Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

MicroMagic foods from the magical 1980s!

There’s not much info about MicroMagic foods on the internet. It doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Someone really needs to take that issue all the way up to the Supreme Court, because that’s just not right. MicroMagic was born sometime in 80s when microwaves were sort of affordable and food companies were showing us all the magical, wondrous things that the microwave can do. (We didn’t get a microwave until the late-ish 80s and when we did, it was like discovering the orgasm. When I opened up the box for the first time, the chorus to Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” played in my head.)

MicroMagic was the perfect quick food for latchkey kids and lazy bitches who didn’t want to drag their asses all the way to McDonald’s. There were MicroMagic hamburgers, fries, milkshakes and other fast food type shit. I only ate the MicroMagic fries, which apparently still exist in Japan, and since the memory bin in my brain has been fried beyond belief (probably from eating so much microwave food), I don’t remember what they tasted like. One blogger says that the burgers were sort of like cold lumps of grease (aka delicious!). I wish I could have the MicroMagic milkshake. I’m sure my mind would be blown like it’s never been blown before while watching a cup of ice cream melt in the microwave. Sorcery!

The internet tells me that MicroMagic went away in the 90s, but its commercials live on thanks to YouTube and the jingle for MicroMagic fries will live on in my head forever.

If MicroMagic still existed today, I’d probably have a freezer chest full of them in my living room. A freezer chest full of MicroMagic is a stoner’s heaven.

Pics: INSU

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Trampoline Dog! 

I’ve posted about Ride or Die bitches before, but here’s a Jump or Die bitch who is so hooked on his human’s love that he soared to new heights (Warning: That may or may not be the last stupid pun I make in this post. You’ve been warned.) to be with him. Meet Paddy, a 4-year-old devoted dog friend, and Thomas McCormack, the human he can’t be without. Thomas from Croy, North Lanarkshire in Scotland tells The Guardian that a quick second after he sat down on the train to begin his commute to work, Paddy strolled on in and took the seat next to him. Thomas was shocked. I would’ve been shocked and exploding with happiness at the same time. First comes my dog learning how to commute to work, next comes my dog learning how to do actual work. Once he figures that out, he can earn our kibble and I can spend the day sleeping and licking my own ass. (“Um, you already do that. It’s called ‘the crap you post on Dlisted.'” – you)

Thomas’ yard is fenced in, so he couldn’t figure out how Paddy got out. Thomas’ neighbors later told him that they watched Paddy use the trampoline to get over the fence. Paddy and Thomas reenacted the thrilling scene in the video below. Yes, it’s perfectly natural to sing the chorus from “Jumpwhile watching this:

I was going to point at Paddy and laugh while saying, “HA! HA! Look at the pussy whipped human’s boy,” but I am not the one to talk. In the 6th grade, I went on a camping trip with my class for a week. About a day into the trip, I started missing my mommy in a serious way and pretended to be sick hoping that my teacher would call my mom to tell her to pick me up. I know, I was way too old for that shit. They told me to take a nap and said they would call my mom if I didn’t feel better. I made a miraculous recovery about an hour later when I learned that we were having fried chicken, tater tots and cherry pie for dinner that night. So I cannot judge Paddy. And yes, I still pull that “I got the sicks so please call my mommy” trick today and yes, I pulled it at a party last week.

(For Brett and Jana S.)

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May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Tammy, the Golden Retriever and Stormy, the orphan lamb she adopted.

Well, here’s anotherdog friend adopting a down-and-out adopted animal friend in need” story for you to add to the file you look at when you need to be reminded that sometimes happy, nice things happen in this cruel shitty world.

Stormy the lamb’s life started out like a damn Lifetime movie. CTV News says she was born in a farm in Hazelridge, a small ass Canadian community in Springfield, Manitoba. Stormy’s mom just wasn’t about that maternal life and didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby lamb that came out of her baaaaah-gina .(I know, it’s too early in the week and day for that joke.) Instead of telling Stormy to have a nice life before busting out of that town on the next bus headed to the big city, her mom tried to murder her ass. Tammy and Stormy’s human, Cathy Fleury, tells CTV News that the night Stormy was born, her mean bitch of a mom beat the hell out of her and could’ve killed her. Cathy got the message loud and clear that Stormy’s mom didn’t want to be a mom. So Cathy separated Stormy from her mom and that’s when Tammy came in.

Tammy took in Stormy and is now her mom. Stormy and Tammy (Side note: That sounds like the name of a country music duo who pays the bills by working the day-shift at truck stop strip clubs in the south.) are barely ever apart

“Even though Tammy’s never had a litter, she’s so mothering to that little lamb.

I was outside working all day, and I’d turn around and they’d be (lying) under a tree sleeping, or just hanging out. They actually crawled up on the porch once and they were sleeping up there. The odd time Tammy will wander off. But, she’s a good mum.”

And if you have a post-Memorial Day hangover headache, soothe it with this awww-inducing video.

(For Karen)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

ORBITZ!

Orbitz, the gummy balls-filled fruit drink from the 90s that was gone way before its time, got the HSOTD stamp all the way back in the ancient times known as 2009, but I’m making it HSOTD again for 2 very good reasons:

1. Today is Memorial Day in the US and after we honor the fallen soldiers by buying a 25% off mattress and yelling at hos on FB who wish us a “Happy” Memorial Day, it would be nice to lounge in the backyard next to a plunge tub (aka a plastic trash can full of water) and get drunk on Orbitz-tinis. But we can’t get drunk on Orbitz-tinis, because the drink of the future that looked like an STD under a microscope went away shortly after it came out in 1994. Which leads me to…

2. Since Clearly Canadian and New York Seltzer are making their long-awaited return to our throats, Orbitz should too. Apparently, Cleary Canadian, who made Orbitz, said in 2013 that they were going to squirt out a small batch of Orbitz for us 90s hos who can’t let go and don’t want to spend $41 for a vintage bottle on eBay. But Clearly Canadian played with our emotions and left us dry, because they lied. They never gave us that limited-edition batch they promised us.

The truth is, Orbitz was pretty disgusting and that says a lot coming from a nasty gutter tramp who’s had some ultra disgusting things in his mouth before. I remember it tasting like medicine, and those intergalactic gelatin ball things were the consistency of tonsil stones. But still, they should bring it back for those of us who are thirsty for nostalgia and want to guzzle down a gross drink that answered the question, “What would it taste like if a martian busted a chunky jizz load into a bottle full of fruit-flavored Purell?

BRING BACK ORBITZ!

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May 24, 2015 / Posted by:

The first year Rob doll from Maxie’s World!

Believe it or not, The CW-fied Jem and the Holograms movie isn’t the first time that Jem has been done dirty. In 1986, Hasbro dumped Jem’s ass in the gutter after her doll line failed to sell as much as they wanted it to and they replaced her with an RC Cola version of herself: Maxie! Former HSOTD Maxie was the Rita Ora to Jem’s RiRi. Maxie was a do-gooding high school cheerleader who solved crimes on the side. The Maxie’s World cartoon came first and Hasbro hoped that Maxie would become their Barbie. They pushed out a line of Maxie’s World dolls including one of her boyfriend Rob. Yes, Rob is supposed to be in high school. That is seriously some Strangers with Candy meets reverse Tootsie shit, because he looks like a middle-aged Waffle House waitress circa 1967 masquerading as a teenage boy.

Rob was a footballer and soccer star and the most popular boy at Surfside High. I shouldn’t have to tell you that since it’s obvious. I mean, any teenage dude that has a gorgeous nest of sparkling yellow hair should be the most popular boy in school. Rob has hair like a Piggy Wiggly cashier named Doreen May who smokes Bel Air cigarettes, drives a pistachio green Ford Falcon station wagon, is known for her Jell-O molds and is the #22 Tupperware saleslady in Missouri. I’ve seen plastic Easter basket straw that looks more human than Rob’s hair does. It’s a stunning wonder:

robmaxiedollhsotd2015

Hasbro replaced this Rob doll a year later with a new Rob doll that looked like a third tier Matt Bomer impersonator. The new Rob doll looked more like the Rob in the cartoon. The Maxie toy line only lasted a few years and I’m not saying it failed because Hasbro made the wrong decision of de-glamming the Rob Doll, but well… I mean, the first Rob doll had hair like Miley Cyrus’ memaw and his eyebrows looked like sketches of a centipede. Why mess with perfection?

Pics: eBay, Amazon

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May 23, 2015 / Posted by:

The big double gay rainbow that decorated the sky above Dublin yesterday as Ireland voted on same-sex marriage!

Ireland, the glorious land of B*Witched, hippo riders, Graham Norton, A+++ eyebrow situations and one of my favorite blossoms Layla Flaherty, has pretty much made the torture device known as marriage legal for everyone! YAY! All of the votes haven’t been counted yet, but it looks like a landslide victory for the YAAASSS! side.

The people of Ireland were asked to vote on whether or not their country’s constitution should be amended to allow same-sex marriage. The BBC says that government ministers have already said that it will pass and the No side has already done the “Fuck, We Lost” shuffle of defeat. Reportedly, 70 percent of the voters in Dublin voted “yes.”

If the change goes through, which it probably will, Ireland will become the first country in the history of forever to make same-sex marriage legal through popular vote. It’s been a little over 20 years since Ireland decriminalized homosexuality.

As Buzzfeed points out, several people on Twitter posted pictures of rainbows that formed while everyone voted. It was Mother Nature voting YES twice! I’m sure that if you followed that rainbow to the end, you’ll find a bunch of gay leprechauns celebrating by dropping their leprechaun asses to the dance remix of a Westlife song.

And now I’m off to celebrate by eating a traditional Irish breakfast (aka a gigantic bowl of Lucky Charms and beer)!

Pic: @karltims

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Mooscles, the pumped up mascot of Applegate Farms.

Up until reader Bert dropped this into my inbox a few days ago, I didn’t know that Applegate Farms (aka the makers of that fancy organic bacon you splurge on when you want to feel like you’re living like Beyonce) had commercials and I really didn’t know that they had a mascot. But for a while now, they’ve been squirting out commercials starring their mascot Mooscles, the muscle piece in a cow suit that squeezed out of a bodybuilding bull’s asshole months after that cattle was implanted with an HGH capsule that was fertilized with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s nipple discharge.

In each commercial, Mooscles’ Dolph Lundgren-in-a-cow-suit-looking ass tries to convince a shopper to try his meat (which is full of hormones and stuff) and the shopper tells him that she wants all-natural meat. The commercials really make no sense to me. I mean, that buff piece in a cow suit is basically saying to them “Do you want to go out back and bone?” and each shopper is like, “Naw, it’s okay, I want to buy this package of hot dogs instead.” The HELL? Who would rather buy a package of hot dogs than have a quickie in a supermarket back alley with Kellan Lutz’s daddy in a cow suit?

Of course, some pearl clutchers were highly offended by this commercial. I found this comment from a highly offended person named Barbara on Applegate’s website:

Would just like to tell you that your commercial with the body builder in a dog costume is a crude commercial. I hope that is not the quality of your products!

Shush, nobody tell Barbara that’s not a dog costume he’s wearing. It makes me happy knowing that somewhere in the world is a person trying to play fetch with a cow.

And I hope Applegate Farms starts selling cheese-filled hot dogs soon, because I need to see that commercial.

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May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

KFC Japan’s sexy, flirty, big-tittied chicken nugget mascot! And just like that, thousands of chicks (human women, not actual chicks) found their next Slutoween costume!

KFC Japan sees McDonald’s hipster Hamburglar and raises them a sexy chicken nugget. Comedian Danny Choo laid eyes on this symbol of pure poultry fuckery at a KFC in Japan and a posted a picture of it on his Facebook page this past weekend. That chicken nugget has probably been pumped full of so many goddamn hormones that she’s grown big chichis (Chicken breasts on a chicken breast!) and Kylie Jenner-approved lips. It was bound to happen. (Side question: Are they throwing shade at legendary KFC hater Pamela Anderson by turning her into a chicken nugget?)

Cosmo says that the Japanese words inside of her talk bubble translates into: “I’ll make it boneless for you <3″ In English that means, “I think you’re saying that you’ll fuck my boner until it goes soft, but I’m not so sure.” But Redditors say that in Japanese it means, “You will fall for me.”

The sexy chicken nugget is also on KFC Japan’s website where she strikes a “come hither” pose while that horny ass Colonel Sanders and a drumstick fall in love with her and think to themselves, “I want to dip you in BBQ sauce and eat the hell out of that ass, nugget pussy, face, head, chichis, etc…” I’m not sure if KFC Japan is promoting chicken cannibalism, bestiality, sitophilia or all of the above.

And then there’s this. I don’t know what’s going on exactly, but I think she passed out after eating her own.

sexychickennugget2015

You know some sucio bitches are going to jack off to this. So if you order chicken nuggets at a KFC in Japan and wonder what kind of gravy that is on top, it’s not gravy. Also, Phoebe Price should probably contact her lawyers, because I’m pretty sure this is infringing on her look in some way.

Pic: Facebook

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May 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Steam Heat, the steamer created by international treasure Richard Simmons!

David Letterman is retiring from the late night stroll tonight after approximately 500 thousand years in the game, so today’s HSOTD is a tribute to his show and his greatest guest: Richard Simmons!

Richard Simmons is a piping hot geyser of fabulousness, so when he wants to cook vegetables the healthy way, all he has to do is blow a steamy air kiss at them and VOILA! They’re instantly steamed. But us mere mortals don’t have those powers, so years ago he put out a cooking product just for us. Steam Heat was a steamer that, duh, steamed food. All the way back in the olden days of 2006, Richard went on Letterman to push Steam Heat. Since one of Letterman’s favorite pastimes was fucking with Richard, he fucked with the dandelion of perfection again during a Steam Heat demonstration.

Letterman’s people rigged the Steam Heat so that it would “malfunction” and shoot out flames that went higher than the sparks that fly off of Richard’s head when he winks. That machine’s got ::cling cling:: steam heat AND flames of death. The hot flaming load that hit Richard’s face made him jump up out of there and grab his chest. It nearly scared the tits off of him. Rude ass Letterman! It’s a good thing that Richard doesn’t use hairspray or any other kind of hair product on his naturally tight fro. That human torch would’ve literally become a torch.

Infomercial Hell thinks that Letterman’s prank cost Richard sales. Steam Heat is no longer for sale.

If tonight’s show doesn’t end with the now reclusive Richard Simmons descending from above on a giant sparkly piece of broccoli as dozens of Steam Heats explode on the stage below him, then Letterman’s reign would have been for nothing!

Pic: Richard Simmons

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May 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Baxter, the bossy pussy in the Meow Mix commercial from 1997!

Ever since the 1970s, the Meow Mix commercials have starred a pussy moving their pussy lips to the “Meow Meow Meow” jingle. While doing research for this HIGLY IMPORTANT post, I read that the singing cat happened accidentally. Jerry Della Femina, an ad man who worked on the commercial, said that during the shoot, the ginger cat choked on cat food and the executives to decided to play the jingle over the footage for a “lip-synch effect.” That pussy almost DIED and they turned its moment of death into a cutesy bit in a damn commercial. Don Draper is so the ad executive who came up with that idea.

In 1997, Meow Mix took the “Meow Meow Meow” chant to terrifying new levels. They put out a commercial starring Baxter, a cat who could call his human on the car phone during carpool time and make demands. The commercial sent a jolt of fear through every cat owner, because if pussies could call us up and make demands, we’d be doomed and we’d go broke from trying to pay off our carphone bill.

It’s a good thing Baxter couldn’t see those haters (aka the dude rolling his eyes and the lady throwing a stank face while filing her nails), because if he could, they’d have to change their phone number all the time. They’d constantly get calls in the middle of the night from a “mysterious cat” who’d let out a “meow meow meow” in a threatening, whispery tone. And yes, a whispery “meow meow meow” translates into: “I’m going to kill you.”

(For Holly)

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