Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

The back-up dancer, who is a proud graduate of The Fuck It Dance Academy, from Nicki Minaj’sAnaconda” video!

After what felt like months of Nicki Minaj sticking just the tip in by releasing stills and clips from her “Anaconda” video, she finally stuck it in balls deep at midnight. As expected, that mess is filled with ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS and more ASS. Just when you start to think your face has been hit with ASS for the last time, you get more ASS. It’s what a proctologist dreams about when they take a Viagra before going to bed. Shit’s got more airborne asses than a Bryan Singer pool party. The entire video looks like a Gilligan’s Island porn parody by Brazzers.

There’s plenty of shots of Nicki winking at modern science by jiggling the soil jelly she injected into her nalgas and that ASStravaganza ends with her giving Wheelchair Jimmy a lapdance as he thinks to himself, “Um, can we switch places, because my culo really wants to get to know your tongue.” There’s police tape around Amanda Bynes’ crotch this morning, because the sight of Nicki and Drake having dry butt sex made her vagina murder itself.

Nicki’s Jell-O Jigglers ass tried to get all the attention, but the breakout star of her “Anaconda” video is the back-up dancer who stole my heart by not giving a shit. While Nicki and the other dancers are doing the “You on a first date,” she’s doing the, “Errrr, nope, not today.”  After the cut is a GIF of my new favorite back-up dancer in action:

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

This vintage picture of Vin Diesel that’s the place where the definition of “sensual” goes when it needs inspiration. 

Anybody who has seen the video of Vin Diesel delicately crooning out RiRi’s “Stay” knows that he’s a muscled-up vessel of sensuality and sensitivity, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that he redefines “sensual” over and over again when he takes a normal, casual morning shower. Yesterday, Groot gifted his Facebook fans with this old picture of him casually washing his body. So far it has almost 2 million likes and close to 85,000 comments. The comments range from hos creaming at their finger tips (and other parts) over their living adonis getting wet to hos calling him gay for posing in the shower, bruh. Say what you want about Vin, but you cannot deny that he’s a living Sade ballad if a Sade ballad spent 10 hours a day in the gym and guzzled down a blended steak and Muscle Milk protein shake every 4 hours.

That picture looks like an ad for Calgon shower gel that came with the Men of Chippendales 1993 wall calendar that my mom’s middle-aged, horny co-worker hung over her work area right next to the birthday card featuring a hot, naked dude holding a cake over his dick. So soothing. So sensuous. (Side note: File the word “sensuous” under “Things That Give Me The Heaves While Typing.“) Vin is the epitome of graceful even when he’s getting off by choking himself out in the shower. This picture is where “kinky” and “sensual elegance” meet.

What’s most surprising about this picture is that the photographer who took it (Herb Ritts’ ghost obviously) while on their knees was able to click the button as every part of their body shook from being that close to this showering David.

And this VD fan said it best:

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Yeah, what Bindas said.

via Film Drunk

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Hot Buns, the tool that gives you hot buns in more ways than one.

I’ve seen ladies put their hair in a bun while holding a baby, their purse, talking on their phone and standing on one leg while putting their shit on that conveyer belt thing while waiting in the cashier line at Target. So I don’t think they need a ridiculous, dumb, stupid, useless ass tool to help them put their hair in a bun and that’s exactly what the Hot Buns styling tool is for. But really, we all know that the Hot Buns styling tool wasn’t made to make it easier for long-haired hos to put their hair in a bun (Side note: That bun on the box looks like a cronut. I want to eat it). The creators of Hot Buns made that mess, because they know that what everyone really needs in this world is another product that makes us all stop and say: “That’s a dildo!

Hot Buns comes in two sizes: average and a fully soft Hammaconda, and it’s also ribbed for your hair’s pleasure.

That shit doesn’t even make a good dildo, because a) It looks like it’s made of the skin of Cabbage Patch Dolls and that’s just a whole new level of not right and; b) No amount of Oxi could scrub out the stains that would rub on that thing while you tried to use it as a butt dildo.

Because the Hot Buns soft butt dildo is the hot new must-have hair product, it’s been featured on the biggest shows in television. Here’s a clip from a local morning show in Grand Rapids, MI that’s been making the rounds. This one is for the blondes!

Oh for HEAVEN’S SAKE, put it in the bowl! Uh huh, I bet she wants to put it in the bowl.

Pic: Elle Sees

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

August 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The annoying as all hell couple from that goddamn Sears air conditioner commercial from the 90s! 

If you weren’t in the US in the 90s, then this Sears air conditioning commercial means nothing to you, but if you were, then there’s a good chance that in deepest part of your brain, this commercial lives. This commercial is where basic goes to die and it should be completely forgettable, but it’s not and the other day I found myself saying, “Another SCORCHER!” The evil doers behind it (the advertising firm of Lucifer & Draper) obviously embedded hidden messages that manipulated our brains into remembering a commercial that we shouldn’t remember. They played this commercial all the time, they played it everywhere and they played it for years. HBO doesn’t show commercials, but I’m pretty sure they showed this commercial. You couldn’t escape it. When you closed your eyes at night, the only sound you heard was that annoying ass wife saying, “You call NOW,” and when you opened your eyes in the middle of the night, the first thing you heard was that smug ass husband saying in a condescending whisper, “I’ll call now.

In the commercial that plays on a loop on every analog TV in every locked cell in Hell, a married couple, who are obviously in a loveless marriage, are having breakfast and the wife bitches about the broken air conditioner while standing in front of an opened refrigerator. In a whiny voice, she asks her husband why he hasn’t called Sears. Many of us probably screamed at the TV, “Why the hell don’t you call Sears yourself, bitch!!!!?” The husband doesn’t seem that bothered by the SCORCHING heat, because he’s dead inside and all of his organs are made of ice. While making a highly punchable face, Greg Kinnear’s weekday matinee standby, says to his wife, “I’ll call now.” Relive the horror all over again after the cut.  »

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Nancy Martinez (born name: Nancy Martin-Quirion), the Taylor Dayne of Canada! A French Canadian going from the name Nancy Martin-Quirion to the stage name Nancy Martinez ranks high on my list of Favorite Ridiculous Name Changes right under Portia de Rossi.

In case you need to be reminded that pop stars in the 80s really brought us heaping amounts of glamour, intrigue and storytelling, here’s Nancy Martinez, a one-hit freestyle nightingale from Montreal, giving you all of that and more in the video for her one semi-hit sing song “For Tonight.“For Tonight” got as far as #32 on the Billboard charts in 1986 and her next single “Move Out” didn’t really go anywhere, but it really didn’t matter that she never became a worldwide mega pop star. Because Nancy Martinez had already made her glamorous mark on the world by giving us a song that made you want to slip on a pair of black gloves and dance against a chain link fence, and by giving us a video that was everything you could ever want out of a video from the 80s.  »

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

The photo bombing, time traveling plastic water bottle that stole the shot from this promo picture of Lord Grantham and Lady Edith for the new season of Downton Abbey

ITV’s marketing department, the photographer, the assistants, the graphic artists and dozens of others who laid eyes on this picture before it was okay’d to be used as an actual promo picture must have a serious case of No Fucks To Give. Because all those eyeballs landed on this picture and not one of them said, “Lord Grantham looks like he’s smelling dirty ass. Oh, and there’s a water bottle over there.

There’s 5 explanations for this mess:

1. Someone fucked up and soon they’ll be using that water bottle to beg for coins on the street. Maggie Smith will look them up and down and spit on them when she walks by.

2. It’s not a plastic water bottle. It’s a decanter made out of crystal and diamonds and it holds the tears of the servants.

3. Shit is a clue for a Doctor Who crossover episode. Or better yet, that plastic water bottle from the future is letting us know that Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver is going to guest star.

4. Three words: STUNT QUEEN SITUATION.

Only that water bottle knows the answer:

hostddowntonabbeywaterbottle2

Or that water bottle is just a fame whore and snuck into that shot to get attention. It will soon leak a sex tape and join the cast of next season’s Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases. (It will win.)

via The Daily Mail

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Duke, the mayor of Cormorant, MN, the future governor of Minnesota and the future President of the United States!

The little, tiny town of Cormorant, MN has a grand total of 12 people living in it and most of those 12 people are politically forward and know that their town needs a politician who doesn’t speak human words, will get shit done as soon as he takes his 123rd nap of the day, isn’t above sniffing ass, will beg for what he wants and will drool all over the table during important meetings with his advisers (a chew toy, a German Shepherd mix and a Yorkie). You might be thinking to yourself, “Um, you just described Mayor Rob Ford,” but Duke is nothing like Rob Ford. Duke hasn’t got caught smoking crack, yet…. It’s still early in his term.

Duke the Great Pyrenees ran against the owner of a local store and the store owner didn’t stand a chance. It was a landslide. 12 people paid $1 each to vote and more than half of them voted for Duke. WCCO CBS Minnesota (via HuffPo) says that after Duke gets sworn in on Saturday, his term will last for one year. Duke will be paid with kibble, but he’s not doing it for the kibble. He’s doing it, because he cares about Cormorant and its 12 people. (He’s doing it for the kibble.)

It has been reported that Duke’s first act as mayor will be to put his paw on a bill banning all cats.

And here’s the highly important news report about my new favorite mayor.

Finally, this country has a mayor everyone can trust. I can tell that Duke is going to be the greatest mayor who ever mayor’d, because he’s wearing a serious mayor hat.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Jerry Levine! 

Because my friend and sometime Dlisted contributor Lahoma has a brain that’s a time capsule of the 80s and 90s, he asked me on IM yesterday, “Do you remember that shit Going Places?” Because my brain looks like a water-damaged cardboard box full of yellowed copies of TV Guide from the 80s and 90s, I do remember that shit. Going Places was a pretty terrible show on ABC about four writers for a TV show who live in their boss’ fancy house in Malibu or Venice or somewhere like that. It lasted for about five seconds in 1990. It starred Holland Taylor, a pre-Melrose Place Heather Locklear, Dana from Step-By-Step and the Seth Green of the 80s Jerry Levine! When hos see Jerry Levine’s face, their brain probably burps up a picture of him in Born on the Fourth of July or as Michael J Fox’s best friend Stiles in Teen Wolf. Or their brain burps up the image of Becca’s boyfriend on Life Goes On because they’ve confused Jerry Levine with Chad Lowe like I’ve done many times. Jerry Levine is best known for Teen Wolf, but he should really be known for Going Places!

Jerry Levine is a TV director now and I really hope that he had that Dicknose t-shirt surgically implanted onto his torso and I hope that at least once a day, someone stops him and says, “I loved you in Going Places!”

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

This seasoned lord of dance who delivered the moves in the rain while wearing a plastic poncho.

No, this member of the Fly Pepaws doesn’t come close to touching the artistry and dontgiveafuckness of the old dude who tossed his crutches to get all the way down, but after five tons of sadness dropped on all of our heads yesterday, what we really need is grandpa showing the young whores how dance is really done.

Buzzfeed thinks that this panty cream-inducing danseur is trying to do The Running Man, but ho please. Dude is obviously putting his own spin on the Hangin’ Tough dance and made it international by throwing in some Riverdance in there. He’s doing the Irish Hangin’ Tough.

Dude looks like a zombie playing an imaginary piano while standing on hot coals and that is how you dance. Dance, pepaw, dance! Dance like the world is watching, because they should be and they should be throwing bouquets of roses (or bouquets of blue plastic ponchos) at your feet.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

13 Dead End Drive! The board game from the early 90s that Clue birthed out 9 months after it got barebacked boned by Mouse Trap in the secret passage from the study to the kitchen.

13 Dead End Drive was pretty much a knock-off of Clue complete with secret passages and hot bitches with blunt cuts (see: Parker the Asian chauffeur and Madeline Kahn as Mrs. White), but instead of trying to figure out who murdered who in what room and with which weapon, players had to try to kill each other off and be the last gold digger standing. In 13 Dead End Drive, a rich old woman dies and her gold digging staff and friends gather at her mansion to fight for her estate. Each player played at least one character and the main goal was to kill off the other bitches standing in the way of all that money by setting off traps in the mansion (example: a falling chandelier, a falling knight statue).

3D board games were EVERYTHING in the 90s and blew young minds. 13 Dead End Drive didn’t have the production values of the greatest 3D board game that ever existed Fireball Island, but it did take approximately 45 hours to set up. There were so many damn pieces and you practically needed a contractors license to set that shit up.

The other thing I remember about 13 Dead End Drive is that this goddess was in it:

13deadenddrivehsotd2

Spritzy was the dead rich lady’s hair stylist and the most gorgeous, glamorous goddess in the game. If Pete Burns made out with Jocelyn Wildenstein under the sun and parts of her face melted onto his, he’d look exactly like Spritzy. I’m surprised that Spritzy didn’t win every single game, because she could easily knock all her gold digging rivals out with those crowbar brows.

And now I really want to buy 13 Dead End Drive on eBay and search Angie’s List for a few handymen who can set up that complicated ass game for me.

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