off the menu in the Kardashian Khompound’s tune-up room, Kylie Jenner might have un-dumped Tyga. A whole 48 hours after it was announced that Kim II was taking a break from her adult boyfriend, she threw up a Snapchat picture of the two of them playing footsies on a couch with a message explaining that “Everyone needs to chill.” That loud whooshing sound you just heard was Tyga’s accountant letting out a huge sigh of relief after seeing that his client is still on the Kardashian kash train.
Some of you may be thinking “But wait – didn’t Kylie leave a club with ASAP Rocky on Friday night?” Yes, she did. But according to Hollywood Life, it was because ASAP Rocky was trying to convince Kylie to give Tyga another chance at relevancy. Or maybe it was because he saw an 18-year-old kid at a club and was like “Where’s your parents? Don’t you have school? Get in the car, I’m driving your ass home.” Either way, it looks like Tyga isn’t being re-written as a villain on KUWTK just yet.
Of course, Kylie’s “chill” message was lost on Pimp Mama Kris, who is hyperventilating with pride over how much attention Kylie was able to get from her first fake breakup.
Here’s Tyga’s teenage girlfriend shopping for Thanksgiving food yesterday. At least I’m assuming that’s what she was doing at the grocery store; she could have been picking up a couple fresh honey baked trouser hams for Khloe.
If you’re in Arkansas and see a brand new baby crawling toward the Name Changing Office, pick him up and help him fill out the forms, because he needs your damn help in a major way. Jessa Duggar and her husband Ben Seewald became parents to a baby boy a few days ago and they said it took them a while to pick out their kid’s name. During that time, they both must have gotten a concussion and jacked up their brains, because the name they chose is made of 100% potent WTF. They named him:
SPURGEON ELLIOT SEEWALD
For once, that is not a typo made by me. That is what they really named the human child who they are supposed to love. As if having Jim Bob as a grandpa isn’t bad enough. Now that kid’s gotta go through life with the first name Spurgeon. The 11th commandment should be Thou Shalt Not Name Your Kid Spurgeon.
SpurGeon SeeWald sounds like the name of SpongeBob SquarePants’ arch rival who lives in a coconut under the sea. Spuregon also sounds like the name of a surgeon who only operates on sperm.
In a video on TLC.com, Jessa and Ben said that they named their kid after Charles Spurgeon, who was a famous British preacher in the 1800s. Sure, they could’ve named their baby “Charles,” but then they probably wouldn’t have gotten a whole lot of attention and that would be a waste. This is what Charles Spurgeon looked like:
Dude looks like he plays the banjo in a hipster folk band from Brooklyn and I’d definitely hump on him at a bear bar, but I would not name my kid after him.
Oh well, at least Spurgeon Seewald will be homeschooled so he won’t have to deal with kids calling him “Spooge.” So, there’s that.
It feels like forever since we’ve heard anything about Taylor Swift’s “Please welcome to the stage” posse (and by forever, I of course mean 0.3 seconds, which is 10 years in Taylor Swift attention-needing time). During a show in Nashville on Saturday night, Taylor made the dreams come true of all the dads who were dragged there by their 13-year-old daughters by please-welcome-to-the-stage’ing Mick Jagger. Mick crawled on stage to sing “Satisfaction“, which is totally Tay Tay’s favorite Britney song to sing into her hair brush. If you want to see what it would look like if someone accidentally changed the factory setting on a Gabbigale doll to “awkwardly sexy“, here you go:
Mick fucking brought it; he was wiggling around on stage like a hyperactive puggle who just heard someone say “cookies“. Tay Tay, on the other hand. Eesh. Taylor was like a quilt on pain killers. Girl, you have to match your partner’s energy!
Or maybe she is just so fucking over this shit, since her whole weekend was filled with welcoming new squad friends to the stage. Joining Mick on Saturday was Leona Lewis, who sang “Bleeding Love” with Tay Tay, and on Friday she brought out Alison Krauss, Kelsea Ballerini, and Steven Tyler, who sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”
You know that immediately after seeing this picture, Tay Tay turned to her cat Meredith Grey and was like “Oh my god, she couldn’t even be bothered to brush her hair? Doesn’t she know who she was singing with? Demote her to 3rd tier girl squad status.“
Johnny Depp has been real-life role-playing an itchy-looking mumbling mid-life crisis hobo hipster pirate for so long, that apparently Johnny Depp can’t remember what Johnny Depp is supposed to sound like. Back in the 90s, Johnny Depp’s accent could be classified as Panty Dropping American English, but over time it started to morph into some kind of vague “British bag of weed after getting hit with a tranq dart” thing. Johnny is currently pimping out Black Mass, and maybe the accent part of his brain is still trying to do Whitey Bulger, because he sounded like a linguistic mess during an appearance on the Today show yesterday.
Johnny’s voice box was acting harder than an Oscar-hungry Leo DiCaprio. He started out sort of Johnny-ish, then moved into Foghorn Leghorn, then Drunk Pirate. Page Six seems to think they can hear Johnny slipping into an Australian accent, but I can’t really hear it. Go ahead and judge for yourself.
I would have actually loved it if Johnny went full Aussie. I also would have loved it if he’d thrown on a wig and pretended to be Joh’nny, the long-lost cousin of Ja’ime King from Summer Heights High, but that’s another wish for another day.
But speaking of shitting on things Johnny Depp did, Whitey Bulger himself took some time out of his busy being in prison schedule to have his attorney take a steamy wet one on JD’s performance in Black Mass and send it to People. Keep in mind that Whitey Bulger hasn’t seen Black Mass, and has no plans to ever see it.
“Johnny Depp might as well have been playing the Mad Hatter all over again as far as James Bulger is concerned. Hollywood greed is behind the rush to portray my client, and the movie missed the real scourge created in my client’s case, the real menace to Boston during that time and in other mob cases around the country – the federal government’s complicity in each and every one of those murders with the top echelon informant program.”
Don’t mind him, Johnny. He’s probably just pissed off that the prison decided to show a Mortdecai/Transcendence double-bill at the last movie night.
Every desperate, try hard fame whore who is parched for attention just punched themselves in the head, because they wish their brain would’ve come up with this act of fuckery.
67-year-old Jerry Casale of Devo (Yes, the “Whip It” band) got married to his 26-year-old piece Krista Napp on Friday, which was 9/11, and somebody thought it would be hilarious to do a 9/11 theme at his reception. Imagine if they got married on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. TMZ posted pictures from that mess. Jerry and his young piece of a wife had a World Trade Center wedding cake, they gave out box cutters as party favors and their place settings looked like this:
Most weddings are awful, but at least you can always look forward to free booze and delicious cake. So imagine being at that Devo dude’s wedding and finding out that the cake is of the Twin Towers? I mean, if you’re going to have a Twin Towers cake, at least make it look good. That Twin Towers cake makes that period turd cake look delicious by comparison.
Just when I think that the planet’s supply of WTFness is depleting and we’ve seen it all, TMZ gives us a story about how the Devo dude had a 9/11-themed wedding. But Jerry, who once had a solo project called “Jihad Jerry & the Evildoers,” tells TMZ that the cake and party favors weren’t his idea at all. His friend gave him the cake, because the friend thought they got married on 9/11 on purpose.
“I got married on 9/11 by chance, because it was the last Friday I could get married before my marriage license application expired. So I got married at the Beverly Hills courthouse and had a small dinner with 20 friends at Michael’s. And one of the friends surprised me with the cake and place setting. It’s because they thought it was really macabre that I was getting on 9/11 and I said, ‘No, it’s just arbitrary and Krista and I are the twin towers of love.’ You know, making a joke about love conquering all. We called ourselves the twin towers of love. And so, here comes the surprise, and everybody ate the cake.”
Um, the Devo dude does know what happened to the twin towers he’s comparing his marriage to, right? And like me, you probably looked at that top picture and screamed, “Vicki Lawrence, you mess! Why are you partaking in that foolery?“
There’s been an opening on Bill Cosby’s cheer squad ever since the former captain walked off court and slid her pom poms into the trash, and it looks like Damon Wayans wants to be that person to fill it.
Major Payne gave his thoughts on the gross situation with Bill Cosby during an appearance on New York’s 105.1 The Breakfast Club on Friday, and just like Homey D. Clown, Damon Wayans don’t play dat when it comes to the sexual assault allegations. Damon Wayans thinks poor Bill Cosby is being hustled by a bunch of bitter bitches who are mad that the Jell-O pudding pop in his pants has gone soft. Yes, really. He also claimed that some of the women who came forward are obviously lying because they’re, according to Damon Wayans, “unrapeable.” Coach, please come get your dad.
(Side note: Embryonic is a really good first name for a kid.)
Inside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, the ovary eggs of horny whores fried up while watching tall sack of muscles Joe ManJello thrust his crotch in Magic Mike XXL. Outside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, bored pro-life protesters (and paper and marker ink wasters) with nothing to do held up signs that read “Embryonic Lives Matter” and “Unfreeze Your Daughters,” because Sofia Vergara was there. Why does that make me want to sing (to the tune of Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart“), “Unfreeeeeeeeze your daughters, don’t let them be cold for-eeeeeh-vuuuur!”
As most of us know, Sofia Vergara’s clit sore of an ex, Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb, is suing her over the girl embryos they made while still together. Nick wants to implant the embryos in a surrogate and Sofia wants to keep them in the freezer like the 2-year-old bag of frozen peas I swear I’m going to make a side dish for dinner one of these days (no, I’m not). Nick, of course, got the pro-lifers on his side and they did his foolery work for him outside of the Magic Mike XXL premiere yesterday.
If those protesters are going to spend a chunk of their day protesting this kind of shit, they should at least bring some oomph to it. Or should I say, Nick Loeb should pay them more to bring some oomph to it. I mean:
She’s like, “This is not what I had in mind when Jenny asked me if I wanted to go to a big Hollywood premiere.”
For weeks, Donald Trump has been diarrhea-ing up at the mouth about how he’s going to make America a better place. I hoped that Donald Trump would make good on his promise to make America a better place by moving to another country. But nope, instead he is making America a funnier place by running for president. Today, Jabba the Trump threw his flattened guinea pig hair into the ring and announced that he is officially the 4,596th Republican presidential candidate. Right now, The New York Post is preparing their “The American People Declare, ‘You’re Fired‘” cover for when Donald Trump eventually drops out.
During his long SNL skit of a speech, Donald Trump claimed that he’s worth nearly $9 billion, promised to make Mexico pay for a great, big wall on the southern border and said he’d create more jobs (no, not handjobs) than any other president. Trump started off his ridiculous speech by mouth shitting up this dingle at Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue:
“Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for President of the United States and we are going to make our country great again.”
Let’s see… A liar AND delusional. He’s a perfect presidential candidate!
NBC says they are “re-evaluating” Trump’s role in Celebrity Apprentice. (Translation: They’re waiting for his ass to QUIT THAT BITCH so he can go back to his reality shit show.)
And yes, I’m looking at that picture of my Slovenian gold digging goddess angel Melania Trump while thinking to myself, “Is it wrong to vote for that asshole, because I want Melania Trump to be our First Lady? I just know that she’d gold leaf the outside of the White House and use taxpayers’ money to start a national foundation for aspiring gold diggers.”
Here’s most of Trump’s speech if you need a reason to roll your eyes a hundred times today:
This whole Josh Duggar child touching situation has already produced several dozen Big Gulps full of chunky, lukewarm hypocrisy and here’s another one, so open up and plug your nose. The police report from 2006 says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar knew that Josh Duggar was a 14-year-old PedoCub who molested several girls (including his sisters) but they never turned him over to the cops. Jim Bob asked a state trooper friend (turned convicted kiddie porn collector) to give Josh a “stern” warning. When the police wanted to talk to Josh for real in 2006, Jim Bob refused to bring his son in for questioning. Well, the Jim Bob Duggar of 2002 claims to have felt much differently about how an incest committer should be punished.
In 2002, Jim Bob Duggar ran for U.S. Senate and on his campaign website, he said that anybody who commits incest should find themselves side-hugging the Grim Reaper during a one-way trip to hell. Jim Bob’s campaign site has since been deleted, but nothing is ever truly deleted on the internet. Defamer got a screen shot through a cached version of the site. While you read this mess, I’m off to Google: “How Do I Truly Delete A Cached Version Of Some Old MySpace Pictures Of My Friend And Me Dressed In Drag As Mariah Carey In The Heartbreaker Video At A Halloween Party In 1999?”
Jim Bob lost the Republican nomination. Josh Duggar is also still alive.
It’s really not surprising that when his own committed incest, Jim Bob went from “Death to those evil incest doers” to “Oh, I’ll just ask Officer McPedoFlicks over there to give him a stern talking to” real quick. It’s just one of those things that after you read, you shrug and think to yourself, “That’s so Duggar.” But I have learned something new about the Duggars, specifically Michelle.
I used to think that Michelle’s curly fries and tidal wave bang hair looked like that because she covered it with homemade gel and enough hairspray to kill a bull. But now I know that it looks like that because it’s full of dark-sided secrets!
Oh, Bill Cosby “spoke out” alright; he spoke out, in, up, down, backwards, forwards, and sideways. He was the great glass elevator of talking, and all directions lead to NO. Bill Cosby recently spoke to ABC News about those sexual assault allegations that will not go away, no matter how many times he tries to Swiffer sweeper that shit under the rug. I don’t know if he was sucking back a couple fermented pudding pops in the green room before the interview or just doing an impression of a dude who should probably stop talking, but it was a mess.