Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

SprayCake, the microwavable spray cake batter that us lazy asses and the Mama June set have been dreaming of for centuries!

Humanity has reached peak evolvement, because we no longer have to sprain our hands while mixing powdered cake batter with tap water and we no longer have to bite our finger tips off while anxiously waiting for our ovens to shit out a fully baked caaaaaaake. Microwavable spray cake is FINALLY here. Two students at Harvard named Brooke Nowakowski and John McCallum came up with the idea for a class project and brought it to life. They are now the most important Americans who ever existed and I’m not even mad that they didn’t give credit to the real genius who gave them the idea: WEEEEEEEED.

Brooke and John tell CBS Boston (important interview below) that they researched to see if a patent for microwavable spray cake has ever been filed and they couldn’t believe it when they discovered that no such patent exists. Sure, crap like Warm Delights and Batter Blaster (I know, that’s the title of my favorite bukkake porn too) exists, but nobody has EVER put cake batter in a whipped-cream can. All you have to do is spray that cake batter in a microwavable container, nuke that shit for 60 seconds and out will come a freshly baked cake that probably tastes like the yeast infection a piece of cardboard would produce after doing itself with a dildo made of sugar. Delicious!

Brooke and John are working on patenting their invention and have already found someone to sell it.

I hope that SprayCake comes in a bigger size other than extra small (that’s an extra small-sized can, right?), because when I’m lonely, stoned and sad on a Saturday night, I’m going to stick that can in my mouth and guzzle my way to happiness. And I’m going to be really damn mad if that little can empties before my pain and emotions have fully drowned in spray can cake batter. Jennifer Aniston probably pre-ordered a dozen boxes of SprayCake, just in case….

via HuffPo

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July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Chachi, the one-eyed chihuahua and Joanie the pit bull, his best friend and protector!

Before I start throwing up eye roll-worthy stuff about fame whores and pieces of trash, here’s a giant cup of feelings for us to start our day with. HuffPo says that about a week ago, cops found Joanie and Chachi wandering around a neighborhood in Savannah, GA together. Animal Control Officers showed up to check the two out and when they arrived, they found Joanie carrying her injured friend in her mouth. Joanie would put Chachi down from time to time to lick his busted eye (an evil cat did it, obviously) and cops say that he “appreciated the attention.” The two best friends were taken to the Savannah Chatham Metropolitan Animal Control Shelter and they had to be separated while vets treated Chachi’s bum eye. They weren’t able to save his eye, but they patched him up and now he gets to see his BFF 4 EVA for an hour or two during the day.

The police were hoping that Joanie and Chachi’s owner would’ve come to the shelter to claim them by now, but either that owner doesn’t know where they are or that owner has a dead heart made of Lucifer’s ass nuggets, because no one has come forward. Joanie and Chachi are now up for adoption and I would take their asses in a second if I lived anywhere near Savannah and if my dog wouldn’t hate me for making him their third wheel (aka the Richie to Joanie and Chachi’s Joanie and Chachi). The shelter is hoping to adopt them together, because they only have eyes for each other. Well, Joanie only has eyes for Chachi, but Chachi only has an eye for Joanie.

hsotdsjoaniandchachi1

Animal Control Officer Christina Sutherin says that Joanie and Chachi are special friends and they should never be parted:

“It’s not every day we get to see such devotion between two special dogs like this. They are both such sweet animals. But the relationship they share just sets them apart. “Staff is amazed at the dedication and love these two have for one another. Neither one seems to care about another dog they are exposed to, only each other. They truly appear to be soul mates.”

They really are soulmates…. Unless, they’re really criminal partners on the run and they aren’t getting closer to other dogs, because they don’t want to blow their cover. Either way, I’ve overdosed on awwwwws and now I’m filled with sunshine, rainbows and hope. I need to go and read a Justin Bieber story so I feel dead inside again.

Pics: The Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan Police Department Facebook page

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Agnes McKee, the 105-year-old bad bitch of  Oceanside, CA who threw the first pitch at some Padres game on Sunday!

Carly Rae Jepsen, 50 Cent and Mimi need to hire Agnes McKee to teach them how not to throw a first pitch like a half-blind, paraplegic T-Rex. Because Agnes McKee puts all of them to shame (although, that’s not really hard to do). The San Diego Padres asked Agnes McKee to throw out the first pitch at one of their games, because her war veteran husband, who died last year, played baseball in the olden days. After Agnes accepted the Padres’ invitation, she trained at her retirement home in Oceanside, because she didn’t want to look like a total dumb shit out there (see: 50, Carly, etc…). Agnes threw out an underhand pitch and confirmed my suspicions: if we were back in the 5th grade together and it was time to pick teams for softball, she’d get picked way before I did. But then again, a half-blind paraplegic T-Rex would get picked before me.

The Cy Young of memaws told KSWB-San Diego after throwing the first pitch that she’s not really into the Padres, because they don’t win shit.

“I haven’t been very into the Padres because they don’t ever win any games. I tried to learn the names of some of the ball players in case somebody asked me that.”

We all know where this is going. The Padres suck and Agnes McKee is a world-class pitcher. You don’t need to have the impeccable SLYCIC skills of The Long Island Medium to know that at the 2015 World Series, the announcer will announce, “And pitching first for the Padres is Agnes McKee!”

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July 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Jocasta Odom (no relation to Lamar, I think…), the baptist minister and Bow Tie Queen of Lovejoy, GA from Big Brother 16!

When Big Brother’s Sweet Sixteen season started, I didn’t think that much of Jocasta. I wanted to get into her since she takes styling tips from Bill Nye, and in her intro piece she said that before she devoted herself to God and Jesus, she did everything and did everyone. A former slut who’s addicted to bow ties?! YES! But then the game started and as everyone began making moves, Jocasta just sat there in her bow tie, doing nothing. She should’ve used her powers of the bow tie to become the ring master of the game, but instead she became the sad clown and sometimes I’d forget she was even there. The wallpaper became a more memorable character than Jocasta.

But on last night’s episode, Jocasta’s breakout moment came when the holy spirit grabbed onto her soul and she started talking in tongues during a competition. Jocasta and her partner Amber were battling it out with Victoria and Brittany in the Battle of the Block competition. If Amber and Jocasta won, they’d come off the block and wouldn’t be up for eviction anymore. The competition was sort of like a big game of chess and Jocasta was the first one knocked out, so it was up to Amber to win that shit for them. Jocasta said that she was leaving it up to God and while on the sidelines, she paced back and forth as her jaw chattered. I thought she was having an anxiety attack! She acted like my chihuahua when I’m driving him to the vet and he realizes that he’s about to get a thermometer shoved up his ass. (I know, he freaks out and gets the scareds over getting something shoved up his ass. How is he my dog?!)

I thought Jocasta’s jaw was going to chatter off of her skull the same way a trick’s jaw nearly falls off of her skull when she tries to blow the Hammaconda. . It took me a second to realize that Jocasta wasn’t having some kind of seizure, she was taking us to her Baptist Church by speaking in tongues. Jocasta must do that a lot, because nobody threw a “Should I scream for a medic?” side-eye at her. Jocasta’s tongue speaking obviously worked, because Amber beat Victoria and Brittany!

She sounds like me when I try to rap along to Supersonic. Believe this, Jocasta’s alliance with GOD will win her the game (no, it won’t)!

But seriously, Jocasta’s holy freakout was probably the result of God shaking her while screaming, “Stop bothering me with this stupid Big Brother shit!”

Vid via Rickey

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July 20, 2014 / Posted by:

This fluffy ball of pure pussy evil who took a piss on a mole’s head. (“Hmmm, I have read that the natural way to treat a cancerous mole is to gently drizzle cat piss on it.” – Shailene Woodley)

In life, sometimes you’re minding your own business and doing you when a motherfucker has to screw with your day by getting in your space and pissing on your head. That’s what happened to Mr. Mole here. This mole was just doing whatever the hell moles do when a bitchy ass cat ruined its day by: a) trying to hunt its ass and: b) dropping a nasty, toxic pussy piss stream into its house. That cat is a total asshole, but it gives no fucks and it’s living out one of life’s greatest proverbs: If you can’t beat ‘em, piss on the bitch. But you know, maybe this isn’t what it looks like. Maybe this is what the mole wanted. Maybe that mole put up a Craigslist casual encounters ad that looked like this:

Looking for NSA rough play and golden showers fun – m4c (my hole in the field) Hot mole looking for anonymous golden shower play with a cat. You show up to my hole and Whack-A-Mole me a bit before pissing and leaving. No talking! No recip! NSA ONLY! Be bladder infection free. NO FLAKES! Serious replies ONLY!

So maybe that puss isn’t pissing out an act of bitchery. Maybe it’s pissing out an act of romantic love.

via Tastefully Offensive

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July 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Nuttin’ Nyce!

I was reminded of the swap meet version Salt-n-Pepa after a search for pictures of Blaque’s exquisite bubble wrap couture brought me to a list of forgotten R&B gems of the 90s. Nuttin’ Nyce (which sounds like the name of a raunchy all-squirrel group from Alvin and the Chipmunks) were formed in 1992 in Sacramento, CA and consisted of LaTeece Wallace, Onnie Ponder, and Eboni Foster. They’re probably best known for their song “Down 4 Whateva”, which was featured in the soundtrack to A Low Down Dirty Shame, but I’ll always remember them for being filthy as fuck. Nuttin’ Nyce was like the female 2 Live Crew; all their songs were about poppin’ that pussy and getting their hump on. It’s like 3 strippers with ok voices were offered a recording contract. They were shameless. I loved it. Sadly, they only released one album in 1993 (Down 4 Whateva) and split up three years later.

Everybody remembers “Down 4 Whatevea”, but I remember being truly scandalized when I heard “Froggy Style”. I think I might have been in 8th grade or something, and I thought it was the nastiest, slimiest, grimiest hump jam I’d ever heard in my life. I had no idea what ‘froggy style’ was, but I assumed it was something like doggy style plus a couple wine coolers. Now that I’m older, I realize it’s actually pretty gross. Imagine if you were about to have sex and someone said “I’m gonna fuck you like a pond-dwelling amphibian”? I doubt you’d respond with: “Oh yeah, do me like Kermit.”

And I know those bananas are supposed to represent dicks, but that scene in the kitchen just looks like they’re filming an infomercial for the Ninja Blender.

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July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Nestle’s Milkybar, the candy bar that has one British dude seeing DICK!

31-year-old lawyer Robin Jacobs of London is my kind and our eyeballs were obviously cut from the same dick-seeing cloth. Because when most people look at Nestle’s Milkybar, they see a cartoon horse with floppy ears. But when Robin and I look at Nestle’s Milkybar, we see a short white dick with floppy nuts spewing out a stream of skinny man chowder. When we’re both given the Rorschach test and shown a picture that’s obviously two butterflies doing step 2 of the Macarena, we both say it’s 4 cone-shaped peens high-fiving each other. But the difference is, that while I embrace getting slapped in the eyes with all things phallic, Robin Jacobs is shocked and appalled when he’s about to fill his mouth with some milky white goodness and sees a penis head staring at him. Robin Jacobs immediately called The Daily Mail, because THIS IS NEWS and that’s what you do:

“It was a little bit surprising, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it before that’s for sure. What on earth is a penis doing on a children’s chocolate bar? There’s no point denying what it looks like. It is obvious – we can all see it. I eat an awful lot of chocolate but I don’t often have Milkybars – in all honesty I only bought it because it was on offer. I was eating it during the football match and I wasn’t really paying much attention. Then I looked down and I was surprised to see a massive penis staring up at me.

It’s a completely inappropriate picture. The penis in question is even bigger than the child – surely the people making the bar can see what it looks like.”

First of all, “MASSIVE”? How many dicks has Robin seen and is he admitting that on a scale from Jon Gosselin to Jon Hamm, he doesn’t even make the scale? Second of all, he says “I was surprised to see a massive penis staring up at me” like it’s a bad thing. Every time I close my eyes, I pray to see a massive penis staring at me after I open them.

Nestle said that they’re surprised that Robin saw dick, because the image is actually the Milkybar Kid and his horse. A kid and a peen? Is that sucio ass Nestle trying to pull in the Jerry Sandusky demographic?

But seriously, Nestle can try to deny it, but Robin and I see what we see and what we see is obviously a wart-covered thumb dick. And now we know what kind of “milk” Nestle is using in their candy bars.

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July 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The Airbnb logo that made vagina lovers say, “I’d hit it,” and made power tops say, “I’d hit it too,” and made John Travolta say, “I’d let it teabag me.”

Airbnb queefed out their new logo yesterday and its CEO Brian Chesky said that the logo is supposed to be the three-way baby of the Olympic rings, Batman’s logo and the Red Cross. But anybody with eyes saw a twat, the prolapsed anus of a power bottom after a 4-hour-long pass around orgy (“I knew that logo looked familiar to me...” – my Free Clinic physician) and/or Cisco Adler’s slinky nutsack after he dipped it in ice. It also kind of looks like Picasso’s version of two dicks touching or a factory-defected butt plug. Basically, it looks like everything but a mash-up of the Olympic rings, Batman’s logo and the Red Cross.

SFist points us to a Tumblr that has taken the Airbnb logo and drawn poop drops coming out of it and anal beads going in to it. And Buzzfeed did a listicle of 18 Things That Look Like The New Airbnb Logo (SPOILER ALERT: All 18 things look like a puss.)

It doesn’t really look like a punane to me, but the only vaginas I’ve seen up-close are in porn and I’m usually only focusing on the hard peen going in and out of it, so what do I know? I sort of see a misshapen nutsack and ass cheeks spread wide (the perfect logo for Airpnp), but I mostly see the iconic back tits of People of Walmart:

legendarybacktits

Airbnb’s logo is the greatest logo I’ve seen in a while, because a company’s logo should give you the urge to motorboat it while crying.

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July 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Bonne Bell Bottled Emotion perfumes from the 80s’ afterbirth known as the 90s!

Bottled Emotion perfumes were pooted out sometime in the 90s and they were these little bottles of scents that came in different “emotions” like “crazy,” “mellow,” “flirty,” “shy,” “playful” and “frantic.” Bottled Emotion perfumes were like the tarnished, busted plastic Barbie earring to The Gap Scents’ rare diamond. In other words, they were cheaper. In the 90s, a friend of a friend told me that she used Bottle Emotion perfumes as her “daytime scents” and The Gap Scents were her “nighttime scents.” If only the phrase THIS BITCH existed in the 90s. Girls were supposed to try to match the Bottled Emotion scent to their actual mood. That fine fragrance connoisseur who told me that Bottled Emotion was her daytime scent took that all the way. One time I watched and smelled her spray herself with at least three different kind of “emotions” in the span of 30 minutes. Bitch was flirty, then she was shy, then she was mellow. Oh, Bonne Bell Bottled Emotion: The easy way to tell those around you, “I am bi-polar AND schizophrenic.”

Pic: ThatLeanne

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July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

The vagina kayak that got Japanese artist Rokudenashiko arrested!

Rokudenashiko is the Gerard Butler of Japanese artists, because she has been obsessed with twat for years. Rokudenashiko told HuffPo last year that her mission to make “pussy more casual and pop” started after she got vagina rejuvenation surgery because she didn’t think hers looked right. She felt disconnected to her vagina after the surgery and realized that coochie is taboo in Japan and the rest of the world, so she vowed to change that through ART! She wants to bring the vagina out of hiding. She put a pussy on everyday objects and turned her apartment into Queen Latifah’s wonderland dreamland. She made a coochie lamp with a lit-up clit, a vulva iPhone case, several snatch dioramas and a poon lip picture frame. Rokudenashiko’s main goal is to fill the world with more pussy. Somewhere deep in the Scientology bath house, John Travolta’s Thetans are holding onto his body for dear life as he shakes with fear after reading the words “fill the world with more pussy.”

For her latest pussy art project, Rokudenashiko created a giant vagina kayak she calls the “Pussy Boat” (“Call my copyright lawyer!” – Leonardo DiCatchAHo). Pussies on water isn’t exactly a new thing and anybody who has been to Lake Tahoe and has seen giant pussies in Affliction board shorts on jet skis knows that to be true. But what makes Rokudenashiko’s pussy boat special is that it is a humongous replica of her own twat (and strangely enough, it’s an actual-size replica of Backdoor Farrah’s twat). She used a 3D printer to make her Pussy Boat. Her dream of riding through the rivers of the world on her own twat was close to coming true. But Buzzfeed says that the Japanese police pussy-blocked her dream when they arrested her for breaking Japanese obscenity laws.

Rokudenashiko used crowdsourcing to fund her Pussy Boat and anybody who donated money got 3D scanned data of her crotch flower. There’s a law in Japan that states that selling, displaying or distributing “obscene objects” is illegal. They used that law to arrest Rokudenashiko. This is coming from the land that brings us the beautiful and magical Penis Festival. So according to Japanese police, Rokudenashiko’s cooch is “obscene” yet Avril Lavigne’s music isn’t and she’s free to roam their country after doing shit like this? Everything is wrong with that picture.

So since Rokudenashiko is in jail, her Pussy Boat has been docked.

vaginakayak2

FREE Rokudenashiko! The Pussy Boat needs its captain back and no, Justin Bieber, you can’t volunteer for the job. The Pussy Boat would shrivel up and close if you got near it.

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