Jonathan Rhys Meyers Is Going To Be A Dad

If you work at a Tiffany & Co. and you receive a call sometime today that sounds like: “Yar, ya smar dash a silver rattle tur runtun engraving, eh?“, don’t hang up and wonder if the smoothie you bought at lunch was laced with LSD. It’s just probably one of the Canadian cast members of Vikings trying to purchase a nice baby gift for their fellow co-star, Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

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Layla Grant From “Nashville” Is Jem

If I lay a fart and someone asks me, “Did you fart?”, I’ll gladly admit it. But if someone asks me if I watch Nashville, I will pause for a minute while I’m deciding if I want to tell the truth and bring shame upon myself (and that’s saying a lot) and my family. I love Nashville, even though I sometimes don’t admit it, and that is why this news has made me put my hands over my childhood’s eyes while screaming, “DON’T READ THIS! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!”

The Hollywood Reporter says that the most important cinematic event of our time, the Jem and the Holograms movie, has already started shooting and producers have announced who’s playing Jem and the Holograms. Aubrey Peeples is Jem. Aubrey plays Layla Grant on Nashville and next to that pill-popping ostrich Scarlett, she’s the most annoying character on that shit. Layla is some reality show runner-up who is so damn dumb that she doesn’t realize her country singer boyfriend loves dick and is using her as a beard. So basically, Layla’s based on Taylor Swift. And now Layla’s going to be Jem.

WHYYYYYYYY???????????????????????????

Producers also announced that a bunch of girls I’ve never heard of will play the Holograms. Stefanie Scott is Kimber, Aurora Perrineau is Shana and Hayley Kiyoko is Aja.

The truth is, who really cares who plays Jem. It’s all about Pizzazz and if they announce that Pizzazz will be played by a trick named Ashley Greene or a trick named Vanessa Hudgens, Hollywood will drown in the slaughtered bodies of the childhoods of every ho who grew up in the 80s.

The teaser poster is after the cut and it makes Jem and the Holograms look like a low-budget indie thriller directed by someone who thinks they’re the next Soderbergh. Why so serious?  Continue reading

The Instagram Filter Awards: Nick Jonas Goes Shirtless

I thought Nick Jonas was the scrawny Jonas who’s built like a premature baby bird and didn’t have the ability to grow actual hair below his neck. But some fucked up shit happened when I wasn’t paying attention to Nick Jonas. Nick Jonas somehow got muscles under his skin and he now has hair on his nipples. Scientists and doctors say that you age about 10 years when you find out that a Jonas Brother can grow hair on his nipples. I mean, Kevin Jonas jacked into a turkey baster and has is having a baby, Joe Jonas was in a fake dildo-filled sex tape that probably doesn’t exist and now Nick Jonas looks like this. What is going on?!

21-year-old Nick Instagrammed this picture of his happy trail and added the note, “I never do this but…” Usually when a ho says, “I never do this,” they mean they do it all the time. They just don’t put it on Instagram on all the time. Nick Jonas’ guest room is totally wallpapered with shirtless pictures of himself. But I can’t hate, because I’d probably do the same thing if I lifted more than a spoonful of cream cheese frosting into my mouth and had at least one muscle on my arm.

My favorite thing is the filter, though. It makes him look like a colored pencil drawing. This is something Papa Joe Simpson would airbrush onto the side of his love van.

Work it, Nick Jonas. Work it like you’re in a Sean Cody test shoot and your first student loan bill was due last week.

It’s The End Of A Slutty Era, Pamela Anderson Is Toning Down Her Look

It is truly a sad, sad day for demure beauties who like to wear coochie cutters with UGGs and a bridal thong bikini to their wedding, because one of the vanguards of the modern-day whore look, Pamela Anderson, told Buzzfeed at the International Beauty Show in NYC on Monday that since she’s getting older, she’s decided to tone down her signature look a little bit. To which I say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Canadian pearl says that for years, hos have been trying to get her to take off the fake eyelashes and put on more clothes. Pamela always told them to fuck off, because she knows what glamour is and glamour IS looking like a seasoned boardwalk hooker who doesn’t mind a little sand in her oyster. But now that Pamela is creeping toward 50, she says that she’s gettin’ a little too old for that whorey look, darlin’.

Buzzfeed: When in your life did you first feel beautiful?

Pamela: Well, it wasn’t today (laughs). I’m kidding. Oh, god, I don’t know if I ever really felt beautiful. I always feel like I don’t — I don’t, really.

Buzzfeed: You’re something of a beauty maximalist. So do people ever try to make you under?

Pamela: Actually a lot of people, especially when I was on Baywatch. They were insisting that I didn’t wear eyelashes, but I said, “I have my look, this is what I’m comfortable in.” Sometimes my eyelashes would roll up onto the beach and that’s all that would be left of me. But I was determined to be glamorous. Oh, I loved it, I LOVED it. I thought, “If you’re going to be on TV, and if you’re gonna be out and glamorous, the natural look can stay at home. If we’re gonna do this, let’s have fun with it!” I actually just did a shoot lately, and they took all the makeup off and put me in a ponytail, and I said, “Well, OK, we’ll try that.”

Buzzfeed: How did you feel about it?

Pamela: Well, everyone was happy about it and liked it, and so, well, we’ll see what it looks like. It was Mario Testino, so I can’t argue with him! And he loved it, so, we’ll see.

Buzzfeed: So people try to tone down your sex appeal because you’re known for being so hot?

Pamela: I don’t know if it’s because I’m so hot, but they definitely try to tone down my sex appeal. I think it’s time, though — you know, you grow up and you change your look. I feel different from how I did in my Playboy days. Now, I think I’m in charge of toning down my look or not. I feel like as I’m getting older, this is my version of toned down (gestures to hair and outfit). I like it.

To which I say again, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, if Pamela Anderson wants to turn her back on a community of old whores who have looked up to her all these years by covering her body and doing her hair up like a Shih Tzu caught in a tornado, then that’s fine. But if she turns her back on all the white girl cholas by erasing her praying mantis leg eyebrows, I will never ever forgive her!

Swingers

Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I’m more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.

There’s a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman’s cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody’s been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it’s on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can’t hear Brad’s blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to…love it and even…be kind of jealous?? It burns.

There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie’s cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don’t know what to think right now.

Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:

“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”

Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.

It’s Always That Work Bitch

You know that sick, insecure feeling you get when you roll up to your piece’s job (or drive thru, whatever) and get a look at their hotter than you coworker? And there they are, doing teamwork shit and laughing, and being way too close to each other you’re trying to wish that bitch away like the kid in Creepshow? And then you break up later and he starts humping on said piece, or maybe they’d been boning in the walk in cooler all along? Well US says that Demi Moore is just like us, except with a lot more money and a lot less sense.

An insider named Demi tells US Magazine that Demi has the sads that her almost ex Ashton Kutcher and his old 70’s Show castmate Mila Kunis are doing it. DUH. I’d like to throw some shade, but I kind of feel sorry for her ass. It has to suck to work so hard tweeting bikini pics of yourself, getting fillers, doing chicken dances and all that only to have to hand your hubby over to THAT SHADY WORK BITCH in the end. I just hope she can put it in perspective, realize that this is fucking KELSO we’re talking about and just be glad that Mila took that stank trash to the curb for her.

Demi needs to throw on her best fuck me pumps, down a couple of Red Bulls, huff a can of whipped cream and get her sad ass back on the stroll. As all old hoes know, the best way to get over a piece is to get under a new one.