Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again
Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.
TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!
When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.
At first I was like “Yeah, that’s a bit creepy” but then my brain looked at me like “Girl, you frontin like your jealous ass never threw pins in hastily-constructed voodoo doll you learned how to make by stealing books from the public library”. TRUTH! You could be the sweetest, most kitten cuddling-est person in the world until someone does you dirty, and then the gloves come off and you’re lighting your exes shit on fire and getting suspended for sending nasty letters to that slut Lisa McIntire during work hours. So, I get it, 1992 Mia Farrow. I get it.
Since this is the week that everything is terrible and just reading the words Woody, Mia, Dylan, or Open Letter make you want to crawl inside a tauntaun sleeping bag with a Costco-sized bag of chocolate-dipped Wavy Lays, it should be no surprise that 60 Minutes has unearthed the 1992 interview with Woody Allen where he first defends himself against allegations of child abuse. Ugh, excuse me while I get that sleeping bag.
You won’t really learn anything new from the interview (you already know that creepy turtles be creepin) but he does talk about how after Mia discovered his affair with her daughter, Soon-Yi, she gifted him with a series of angry phone calls and this valentine. If you’re looking at this valentine and wondering where the chocolate is, it has been replaced by a photo of Mia and her children, a knife wrapped in a picture of Soon-Yi, and a small poem to the right that reads: “My child you used and pierced my hearts a hundred times and deep”. That’s pretty controlled for a woman who found out her husband was doing not-right shit with her kids; I feel like the majority of us would have skipped the valentine and sent a hot shit in a paper bag with a note that says “HOPE YOU’RE HUNGRY, FUCKER” instead.
That valentine looks suspicious. Woody says that Mia hand-delivered the valentine to him, but that doesn’t make any sense. Did she insert the knife when she got there? “Hold this for a sec? I still need to stab it”. Also, the knife is through Mia; why would she stab herself? I want to get to the bottom of this; since we’re unearthing everything about Woody Allen this week, can someone try to find out if he signed up for the Valentine’s Crafternoon Class at Michaels in 1992?
Thanks to Uncle Terry and his man muse Jared Leto, you now know what it would look like if a hipster Jesus starred in a gay porn parody of The Shining. The hairy nipples and wet American Apparel chonies are really the stars of this pic.
Uncle Terry shat up these pictures on his Tumblr yesterday of Jordan Catalano looking like a greasy, coked up, mostly waxed Jesus in Tulum, Mexico. Never mind that Uncle Terry will shoot a close-up of a pore on a chick’s clit yet there’s a big white towel covering Jesus Jared’s “hurt like Satan” dick in almost all of these pictures, I still don’t know how it’s possible that Jared Leto is 42 years old. Jared Leto looks so damn young that even noted cradle robber Taylor Swift is trying to get on that. What is the secret to his youthful beauty? Does he maintain his youth by sacrificing a stolen newborn baby to Papa Legba ever year? Don’t even say that the fountain of youth is Uncle Terry’s dick and Jared keeps his youthful pretty intact by getting Uncle Terry jizz facials during their vacations together, because that’s obviously not true. I mean, Lindsay Lohan has probably been there, done that, swallowed it and smeared it and look at her.
Pics: Terry’s Diary
An ocean of stupid poured of Evander Holyfield’s mouth last weekend when he, a dude who regularly pounded other dudes for a gold belt and a purse, said that being gay is a choice and can be cured. Well, more dumb shit came out of Evander’s mouth last night. Before Evander Holyfield became the first trick evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house in Britain, he told a charming story (read: not at all charming story) about how he once fisted a knocked up horse in the jaw. The horseophobic mess told his fellow housemates Liz Jones and Luisa Zissman that he once fell off of a horse and he took it out on the horse by punching her. I guess his brain really was located in his right ear.
Evander: I was so mad, cause I didn’t know my horse was pregnant and the horse feet barely missed me when I fell. I was so mad at the horse, cause I fell. I hit him right in the jaw.
Luisa: That’s awful. I hate people that do that.
Liz: You punched a horse?!
Evander: Yeah, I punched it.
Liz: But you’re a heathen. You’re a heathen.
Evander: I know I was embarrassed by it, but-
Luisa: I think that’s disgusting.
“You punched my pregnant horse” is the new “you kicked my dog” and I don’t like it.
The fuck is wrong with Evander Holyfield? I know, asking “the fuck is wrong with Evander Whoryfield?” is like asking “the fuck is wrong with Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Kanye West, etc…..?” The answer is a long list and we all know what’s on that list. But Evander is a wreck for thinking it’s okay to punch a pregnant horse and for thinking it’s okay to say that you punched a pregnant horse on live TV. If he punched a pigeon, Mike Tyson would’ve stopped cuddling with his favorite pigeon friend to bite that bitch’s tongue out.
But I’m sure there’s more to the story. I’m sure there’s another reason for why Evander punched that pregnant horse. That pregnant horse probably complained about being cold and wasn’t putting God first in her life.
Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.
“Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.”
At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!“ Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.
All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.
Brad Pitt is in 12 Years A Slave for about 5 fast minutes, but it’s his face and Michael Fassbender’s face that are the stars of the movie’s posters in Italy. Tumblr user Carefree Black Girl is in Italy and says that the posters for 12 Years A Slave make the movie seem like it’s a BRAD PITT MOVIE! She wrote this (via Vulture):
I was at the movies the other day ( I live in Italy) and I saw the poster for 12 Years A Slave. I’ve been following the press for months and I can’t wait to watch it but REALLY? I don’t remember Brad Pitt being the protagonist of the film or having such a pivotal role in the story to stay in the middle of the poster…
I sure don’t know anything about marketing strategy to appeal audiences but isn’t this going to far?
Some are screaming racism and some are saying that they put Brad Pitt’s big face on the poster, because he’s the biggest star and they want to sell the movie. Brad Pitt is also a huge star here in the US (ugh) and his giant face is not on the poster. Besides, if they were going with the “Let’s put the biggest STAH on the poster” route, then they should’ve put Michael Fassbender’s huge dick on the poster. It’s a bigger star than Michael Fassbender himself and Brad Pitt combined. Michael Fassbender’s big dick doesn’t totally make a cameo in the movie, but I think I saw its print when he wore old timey pajamas.
But seriously, that poster is a serious mess. Every hardcore Brangeloonie who worships at the altar of Brangelina is looking at that poster and saying, “Hey, I have that airbrushed on the side of my van!” That poster makes it looks like 12 Years A Slave is an Amish romance drama starring Brad Pitt as White Jesus.
In an interview with The Cut, the tepid lump of cream of wheat known as Blake Lively talked about everything from The Cheesecake Factory (stuffed mushrooms and Chicken Madiera 4EVA!), the maybe-lifestyle website she’s launching, pixie cuts, food and a bunch of other crap. The best part of the interview is how she started off answering almost every question the interviewer asked. Blake’s brain sputtered so much before turning over she reminded me of the 1971 Super Beetle I had back in the day that would only start with six sets of crossed fingers, a near-flooded engine and a virgin sacrifice.
Here are the highlights:
What do you think you smell like day-to-day?
I think I smell like … cookies. [Laughs.]
What scent would you associate with your first date?
Hmm. I don’t know if I have ever been on a date.
A lot of other celebrities have been getting pixie cuts recently. Would you?
Hmm, I don’t know.
A lot of people are excited to hear about your upcoming lifestyle site.
I don’t know if it’s a lifestyle site.
So it’s not a lifestyle site?
No. Yes, it will be a site.
What do you think of other lifestyle sites like Goop?
Oh my gosh, I’m such a huge fan.
Have you made anything from the Goop cookbooks?
No, I haven’t.
Blake could have walked into that room, flopped down on a couch and spent the entire interview saying, “Yes, no, maybe so.” and the result would have been exactly the fucking same. Here’s to hoping her wax statue of a husband, Ryan Reynolds, has more to offer their gene pool than his Gaston chin and a six pack you can grate cheese on, or their poor kids will be stuck with more visible abs than they have brain cells.
Reading her interviews, I feel like I have very little in common with Blake, besides the inability to put a coherent sentence together and the fact that my figure is also a product of chocolate and no exercise. Oh, and I also smell like cookies a lot because at any given time there are Oreo crumbs down my bra. Actually, it sounds like she and I have all the key aspects of Blake’s life in common so if you’ll excuse me, there’s a Costco-sized tub of Cool Whip in the fridge with my name and a label that says “go ahead, eat your feelings” on it.
Yesterday, Shia LaDouche, the ingrown hair turned cyst on humanity’s nutsack, squirted out a short film he directed and wrote called HowardCantour.com on the Internet and almost immediately people started saying the same thing they say whenever Lady CaCa shits something new out: “You know, bitch, I’ve seen this before.” Shia’s movie was screened at Cannes in 2012, but he made it available to public eyes for the first time by putting it on Vimeo yesterday. Many noticed that Shia’s short film blatantly ripped off lines of dialogue and visuals from Justin M. Damiano, a 2007 comic written and drawn by famous graphic novelist Daniel Clowes. Shia doesn’t mention Clowes’ name anywhere in the credits, so he pulled a first degree Lohan by shamelessly thieving a ho. Daniel Clowes told Buzzfeed (via Vulture) yesterday that he’s never met Shia LaDouche (his nostrils would never forget that stench) and he was surprised that someone would blatantly take his work to FedEx Office, copy it and pass it off as his own.
“The first I ever heard of the film was this morning when someone sent me a link. I’ve never spoken to or met Mr. LaBeouf. I’ve never even seen one of his films that I can recall — and I was shocked, to say the least, when I saw that he took the script and even many of the visuals from a very personal story I did six or seven years ago and passed it off as his own work. I actually can’t imagine what was going through his mind.”
In an interview with the Chicago Tribune about his copy + paste job last year, LaDouche’s girlfriend at the time, Karolyn Pho, said that he’s a huge Clowes fan, so Shia knew Clowes’ work well.
After LaDouche got called out for his dumb bitch antics, his short film was taken off of Vimeo (you can still watch it here) and he started tweeting out an apology. Before he jumped on Twatter, Shia nervously sat there with gouda-scented sweat secreting out of the dirt holes in his face and he wondered what to write. So he Googled, “Apologize for plagiarizing: how to do it?” and up came a 4-year-old answer from Lili on Yahoo! Answers. Yes, this dumb bitch copied an answer from Yahoo! Answers. Here’s Shia’s apology:
Copying isn’t particularly creative work. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work. In my excitement and naiveté as an amateur filmmaker, I got lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation. Im embarrassed that I failed to credit @danielclowes for his original graphic novella Justin M. Damiano, which served as my inspiration. I was truly moved by his piece of work & I knew that it would make a poignant & relevant short. I apologize to all who assumed I wrote it. I deeply regret the manner in which these events have unfolded and want @danielclowes to know that I have a great respect for his work.
And here’s “Lili’s” answer to the question “Why did Picasso say ‘good artists copy but great artists steal’?”
Merely copying isn’t particularly creative work, though it’s useful as training and practice. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work, and it may even revolutionalize the “stolen” concept.
This is hilarious. Shia can’t even plagiarize an apology from Yahoo! Answers right. I really hope that Shia apologizes to “Lili” by tweeting the lyrics to Brenda Lee’s “I’m Sorry.” An hour after Shia shat up that apology, he tweeted this:
I fucked up.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) December 17, 2013
SHIA STRIKES AGAIN! Get my lawyer, because that’s what I say every time I hit the “publish” button on one of my posts.
None of this is surprising since Shia has a history of snatching shit. Shia plagiarized his apology email to Alec Baldwin, he stole his look from a hitchhiking hobo grifter, he stole his neck beard styling from Madonna’s sascrotch and he stole his personality from a burned off pussy wart. Shia LaDouche’s “command” button can’t stop and won’t stop!
Lance Armstrong has a well-documented history of winning almost every damn bicycle race he was ever in (you’d better be singing Queen right now) in a long career filled with doping and being an asshole and all-around dickbag. Retired Italian cyclist Roberto Gaggioli told Corriere della Sera (via the NY Post) that in 1993 when the bangs were big, the jeans were acid washed and the livin’ was easy, Lance bribed him and other riders to look the other way as he broke away in order to win the $1 million prize in the Thrift Drug Triple Crown (I shit you not on that name).
Roberto says he received $100,000 from Lance but the amount the other riders were paid is unclear, maybe because it wasn’t neatly enclosed in the most promising form of gift wrap on the planet- a pastry box!
“It was a young American colleague,” Roberto Gaggioli told the Corriere della Sera, according to a translation. ”He offered me a panettone [a traditional Italian Christmas cake] as a present and wished me a merry Christmas. In the box there were $100,000 in small bills. That colleague was Lance Armstrong.
“Lance said that my team, Coors Light, had agreed to it. I understood that it had all been decided.”
You know how I know my New Year’s resolution to eat less crap is going to fail spectacularly by dinnertime on January 1? My first reaction was to be irrationally pissed off on Roberto’s behalf that there was no cake in the box. This is the hungry bitch version of giving your girlfriend an empty ring box with the promise to fill it one day when you propose to her. You meant well, I can see what you tried to do there, but NO. The rules are as follows: Ring in the box. Cake in the box. Dick in the box. Got it, Lance??
I wish I could be surprised Lance would shit on the sanctity of baked goods by cheapening it with lots and lots of American dollars, but since he already shat all over the sanctities of marriage, sportsmanship and honesty, I’m pretty much dying of a heart attack from not surprise.
Throughout the weekend, an article from the satire site The Daily Currant where Kanye West claimed that he was the next Nelson Mandela made the rounds and everybody took it as real, because it’s not far off from some of the ridiculousness that has spewed out of his mouth. Well, the shit that R. Kelly said to The Guardian’s G2 supplement (via The Independent), which is not a satire site, I think, is almost as messy as the fake quote about Nelson Mandela that didn’t come out of Kanye’s mouth.
R. Kelly said that he sympathizes with Chris Brown, because they both did some wrong shit and climbed back up. Okay. R. Kelly probably should’ve stopped there and he only would’ve gotten a few side-eyes. But he kept going and just had to compare The Difficult Brown to Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus. R. Kelly speaks in third person so you already know this is going to be extra fucked up and after reading it you’ll know what it feels like for him to piss on your eyeballs after eating a whole lot of asparagus.
“I only feel sorry for weak people. And mostly what I’ve come to find is that the weak people are the ones that are the haters. The ones that’s talking about Chris Brown, or R. Kelly, or anybody that’s successful? I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”
Jesus is probably on Kayak booking his second coming right now and Martin Luther King’s coming with his ass so they can both slap this bitch down for talking crazy.
I don’t remember The Difficult Brown ever getting knocked down.. He knocked a few people down, beat in his girlfriend’s face, smashed a few windows and slapped some others around. I guess that’s practically the same thing as getting knocked down a little bit, right, R. Kelly? And Martin Luther King Jr. fought against intolerance and Chris Brown fought his girlfriend until she ended up in the hospital. Practically twinsies!
On a positive note, whenever R. Kelly is in an interview spewing out some dumb shit, it means at that moment he’s not spewing piss on some underage ass cheeks. There’s always a bright side.