Category: I Don’t Want To Think About It

Anna Wintour Is Refusing To Go To Work Because Her New Office Is Infested With Rats

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

When the employees of VOGUE moved into their new office at 1 World Trade Center earlier this month, they discovered a surprise. No, it wasn’t that building management had left them an all-blueberry muffin basket; it was that their office was overrun with rats. RATS! Pointy kitties! Multiple sources tell Gawker that the rat problem is so bad, fancy reptilian humanoid Anna Wintour has informed VOGUE staff that they have to prove that her office is rat-free before she steps into it. No word on where she’s currently working, but I’ll assume she was able to find a warm rock to curl up on.

I’m not sure what Anna’s problem is; rats are super smart! Has she never seen Ratatouille? That one rat learned how to speak English AND cook French food. Show some respect, Anna! And it’s not just rats! Remember how Cinderella’s mice friends designed AND sewed her a ballgown? A BALLGOWN! Rats and mice are practically people! Sure, maybe one will bite you and you’ll have to haul ass to the hospital for a rabies shot, but I’m sure the rest are cool.

Or maybe she refuses to enter her office because she’s terrified that one of the rats will look like Miss Bianca, and she knows she could never compete with such a chic bitch.

I know rats are everywhere in New York City, but I can’t help but wonder if somebody put those rats in Anna Wintour’s office on purpose? Let’s see, who would be deeply tasteless enough to get revenge on Anna Wintour by filling her office with creatures known to hang around trash. Quick, somebody check Kim Kardashian’s klothes for traces of rat hair!

Jose Canseco’s Finger Fell Off While Playing In A Poker Tournament

November 15, 2014 / Posted by:

WARNING: If you’re anything like me and you’ve got a weak-ass stomach that gets the wet heaves whenever gross shit is mentioned, then you might want to clear a path to the bathroom, because there’s a 50/50 chance this story will make you race for the toilet.

So, remember a couple weeks ago when Jose Canseco was cleaning his loaded guns at the kitchen table and accidentally shot off his middle finger? Jose’s girlfriend Leila Knight was worried that doctors might not be able to reattach it, but as it turns out – yeah, they could. After a couple hours in surgery, Jose was reunited with his finger! Yay! Unfortunately, the reunion wasn’t destined to be a permanent one. Jose announced yesterday on Twitter that his frankenfinger fell off in the middle of a poker game Friday night:

As if that wasn’t revolting enough, Jose also tweeted (then deleted) a picture of the stump where his finger used to be. I’ve hidden it after the cut because it’s gross as hell, but also because the stump looks like a penis.

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Anne Hathaway Says She Had No Choice But To Wear A Pointy Nipple-Looking Dress To The 2012 Academy Awards

October 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Is it just me or does Anne Hathaway’s nipples look like a sloth’s beady little eyes? It’s me, right? I might still be hungover.

So Ann-with-an-E Hathaway continues to bring us the Anne Hathaway Redemption Tour, and this time she’s spoken to Harper’s Bazaar about the Hathahate and how she’s totally not that girl anymore (ie: painfully obnoxious) and how she absolutely, totally didn’t have an epic Broadway showtune-screaming Hatha-meltdown when she found out that Amanda Seyfried was planning on wearing almost the exact same dress as her to the 2012 Academy Awards. Anne says she didn’t care! It wasn’t a big deal! Sure, she was forced to wear a dress that made her look like a factory defected Fembot from Austin Powers, BUT SHE’S TOTALLY OK WITH THAT! Anne’s long-ass nipple dress story is after the cut, because bitch goes into detail about that shit.

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The Cloud Hackers Have Released The First Peen Pics, And They Belong To Nick Hogan

October 5, 2014 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, the cloud hackers took a break from releasing more of Jennifer Lawrence’s stolen nipple pics this weekend to finally gave the people what they’ve been demanding for weeks now  – PICS OF FAMOUS DICKS. Except they took our request a little too literally and leaked stolen pics of Hulk Hogan’s dickhead-looking son Nick Hogan. TMZ says the photos are pretty graphic (insert cat saying NO NO NO NO NO video here), including pictures of him from high school, Nick doing some No Holds Barred moves on a couple of ladies, pics of his dick, and several pictures of (WARNING GRAB A BARF BAG) his mom Linda Hogan wearing a thong and bending over.

But getting hacked could actually be bad news bears for Nick Hogan. TMZ says a couple of the stolen high school pics feature – you guessed it – underage high school girls, which means both he and the hackers are technically in possession of what is technically child porn. Ruh roh. Of course, Nick is a dummy and he’s half denying it. He isn’t denying that the underage high school girl pics are his – he claims he’s kept almost everything that was recorded or photographed from his life. But he says the dick pics aren’t pictures of his dick.

Obviously, the silver lining is that they didn’t release any dick pics of Hulk Hogan. My eyes don’t need to see The Hulkster’s HGH-jacked overcooked jerky-looking Lil’ Hulkamaniac or his silky bandana-wrapped butter yellow pubes.

Not funny, cloud hackers! Of all the penis pics that could have been released (Jon Hamm, Joe Manjello, Jon Hamm, Christopher Meloni, or, I dunno, JON HAMM) the cloud hackers decided to kick off The Fappening 4: The Tappening by releasing stolen iCloud dick pics of Hulk Hogan’s busted sperm. I feel like at any minute, a black and white hologram of Rod Serling is going to appear behind me saying: “The desperate Dorito-dust-covered creature seen before you is Allison, a woman who just realized that when it comes to dick pics, be careful what you wish for. Because sometimes the dick pics you get aren’t the dick pics you want.” Cue the Twilight Zone neener-neener music!

Katherine Heigl Got The Crew Of Her New Show To Strip Down While She Filmed A Sex Scene

October 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Excuse me, but I need to take a moment to try to locate my brain. It read the words “Katherine Heigl” and “sex scene” and just NOPE-d the fuck out my skull and ran as fast as it could down the street. Apparently my brain doesn’t want to imagine Mommie Dearest getting her pretend hump on?

The human version of a charley horse Instagrammed a picture of herself filming a sex scene for the new NBC show State of Affairs yesterday, and it looks like they all really like her and totally don’t hate working with her (I see you, Katherine Heigl’s PR person) because UsWeekly says they all decided to make Katherine feel a bit more comfortable by going topless with her. Who knows if they chose to do it on their own of Katie pulled a Lindsay Lohan and DEMANDED they get nekkid too, but they all look pretty happy to air out their man-nips.

And for those of you, like my brain, who got scared that this was a picture of Katie filming a crowd-funded porno called Knocked Up 2: Knocked Up By 4 Dudes or 27 Inches, she assures you IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. Katherine captioned the pic:

“Nope I haven’t gone into the adult film business…just having a little fun w/ my amazingly supportive crew who shed their shirts in solidarity!! Love you all!!”

If I were one of those guys, my biggest fear would be that someone would accidentally get Katherine Heigl’s coffee order wrong (“I SAID EXTRA HOT!!!“), which would cause her to flip out and go on a rabid bitch rampage and rip one my nipples off with her teeth. I hope NBC has good accidental nipple loss coverage.

JWoww Says Her Vagina Is Closed For The Next Two Years

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who may or may not be slowly morphing into the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter, made an appearance on HuffPost Live to promote the horror comedy film she produced called Jersey Shore Massacre (aka JWoww’s New Face). Since JWoww only gave birth to her daughter a little over a month ago, the conversation turned to the massacre that happened when she pushed an 8lb baby out of her Botoxed to the shore and back vagina. The ghost of Rocky Dennis (copyright: The Superficial) said that while everything is back to normal down there, she’s not exactly open for business:

“I’m not going to have sex for another year or two” she told host Caitlyn Becker. Meilani, her daughter, was born five weeks ago, but the reality star’s remained celibate “because doctors advise waiting until the six-week mark.”

Although she and Roger haven’t cozied up to one another since the beginning of her pregnancy, JWoww admitted she’s not looking forward to resuming sexual activity.

“It’s like virgin status,” she affirmed. “[Roger's] like, ‘Come on!’ and I’m like ‘No — I was stitched. You have to wait!’”

The only thing more unsettling than JWoww’s eye holes (for real, WHAT is going ON with her eye hole situation?!?!?) is hearing JWoww casually say the words “I was stitched” at the 20:00 mark. I just cringed, clamped, clenched, shuddered, all of it. And forget about my vagina; it heard the words “I was stitched”, immediately fell into an unresponsive catatonic state. It’s currently curled into the fetal position on the floor. RIP pussy, it was nice knowing you.

Here’s more of JWoww serving up some entry-level Lil’ Kim realness/melting dollar store cat candle eleganza in New York yesterday.

Pics: Splash

QOTD: Fergie Says French Kissing Her Son Is “So Delicious”

August 16, 2014 / Posted by:

And now in “It’s not wrong, but it’s not right” news, Fergie – a name I’ll always associate with eyebrow piercings, Von Dutch trucker hats, and those ruffled striped mini skirts – admitted to Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately Thursday night that her 11-month son Axl Duhamel is really into French kissing right now, but he’s not practicing his skills on a Playskool Glow Worm like all his other baby friends. Fergie says he’s Frenching on her, and she loves it:

“My son likes to French kiss me a lot. It’s so delicious! He goes in for the kill, but I’ll have to cut that off at a certain age, or else it’ll be weird, a little bit Oediupus.”

Cut to Stephanie Seymour throwing a “Speak for yourself, bitch” side-eye.

Obviously Axl doesn’t know what he’s doing is borderline not-right, because he’s a baby, and babies love to stick their tongues in everything, but I’d be worried about him swallowing excessive amounts of lipstick. Fergie has a face that was built for a trowel and a two-ton tub of spackle, and her mouth is always coated in a thick layer of lead-based paint. No doubt Baby Axl tongues his mama’s alkyd-coated mouth and gets that same dizzy googly-eyed feeling you get when you accidentally sniff too much nail polish, and spends the rest of nap time chasing the Dragon Tales dragons.

But maybe Axl isn’t trying to French kiss her at all; maybe he’s actually searching for leftover tidbits of meth! Axl, no! It’s not worth it! You’re too cute to show up on one of those “Baby Faces of Meth” mug shot collections!

O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Kardashian, Says He’s Going To Marry Her When He Gets Out Of Prison

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

“Terrific! Are you interested in the 3 month or 6 month marriage option? I’ll have Satan fax you over a Kardashian Kontract as soon as possible!” – Pimp Mama Kris.

According to Radar, O.J. Simpson (who sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt being choked by Leia in this picture, right?) has all the other dudes in prison writing letters to Kim Kardashian that start with the words: “Hooker, you in danger girl”, because he’s been saying some next-level creepy shit about his former defense attorney’s daughter. A prison insider (SNITCH!) claims that O.J. has wallpapered his cell with pictures from Kim’s 2007 Playboy spread, reads every magazine article about her that he can get his hands on, and demands silence every time Kim’s airbrushed Droopy Dog face appears on the television. But wait! It gets creepier!

“O.J. said he always thought she was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession.”

Ew ew ew ew. Now is a good time to remind you that O.J. and his then-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson used to go on vacation with the Kardashian family all the time in the 80s and 90s, which means O.J. Simpson WAS that pervert friend of their dad (“Hey Kim, I bet you $20 you can’t touch your elbows behind your back!”). The source also goes on to say that O.J. thinks he’s got a chance with Kim, because bitch has a type:

Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush, who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.

And according to the source, it doesn’t matter that Kim is kurrently married to Kanye West; O.J. is eligible for parole in 2017 and he’s already fixin’ on becoming Husband #7 if he’s let out (I think it’s safe to assume that Kim will have been married another 4 times between now and 2017).

“As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her, so Kanye can have her for now. But when I get out she’s mine.”

Damn, even Marky Mark in Fear is like “Take it easy Juice, you’re coming off a little crazy.” But the thing that’s making me crawl into the fetal position is that Pimp Mama Kris is probably back at Kastle Kardashian weighing out the pros and cons as we speak. “Pro: Publicity. Con: It’s O.J. Simpson. Pro: Attention. Con: Still O.J. Simpson. Hmmm…this is a tough one.”

And here’s the rotten road apple of O.J. Simpson’s eye in the Hamptons having lunch with Khloe Kardashian (who almost flashed us her Wookiee pouch) and the come-to-life Salacious B. Crumb Jonathan Cheban.

Pics: Splash

Justin Bieber Got A Job Modelling Underwear For Calvin Klein

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Back in April, it was rumoured that pre-pubescent rat boy Justin Bieber had shot a bunch of Calvin Klein ads with Pimp Mama Kris’s backup-Kim Kendull Jenner, but nobody really paid it much thought, since those two attention-desperate teens are always taking pictures in their underwear. But it looks like the rumours were true. The Daily Mail says that Calvin Klein has gone ahead and spit on the legacy of Marky Mark and his funky bulge by hiring Jack Gleeson’s non-union Canadian equivalent to be the baby face of an upcoming campaign.

A Calvin Klein source (whatever the hell that is) told The Daily Mail that Justin Bieber has shot for Calvin Klein and that they “hope the results will be released later this year” and that Baby Bieber’s campaign will be used to launch CK’s new line of upscale potty training pants (needs verification).

Calvin Klein has a rich history of hiring jailbait-looking models for their underwear ads, so it makes sense that they’d hire eternal toddler Justin Bieber to pose in his pull-ups. But it does feel a little weird having Justin model underwear when I’m not entirely sure his balls have dropped yet. Or maybe they really ARE launching a line of CK Juniors? Regardless, Chris Hansen should probably keep his schedule free for “later this year”.

And maybe this explains why Justin Bieber was recently cruising around Disneyland in a wheelchair. I’m guessing he showed up for his modelling gig and went straight for the big boy boxers, only to discover that the pair of XXS men’s undies were still too big for his little baby body. But because he’s a stubborn toddler, he put them on and demanded they start the shoot. Unfortunately, they almost instantly fell down past his knees, causing him to trip and fall and twist his ankle. Calvin Klein didn’t want to get sued, so they shut the little brat up by sending him on an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland. Mystery solved!

Here’s more of Mahky Mahk Jr. in Beverly Hills earlier today. Oh my god, he can walk again! It’s a miracle!

Pic: Instagram, Splash

Rose McGowan Is Not Here For People Who Compare Her Face To Michael Jackson’s

July 16, 2014 / Posted by:

The second Rose McGowan sashayed down the red carpet at the MTV VMA’s in 1998 in a goth dental floss dress and a pair of stripper heels, she was instantly declared a national treasure by the U.S. government, the National Trust for Historic Preservation declared her tits and ass a heritage site, and the Smithsonian commissioned a portrait to hang in the National Portrait Gallery. Sadly, it appears that some high schools have elected to stop teaching the Exquisite Slutty Goddesses chapter in their American History textbooks, because a bunch of treasonous beauty haters came for Rose McGowan on Instagram yesterday.

UsWeekly says that shortly after Rose posted this picture of herself in Afghanistan, not one person asked what the hell she was posing behind (like, is it a drive-thru menu? I’m so confused) because they were too busy shading a bitch for looking like Michael Jackson and telling her to lay off the plastic surgery. Unlike some plastic-faced hookers (*cough* Kim Kardashian *cough*), Rose’s face is the result of a car crash in 2007 that left her face all sorts of mangled and requiring numerous corrective surgeries. And sure, while she’s at Dr. Rad Plastixxx’s Nip & Tuck, maybe she gets him to throw a couple extra collagen injections here and there. Regardless, Rose wasn’t having any of it, and she whooped a trick, Courtney Shayne-style, by responding:

“@katrinabunny coming from, ummm, you. Has anyone stopped to think that Michael Jackson used to be black, and tried to turn himself into a white, possibly Irish person with a cleft chin and a tiny nose? I was born Irish. So fuck off losers.”

Then she threw up a side-by-side picture of Jackson 5-era Michael and baby-dangling Michael with the caption: “Exactly. You dumb fucks. Eat it.” Cut to Michael Jackson in Heaven asking Liz Taylor: “Do you remember me saying anything about wanting to be Irish?”

Here’s Rose leaving an office in NY last week. I don’t really see much Wacko Jacko in Rose McGowan, but I do see a bit of La Toya Jackson, and that’s a high fucking compliment. I’d love to look like La Toya. We all would. Hell, even La Toya has been trying to look like La Toya for the past 30 years.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

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