Category: Hot Slut of the Day
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Aldi’s Dick-Shaped Easter Marshmallows!
Easter is less than a month away on March 9, so of course, companies have been using the resurrection of Jesus to try to resurrect their sales with Easter stuff. That’s not shocking. But what is shocking is that there are customers who are actually buying up Easter shit today when it will be 50% off on March 10! But I can’t hate on the ALDI customer who recently bought a bag of “marshmallow bunnies & chicks.” Because it looked less like a bag of marshmallow bunny and chick friends and more like Aldi’s way of letting us all know that we need to eat a bag of dicks!
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Altoids Tangerine Sours!
Altoids have been around so long that I’m sure Keith Richards used one of its first-run tins to hold his coke and straw (they came out in the 1780s). I didn’t discover Altoids until junior high school. When I did, you’d think that THE QUEEN herself just anointed me Lady of The Opulent Mints by how I offered those drugstore mints out as though they were edible diamonds in a vintage platinum case. I thought that because they came in a tin, they were the peak of decadence! And if Altoids Sours were around when I was in junior high school, I definitely would’ve handed them out all regal-like, and my bullies definitely would’ve said to me, “Oh, look something that’s almost as fruity and sour as you!”
Hot Sluts Of The Day!
The Group of Memaws Who Paid Tribute to Rihanna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show!
Rihanna’s Baby Reveal EXTRAVAGANZA masquerading as the Super Bowl Halftime Show brought mixed reviews. Some were into it. Some made fun of Rihanna for being like me at a friend’s paint party (read: doing the least while everyone does the most), but in her defense, she does have a fetus in her womb and wasn’t looking to give her unborn child a twerking-induced case of the dizzies. Others responded to RiRi’s performance by throwing themselves across their living room to cover the eyes of their innocent children from the sinful sight of a fully covered Rihanna keeping it all the way tame. And then there were the ladies of Arcadia Senior Living in Bowling Green, Kentucky, who responded to RiRi’s Halftime show by doing their own little recreation of it, which is now RiRi-approved!
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Totally Not Creepy Remote Kissing Device For Long-Distance Lovahs!
Good news for long-distance lovers who are sick of constantly having to wipe the dried saliva (and other) marks from their phones from tongue-ing the screen while “making out” with their piece. Inventors at Changzhou Vocational Institute of Mechatronic Technology in China must have watched that tongue telephone scene from Nightmare on Elm Street one too many times because they have invented a device for long-distance sweethearts to “kiss each other” with. Oh yeah, I’m sure “kissing” is what horny long-distance hos are going to use that thing for.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Little Red Riding Hood from a 1984 commercial for Sugar Free Dr. Pepper!
Companies using fairy tales as a capitalist tool to sell their shit is nothing new. Although, I’m sure that the ghosts of The Brothers Grimm beam with immense pride every time their character is used in an ad, like the time Snow White was used to push a 1-900 chat line for kids! But one fairy tale-themed commercial that seemed to live in my brain for eons and played throughout the 1980s was one from Sugar Free Dr. Pepper. It starred a Little Red Riding Hood who wasn’t your grandma’s Little Red Riding Hood… unless your grandma grew up in the 1980s, and then your ass just called me old.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Conair Impressions!
Just as the era of beautiful fuckery known as the 80s was coming to a close, Conair decided to end the decade of decadence with a completely useful beauty tool that turned your hair into a work of opulent art! Or something. Conair Impressions was a styling tool that ALLEGEDLY took your hair to high levels of Rainbow Brite and Jem-like elegance by embedding shapes into your hair. So basically, it was the crimping iron’s attention whore cousin who was always redefining “extra.”