Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Gamble Breaux from The Real Housewives of Melbourne!

I have already paid homage to the most beautiful and smartest woman in Australia and now it’s time to pay homage to my second favorite Real Housewife of Melbourne: Gamble Breaux! Gamble Breaux deserves to be HSOTD for the simple fact that her name is Gamble Breaux. The name Gamble Breaux sounds like a cross between the name of a gay-for-pay hustler from New Orleans and the name of an 80s Bond Girl.

Gamble Breaux is one of the newest Housewives of Melbourne and she made her grand debut on season 2. Of course, all of those bitches are jealous of her from the beginning, because her man’s an eye surgeon (he’s the silver-haired pepaw in the pictures below) and she’s a HIGHLY IMPORTANT art collector and gallery girl. Those jealous bitches immediately start rumors about Gamble. They say she’s a gold digging swinger who used to be a stripper/call girl and has orgies with her sugar daddy fiancé. Those jealous bitches act like being a gold digging swinger who used to be a stripper/call girl is a bad thing! But of course Gamble isn’t a gold digging swinger who used to be a stripper/call girl. She is a chaste dew drop who was a pure virgin before she met her sugar daddy fiancé.

In addition to being an art consultant and a true lady of elegance, Gamble also has a line of amazingly sophisticated no hand holster bags. You can tell just by looking at her that Gamble is a lover of toy dogs. There’s a type and she’s it. She has a Pomeranian named Cash who she shows at amateur dog shows. You’d think that the most fascinating thing about Gamble is her luscious vanilla/chocolate swirl hair color, but it’s her accent and voice. Her accent has a dash of Ja’mie King in it. Gamble has trouble pronouncing some words like “feminist” and she says it’s because she was semi-deaf as a child.

Here’s Gamble showing all of us that she’s the Pomeranian Whisperer by expertly training Cash:

If Gina is the Queen of Melbourne, Gamble is the Princess of Melbourne. I bow at her grace and demureness.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Sydney Channing (as played by Broadway star and Amanda Plummer’s mother Tammy Grimes) from Can’t Stop The Music!

Diane Sawyer gets extra points for repeatedly throwing several servings of shade at Krapping Up the Kartrashians by calling it “that show,” but she lost points for not telling ABC that her interview with Bruce Jenner should be 3 hours long, because she needed a full hour to discuss his greatest achievement: Can’t Stop The Music! I mean, who cares about the Wheaties box and those infomercials with Pimp Mama Kris? Interviewing Bruce Jenner and not asking him about Can’t Stop The Music is like interviewing the Dalai Lama and not asking him about the time he met Joanna Krupa. It’s the pinnacle moment of his career!

Can’t Stop The Music was a multiple-award winning (yes, the Razzies count as an award) glittery gay extravaganza from 1980 and Bruce Jenner made his movie debut in it. I need to watch it again on Netflix, because I barely remember what it’s about, but that’s okay. Who watches that beautiful wreck for the plot, anyway? You watch it for the man nipples, glitter and extravaganza! If you haven’t seen it and don’t have Netflix, just get really coked up and have two people splash your face with glitter and man sweat while blasting the Village People in your ears. That’s what watching it sort of feels like.

It has everything you need in a cinematic masterpiece: Bruce Jenner in a cut-off shirt, Valerie Perrine’s nipples, the gayest and greatest shower scene on Earth, a musical number about leche, Steve Guttenburg trying to dance, shitty acting, forty loads of glitter, more velour than a Boca Raton retiree’s closet and the Village People. It’s perfection. And one of my favorite parts of that sequin-covered train wreck (besides the peen slips, musical numbers, man nipples and glitter, of course) is Tammy Grimes as Sydney Channing.

Sydney Channing is Valerie Perrine’s snobby, high-and-mighty, overbearing modeling agent who apparently drinks cocktails out of what looks like a candleholder. Valerie Perrine’s character is a retired supermodel and Sydney gets one of her minions to try to lure her biggest moneymaker back to modeling. I bet Anna Wintour is pretty much bald, because every time she watches Can’t Stop The Music (which is all the time, probably), she yanks her wig off and pulls out whatever hairs she has left out of frustration over knowing that she’ll never be Sydney Channing!

If you haven’t done your daily ass kegels yet, watch the trailer for CSTM and get ready to pucker and clench:

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

SHARI HEADLEY!

When I made the highly important beauty product of the 80s, Pazazz, HSOTD a couple of weeks ago, I posted one of its ad and in the ad was Shari Headley delivering some side-eye, hand-on-face glamour. I checked to see if Shari Headley has ever been HSOTD and she has not. Blasphemy!

Shari was a sparkle in the 80s and 90s universe. She did a little modeling and acted in a couple of TV shows before she landed the ROLE OF A LIFETIME as the future Princess of Zamunda in Coming To America. In Coming To America, Shari wore a gorgeous cotton candy explosion wedding dress that Katie Price later shamelessly copied for her first of ten weddings. Three years after Coming To America, Shari landed the SECOND ROLE OF A LIFETIME as Detective Mimi in All My Children. She played Detective Mimi on and off from 1991 until 2005. Shari was married to Play of Kid N’ Play (aka the one without the Minecraft hair) for a few years in the 90s. In 1994 she gave birth to a son who is considered one of the golden children of the 90s since his dad was in Kid N’Play and his mom was Detective Mimi on AMC.

Shari still acts in TV and movies today, but she really doesn’t need to. I mean, she was in a Pazazz ad and she’s the Princess of Zamunda. She’s already touched the top several times!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Kristina Karo, the exquisite Ukrainian chrysanthemum who should really teach an entire course at The Learning Annex on how to properly fame whore and set yourself apart from the other fame whores in a world full of shameless fame whores!

This demure blossom, who looks like she sprouted out of the ground after someone planted an acid tab and poured Faygo and glow stick juice on it, knows that attention whores are a penny a dozen nowadays and you really have to reach high for the fame whore stars to get hos to look at you. So Kristina Karo thought to herself, “I know! I’ll sue Mila Kunis for emotional distress because she stole my chicken named Doggie in the Ukraine 25 years ago!” Voila! Instant TMZ post!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 22, 2015 / Posted by:

The Rejuvenique Facial Mask, the mask that electrocutes your face to youthful beauty while making you look like a serial killer who regularly stalks teenagers at campsites.

The Blair Witch Project was the highest grossing horror movie of 1999, but that shit had absolutely nothing on the most terrifying horror show of that year. The infomercial for the Rejuvenique Facial Mask of Terror played in the late 90s and every time it played I had to scream for an adult. Even Hannibal Lecter had to turn on the lights and dial his mommy. The come-to-life Baccarat swan that is Krystle Carrington (aka Linda Evans) hosted that infomercial and I’m not saying that using the Rejuvenique mask later gave her Saw face, but it may have given her Saw face.

That horrifying Eyes Wide Shut mask has tiny gold anal beads on the inside and those anal beads deliver some kind of light pulsations to your face. The dude in the infomercial tells Linda Evans that wearing the mask is like doing sit-ups with your face. The image of a face doing sit-ups is even more terrifying than the image of anyone in that nightmare mask. It’s supposed to leave your face skin as tight as the asshole of a trick who sees you wearing that mask. I don’t know if it works, but I bet it really helps with constipation. If someone in your life is suffering from the hard shits, just put on the Rejuvenique Facial Mask, sneak up behind them and BOOM! Instant wet shit!

Here’s the infomercial that can turn anyone into a crazed killer. I mean, you’d want to kill someone if your face was getting electrocuted all the time.

The good news is, you can still buy this lunatic murderer mask today. It’s only $183! It has a lot of 5-star reviews (I now know what Linda Evans has been up to), but it also has many 1-star reviews including this one:

I received a burn on my face from this product. I still have a scar from it two years later. I wouldnt reccomend it to anyone. I think it’s dangerous and should be taken off the market.

Yeah, but is that scar bigger than the emotional scars their family has thanks to seeing them in that death mask of doom?!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Car Window Garfield!

On the last episode of Veep, President Selena took my mind all the way back when she name dropped Car Window Garfield while bitching out Gary. I hadn’t thought about Car Window Garfield in years and I punched my skull, because I wanted to punish my brain for not remembering such an important piece of my life. Actually, now that I think about it, if I wanted to punish my brain I would’ve watched a Kim Kardashian interview. But enough about a trick who got famous by sucking on things, let’s pay homage to this trick who got famous by sucking on things.

When Garfield was the hottest pussy around in the 80s, you could find him stuck to the window of every other car. You couldn’t turn around without seeing a sun-faded Garfield looking coked up out of his mind while clinging to a car window with those suction cups on his paws. Those bulging eyes and grinding teeth. Lasagna isn’t his drug of choice. It’s coke! He looked like a strung out pussy trying to jump out of the car to get his next fix. I loved him. My mom got one for her car and I know she didn’t want to. She probably got sick of me begging for a stupid ass Car Window Garfield and if I begged one more time, she was going to throw herself out the car window, so she finally got one. I bet she took it down whenever I wasn’t in the car.

I don’t really remember exactly when Car Window Garfield vanished from the streets, but I haven’t seen one in centuries. I bet they’re all in the backroom of a Goodwill warehouse, plotting and waiting for the day when they’ll get revenge on humanity for throwing them away like a used condom. One day, we’ll all get up in the morning and scream as dozens of Car Window Garfields cling to our bedroom windows and stare at us with those STAINS on crack eyes. The revenge of the Car Window Garfield is coming!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Thrifty’s Chocolate Malted Krunch ice cream!

Even reading the name “Chocolate Malted Krunch” makes me unlock my jaw and stick out my tongue like I’m outside and it’s raining vodka. Chocolate Malted Krunch is a chocolate cloud of deliciousness sent to us from heaven. (Side note: In heaven, they have a viral video called “2 girls, 1 cup,” but the cup is filled with delicious Chocolate Malted Krunch.) Thrifty’s was a mostly West Coast drugstore and it was thee fucking drugstore in my town and that had everything to do with its cream.

Thrifty’s had an ice cream place in it and many kids went there after school. The crack of Thrifty’s ice cream flavors was Chocolate Malted Krunch and children would lose their minds over it. Whenever a kid would come out of Thrifty’s with a cone topped with Chocolate Malted Krunch, there was a good chance they’d get shot for their ice cream. I’m being dramatic. They didn’t get shot. They got stabbed. One of the saddest moments of my life was going to Thrifty’s and staring deep into an empty tub of Chocolate Malted Krunch.

Chocolate Malted Krunch is a fluffy chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips and tiny malt balls in it. I’m sure it’s what the b-holes of the angels taste like.

When Thrifty’s got bought by Rite-Aid in the late 90s, they kept the best thing about Thrifty’s: the ice cream. You can still get Chocolate Malted Krunch ice cream. So at some point today, I’m going to go to Rite-Aid, buys dozens of boxes of CMK, come home, dump them all into in my bathtub, get in and eat it all in between tokes. It’s the perfect 4/20 tradition.

Happy 420!

Pic: SodaHead

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Queen Gina from The Real Housewives of Melbourne!

This HSOTD has been a long, long time coming and I should double slap myself for not writing a 10,000 word post about Queen Gina as soon as I laid eyes on her car paint-covered beauty last year. After binge watching 5 episodes from the second season of RHoM, I finally decided to pay homage to the most gorgeous creature in Australia! If a male lion overdosed on human estrogen, was shaved, covered in wax and given a makeover by a Reno, NV area drag queen from the late 80s, he would be stunningly gorgeous, but still couldn’t hold a candle to Queen Gina’s drag queen lion hotness.

Gina Liano has been on the RHoM since the beginning (“Since the beginning.” I act like that shit has been on as long as Sábado Gigante. It’s only been 2 seasons!) and is the greatest thing about it. By day, Queen Gina is a criminal barrister who has never ever lost a case (I made that up), because every time she sashays into the court room, the judge, jury and everybody else are knocked out by the sparks of glamour that shoot off of her lip liner and she wins by default. By night, Queen Gina performs charity work for the lessers by injecting sequined-embedded glamour into boring events all over Melbourne. Queen Gina wears so much makeup that if she ever came across a group of needy, makeup-less drag queens, she could easily scrape 5 gallons of foundation, lipstick and liquid eyeshadow from her mug and give it to them. Queen Gina also dresses like a spokesmodel in a fourth-tier game show from 1987.

Queen Gina isn’t only a prime example of what every human (man, woman AND child) should look like, but she’s also a prolific philosopher who regularly spits out pure words of wisdom and she’s a champion of feminism. During an episode from this season, Queen Gina let the other Housewives know that she doesn’t think it’s okay to call another woman a bitch. But last season, Queen Gina called another Housewife a “cunt” to her face in a fine dining eating establishment. A true feminist hero!

But Queen Gina’s greatest quality is that knows that glamour should always come first and it’s her greatest weapon. One of the best Queen Gina moments was from last season when all of those hating heffas were screaming at her at the table and she couldn’t be bothered. When your haters shoot words of hate at you, let those words of hate ricochet off of the layers of powder you’re applying to your face.

queenginamakeup

All hail Queen Gina! She is woman. She is glamour. She is beauty. She is intelligence. She is feminism. She is hairspray. She is rhinestones. She is bronzer. She IS Queen Gina!

Pics: Wenn.com, Tumblr, Arena, Bravo

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

La Cuatro (as played by Gloria Benavides) from Sábado Gigante!

I didn’t leave my house yesterday, but I’m sure the streets were filled with weeping abuelitas and old tias who were wailing while wearing black lace veils over their heads as they mourned the death of the heart of Univision. Univision dropped forty five hundred gallons of pure sad yesterday when they announced that after 53 years of existing, they are killing the iconic three-hour variety show SAH-BAH-DOE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-GONE-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Its last episode will air on September 19th. Sábado Gigante made its debut on Chilean television in 1962 and after it took Latin America by hurricane (saying “by storm” feels like an understatement) it moved its production to Miami in 1986 and Univision started producing it. It has played every Saturday night for forever and tens of millions of people in 40 countries watch it. It set a Guinness World Record for the longest-running variety show in history. And soon it will be over.

The Los Angeles Times says that Don Francisco (born name: Mario Luis Kreutzberger Blumenfeld), who created the show and has hosted it since the beginning, made the decision in 2012 to end the show in 2015. His old ass is ready to retire and he wanted to go out when the show was still on top. He plans to still host specials and produce new shows for Univision. As millions of abuelitas prayed in front of their santo candles and wondered if there really is a GOD, Don Francisco released this statement about the death of a legendary show:

“I have no words to thank our viewers for the support, loyalty and enthusiasm with which they have honored us through the years and which have allowed the show to become an unprecedented success in the history of this medium.” ….”From the start we made sure to ask, ‘What does the audience want?!’ And we have worked tirelessly for precisely that audience, with the utmost dedication, humility and deep respect. I have no words to acknowledge all the recognition and applause that we have received over the years. When we began in the United States in 1986, we told them that we were ‘separated by distance and united by the same language.’ Today I can say with great pride and satisfaction that that distance turned into closeness and affection.”

I used to watch this show with my abuelita and I really didn’t know what they were saying, but every time she laughed, I laughed and every time she fell asleep and started snoring (which was usually about 30 minutes into that shit), I took my ass to the other room to watch something else. The character I remember loving the most, besides Dr. Cosabella, was La Cuatro! La Cuatro has hair like a Charo impersonator, a face that was cut from the same gorgeous cloth as Sally Struthers and she always wears the most glamorous of apron dresses, because she’s always ready to serve up some true entertainment. Her thing is to always interrupt Don Francisco during the show to deliver some much-needed TALENT. This is a newer clip, so I haven’t seen it, but it confirms to me that La Cuatro really needs her own headlining show in Vegas. Brit Brit, Mimi, Celine who?

RIP Sábado Gigante. I guess this means that Saturdays will also be no more because how can there be Saturday without Sábado Gigante. After September 19th, our weekends will be one day long and we’ll jump directly from Friday to Sunday. Blame Don Francisco. And long live La Cuatro!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

This incredibly beautiful music video for The Hoff’s masterpiece of a song “True Survivor.”

Kung Fury is a highly-anticipated (emphasis on HIGH) Swedish martial arts short movie that was funded through Kickstarter and is about a detective who tries to time travel from the 80s to World War II times to kill Hitler, but fucks up and ends up in the Viking times. None of that plot really makes sense and when the plot doesn’t make sense, you of course get The Hoff to do a song for the soundtrack.

Nearly every piece of Germany is probably covered in jizz (FYI: Jizz in German is “jïzz“) today, because every German busted out a fountain of orgasms while watching this stunning piece of cinematic art that has everything you need in a music video from ultra dramatic smoke to neon lasers to The Hoff’s spongy mullet to dinosaurs to viking chicks. This video is a crash course in world history, paleontology, glamour and fashion! I fully expect the producers of the new Jurassic Park movie to announce that they’ve decided to scrap that shit, because why bother releasing it when a way hotter dinosaur movie is coming out.

Hold onto your desk, because you’ll tip when The Hoff does the splits and you’ll completely fall out when he drops to his knees and oozes raw emotion.

This video is the only thing they should teach in history class, because it’s the only thing the children need to know.

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