Category: I Smell Trouble

That’s Not Katy Perry With Orlando Bloom…

May 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Well, this is a little awkward. Allow me to explain what is happening in these grainy-as-hell pictures above. On the right, you have Orlando Bloom, who appears to be – forgive me Jesus for using this word – canoodling with a lady in a booth at a club. And according to TMZ , the woman he’s ‘noodling with is Selena Gomez. In case you’ve forgotten, Orlando’s dick currently belongs to Katy Perry.

TMZ says the above pictures of Orlando reuniting with his one-time revenge hookup Selena were taken on Saturday night at the after-party for her show in Las Vegas. The after-party was at Light in Mandalay Bay, and sources say that Orlando surprised everyone by showing up. 39-year-old Orlando and 23-year-old Selena found a booth together and got to touching. A source describes them as being “touchy-feely.” However, whatever happened in that booth stayed in that booth; the source says that Selena went back to her room alone at the end of the night.

As for where Katy Perry was when all this was happening, she was apparently back in California at a Renaissance Fair. I sort of wish it was the other way around; I would have loved to have seen Orlando macking on Selena while holding a giant turkey leg.

Even without these pictures, which I’m sure have already been thrown in a frame and hung in the Indiscreet Dummies wing of the Cheating Hall of Fame, Orlando would have been busted the second Katy got home and took a look at the state of his Tamagotchi. “Oh my god, it’s dead! It looks like died from malnutrition and feces exposure on Saturday night. Where were you Saturday night that you couldn’t take care of it? Explain yourself!

Pic: TMZ

Jessica Alba’s Honest Company Is In Trouble Again For Maybe Being Dishonest

April 27, 2016 / Posted by:

This isn’t a story about how half the items in that travel essentials vending machine aren’t TSA approved. Although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we discover that too, since The Honest Company was apparently created on a bed of LIES!!

Back in September, Jessica Alba’s company was hit with a lawsuit alleging that things labeled “non-toxic” were actually full of synthetic chemicals, that she was being deceptive when she threw around the word “natural“, and that her sunblock was shit. Then in March, they were accused of putting a chemical in their laundry detergent that they swore they’d never put in. Now they’re in trouble for passing non-organic baby formula off as organic. Gasp! The star of Honey would never!

Page Six says The Honest Company is currently being sued by the Organic Consumers Association over the ingredient list on their organic infant formula. According to the lawsuit, 11 of the 40 ingredients listed are synthetic substances that are not allowed in products labeled as organic. The OCA also allege that some ingredients are federally regulated as “hazardous compounds“, that one ingredient is “irradiated” (ie. exposed to radiation), and some have been assessed as not safe for human foods. Hazardous? Radioactive? Are we sure The Honest Company baby formula isn’t just powdered Planters Cheez Balls?

The Honest Company isn’t the only company the OCA are coming after; they’ve also slapped at Earth’s Best for allegedly filling their organic formulas full of crap as well. Neither Jessica Alba or The Honest Company has said anything about this maybe-shady situation. But the company that owns Earth’s Best insists that their baby formulas follow the USDA’s organic standards, and are confident that the OCA’s lawsuit will be dismissed.

Regardless of what happens, I’m sure this lawsuit is a major wake-up call for other actresses-turned-organic lifestyle hustlers. At the very least, I bet it’s making Gwyneth Paltrow sweat a little. “Oh shit! Someone round up those bees and ask to see some IDs. I swear to god if one of them turns out to be a wasp and I get sued for misrepresentation, I’m taking all you bitches down with me!

Pic: Instagram

A Judge Might Examine 50 Cent’s Finances To See If He’s Telling The Truth About Being Broke

March 10, 2016 / Posted by:

50 Cent was in bankruptcy court yesterday to talk about the tumbleweeds blowing around in his bank account and to answer some questions about all that money he keeps taking Instagram pictures with. 50 claimed in court documents that the money in his Instagram shots is fake cash from music videos etc… 50 explained that looking rich is part of “his brand” and that’s why he keeps posing with fake money. But CBS News says there was one bankruptcy court official who wasn’t buying it yesterday and they’ve urged a judge to take a close look at 50’s finances.

Holley Claiborn, an attorney for the U.S. Trustee’s Office and a woman whose name sounds like Liz Claiborne’s lesser-known clothing line for preteen overachievers, asked 50 Cent’s bankruptcy judge to hire an examiner to find out if he’s really broke or not. Holley thinks 50, who reportedly owes his creditors almost $28.5 million, isn’t being completely honest about how much money he has and she wants him to be held fully accountable.

If 50 Cent really is broke and those $100 bills spelling it out really are just pretend, then you’d think he wouldn’t have a problem with an examiner getting to the bottom of his money situation. Wrong. Yesterday, both 50 Cent’s lawyers and his creditors’ attorneys said no to Holley’s request. Judge Ann Nevins didn’t rule either way, but CBS News says she could make a decision before their next hearing on April 6th.

That doesn’t mean Judge Ann doesn’t have her suspicions about 50’s bank account. She said she’s “concerned” that something in the coin roll ain’t clean after she compared his initial financial statement with a financial statement that was filed last month.

Regardless, 50 Cent considered yesterday’s trip to court a good one, and he celebrated by stuffing several thousand dollars into his pants for another one of his Instagram portraits. I know I didn’t before, but now I really want to believe that money isn’t real. The next time I hold a $100 bill, the last thing I want to be wondering is if it’s been rubbing against 50 Cent’s junk. “Listen to you, acting like you have $100 to withdraw” laughed my bank account.

Pic: 50 Cent

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Calvin Harris And Taylor Swift Might Not Work Out Because He’s Allergic To Her Pussies

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

According to MSN News, the adorable sunshine-haired match made in the PR offices of Candy Land that is the coordinated his-and-hers clothing romance between Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris is already in trouble, and it’s all because of her cats. A “source” (that gossipy skank Queen Frostine) says that Calvin discovered he was allergic to Tay Tay’s two butterscotch fur babies, Meredith and Olivia, after he tried to spend the night at Tay Tay’s sugar cookie compound in LA last week. Instead of snacking on her Sunkist Fun Fruit (ew, I’m sorry), he spent the whole night “blowing his nose and complaining he couldn’t breathe.

The source goes on to say that Tay Tay’s pussies shed like crazy and there’s cat hair all over the bed, so Calvin has suggested they start hooking up at his house or in hotel rooms. But since everyone knows Tay Tay’s legs won’t open unless someone guides her over to her pastel rose canopy bed using a Precious Places key, that probably won’t happen.

Calvin Harris better stock up on Costco-quantities of Benadryl if he wants to keep seeing Tay Tay, because there’s no way she’s going to choose him over her cats. Tay Tay is more attached to those pussies than she is her own pussy, and if push comes to shove, she’ll dump him faster than a bag full of stinky littler-crusted cat turds.

I’m sure if it was at all possible, Tay Tay would have had her cats present that Milestone Award she received from the Academy of Country Music last night instead of her mother Andrea, but I doubt her cats would have been into it. Unless it’s the red dot at the end of a laser pointer or a fresh pile of laundry, cats don’t give a shit.

And because no story about Tay Tay is complete without a couple pictures of her looking like a limited-edition Betty Draper Barbie doll, here she is in NYC on Saturday:

Pics: Instagram, Splash

David Arquette’s Club Might Be In Trouble For Serving Beer To Justin Bieber

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Looking at this picture of lil’ Justin Bieber sucking on a brewski just made me nostalgic for all the times I tried to get my hands on a beer as a kid. I never did succeed; I’d always end up getting distracted by Glo Friends. But Justin Bieber is a much more determined child than I ever was, and his thirst for taking swigs out of the grown-ups beer bottles has landed a West Hollywood club in trouble.

According to TMZ, Justin Bieber and his new BFF Chris Brown (like moths to a flame, two assholes meet in the night) went to David Arquette’s club Bootsy Bellows. Because Boosty Bellows sells food, they can let anyone in, but only people 21 and older can order booze. Unfortunately, someone snapped a picture of 20-year-old Justin Bieber walking around Bootsy Bellows holding a beer bottle, and now the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is ready to slap them with a giant fine and law enforcement are planning on sending in a bunch of undercover cops to try see if they can bust them for selling liquid happiness to minors.

I don’t think there’s any need to call Gene Parmesan, because this is clearly an open and shut case. Justin Bieber wanted to impress Chris Brown’s friends, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big boys (because two sips of beer and Justin goes night-night). So he filled an empty beer bottle with apple juice and pretended he was drinking just like them. Trust me – if the cops look through the trash, I’ll bet they’ll find a Heineken bottle that smells like Motts for Tots with his animal cracker-crusted finger prints on it. CASE CLOSED!

Pic: Splash

There Might Be Trouble In Crazy-Pants Paradise

March 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Color me shocked to hear the rumblings that the romance might be dead in Halle Berry and Oliver Martinez’s drama-loving Camelot. I was under the impression that when two fight-happy fools got together they mated for life like swans and penguins, feeding off each others screams and tantrums and funnelling all that energy into crazy bed-breaking sex. At the very least, I thought that when the inevitable happened and their relationship dried up like a crusty cat turd it would end with some plate-smashing or shed burning, but according to the Daily News, it’s much less exciting:

Berry and Martinez have not been seen in public together in months. Making whispers of their split even stronger, Berry was not wearing her wedding ring as the special guest at a post-Oscars party. Meanwhile, Martinez was nowhere to be seen.

The formerly PDA-loving couple were last seen in public together on Dec. 7 looking glum as they took in a performance of “The Lion King” at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood.

The Lion King probably makes them sad because the first 3 seconds of AHHH ZABENYA serves as a constant reminder that they really should have named their son Simba.

So that’s all we’ve got to go on right now. Not being seen in public together in months. Not wearing a wedding ring. Frowny-faces during Hakuna Matata. All of which seems way too low-key and dignified for the drama school theatrics of Halle and Oliver. I won’t believe they’re truly splitting up till there’s a pap video of Halle whipping her wedding band at Oliver’s face in a Whole Foods parking lot after accusing him of Facebooking some ex-girlfriend from high school, who in turn kicks a pap and accuses them of invading his privacy, all while Gabriel Aubry sits on the hood of a car laughing to himself with a beer and a bag of popcorn. Then I’ll believe it’s officially over.

(Pic: Wenn)

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