Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 1, 2015 / Posted by:

The brick that wanted no part of this criminal ass fuckery! 

Yes, this world is a jacked up place, but you know, every now and again, something happens exactly the way it should happen. Case in point: This Irish car thief tried to break into a car, but the brick wouldn’t let him be wrong. The Irish Independent says that this failed car thief is being called The Thick With The Brick, because when he tried to break a car window with a brick, the brick said “fuck no” to his antics and bounced back, hitting him in the head. And suddenly, I’m singing, “He’s a brick heeeeead,” to myself. Gerry Brady, the owner of a nearby pub, said that he and his girlfriend found the thief lying on the street with a busted face. They thought that maybe the poor dude got jumped and they tried to help him, but realized he was up to no good when he tried to grift their asses.

“He pulled himself up and said he wanted €50 for a taxi. I said ‘Not a chance, I’ve to pay for a new window mate’, that’s when he leaned in and told me he’d burn me out of the pub. I see you, I know you. I’ll burn you out. I’ll tell the gardas you beat me up. I’ll go to my solicitor.”

I’m not totally sure what, “I’ll burn you out. I’ll tell the gardas you beat me up,” means, but I do know that I need to use that line for serious at least once in my life. Gerry and his girlfriend quickly called the gardas. When the gardas picked the brick head up, he claimed that Gerry beat him up. But after the gardas watched the video from a surveillance camera, they not only found out the truth, but they also got the laugh of their lives.

“You should have heard the garda laughing when they saw the video. They were in stitches. Credit to them, they were straight out when we called and found the guy within minutes.”

And finally, here’s the full video of the dude trying to break the car window with smaller rocks before getting owned by that brick.

That brick is a national hero and I fully expect the gardas to give it a special award for its bravery and valor!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Taco Bell’s Cap’n Crunch Delights!

Because somebody’s gotta keep the diabetes medication companies in business, Taco Bell is testing the perfect breakfast of champions for the stoner on the go! They have barfed up pink donut holes covered with Cap’n Crunch Berries cereal and filled with some kind of gooey milk icing (aka condensed milk, basically). Taco Bell let FoodBeast try them out, but FoodBeast didn’t really say anything about the taste. But you know, even if FoodBeast said they tasted like sweetened dried dog shit, I’d probably still put one in my mouth because SUGAR.

For now, Taco Bell is only selling these oozing diabetes balls in Bakersfield, CA. Having been to Bakersfield many, many times, I can say that this is the most exciting thing to ever happen to Bakersfield since Tara the Hero cat threw out the first pitch at some baseball game.

Those things look like the sweetened cum-filled rainbow nutsacks of a Lisa Frank unicorn. If rainbows could grow cysts filled with sugary pus, that’s what that mess would look like. It’s like a Care Bear’s goiter. And based on those descriptions, yes, yes I would. It has milk, wheat AND fruit. It’s a well-balanced breakfast in one bite!

Pic: FoodBeast

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

THIS DRESS! Because it is the biggest thing to ever happen to civilization in the history of civilization.

I promise, this will be my last post about this goddamn dress (however, at this point, this dress is more famous and relevant than Rita Ora and we still post about her for some reason, so..), which will obviously be Time’s Person of the Year and People Magazine’s Most Intriguing Person of 2015. Surprisingly, the Internet is still standing and we’re all still alive and haven’t burned down this planet while scrapping over the color of this dress. The answer to the most important question of our time “What color IS that dress?” has finally been answered. It’s really black and blue. The mystery has been solved and now humanity can move on to less important issues like starvation, poverty, etc…

The biggest debate in history started when Caitlin McNeill posted it on Tumblr and asked everyone what colors they saw. The picture of the dress was sent to Caitlin by her friends Grace and Keir Johnston, who were getting married. A week before the wedding, Grace’s mom sent a picture of what she was planning to wear on their special day. That’s when the battle began. Grace and Keir saw different colors, so they sent it to Caitlin to see what she saw. Caitlin posted it to Tumblr and history was made.

Caitlin tells Buzzfeed that her band played the wedding, so she saw the dress in person and it is black and blue. The picture on the right is from the site that sells that dress. And yes, the dress has already sold out. Duchess Kate is now wandering the woods in a confused state, because she doesn’t understand how a dress she has never worn could sell out. That dress is still destroying lives and bringing down monarchies.

Today spent a good 3 to 4 minutes talking about this dress (because THIS IS NEWS) this morning and they talked to an eye surgeon who said that it’s a perception issue and because of the shitty lighting and quality of the picture, everyone’s brain processes the colors differently. Wired also got into the science of it all if you care.

Here’s the picture that should end this debate once and for all. It’s a picture of the mother of the bride wearing the dress at the wedding. Their faces have been blurred, because they didn’t mean to be a part of the downfall of humanity. (Or maybe they did and are working for the aliens.)

thatdresshsotd2015

If you still see a white and gold dress, then you’re obviously a deity and should start your own cult.

And the meme circle will be complete when Madonna, while wearing this dress, falls off of a llama during a performance of the Sound of Music with the Left Shark.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Vince Sly, the Santa Monica coconut vendor/holistic coach from Survivor: Worlds Apart!

The 10 millionth season of the show that makes you scream “That shit still exists?!!!!” premiered last night. This season, the three tribes have been split up by collars. There’s the blue collars (construction workers, postmen, etc…), the white collars (CEOs, office types, etc..) and the no collars, a tribe of free spirits who go where the wind takes them and don’t follow rules or live in a cubicle. I can practically hear my mom saying, “The stoners, basically,” while throwing me a “that’s your kind” side-eye.

Vince, in case you couldn’t tell from that picture of him looking like he was born and raised in Burning Man, is a part of the no collars. He’s a 32-year-old coconut vendor who has traveled all over this planet but lives in Santa Monica now. “Coconut vendor” has to be high on the list of greatest job titles. In his introduction video, Vince says that he owns Coconut Caravan, a “circus influenced but gypsy themed” coconut vending cart service that sells coconuts on the beach and at music festivals. He considers his company a PSO (a portable spiritual oasis).  In other words, Vince is truly living the dream, because not only did he invent a company where he can inhale the good shit vapors all day, but he invented a company where inhaling the good shit vapors all day is actually an asset to his business.

But on last night’s episode, Vince needed a good bong rip, because he went too hard and just needed to lie back and go with the flow like his beautiful hair feathers blowing in the wind. Vince immediately started an alliance with his tribe mate Jenn and I guess he’s just used to coochie magically falling on his face, because he got the sads and had a serious talk with her when she started getting flirty with another dude. There’s obviously something very wrong with Jenn, because who wouldn’t immediately fall in love with a spiritual coconut vendor who looks like what Ke$ha would give birth to 9 months after fucking a stoned Fabio in a pool full of coconut milk at Coachella?

Vince is also a philosopher. Just a few minutes into last night’s episode, he blew out this verbal cloud of wisdom:

“As a coconut vendor, I seek truth. I am a seer of real.”

That has to be the greatest thing I’ve ever heard all week, if not month, if not year. Coconut Vendor should be a Marvel superhero, because he’s the real seeker of truth.

P.S. – Runner-up HSOTD is this dude who tore a leaf off of a tree and ate it while riding in the back of a truck.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Elsa, the snow-shoveling Labrador!

Of course her name is Elsa. But you know, if you sat in any vet or pediatrician’s waiting room, every name called would be the name Elsa, because nearly everyone’s name is Elsa. But this Elsa’s name fits her perfectly, because she loves her family’s ice rink so much that she’ll clear it of snow and I’m pretty sure her farts sound like the chorus to “Let It Go.” But then again, at this point, doesn’t everyone’s farts sound exactly like the chorus to “Let It Go“?

Elsa’s human Greg Cox shot and edited this video of Elsa being a perfect role model to all dogs by actually doing some goddamn work. Elsa grabbed the shovel and tried to clear the snow off of the backyard ice rink. If you’re wondering why they have a backyard ice rink, it’s Canada. I think everyone in Canada is legally required to have a backyard ice rink. Greg wrote on Twitter that his dog is more than ready for hockey to start. Or maybe Elsa is just ready to laugh on the inside while watching humans bust their ass on the ice while ice skating. Whatever the case may be, Elsa is a treasure.

I’m not even lying. When I watched this yesterday, my chihuahua, who sleeps 90% of the day in a dog bed next to my desk, pulled his ass up and walked out of the room. That was the most intensive labor he did all day. If it didn’t take too much energy, he would’ve shook his head no like, “Not even here for this.” He could not lie there as I watched this pro-dog labor propaganda!

via HuffPo

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Hellman’s Dijonnaise! 

When mustard seeds and egg yolks bareback fuck, they make a sex cream called Dijonnaise. Hellman’s Dijonnaise is still around today, but I haven’t thought about it for a while (I know, why am I not thinking about Dijonnaise every single minute of the day?) until last night at Walgreens. The song “Duke of Earl” played and about 3 seconds into the song, I immediately thought to myself, “It’s the Dijonnaise song!” In the 90s, the Hellman’s Dijonnaise commercial played at least every other second of the day and the song, which was a Dijonnaise remix of “Duke of Earl,” was stuck deep inside a crevice in my brain for at least 10 years. Well, thanks to Walgreens, the Dijonnaise theme song is stuck in my brain again and will live there forever, probably. D-d-d-Dijonnaise…

(Note: It also works if you sing “d-d-d-deeeeeez nuts” instead.)

So I guess that’s it. Now that the Dijonnaise theme song has permanently moved into my head again, the last thing I’ll say on my death bed will be, “d-d-d….” On another note, I’m really surprised that a celebrity mess hasn’t named their kid “Dijonnaise” yet.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Dana Perry’s bunny tail dress! 

Nearly every other Oscar dress brought the yawns last night and I kept waiting for Sally Kirkland or Edy Williams to magically rise up out of the red carpet and inject some much needed jacked-up glamour into that boring sea of gowns made by Ambien. They’re all probably scared of being torn to shreds on Twitter and elsewhere, so they play it safe with their perfectly styled spring formal hair and Jessica McClintock bridesmaid dress. So when Dana Perry glided onto the stage looking like she was getting attacked by a pack of morbidly obese woolly bear caterpillars, she was a breath of fresh YES!

Dana Perry and Ellen Goosenberg Ken won Best Short Subject Documentary for their film Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1. Dana accepted her award in a dress that looked like a Furby dreamland to me, but probably looked like a nightmare to gorillas since it looked like her body was covered in castrated gorilla nutsacks.

At the end of her speech, Dana talked about her 15-year-old son who committed suicide and the band thought that was a perfect time to play her off. That band. Somebody should tell them that the wrong time to play someone off is when they’re talking about their 15-year-old son who committed suicide. But the RIGHT time to play someone off is when that someone is Adam Levine and he’s about to open his mouth to sing.

After Dana left the stage in her “guinea pigs trapped in a spider web” dress, Neil Patrick Harris joked that wearing a dress like that takes “balls.” That joke got a few “that was HIGHLY inappropriate” side-eyes from hos on Twitter, because they didn’t think it was funny for NPH to say that shit right after she opened up about her son. But Dana told reporters in the press room that she loved his joke, because she loves her balls:

“I invite anyone to feel my furry balls. I went shopping in my mother-in-law’s attic, she had great style in the 60s and 70s. This is one of her excellent signature pieces. And I just love to wear it because I can make ridiculous dirty jokes about it. I just got the gown to sort of support the balls.”

Yes, embrace your furry balls, Dana. It’s good to know that she’s proud of her furry balls. She probably wasn’t that weirded out when John Travolta came up to her sometime during the night to ask her if she’d teabag him with her dress.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Edy Williams, the bright shining Queen of the Oscars Red Carpet in the 70s, 80s and 90s

Last night, while looking at pictures from one of the greatest Oscars of all-time, the 1989 Oscars (where a probably coked up Rob Lowe sang “Proud Mary” with Snow White and Demi Moore wore biker shorts) my eyeballs tingles and my eyelashes caught on fire when they landed on pictures of this exquisitely delicate orchid in sequined nipple pasties and a dog in her arms. I immediately fell into an Edy Williams k hole and came out feeling much more educated about the history of Oscars glamour.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Donna Dixon, actress, wife, mother, explorer, glamour icon and world traveler!

Donna Dixon deserves HSOTD for the simple fact that her last name is Dixon, which is pronounced “dicks in.” Donna Dixon also deserves HSOTD for the other simple fact that she knows how to wear make-up and knows that glamour is where your rouge and eyeshadow meet. But Donna Dixon is more than her last name and 80s make-up style. She is so much more.

Donna Dixon was a beauty queen in the 70s before she got cast in Bosom Buddies in 1980. Donna dated Paul Stanley of KISS around that time, but they didn’t last that long. (FYI: She had to take 30 showers after being with Paul Stanley.) She met Dan Aykroyd while shooting some movie called Doctor Detroit and they married in 1983. She pretty much quit the show business game after that. She’s graced a few TV shows and movies with her presence like Wayne’s World and Exit to Eden, but she’s mostly been busy raising her three kids and exploring her true passion: science!

Dan Aykroyd was on The Howard Stern Show the other day and Howard asked to meet Donna. A few seconds later, the insides of my ears were lined with freshly warmed silk after she opened up her mouth. Donna’s voice and accent makes you ask yourself, “Is she British? Is she Madonna or is she just rich?” Donna’s voice is the kind of voice that when you hear, you know that she probably says, “Charles, bring the car around,” a lot. She’s got “country club socialite in an old movie” voice.

Donna told Howard that since she sort of retired from doing thi-tur, television and film, she’s been involved in The Explorers Club and she’s had an exciting ride with “Danny.” They’ve gone to the bottom of the world twice, tracked tigers in India, tracked polar bears in Churchill, climbed Machu Picchu, lived in Africa with the Samburu and on and on and on…. Donna IS a Rudyard Kipling novel meets Out of Africa. Skip to around the 48:00 mark in the video below to take in Donna’s opulent rich lady voice:

When Howard asked Donna where she grew up, I expected her to say, “Well, Howard, I grew up all over the world and traveled to every corner of this planet with my tutor and my parents Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell III.” But she said, “Virginia!” That voice. I just want to listen to her order champagne and caviar all day. The way she says, “absolutely,” will make anyone feel like a poor peasant. Even Goopy Paltrow.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Ophelia (as played by former HSOTD Cicely Tyson), Annalise’s mother, a founding member of the Not The One Club, from last night’s episode of How To Get Away With Murder.

On How To Get Away With Murder last night, we learned how to get away with being a truth bomb-throwing bad ass. The answer: Be Cicely Tyson as Ophelia! Annalise’s mother swept into her life on last night’s episode to pull her from her puddle of pity and force feed her several heaping servings of extra chunky truth. Ophelia may look like a sweet old lady whose got pockets full of Werther’s Originals and butterscotch hard candies in her JCPenney cardigan, but the only thing she’s got in her pockets is a whole lot of truth-covered wisdom.

I won’t spit out any major spoilers, because whenever I give even a hint of a spoiler, I get digitally kneed in the teeth through email. The next time I get one of those emails, I’m going to read it in the voice of Ophelia.  But I will spit out a few quotes that leapt out of Ophelia’s mouth and took me higher:

What she said when she showed up to Annalise’s home/office and was greeted by Bonnie, one of her daughter’s employees, who didn’t know who she was. Bonnie seriously needs to enroll in the University of Ophelia: “Don’t you recognize a VIP when you see one? Your boss came out of my V and her daddy’s P.”

What she said when Annalise needed to be knocked down to earth: “What the hell are you talking about? ‘Respect the fact’ and ‘Honor your request’? Who the hell do you think you are? Oprah? I wiped your ass and I’ll call you anything I want.”

What she said when Annalise told her that her name is Annalise: “Your name is Anna Mae, something else your mama gave you from the poor box.”

And these words to live by: “Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, even if all you got is a long match and a very flammable hooch.”

Can somebody please give Ophelia directions to the homes of Kanye West and Justin Bieber?

And Cecily Tyson is 81 years old. If the makers of movies want to do something right FOR ONCE, they’d fast track a remake of Thelma & Louise starring Cecily Tyson and Betty White.

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