Which is weird, because you’d think that admitting you’ve recently been within 10 feet of the physical manifestation of an egg salad fart is something you’d never, ever admit to. Then again, I shouldn’t be that surprised; when it comes to the Duggars, the shame bridge was covered in gasoline and lit on fire long ago.
Josh Duggar’s wife, Anna Duggar – seen above in happier times before everyone learned that her husband was the definition of gross – hasn’t really said much since her husband shuffled off to sex rehab in August. The only recent update we got about Josh and Anna was that he might have busted a conjugal visit fetus into her babymaker. Well, I guess Anna was getting tired of strangers approaching her on the street, grabbing her by the shoulders, and whispering “Honey, you need to look at your life“, because she released a statement on the Duggar family website (via People) yesterday about how she’s doing. She also casually mentioned her visit with Josh in sex rehab, but thankfully, she kept it nice and vague.
“Many have asked how I am doing. So many have asked that its actually humbling and touching. 2015 was the most difficult year of my life. Yet, amazingly I’ve found that in my own life crisis God has drawn near to me (“He’s near to the brokenhearted” Psalms 34:18) and my faith has been more precious to me than ever before. Just recently I visited Josh. It was an important step on a long difficult road. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and your messages of hope. I can never express how your kindness and prayers have brought encouragement when I needed it most—outpacing the grief and discouragement at every turn. I trust that God will continue to show His love and tenderness toward us and bring beauty from ashes—somehow—as only He can do. Please continue to pray for me, Josh and our children.”
Anna, you don’t have to ask for more prayers; I’m sure God is up to his ears in Duggar-related prayers. Sure, the majority of said prayers are people seeing the name “Josh Duggar” pop up in their news feed and praying that they’re not about to read more gross details about his life, but still. God has probably had to hire extra staff to handle all those incoming Duggar-related prayers.
Pic: Anna Duggar
If you watched any of CNN’s New Year’s Eve coverage, you would have learned two things: one, that CNN’s New Years Eve coverage is still a glorious mess, and two, that if Don Lemon is drunk enough, he’ll tell you what he thinks of Kathy Griffin’s over-inflated Pogo Bal boobies.
It all happened shortly after Kathy’s semi-annual tradition of whipping off her top and strutting around Times Square with Anderson Cooper. Normally this would be the sort of thing your brain would be kind enough to erase from your memory and promise to never speak of it again. But either Don Lemon was lit as fuck or he has a mouth like a a budget birthday party loot bag (ie: it’s filled with the kind of random shit that makes you go “Sure, I guess” when you dump it out), because he responded by telling her she had a “nice rack.” All the awkwardness happens at the 1:00 mark.
To put this into perspective for a younger generation who aren’t familiar with any of the above, if Kathy Griffin’s tits were a famous person’s Instagram, Don Lemon would be the first person commenting “QUEEN I love you, please come to Brazil.”
I think the most awkward part of that video isn’t that Don Lemon used the words “nice rack” like someone’s middle-aged uncle talking about Kate Upton, but that he turns into an obnoxious beer-chugging bead-wearing frat bro when he gets drunk. I honestly kept waiting for the camera to pan down and reveal that he was wearing a pair of salmon shorts and beat-up boat shoes, or catch him lifting a bottle of Jäger from behind the bar and begging Brooke Baldwin to let him do a shot off her stomach.
I’m sure there’s more than a few people who just shouted “…and if that horse doesn’t want it, I’ll take it!” at their computer screens.
So for those of you who have ever wondered if Michael Fassbender has a story about a horse that got a boner whenever he rode it, well – here you go. Michael Fassbender recently admitted during an appearance on The Graham Norton Show that he became all too familiar with horse dicks while filming Jane Eyre back in 2011. And no, it’s not because the walls of his trailer were covered in mirrors (that’s a joke about Michael Fassbender’s giant penis, in case I was being too subtle).
According to Michael Fassbender, Prince (his horsie co-star) used to get a horsie erection every time Michael Fassbender climbed on his back. So Prince’s handler, a guy named Dan, would switch places with Fassbender and trot him around until his boner went down. I guess that’s the horse version of picturing Tan Mom naked? But Michael doesn’t just talk about horse boners; he also does some horse boner charades and uses his arm to show what Prince’s penis did when Michael Fassbender mounted him. And that, my friends, is how a GIF is born. You can watch it all below.
I don’t know much about horse dicks (save for what I know about Trace Cyrus), but I doubt Prince was getting horny every time he got an accidental back massage courtesy of Michael Fassbender’s bulge. Horses aren’t dumb; I’m sure they’ve heard the stories about Michael Fassbender’s extra-beefy pants pony. Prince was probably just whipping his horse wang out for a friendly game of “Who’s bigger?“. I’m sure if Michael Fassbender spoke horse, he’d know that Prince’s neighs were his way of saying “Okay, but for real, don’t judge me too hard – it’s pretty cold out here.”
Brody Jenner recently did an interview with Mirror Online (via UsWeekly) and talked about sex, because Brody Jenner is a sexpert now. One of the things Brody talked about was how his younger half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, probably won’t be calling up their big brother and asking for sex advice any time soon. And it’s all thanks to growing up in the Kardashian Khompound.
“Do you seriously think they don’t know what’s up? They could teach me things! I mean, look at their older sisters. Are you kidding me?”
And if Kylie and Kendall are too busy to teach him about sex, he could always call up Scott Disick and to audit the non-stop fuckfest happening at his bachelor pad this weekend.
But really, what could an amateur sexpert like Brody teach them that they haven’t already learned from a pro like Kim Kardashian? Only in the Kima Sutra does it explain how to execute maneuvers like The Sleepy Kanye (when you slip your husband a sleeping pill so you can spend the night taking selfies), The Fame Maker (when you have sex with a famous singer’s barely-famous brother on camera), or The Non-Drowsy Kim (when someone fucks you so good that your face muscles move). Speaking of sex tapes, Brody also talked about if either of his little sisters decided to release a sex tape. Brody, STOP.
“I’d be supportive if that’s what they wanted to do. I’d congratulate them – especially if they did what I did and put an entire project together from beginning to end.”
The “project” Brody Jenner is referring to is a sex tape he made when he was 17 and destroyed shortly after. Once again, as if Brody needs to give Kendall and Kylie advice on releasing a sex tape. If they want to learn how to release a sex tape, they can sign up for their Kris Jenner’s 2-day seminar, How To Kash In Your Koochie With Kris, at Hell’s Learning Annex.
Here’s one of Brody’s little sisters (the fashion model one) getting frozen yogurt yesterday.
Another round of hacked Sony emails were leaked on Thursday, and Radar says that one of them contained a whole lot of information about herpes, specifically how Sony is nervous as fuck about spreading that shit around. Sony is your high school sex-ed teacher. One of the documents that was leaked was a “Cold Sore Questionnaire“, seen partly above. If an actor wanted to get insurance for a Sony film shoot, they were required to fill out the CSQ and declare any and all cold sores, aka Herpes Simplex 1.
You can see a more up-close version of Sony’s CSQ here, but this is mostly what Sony needed to know: If the actor has a cold sore, how long it’s been there, how long they last, what triggers their cold sores, what medication they’re taking to kill that sucker, and what their role in the movie is. I’m shocked that those gossipy tricks at Sony didn’t also ask who they got it from.
Radar also says that included with the CSQ were some blind item-worthy bits of correspondence between Sony higher-ups regarding actors who refused to sign the CSQ. According to one email chain, Sony learned while prepping for the release of Aloha that one actor was taking Abbreva, which is not a prescription medication. The insurance company then told Sony they would have to update that actor’s CSQ by checking off the boxes saying they were taking medication. A “very well-known A-list actor” flat-out refused to fill out the CSQ, which left Sony and the insurance company freaking out. And an “Academy Award-winning actress in her late 50s” promised on her CSQ that she’d take medication to make sure she doesn’t get a mouth full of sores during shooting.
That is so much attention Sony is paying to cold cores. I wonder if they have one person who looks after it all, like a Head of Cold Sore Prevention or something. Hmmm…maybe that’s why Lindsay Lohan has trouble getting film work? No, of course not; Lindsay Lohan is probably the only human on the planet who has built up an immunity to the herpes virus. Even the strongest, most potent strain of herpes is no match for the toxic virus-destroying self-tanner residue running through her veins.
I don’t know if Pepto-Bismol works this way, but I just chugged an entire bottle hoping it might prevent some of the nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea I will definitely get from reading this awful shit about the Duggars. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Megyn Kelly’s second interview with the Duggars airs tonight, and this time she’s sitting down with two of Josh Duggars molestation victims, his sisters Jill and Jessa. If you were wondering whether the second interview is just as awful as the first, Megyn has pretty much confirmed that, yes, yes it is. Megyn spoke to Extra about her upcoming interview with Jill and Jessa, and she let us know what to expect this evening.
“They started off as your normal 22, 24-year-old girls, a little bubbly, kinda giggly, and then when we really get into it the tears started to flow… imagine how painful that would be… they never chose to have this piece of their family story put out there, and I think they are struggling with what people are assuming about their family and about what happened to them.”
When asked if she thinks Jill and Jessa have forgiven their brother for the shit he did, Megyn answered:
“I do, yeah I do. They told me that. They also talked about the journey from the pain to the forgiveness, and it was not without some bumps in the road.”
Ugh, why do I get the feeling that part of the interview began with Michelle Duggar pulling a cue-card out of her crunchy nest of hair, handing it to Jill and Jessa, and whispering “Now remember, you’ve forgiven Josh. I’ve written down your journey from pain to forgiveness right here if you so happen to forget.”
By the way, the Pepto didn’t work. Turns out it’s no match for the stomach-turning power of this mess.
Insert all your “Hide yo kids, hide yo…kids” jokes here. Because everything from the 90s is making a comeback (it’s really only a matter of time before those hip hop Looney Tunes t-shirts come back, I swear), Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student/current husband Vili Fualaau were interviewed for Barbara Walters’ upcoming show American Scandal last night. “I’m sorry, was I busy?” thought Chris Hansen. Mary Kay and Vili talked about being married for 10 years, their two daughters (who are now 16 and 17-years-old), and MKL’s two prison sentences.
After Mary Kay was released from prison in 2004, she was registered as a Level 2 sex offender. She also lost her teaching license. She’s also famous for hooking up with one of her underage students. But despite all this, Mary Kay still wants to be a teacher. Mary Kay is currently working as a legal assistant, and gives piano lessons and does tutoring. But she’s trying to get her name off that registry so she get back to teaching full-time.
You can watch the whole interview here, if you want to spend some time doing that.
Um, I’m no lawyer (I only have a very basic understanding of the legal system from watching Harvey Birdman), but even if she gets her name off that registry, I’m pretty sure we all know the story of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, right? Unless there’s some elementary school somewhere that’s run by a bunch of people who spent the years between 1997 and 2005 in a coma, her future employers are still going to know.
Not to mention that her resume will have a giant 6 year gap in the middle of it that she’d have to explain. “Oh, that? I was on a personal growth retreat. At a compound. Run by the government. Where I spent a lot of time in solitary…meditation. Yeah, that’s it.“
And now in “Things that will make you feel old as hell” news, Britney Spears’ kids are now old enough to do difficult math. And like real difficult, not how-much-will-three-gorditas-and-a-drink-from-Taco Bell-be difficult (which is my current standard for “hard math”). Brit Brit recently confessed to People that Sean Preston and Jayden James have moved past the two plus two stage of their book learnin’, which means she’s having a hard time helping them with their homework. So in order to keep up, she’s taking some math lessons:
“They go to a really hard school, and this week we had three hours of homework [a night]. Some of it is hard for me. Next year when [Preston’s] in fifth grade, he’s going to be doing pre-algebra, and I’m taking classes so I know how to do it!”
Brit Brit gets zero shade from me, because my dumb ass couldn’t even remember which one algebra was. I through algebra was the “If a train is headed west at a speed of 80 miles per hour” one, but it turns out it’s the X over Y equals Z one. Even with two tutors and a set of Math is Easy! VHS tapes, I still failed algebra. It was such a mind fuck: why do I need to solve for X if you already know what X is? Just tell me what X is, you sadistic bastards! My brain still hurts just thinking about it.
Not to mention that you never use that shit in the real world. I’m happy that Brit Brit is trying to be a good parent, but I doubt she’ll ever use the algebra she learned to solve how many Fraps she drank last month. I mean, you don’t need math to know that the answer will always be “lots”.
When it was announced back in June that former child star and current Adam’s crazy hipster sister on Girls Gaby Hoffmann was knocked up with a tiny kombucha-scented vegan cronut, I knew right away that we were but months away from some potential hipster-sounding birth story foolery. Sadly, when she did finally give birth to a baby girl on November 19th, there didn’t seem to be any. No hand-carved reclaimed barn wood birthing pools filled with organic rainwater. No small-batch epidurals made from steeped sage leaves and raw honey. Even the baby’s name – Rosemary – was pretty normal.
However, she didn’t totally let me down. During the Girls Season 4 premiere on Monday, Gaby disclosed her post-baby secret to People, and just like January Jones before her, that secret is eating her placenta:
“Placenta, placenta, placenta. Just eat that shit up, and it does a girl good! I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that shit up.”
I wish I was half as enthusiastic about anything as Gaby Hoffmann is about eating her placenta. I picture her in a little party hat throwing herself a placenta fiesta every morning as she dances into the kitchen and throws on the Vitamix.
I feel like I’m in no place to throw any kind of shade at Gaby for eating her birth extras, because I’ve put worse shit in my mouth. And when I say shit, I mean, literal garbage. One time I made a sandwich that was just Doritos between two slices of white bread. “One time? LOL, that’s cute” just hissed my stomach. I’ve also been known to replace milk with melted ice cream in my cereal. I’m literally at the point in my life where eating my placenta would be considered a positive lifestyle change.
What better way to celebrate the night Santa pushes a 200lb bag of presents down your tiny-ass chimney than by talking about miniature dollhouse human Hayden Panettiere pushing her giant fiance Wladimir Klitschko’s baby out of her small person parts. Merry Christmas! It’s time to talk about wrecked pussies! During an interview with People about her new baby Kaya, 5-feet-tall Hayden confessed that she’s still getting used to her body ever since it pushed out a 7lb, 14oz 20-inch-long baby almost two weeks ago:
“I’m limping around. I’m still trying to figure out what [pregnancy] has done to my body, how it’s changed it. What’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs, you know — please tell me this is temporary! But I know some things will never be the same again.”
You’d think that fucking a giant would have prepared her for pushing out a burrito-sized child from her down-lows, but I guess nothing really prepares your pussy for that. All I know is that the only time I’ve ever come close to ripping apart my lady parts was the time I accidentally used an extra super absorbancy tampon from one of those machines at the mall and it literally felt like I was shoving a rolled-up beach towel up there. That was 6 years ago, and my googe still hasn’t forgiven me. It brings it up all the time. So to say that I’m terrified of the idea of giving birth is an understatement. I was a 10lb baby! And just like that, my vagina hissed “oh, fuck that” and bought a one-way ticket to Tijuana.
And what does it mean if you feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs and you haven’t given birth to a giant baby? Is that something I should be asking my doctor about? Eh, it’s probably fine.
Pic: Wladimir Klitschko