Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Johnny O, the prince of freestyle!

Since Stevie B is the King of Freestyle, Johnny O might be considered the Prince of Freestyle. (Side note: You were not a freestyle singer in the 80s unless your stage name was a boy’s nickname from the 50s followed by an initial. I really missed my calling. I could’ve been Mikey K, child freestyle singer of the 80s!) Johnny O (born name: Juan Ortiz) had the looks of a butch Prince mixed with a Latino Morris Day and his singing voice sounded like a nervous baby mumbling under his breath. Johnny’s O biggest hit was 1988′s “Fantasy Girl” and every time I hear it, I think of my cousins blasting a warped copy of it on a boombox at family parties while dancing on top of chairs (aka the closest thing to a go go box) on the side driveway.

In life, there’s a million unanswered questions, but one of life’s biggest unanswered questions is, “Why isn’t there a video for Fantasy Girl on YouTube?!” The closest thing I could find is this audio of “Fantasy Girl” paired with a picture of Johnny O dressed up like a sailor in the Tom of Finland world. The intro is really, really long, because back then, you needed time to warm up your dance moves before the lyrics popped up and you could really break it down.

Wikipedia says that Johnny O lives with his family in Florida and he still performs today. In 2007, he released a Christian dance album and you probably didn’t read any of that since you’re empty inside from Johnny O swallowing your soul as you stared into his eyes in that video.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Hardeep Singh Kohli, the British broadcaster who brought his A+++ patriotic fashion game to the BBC News coverage of the Scotland vote last night.

Today, THE QUEEN is slipping on her leather glove while she sits on her throne and is waiting for Scotland to lay themselves over her lap so she can spank them hard for trying to run away from her. The Guardian says that almost 45% of voters in Scotland voted to turn Great Britain into Eh, It’s Okay Britain by breaking away from THE QUEEN. 55% voted to make Alan Cumming sad by voting NO to become an independent country. Around 84% of eligible voters voted. David Cameron, the PM of the United Kingdom, said this statement of words after the vote was made official:

The people of Scotland have spoken. It is a clear result. They have kept our country of four nations together. Like millions of other people, I am delighted. As I said during the campaign, it would have broken my heart to see our United Kingdom come to an end.

And I know that sentiment was shared by people, not just across our country, but also around the world….because of what we’ve achieved together in the past and what we can do together in the future. So now it is time for our United Kingdom to come together, and to move forward.

THE QUEEN issued this statement:

If the United Kingdom was Destiny’s Child, I’d be the Beyonce and you, Scotland, would be the Farrah. You go when I tell you to go. Do not fuck with me again. Bleheheheeheheh!

But really, according to some emails I got last night and this morning, the badass star of the night was Hardeep Singh Kohli, a British broadcaster and Scottish Sikh who grew up in Scotland and works in England. Hardeep came to play hard by wearing a kilt, aviators, turquoise turban, t-shirt, white socks and sneakers. The dude next to him is like, “I’m only wearing boring broadcaster clothes, my argument is invalid.” I know about the whole “democracy is best, blah, blah” thing, but Hardeep really should’ve been the only vote, because a dude who puts together an ensemble like that should make all the decisions.

Pic: Twitter

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Brian, a 4-year-old Samoyed from England who loves eating thongs so much that he ate a thong, got surgery to get it removed and ate another one. And now you’ll have the Thong Song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. “Let me eat that thaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-ong.

When some drunk wrecks (see: me maybe once or twice) get so drunk that they barf their insides out, they don’t take that as a serious hint and switch out the sweet nectar for water or coffee. They wipe the puke from their mouths and keep boozing. They drop and reload. That’s what this hot bitch Brian is in the news for, but replace “booze” with “thongs” and replace “barf” with “surgery.” Brian (Side note: I love it when dogs have people names) loves nom nom nom-ing on panties so much that he won’t let a little thing called “a two-hour surgery” get in the way of him turning his stomach into a chonies drawer.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The memaw in a rocking chair who screamed “YEW STINKUH! in the David E. Kelley logo that played after every episode of Ally McBeal, The Practice, Boston Public and all of his other shows.

While writing about the Dancing Twins from Ally McBeal the other day, I remembered the grandma in the rocking chair who got knocked the hell out by the David E. Kelley logo after every episode. That shit was blatant memaw abuse! It’s like the prequel to the Life Alert commercial. That logo better have run its ass out of there and stowaway’d on a ship heading out of the country or joined the Abuelita Protection Program, because you know once that grandma pulled herself out of that chair, she put on all her rings, pulled off her shoe, got her switch (Adrian Peterson’s sensei, is that you?) and went after that brat ass logo.

But seriously, this is probably a posthumous HSOTD, because according to an article from The Baltimore Sun published in 1998, the grandma in the logo was David E. Kelley’s actual grandma Mildred. Mildred was 97 in 1998. David lived with Granny Mildred when he was in law school and “YEW STINKUH!” was one of her favorite phrases to say.

So Granny Mildred is in heaven, screaming “YEW STINKUH!” at the brat angels who interrupt her TV time.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

The Colombian women’s cycling team uniform that had everyone seeing chocha over the weekend!

When the Colombian women’s cycling team showed up to a race in Tuscany, Italy last week, everyone thought they were members of the Miley Cyrus women’s cycling team since it looked like their crotches weren’t covered. But they were just working some Trompe-l’œil coochies, because that beige, gold-ish fabric only made it look like they were serving up a row of hairless beavers. I love their unsuspecting looks that say, “Why are all of the photographers crouching down and pointing their lenses at our down low parts?” That is the same face Brit Brit used to make when she’d get out of a car with no panties on.

Some hos on Twatter freaked out about this and wondered how in the hell did nobody notice before sending them out in public? Of course they noticed. One of the team’s members designed that mess and I’m guessing that she and the sponsors got what they wanted. I mean, we’re all talking about the Colombian women’s cycling team aren’t we? Well, played! But Brian Cookson, the President of the Union Cycliste Internationale, isn’t slow clapping at all and thinks their uniforms are highly UNACCEPTABLE!

To the many who have raised the issue of a certain women’s team kit, we are on the case. It is unacceptable by any standard of decency

Oh, please. Throw some cold water on that boner, Mr. Cookson. It’s not that serious. But I do agree that the uniforms need a little tweaking. If these were the uniforms for the Brazilian women’s cycling team, they’d be perfect. But it’s Colombia! They should add a little landing strip or something.

And according to Metro UK, this is what the Colombian men’s cycling team uniform looks like:

Male cycle team

That Ken Doll crotch is not a good look. They deserve better too. The designers should attach two ball-shaped water jugs to the crotch and attached to those ball-shaped water jugs should be a long, girthy hose that reaches all the way to the cyclist’s mouth so he can quench his thirst while racing. They can call that contraption cocktraption the ThermoLeto!

Pics: Twitter

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Miss Ohio’s ventriloquist dummy, Roxy, from last night’s hairspray’d and sequined train wreck known as the Miss America pageant!

Last night was that time of year again when 20-somethings do themselves up like 45-year-old Texas trophy wives circa 1988 to battle it out for a scholarship and a rhinestone crown. There were a few Hot Sluts last night including my favorite author Jane Austin, Stone Cold Steve Austin’s sister who writes wrestling erotica in the style of Jane Austen. But the HSOTD title goes to Roxy, the terrifying ventriloquist dummy, that performed with Miss Ohio’s Giada de Laurentiis-looking ass during the talent portion. Roxy has hair as lusciously soft as Dolly Parton’s wig, the fashion sense of early 90s Marie Osmond, skin as naturally taut as the late Joan Rivers’ and she’s a total bitch. Miss New York won the crown, but Roxy stole all of our hearts and what I mean by that is, some of our hearts tried to jump out of our chests and run for the nearest exit while watching her in action, because she is terrifying.

Somewhere, someone is fapping to this and that someone is either David Lynch or a serial killer. If you watched this beautiful mess last night and didn’t sleep for one second, because every time you closed your eyelids you saw Roxy’s horrifying face staring back at you, thank the camera person and their close-up shots. But really, Miss  Ohio and Roxy were robbed! Miss New York’s “talentwas copy + pasting Anna Kendrick’s cup act from Pitch Perfect. That act might be entertaining and cute (no, it wouldn’t) if it was done by a 5-year-old during a kindergarten talent show, but this is the MISS AMERICA pageant (which we all know is the epicenter of pure talent). Miss New York better sleep with a blow torch next to her, because Roxy is going to break into her bedroom and steal the crown that rightfully belongs to her.

And HSOTD honorable mention goes to this cooch (I’m talking about the cooch on the left):

Screen-Shot-2014-09-15-at-7.22.26-AM

The Miss America pageant is supposed to be classier than Miss USA and Miss Nebraska proved that to be true last night by crotchbombing Chris Harrison. Roxy should’ve won the crown and Miss Nebraska’s peach panties should’ve won Miss Congeniality.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

The surprise guest in this cat video!

Cats are silly bitches who are permanently on drugs and are easily entertained by simple, stupid things like cardboard boxes, humans and plastic bags full of stuff. So this video starts out with a cat doing what cats do. That cat’s just playing with another thing put on this planet to entertain it when BOOM, that plastic bag comes alive and that cat nearly jumps out of its fur coat. (“I haven’t seen a trick get THAT spooked by a pussy since my first date with Johnny!” – Kelly Preston)

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, lying on a bed, wanting to scare a cat? The puss in that plastic bag obviously does, because it totally got high from spooking its friend. That plastic bag cat is probably a dog in a Morris the Cat costume. It gets extra HSOTD points for being a ginger.

And I’m not totally sure, but this could be a weird PSA for California’s plastic bag ban.

via Tastefully Offensive

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 13, 2014 / Posted by:

The Dancing Twins from Ally McBeal!

The psychological TV drama Ally McBeal (about a mentally disturbed Boston woman whose parents fed her loads and loads of LSD as a child which caused her to live in a permanent acid flashback) delivered many memorable bitches like that terrifying Dancing Baby, the original elusive chanteuse Vonda Shepard and Ally’s sheep cloud pajamas. The tattered, half-broken shoe box I call a brain remembers many Ally McBeal characters, but I totally forgot about The Dancing Twins until Dlisted reader Guillermo sent me an email about them. The Dancing Twins would show up at the club where the easy listening Taylor Dane (aka Vonda Shepard) sang and they’d dance with Ally and Renee. The Dancing Twins were a double dose of Ecstasy and they’d take everyone higher by busting out hot moves in unison while dressed up like an episode of Three’s Company drooled all over them. They were played by Eric and Steve Cohen.

Surprisingly, dozens of unauthorized biographies about The Dancing Twins haven’t been written, so there’s not much information about them. I did come across this important bio (which was totally not written by them):

Although not a part of the primary cast the dancing twins have seemed to gain a lot of popularity with the viewers, so I thought I would do the bio on them this week. You gotta love those twins!! Eric & Steve Cohen are multi-skilled entertainers! With their BA’s from Stanford University, they could have gone on to do anything, but fortunately for us, they decided to come to Hollywood and share their talents. They are best known as The Dancing Twins on Ally McBeal. They choreograph all their hot moves, which include the “Funky Chicken”, “Robocop”, and “The Train”. They have also been recognized for their juggling skills, and can be seen juggling in such films as “Batman Forever”, “Batman and Robin”, and the upcoming “Baby Geniuses”, and on the television shows “Seinfeld”, “Mad About You”, and “Baywatch”. Besides dancing and professional juggling, their other skills include: unicycle, ping pong, accordion, chess, balloon animals, crossword puzzles, typing 101 words per minute, pinball, piano, body building, plate spinning, and darts.

Fuck Ethan and Joel Coen. Eric and Steve Cohen are the ONLY brothers in Hollywood whose last name begins with CO that matter!

Here’s a piece from Hard Copy (never forget Terry Murphy) about them:

I don’t know what they’re doing now, but I do know that it’s a sad fact that they’re not judges on Dancing with the Stars.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 12, 2014 / Posted by:

The Gummy Bear Dick that brought the rage out of parents in New Zealand!

Jacqui Hawkins of Dunedin in New Zealand recently reached into a bag of gummy candies her daughters bought for their father’s birthday at a supermarket and she pulled out a gummy peen. Now, whenever I reach into a bag of candies, I pray that I’ll pull out a gummy dick and I’m always disappointed when I don’t. Jacqui Hawkins was disappointed when she DID pull out a gummy dick. Jacqui Hawkins and I could never be friends. Jacqui tells The New Zealand Herald that she’s shocked and disgusted and doesn’t think it’s funny at all. Jacqui has a point. It isn’t funny. I mean, that green gummy dick is all nuts and head and when I prefer my gummy dicks Leto-sized, not Gosselin-sized.

Willem Van de Geest, the managing director of the candy company that sells those gummy candies, tells the Herald there was a giant mix up. The Chinese manufacturer they buy those candies from sent them gummy dicks instead of gummy babies. His company has pulled thousands of bags of gummy dicks off of the shelves.

He was unaware ”inappropriate” lollies were inside the bag. “You have to look at it two or three times to think that doesn’t look right.” The offensive lolly was a gummy bear, and not a gummy baby, he said. The lollies were a ”one-off” and he had recalled and dumped thousands of bags.

Dumped them where?! They should dump them on my front door, because unlike those prude ass New Zealand parents, I’ll gladly eat a delicious bag of dicks. Besides, my stash of lighthouse gummies is running low.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 11, 2014 / Posted by:

The FBI Warning that played before every movie on VHS!

Those were really the days when you couldn’t start watching a movie on VHS without getting hit with a serious note from the FBI warning you of severe punishment if you get caught watching a bootleg. If you were watching a copy of a copy of a movie, you felt like a law-breaking, don’t give a shit rebel while reading that warning. You probably yelled “Come at me!” at that warning before taking another bite out of a Red Vine like a true bad bitch. I’d always fast forward through that warning and one time while watching a movie with a friend, she screamed at me, “Don’t fast forward! The FBI can see you!” Haha, crazy ass. (Cut to the FBI breaking down my front door and arresting me for fast forwarding through their VHS warnings in the 80s.)

And I know, somebody really needs to adjust the tracking on that GIF.

GIF via Tumblr

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