When I free associate on the name Gwyneth Paltrow these are the first things that pop into my mind: Vaginas, dietary restrictions, Brad Pitt, aggressively Caucasian, talks weird, head in a box. Gwyneth recently appeared on Sophia Amoruso’s Girlboss podcast (via Page Six), and she managed to reaffirm most of them in a single interview! But the big take away is that Gwyneth revealed she is romantically challenged, and once again admits she was to blame for things not working out with Brad.
Last Friday, Lindsay Lohan announced on Instagram (and then today on Twitter) that she had launched a subscription-based lifestyle site with Preemium.com simply called Lindsay Lohan. People magazine says that for just $2.99 a month, you’ll be given access to her life, beauty secrets and lifestyle tips. I’m sure there are some overseas businessmen who are wondering how much extra for a private cam show, but this isn’t that kind of pay-per-view website.
Gwyneth Paltrow recently discovered yoni eggs, which are egg-shaped stones you shove up your snatch to allegedly help you keep things tight and tingly. Yesterday we learned that Gwyneth was selling a $66 jade egg on her website specifically to put up your vagina. Goop claimed that the jade egg would work in a number of magical ways, which included increases in chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy. She also did a Q&A with the maker of the eggs, Shiva Rose. GOOP’s jade egg has already sold out.
A gynecologist named Dr. Jen Gunter has chimed in with her thoughts. Dr. Jen wrote an open letter to Gwyneth, and surprisingly it wasn’t to congratulate Gwyneth on successfully finding a new way to waste people’s money.
Living room-temperature bottle of Evian Gwyneth Paltrow recently wrote an essay about being a successful business person for LinkedIn. Gwyneth Paltrow started out as “actress Gwyneth Paltrow“, then in 2008 turned into “actress with an online vanity project Gwyneth Paltrow.” But it sounds like she wants to be known as just “rich lady who runs goop.com” now.
Goop squirted out a Sex Issue yesterday, and it’s really my wet dream come-to-life, because it brings together two of my favorite things: Goopisms and sex stuff!
Goop truly has a gift at making everything sound as pretentious and ridiculous as possible, including fucking. Even though she let us know that she likes to fuck, I always thought that Goopy Paltrow’s favorite way of getting off is by reading the labels at a chef-curated speciality marché that focuses on artisanal food items imported from the Continent. Goop’s Sex Issue doesn’t mention that, but it does mention ridiculous fuck toys and other kinds of ridiculousness.
Sometime-actress and full-time snobby rich lady Gwyneth Paltrow is currently peddling her new cookbook, It’s All Easy, which is all about quick, easy recipes. You know, like the kind a single mom makes when her chef needs the evening off (how rude) before the kids’ Italian lesson in Brentwood. Sometimes you don’t have enough time to make an organic quail roast with heirloom morels and artisanal ramps, so you just throw together whatever one of the housekeepers put in the Sub-Zero, you know?
Gwyneth is apparently all about the easy food, hence the name It’s All Easy. But Goopy’s version of easy is very different from the easy of the uncultured poors. For example, you won’t find Gwyneth keeping things easy at dinnertime by reheating yesterday’s pizza. While talking to Entertainment Tonight yesterday, Gwyneth admitted that there isn’t a microwave at Castle Goopskull, because EW, are you kidding?? Gwyneth would never!
“I do not own a microwave. No. I believe in the old-fashioned way of heating things up.”
According to Gwyneth in It’s All Easy: “It’s really not so tough to put an oven on or gasoline steaming. It’s like five minutes.” You hear that, you lazy oafs? Stop trying to cut corners with your plastic radiation box and start gasoline streaming like a goddamn human being already. Jesus, it’s like, five minutes. Are you that impatient? You know what, maybe you don’t deserve to know how to make 10-minute harissa-glazed razor clam with pickled daikon and preserved lemon foam.
Another thing you won’t find in Goopy’s kitchen: dill. Gwyneth Paltrow hates dill! Or as Gwyneth says, “It really offends me.” Poor dill. Oh well, more delicious dill pickles for the rest of us. Well, at least until some fancy anti-aging specialist tells Gwyneth that dill enemas are the new bee stings, at which point we’ll be fighting a dill-hoarding Gwyneth for the last jar.
Here’s more of the Regina George to dill and microwave’s Janice and Damien signing books at Barnes & Noble yesterday.