Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Limon 7!

When I was a kid, nearly every single summer, my entire family, which is aaaaalmost bigger than the Duggar army, would go to the beach in Mexico for a couple of weeks. During that vacation, I’d open my eating hole whole wide with one of those mouth openers from the dentist and shove in as many Mexican snacks and candies as possible. One of the Mexican snacks of deliciosoness I’d eat like oxygen was Limon 7! My cousins used to buy several bags of that stuff (they also used to get it from the ice cream man in their neighborhoods), and it still exists today and will probably exist until the end of time and forever.

Limon 7, which sounds like the name of a Latina girl group inspired by Beyonce’s “Lemonade,” is basically just a lemon-flavored salt. It’s seasoning, pretty much. Us chirrun would sometimes put it on fruit and chips, but we’d mostly just eat it straight out of the packet. The growns would put it on a margarita or a Corona. I’m sure some of the hardcore Limonheads even snorted and/or freebased it in the bathroom.

I haven’t had Limon 7 in forever. I may find a way to drag my hermit crab body outside and go to a Mexican grocery store so that I can buy some and freebase it like the old days.

Happy Cinco De Mayo, everyone! Limon 7 4eva!

Pic: Amazon

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 4, 2016 / Posted by:

João Paulo, the blogger from Brazil who easily won the title of Best Dressed at the Met Gala and he didn’t even go to the Met Gala!

For about two years, 23-year-old João Paulo from Salvador, Brazil, has been re-creating the look-for-nothing versions of expensive ass ensembles worn by celebrities and he posts his creations on Instagram and Facebook. But on Monday night, his genius reached to masterpiece levels when he took on and conquered some of the looks of the Met Gala.

On the left, is Met Gala co-chair and leader of the Mall Madness crew Taylor Swift wearing a Louis Vuitton look that probably took dozens of hours of meetings to put together and cost 2000 times more than what all of my internal organs would get on the black market. (“So 2000 pennies then?” – my doctor) On the right is the Brazilian DIY couture master in a luxurious knock-off of Taylor’s look. João posted that pic the same night as the Met Gala, so I’m guessing that he has that Out of This World power that allows him to stop time by touching his fingers. Because his ensemble looks like it took hundreds of hours to create using stuff found in the recycling bin.

The fit is impeccable and in the words of Project Runway judge Neeeeeena Garcia, it looks expensive. João made foil from restaurant leftovers look like fabric weaved from crushed diamonds and black electrical tape look like the hide of an ebony unicorn. Not to mention, that his fried wig looks more luscious than Taylor’s mop. The Coco Chanel of Brazil easily won that battle.

After the cut are more looks that João took on:

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 3, 2016 / Posted by:

The topiary hair of wonder that Lupita Nyong’o wore to last night’s Met Gala!

When your hair has to stick out of the sunroof as you drive to the party and you have to swat away birds trying to build a nest at the top of your ‘do, you have done hair beauty right. Rita Ora was at the Mess Gala last night and usually she’s the one who makes everyone spit out a, “Who?” But last night, Lupita had everyone spitting out a “Who?” when she brought the Dr. Seuss-approved Who from Whoville glamour.

It may not look like it, but Lupita completely kept with the whole “technology and future” theme of the ball. The sources (in my imagination) tell me that her hair was actually a working cell phone tower. Nobody at that party ever said, “Can you hear me now?“, while talking into their phone and it was all thanks to Lupita’s technologically advanced hair of perfection!

UPDATE: Lupita posted a side-by-side pic on Instagram of her glorious Met Gala hair and her inspiration:

Hair Inspiration. Check. @vernonfrancois @voguemagazine #metball2016

A video posted by Lupita Nyong'o (@lupitanyongo) on

Pics: Getty, Splash

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

The Real Doll that got to live like a queen in Indonesia for a little while! 

Indonesia is mostly Muslim and Metro UK says that they consider solar eclipses a spiritual event. After there was a partial lunar eclipse on March 12, a fisherman from a small village on Banggai island  found a fuck doll floating in the ocean and thought she was an angel who fell from the sky during the solar eclipse. The local media reports that he took the fallen angel back to his house, where his family dressed her up in a new ensemble and hijab every single day and sat her in a chair like the queen she is.

This kind of reminds me of when people see Jesus on toast or bananas. But did important Hot Slut from 2009 Banana Jesus get dressed up in clothes and worshipped on a throne? I think not. Angel Real Doll is showing him up. Here she is clearly making a look that says, “Shush, nobody tell them that I’m soooo not a virgin.

hsotdrealdoll2016

When the news got around that the fisherman’s family had a holy angel living in their house, the police got involved and “investigated.” It didn’t take them too long to figure out that the angel was actually a sex doll and they took her away from the fisherman to “avoid any potential controversy.” Uh huh, I’m sure the officer who took her in is going to use a couple of his vacation days and lube sales on Banggai island are going to jump up by 1000%.

‘So it was checked by one of our team. It was a sex toy,’ the area’s police chief Heru Pramukarno said.

He said police took the doll away to avoid any potential controversy.

If that fuck doll could feel emotions and had a brain, she’d probably be pissed at the cops. She had it made. And if all-plastic blossom Courtney Stodden ever wants to be worshipped like a true holy queen, she should just float naked in the ocean off of Banggai island.

Pics: Detik News

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 1, 2016 / Posted by:

The lady with glorious hair like a fluffy peroxide cloud who let it be known that she wanted Warren G to take his ass out of the stadium, far, far away from her precious ears!

During a Cubs game at Wrigley Field in Chicago on Friday, celebrity guest Warren G partook in the 7th inning tradition of getting the crowd to sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.” But as soon as Warren G started, it became damn clear that he was about to slaughter the hell out of that stupid song, and the crowd began to hit his face with a wave of beer-soaked boos.

Warren G didn’t really know the words and he delivered up some “drunk dad making all of the little kids cry with his singing at a BBQ/baseball-watching party” shit. But the true star of Warren G’s train wreck sing-a-long is the lady in the hot headband.

I’ve thrown the video after a cut, because it’s doing the devil’s work by auto-playing!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Sybil!

Every time I see the name “Sybil,” I immediately think of the TV movie that scarred me as a child, where Sally Field has 16 personalities and gets brutally abused by her mom (let’s not even get into that enema and broom scene). But Sybil is also the name of a singer from New Jersey who put out a few albums in the 80s and 90s, and got her biggest hits thanks to Dionne Warwick. Sybil did a cover of “Walk On By,” which I didn’t know about until this morning. The cover of hers I know best is “Don’t Make Me Over.” It came out in 1989 and it played on the radio all the damn time. Burt Bacharach, who co-wrote the song, probably added a big addition to his house using all the money he made from Sybil’s cover.

The video is also pure late-80s and early-90s. It’s got shadow dancing, the Running Man, Hammer pants, vests and chunky dangling earrings from Charlotte Russe. In the late-80s, if you weren’t dancing in dim lighting in front of a white backdrop or behind a white scrim thing, you weren’t dancing at all.

While going through the comments under Sybil’s masterpiece on YouTube, I read a truly touching one. This song was the soundtrack for some special childhood moments:

remember my moms whooped my ass in JC Penny’s in 1989 while this was playing lol

Wikipedia says that Sybil (born name: Sybil Lynch) still performs, but she mostly works as a teacher. If Professor Sybil teaches a course on how to master the art of shadow dancing, sign me up!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Ezekiel Elliott, football player and more importantly, a modern day dandy who is trying to bring the midriff-on-dudes look back!

Something called the “NFL Draft” went down yesterday, and Ezekiel Elliott, a 20-year-old running back from Ohio State, was the first and only draft of my heart when he showed up dressed like Agador the houseboy from The Birdcage going to a formal Easter Day tea dance. That pucker-inducing ensemble is something Kelly Kapowski would design if she designed a line of church clothes for Brooks Brothers affordable line called Brooks Step-Brothers. If someone took a Southern toddler’s christening reception suit and blew up every piece except for the shirt into an adult size, it would look like the sharp-as-fuck outfit that Ezekiel wore to NFL Draft Day.

With that being said, Ezekiel’s look is not perfect. Dude spent approximately 13 hours (I’m underestimating) meticulously perfecting his flatline hairline with help from a ruler and a steady hand, and yet he just sloppily turned his shirt into a crop top by tucking it under. But the thought is there! And that isn’t the first time that the proud graduate of Billy Joel’s School of Driving has worked the crop top look:

hsotde2016.4

Ezekiel was drafted fourth and now he’s a member of the Dallas Cowboys. And thanks to that development, I’m sure the Cowboys cheerleaders are going to get new uniforms next season and I’m sure those uniforms will completely cover up their midriffs. Because they know that their new running back is going to work the midriff look better than they ever could. Show’ em, Ezekiel!

Pics: Getty, AP

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 28, 2016 / Posted by:

The pothole in Jackson, Mississippi that one dude threw a surprise birthday party for!

If your friends and family forget your birthday a lot and hardly ever send your ass a card, this goes out to you. There’s a pothole in Jackson whose birthday was not only remembered, but the lucky trick got a party that looked more exciting than some of the birthday parties I’ve been to.

Eddie Prosser, a citizen of Jackson, is the dude who put together the birthday celebration for the pothole. The local news covered it, because THIS IS NEWS. Just like your cousin who threw you a birthday party because she wanted a reason to show off her new haircut to everyone, Eddie had ulterior motives when he threw a born day celebration for that pothole. Eddie made a big deal about the pothole’s 1st anniversary of being a pothole, because he wanted it dead!

Eddie tells KXAN that it was technically the pothole’s 16-month birthday, and he threw the little party for it, because he was frustrated over it messing up his street and he wanted everyone to know. Eddie says that he’s called 311 over a dozen times to report the pothole and the city did dick about it. When Eddie made a birthday card out of a caution sign and tied a balloon to it, he did it as a joke at first. But his joke became a local news story, because again, THIS IS NEWS. Eddie said this about the toddler pothole:

“I do. I do find our problems in the city of Jackson serious but at the same time just one small pothole. When they fix the potholes just a block away it wouldn’t of taken another 10 minutes.”

Because the local news covered the pothole’s birthday party, the city finally filled it and now it’s dead. And I thought my 19th birthday party ended badly when I spent the latter part of my night barfing in the bathroom. That pothole has me beat. So yeah, this is a posthumous HSOTD, but it’s still an important one. RIP (rest in pavement), Jackson Pothole.

Pic: @KXAN_News

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

April 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Planters Cheez Balls!

Two things about Planters Cheeze Balls: 1. I can’t believe they don’t exist anymore. 2. I can’t believe they’ve never been hit with the Hot Slut of the Day stamp.

Cheez Balls haven’t been around for 10 years, but I always forget that, and in my head you can easily find them on a shelf in every single grocery store in the world! But then I remember that I’m confusing them with a bunch of shameless imposters (I’m looking at you, Utz Girl). Nowadays, all the cheese balls I see brag about how they’re made with “real cheese,” like we should be all wowed by that. But back in the olden days, Planters practically bragged that their Cheez Balls were made with NO real cheese! Those were the days.

Planters had to spell cheese with a “z,” because you’d find more real cheese inside of a dead ant’s ass. The insides of those of us who ate Cheez Balls as kids are probably covered with an orange-colored chemical powder that will never ever disintegrate. If a Medical Examiner has to do an autopsy on our body after we die, they’ll open it up and immediately write, “slow death by Cheez Balls,” on our death certificate.

Oh, Cheez Balls, you were gone before your time…. And I bet the likes of Mama June and Brit Brit Spears miss Cheez Balls in a bad way too, because now they have to use another brand of cheese balls to make their anal beads and it’s just not the same.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Angel Jones from Fish Police!

“Fish Police” sounds like a segment on RuPaul’s Drag Race, but for a short moment in 1992 it was a cartoon on CBS. Fish Police was kind of like an underwater Dick Tracy with a touch of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? It was based on a comic about a fish detective named Inspector Gil who investigates crimes and battles the mafia in an underwater metropolis. CBS aired Fish Police during the nighttimes, so they were hoping it would be their The Simpsons. It wasn’t. It was canceled after only 6 episodes and buried in an underwater grave. Those six episodes live on YouTube, though.

Angel Jones was the Jessica Rabbit/Breathless Mahoney of Fish Police. When she wasn’t crooning out velvety smooth musical notes as the headliner of the Calamari Club, she was trying to seduce Inspector Gil. They pretty much wanted to suck each other’s fins off. JoBeth Williams and John Ritter did the voices for Angel and Inspector Gil, so Fish Police was pretty much the highlight of their careers!

Fish Police is long gone but Angel’s influence over beauty and glamour long lives on. Angel’s eyebrow situation looks like two tadpoles gracefully diving deep into a pool of elegance, her fish tits are spectacular and her all-natural lips are the lips that tricks try to get with help from a syringe full of melted plastic. Kylie Jenner and Blac Chyna so want to be Angel Jones, but sadly for them, they possess about as much glamour as a canned sardine. Angel Jones, they’ll never be!

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