As if losing an hour of sleep for daylight savings time wasn’t the most INSUFFERABLE thing about this day already, Saturday Night Live just went and made the weekend worse with their GOOP parody on Weekend Update. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they brought Gwyneth Paltrow on as a surprise guest to make fun of her to her face yet failed by pulling back on all of their punches, or that they failed to offer a mock PSA on the benefits of steaming one’s vagina while simultaneously boiling water for making organic zucchini spaghetti. Major missed opportunity.
This is the face Gwyneth Paltrow makes when you ask her about yoga.
Vulture is reporting that Our Saint of Overpriced Vaginal Eggs is telling one of her favorite anecdotes again, this time to the Financial Times. You’ve heard the story before and she’s been telling it again more recently to the Wall Street Journal, but she’s here to make it very clear: Gwyneth Paltrow, wealthy caucasian actress who was born in 1972, invented yoga. Sure those Hindus and Buddhists were moving their bodies around and humming to themselves and calling it yoga, but no one really knew how to really do yoga until Gwyneth let the peasants of the world know it exists. Thank you Gwyneth. I’m sure all those monks in the monasteries have shrines to you for spreading the good word.
Gwyneth Paltrow‘s brain child from Hell, Goop, is really in a constant state of lunacy. Most recently the company was ordered to fork over $145, 000 because of the vagina eggs they were shilling. Well obviously that was enough for Gwyneth and Team Goop to smarten up and stop selling you expensive garbage. Psyche! It was not enough! In fact, they are still selling you $100 water bottles with crystals in them which infuse the water with “the power of crystals,” (I’m not exaggerating). And because they’re still hawking shit to the richest of idiots, they’re also still getting in trouble for it. What happened to that fact checker, girl?
Gwyneth Paltrow Talked Conscious Uncoupling And Postpartum Depression On Goop’s 10-Year Anniversary Podcast
The most pretentious woman to ever make you shove a jade egg up your vagina, Gwyneth Paltrow, sat down with her mother Blythe Danner on her Goop podcast to celebrate 10 years in the business of selling overpriced forks. On the podcast, Gwyneth talked about her struggle with postpartum depression, and that whole conscious uncoupling shit that we’ll never be able to escape.
Everybody has that one friend who is always trying to do too much. They want to celebrate their birthday, but instead of just going for dinner and drinks they want to do some expensive ass, multiple day, out of town shit and if you say you can’t go you’re labeled a “bad friend”. Well, Gwyneth Paltrow is that friend times a million.
I guess we can finally answer the burning question as to why Cameron Diaz retired from acting. It’s probably because she was asked to dedicate her life full-time to planning her pal Gwyneth Paltrow’s bachelorette party (and eventual uncoupling ceremony). Gwynny probably has Cam under contract for the next 10-20 years. In case your Goop newsletter somehow ended up in your spam folder, Gwyneth is getting hitched to American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk. According to Page Six, the bride’s pre-wedding festivities are all going down this weekend in Mexico.