Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

The dog friend who heroically saved the pussy who got its head stuck in a cup!

I don’t know why this keeps happening, but it’s Monday again. Since it’s Monday, you’re either going after a rock that keeps rolling into a pond or you’re stumbling around with a red cup stuck on your head as some mean human stands there and films your ass. If you’re in NYC and preparing for The Day After Tomorrow to become your real-life, then you’re scrambling around with a red cup over your head, buying the necessities (booze, lube, a portable generator to power your iPhone just in case the power goes out, because being stuck inside without access to PornHub is a real tragedy). We’re all just stumbling around with our heads stuck in a cup hoping that a Captain Save-A-Ho will help us out.

In this highly important video, a cat gets into trouble when its head gets stuck in a cup and it walks around for a bit before a dog friend does that pussy a solid by pulling that cup off of it. Once again, dog friends teach all of us a lesson. Even though that cat is the dog’s sworn enemy, it still puts their differences aside to help a bitch in need out. This video is truly the key to world peace.

During the cringe-inducing Q&A part of the Miss Universe pageant last night (side note: Miss Jamaica was ROBBED), Miss USA was asked what her message to the terrorists is. Miss USA should’ve answered with, “Why the fuck are you asking me about this shit?!” But instead, she copy + pasted her answer from Miss Congeniality by saying: “I know as Miss USA I can always spread a message of hope and love and peace, and I would do my very best to spread that message to them and everyone else in the world.”

What she should’ve said is, “I would tell the terrorists, ‘Terrorists, we’re all just stumbling around with our heads stuck in a red cup. So why don’t you stop with the killing and beheading and ugly threats and pull a red cup off of a ho in need instead? Let’s learn from our dog friends.” Bitch would’ve won if she said that.

via Tastefully Offensive 

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 25, 2015 / Posted by:

The Silver Man with hot, sweet moves from the video for Da Dip by Freak Nasty!

Yesterday, I went into a store to get water and Ding Dongs (you know, the usual) and I was taken back in time to 1997 when the song Da Dip by Freak Nasty played. I almost dropped my bottle of water, put my hands on my hips and thrusted my body like the end of the world was coming. But I knew that if I did that, they’d think I was having some kind of seizure and call 911. I’d end up with a $5,000 ER bill that I couldn’t pay, so I decided to resist the urge to thrust my shit in the store to Da Dip.

Da Dip came out in 1996, but it took about a year for it to become a hit and it went on to sell more than one million copies. Wikipedia says that Freak Nasty’s first album sold 5 million copies and his last contribution to the music game was in 2007. Hopefully, he’s now spending his time lying on the beach of the private island he bought with that Da Dip money and nibbling grapes hand fed to him by dancing robotic silver men like the hot one in the video.

I looked up the video for Da Dip last night and was reminded of its low-ass-budget brilliance. It’s like a Fanta commercial with zero budget and special effects by Fred and Sharon. It’s so 90s that it’s almost too 90s. There’s no way we dressed like this in the 90s. Every singe one of these outfits was definitely bought from the clearance section at Merry-Go-Round. But the true star of this video is that tiny Silver Man in the View-Master who kills it and is a special effects wonder.

If you asked every single Best Special Effects Oscar winner from the late 90s and beyond what inspires them and pushes them to go farther and do better, they wouldn’t even have to think before saying, “The dancing Silver Man from the Da Dip video.” I mean, is there any other answer?

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

This dog who proves that the struggle is real and the struggle never ends.

This video is the visual metaphor for life. Aren’t we all just a dog going after a rock in the pond? When life throws us a rock into a shallow pond, we go after that rock and we show our asses and get wet while doing so. After we’ve finally pulled out that rock and dropped it on the ground, we’re ready to celebrate our victory by toking up and getting drunk on wine coolers. Just when we’re about to shuffle off to the bar, that goddamn shitty rock has to roll back into the pond and we have to do it all over again while some mean bitch laughs at us and records it to send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos. You know, because life’s struggles are funny.

That poor ass dog. I bet that rock still rolled into the water after he put it on the grass and he’s still fetching it to this day.

via Buzzfeed (For Theresa)

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Skintimate Peaches and Raspberry Rain shaving gels!

I shave the parts I need to shave with an electric shaver, shampoo and a BIC (no, I won’t get into what bits I shave, because it’s too early in the day, month and year for that mess), so I don’t really pay attention to shaving cream all that much. And no, I don’t get into that shaving cream fetish stuff. Stop it, it’s too early. So anyway, reader Becks made me think of Skintimate shaving gel the other day when she sent in a HSOTD request for Skintimate Peaches and Raspberry Rain shaving gels. Skintimate is still around today, but ten years ago it felt like everyone used it to shave their stufft, because people just couldn’t get enough of shaving themselves with gel cream that smelled like a cross between a dessert topping and a Bath & Body Works queef.

I don’t know how popular Peaches and Raspberry Rain were, but Skintimate really pushed those scents hard. (Side note: I never smelled Raspberry Rain, but I’m guessing it smelled like the sweetened nectar that drips out of Prince’s b-hole when he hits a high note. ) It felt like the commercial played every other second and you couldn’t escape it. It was hypnotic and I’m pretty sure it was a brainwashing tool. Caution: If you press play on the commercial below, prepare to spend your day chanting the words, “Skintimate Peaches or Raspberry Rain” over and over again.

I bet detectives use that question as an interrogation tactic. Trying to choose between Skintimate Peaches and Raspberry Rain will break anybody down. How can you choose?!

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Hot Slut Of The Day

January 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Dave, the freak machine in Khloe Kardashian-approved ass pads, 1970s hustler shorts and fuck me heels who twerks, struts and drops it like there’s money to be made in the British commercial for something called MoneySuperMarket.

I don’t what a MoneySuperMarket is (A supermarket where rich people just throw their money away? Isn’t that called Whole Foods?), but I do know that watching this young Vladimir Putin-looking ass hot bitch (he puts the “puta” in Vladimir Putin) in coochie cutters rule the ho stroll with his money-making click clack strut and drop that ass like Jon Hamm’s dick is below it made me want to throw dollar bills at my screen. Dave moves like a chicken on Ecstasy suffering from an itchy anus. Get it, Dave. Make those hos salivate.

You know, at first, I was kind of “eh” about this commercial, because I’m sure John Travolta does this same strut all the time while leaving the Scientology Centre after having a really good audit. But then one of the YouTube comments really sold me on it.

This disgusting filth marks a paradigm shift in TV adds. Overt,offensive,unfunny displays a poverty of creative thought on the part of the makers. Not at all surprised S.O. appears. We are now on the slippery slope. Would not want my daughter to see it. Feel tainted and slightly ill.

Any commercial that makes a ho feel tainted and slightly ill is my kind of commercial. Keep fucking that chicken, Dave!

(For Glasgow and Peter)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Ernest Moniz, the US Secretary of Energy and hair star of last night’s State of the Union!

Last night was that time of year when I lay a beach towel on my living room floor, get into my thong, slather Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil all over my body and lay down to take in the hot rays that waft off of John Boehner’s charbroiled face. My Twitter timeline was full of jokes about how Boehner looks like Tan Mom’s clit and Joe Biden is the king of hype man looks, and that could only mean one thing. It was SOTU time.

I watched for two reasons: I wanted to hear President Obama pay tribute to America’s greatest citizen and biggest star, the fake baby from American Sniper, and I also watched for the looks in the audience. President Obama didn’t give it up for fake baby, but the people in the audience came through. My eyeballs got the tingles and my eyelashes nearly singed off when they were hit with the Secretary of Energy zapping all kinds of life into me with his immaculate mane game and facial expressions.

Over the next few weeks, thousands of hairstylists will hear their clients say, “Give me the Moniz, girl!” Ernest Moniz served up some “younger Ernest Borgnine as the Quaker Oats guy with a side of sass” glamour. The Dutch Boy is all grown up and he did get better with age.

Ernest Moniz’s wife should be named the US Secretary of Beauty, because apparently she cuts his gloriously gorgeous silver mop and has been doing it for years.

And Ernest Moniz totally knew he was giving us something to gag on last night:

ernestmonizhairglamour

If you think it looks hot from this angle, wait till you see it from this angle.” He really is the Secretary of Energy, because he lit me all the way up with his stunning hair game.

GIF: Tumblr

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Hot Slut Of the Day!

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Patrice Rushen!

Forget Me Nots” and “Feels So Real (Won’t Let Go)” play on my iTunes at least a couple of times a week and every time one of those songs hits my ears, I think to myself, “Has the smooth goddess Patrice Rushen ever been Hot Slut of the Day?” My iTunes played “Forget Me Nots” yesterday and I finally used my lazy ass fingers to research this important question and I got my answer: She hasn’t! I’m righting that wrong today.

Patrice Rushen still makes jazz albums today and when she’s not performing at jazz festivals, she teaches music at the Berklee School of Music in Boston and at USC’s Thornton School of Music. Before Patrice was schooling the children on how to fill the ears of the people with liquid velvet, she was pouring liquid velvet into the ears of the people with “Forget Me Nots.” “Forget Me Nots” was Patrice’s only huge hit. Patrice co-wrote, produced, sang and played some of the instruments on “Forget Me Nots.Wikipedia says that record executives originally told her ass not to bother with it because it had “flop” written all over it. Patrice released it anyway and it went to #23 on the Top 40 chart. It was in “Big” and has been sampled a million times.

Doesn’t that song make you want to put on a silky green pantsuit and a sequined tube top and sway by yourself in the middle of a weird ass looking club next to your ex-piece and his current piece until he drops her for you? I don’t even know why Patrice gets back with his skeezy ass when it’s obvious that he’s playing both. She should’ve gotten friendly with the mysteriously hot bitch in red at 2:34 mark, and together they’ve should’ve hit up another club to pick up new dudes. She made him remember, now her ass needs to forget.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Snacktime Cabbage Patch Kid, the demon doll from Hell that scalped children and ate fingers in the 90s!

Since I grew up in the era of pure fuckery known as the 80s, I had one or two Cabbage Patch Kid dolls and there was a part of me that never trusted those little bitches. Those glazed, crackhead eyes… That manufactured fake smile that was obviously hiding a diabolical kind of evil… Well, they showed their true, evil colors in 1996 when they tried to eat children alive! In 1996, Mattel unleashed a line of dolls that ate weird-looking plastic food that kids put in their plastic mouths. That dark-sided devil doll would use its jaws of death to “chew” on the food and seconds later the food would drop into the doll’s colostomy bag backpack.

The Snacktime Kid Cabbage Patch doll became one of the it toys of the 1996 holiday season and Mattel sold nearly 500,000 of them in just a few months. It didn’t take long for the public to realize that the Snacktime Kid Cabbage Patch doll should have been called the Death Time Kid Cabbage Patch doll. Shortly after Christmas, reports started coming in about stupid ass children getting their fingers and hair caught in the steel mouth of that child-eating monster. One mother in South Carolina had to call  911 when Snacktime Kid pretty much scalped her daughter:

“When I picked Carly up, the doll was attached to the back of her head. It kept rolling her hair inside the head. It pulled her hair from the root. She is completely bald all the way down the back of her head.”a

Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors really didn’t have shit on Snacktime Kid. No kids were seriously injured, but Mattel still pulled Chucky’s cousin off of the shelves and recalled the doll completely. Below is the commercial and they must have cut out the scene where the girl screams as blood shoots out of her finger stump after Death Time Kid tried to eat her hand:

As with most toys that end up in the Bitch Got Banned bin, Snacktime Kid has become a collector’s item and it gets top dollar on eBay. Play Along, who owns the Cabbage Patch Kids now, should really re-release Snacktime Kid, but they shouldn’t market it as a children’s toy. They should market it as the perfect gift for you to give your enemies. I mean, Death Time Kid will snatch the wigs off of your rivals so you don’t have to.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Bella Mia, the 3-year-old pampered rich bitch who will inherit a $1 million house and a six-figure trust fund if her humans go on to the great beyond before she does.

And now every wannabe gold digger is cursing the universe for not making them a white, fluffy Maltese puppy. Bella Mia is living every gold digger’s dream, because she lives a life of rhinestone-covered opulence and she doesn’t have to do shit for it except for shit. Rose Ann Bolasny and her husband Walter of Queens, NY got Bella Mia as a gift from one of their sons after Walter spent some time in the hospital for reasons unknown. Their son felt like Bella Mia would brighten up their lives and ever since they got her, they’ve brightened up her life by slathering her in shiny lavishness.

Rose Ann tells Barcroft (via The NY Post) that they spent $100,000 on 3-year-old Bella Mia in 2014 alone. They spent that money on weekly grooming sessions, manicures, pedicures and ridiculous ass princess outfits (she has 1,000 of them). Rose Ann didn’t say this, but I’m sure she also spent that money on getting Bella Mia’s asshole bleached and having a custom diamond-encrusted butt hole cover made. Bella Mia’s closet is bigger than a Manhattan studio apartment and they even had a star named after her. Rose Ann and Walter want to make sure that if anything happens to them, their pampered dog daughter will always be living the glamorous and luxurious life, so they pulled a Leona Helmsley. In their will, they’ve left her a $1 million vacation home in Florida and a six-figure trust fund. I’m pretty sure my dog is a one hundred percent Plushie since he only humps plush toys, but I’m still going to try to convince him to move with me to Queens so that he can woo Bella Mia into marrying him without a prenup.

If you’re thinking that Bella Mia is just a spoiled, Queens socialite who lies around all day, licking her bedazzled anus while wearing a fugly outfit that costs more than your entire wardrobe, then Rose Ann would like you to know that she does a lot of charity work. She visits children’s hospitals and the Ronald McDonald house.

“Yes, we pamper her, but Bella Mia has really donated and volunteered more time in her short 3 years of living than most people have done in a lifetime.”

Bella Mia is a real saint. She’s the reincarnation of Anna Nicole Smith AND Princess Diana.

And in this video, I don’t know if Bella Mia is saying “help me” with her eyes or if she’s checked out since she’s way too rich and pampered to think.

Sure, Rose Ann and Walter could help millions of animals by donating that cash to shelters, but then poor Bella Mia would have to wear factory-made, mass-produced, off-the-rack dresses from Petco and she wouldn’t be able to get her nails painted every week (because you know she really cares about that). How dreadful!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Manchas, the mascot of the Mexican dairy company Alpura who busts out scalding hot mooooves like he’s the finalist in a dance competition where the prize is cash and his rent, car payment, water bill and cable bill was due yesterday. Manchas’ milkshake brings all the bulls to the yard.

I thought that decades would go by before someone set the edges of my soul on fire with their blazing dance moves the way that the West Virginian Lord of the Dance did, but I thought wrong. Because in Mehico, Manchas the Cow is serving up a buffet full of dance moves and he’s doing it for free. Apparently, Manachas has been melting the mantequilla and bringing world-class entertainment to supermercados in Mexico for years.

However much the human dance machine in that Manchas suit is getting paid, they’re not getting paid enough. They’re thrusting their crotch in a hot ass cow suit for God knows how long and they don’t pass out while doing so. They’re a Plushies wet dream come to life. They’re giving it like a Zumba instructor on E.

Manchas must do this a lot and this kind of shit must happen all the time, because I don’t understand how all those people are casually walking by like “eh.” How is it possible that they’re all not dropping it low in front of Manchas and popping their ass up like a junior high school at the dance when the chaperones aren’t watching? When life hands you a turnt up cow, you push your cart to the side and get freaky next to it (No Plushie).

via Buzzfeed

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