Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Kevin, the gutter-brained Wheel of Fortune contestant who’s a perv after my own heart. If the phrase, “after my own heart,” was an almost-complete Wheel of Fortune clue that looked like, “Af_ _r My Own _ _ _R _,” Kevin would definitely answer, “After My Own Hard-On!” Oh, Kevin.

Kevin got his 15 seconds of internet fame last night after he saw the clue above before him and thought he conquered that bitch when his brain (which is run by the same horny fuel as mine) high-fived itself while saying, “Bro, it’s totally ‘A Streetcar Naked Desire.‘” Paul made everyone at home do the face-to-palm move when he asked the owner of the greatest job in the world, Vanna White, to show him a K. While everybody d’oh’d at Kevin’s dumb mistake, that perv in plugs, Pat Sajak, probably got moist in the tip while thinking about a porn version of A Streetcar Named Desire. 

Sure, everyone can make fun of Kevin’s fuck-up, but I’m pretty sure he was thinking of a work by Tennessee Williams’ lesser known brother, San Fernando Valley Williams. San Fernando Valley Williams’ other works include The Ass Menagerie, The Rose Tittoo and Cat On A Hot Tin Poon. Now who’s the uneducated one?!

I’m sure that Kevin’s answer will make complete sense when someone discovers his Reddit username and finds out that he regularly posts in objectophilia threads about how he really gets the tingles for streetcars.

Pic: CBS Television

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

March 21, 2017 / Posted by:

Company B!

After Exposé became the biggest girl group in the history of girl groups (yes, that’s a fact and ignore the fraudulent info that claims otherwise), several Exposé-like girl groups were born. Usually the knock-off version of anything is made of lower quality and doesn’t even come close to matching the magnificence of the original (see: Sofia Vergara to Charo, Parasite Hilton to Angelyne, Courtney Stodden to Amanda Lepore, Bella Thorne to Phoebe Price, Justin Bieber to My Child dolls, etc…), but not Company B! Company B’s moves, vocals, style and glamour earned a place on the upper echelons of YES.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Little Tikes Country Cottage Playhouse!

One my friends’ little sister had one of those, and yes, their asses were rich. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Shut the hell up, Michael, I had one of those and my family wasn’t rich,” I need to tell you something: Shut the hell up, your family was rich, stop denying. But anyway, I thought that Little Tikes sold these Country Cottage Playhouses in the mid-80s, but after doing extensive research (read: a 5 second Google search), I discovered that they made their debut in the fall of 1989. Now, in the year 1989, my ass and my friend’s ass were way too old to be playing in a Little Tikes Country Cottage Playhouse, but we did.

We mostly just sat in there and flipped through his mom’s Redbook magazines in between telling his little sister to stop knocking on the door and get away, because squatters have overtaken her spot and have forcibly evicted her.

Little Tikes still makes plastic playhouses today, but they no longer come in the shades of the 80s (pastels). So if you or your parents still have a pastel-colored Little Tikes Country Cottage Playhouse in the backyard, make sure you immediately contact your local government and ask them to declare it a historical landmark. Because it is truly an important work of architecture!

Pic: Pinterest

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 19, 2017 / Posted by:

The Little Professor!

If yesterday’s HSOTD, the Echo Mini Piano, turned chirrun into a master pianist, then The Little Professor turned every kid who played with it into Sir Isaac Fucking Newton! Texas Instruments, who later gifted the world with Speak & Spell, released The Little Professor in 1976, and it was apparently the first electronic education toy. If you played with one of these as a kid, this is the part where you let the brats know that in your day, you used your little electronic tablet thing to actually learn shit and you didn’t use it to like a stupid Instagram post starring Kylie Jenner’s double shellacked plastic turkey or chase those Pokemons! And after you do that, turn the water hose on those kids until they get off your lawn.

Using The Little Professor was easy, you’d turn it on, choose your difficulty level and then answer the equation he spit up at you. If you got it right, you’d move on to the next one. If you got it wrong, you got two more chances to get it right. If you got it wrong after three tries, The Little Professor would pull an, “ugh, I can’t with your dumb ass,” and just give you the answer.

Texas Instruments doesn’t make The Little Professor anymore (they did put out a solar version in the early-aughts), but you can get one on eBay. There’s also a Little Professor app for Android.

I bet if I played with The Little Professor now (that sounded sexy and it didn’t mean to), I’d make him combust with my mathematical knowledge! I’d answer every single equation right the first time, and only because after he hit with me a problem, I’d say to my iPhone, “Hey, Siri, what’s 3 times 3?”

Pic: Like Totally 80s

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Echo Mini Piano!

Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart and Schroeder from Peanuts didn’t have shit on us children of the 80s. We all became instant master pianists when our fingers tickled the plastic on Bösendorfer’s biggest competition: the Electron Echo Mini Piano from Taiwan! The Echo Mini Piano came in a luxurious vinyl case and from what my coagulated pile of brain meat remembers, it was sold in Big Lots-type stores and vending machines. My mom bought mine at the swap meet and I wore that thing out. I played it even when it croaked out warbling, mumbling notes from its battery dying. I squeezed every last sound out of it. I think I went through two or three of them, because I was addicted to the feeling of burning up on the inside as I attacked that piano with my hands like a crazed virtuoso! Or something.

The Echo Mini Piano also came with a little booklet that had history’s most difficult songs in it. Every key on the Mini Piano had a number on it and you’d just hit the number on the book to create art for the ears and soul!

echominipiano1

You can still find the Mini Piano on eBay and I am so damn tempted to buy one. And if I do, don’t be surprised if in a few years you see a poster outside of Carnegie Hall that reads: Carnegie Hall Is More Than Proud To Present… Master Echo Mini Pianist Michael K! 

Pics: eBay.ca

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Cookie O’ Puss!

I’m wearing a green-free outfit and not-so-patiently waiting to hit the gay bars at happy hour so that everyone can pinch me because that’s one of my kinks, and that could mean only one thing: it’s St. Patrick’s Day! It’s the day where some of us fill our drinking holes with green, brown, white and any-color-it-doesn’t-matter liquid, and end up passed out on a stranger’s front lawn after climbing random trees to find the elusive Alabama leprechaun. (Actually, that’s how most of my Friday nights end.)

In honor of the day where sweaty, drunk bros end up taking off their shirts while fighting outside of the bar as their drunk girlfriends barf into the gutter, let’s pay tribute to the one and only Cookie O’ Puss!

Cookie O’ Puss is the stoner (look at those green eyes) and drunk Irish buddy of Dina Lohan’s arch rival (besides dignity, shame and a real job) Cookie Puss! Sometime during the 1980s, Carvel created the Cookie O’ Puss cake, which is made up of ice cream, a snow cone, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate crunchies, shredded coconut and frosting. They still sell it today. After boozing all night, it’s the perfect thing to shove your face into. And when you get the barfs in the early morning hours, your vom will have a sweetness to it!

I haven’t seen the Cookie O’Puss commercial in a while, and I forgot how it’s kind of scary and it feels like the Cookie Pussies are nibbling on my soul. And that’s a good thing today. Because it gives me a very good reason to drink early!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, tramps! I hope that you’ll get to pat the (Cookie O) puss with your tongue today!

Pic: Carvel

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