Madge Wishes She Had Veins Like This

Sarah Jessica Parker, Madge and Sylvester Stallone all have fields of bulging veins that make their arms look like a peen-shaped jellyfish in a penis pump, but they still don’t have it like Hugh JackMeOff has it. Twentieth Century Fox pushed out this first still from the Wolverine sequel, which comes out next year, of Hugh looking like if Freddy Krueger got a full body skin graft, got his hair done by Pauly D and did nothing but snort Hydroxycut and weight lift entire Bowflex machines for 6 months straight. Dude has muscles on every inch of his body and beyond. If I put a magnifying glass over his hair, I’d probably see biceps on each individual strand.

Hugh’s abs are insane and he’s definitely giving drug mules ideas. Something tells me many TSA agents will hear the line, “No, I didn’t surgically implant long bags of cokes under my stomach skin, I just work out a lot.” And Hugh’s arms are delicious and I’m only saying that, because they look like cabbage rolls stuffed with beef.

via Coming Soon 

RiRi Pays Tribute To Her Gran Gran With A Giant Under Titty Tattoo

To honor her late Gran Gran Dolly, who took the escalator up to heaven this past July, RiRi spendt hours getting a gigantic tattoo under her chichis area of the Goddess Isis. Because nothing says “I love you forever” like an under titty tattoo that in 50 years will look like a mangy, tattered pigeon that was shot down by a pellet gun.

RiRi should’ve moved that tattoo up so the wings are over her chichis. That way when she jumped up and down, Goddess Isis would’ve looked like she’s freely flying through the sky. Now THAT would be the ultimate homage to Gran Gran Dolly. RiRi posted the picture of her new tattoo on Instagram with his note:

Goddess Isis- Complete Woman – Model for future generations- #GRANGRANDOLLY – always in and on my heart #1love

RiRi does have the right idea. As soon as I save up enough Valium pills to deal with getting pricked in the face over and over again (and not in a sexy way), I’m going to honor my abuelita by getting the image of a flying chancla tattooed over my mouth.

And here’s RiRi in London last night looking like Peaches from A Low Down Dirty Shame.

Portia De Rossi Is The New Lily Munster

The complete mind fuck that is the American Horror Story-like makeover of The Munsters called Mockingbird Lane continues to fuck minds with the casting of Lily Munster. Bryan Singer and Bryan Fuller, who are responsible for the reboot, should’ve cast Colleen Williams or Joe Perry as Lily since they both already have the hair for it, but they cast Mandy Rogers (glamorized stage name: Portia De Rossi)  instead.

Deadline says that Portia got the role after ABC Studios refused to let Lorena from True Blood out of her contract with that Devious Maids mess, which might be headed for Lifetime. Yeah, so Lorena from True Blood is totally farting in somebody’s coffee mug today. Portia will put on a luscious skunk wig to play Lily alongside Jerry O’Connell as Herman, Eddie Izzard as Grandpa Munster, Charity Wakefield as Marilyn and Mason Cook as Eddie. The pilot for NBC apparently started shooting yesterday.

Just like the time my friend put a white trash daiquiri (an orange Icee and Bacardi) in front of me, Mockingbird Lane sort of weirds me out but I could get into it. Well, if anything at least I get to see Portia dragged up as a goth chola who listens to way too much Morrissey.

Here’s Ellen DeGeneres and Portia looking like the first place and runner-up of a David Spade look-alike contest while walking around in L.A. the other day.

NBC Pulls Fear Factor’s Donkey Jizz Episode

Sad news for those of you sick fucks who were looking forward to watching Fear Factor’s donkey show episode while enjoying a spread of spoiled horchata and Miller Lite (aka donkey piss). NBC has erased the episode from its schedule and will air a rerun instead. So America will not get to watch a bunch of dumb ass contestants do what Joe Rogan did to get that job.

TMZ summoned a hundred donkey side-eyes when they said last week that Fear Factor’s season finale episode had a stunt where the contestants had to guzzle down beer jugs full of donkey piss and donkey-flavored baby batter. As of last week, NBC executives were going back on forth over whether or not they should air the “ass to mouth” episode, but sometime during the weekend they decided to kill it completely. They scrubbed a preview for the episode from their website and already changed channel guides to list the re-run as the episode that will play tonight. TMZ asked NBC’s chairman for a comment and he said this:

“I reviewed the episode late last week and decided it was a segment we should not air.”

I don’t know if this is good news or bad news for those ass jizz-guzzling contestants. On one hand, if the episode aired, they’d forever be known as the hos with donkey spunk breath and drunk donkeys looking for a quickie would kick at their back door at all hours of the night. But on the other hand, the world knowing that they will swallow some disgusting ass shit will do wonders for their personal lives and probably get them a cameo on Jersey Shore. We’ll never know.

And if you were looking forward to watching a bunch of tricks drink donkey sperm, you can watch the next best thing instead. You can watch a fake crying donkey throw up a bunch of bull shit. I’m talking about this (skip to the 2:15 mark):

via Buzzfeed

Aaron Carter’s Meth Abs Are No More

It was over a year ago when Aaron Carter challenged your claim to fap to anything when he posted a shirtless picture of himself looking like an HGH-addicted clitoris with Madonna arms. Aaron had the six-pack that meth built. But at Angels & Kings in NYC last night, the beats he threw down were so hot (your eye roll goes here and load the next on) that he ripped off his sequined blouse (your second eye roll goes here) from International Male and showed the paps that he no longer has a body straight out of the pages of Bodies of Meth Weekly.

The ghost of Justin Bieber’s future has completely dried out, so he says, and unlike a year ago you couldn’t tweak out from snorting up his sweat. Aaron is totally a Nancy Reagan kind of drug-free and he has a “frat boy porn star turned freelance car mechanic” body to show for it. Or maybe Aaron’s got an “XY Magazine model turned day-shift bartender at a Long Beach gay club” body.

And that has to be a stick-on happy trail wig on Aaron’s body, because I refuse to believe that it’s possible for a Carter to grow body hair. They don’t even have to follicles down there. The meth ate ’em!

It’s OVAH

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing “irreconcilable differences”. Well they’re both pretty irreconcialably um, “different” so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don’t) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this “sanctity” people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won’t even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren’t allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That’s why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It’s so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.