Hugh Jackman’s Wife Will Never Let Him Work With Homewrecking Legend St. Angie Jolie

During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:

Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.

“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.

“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges

I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.

So I Guess Tiger Lily Just Got Back From Burning Man…

Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.

Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.

While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:

Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.

Hugh Jackman Treated For Skin Cancer For The Third Time In A Year

Skin cancer first started fucking with Hugh JackMeOff last November when his loyal beard wife Deborra-Lee Furness told him that he needed to get a mark on his nose checked out by a doctor. That mark turned out to be basal cell carcinoma. Doctors cut it out of his nose and that was that. But six months later in May, that bitch ass cancer showed up on Hugh’s nose again. Once again, doctors removed it. Well, cancer is a stubborn piece of shit that can never take a hint, so it showed up on Hugh’s nose for a third time.

Hugh’s rep tells People that he’s doing okay after getting cancer scooped out of his nose for a third time. The rep said that basal cell carcinoma is really treatable if you catch it early. Ever since cancer made an appearance on Hugh’s nose, he’s been sunscreen’s #1 peddler and tells everyone to bathe in the stuff every day. Today, Hugh threw this up on Instagram:

I get that Hugh is telling everybody to protect themselves from that asshole cancer by wrapping their bodies in an SPF condom, but did he really need to bring that song into it? That song played at every single graduation in 1998 and I almost forgot about it. When the clock hit midnight on January 1, 1999, we all breathed out a hot sigh of relief, because we were hoping the year would be free of that goddamn sunscreen song. And Hugh just had to bring it back.

Since Hugh has made it one of his missions in life to get everyone lubed up with SPF, he should set up sunscreen booths all over the place and personally apply the stuff on our bodies with his hands. We’d all wear sunscreen all the time if he did that. But he better rub some low SPF between the cracks, because when I make the birds cry in pain by sunbathing naked, I like to get some sun in that no-no area. (Yes, I’m the gay  Shailene Woodley.) It too needs some Vitamin D. Well, it needs two kinds of Vitamin D if I ain’t being too subtle.

Deborra-Lee Furness Would Like You To Stop Telling Her She’s Lucky To Be Married To Hugh Jackman

During an interview with Australian Women’s Weekly (via Daily Mail), Hugh Jackman’s exquisite tree-ripened pawpaw of a wife Deborra-Lee Furness admitted that after almost two decades of people coming up to her and telling her she’s so lucky to be married to the current Vice President of the International DILF Society (the President is Paul Rudd), she’d like everyone to cut the bullshit and stop saying she’s lucky. Deborra-Lee isn’t lucky! There’s only one lucky, and she cry-cry-cries in her lonely heart. But for real, Hugh Jackman’s normal-looking wife wants you to stop acting like she won the damn lottery:

“That to me is a putdown. (It is) like you suggesting I won the chook raffle. I think we create our own destiny.”

I had no idea what the hell a chook raffle was (I figured it had something to do with drawing for a wallaby) but as it turns out, it’s where people raffle off chicken meat in a pub. WHAT EVEN??? Beer and the chance to win a bunch of chicken meat? Australia truly is a magical place.

But back to Deborra-Lee. I know she thinks people are saying “You are lucky”, but I think what they really mean is “You are lucky.” As in, we’re all insanely jealous that Deborra-Lee Furness gets to wake up every morning spooning one of Wolverine’s biceps and fall asleep every night staring deep into his beautiful Bloomin’ Onion eyes as he sings her a medley of Broadway show tunes. People aren’t saying she’s lucky in a Michael Bluth “Her?” way. They’re saying in the most literal sense of the word; as in, if a proctologist took a look up Deborra-Lee Furness’ ass, he’d find a horse shoe, a rabbit’s foot, several four-leaf clovers, and a goddamn leprechaun.

Open Post: Hosted By Hugh Jackman’s Eyeliner and Glorious Beard At The Tonys

Tonight is the gay World Series (the title of gay Super Bowl belongs to the Oscars) known as the Tonys and if you really want to end up needing a liver transplant in a bad way, then watch the Tonys and take a shot every time someone makes an Adele Dazeem joke. Your liver will melt, liquefy and dribble out of your piss slit before the second hour is over. Hugh JackMeOff is hosting the Tonys tonight and he sashayed onto the red carpet with his stunning beard. The beard on his face looked okay too (You can GONG me for that one, I deserve it).

Hugh Jackman obviously spent some time getting his eyes Wet ‘N Wild beautiful for the Tonys, but he should’ve stepped away from the mascara and eyeliner for a second to help out his wife Deborra-Lee Furness, because she looks like Magnolia Crawford did her makeup. She looks like the wax figure of a drag queen Kate Gosselin and that is not a good thing. Maybe it’s her way of paying homage to Kinky Boots and the Lion King?

But whatever, I guess no matter how Deborra-Lee did her makeup, she still wouldn’t be able to compete with Hugh Jackman’s gorgeous bunny eyes.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

Not This Again: Jennifer Lawrence Tripped At The X-Men Premiere

After falling on the stairs at the 2013 Academy Awards and bailing on the red carpet at the 2014 Academy Awards, I just assumed Jennifer Lawrence was planning on saving her next “Whoopsies, how endearing of me!” choreographed stunt fall for the 2015 Academy Awards. Instead, The Daily Mail says she fast-tracked things a bit by tripping up the stairs at the New York premiere of X-Men: Days of Future Past on Sunday night. Although, this one might not technically count, because they say it wasn’t a full-on shit-eating fall; it was more like a fall that never materialized because too many people threw out their arms to prevent America’s Sexiest Keeper of the Real from taking a tumble. It was the pre-cum of falling, really.

I know I throw a lot of shade at Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the hardest working tricks in the try-hard game, but I honestly believe this stumble up the stairs wasn’t planned. That velveteen dress she’s wearing is giving me serious flashbacks to the year 2000, and in case you forgot about the year everyone was stuffing themselves into cheap velveteen, that shit wasn’t a very forgiving fabric. It stretched when it wanted to and if your skirt/dress was long enough, it always found a way to wrap itself around the heel of your platform Mary Janes and throw your ass at the worst of times. It’s not JLaw’s fault she almost fell again; it was that vengeful bitch velveteen’s fault!

Here’s more of Jennifer Lawrence at the X-Men: Back to the Future Past premiere on Sunday night, along with Hugh Jackman, who also threw back to the year 2000 by wearing a band-aid on his face as an homage to Nelly (not really; it’s because he had some skin cancer removed), JLaw’s About A Hottie boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, Ellen Page looking like a young Jesus going to his bar mitzvah, and Fan Bingbing, who not only brings the glamour EVERY TIME, but also has the hottest name:

Pics: Splash