Eight years ago, The Weinstein Company (eeesh) announced they were working on a biopic about Judy Garland, based on the book Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland. It was supposed to star Anne Hathaway. Eight years later, a different Judy Garland biopic has been announced and this one will star Renee Zellweger as Judy. “I’m sorry, was my number disconnected recently?” thought a furious Anne Hathaway, as she crushed her phone in her right hand.
Johnny Depp has been real-life role-playing an itchy-looking mumbling mid-life crisis hobo hipster pirate for so long, that apparently Johnny Depp can’t remember what Johnny Depp is supposed to sound like. Back in the 90s, Johnny Depp’s accent could be classified as Panty Dropping American English, but over time it started to morph into some kind of vague “British bag of weed after getting hit with a tranq dart” thing. Johnny is currently pimping out Black Mass, and maybe the accent part of his brain is still trying to do Whitey Bulger, because he sounded like a linguistic mess during an appearance on the Today show yesterday.
Johnny’s voice box was acting harder than an Oscar-hungry Leo DiCaprio. He started out sort of Johnny-ish, then moved into Foghorn Leghorn, then Drunk Pirate. Page Six seems to think they can hear Johnny slipping into an Australian accent, but I can’t really hear it. Go ahead and judge for yourself.
I would have actually loved it if Johnny went full Aussie. I also would have loved it if he’d thrown on a wig and pretended to be Joh’nny, the long-lost cousin of Ja’ime King from Summer Heights High, but that’s another wish for another day.
But speaking of shitting on things Johnny Depp did, Whitey Bulger himself took some time out of his busy being in prison schedule to have his attorney take a steamy wet one on JD’s performance in Black Mass and send it to People. Keep in mind that Whitey Bulger hasn’t seen Black Mass, and has no plans to ever see it.
“Johnny Depp might as well have been playing the Mad Hatter all over again as far as James Bulger is concerned. Hollywood greed is behind the rush to portray my client, and the movie missed the real scourge created in my client’s case, the real menace to Boston during that time and in other mob cases around the country – the federal government’s complicity in each and every one of those murders with the top echelon informant program.”
Don’t mind him, Johnny. He’s probably just pissed off that the prison decided to show a Mortdecai/Transcendence double-bill at the last movie night.
Alfre Woodard’s face says everything. All that NOT IMPRESSED shade being thrown leads me to believe she has some kind of cringe-based Final Destination 6th sense that tells her when someone’s about to massively fuck up. It’s like she’s looking at the person uploading this picture to Instagram and telepathically telling them: “I’m not Tyler Perry, either. Try again, bitch.”
Armani posted several pictures of highfalutin celebrity types wearing Armani gowns and suits at the 5th Annual Governor’s Awards on Saturday night to their Instagram account, one of which was award-winning actress Alfre Woodard. When it came time to caption the picture, I guess someone drew a blank on who she was, and instead of getting their dumb asses to Google, they named her Idris Elba and called it a day. In case you’re not familiar, this is Idris Elba:
Exactly. Someone at Armani was playing the Amy Adams/Isla Fisher game, but with a woman and a man. On a sliding scale between Not That Bad and Are You Fucking Joking?, we’re all about here, right?
A few Instagram commenters think we should give whomever is running the Armani Instagram account a break, since it’s probably a 20-year-old unpaid intern who doesn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground, and like, maybe 10% of me agrees? I mean, it took my 5th viewing of that PlayStation ‘Perfect Day’ commercial to realize I couldn’t tell two 30-year-old white dudes apart (I thought it was one guy talking to himself; the commercial made literally no goddamned sense to me). But that’s fucking apples and oranges: confusing an Award-winning old lady actress with a drug dealer from The Wire, and my dumb drunk ass confusing two no-name white guys in a 30-second Gameboy commercial is not the same thing.
Armani noticed their mistake after thousands of comments brought it to their attention and now the picture is rightfully captioned as Alfre Woodard, but that hasn’t stopped the good people of Twitter from beating the hell out of this joke by creating the hashtag #armanicaptions. Here are some of my favourites (I’m sending an engagement ring over to the person who made the Noxeema Jackson one with a note that says MARRY ME PLS as we speak):
Someone needs to clear time in Kanye’s CAPS LOCK/overboard proposal/delusions of grandeur schedule so he can do some research on why marrying Kim Kardashian without a prenup is the dumbest fucking idea in the history of dumb fucking ideas. A source told HollywoodLife:
“Kanye’s in love with Kim to the point of infatuation. It’s scary because the love is so powerful, Kanye doesn’t even want to have a prenup,” the source says. “He thinks it’s tacky and he doesn’t want to offend Kim or make anything seem awkward. He loves Kim too much for that to even cross his mind. He thinks of his money and his accomplishments and hers and he wants to share them with her — no strings attached.”
There is so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, Kanye doesn’t love anybody but Kanye. He eats, sleeps and breathes his own hype so hard, it wouldn’t surprise me if he spent a good amount of his time practicing yoga so he can be flexible enough to come full circle and just suck himself off. Second of all, protecting the fruits of your labors is what he finds tacky? We should take up a collection to get his ass an Amazon gift card so he can purchase every excruciating season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians to see it’s too damn late to concern himself with tackiness now. And last but not least- silly rabbit, there are ALWAYS strings attached when you’re dealing with PMK and her shallow ass gene pool! Your future mother-in-law has probably written dozens of Kimye fan fictions in which the Kardashians somehow end up with millions of your money.
Here are some pics of PMK (wearing an outfit my eight year old niece wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole) and Kim sending PETA into a vengeful rage by wearing a fur leaving their hotel in San Francisco. You folks in the Bay Area do a hometown girl a solid and have the city condemn that building now that it’s been tainted.