Category: I Don’t Want To Think About It

And Now For Hayden Panettiere’s Description Of Her Body After Giving Birth

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

What better way to celebrate the night Santa pushes a 200lb bag of presents down your tiny-ass chimney than by talking about miniature dollhouse human Hayden Panettiere pushing her giant fiance Wladimir Klitschko’s baby out of her small person parts. Merry Christmas! It’s time to talk about wrecked pussies! During an interview with People about her new baby Kaya, 5-feet-tall Hayden confessed that she’s still getting used to her body ever since it pushed out a 7lb, 14oz 20-inch-long baby almost two weeks ago:

“I’m limping around. I’m still trying to figure out what [pregnancy] has done to my body, how it’s changed it. What’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs, you know — please tell me this is temporary! But I know some things will never be the same again.”

You’d think that fucking a giant would have prepared her for pushing out a burrito-sized child from her down-lows, but I guess nothing really prepares your pussy for that. All I know is that the only time I’ve ever come close to ripping apart my lady parts was the time I accidentally used an extra super absorbancy tampon from one of those machines at the mall and it literally felt like I was shoving a rolled-up beach towel up there. That was 6 years ago, and my googe still hasn’t forgiven me. It brings it up all the time. So to say that I’m terrified of the idea of giving birth is an understatement. I was a 10lb baby! And just like that, my vagina hissed “oh, fuck that” and bought a one-way ticket to Tijuana.

And what does it mean if you feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs and you haven’t given birth to a giant baby? Is that something I should be asking my doctor about? Eh, it’s probably fine.

Pic: Wladimir Klitschko

Eddie Redmayne Says The First Boner He Ever Got Was For Nala From “The Lion King”

December 23, 2014 / Posted by:

While I’m sure the majority of boys in the 90s discovered what boners were by watching re-runs of Designing Women or the hot beach volleyball scene from Top Gun, Eddie Redmayne, handsome British actor type and person who sort of looks like Alyssa Edwards out of drag, recently admitted on The Graham Norton Show (via E!) that his “sexual awakening” was caused by Simba’s sexy lion girlfriend Nala while watching The Lion King. “Really? Her?” hissed a half-naked Ariel.

“I was asked who your first crush is, and…I loved The Lion King when I was younger and I had a weird obsession with Nahla. Look at her face, she’s so sweet, and she can sing really well!”

He also confessed that he had the hots for Maid Marian from Robin Hood, an admission to which fellow guest Anna Kendrick co-signed, adding that she had a crush on Robin Hood. I mean, that’s…not weird, right? I’ll be honest – when I was younger, I thought Robin Hood was hot. I might have also had a crush on Bart Simpson, Spider Man, the Hamburger Helper glove, Charlie B. Barkin from All Dogs Go To Heaven, and that horny brass hustler Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast (I didn’t know what sex was, but I was sure I wanted my first time to be with a come-to-life candle). Oh, and one time I had a sexy dream about The Head from Art Attack. Please tell me that’s not weird.

And now that Eddie Redmayne admitted that he got horn-horn for a cartoon-looking lady lion, he’ll no doubt find himself on the receiving end of some very suggestive Facebook messages from Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Anna Wintour Is Refusing To Go To Work Because Her New Office Is Infested With Rats

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

When the employees of VOGUE moved into their new office at 1 World Trade Center earlier this month, they discovered a surprise. No, it wasn’t that building management had left them an all-blueberry muffin basket; it was that their office was overrun with rats. RATS! Pointy kitties! Multiple sources tell Gawker that the rat problem is so bad, fancy reptilian humanoid Anna Wintour has informed VOGUE staff that they have to prove that her office is rat-free before she steps into it. No word on where she’s currently working, but I’ll assume she was able to find a warm rock to curl up on.

I’m not sure what Anna’s problem is; rats are super smart! Has she never seen Ratatouille? That one rat learned how to speak English AND cook French food. Show some respect, Anna! And it’s not just rats! Remember how Cinderella’s mice friends designed AND sewed her a ballgown? A BALLGOWN! Rats and mice are practically people! Sure, maybe one will bite you and you’ll have to haul ass to the hospital for a rabies shot, but I’m sure the rest are cool.

Or maybe she refuses to enter her office because she’s terrified that one of the rats will look like Miss Bianca, and she knows she could never compete with such a chic bitch.

I know rats are everywhere in New York City, but I can’t help but wonder if somebody put those rats in Anna Wintour’s office on purpose? Let’s see, who would be deeply tasteless enough to get revenge on Anna Wintour by filling her office with creatures known to hang around trash. Quick, somebody check Kim Kardashian’s klothes for traces of rat hair!

Jose Canseco’s Finger Fell Off While Playing In A Poker Tournament

November 15, 2014 / Posted by:

WARNING: If you’re anything like me and you’ve got a weak-ass stomach that gets the wet heaves whenever gross shit is mentioned, then you might want to clear a path to the bathroom, because there’s a 50/50 chance this story will make you race for the toilet.

So, remember a couple weeks ago when Jose Canseco was cleaning his loaded guns at the kitchen table and accidentally shot off his middle finger? Jose’s girlfriend Leila Knight was worried that doctors might not be able to reattach it, but as it turns out – yeah, they could. After a couple hours in surgery, Jose was reunited with his finger! Yay! Unfortunately, the reunion wasn’t destined to be a permanent one. Jose announced yesterday on Twitter that his frankenfinger fell off in the middle of a poker game Friday night:

As if that wasn’t revolting enough, Jose also tweeted (then deleted) a picture of the stump where his finger used to be. I’ve hidden it after the cut because it’s gross as hell, but also because the stump looks like a penis.

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Anne Hathaway Says She Had No Choice But To Wear A Pointy Nipple-Looking Dress To The 2012 Academy Awards

October 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Is it just me or does Anne Hathaway’s nipples look like a sloth’s beady little eyes? It’s me, right? I might still be hungover.

So Ann-with-an-E Hathaway continues to bring us the Anne Hathaway Redemption Tour, and this time she’s spoken to Harper’s Bazaar about the Hathahate and how she’s totally not that girl anymore (ie: painfully obnoxious) and how she absolutely, totally didn’t have an epic Broadway showtune-screaming Hatha-meltdown when she found out that Amanda Seyfried was planning on wearing almost the exact same dress as her to the 2012 Academy Awards. Anne says she didn’t care! It wasn’t a big deal! Sure, she was forced to wear a dress that made her look like a factory defected Fembot from Austin Powers, BUT SHE’S TOTALLY OK WITH THAT! Anne’s long-ass nipple dress story is after the cut, because bitch goes into detail about that shit.

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The Cloud Hackers Have Released The First Peen Pics, And They Belong To Nick Hogan

October 5, 2014 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, the cloud hackers took a break from releasing more of Jennifer Lawrence’s stolen nipple pics this weekend to finally gave the people what they’ve been demanding for weeks now  – PICS OF FAMOUS DICKS. Except they took our request a little too literally and leaked stolen pics of Hulk Hogan’s dickhead-looking son Nick Hogan. TMZ says the photos are pretty graphic (insert cat saying NO NO NO NO NO video here), including pictures of him from high school, Nick doing some No Holds Barred moves on a couple of ladies, pics of his dick, and several pictures of (WARNING GRAB A BARF BAG) his mom Linda Hogan wearing a thong and bending over.

But getting hacked could actually be bad news bears for Nick Hogan. TMZ says a couple of the stolen high school pics feature – you guessed it – underage high school girls, which means both he and the hackers are technically in possession of what is technically child porn. Ruh roh. Of course, Nick is a dummy and he’s half denying it. He isn’t denying that the underage high school girl pics are his – he claims he’s kept almost everything that was recorded or photographed from his life. But he says the dick pics aren’t pictures of his dick.

Obviously, the silver lining is that they didn’t release any dick pics of Hulk Hogan. My eyes don’t need to see The Hulkster’s HGH-jacked overcooked jerky-looking Lil’ Hulkamaniac or his silky bandana-wrapped butter yellow pubes.

Not funny, cloud hackers! Of all the penis pics that could have been released (Jon Hamm, Joe Manjello, Jon Hamm, Christopher Meloni, or, I dunno, JON HAMM) the cloud hackers decided to kick off The Fappening 4: The Tappening by releasing stolen iCloud dick pics of Hulk Hogan’s busted sperm. I feel like at any minute, a black and white hologram of Rod Serling is going to appear behind me saying: “The desperate Dorito-dust-covered creature seen before you is Allison, a woman who just realized that when it comes to dick pics, be careful what you wish for. Because sometimes the dick pics you get aren’t the dick pics you want.” Cue the Twilight Zone neener-neener music!

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