Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Domino’s newest artery-clogging gimmick: Pizza with a Popcorn Chicken Crust! 

Domino’s hasn’t mastered the art of making pizza yet (and I type that as a bitch who regularly eats their salt lick-covered in cheese and meat shit, because I hate my internal organs), but they’re taking on chicken now and farting out some crap they’ve called “Speciality Chicken.” According to Eater, Domino’s idea of “Speciality Chicken” is a pizza with chicken standing in as the crust. So it’s basically just popcorn chicken with a whole lot of toppings thrown on top. It’s some kind of sloppy, thrown together “chicken casserole” my mom would make using leftovers. This Mama June after birth comes in four flavors: Crispy Bacon & Tomato, Classic Hot Buffalo, Spicy Jalapeno-Pineapple, and Sweet BBQ Bacon.

I fully expect Pizza Hut, the masters of heart attack-inducing fuckery, to answer to Domino’s Popcorn Chicken Pizza by releasing a fried chicken pizza covered in pizza dough and served with liquefied bacon sauce and an ace inhibitor butter chaser.

That crap looks like several kinds of species had abortions on top of a pile of tumors before Brit Brit covered it with her discharge, but I. Still. Would.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Oreo Big Stuf!

Back in the magical world of fuckery and foolery of the 80s existed a gigantic Oreo called Oreo Big Stuf. I don’t know why they dropped the “f,” but “stuf” looks like what you’d type when your hands are shaking with rage and you’re really pissed off in an IM conversation and you meant to type STFU. Shut the up fuck! Oreo created the Big Stuf, because they probably figured that people would feel less guilty and less gross with themselves if they swallowed a mega Oreo instead of devouring three sleeves of regular-sized Oreos in one sitting. Like most beautiful things in the 80s, Oreo Big Stuf didn’t last long, which is a damn shame. Imagine eating one today while stoned? You’ll spend a good hour wondering if your Oreo got big or you got small. It would also make Khloe Kardashian’s life, because an Oreo Big Stuf is a regular-sized Oreo to her.

And whenever I heard “Mr. Big Stuff” I think of this Peggy Sue Got Married mess of a commercial:

No, they weren’t all high on LSD and weed. They were just high on the 80s and Oreo Big Stufs.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Anindita Saryuf, the fashion director for Elle Indonesia who was not having any of Lindsay Lohan’s crackhead antics on Lindsay last night.

The first few episodes of Lindsay showed us that a self-entitled, freckled tornado of stupidity is really bad at moving. The last few episodes of Lindsay Lohan’s Not-So-Fun Hour Of Crackery showed us that a delusional, bronzer-covered colostomy bag of narcissism is really bad at showing up on time for things too (but we already new that). On last night’s episode, LiLo was supposed to host a Halloween party at the Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut from 10pm to 12am and the bitch shows up at 11:30. Then, LiLo no show’d to a shoot for Elle Indonesia. The bitch makes my Latin relatives look like masters of punctuality.

Elle Indonesia chose LiLo for their “White Issue,” which is really fitting since nobody’s shoved more white up her nostrils than her.  The shoot was supposed to start at 1pm and they only had a few hours since the photographer only shoots in natural light, but when the clock hit 2, everybody was sitting around waiting for her ass while she was hitting the snooze button for the 3,486,912th time of the day. Someone from LiLo’s team finally showed up at around 3pm and said that she was working hard all night (read: working her inner tube lips on a bottle of Grey Goose, because somebody has to single-handedly keep the sweet nectar industry from needing a bail out) and wouldn’t be able to shoot that day. In between trying to reschedule the shoot, Anindita Saryuf goes off camera and says to one of her co-workers in Indonesian, “That bitch. That bitch. That bitch, Lindsay.” I don’t have a clip up of it, but if I did, I’d snort that clip up, because it gave me several kinds of life. As soon as Anindita said, “That bitch,” they could’ve faded to black and threw up the words, “THEE FUCKING END.” Because that was the highlight of the entire mess of a show and “that bitch” sums everything up perfectly.

The photo shoot eventually happens, but LiLo becomes a shard of broken crack pipe glass in everyone’s taint when she gets bitchy with the photographer, tells him he should consider the whole “natural light” thing and skips out on an interview with Anindita. In the clip below, LiLo declares herself the greatest stylist of all-time and Anindita tries to say nice things about her, but her “I want to kill THAT BITCH in her face” face says everything.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Dionesia Dapidran-Pacquiao, Manny Pacquiao’s extremely hot Filipino mom who stole the show at the Pacquiao vs. Bradley fight in Las Vegas last night with her “blessed by Hay-Soos Chris-Toe” eyebrow situation and holy theatrics.

Usually two half-naked, sweaty dudes pounding each other raw would gets all of my attention, but Mama Dionesia had all the spotlights on her when she brought God, Jesus, all the holy fathers and who knows who else to her side of the ring last night. Mama Dionesia clutched her rosary and prayer card and either she’s using her pointing fingers to shoot some black magic at that Bradley dude or she’s praying extra hard while screaming, “I got your number, hussy” over and over again.

I don’t know if Mama Dionesia is like her son and believes that the souls of gays will rot in Lucifer’s flaming asshole for eternity, but if she does, I still love her, because she is bringing the high camp. My mom once told me about some fanatical Catholic ladies in her small town in El Salvador who used to use the scripture to cast hexes and spells on their enemies and I don’t know if that’s what Mama Dionesia is doing, but whatever she did, it worked. Manny won the WBO welterweight belt. But he should give that belt to his mother, because she was the real winner of the night.

For a second there, I thought Papa Legba was going to show up.

Mama D is setting the bar for athlete moms. Cheering their kid on is SO over. It’s all about clutching the rosary while casting a spell. She IS the next Supreme!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Ready or Not, the 90s Canadian teen drama!

On one of the many occasions Michael K and I were hanging around the Dlisted water cooler (yes it’s a box of wine sitting on top of an empty Crystal Castle box) I started talking about the most important television show of any girl’s pre-teen years, Ready or Not, to which Michael responded with the blankest of stares, because I guess pledging your allegiance to Ready or Not is a Canadian person thing. And since I am a Canadian person, I’m the best person to take over Hot Slut today to talk about it (but also because I will go to my grave screaming “Ready or not…CAN’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY.”)

Back in the late 80s and early 90s, a bunch of Canadian health teachers must have gotten together and decided that the best way to teach kids about boners and periods and tongue-kissing was through low-budget television, thus shows like Degrassi Junior High, Degrassi High, Zardip’s Search for Healthy Wellness, and Ready or Not were born. Obviously, Degrassi Junior High is hands-down the best television show you’ll ever watch, but coming in at a very close second is Ready or Not. It was basically a bootleg Canadian knock-off of My So-Called Life about two best friends named Amanda Zimm and Busy Ramone dealing with boobs, periods, divorce, zits, and smoking cigarettes. Busy Ramone was an icon for Canada’s lil’ gayelles because she hated makeup, wore head to toe flannel (probably bought at Zellers), played drums like a pro, skateboarded, and generally rolled her eyes at girly shit. And Amanda was a hero to none, because she was fucking annoying.

Ready or Not was the most formulaic shit, but my 12-year-old ass didn’t care. I loved watching Amanda do something stupid, like getting peer pressured into spray painting a swear on her stepdad’s car or shoplifting printed turtlenecks from Northern Getaway (bitch, you have enough turtlenecks!) followed by Busy almost break the fourth wall with her eye-rolling, as if she was thinking ‘Can you believe this dumb bitch? Why are we friends?’

Nearly all the episodes are on YouTube, so I encourage you to try to watch as many episodes as you can before you start screaming “Goddamnit, are you fucking serious Amanda??” (my record is 3).

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Cucumber Melon lotion and shower gel from Bath & Body Works!

I was skimming through Buzzfeed’s list of “21 Smells 90s Girls Will Never Forget” and saw the usual shit like Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers and Watermelon Candy Kisses Lip Balm and then I could feel my nostrils close shut when I landed on a picture of cucumber melon-scented lotion and shower gel from Bath & Body Works! Cucumber melon was like the signature scent of the late 90s and early 2000s. It terrorized (and if you’re a sick shit, it tingled) nostrils everywhere. I don’t know what it says about me (SPOILER ALERT: That I stank and look like I love to luxuriate in the scent of fruit salads), but in the late 90s and early 2000, several people gave me Bath & Body Works gift baskets and several of those baskets were filled with nothing but cucumber melon shit. Cucumber melon smelled as though a watermelon swallowed four ten-pound bags of sugar before pissing on a cucumber.

Whenever somebody would give me a basket with Bath & Body Works cucumber melon-scented crap in it, I’d have swallow hard (wink wink) to keep the gags from taking over my throat and I’d have to sit on my hands to keep from slapping that trick for obviously giving me a regift. I knew they were passing on the sticky sweet grossness to me. You know, but if you add a lot of vodka to a cup full of cucumber melon body wash, it’s not so bad and makes a refreshing late afternoon cocktail.

When I die and I’m stumbling through the fog wondering if I’m headed for heaven or hell, I’ll know that I belong to Satan if the scent of cucumber melon wafts up my smelling holes.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Lenny the farting pussy whose shit bubble owners returned him to a veterinary hospital and no-kill shelter in Scottsville, NY because he farted too much.

Lenny used to be a furry gas bag who constantly pooted out deadly caca bombs, but nothing that came out of that pussy’s butthole was as shitty as his owners. Lenny was adopted from the Scottsville Veterinary Adoptions last month and two days later his owners returned him, because they said they couldn’t deal with the poop fumes coming out of his ass, which is rich coming from two pieces of shit. USA Today says that the owners told the shelter that they wanted an indoor cat and Lenny is more of an outdoor cat since he can’t stop farting (“The hell did we ever do to you bitches?” – everything in nature to Lenny’s old owners).

Scottsville Veterinary Adoptions took Lenny back and put up a note on their Facebook page asking if there’s any families out there who don’t mind a living thing that lets out constant butt burps. Surprisingly enough, Brit Brit Spears didn’t immediately ask her daddy if she can adopt Lenny so she has someone to blame all her Frapp-induced farts on, but SVA did find him a new home. SVA also said that while Lenny was with them he didn’t stink up the place with farts, so prolific philosopher and poet Phoebe Buffay was right when she sang the lyrics:

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It’s not your fault

And I will fart on Lenny the farting pussy’s new owners if they didn’t immediately change his name to Queefer.

via Arbroath

 

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Nickelodeon Moon Shoes! 

In the late 80s and early 90s, Nickelodeon tried to make Moon Shoes the next Pogo Ball and for a while they were on almost every kid’s Christmas list and some kids probably traded their parents’ organs on the black market to buy a pair. They were supposed to be magic trampolines for your feets. But some kids who bought them quickly found out that they were kind of a dud. That shouldn’t have been surprising, because look at those things. They look like two $3 chancletas from the Swap Meet tied to two Caboodles with black rubber bands. They were obviously made to amuse grown-ups, because watching children fall the hell over while trying to jump on plastic bricks brings hours of entertainment!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Max, a box-loving pussy who has become Maru’s greatest threat and rival in the important sport of pussy box diving. About six seconds into this video, Max changes up the pussy box diving game when he jumps into a box held up above him. Tens all around! And he does it again at the very end. Maru, the box is in your court (and please, do four triple flips before diving into it while it’s on fire and held 5 feet above the ground, because you can’t let this new pussy box diver show you up like this!)

via Buzzfeed

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Mae Baan Mee Nuad (Housewife with a Moustache), artiste, photographer, creator of glamour, social media supermodel and the glitter-embedded precious jewel of Thailand!

My eyeballs are all kinds of sore this morning, because last night they tingled non-stop while I looked at glorious glamour shot after glorious glamour shot of Thailand’s reigning Queen of Glamour! 20-something-year old photographer and glamour creator, Anuruk “Bew” Cholmunee of Thailand, opened up his Housewife with a Moustache (which sounds like the name of Teresa Giudice’s future spin-off show on Bravo) page on Facebook in 2012 and since then hundreds of thousands of people have liked it to keep up with the high-fashion editorials he regularly serves up. In an interview with The National in 2012, Bew said that posing in editorials that should make Anna Wintour retire for good started out as a hobby. But when his friends shared the pictures with their friends and they all ate ‘em up like their last name was Travolta and the pictures were a massage therapist’s hard dick, he decided that he should share his glamour with the Internet.

Since then, Bew has gained thousands of fans who follow him on Instagram and Facebook to nourish their souls with the shards of sequins that shoot off of his body when he strikes a pose. Bew is the art director, photographer, stylist and model of all of his shoots and he shoots all over Thailand and beyond. Bew’s Facebook editorials have also led to spreads in Thai magazines. From the neck up, Bew looks like one of my uncles and from the neck down he’s a mythical goddess peacock who wears gowns that Lady CaCa will copy + paste in 3..2….. Lady CaCa can choke on the rivers of chiffon that fly off of Bew’s body, because she could never bring it like this.

And Bew is even more glorious in moving picture form:

Every supermodel, including Phoebe Price, just enrolled at ITT Tech, because they know they’re going to need a new career now that Bew is here take all of their jobs.

Pics: Facebook, Instagram (Thanks Alisha!)

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