Category: Hot Slut of the Month

Robert Smith Is March’s Hot Slut Of The Month!

April 12, 2019 / Posted by:

“Bitch, it only took your stupid ass 32 years,” said my emo cholita cousins who worship The Cure and have been waiting for Robert Smith to be Hot Slut of the Month before Hot Slut of the Month even existed.

Robert Smith has won the crown of Hot Slut of March 2019, and it isn’t because of his music or because he’s one of the gods to emo cholitas everywhere or because of his electrocuted goth nana glamour. It’s because of this priceless moment at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony when he came face-to-face with the sheer definition of entertainment reporter PERKINESS and gave us full Robert Smith. This is like watching a gorgeous black cloud cover the sun!

So because of that moment, Robert Smith won 49% of your votes, easily taking down Jason Hardesty (31%), Life Savers Creme Savers (12%), and Dream Glow Barbie (8%).

Robert Smith will now go on to next year’s Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals, and no, he’s not as excited as you are about it. Not even close.

Thanks to all who voted!



Who Is March’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

April 5, 2019 / Posted by:

We’re over a quarter into 2019 and it’s turning out to be as much of a charbroiled tonsil stone as 2018 was. But there are some things to look forward to like who will be crowned March’s Hot Slut of the Month! This month we’ve got two pink icons of the past, one awkwardly shady icon of the past and today, and a future icon who is working to stop the war between delivery people and dogs!

The first three HSOTDs got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for March are:

Dream Glow Barbie, the Barbie from the 80s who not only achieved a new kind of glamour with her eyebrow game and “wet Smurf fart” eyeshadow, but was also a vision in glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars glamour.

Life Savers Creme Savers,  the drops of Life Savers decadence that provided sweet, sweet luxury to tongues in the 80s and 90s.

Robert Smith, who obviously needs no introduction but does need to be honored for being so on-brand and representing glum goths everywhere by checking a reporter who was every shade of PERKY.

Jason Hardesty, the UPS driver who slathers his Instagram page with aww-inducing pictures of puppies he meets on his delivery route. Yes, he’s quickly becoming traitor #1 to catmanity, but he’s still making the world a cuter place.

Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned next Friday, April 12!

Pics: Flickriver, Amazon, Twitter, Instagram


February’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is….

March 13, 2019 / Posted by:

Billy Porter’s Oscars Tuxedo Gown!

Seen above riding away from the Oscars on his royal chariot while all of the trophies the winners gave to him for stealing the show are safely tucked under his majestic gown of velvet perfection, Billy Porter can add another illustrious title to his resume: Hot Slut of the Month winner! Well, technically, his Christian Siriano-made tuxedo gown has won that title.

At last month’s Oscars, Billy Porter became the sole reason why stylists ended up with a red palm print on their face. They all got slapped down by their clients who were pissing shit over being shown up by Billy Porter and his black velvet, if you please, regalness. And this month, Billy Porter’s Oscar Tuxedo Gown is February’s Hot Slut of the Month with 64% of your votes. It easily blew away the competition with a twirl. It beat Roper and Cricket (22%), the “After These Messages” singers (8%), and Olive Garden’s breadstick bouquet (6%).

Billy Porter’s Oscar Tuxedo Gown will now go on to the Hot Slut of 2019 semi-finals. Thank you to all who voted! And if you’ve ever got a HSOTD idea that you don’t think I’ve done, put on a pair of gloves before shoving it into my inbox.

Pic: Instagram


Towel Cat Is January’s Hot Slut Of The Month!

February 27, 2019 / Posted by:

Sure, Towel Cat doesn’t have the bank account of Grumpy Cat, the icon status of Maru, or the millions of Instagram followers that Nela Cat™ has, but this hot bitch has something they will never have: the title of Hot Slut of January 2019! And above is Towel making a face that clearly says, “Can’t you tell that I’m bursting with happiness on the inside over winning such an illustrious title?

It only took Towel Cat rebelliously swatting folded towels in a 30 second video to win you all over, but hey, that’s a true talent compared to what we usually post on this site. Towel Cat won 34% of your votes, taking down The Texas Walmart Blossom (32%), The Fiji Water Girl (25%), and Bad Chiitan (9%).

In case you need to be reminded why Towel Cat is our current reigning HSOTM, here’s Towel Cat being a Bed, Bath and Beyond employee’s biggest nightmare by knocking down towels and not giving even half a fuck while doing so.

A member of the animal kingdom hasn’t won Hot Slut of the Year since STAINS in 2009, so will Towel Cat be the one to finally take the crown? Maybe, that’s if Towel Cat’s nemesis Marie Kondo doesn’t toss ’em into the donation bin after declaring TC doesn’t spark joy.

Pic: YouTube


Who Is January’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

February 21, 2019 / Posted by:

The first Hot Slut of the Month battle of 2019 is coming around a little late, because our Hot Slut of 2018 was crowned on January 25, and I wanted to give Queen Judge Rosemarie Aquilina enough time to elegantly sashay across the catwalk while waving at her new loyal subjects. Or maybe I was waiting to see if she’d use her powers to shut down this lump of dried smegma balls called a blog for giving her the title of Hot Slut of the Year. But she hasn’t, so we’re in the clear! For now.

So now let’s vote for who should be in the running to inherit Queen Judge Rosemarie’s illustrious HSOTY crown next year (and again, that’s if she doesn’t use her judicial powers to shut this bitch down). As always, the first three got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the last HSOTM finalist is a wild card picked by me. Your choices for January are:

The Fiji Water Girl, the model (government name: Kelleth Cuthbert) who turned the Golden Globes into The Fiji Water Girl Extravaganza (featuring the Golden Globes) when she won a gold medal in photobombing by stealing dozens of shots from celebrities. She’s also given us the legal drama of 2019 with The Fiji Water Girl vs. Fiji Water.

The Texas Walmart Blossom, the new mascot of Walmart who got the cops called on her in Wichita Falls, TX  after she drank wine out of a Pringles can while riding a mobility scooter through the emporium of elegance that is Walmart. That picture I used above is from an Etsy store selling Pringles can wine tumblers inspired by this modern day Lady Godiva.

Towel Cat, Marie Kondo’s nemesis who lives to fuck up your neatly-folded towels. Or maybe that puss is a future-seer and knew about the stupid towel fight that was going to go down on Twitter and that was its reaction to it.

Bad Chiitan, the unofficial mascot of Susaki City in Japanese who wreaked havoc and spread fuckery all across the city and created the real political drama we want.

Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be announced next Wednesday!

Pics: Getty, Etsy, YouTube, Instagram


Who Is The Final Hot Slut Of The Month Of 2018?

January 3, 2019 / Posted by:

We made it through 2018, and I’m sure that once we crawled out of that impacted shit chute of horribleness, we all (read: me, just me) said, “I only made it through because I need to know who Miss Hot Slut of 2018!” But before we find out who will succeed Winona Ryder’s Many Faces as the Hottest Hot Slut to Hot Slut the Hot Sluttiest in 2018, we need to find out who has taken the last Hot Slut of the Month spot of the year.

Every time we do this shit, I say that this month’s choices are a real motley crew, but I mean it this time. We’ve got a typo, some cereal, inflatable dragons, and the most glamorous Marvel character who isn’t a Marvel character. That’s like the start of an Aristocrats joke. As it goes with every damn HSOTM contest, the first three finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth was picked my me. Your choices for December’s HSOTM are:

The Julia Roberts’ holes typo, the instantly legendary typo that The Post-Journal of Jamestown, NY made about Julia Roberts and her holes that get better with age. It may have been a typo, but my hole still wants to slide up to Julia Roberts’ holes (not in a scissor sister way, you gutter-brained bitches!) and ask them what their secrete is. That was another typo that stays.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros, the cereal that is probably just churros-shaped Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but call anything a churro, and mouths will slobber as we reach for the insulin.

The Christmas Dragons, the inflatable lawn dragons who caused a neighbor to shit out a flame of Christian rage over those dark-sided Christmas decorations. The neighbor was off base and wrong since we all know the Three Wisemen were Puff the Magic Dragon, Smaug, and Mushu.

Super Bitch, the sparkly wonder of hot pink badassness who drop kicked late into 2018 to let assholes know that he’s going to drop kick their asses all through 2019.

Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be announced on Tuesday, January 8th, and that’s when we’ll begin voting on the biggest title in the universe in the world on the internet on this site!

Pics: Twitter, General Mills, Twitter, YouTube


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