Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

The firefighters from the Lacey Fire Department in Lacey, Washington who rescued a family of hamsters from a fire and saved 4 of them by giving them oxygen!

Well, it looks like that soul-warming picture of a firefighter giving oxygen to a kitten has some company in the file of photos I look at whenever I want to awwww out of my skin and actually feel things.

KOMO News says that on Friday night, firefighters responded to a mobile home fire in Lacey and once they got inside, they didn’t find any humans, but they did find two grown-up hamsters named Madonna and Oreo (I. CAN. NOT.) and their three babies. The entire hamster family had passed the hell out from smoke inhalation. Firefighters carried the hamster family out of the burning home. Once they got outside, they consulted their “pet emergency pocket guide” and quickly made a make-shift oxygen mask that was tiny enough for the baby hamster faces.

Tim Hulse of the Lacey Fire Department said they were able to save 4 of the hamsters, but sadly, one of them is now running on a wheel made of clouds in heaven. Tim Hulse told Today that saving hamsters is all part of the job:

“The primary reason we were there was to put out a house fire. But we’re in the business of customer service, and any time we’re called to help people, we do the best we can to make their bad situation a little better.”

I’m going to need the Lacey Fire Department to break down my door, drag me out and give me oxygen, because I think I’m about to pass out from the awww-ness overload.

And the Lacey PD should bring Madonna and Oreo in for questioning. I mean, hamsters do eat their babies. Bring them in and put them under the tiny light!

Pic: Lacey Fire Department

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Frozen juice concentrate! 

Frozen juice concentrate was the beverage of my childhood. My mom was always into healthy crap (I know, the “don’t fill your body with delicious sugar-filled preservatives” gene must’ve skipped a generation) and always tried to give us healthy crap. She didn’t regularly buy us Coke or Kool-Aid, because shit wasn’t healthy (“Um, grape Kool-Aid IS a fruit, you dumb trash” – Mama June) and I was already as hyper as a coked up chihuahua. I didn’t need more sugar. Ritalin tea didn’t exist back then, so she gave us frozen juice concentrate! It was healthier, because it was JUICE and the generic brands were kind of cheap. We drank it the way White Oprah drinks Georgi Vodka. We practically bathed in it and any kid pissing next to me in the bathroom always said out loud, “Why does it smell like white grapes in here?” That crap ran through our veins.

Not only is frozen juice concentrate healthier, because it’s JUICE, but you also get a workout from making it. One of my little cousins once complained while opening a plastic bottle of orange juice. I let that brat know that when I was a kid, we had to make our juice. The scars on my hands are from making hundreds of pitchers of frozen juice concentrate. You had to take the frozen juice concentrate out of the freezer, pull off that white plastic tab thing, yank off the metal lid and then squeeze that frozen stuff into a pitcher and every time you squeezed it, you had to make a wet fart sound with your mouth. Then you had to add water and stir at least a million times until it became juice. THE STRUGGLE. Making that stuff was the most exercise I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.

When we got older, my mom stopped buying frozen juice concentrate, because she believed lemon water was healthier than healthier. And when I started making my own money, I never bought it, because I could buy soda and booze instead.

Frozen juice concentrate and I met again last night while I looked online for ways to “spice up” my usual sangria recipe of boxed wine and Sprite. I came across a recipe for sangria made with frozen juice concentrate and my eyes also landed on a highly educational video that teaches you how to make red wine from Welch’s grape juice concentrate. Oh, frozen juice concentrate, you’re now all grown up and have really classed up your act. Speaking of classy, whenever I wanted a delicious frozen treat as a kid, I ate frozen juice concentrate right out of the can with a spoon. I ate fine sorbet before I even knew what sorbet was.

Pic: AL.com

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Dean and Cristy Parave, the devout Christian bodybuilding swingers from America’s #1 purveyor of pure foolery, Florida!

After I threw up that post the other day about the Duggars and all of their fun-hating, screwed-up rules for dating and sex, a few crazy Evangelical types splashed holy water in my face through e-mail by telling me that I AM NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-UH and need the word of the lord in me. I told them all to deep throat a holy dick, but maybe I do the lord in me and these two charbroiled, ripped, Christian Florida jewels are the ones to do it. Dean Parave (heh, his initials are DP) found Jesus after he couldn’t take being a junkie and alcoholic anymore, and a few years later he found his stunning wife Cristy at a bodybuilding competition. They married in 2007 and became swingers after meeting a couple at Home Depot (it’s always Home Depot). Now when Dean and Cristy aren’t lifting for Jesus, they’re spreading the word of the lord while spreading their legs for their neighbor’s wife or husband. Dean says that he knows the bible says thou shalt stick it in his neighbor’s wife doggy-style, but it’s okay to stick it in your neighbor’s wife doggy-style as long as your neighbor is into it.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 27, 2014 / Posted by:

This patient, side eye-throwing fluffy white fur friend who wants that piece of watermelon more than he wants anything in the world.

This riveting and suspenseful clip with a sad ending from Korean YouTuber 우끼끼 has over 650,000 hits, because people really relate to that fluffy white fur friend. We’re all just a fluffy white dog, patiently waiting for life to give us a piece of watermelon. But don’t be this dog. Learn from this dog. Don’t sit there as life eats up that delicious piece of watermelon after dangling it front of you like the cruel trick it is. Before life eats up that watermelon, jump on life, scratch at its face, take that watermelon and run to the kitchen to get some hot sauce for your piece of watermelon. Really, who the hell eats watermelon without salt and hot sauce?

via VVV

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September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Malt Duck malt liquor, the refined purple nectar of the GODS!

When I was a teenager (yes, I typed that while smelling like Icy Hot and throwing rocks at the brats playing on my lawn), we got plastered on the precious nectar that runs through the streams up in heaven’s most immaculate garden. We got drunk on Strawberry Hill. And when I was a kid, some of the teenagers in my neighborhood got plastered on the purple rain that falls from above in heaven. They got plastered on MALT DUCK! Malt Duck was cheap as shit, came in a six or eight pack (I think) and I also remember it coming in chimichanga dick-sized bottles (short and fat). You could get it in grape flavor or apple flavor. I never ever tasted it and that’s one of my biggest regrets in life. I’m assuming it tasted like Prince’s purple sweet wet kiss, or like grape cough syrup mixed with piss and turpentine. Delicious!

Apparently, Malt Duck liquor was sent to the malt liquor graveyard sometime in 1991. You can still find some bottles or cans on auction sites for around $1.99 a bottle and that might seem like a lot of cash for that cheap crap, but that shit is vintage now and vintage costs. But if you drank Malt Duck in the olden times, you’re probably not interested in buying more since you still have a hangover from it.

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September 25, 2014 / Posted by:

The Bobby Ball Bag, the perfect fame whore tool for reality show messes who want to avoid tan lines while getting as much attention as possible!

Bobby Norris, from the BAFTA-winning British “reality” show TOWIE, got international attention (not really) when he completely changed up the man thong game (not at all) by wearing an elegantly designed asymmetrical thong while shooting scenes in Marbella last June. Bobby Norris is back and is once again fighting the good fight against tan lines while making his crotch area look as unattractive as possible. Bobby modeled his Bobby Ball Bag (which sounds like the name of a ball gag made of bobby socks) on a nude beach in Ibiza. I’ve put the pics behind the cut, because they might be a little NSFW and I figured you need to be warned before getting slapped in the eyes with trimmed dude pubes and a suffocating ball bag that makes Bobby’s crotch look like a decapitated duct tape teddy bear head.

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September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

State Senator Jim Ferlo, the Pennsylvania State Senator who came out to the public during a press conference yesterday morning by basically blurting out, “Yeah, I like dick AND?”

During a press conference in Harrisburg about updating the state’s hate crime law to include LGBT citizens, State Senator Ferlo, who’s a co-sponsor of the proposal, took to the mic and spoke for a few minutes before letting everyone who doesn’t know that he’s gay and if you’re not into it, you can get over it. Personally if I was a Pennsylvania lawmaker, I’d come out by sliding down a plastic prop rainbow as Sharon Needles lip-synched “I’m Coming Out” next to me, but Jim Ferlo’s way is the better way. While standing next to openly gay hot woof daddy House Representative Brian Sims, Jim Ferlo said this:

“Since I was a teenager and sexually active, I have only been with women from teenage years to the years of 22, 23, 24. Great relationships, no hard feelings, but I’ve been a practicing homosexual, and I am gay, since at least the age of 24 or 25. I didn’t need a psychiatrist or psychologist. I just decided this was something that is normal for me, comfortable. My mother always used to tell me, she’d be 102 years old now if she was still living, ‘God don’t make no junk.’ It was just something that seemed natural and as many of us in the gay community say, ‘Don’t fight the feeling.’ Well, I’ve never fought the feeling and I’ve had great friendships, relationships. Hundreds of people know I’m gay. I just never made an official declaration. I never felt I had to wear a billboard on my forehead. But I’m gay. Get over it. I love it. It’s a great life.”

Jim Ferlo spit out some “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!” shit AND he quoted REO Speedwagon. That is how it’s done.

Pic: Queerty, Story via Towleroad

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September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The Vulgar Chef! 

Yesterday, Buzzfeed posted about a red velvet corn dog (the baked overused tampon-looking ass thing in the top right) made by food blogger The Vulgar Chef and that led me to his Instagram where I got stuck in a giant dumpster of captions that speak to my soul and food shit that looks like a cross between crap found in the bottom of the most used Port-A-Potty at a county fair in the South and gourmet delicacies Mama June would make if she was a contestant on Top Chef. The Vulgar Chef cooks up shit that only looks delicious to your mouth if you’re stoned, drunk or your last name is Spears. But his captions really sell that mess. On the top left is a burger thing that looks like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a DIY abortion wrapped in a botched circumcision and The Vulgar Chef describes it with these words of pure poetry:

Just entered this fat titty fuck burger into a shitty fucking contest. Ground sirloin, smoked chipotle mayo, lemon garlic butter on fucking everything, Parmesan charred romaine lettuce, and a Kim Kardashian nipple sized slice of smoked Gouda. Yeah Kim. I saw the leaked pictures. That nipple-to-tit ratio is all fucked up. Looks like someone duct taped some salami to a couple of rotten pumpkins. The nipples are almost bigger than the tit area.

On the bottom left is a pickle that looks like it needs a priest, three jumbo shots of liquid Valtrex and a Hazmat soaking bath. Most free clinic doctors in the L.A. area will tell you that pickle is in “post-Paris Hilton condition.” The Vulgar Chef describes this Snooki wet dream like this:

Just your average caramel covered pickle with M&M’s all over that filthy little slut. One of the stranger things I have tasted. I’ve seen chocolate covered pickles, but fuck that shit. The chocolate cock has been jerked for too long. It’s caramels turn to bust a nut.

How is he not writing the menu descriptions for EVERY restaurant? Why is he not on the Food Network but Guy Fieri is? Why am I actually considering making that gross ass, heart attack-inducing hot dog mozzarella ball sandwich on the bottom right? These are the questions we should all be asking today.

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September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Charlo Greene, the local news reporter from Alaska who really wants to be the Inetta the Moodsetta of 2014!

After reporting about the Alaskan Cannabis Club during KTVA-TV’s 10 p.m. newscast last night, reporter Charlo Green knocked the bongs off of everyone’s mouths and dropped a double bomb when she announced her support for the weed legalization movement in Alaska and revealed herself as the owner of the Alaskan Cannabis Club. DUN DUN DUN. Charlo told viewers that she will be dedicating all her time and energy to fighting the good shit fight in Alaska and then she channeled the forever queen of resignations, Inetta the Moodsetta, by quitting her job with these words: “And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice. But, fuck it, I quit.” Fun Fact: Those are the EXACT words that Sarah Palin wrote on her resignation letter when she quit her job as governor.

Charlo Greene (Her last name is GREENE, the people watching KTVA at 10pm on Sunday night should’ve seen this TWIST coming) tells the Alaskan Dispatch News that she decided to quit her job in an ultra dramatic way, because she wants to give her cause national media attention:

“Because I wanted to draw attention to this issue. And the issue is medical marijuana. Ballot Measure 2 is a way to make medical marijuana real … most patients didn’t know the state didn’t set up the framework to get patients their medicine. If I offended anyone, I apologize, but I’m not sorry for the choice that I made.”

KTLA apologized for the fuck bomb in this statement:

“We sincerely apologize for the inappropriate language used by a KTVA reporter during her live presentation on the air tonight. The employee has been terminated.”

Whoever wrote that statement obviously got into the stash that Charlo hid in the bottom drawer of her desk, because they can’t fire her. SHE QUIT, you dumbasses!

This is almost better than Inetta’s iconic I QUIT THIS BITCH moment. When Inetta quit that bitch, I could feel papers in the HR department fly off of desks. But Charlo Greene is still an Alaskan hero, because she did what most of us have wanted to do at least once in our lives and she quit her job in the name of medical grade weed. This would’ve been perfect if she pulled off her tiny mic and dropped it at the very end.

And the anchor’s “The hell just happened?” face says it all. Bitch went out in a blaze and I mean that in more ways than one

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

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September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The tension-taming calm goddess on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea! 

The other day I was in the tea aisle at Target and I could hear the sound of Miss Coco Peru, famed drag artiste and star of Trick, disappointedly shaking her head back and forth while snapping her lips in disgust, because they didn’t have any Celestial Seasonings Tension Taymuh tea. Last year around the holiday times, Miss Coco Peru was feeling the tension, so she began her journey to find the elusive Tension Taymuh tea and she documented her adventures and put it on her YouTube channel. SPOILER ALERT: Her adventures had a sad, tragic, ending because she never found it.

So every time I’m in the tea section of any store, I look for Tension Tamer tea and I’ve never found it either. Why the hell don’t stores in the L.A. area want bitches to tame their tension? If they’re not going to sell the good shit at Target, they should at least sell Tension Tamer tea. It’s a government and pharmaceutical industry conspiracy, obviously. They want us to turn to Xanax and Valium to tame our tension when we can’t find any Tension Tamer tea! No wonder everyone is fucking crazy around here. They don’t have Tension Tamer tea to calm their asses. Hmmm, I wonder if your tension will really be tamed if you smoke Tension Tamer tea since mostly everything is better when smoked. I’ll never find out because I’ll never find a box of Tension Tamer tea.

I don’t know why nerds slobber over that Khaleesi chick from Game of Thrones. The calm maiden in the stunning red gown on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea is the true Queen of the Dragons. She tamed that dragon so hard that she can use it as a sofa to sit on while she sips her Tension Tamer tea.

If you haven’t seen Miss Coco Peru’s quest for Tension Tamer tea, here it is below. It’s tense, so it’s best to watch while sipping some Tension Tamer tea and if you don’t have any of that, watch it while snorting some crushed Valium like the pharmaceutical companies want you to!

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