Today, The Sun delivered an amazing story about how Tom Hardy single-handedly busted my favorite kind of arrest, a CITIZEN’S ARREST, on a thief in the London suburb of Richmond. Tom also loudly called the thief a “cock.” If you’re saying, “But Michael, you stupid, this is from The Sun, so it’s probably not true,” then I need to tell you to shut your fun-hating lips and stop ruining it for those of us who want to believe that a story about Tom Hardy catching a cock is true! Besides, the cops say it happened.
Charlie Hunnam had to put lots of muscles on his body for his last three movies, including the ones he’s promoting now, The Lost City Of Z. Charlie talked to Men’s Health about how he got so ripped, and he said he did it by quitting weed, working out a lot (duh) and pretty much existing on the model diet (coffee and cigarettes). Charlie does it all when it comes to work out stuff, and one of the exercise techniques he counts on the most to keep his body hot is fucking.
Don’t you dare e-mail me your dry cleaning bill. It’s not my fault that the sight of white hot daddy Ric Flair in Liberace’s casual loungin’ robe causes crotches to burst.
Retired WWE champion Ric Flair recently bragged on his radio show, The Ric Flair Show, about all of the dozens of famous chicks who have taken a ride on Space Mountain. “Space Mountain” is apparently what Ric calls fuck times with him, which makes sense since like the ride, it doesn’t last long and you’ll be dizzy and disappointed afterward. The Stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ n’ dealin’ son of a gun would only say the name of one celebrity he’s done and that’s Halle Berry. But according to Halle Berry’s people, her coochie’s passport doesn’t have a stamp with Space Mountain’s name on it.
Who cares if Ricky Martin’s shirt looks like it’s covered in flattened cockroaches and stepped-on bunny poop? Who also cares if Ricky Martin’s face looks like it was reupholstered in pieces cut out from the sun-damaged leather Levitz couch my tia kept on her backyard patio for years? Who cares about any of that? I doubt Ricky Martin gives a fuck , because he’s too busy humping on his hot new piece.
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.
If you’re Alex Rodriguez, I’d know you’d hit it like the final pitch at the World Series. This is A-Rod’s dream girl. She’s got the 3 Bs: blonde, buff and butch!
On last night’s second season premiere of Lip Sync Battle, Jenna Dewan Tatum did herself up in bro drag (complete with Mimi-like painted on abs) to channel her husband Channing Tatum while performing Ginuwine’s Pony. Channing Tatum’s response to that was to tuck, pluck and fuck it up as Chanyonce while performing Run The World (Girls). Channing Tatum as Beyonce looks more like He-Man in drag as She-Ra. Chanyonce is giving me Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face on Madonna’s body.
The queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race have nothing to worry about, because Channing lip synched about as good as Brit Brit Spears after getting her mouth shot up with novocaine. But what Chanyonce lacked in lip synching skills, he made up for in charisma and pussy popping. A very special guest also strutted out at the end. Sadly, it wasn’t Jonah Hill who did himself up in Shakira drag to perform Beautiful Liar. Prepare your b-hole for puckering:
To quote Channing Tatum:
I love how Beyonce gave Chanyonce props at the end. I don’t think she even did that with Michelle Williams. Chanyonce and Beyonce should really be the Super Bowl Halftime Show headliners. Move over, Coldplay.
Channing also did Queen Elsa and this is obviously the role he was born to play.
And it weirds me out to say this, but yeah, I’d hit it until his wig popped off.