Open Post: Hosted By The Pizza Cake

I know that last week I was instructing you to pack up your things and move to Colorado in order to be closer to that dreamy vending machine that sells weed, but there’s been a change of plans. We’re moving to Canada now. Yes, it’s cold as fuck. Yes, they elect crack-smoking assholes. Yes, the TV suuuuucks (edit: except for Big Brother Canada). But they’ve invented the Pizza Cake, so it will all be worth it.

A restaurant chain in Canada called Boston Pizza (aka Bostons aka Lil’ BoPeez aka My Favorite Restaurant Because I Am Trash) currently has a promotion on called “Pizza Game Changers” where people get to vote which potential new product will be made by Boston Pizza. Half of the ideas are Lohan-level dumb, like the gas-powered pizza cutter or the beard-shaped napkin, and a couple actually seem plausible (you know some gross fuck really wants to eat pizza-flavoured mints). But then there’s the Pizza Cake: six pizzas stacked on top of each other to form a girthy, thick pizza-filled fuck pile.

Even thought the Pizza Cake has more photoshopping than the face of a Kardashian, it’s the only product that looks real and more than 11,000 people have voted for it to be added to the menu. And since it’s Canada, it would be super-rude not to give the people what they asked for, so I’m betting $100 in Canadian Tire Money that the pizza cake will actually be served in Boston Pizzas across the country within a matter of months. Regardless of where you live, go ahead and vote for the Pizza Cake (it’s Canada; it would be rude to check IP addresses) if you want to make a Canadian’s dream come true.

And if the Canadian government is looking for a new national dish, I think they’ve found it. Nothing says “I’ve Got Free Healthcare” like the Pizza Cake.

The Celebrity Peen Hugger Strikes Again!

Don’t linger too long, or you’re going to get a jealous text from Bradley Cooper: “Sorry, didn’t realize you were just going around hugging crotches willy-nilly. Where I’m from, a crotch-hug means something, slut.”

Award season usually brings us lots of actors pulling ‘serious contemplation face’, lots of actors talking about their craft (just typing that gave me such severe douche chills I had to put on a cardigan), and now, thanks to Vitalii Sediuk, we can also add to the list ‘lots of actors’s crotches getting blindsided by the Ukraine’s No.1 professional crotch-snuggler’. The last time we saw Vitalii, he was nose-deep in B-Coops nut sack; this time he set his signs on ambushing Leonardo DiCaprio on the red carpet at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. As I started to watch the video, I sat nervously hoping he didn’t pull a Will Smith and deliver a roundhouse kick to Vitalii’s face, but thankfully he laughed it off. Meanwhile, check out the blonde woman. Jesus lady, calm thafuck down; he’s hugging his legs, not ripping the balls off with his teeth. If Arnie Grape is cool with it, we’re all cool with it.

Hopefully this isn’t the last we see of Vitalii Sediuk, because I’ve already placing bets in my Oscar pool of who’s crotch he’s going to hug next. Right now it’s 5-1 odds on Bruce Dern,10-1 on Chiwetel Ejiofor, and even-odds he hugs Matthew McConaughey’s crotch and faints (“Why does it smell like Corona and low tide at the ocean?”)

Here’s more of Leo, Martin Scorsese, and Big Poppa Waffles (aka Jonah Hill) arriving at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. And for no reason but ALAGANCE, I’ve also included a side of Karina Smirnoff, who arrived looking like she’d be more comfortable in a Sochi nightclub showing high-level members of the IOC a good time:

(Pics: Wenn)