Lorde was supposed to perform her latest despondent art school teen song, “Homemade Dynamite,” at the MTV VMAs last night. Unfortunately, Lorde came down with the flu before showtime. Lorde must be her own pushy stage mom, because flu be damned, Lorde still went out there and put on a show!
One of my favorite scenes from American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson (or as I like to call it, Are You There Juice? It’s Me Bobby) was of Cuba Gooding Jr. as O.J. Simpson getting his partying on to “Everybody Dance Now” in a club with Ross Gellar. I know some people haven’t exactly been feeling Cuba’s acting in ACS. But I can’t say I’m one of them; he totally had me believing that his character was having a great time in that club.
As it turns out, that might have been a bit of method acting on Cuba’s part. Today TMZ released a video of him turnt up at LIV in Miami. Cuba used to strike me as the type who would sit silently in the corner of a club, staring intensely at the DJ while sipping his drink. But not anymore. After a couple dozen drinks (I’m assuming), Cuba whipped off his shirt and decided to wear it like a wig before busting out some topless dance moves for the crowd. Somebody should cover the Snow Dogs‘ eyes. Cuba wouldn’t want them to see this.
That pretend hair on Cuba’s head is beyond busted, and yet it isn’t nearly as bad as the curly wig they made Sarah Paulson wear as Marcia Clark.
The Daily Mail also found some footage of Cuba Goodtime Jr. rippin’ and tearin’ inside LIV, including an Instagram video of him pushing a dude’s face into his crotch and this one of him getting straight-up shut-down by a woman.
Today’s “Not All Heroes Wear Capes” award goes to the person who shot that video. I’m sure he moved faster than a speeding bullet after witnessing the exact moment Cuba Gooding Jr. realized he got caught and decided he’s going to murder their phone.
Before we get into the Mother’s Day, the latest holiday-themed movie by Garry Marshall starring a fuckload of famous people, we need to talk about that thing on Julia Roberts’ head. From what I gathered while watching the trailer for Mother’s Day (which doesn’t come out on Mother’s Day), Julia Roberts plays some kind of power bitch book author named Miranda Collins. We don’t know her backstory, but it looks like “Miranda Collins” (real name: Darlean McKringle) shops exclusively in the Jessica Simpson section of Macy’s and sold her first book by claiming she’s Jackie Collins’ long-lost cousin.
Julia is only in the trailer for about six seconds, but it’s long enough to find out she’s probably the birth mother of sad yoga girl (played by Britt Robertson), because – as Miranda tells Jennifer Aniston – she was too busy with her career instead. Um, DUH. You don’t have time for kids when you’ve got such an exquisite head of hair to look after. Styling your hair into a perfectly smooth penis-shaped bob takes time, Jennifer.
As you can see, everyone is in this. Jenny, Julie, Jason Sudeikis, Kate Hudson (I bet the reason she’s so flustered at the 1:13 mark is because her parents walked in on her taking a pussy selfie for Nick Jonas) and Timothy Olyphant.
Out of all the stories in the trailer, it doesn’t seem like there’s one that truly represents the real experience of Mother’s Day. I’m of course referring to that moment of terror when you realize you forgot to make brunch reservations and realize you’ll have to have brunch in your house. “Happy Mother’s Day! Feel free to help yourself to a mimosa. Why yes, that is leftover white wine and orange juice I bought from Starbucks. Breakfast will be served just as soon as I open this Luna Bar.”
Don’t worry, that giant hair clog you fished out of the shower drain didn’t come to life; it’s actually Miley Cyrus just looking like one while performing on Saturday Night Live last night. Everybody’s favorite hollerin’ high-billy was the host of the 41st season premiere of SNL and – this will be shocking to absolutely no one – Miley went full Miley. Sorry, that’s not technically true; she didn’t “accidentally” flash her nipples or rub her pickled pork rinds against the Weekend Update desk. But she did look a mess and brag about smoking ~so much~ weed like your badass 14 year old cousin, so that’s just about full Miley to me.
In case you missed it (“I wouldn’t say I missed it” said everyone), the Moonshine Princess sang two songs off her Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz album, the first of which she performed while dressed in some home-made “Cousin Itt at Burning Man” couture. You can watch that here, but I will warn you: you will feel very itchy.
Damn, Aidy Bryant does a better Kim Davis than Kim Davis. Speaking of, I’m sure that delusional bitch has already sent out a blast mail from her GeoCities account to all her friends letting them know that she was totally invited to SNL last night.
Of course, it wasn’t all Miley (despite her best efforts); SNL also came for Taylor Swift’s chronic friend collecting. Well, there goes Mango’s chance of ever being please welcome to the stage‘d by Tay Tay. Lorne Michaels, how could you? You know he would have loved that.
In case your eyes haven’t seen enough of Miley looking like drugs farted on high-fructose corn syrup, here’s Miley wearing the contents of my favorite sticker book from third grade at the SNL afterparty:
That’s weird – you’d think people who have listened to Nickelback would be glad that they don’t sound like Nickelback anymore. On Wednesday, growly Canadian beer commercial band Nickelback released the video for their latest single “She Keeps Me Up”, and it’s a damn mess (and that says a lot, since a damn mess is the most accurate way to describe anything human wallet chain Chad Kroeger does).
“She Keeps Me Up” is from Nickelback’s eighth studio album No Fixed Address, and I don’t know if albums have themes, but if “She Keeps Me Up” is any indication, then I’m guessing the theme of No Fixed Address is either poor man’s Maroon 5 or lazy Train. It’s like Jessica Simpson’s A Public Affair had a backseat baby with a low-budget Rihanna impersonator, an electric guitar, and Dewey Cox’s version of Starman – which is probably the nicest thing I could say about “She Keeps Me Up”, to be honest. Unfortunately, the response from die-hard Nickelback fans hasn’t been so kind; Gawker has compiled some of the fan reactions on YouTube, and it’s pretty much the internet comment equivalent of stomping up to your room and slamming your door.
For the most part, they’re crying that this is Nickelback’s way of selling out and that they’re not “rock” anymore. Um, hello, were they ever considered “rock”? It was my understanding that the National Registry of Music Classifications (if that’s even a thing that exists) created a new genre specifically for them called Melodic Douche Grunts or Truck Tunes.
But really, they’re just being dramatic; it could always be much, much worse. Instead of She Keeps Me Up by Nickelback it could have been She Keeps Me Up by Nickelback ft. Avril Lavigne.
Cinderella’s face is like “I sure hope my internal digestive organs are somewhere back there, because they sure as hell aren’t located in my stomach area anymore.” When the trailer for Disney’s latest live-action cash grab Cinderella was released earlier this week, some people couldn’t help but notice that it looked like Jaq and Gus-Gus went to work on Cinderelly’s waist with the liquefy tool in Photoshop. It was very very tiny. Even cartoon Sleeping Beauty was like “Oh shit girl, what is that, 7 inches?”
Since everything is a lie and nothing is the truth anymore, BuzzFeed contacted the actress who plays Cinderella, Lily James, and asked her point-blank just how many pixels Disney deleted from her stomach area. Her agent got back to them and said that Lily’s waist wasn’t touched by a computer and her waist looks that way because she’s wrapped up in a corset.
I have no idea if that’s a real waist or a fake waist, but I will say this: that picture is making me uncomfortable for a whole different reason. All that satin and tulle is giving me some hard-core flashbacks to my figure skating years, and let me tell you, satin is NO ONE’S FRIEND, especially when it comes to figure skating costumes. The only costume I ever felt truly comfortable in was this felt hippo number with padding all around the gut and the ass. And no, it wasn’t for a routine set to “Baby Got Back” (I wish. Although I did once skate to “Achy Breaky Heart”, but that’s a story for another day).
Here’s Lily James in real life working a real-life looking waist at the Cinderella premiere at the Berlin Film Festival today with Cate Blanchett, Richard Madden, and Helena Bonham Carter, so you can be the judge as to whether or not Disney went all Beyonce on her middle: