Category: Hot Slut of the Month
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Golden Girls Pop-Up Restaurant!
Years ago, a Golden Girls-themed restaurant opened in New York City, but it wasn’t really a Golden Girls-themed restaurant. It was called Rue La Rue Cafe and it was opened up by Rue McClanahan’s best friend so it was more of an homage to her than the greatest show to ever touch TV screens. It closed after about a year. Well, someone’s trying the whole Golden Girls-themed restaurant thing again, but they’ve really tried to go for it. They’ve recreated parts of The Golden Girls’ Kingdom and are serving dishes like Sophia’s lasagna, Rose’s Genurken-flürken cake, cheese balls, and cheesecake. The last one is the DUH of DUHS because opening a Golden Girls-themed restaurant and not serving cheesecake is an ILLEGAL act of blasphemy.
Who Is June’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Patti LuPone’s now-legendary Mask Rant (which is my song of the summer and yes, I’m calling it Maskrant Love) won May’s Hot Slut of the Month showdown by getting almost 52% of the votes. Patti LuPone’s Mask Rant will go on to the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals next year, and now let’s pick June’s HSOTM who will try to take down Patti LuPone’s Mask Rant in 2023. June’s HSOTM battle is a potpourri of random HSOTD hotness from a Texas mystery creature to Oreo’s jizz-busting-looking straws to Xtina’s gorgeously dazzling Pride dick to an award-winning beauty king! As always, the three first choices got the most Facebook likes for the month and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for June are:
The Mysterious Wolf Creature of Amarillo, the mysterious wolf-like creature who became the IT bitch of Amarillo after surveillance video footage of them sashaying outside of the zoo went viral. We still don’t know the identity of the mysterious creature. So some kind of wolf thing is either continuing to terrorize Amarillo or the person who got caught doing the walk of shame from a Burning Man-themed orgy is thinking to themselves, “Please don’t let anybody find out it was me”
Oreo Sippers, the Oreo straws that came (“Oh yes, they surely came” said everyone looking at that picture of a Sipper in action) and went in 2012.
Xtina’s Bedazzled Strap-On, the rhinestone-encrusted Jolly Green Giant strap-on that Christina Aguilera wielded during her performance at L.A. Pride. That Liberace Leprechaun dildo did double duty because not only did it bring a major touch of sparkly elegance to L.A. Pride, but it also caused some conservatives to clutch their anal beads in disgust!
Mr. Happy Face, the 17-year-old hairless Chinese crested and Chihuahua rescue mix who served enough charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and tentonsofbeauty to win this year’s World’s Ugliest Dog contest.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be named in this space and in Crumbs, next Tuesday, July 19!
UPDATE: Mr. Happy Face is now a two-time award winner, thankyouverymuch because he has won June’s HSOTM contest thanks to getting 49% of your votes! Thanks to all who voted!
Who Is May’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
April’s Hot Slut of the Month was won by the Cheetos-Loving Javelina of Arizona, and that means the animal kingdom is sweeping HSOTM!!! Oscar the “gay dog” won March’s HSOTM title and Luke the “party for one” dog won February’s HSOTM title. Although, the animal kingdom’s HSOTM streak may come to an end this month unless the chaos-creating NYC rat runs away with that shit. As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes and the fourth is a wild card picked by me. Your choices for May are:
Glitter ‘N Gold Jem, the beyond opulent Jem doll that is so special and spectacular that it’s one of the only things in the world that is actually increasing in value, as stocks fall (don’t fact-check me on that).
Patti LuPone’s Mask Rant, the latest beautiful sermon that La LuPone delivered during a Q&A for Company on Broadway when some tricks refused to wear their masks correctly. I have heard that those messes were so embarrassed by La LuPone checking them that they’ve had their masks surgically attached to their faces so that this never happens again (don’t fact-check me on that, either).
The Chaos-Creating Rat, the rat who made Yakety Sax fill everyone’s head by creating a zany scene at a dog park in NYC just by being a rat in the middle of a dog park in NYC.
Julian Grander, the Jeopardy! contestant who became the backward-talking chanteuse when he sang the alphabet in reverse. And even though Julian’s talent freaked me out and had me reaching for the holy water, I’d much rather watch him do that on a loop than watch Mayim Bialick awkwardly host another Jeopardy! episode.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be named in this space and in Crumbs next Tuesday, June 21!
UPDATE: The Animal Kingdom’s HSOTM reign has come to an end because Patti LuPone’s Mask Rant is our Hot Slut of May with 51.8% of the votes. Thanks to all who voted!
Pics: TommysFashionDolls, YouTube, Twitter, Twitter
Who Is April’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Oscar, the dog who was dumped at a shelter by two caca-brained soulless demons for being “gay” (and was later adopted by a gay couple), easily won the title of Hot Slut of March 2022 with almost 50% of the votes. Now, we’re moving on to April’s HSOTM showdown which is a hodgepodge of hotness including a prospective juror who kept it 100% real, a gloriously weird board game from the golden era of weird board games (aka the 80s), a candy bar’s dick vein, and an adorable javelina who is a creature after Britney Spears’ heart. The first three HSOTM choices got the most Facebook likes, and the Cheetos-loving fourth choice was picked by me. Your choices for April’s HSOTM are:
Ms. Bristol (not pictured above, that’s the judge), the prospective juror in the sentencing trial of the Parkland school mass murderer who let Judge Scherer know that she had an extremely important conflict and that conflict was her sugar daddy who she sees every day. It worked and she was excused. But Ms. Bristol later said that she wasn’t being funny to try to get out of jury duty, she just wanted to let the judge know that she’d be out a ton of sugar daddy money ($8,000 a month) if she made the jury. Honestly, this just proves that the sugar babies need to unionize and Ms. Bristol is the one to lead them!
The Murder, She Wrote Board Game, the 1985 board game that brought upon the mystery of Why The Hell Would They Turn Murder, She Wrote Into A Board Game?! And I hope the answer to that mystery was, “So Angela Lansbury can get another check!”
The Snickers Dick Vein, the “dick vein” on a Snickers bar that nearly caused a nationwide panic attack when the rumor went around that Snickers got rid of it. But thankfully that was just a hurtful lie, which is the best of news for us hard-up, dick-hungry hos who actually think that the chocolate wrinkle on a Snickers bar looks like a dick vein.
The Cheetos-Loving Javelina, the javelina (which also goes by the less glamorous name of skunk pig) who trespassed into an open Subaru to steal a bag of Cheetos and then got trapped inside. Doesn’t that just sum up life? You find yourself some delicious goodies and before you know it, you get trapped in a car and the cops have to come out and rescue you. And then everyone knows you as the javelina who got trapped in a Subaru while stealing Cheetos.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be named in this space and in Night Crumbs next Friday, May 20 on Monday, May 23!
UPDATE: The votes are in and the javelina is a Hot Slut of the Month grand champion thanks to getting almost 40% of the votes. May the Hot Slut javelina of Arizona find a giant bag of Cheetos in a Subaru and NOT trapped in it this time. Thanks to all who voted!
Pics: YouTube, BoardGameGeek, Snickers, Yavapai County Sheriff’s Office
Who Is March’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Luke, the shelter dog who made us dead-hearted assholes feel something on the inside when he was the only guest at his Valentine’s Day meet-and-greet, is now our Hot Slut of February 2022 thanks to getting 46% of the votes. And now let’s move on to crowning March’s HSOTM, which has come down to a breakout star of THAT moment at the Oscars, a fuckery jewel from the Bizarre Cartoon Hall of Fame, a dog who was dumped by his caca-brained owners for “being gay,” and a Chihuahua ballerina for the ages! The first three picks got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for March are:
Lupita Nyong’o’s Many Faces, the journey that Lupita Nyongo’s facial expressions took us on when she realized that Will Smith spanking Chris Rock in the face at the Oscars was a real moment and not fake. Lupita’s expressions easily replaced Kylie Jenner as the poster child for The Year Of Realizing Stuff.
Laverne & Shirley In The Army, the 1981 Laverne & Shirley cartoon where Laverne and Shirley joined the army and were bossed around by Porky Pig’s butch sergeant cousin. Laverne and Shirley also fought aliens and time-traveled in their cartoon. It was just another work of art that proved that the 80s was a helluva drug.
Oscar (formerly Fezco), the doggy whose idiotic ex-humans dumped him at a shelter because he humped on another dude dog and they didn’t want a “gay dog” in their house. But he got a big gay happy ending because he was adopted by a gay couple who have renamed him Oscar after Oscar Wilde. So Oscar is now living his best gay life!
Joya, the Chihuahua who brought grace, elegance, and high-powered talent to the Crufts international dog show when she performed a stirring rendition of Swan Lake with her human. Actually, I shouldn’t call it just a “stirring rendition” since that cheapens it. I need to call it what it is which is the new GOLD STANDARD of Swan Lake performances!
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be announced in this space and in Crumbs on Wednesday, April 13!
UPDATE: Oscar the “gay dog” has prevailed! Oscar is now March’s HSOTM with nearly 50% of the votes. Thanks to all who voted!
Pics: Twitter, IMDB, Stanly County Animal Protective Services, Twitter
Who Is February’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
The Calm Librarian easily won the first Hot Slut of the Month of 2022, which means that the memaws and pepaws could take the Hot Slut of the Year crown for the second year in a row. But the year is still young (I mean, my brain is still in January) and there are still 11 HSOTMs to crown. That brings us to February’s HSOTM showdown, which is down to a vet with a patient soul, a shelter dog whose Valentine’s Day party no one showed up to, a hero police officer who saved a kid from getting run over in a crosswalk, and the mom who showed up to her reporter son’s job to say hi. As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for February are:
Dr. Thomas Hamilton, the Rhode Island vet who won hearts and loins in a TikTok where he patiently earned the trust of a scared dog who finally was like, “Okay, okay, I’ll ignore that mini ponytail and trust your ass!”
Luke, the shelter dog from Kent, England who was the honoree at a Valentine’s Day party that the shelter threw to find him a forever home (since they were having trouble finding one). Nobody showed up to that party. The image of Luke sitting alone at his party is the pure visual definition of HEARTBREAK. But there’s no need for all of us to go on over to Kent to yell at people for not showing up to Luke’s party because it look like he’s been adopted. FINALLY, some good news.
Corporal Annette L. Goodyear, the North East Police Department officer from Maryland who heroically saved a student from getting hit by a car while doing crosswalk duty. Hopefully, the school and police department gave Officer Goodyear a crossing guard crown to wear so that its shining brilliance will temporarily blind drivers forcing their asses to slow down and stop.
Typical Sandi, the mom who gave the internet a sweet moment when she dropped in on her reporter son unannounced as he was getting ready to report from the field. And that’s how Typical Sandi became my favorite local news segment without actually being a local news segment.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be announced in this space and in Crumbs on Wednesday, March 23!
UPDATE: Luke, who was once the only guest at his own party, is now the belle of the Hot Slut ball thanks to getting 46% of the vote. All hail, Luke!
Pics: Instagram, Battersea Dogs & Cat Home, Cecil County Sheriff’s Office, Instagram