Sorry, you’ll need to give me a moment. I need to brace myself for the mental image of Nosferatu’s drug-gobbling rock-hollering cousin Ozzy Osbourne giving it to someone so good that they go to People magazine and tell them about it. Michelle Pugh, the woman in the middle of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne’s temporary split, recently spoke to People magazine about her time as Ozzy’s side piece. Before today, all I really knew about Michelle Pugh was that she’s a celebrity hairstylist who was humping on Sharon’s husband. Now I know that Michelle was really into letting 67-year-old Ozzy (deep shudder) bite the head off her bat, so to speak.
Someone Is Trying To Sell A Sex Tape Starring Blac Chyna And Tyga, And She’s Not Happy About It (UPDATE)
There’s a chance Kim Kardashian will finally have someone to talk sex tapes with at the family Khristmas party this year, and that person is her brother’s fiance, Blac Chyna. According to TMZ, a sex tape allegedly starring Blac Chyna and her then-fiance Tyga is currently being shopped around. However, Kimmy probably shouldn’t count on the conversation turning to comparing the numbers on their residual checks, because Blac Chyna doesn’t want that tape to see the light of day. “You know honey, maybe this family isn’t the right fit for you” whispered Kris Jenner to her future daughter-in-law.
Blac Chyna’s lawyer tells TMZ that she’s willing to sue the hell out of whoever releases the tape. Her lawyer isn’t hitting print on a lawsuit just yet; TMZ says that the sex tape has been sent to several media outlets and porn companies, but no one has handed over any cash for it yet. One of the reasons may be that apparently you can’t really tell that it’s Blac Chyna and Tyga who are the ones doing the fucking. Okay, honestly? That sounds like a major selling point to me. TMZ claims that the only indication that it’s them is by their tattoos.
TMZ doesn’t say who is trying to sell a sex tape of Blac Chyna rubbing her plastic bits on Tyga’s business, but I have my suspicions. Let’s see, who does Blac Chyna know that is that hard up for cash? I guess you do what you gotta do to prevent the repo man from taking back any more of your cars. Don’t worry Tyga, I’m sure someone will help you out eventually. “Hey, if you’re not interested in the sex tape, I got an unopened DVD box set of the first six seasons of KUWTK and a half-used Kylie Lip Kit in Dolce that I’d be willing to let go for $40.”
UPDATE: Someone is apparently really desperate for cash. TMZ says that more than $200,000 in cash and jewelry was stolen from a safe in Blac Chyna’s home this weekend. Police suspect that it was someone close to Chyna, because there was no evidence of a break-in and there was no damage done to the safe. TMZ thinks that the thief/thieves could have been looking for a hard copy of the sex tape.
Here’s one-half of the stars of the might-exist sex tape (possible title: Sprayed in Chyna) looking like a broke years Mushmouth from Fat Albert while walking around New York yesterday.
Which is weird, because you’d think that admitting you’ve recently been within 10 feet of the physical manifestation of an egg salad fart is something you’d never, ever admit to. Then again, I shouldn’t be that surprised; when it comes to the Duggars, the shame bridge was covered in gasoline and lit on fire long ago.
Josh Duggar’s wife, Anna Duggar – seen above in happier times before everyone learned that her husband was the definition of gross – hasn’t really said much since her husband shuffled off to sex rehab in August. The only recent update we got about Josh and Anna was that he might have busted a conjugal visit fetus into her babymaker. Well, I guess Anna was getting tired of strangers approaching her on the street, grabbing her by the shoulders, and whispering “Honey, you need to look at your life“, because she released a statement on the Duggar family website (via People) yesterday about how she’s doing. She also casually mentioned her visit with Josh in sex rehab, but thankfully, she kept it nice and vague.
“Many have asked how I am doing. So many have asked that its actually humbling and touching. 2015 was the most difficult year of my life. Yet, amazingly I’ve found that in my own life crisis God has drawn near to me (“He’s near to the brokenhearted” Psalms 34:18) and my faith has been more precious to me than ever before. Just recently I visited Josh. It was an important step on a long difficult road. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and your messages of hope. I can never express how your kindness and prayers have brought encouragement when I needed it most—outpacing the grief and discouragement at every turn. I trust that God will continue to show His love and tenderness toward us and bring beauty from ashes—somehow—as only He can do. Please continue to pray for me, Josh and our children.”
Anna, you don’t have to ask for more prayers; I’m sure God is up to his ears in Duggar-related prayers. Sure, the majority of said prayers are people seeing the name “Josh Duggar” pop up in their news feed and praying that they’re not about to read more gross details about his life, but still. God has probably had to hire extra staff to handle all those incoming Duggar-related prayers.
Pic: Anna Duggar
If you watched any of CNN’s New Year’s Eve coverage, you would have learned two things: one, that CNN’s New Years Eve coverage is still a glorious mess, and two, that if Don Lemon is drunk enough, he’ll tell you what he thinks of Kathy Griffin’s over-inflated Pogo Bal boobies.
It all happened shortly after Kathy’s semi-annual tradition of whipping off her top and strutting around Times Square with Anderson Cooper. Normally this would be the sort of thing your brain would be kind enough to erase from your memory and promise to never speak of it again. But either Don Lemon was lit as fuck or he has a mouth like a a budget birthday party loot bag (ie: it’s filled with the kind of random shit that makes you go “Sure, I guess” when you dump it out), because he responded by telling her she had a “nice rack.” All the awkwardness happens at the 1:00 mark.
To put this into perspective for a younger generation who aren’t familiar with any of the above, if Kathy Griffin’s tits were a famous person’s Instagram, Don Lemon would be the first person commenting “QUEEN I love you, please come to Brazil.”
I think the most awkward part of that video isn’t that Don Lemon used the words “nice rack” like someone’s middle-aged uncle talking about Kate Upton, but that he turns into an obnoxious beer-chugging bead-wearing frat bro when he gets drunk. I honestly kept waiting for the camera to pan down and reveal that he was wearing a pair of salmon shorts and beat-up boat shoes, or catch him lifting a bottle of Jäger from behind the bar and begging Brooke Baldwin to let him do a shot off her stomach.
I’m sure there’s more than a few people who just shouted “…and if that horse doesn’t want it, I’ll take it!” at their computer screens.
So for those of you who have ever wondered if Michael Fassbender has a story about a horse that got a boner whenever he rode it, well – here you go. Michael Fassbender recently admitted during an appearance on The Graham Norton Show that he became all too familiar with horse dicks while filming Jane Eyre back in 2011. And no, it’s not because the walls of his trailer were covered in mirrors (that’s a joke about Michael Fassbender’s giant penis, in case I was being too subtle).
According to Michael Fassbender, Prince (his horsie co-star) used to get a horsie erection every time Michael Fassbender climbed on his back. So Prince’s handler, a guy named Dan, would switch places with Fassbender and trot him around until his boner went down. I guess that’s the horse version of picturing Tan Mom naked? But Michael doesn’t just talk about horse boners; he also does some horse boner charades and uses his arm to show what Prince’s penis did when Michael Fassbender mounted him. And that, my friends, is how a GIF is born. You can watch it all below.
I don’t know much about horse dicks (save for what I know about Trace Cyrus), but I doubt Prince was getting horny every time he got an accidental back massage courtesy of Michael Fassbender’s bulge. Horses aren’t dumb; I’m sure they’ve heard the stories about Michael Fassbender’s extra-beefy pants pony. Prince was probably just whipping his horse wang out for a friendly game of “Who’s bigger?“. I’m sure if Michael Fassbender spoke horse, he’d know that Prince’s neighs were his way of saying “Okay, but for real, don’t judge me too hard – it’s pretty cold out here.”
Brody Jenner recently did an interview with Mirror Online (via UsWeekly) and talked about sex, because Brody Jenner is a sexpert now. One of the things Brody talked about was how his younger half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, probably won’t be calling up their big brother and asking for sex advice any time soon. And it’s all thanks to growing up in the Kardashian Khompound.
“Do you seriously think they don’t know what’s up? They could teach me things! I mean, look at their older sisters. Are you kidding me?”
And if Kylie and Kendall are too busy to teach him about sex, he could always call up Scott Disick and to audit the non-stop fuckfest happening at his bachelor pad this weekend.
But really, what could an amateur sexpert like Brody teach them that they haven’t already learned from a pro like Kim Kardashian? Only in the Kima Sutra does it explain how to execute maneuvers like The Sleepy Kanye (when you slip your husband a sleeping pill so you can spend the night taking selfies), The Fame Maker (when you have sex with a famous singer’s barely-famous brother on camera), or The Non-Drowsy Kim (when someone fucks you so good that your face muscles move). Speaking of sex tapes, Brody also talked about if either of his little sisters decided to release a sex tape. Brody, STOP.
“I’d be supportive if that’s what they wanted to do. I’d congratulate them – especially if they did what I did and put an entire project together from beginning to end.”
The “project” Brody Jenner is referring to is a sex tape he made when he was 17 and destroyed shortly after. Once again, as if Brody needs to give Kendall and Kylie advice on releasing a sex tape. If they want to learn how to release a sex tape, they can sign up for their Kris Jenner’s 2-day seminar, How To Kash In Your Koochie With Kris, at Hell’s Learning Annex.
Here’s one of Brody’s little sisters (the fashion model one) getting frozen yogurt yesterday.