Sean Penn On The Death Of His Main Homegirl Hugo Chavez

Of course, we all knew it was only a matter of seconds before Hugo Chavez’s widow Sean Penn would come up to the podium to say some words about the death of his only friend in the world and here he is, right on time. There’s still swelling on my eye rolling muscle from when the human Alf cried about how he’s never been truly loved before in this life. But Sean Penn was lying, because Hugo Chavez truly loved him and he loved Hugo Chavez back and he’ll never take off his black lace mourning veil again. Sean Penn gave this statement about the death of his homie to The Hollywood Reporter:

“Today the people of the United States lost a friend it never knew it had. And poor people around the world lost a champion. I lost a friend I was blessed to have. My thoughts are with the family of President Chavez and the people of Venezuela. Venezuela and its revolution will endure under the proven leadership of Vice President Maduro.”

Meanwhile, Sean Penn’s nemesis and a much bigger Hollywood star than him, Maria Conchita Alonso, is going on a Twitter rampage over the death of Hugo Chavez. Maria Conchita Alonso tweeted that she’s relieved and then pointed her freshly sharpened shank at Sean Penn for calling Hugo Chavez a secret friend to the US. I know Maria Conchita Alonso would rather listen to Taylor Swift’s problems (the worst torture imaginable) than go to Hugo Chavez’s funeral, but I kind of hope she does and I hope she comes at Sean Penn, because it’s been much too long since we’ve had a good old-fashioned funeral brawl.

Hugo Chavez Is Dead

Hugo Chavez died of cancer at the age of 58 in Venezuela and that’s your cue to stick a pair of plugs in your ears, because Sean Penn is going to throw a black lace mourning veil over his face and wail as he throws himself on top of the coffin. Bitch is going to give the melodramatic abuelita performance of all melodramatic abuelita performances.

And you probably didn’t read anything I typed, because you were too busy pointing at the picture while saying, “Look, it’s a silly bird in a red beret!”