Apologies to those of you lovers of lady-on-lady action who are now dealing with a case of disappointed genitals because you only read a piece of that headline and thought this was going to be a post about Charlize Theron scissoring with Halle Berry.
It’s been about two years since Charlize Theron finally pulled herself out of the dickmatized haze she was in and broke up with barbecued Snausage of rage Sean Penn. OK! Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Charlize’s cooze has moved on to Gabriel Aubry, the hot blond model piece who was in a chunky shit storm of a fight over custody and child support with Halle Berry. That fight hit peak WRECK when Halle’s new man Olivier Martinez punched the pretty out of Gabriel on Thanksgiving. And now he may be wet humping on Charlize.
Today, The Sun delivered an amazing story about how Tom Hardy single-handedly busted my favorite kind of arrest, a CITIZEN’S ARREST, on a thief in the London suburb of Richmond. Tom also loudly called the thief a “cock.” If you’re saying, “But Michael, you stupid, this is from The Sun, so it’s probably not true,” then I need to tell you to shut your fun-hating lips and stop ruining it for those of us who want to believe that a story about Tom Hardy catching a cock is true! Besides, the cops say it happened.
Charlie Hunnam had to put lots of muscles on his body for his last three movies, including the ones he’s promoting now, The Lost City Of Z. Charlie talked to Men’s Health about how he got so ripped, and he said he did it by quitting weed, working out a lot (duh) and pretty much existing on the model diet (coffee and cigarettes). Charlie does it all when it comes to work out stuff, and one of the exercise techniques he counts on the most to keep his body hot is fucking.
Don’t you dare e-mail me your dry cleaning bill. It’s not my fault that the sight of white hot daddy Ric Flair in Liberace’s casual loungin’ robe causes crotches to burst.
Retired WWE champion Ric Flair recently bragged on his radio show, The Ric Flair Show, about all of the dozens of famous chicks who have taken a ride on Space Mountain. “Space Mountain” is apparently what Ric calls fuck times with him, which makes sense since like the ride, it doesn’t last long and you’ll be dizzy and disappointed afterward. The Stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ n’ dealin’ son of a gun would only say the name of one celebrity he’s done and that’s Halle Berry. But according to Halle Berry’s people, her coochie’s passport doesn’t have a stamp with Space Mountain’s name on it.
Who cares if Ricky Martin’s shirt looks like it’s covered in flattened cockroaches and stepped-on bunny poop? Who also cares if Ricky Martin’s face looks like it was reupholstered in pieces cut out from the sun-damaged leather Levitz couch my tia kept on her backyard patio for years? Who cares about any of that? I doubt Ricky Martin gives a fuck , because he’s too busy humping on his hot new piece.
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.