Category: I Don’t Understand What I’m Looking At

And Here’s Taylor Swift Dancing With Her Current Best Friend Beyonce At A Justin Timberlake Concert Last Night

December 15, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you can’t tell from this crystal-clear picture, the one on the right in the Lady from Lady and the Tramp wig is Beyonce.

On Saturday, we found out that the newest members of Taylor Swift’s Homecoming Court included her majesty Beyonce, her husband, the HAIM girls, and Justin Timberlake, and on Sunday it looks like they all decided to celebrate their induction into Tay Tay’s current super-famous friends club by going to watch Justin Timberlake bust out some high-pitched dog whistle yodels at the Barclays Center. And not surprisingly, there’s footage of Taylor getting her awkward-suburban-white-girl-at-her-best-friend’s-Sweet 16 on. When Tay Tay hears music, Tay Tay gotta dance! And Beyonce did her good deed of the year by joining in instead of throwing Taylor a “Oh girl, no” face.

The video is after the cut:

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Lorde Performed In A Box And Moshed Around The Stage At The AMAs Last Night Because It’s Lorde

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the American Music Awards are sort of like a high school talent show (“You mean they aren’t?” hissed the Grammys), it seemed fitting that the moody pseudo-goth teenage girl trapped in the body of a moody pseudo-goth teenage girl known as Lorde would perform the song she wrote for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 “Yellow Flicker Beat”. But unlike her BFF Taylor Swift, who chose to serve up some theater kid with rich parents realness, Lorde pulled a no fucks given cool art room girl and was just like “Whatever, just put a bunch of empty boxes on stage and I’ll flail around like I’ve been possessed by the ghost of Shannon Hoon.

I was hoping Lorde would pull out all the angsty vampire teen stops during her performance, and I wasn’t disappointed. Lorde opened “Yellow Flicker Beat” sneering inside a white glowing cube, which I guess symbolizes isolation or alienation or something equally deep for an 18-year-old. Then she left the cube and awkwardly moshed around a bunch of living mannequins like she was trying to scratch an itch without using her hands, and wrapped it all up by smearing her lipstick across her face. Wow. Such deep. Very fuck society.

But even weirder than Lorde’s AMA performance is finding out that Lorde apparently loves porn star James Deen:

lordetwitter

Adored Wells Tower’s GQ profile” – what a coincidence, that’s totally why I love James Deen too! Just kidding, it’s because of his penis.

What In The Name Of Down Under Wedding Day Foreplay Is Going On Here?

November 6, 2014 / Posted by:

The Ghost of Lady Cassandra Future Nicole Kidman and her gorgeous middle-aged soccer mom-looking husband Keith Urban went to the CMAs last night, and for some reason this happened. No, I don’t know the circumstances surrounding Nicole trying to mount Keith from the back like a horny fawn-colored greyhound, and quite frankly – I don’t want to know. Instead, let’s assume she’s not actually trying to hump on her husband, but hiding behind him from the ghost of the haunted antique doll she stole that dress off of. Haunted attic-dwelling dolls don’t like it when you jack their shit, Nicole!

I know she’s going for some Little House on the Prairie Rachel Brown getting married shit, but it ends up looking more like stand-offish Oscar-winning Hollywood actress wearing a $2,000 nightgown. It’s like when I put on a blazer; I think I’m all business bitch chic, but everyone around me is like “Bitch you look like Cathy, yes from the comic strip“. Same goes for Nicole; I mean, lord love her, she’s trying, and it could always be worse; at least she’s not wearing a busted straw cowboy hat, right?

Unfortunately, Nicole didn’t get the memo that nobody else was doing county curtain couture this year. It was all head-to-toe David’s Bridal: Longer! Shinier! More Satin-y! Where’s the rhinestone-studded belt buckle worn as a choker? Where’s all the bedazzled crotch cut-offs? Come on guys, I thought you were country! Here’s more of Nicole and everyone else at the CMAs, including the usual, like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, a knocked-up Carried Underwood, and my personal lord and savior Tami Taylor (HEY Y’ALL!):

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

YAAASSS! Iggy Azalea Dressed Up As Brittany Wilson From White Chicks For Halloween

November 1, 2014 / Posted by:

We’ve all been there: 7pm on Halloween night, and no costume. Usually the easiest thing is to work with what you’ve got. For instance, I’m covered in Dorito crumbs 90% of the time, so the most obvious choice for me is to pull my arms halfway into my shirt and go as a post-bong rip Matthew McConaughey. For Iggy Azalea, it’s even easier: if you look like White Chicks 364 days of the year, you might as well dress up as White Chicks for Halloween. And she did!

Iggy posted this picture of her and a friend dressed up as Shawn and Marlon Wayans dressed up as Brittany and Tiffany Wilson to Instagram last night, and everything about it is giving me both life and a major case the heebie jeebies. Iggy and her friend’s busted White Chicks wigs are ON POINT. And don’t even get me started on that makeup – it’s absolutely perfect. It reminds me of when all the girls in my grade 7 class discovered CoverGirl Ultimate Finish liquid powder foundation and they caked that shit on so thick, you couldn’t see skin anymore. Just two beady eyes staring back at you like “I…AM..GORJUSSSS!

The only thing that is giving me the creeps is what that makeup is doing to Iggy’s face. Why Lord WHY does she look like a cross between Alice the Goon and current-day Haley Joel Osment? It doesn’t make any sense! When Iggy is dressed like Iggy, she looks like she’s cosplaying White Chicks, but then when she actually dresses up as White Chicks on purpose, she looks like a Canal St. knock-off? So confusing.

Here’s more of Iggy looking like a come-to-life Hot Looks doll, as well as a bunch of other famous types celebrating Halloween last night:

Pics: Instagram, Splash

So You Think You Can Goop

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!

And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.

I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?

Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!

What In Creepy 1970s Algebra Professor Hell Is Going On Here?

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Jesus take the wheel. Take the everything! This is definitely one of those ‘One set of footprints on the beach’ moments where Jesus needs to pick his ass up and start searching his pockets for PCP, because Snoop Dogg has clearly cut his good shit with the kind of bad shit that makes terrifying nightmares come to life.

Apropos of nothing, Snoop posted a bunch of pictures to Instagram of himself dressed up as his white alter-ego Snoop Todd. Snoop didn’t explain why he was dressed up like Walter White fucked a bag of flour and a Diane Sawyer wig, and quite frankly, the less I know, the better. Snoop Todd looks like the type of guy who is required by law to introduce himself to everyone on the street when he moves into a new neighborhood. Snoop Todd looks like a sex offender with scurvy. Snoop Todd would also sort of look like my high school librarian if you shaved off the facial hair (save for a couple under the chin) and dangled a delicate gold cross from Costco out of the top of that turtleneck.

I don’t know if people will react to Snoop Dogg in whiteface like they reacted to Nick Cannon in whiteface, but can whatever Snoop is doing really be considered whiteface? It’s more like Elmer’s wood filler face. Or expired foundation from Dollar Tree face. Regardless of what it is, Jackie Rogers Jr. isn’t here for Snoop trying to jack his look:

Jackie.Rogers.Jr

Here’s more of Snoop Dogg Snoop Lion Snoop Todd serving up FACE! WIG! NIGHTMARES!, because clearly there’s not enough disturbing shit on the Internet.

(via Uproxx)

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