Category: I Don’t Think You Thought This Through

Azealia Banks Won’t Be Charged For One Of The Times She Beat On A Club Bouncer

February 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Back in October, part-time rapper/ full-time poster child for crazy Azealia Banks got into it with a bouncer at a nightclub in Los Angeles. I have no idea why Azealia went full-Azealia that night. Maybe he triggered the Oh Hell No switch in her brain by telling her he really liked her song “Fancy.” Regardless, Azealia and the bouncer started fighting and it was all caught on camera.

Usually the words “caught on camera” means you better start practicing how to walk into jail with a handful cigarettes tucked between your butt cheeks, but Azealia doesn’t have to do any of that. TMZ says that Azealia Banks won’t do any time for allegedly beating on a club bouncer, because the L.A. City Attorney has thrown the case out. Even though footage of their fight was caught on a security camera, law enforcement can’t tell who started it. And since the bouncer didn’t have any injuries, it’s sort of a draw.

That’s not to say that Azealia’s bouncer-whooping days are behind her. Back in December, Azealia got into a fight with the bouncers at a club in NYC that ended with Azealia biting one of the bouncer’s boobies. That shit hasn’t gone to court yet.

But as one crazy door closes, another one opens. Earlier today, she hopped on Twitter, set her internal thought filter to bonkers, and started typing up a shade-laced endorsement of aspiring Presidential candidate/confirmed turd Donald Trump. Azealia truly covered all the bases of why Trump should be the 45th President of the United States: he’s evil, he’s a piece of shit, he’s not a THOT like the other candidates – you know, all the qualities the founding fathers wanted in a leader.

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Today In Not-Great Decisions: Nicki Minaj Performed For A Dictator

December 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Thanks to a little thing called The Internet, finding out if you’re about to perform for a dictator-type has never been easier. For example, you could throw their name into a search engine with the words “is maybe a dictator?” and see what comes up. Or you could use email and see if you receive any concerned emails from human rights groups with the subject line: “So I heard you’re about to perform for a dictator…“. Or, if you’re Nicki Minaj, you say “Fuck it” and perform for the dictator anyway.

The Daily Mail says that the possessed Crank Yankers puppet joined Mariah Carey’s Make That Angolan Dictator Money Club yesterday by performing at a Christmas party hosted by Unitel, a company part-owned by Angolan dictator-type José Eduardo dos Santos. Although really, even if the Daily Mail wasn’t saying shit about it, we’d still know she did it, thanks to the whole mess of pictures she threw up on Instagram before and after the show. Like the one of her wrapped in the Angolan flag (see above), or posing with José Eduardo dos Santos’ daughter and richest woman in Africa, Isabel dos Santos.

But maybe Nicki didn’t know she was performing for shady people? Well….I don’t know. According to the Daily Mail, human rights groups side-eyed her decision to do so and claimed that her performance was “an endorsement” of President dos Santos’ authoritarian rule. But they don’t say whether they told her before hand or not? Today I learned: human rights groups are totally that friend of yours who don’t warn you that the dude you’re about to bone will leave you with a rash on your business until after you ask them to come with you to pick up a tube of coochie cream.

Speaking of money, the Daily Mail says Nicki went home with a check for $2 million. When Mimi performed for the dos Santos family, she only got $1 million. And there’s your proof that the dos Santos family is dark-sided and corrupt; paying Nicki Minaj $2 million, but stiffing a glittering cotton candy goddess like Mariah Carey with a paltry $1 million? EVIL!

Here’s a couple pics of Nicki arriving in Luanda, Angola yesterday (courtesy of Nicki herself), as well as her wearing what appears to be the funeral-appropriate version of Brit Brit’s Toxic bodysuit.

Pics: Instagram

Now For Some Thoughts On Why Women Shouldn’t Be Pilots, Courtesy Of Shirley Bassey

November 21, 2015 / Posted by:

I sure hope the pilot flying that plane up there doesn’t have a pussy!” is what I imagine Shirley Bassey is thinking in the picture above.

Well here’s a whole hell of a lot of random for you. During a recent interview with the Daily Mail, Dame Shirley Bassey (the voice behind a bunch of James Bond theme songs, like the International Gold Digger’s Club anthem, “Diamonds Are Forever“) decided to give a little impromptu TED Talk on gender equality. And basically, here’s what you need to know: Shirley Bassey isn’t having it.

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Sherri Shepherd Made A Joke About Giving Away One Of Her Kids On “The View”

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Usually when you’ve just gone through a messy public paternity battle with your shady ex-husband over a surrogate baby that you were trying really really hard to get rid of, typically the last thing you’d want to do is make a joke about getting rid of one of your kids on television. However, thinking hasn’t always been Sherri Shepherd’s strongest skill, and when she appeared on The View yesterday, she burped out a joke that made everyone sort of stare at the floor and think “Well, this is awkward.

During the round-table cluck fest that is the Hot Topics segment, Raven-Symoné admitted that she really wants a baby in her life. Sherri, who was back as a guest host because…I have no idea why, responded by saying “Girl, I got one or two you can have of mine.” That sound you just heard was Lamar Sally gleefully whipping out his calculator and trying to figure out just how much child support money he’d make off Raven’s Cosby Show residual checks.

Of course, Sherri realized what she did and started to back-pedal on her joke by blabbering something about how women with kids are always offering up their kids to those without. Meanwhile, Baby Lamar Sally Jr. is already rolling down the street on one of Sherri’s sturdiest wigs glued to a set of roller skates like “Jokes or not, I’m going to live with That’s So Raven.

DC Is Trying To Stop Rihanna From Trademarking Her Real Name (Robyn) Because It’s Too Close To Robin

May 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Normally stories about legal stuff like trademarks and copyrights will cause my brain to pack up a sandwich to go and run for the nearest exit (for real, I’m helpless without those Law & Order DUN DUNs). But this time it stuck around because I do love a good “And this is a lawsuit because?” story. Page Six says that DC Entertainment – the people who own the rights to Batman and Superman and such – are lawyering up because they just found out that Rihanna wants to trademark her real name, Robyn. And they’re pissed, because they think Robyn is too damn close to the name of Batman’s sidekick Robin. I know; go ahead and insert all your Rihanna “Sure, bitch” GIFs here.

Princess Ooh Na Na tried to register the name “Robyn” back in June of 2014 and was hoping to use it to launch an online magazine. But it wasn’t until last week that DC filed a formal complaint with the US Patent and Trademark office (I guess DC was too busy being hypnotized by the sexy fuck-me eyes of Aquaman to realize what she had done). DC claims that Robyn is “virtually identical” to Robin and that “consumers are likely to be deceived” by an online magazine called Robyn.

They also add that Robin has a good reputation as Batman’s sidekick and that Rihanna’s registration “is likely to cause dilution by blurring and tarnishing the famous opposer’s mark.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure Batman & Robin already took care of that.

Lawyers for both RiRi and DC have yet to comment on this mess.

DC clearly doesn’t know their audience if they think Batman fanboys would ever misspell “Robin” as “Robyn“. Are you serious, DC? That’s like a die-hard Star Wars nerd typing “semi-nude pics Jon Solo” into the internet. As if I would ever. I mean…uh…not me. Someone else who is looking for half-naked pictures of a young Harrison Ford.

Here’s RiRi sneaking out of a NYC hotel early this morning after getting her hair done. Hmmm…creeping around at night, trying to hide her identity; maybe she IS Batman’s sidekick?

Pics: Splash

Gwen Stefani Doesn’t Regret The Harajuku Girls

December 9, 2014 / Posted by:

BRB – just need to go barf my face off after looking at those hideous shoes. Which ones? ALL OF THEM. Yes, even Gwen Stefani’s; those toe-less tights are giving me major potential shrimp cocktail vibes, and it’s making my stomach feel things.

During a recent interview about her upcoming album, TIME asked Gwen Stefani to go back in time (see what I did there? I know, it was terrible) to 2004 to talk about that time she hired four Japanese girls named Love, Angel, Music, and Baby to silently follow her around in pseudo-geisha makeup and just generally look – to quote Katy Perry – “Japanesy”. At the time, some people thought her culture-humping might be in poor taste, like Margaret Cho, who told us how she REALLY felt by calling Gwen’s Harajuku Girls a “minstrel show“. TIME asked Gwen if she ever regrets the whole Harajuku Girls thing, to which Gwen replied with a strong “NO”, followed by a whole mess of words that basically she wasn’t cultural appropriating, she was cultural appreciating, so the haters can frig off:

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