Last month, Chris Brown broke the Parental Hierarchy of Pet Giving by buying his 3-year-old daughter Royalty a monkey. After the internet called him a dumbass for giving a child a pet monkey, he swore the animal – named Fiji – was his. The city of Los Angeles had a real problem with Chris’ monkey ownership. They’re pissed because Chris didn’t have a permit for little Fiji.
TMZ says that the California Department of Fish and Wildlife opened an investigation after getting several tips. Chris voluntarily surrendered Fiji to authorities before they could come raid his house. Having an exotic pet sans permit is a major no-no, and so Chris could be slapped with a misdemeanor charge of owning a restricted species without a permit. Fiji’s file has been turned over to the Los Angeles City Attorney. If Chris is found guilty, he could face up to six months in jail.
TMZ spoke to Chris’ lawyer Mark Geragos, who brushed it all off by calling the situation “absurd,” and implied the City Attorney has better, less petty things to spend taxpayer money on. Mark doesn’t seem to understand that this situation might be the universe’s sneaky way of forcing Chris Brown to take real, actual responsibility for his shitty actions. Monkeys are super smart, and some know sign language. I hope Fiji takes the stand and signs, “Living with Chris Brown was like suffering for 10 monkey lifetimes. Throw the book at him!”
The fourth season finale of HBO’s Silicon Valley aired last night, and with it came the final appearance of mess fest T.J. Miller. Last month it was announced that T.J. and producers had “mutually agreed” that the fourth season would be his last. T.J. talked to The Hollywood Reporter about leaving the show, and he might have helped solve a blind item by going full-smug asshole during the interview.
Johnny Depp has made it no secret that he likes Donald Trump about as much as personal grooming and selling his fancy rich people things. Johnny made fun of Trump in a 50-minute parody of The Art Of The Deal for Funny or Die last year, and again on Ellen. He came for Trump again last night, and this time, it may have caused the Secret Service to open up a file on him (if they haven’t already).
I don’t know what Jennifer Hudson did to her agent to make the words “Jennifer Hudson to star in Adam Sandler’s next Netflix movie” happen. Maybe she forgot her agent’s birthday. Maybe her agent asked her to hold the elevator and she hit the “door close” button instead. Or maybe her agent wasn’t exactly feeling that time Jennifer shat on the last job she got after she was denied a Tony nomination. Whatever the reason, here’s where it led us: Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Hudson has agreed to star in Adam Sandler’s latest made-for-Netflix movie.
The Hollywood Reporter has all the details about JHud’s next role. She’ll be playing a singer named Courtney Clarke in Adam Sandler’s Sandy Wexler, a movie set in the 90s about a Los Angeles talent manager named Sandy Wexler. Sandy Wexler begins shooting in two weeks, and will be released on Netflix sometime in 2017.
Obviously an Adam Sandler direct-to-Netflix movie won’t exactly be the shiniest jewel on Jennifer Hudson’s IMDB page, but she still gets paid for it, so who cares. And who knows? Maybe this Adam Sandler movie won’t be as bad as The Ridiculous 6. Or The Do-Over. What’s that they say about third time’s the charm?
The only other thing known about the Jennifer Hudson’s role in Sandy Wexler is that she plays Adam Sandler’s love interest, and that he falls in love with her at an amusement park. That’s a story I think we can all relate to. I mean, who of us hasn’t experienced the bliss of falling in love with a singer while trying not to throw up corn dogs on the zipper as a remix of Ace of Base’s “Beautiful Life” blares at full-volume into your ear? Tale as old as time.
“Really? Me? As a Persian man? We think this is a good idea?” is what it looks like Leonardo DiCaprio is thinking in that picture above.
Because Hollywood clearly hasn’t learned anything from that time they cast Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily , or Rooney Mara as Mary Magdalene, or Joaquin Phoenix as Jesus, or Emma Stone was cast as Allison Ng, or Tilda Swinton as The Ancient One, Leonardo DiCaprio is being considered to play Persian poet Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi (or simply Rumi) in an upcoming biopic. Yes, that Leonardo DiCaprio. The one you’re looking at above.
Back in October, part-time rapper/ full-time poster child for crazy Azealia Banks got into it with a bouncer at a nightclub in Los Angeles. I have no idea why Azealia went full-Azealia that night. Maybe he triggered the Oh Hell No switch in her brain by telling her he really liked her song “Fancy.” Regardless, Azealia and the bouncer started fighting and it was all caught on camera.
Usually the words “caught on camera” means you better start practicing how to walk into jail with a handful cigarettes tucked between your butt cheeks, but Azealia doesn’t have to do any of that. TMZ says that Azealia Banks won’t do any time for allegedly beating on a club bouncer, because the L.A. City Attorney has thrown the case out. Even though footage of their fight was caught on a security camera, law enforcement can’t tell who started it. And since the bouncer didn’t have any injuries, it’s sort of a draw.
That’s not to say that Azealia’s bouncer-whooping days are behind her. Back in December, Azealia got into a fight with the bouncers at a club in NYC that ended with Azealia biting one of the bouncer’s boobies. That shit hasn’t gone to court yet.
But as one crazy door closes, another one opens. Earlier today, she hopped on Twitter, set her internal thought filter to bonkers, and started typing up a shade-laced endorsement of aspiring Presidential candidate/confirmed turd Donald Trump. Azealia truly covered all the bases of why Trump should be the 45th President of the United States: he’s evil, he’s a piece of shit, he’s not a THOT like the other candidates – you know, all the qualities the founding fathers wanted in a leader.