Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Anderson Pooper! 

Anderson Pooper deserves to be HSOTD for the simple fact that her name is Anderson Pooper and being named Anderson Pooper is something that lands on the list of Amazing Life Accomplishments That Most Living Things Only Wish They Could Accomplish. Anderson Pooper could lay around and think to herself “I don’t have to do shit since I’ve already accomplished everything by being named Anderson Pooper. Well, actually, I do have to at least shit so I can continue to live up to my name.” But Anderson Pooper has accomplished much more than being named Anderson Pooper. Anderson Pooper’s humans Dave and Brenda Sizer tell the NYDN that they adopted her four years ago through a nonprofit animal charity group called Animals with Disabilities that Brenda runs.

Anderson Pooper was in a bad accident 4 years ago, which paralyzed her back legs and she has to wear a diaper for the rest of her life. She got the name Anderson Pooper after one day, Brenda was changing her diaper and told Dave that she was a major shitter. A caca-filled light bulb popped up over Dave’s head and he gifted her with the name Anderson Pooper, because she’s a champion caca go-er and Anderson is Brenda’s maiden name.

Anderson Pooper’s last human gave her a cart that didn’t fit very well, so she couldn’t really move around. After Dave and Brenda adopted her ass, they got her some wheels that fit her well and she’s been running around everywhere ever since. Dave says that Anderson Pooper loves to run and there’s no stopping her ass. Anderson Pooper loves to run so much that Dave and Brenda entered her into a dog race in Seattle earlier this month.

“She loves running. Any chance she gets she’s all in for it. We’ll take her to the coast and she’ll run on the beach and we have a hard time keeping up with her. A lot of times people see her and go ‘awww, poor thing.’ We always say ‘don’t feel sorry for her. She could care less her legs don’t work. She’s as happy as she could be.’”

And here’s a short video of Anderson Pooper slaying the race. Run, Pooper, run!

Anderson Pooper didn’t place, but she’s still the real winner. I mean, can the winners say that their name sounds like the name of an Anderson Cooper look-alike gay porn star who specializes in scat? I think not!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 27, 2014 / Posted by:

The cherry pellets that fed the dark soul of the Baby All Gone doll in the 90s!

One of the 90s most scariest villains (besides Spandex biker shorts with nothing on over them, of course) was the Baby Alive Doll who manipulated its way into homes with its cute plastic baby doll face and most likely partied hard, ate souls and caused chaos when its family went to sleep. Because kids are weird and really got into feeding a plastic inanimate object a spoonful of disgusting powdered, mashed cherries and bananas, Baby Alive was a hit when it came out in the early 90s. Wikipedia says that after the success of Baby Alive, Hasbro put out Baby All Gone, which was less “cartoon-ey” (read: MORE ALIVE) than Baby Alive. They swapped out the mashed banana diarrhea that Baby Alive ate for food that looked like tiny pellets.

One of the foods that Baby All Gone ate were cherries that didn’t look like cherries at all. What in the HELL kind of GD cherries are those? They look like eggs from a gay fish or like Barbie’s plastic period clots. One of my little cousins had one of these dolls and I remember the cherries smelling like cherries that were picked off of a tree that was watered with melted cherry Lip Smackers and Jolly Ranchers. Shit was sweet. But really, those weren’t cherries. They were obviously pills! Look at them. If you watch the commercial, Baby All Gone inhales them and she can’t get those pills in her body fast enough. She’s also got all the signs of a pill popper. That peroxide “Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream” hair, those cracked out eyes that never blink. Pill popping baby. It’s Valley Of The Baby All Gone Dolls!

In conclusion: I really want to get my hands on a jar of those cherry pills now. You know it’s some good shit.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 26, 2014 / Posted by:

The Russian blossom who tried to save her car from getting jailed by shaking out some lukewarm stripper movies on top of the tow truck.

I don’t know what it’s like in Russia, but over here, getting your car towed will ruin your day. You have to either sell your organs or sell your ass to pay for your car’s freedom and you have to drag yourself to the tow yard. It’s an ordeal that nobody wants to go through. So when you catch your car getting shackled and almost dragged away, you beg, you cry, you try to bribe them, you offer to suck their dicks (you probably do that anyway, SLUT!) and you throw yourself on your car like your car is a coffin carrying Viking Vampire Eric and you’re Ginger. When this demure Russian dewdrop’s car was about to be towed away, she thought outside of the box by taking off her pants and thrusting her box during a PG-13 stripper dance show on the tow truck. This is why your phone should always be loaded with “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” because you never know when you need to blast that shit while working a hanging chain like it’s a pole to stop your car from getting towed. Bitch should be Miley Cyrus’ new choreographer.

Those tow truck hos must’ve been the Russian cousins of Sonia from Operacion Repo, because they were not impressed (or maybe they were waiting for her to give them nipples) and they towed her car anyway. Yes, it probably cost 17,000 Rubles or some shit to get her car out of car prison, but the entire Internet seeing her shake around on a tow truck in her chonies and sneakers is priceless.

via Uproxx

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

The Twerking Granny of Vine! 

Miley Cyrus’ Bisquick Shake ‘N Pour pancake ass bludgeoned, flattened and buried twerking months ago, but thankfully, this hot piece of granny sexiness resurrected it by twerking on a parked car in a backyard. Vine user Brittany Lyn Turner (via Jezebel) threw up a Vine of a memaw gone wild shaking her bits and wattles for the camera. While some abuelitas slap you down with a chancleta, this abuelita slaps you down with her twerking ass. Brittany Lyn Turner threw up the Vine with this little note: Susan b Anthony #shetwerkin #twerkteam #twerkdonphonics. We should’ve known that the reincarnation of feminist icon Susan B. Anthony would be a hot, horny memaw who is always exercising her right as a nana to hop on the back of a car, pull up her dress and give everyone an eyeful of her JcPenney chonies while she humps the air. When we all reach the “Activia daiquiris and Benefiber mojitos” phase of life and we’re not twerking our way to hip replacement surgery, we’re doing our golden years wrong.

Here’s the Vine that made the angels up in heaven look down and make a mental note to drop a “thank you” note into God’s comment box for gifting the Earth with this future captain of the Shady Pines Twerk Team. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, granny. Make your Life Alert explode!

The twerking granny should get together with the crutches-throwing dancing pepaw and Baddie Winkle and take their show international, so they can show the young whores out there how pure, raw bad ass sexiness is really done. And if you didn’t think it was possible for the reincarnation of Susan B. Anthony to serve you more heaping servings of seasoned class, click the cut and get into the Vine of her singing about dudes jacking off in her face while wearing a muumuu. MY IDOL! 

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

SprayCake, the microwavable spray cake batter that us lazy asses and the Mama June set have been dreaming of for centuries!

Humanity has reached peak evolvement, because we no longer have to sprain our hands while mixing powdered cake batter with tap water and we no longer have to bite our finger tips off while anxiously waiting for our ovens to shit out a fully baked caaaaaaake. Microwavable spray cake is FINALLY here. Two students at Harvard named Brooke Nowakowski and John McCallum came up with the idea for a class project and brought it to life. They are now the most important Americans who ever existed and I’m not even mad that they didn’t give credit to the real genius who gave them the idea: WEEEEEEEED.

Brooke and John tell CBS Boston (important interview below) that they researched to see if a patent for microwavable spray cake has ever been filed and they couldn’t believe it when they discovered that no such patent exists. Sure, crap like Warm Delights and Batter Blaster (I know, that’s the title of my favorite bukkake porn too) exists, but nobody has EVER put cake batter in a whipped-cream can. All you have to do is spray that cake batter in a microwavable container, nuke that shit for 60 seconds and out will come a freshly baked cake that probably tastes like the yeast infection a piece of cardboard would produce after doing itself with a dildo made of sugar. Delicious!

Brooke and John are working on patenting their invention and have already found someone to sell it.

I hope that SprayCake comes in a bigger size other than extra small (that’s an extra small-sized can, right?), because when I’m lonely, stoned and sad on a Saturday night, I’m going to stick that can in my mouth and guzzle my way to happiness. And I’m going to be really damn mad if that little can empties before my pain and emotions have fully drowned in spray can cake batter. Jennifer Aniston probably pre-ordered a dozen boxes of SprayCake, just in case….

via HuffPo

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Chachi, the one-eyed chihuahua and Joanie the pit bull, his best friend and protector!

Before I start throwing up eye roll-worthy stuff about fame whores and pieces of trash, here’s a giant cup of feelings for us to start our day with. HuffPo says that about a week ago, cops found Joanie and Chachi wandering around a neighborhood in Savannah, GA together. Animal Control Officers showed up to check the two out and when they arrived, they found Joanie carrying her injured friend in her mouth. Joanie would put Chachi down from time to time to lick his busted eye (an evil cat did it, obviously) and cops say that he “appreciated the attention.” The two best friends were taken to the Savannah Chatham Metropolitan Animal Control Shelter and they had to be separated while vets treated Chachi’s bum eye. They weren’t able to save his eye, but they patched him up and now he gets to see his BFF 4 EVA for an hour or two during the day.

The police were hoping that Joanie and Chachi’s owner would’ve come to the shelter to claim them by now, but either that owner doesn’t know where they are or that owner has a dead heart made of Lucifer’s ass nuggets, because no one has come forward. Joanie and Chachi are now up for adoption and I would take their asses in a second if I lived anywhere near Savannah and if my dog wouldn’t hate me for making him their third wheel (aka the Richie to Joanie and Chachi’s Joanie and Chachi). The shelter is hoping to adopt them together, because they only have eyes for each other. Well, Joanie only has eyes for Chachi, but Chachi only has an eye for Joanie.

hsotdsjoaniandchachi1

Animal Control Officer Christina Sutherin says that Joanie and Chachi are special friends and they should never be parted:

“It’s not every day we get to see such devotion between two special dogs like this. They are both such sweet animals. But the relationship they share just sets them apart. “Staff is amazed at the dedication and love these two have for one another. Neither one seems to care about another dog they are exposed to, only each other. They truly appear to be soul mates.”

They really are soulmates…. Unless, they’re really criminal partners on the run and they aren’t getting closer to other dogs, because they don’t want to blow their cover. Either way, I’ve overdosed on awwwwws and now I’m filled with sunshine, rainbows and hope. I need to go and read a Justin Bieber story so I feel dead inside again.

Pics: The Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan Police Department Facebook page

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Agnes McKee, the 105-year-old bad bitch of  Oceanside, CA who threw the first pitch at some Padres game on Sunday!

Carly Rae Jepsen, 50 Cent and Mimi need to hire Agnes McKee to teach them how not to throw a first pitch like a half-blind, paraplegic T-Rex. Because Agnes McKee puts all of them to shame (although, that’s not really hard to do). The San Diego Padres asked Agnes McKee to throw out the first pitch at one of their games, because her war veteran husband, who died last year, played baseball in the olden days. After Agnes accepted the Padres’ invitation, she trained at her retirement home in Oceanside, because she didn’t want to look like a total dumb shit out there (see: 50, Carly, etc…). Agnes threw out an underhand pitch and confirmed my suspicions: if we were back in the 5th grade together and it was time to pick teams for softball, she’d get picked way before I did. But then again, a half-blind paraplegic T-Rex would get picked before me.

The Cy Young of memaws told KSWB-San Diego after throwing the first pitch that she’s not really into the Padres, because they don’t win shit.

“I haven’t been very into the Padres because they don’t ever win any games. I tried to learn the names of some of the ball players in case somebody asked me that.”

We all know where this is going. The Padres suck and Agnes McKee is a world-class pitcher. You don’t need to have the impeccable SLYCIC skills of The Long Island Medium to know that at the 2015 World Series, the announcer will announce, “And pitching first for the Padres is Agnes McKee!”

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Jocasta Odom (no relation to Lamar, I think…), the baptist minister and Bow Tie Queen of Lovejoy, GA from Big Brother 16!

When Big Brother’s Sweet Sixteen season started, I didn’t think that much of Jocasta. I wanted to get into her since she takes styling tips from Bill Nye, and in her intro piece she said that before she devoted herself to God and Jesus, she did everything and did everyone. A former slut who’s addicted to bow ties?! YES! But then the game started and as everyone began making moves, Jocasta just sat there in her bow tie, doing nothing. She should’ve used her powers of the bow tie to become the ring master of the game, but instead she became the sad clown and sometimes I’d forget she was even there. The wallpaper became a more memorable character than Jocasta.

But on last night’s episode, Jocasta’s breakout moment came when the holy spirit grabbed onto her soul and she started talking in tongues during a competition. Jocasta and her partner Amber were battling it out with Victoria and Brittany in the Battle of the Block competition. If Amber and Jocasta won, they’d come off the block and wouldn’t be up for eviction anymore. The competition was sort of like a big game of chess and Jocasta was the first one knocked out, so it was up to Amber to win that shit for them. Jocasta said that she was leaving it up to God and while on the sidelines, she paced back and forth as her jaw chattered. I thought she was having an anxiety attack! She acted like my chihuahua when I’m driving him to the vet and he realizes that he’s about to get a thermometer shoved up his ass. (I know, he freaks out and gets the scareds over getting something shoved up his ass. How is he my dog?!)

I thought Jocasta’s jaw was going to chatter off of her skull the same way a trick’s jaw nearly falls off of her skull when she tries to blow the Hammaconda. . It took me a second to realize that Jocasta wasn’t having some kind of seizure, she was taking us to her Baptist Church by speaking in tongues. Jocasta must do that a lot, because nobody threw a “Should I scream for a medic?” side-eye at her. Jocasta’s tongue speaking obviously worked, because Amber beat Victoria and Brittany!

She sounds like me when I try to rap along to Supersonic. Believe this, Jocasta’s alliance with GOD will win her the game (no, it won’t)!

But seriously, Jocasta’s holy freakout was probably the result of God shaking her while screaming, “Stop bothering me with this stupid Big Brother shit!”

Vid via Rickey

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 20, 2014 / Posted by:

This fluffy ball of pure pussy evil who took a piss on a mole’s head. (“Hmmm, I have read that the natural way to treat a cancerous mole is to gently drizzle cat piss on it.” – Shailene Woodley)

In life, sometimes you’re minding your own business and doing you when a motherfucker has to screw with your day by getting in your space and pissing on your head. That’s what happened to Mr. Mole here. This mole was just doing whatever the hell moles do when a bitchy ass cat ruined its day by: a) trying to hunt its ass and: b) dropping a nasty, toxic pussy piss stream into its house. That cat is a total asshole, but it gives no fucks and it’s living out one of life’s greatest proverbs: If you can’t beat ‘em, piss on the bitch. But you know, maybe this isn’t what it looks like. Maybe this is what the mole wanted. Maybe that mole put up a Craigslist casual encounters ad that looked like this:

Looking for NSA rough play and golden showers fun – m4c (my hole in the field) Hot mole looking for anonymous golden shower play with a cat. You show up to my hole and Whack-A-Mole me a bit before pissing and leaving. No talking! No recip! NSA ONLY! Be bladder infection free. NO FLAKES! Serious replies ONLY!

So maybe that puss isn’t pissing out an act of bitchery. Maybe it’s pissing out an act of romantic love.

via Tastefully Offensive

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

July 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Nuttin’ Nyce!

I was reminded of the swap meet version Salt-n-Pepa after a search for pictures of Blaque’s exquisite bubble wrap couture brought me to a list of forgotten R&B gems of the 90s. Nuttin’ Nyce (which sounds like the name of a raunchy all-squirrel group from Alvin and the Chipmunks) were formed in 1992 in Sacramento, CA and consisted of LaTeece Wallace, Onnie Ponder, and Eboni Foster. They’re probably best known for their song “Down 4 Whateva”, which was featured in the soundtrack to A Low Down Dirty Shame, but I’ll always remember them for being filthy as fuck. Nuttin’ Nyce was like the female 2 Live Crew; all their songs were about poppin’ that pussy and getting their hump on. It’s like 3 strippers with ok voices were offered a recording contract. They were shameless. I loved it. Sadly, they only released one album in 1993 (Down 4 Whateva) and split up three years later.

Everybody remembers “Down 4 Whatevea”, but I remember being truly scandalized when I heard “Froggy Style”. I think I might have been in 8th grade or something, and I thought it was the nastiest, slimiest, grimiest hump jam I’d ever heard in my life. I had no idea what ‘froggy style’ was, but I assumed it was something like doggy style plus a couple wine coolers. Now that I’m older, I realize it’s actually pretty gross. Imagine if you were about to have sex and someone said “I’m gonna fuck you like a pond-dwelling amphibian”? I doubt you’d respond with: “Oh yeah, do me like Kermit.”

And I know those bananas are supposed to represent dicks, but that scene in the kitchen just looks like they’re filming an infomercial for the Ninja Blender.

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