Commitment Is Ben Affleck Rewriting The Script For “Batman v Superman” While Dressed As Batman

If I’ve learned anything about Ben Affleck, it’s that when he does something, he goes all in. When Ben Affleck decided to cheat on his wife, he went full-Hollywood and did it with the nanny. When Ben Affleck decided to take his gambling game to the next level, he started counting cards and getting kicked out of casinos. And when it comes to fixing all the fuck-ups and plot holes in the script for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, he did it dressed as Batman.

A source tells UsWeekly that when Ben arrived to set, he’d head to wardrobe, slip into his Batman suit, grab a copy of the script, and start making changes. I know Ben Affleck is an Academy Award-winning screenwriter, but I wasn’t aware he was helping write that movie. According to the Internet, he wasn’t supposed to do anything more for Superhero Slap Fight than put on a costume and scowl into the camera. But reportedly Ben “wasn’t thrilled with it and would find himself on multiple occasions fixing it the day of.”

I don’t know how long Ben spent fixing the script, but I’ll be honest – it was clearly a waste of time. I must have watched the trailers for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice at least 600 times, and not ONCE did I see anyone serving up some sweet moves to Prince’s Batdance. How can you rewrite a movie about Batman and leave out the most important aspect of the franchise? But I’ll give credit where credit is due. Ben totally could have done those rewrites in the comfort of a Doritos-covered Snuggie like a real writer (uh…or so I’ve heard). Instead, he chose to marinate in rubber Batsuit sweat and risk heat stroke to his balls. And then when he was done shooting, he made like Bruce Wayne and headed to a club where he proceeded to work his rich single guy game on a bunch of blondes. Ben is truly committed to his craft.

Pic: Warner Brothers

Andrew Keegan Started His Own Religion

You can file this under many things, but may I suggest either “Drugs are a hell of a drug” or “Names I haven’t thought about since my 10 Things I Hate About You tape exploded in the VCR”. But if either of those are full, I guess you could also throw this into the file marked “Bitch, why the fuck are you dressed like a down-and-out juggler???”

Former 90s teen heartthrob Andrew Keegan told Vice (via Page Six) that he’s created his own religion called Full Circle, because I guess Scientology needed some crazy competition. Andrew created the “conscious social movement” in Venice Beach to “provide an experimental environment designed to creatively expand consciousness through visual and performing arts, movement classes, workshops, forums and healing therapies.” So it’s like arts and crafts and healing crystals? Sort of. But like, 10 times more hippie ju-ju and a million times more fucking WEIRD. Andrew explains how it all started:

Keegan says he had a revelation after being attacked by gang members in Venice Beach on March 11, 2011 — the same day the tsunami hit Japan. The timing of those events would later reveal its power and significance in how “synchronicity” helped him discover his true calling.

“I had a moment where I was looking at a street lamp and it exploded,” he explained. “That was a weird coincidence. At a ceremony, a heart-shaped rose quartz crystal was on the altar, and synchronistically, this whole thing happened. It’s a long story, but basically the crystal jumped off the altar and skipped on camera. That was weird.”

Keegan explains that these were some of the incidents that led him to conclude that “the mission is to take the war out of our story, which is essentially peace, but activated peace.”

Still confused? You should be! I’m as high as a fucking kite after reading that. I still have no idea what the hell Full Circle is. Thankfully, they made a video (YAAAASSSS) to explain their movement a bit better.

Of COURSE that’s the video they made. It’s as if Urban Outfitters started a religion with an enchanted bag of mushrooms, a pair of devil sticks, and a come-to-life drug rug using start up capital borrowed from the drug rug’s trust fund. It’s like if Coachella was a cult for hipsters (“It’s not???” – Vanessa Hudgens).

And I really want to know what that dog at the 0:41 mark thinks of this mess. Never mind, his doggy side-eye says it all.

Pic: Facebook

Cameron Diaz Doesn’t Really Believe In Monogamy

It looks like Pastor Cameron Diaz of the Pussylove United Church found a volunteer to fill in for her at the Pussy Outreach Centre for At-Risk Vaginas, because she’s taken a brief hiatus from preaching the word of the good book and give a non-labia-related interview to InStyle magazine. Pastor Cammy reveals that she has started to question the long-held belief that one should worship at the altar of one set of genitals for the rest of our lives:

“A lot of people chase after it because they’ve been told, ‘This equals happiness.’ They chase it, they get it, and they find out, ‘Why did I think this was going to make me happy? I’m miserable!’ I don’t know if anyone is really naturally monogamous. We all have the same instincts as animals. But we live in a society where it’s been ingrained in us to do these things.”

I’m sorry, Pastor Cammy, but you lost me the second you compared human monogamy to animal monogamy. Animals are sluts who will hump anything regardless of sex, species, or vital status. I once saw a dog hump on a dead raccoon, and the whole time his eyes were scanning for his next hole (no romance with that one). And of course there are some hump-hungry human sluts out there (The Deaner, for example) but for the most part, I think humans like to settle down with that one special someone who makes their parts tingle, right? I mean, it sure saves on rent.

And something tells me Pastor Cammy just received an email from Gwyneth Paltrow that said: “Hi Cameron. Do me a favour and go back to talking about vaginas, because I’ve sort of already cornered the market on insufferable quotes about questioning monogamy.”

Lorde, Who Wasn’t Even A Zygote When Nirvana Was A Thing, Paid Tribute To Nirvana Last Night

Last night at the Barclays Centre – a venue that will always sound to me like a snooty prep-school from an 80s teen movie – Nirvana was inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame after finally meeting the 25-year waiting period (brb need to pack my bags for the nursing home, because that made me feel OLD). After being inducted by ageless Georia peach Michael Stipe, several artists joined Nirvana on stage to perform a medley of their songs, including Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth (makes sense), Joan Jett (I’m with you), St. Vincent (she’s good at guitar, so okay), and Lorde (wait just a goddamn Teen Spirit second).

Lorde was negative-3 years old when In Utero was released, so it makes about as much sense to let her sing “All Apologies” with Nirvana as it would to call Sophia Grace and Rosie up on stage and hand them a mic. But maybe it wasn’t so much about singing as it was about having someone who can visually represent the 90s, and nobody’s doing a better job of dry humping the 90s than Lorde. For her performance, Lorde started with her usual Rayanne Graff drag and added one of Paula Poundstone’s old pantsuits (that also kind of looked suspiciously like the pyjamas from TLC’s “Creep” video), Rebecca Gayheart’s Noxzema Girl hair, and wrapped it all up in the stage presence of that Stone Temple Pilots-obsessed kid in your grade school talent show doing his best Scott Weiland impression.

Basically, it was almost perfect: all that was missing was Lorde using the end of her pacifier necklace to crack open a can of Crystal Pepsi, and taking a break mid-set to ask the audience what they thought of Bill Clinton and last night’s episode of The Larry Sanders Show.