Everybody has that one friend who is always trying to do too much. They want to celebrate their birthday, but instead of just going for dinner and drinks they want to do some expensive ass, multiple day, out of town shit and if you say you can’t go you’re labeled a “bad friend”. Well, Gwyneth Paltrow is that friend times a million.
I guess we can finally answer the burning question as to why Cameron Diaz retired from acting. It’s probably because she was asked to dedicate her life full-time to planning her pal Gwyneth Paltrow’s bachelorette party (and eventual uncoupling ceremony). Gwynny probably has Cam under contract for the next 10-20 years. In case your Goop newsletter somehow ended up in your spam folder, Gwyneth is getting hitched to American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk. According to Page Six, the bride’s pre-wedding festivities are all going down this weekend in Mexico.
Every thinking person knows that the best way to start off the year is by squirting a quart of coffee up your anus. Good morning! That’s the Goop way and it’s the right way. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop sent out its Beauty and Wellness Detox Guide and, according to The Huffington Post, it features a do-it-yourself coffee enema product. It’s called the, I kid you not, Implant O’Rama and is a steal at only $135 USD. Which is indeed a bargain considering she’s also hawking a $4,000 personal Sauna and a 1.7oz jar (about 3 tablespoons) of exfoliating facial mask that you are supposed to use three times a week but that Goop assures “GP uses daily” for $125.
When I free associate on the name Gwyneth Paltrow these are the first things that pop into my mind: Vaginas, dietary restrictions, Brad Pitt, aggressively Caucasian, talks weird, head in a box. Gwyneth recently appeared on Sophia Amoruso’s Girlboss podcast (via Page Six), and she managed to reaffirm most of them in a single interview! But the big take away is that Gwyneth revealed she is romantically challenged, and once again admits she was to blame for things not working out with Brad.
Last Friday, Lindsay Lohan announced on Instagram (and then today on Twitter) that she had launched a subscription-based lifestyle site with Preemium.com simply called Lindsay Lohan. People magazine says that for just $2.99 a month, you’ll be given access to her life, beauty secrets and lifestyle tips. I’m sure there are some overseas businessmen who are wondering how much extra for a private cam show, but this isn’t that kind of pay-per-view website.
Gwyneth Paltrow recently discovered yoni eggs, which are egg-shaped stones you shove up your snatch to allegedly help you keep things tight and tingly. Yesterday we learned that Gwyneth was selling a $66 jade egg on her website specifically to put up your vagina. Goop claimed that the jade egg would work in a number of magical ways, which included increases in chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy. She also did a Q&A with the maker of the eggs, Shiva Rose. GOOP’s jade egg has already sold out.
A gynecologist named Dr. Jen Gunter has chimed in with her thoughts. Dr. Jen wrote an open letter to Gwyneth, and surprisingly it wasn’t to congratulate Gwyneth on successfully finding a new way to waste people’s money.