Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Missy Elliott’s Funky White Sister Is August’s Hot Slut Of The Month! (IMPORTANT UPDATE)

September 12, 2018 / Posted by:

The animal kingdom’s control over the Hot Slut of the Month throne has come to an end. The last five HSOTM crowns have been worn by an animal, but the humans have snatched it back for August.

Mary Halsey, the new White Queen of Rap, has another illustrious title. She’s now the reigning Queen of Hot Sluts. Missy Elliott’s funky white sister, who dropped pure fire onto some BBQ in a park, got 47% of your votes. Peacemaker Dog was on Mary Halsey’s tail for a bit, but the 37% of votes they got wasn’t enough to keep the HSOTM title with the animals. Jessie The Charming Parrot got 11% of the votes and The Padres Game Dance Machine got 5%.

Mary now joins Judge Rosemarie Aquilina and The Tutu-Wearing Ice Crasher as the humans who will battle an army of Hot Slut animals in the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals next year.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

Our reigning HSOTM joined rap forces with Missy Elliott on an episode of Ellen airing today. We don’t need a Maury DNA test to prove these two are obviously sisters, because their identical flow tells all!

Mary Halsey also got a jacket that read “Missy’s Funky White Sister” on the back of it from Ellen. Strangely enough, Ellen didn’t also give Mary and Missy the contents of all of her bank accounts as a gift for being the best thing to happen to her show. Weird, I know.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 12, 2018 / Posted by:

The bong-wielding thief fighter!

Four wannabe robbers in Ontario, Canada tried to rob a weed shop, probably thinking that it’d be an easy job since the workers are most likely stoners whose “give a fuck” mechanism in their brain doesn’t work thanks to all the good shit they smoke up on a minutely basis. But they messed with the wrong one, and obviously haven’t heard of the saying by Edward Bulwer-Lytton: The bong is mightier than some bear spray!

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Hot Slut Of The Day! 

September 11, 2018 / Posted by:

Mother’s Fudge Flaky Flix!

On this here blog, I used to make it one of my missions to keep the memory of Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies alive. When Mother’s went broke and filed for bankruptcy ten years ago, my eyes squirted out several tears over the loss of the most delicious way to get diabetes: Circus Animal Cookies. Tongue palates temporarily stopped working, because what is the point of trying to taste food if one of the most delicious foods of them all was no longer available? But then the dark clouds cleared and we all declared we could live again after Kellogg’s bought all of Mother’s recipes and made mouths jizz again by selling Circus Animal Cookies. Circus Animal Cookies are available in stores right now… until PETA goes after Kellogg’s and makes them change the name to Wild Not Caged Animal Cookies.

But while the cookies that look like gay animals after getting jizzed on by a rainbow are available to our mouths, there’s some Mother’s cookies that Kellogg’s hasn’t brought back yet. Fudge Flaky Flix falls under that category.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 10, 2018 / Posted by:

Slap yourself raw if you just said, “Angelina needs to stop!Angelina Jolie’s leg doesn’t have the power to make your loins quiver into a coma and your nipples slobber out streams of saliva, which is what I’m sure happened to you when that picture hit your screen. That leg, today’s HSOTD, belongs to Queer Eye’s resident stallion of hotness, Jonathan Van Ness, who had the people choking on raw sex by delivering an exposed hairy limb at the Creative Arts Emmys last night.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 9, 2018 / Posted by:

Dash Dog!

The next time you need to dig deep within yourself to find the will to resist something (examples: resist eating an entire thing of ice cream, resist some good dick attached to an asshole, etc…), think of Dash Dog. If Dash Dog can resist eating a delicious hot dog long enough for his human to take a picture in the name of Instagram fame, you can resist anything! (Real talk: You’re probably going to eat that entire thing of ice cream and bounce on that asshole dick anyway, but at least you can say you tried to resist for a split second thanks to Dash Dog.)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 8, 2018 / Posted by:

The DGAF chicken who left her mark on freshly paved cement!

Workers in Mooroolbark, which is a suburb of Melbourne in Victoria, Australia, were minding their own damn business, and doing their work, when a feathery bundle of trouble strut on in like she owns the bitch. The workers had just paved a new sidewalk, and were probably looking forward to resting their arms, but one chicken wasn’t having it. That chicken gave them a little preview of what’s going to happen when chickenmanity finally takes over the world. They’re going to fuck shit up for the humans. But well, in the end, the chicken got tricked and the workers came up with a way to distract her as they cleaned up her tracks.

So we were working away in a busy suburban area when I look up to find a nothing but a chicken walking through all our freshly paved work. We bullfloated the concrete and chicken got distracted by the yellow star picket caps and pecked at them for the rest of the job.

As for what happened to that chicken, I am not going to picture those workers leaning back in their chairs after a long day, and relaxing with a beer and a plate of buttermilk fried troublemaker. No, that chicken just made them think they tricked her ass and she’ll be back.

Because just like her American poultry cousin Phoebe Price, she just can’t stay away from the stroll.

Pic: YouTube

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