Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The dude named Cock who is cleaning up the dick on the road in the Netherlands! 

This beautiful story about Cock and dick cums from RTV Utrecht and I had to check to make sure that “RTV Utrecht” isn’t Dutch for “The Onion,” because this shit is perfect. Tour De France started in the Netherlands this year and in the town of Oudewater, someone decided that the cyclists really needed some great, big giant peen to cheer them on and get their asses in gear. I guess my favorite artiste, Wanksy, decided to spread his gorgeous dick art to other countries.

For some strange reason, the town of Oudewater and the Tour De France officials didn’t appreciate the jizzing dicks in the street and wanted it cleaned up. The regular Peencasso apparently used water-resistant paint so they couldn’t just easily scrub the dicks away. But one resident of Oudewater named Cock Verkerk still tried to erase the peen from the streets and he got down and tried to rub them out. There’s only room for one Cock on the streets of Oudewater!

Here’s a piece from RTV Utrecht’s story which was translated from Dutch by your always-drunk cousin who spent a stoned summer in Amsterdam once (aka Google Translate):

Traditionally drawing cyclists encouraging slogans on the asphalt, but many penises are an eyesore. Similarly Cock Verkerk, native of Oudewater. He tried the penis in his street in vain to scrub away. “But I’m not hearing himself signed!”

The municipality promised that the fire department would come along to remove the penis. But they are difficult to remove because it is water resistant paint. The removal is not successful.

Before they clean it up, I need to use my miles to get my ass (and other parts) to Oudewater, because heaven is a place where peens decorate the roads and a dude named Cock lives.

Pic: @marlieswessels (For Ricardo)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

The lady bald eagle whose cheers and fist pumps won the Woman’s World Cup for the US yesterday!

I’m sure that before the Woman’s World Cup final game between the US and Japan started yesterday, the American team went in dejected and defeated and knew they were probably going to lose. (I have no idea what I’m talking about, as usual, but just go with it.) But then they spotted a fan in a Party City bald eagle mask and an American flag pashmina fisting the air in the stands and they knew that they had to win the game for her and for America! Watching that lady bald eagle inject fifty fistfuls of American patriotism into that stadium gave Carli Lloyd the inspiration to make all those goals. Obviously. (Side note: Which team did Keira Knightley and Dr. Neela from ER play on?)

John Mellencamp must be a future-seer, because when he wrote the lyrics, “ain’t that America, something to see, baby,” he was definitely talking about the lady bald eagle cheering US to victory at the World Cup. THIS is America:

And Shia LaBeouf, the biggest ‘Murican who ever ‘Murica’d, definitely has the most patriotic boner right now.

(For Sara and Dana)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Carlene LeFevre, the Grand Dame of Competitive Eating!

The Coney  Island boardwalk is covered in more vomit and diarrhea than usual today and that’s because Nathan’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest (aka the “Dear Starving People Of The World, In America We Gorge Ourselves On Food For Sport” event) happened as it does every year on the Fourth of July. A huge upset went down. Joey Chestnut’s 8 year run as the reigning hot dog gobbler of the world came to an end when tiny, little human garbage disposal Matt Stonie ate more wieners and buns than John Travolta at David Miscavige’s birthday orgy in the Scientology bathhouse.

Joey Chestnut swallowed down 60 dogs in 10 minutes and Matt Stone outdid him with 62 dogs. I watched this wreck yesterday and Joey Chestnut looked like he was in pain. He had that “first time doing butt sex without lube” look about him. It looked like he was clenching his ass cheeks together because he was afraid his bowels were finally going to make a break for it out of his b-hole. Or maybe he was just sad that he got his ass beat. On the women’s side, the competitive eater of my heart Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas failed once again to take down returning ladies champion Miki Sudo. Sonya devoured 31 dogs to Miki’s 38. Also on the women’s side, 60-something-year-old beauty Carlene LeFevre placed 10th with 11 dogs. It was her fifth time competing.

Carlene LeFevre started stretching the limits of her stomach skin during major league eating competitions sometime in the 80s. Since then, she’s swallowed down everything from steaks to hamburgers to SPAM to ribs to cheese fries. She took a long break from the diarrhea-inducing game in 2005, but came back hard in 2014 when she won the ladies trophy in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Qualifier in Las Vegas (pictured above with the men’s winner Pablo Martinez). Carlene is currently ranked #25 in the world. Carlene’s husband Richard LaFevre is also a competitive eater and he’s ranked #16 in the world.

After reading Carlene’s way-too-short Wikipedia bio, I learned a few hot facts:

1. Her competitive eating nickname is “The Madam of Etiquette,” because she tries to keep it polite, ladylike and clean while shoving an entire Sizzler buffet into her eating hole.

2. She worked as an aerobics instructor, grade school teacher and a Mary Kay saleswoman. You probably already guessed the last one, because her delicately painted face gives that away.

3. She watches 8 hours of TV a day, but don’t call her the hermit queen of the couch, because she sometimes presses the pause button on the remote so she can exercise a little.

And here’s a clip from the MTV show Girl Code of Maxine’s nicer and hungrier younger sister showing some amateurs how to go wild on a wiener:

Carlene LeFevre: A lady in the streets and a freak at the competitive eating table.

And here’s a few pictures from yesterday’s Nathan Wiener Gobble Contest of competitors eating what Mama June eats as an amuse-bouche.

Pics: Vegas24Seven, Wenn.com

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Americana, the true symbol of America whose image should be made into a gigantic statue of cooper that sits on Liberty Island in NYC. (Sorry, Statue of Libery.)

In honor of the day that some of us fill our greedy mouth hole with gallon after gallon of imported beer until our liver declares independence from our body, today’s HSOTD is Americana, a wrestler from the hands-down greatest sports organization of all-time: GLOW (Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling)! Whenever I see shit about how China overtook the US as the world’s largest economy, I shake my head at this country and its decisions. That would’ve never happened if GLOW still existed today, because it would be bringing in at least ten trillion dollars. At least!

When GLOW started in 1986, Americana (played by Cindy Maranne) was an original member and she lasted 2 seasons. (GLOW itself only lasted 5 seasons.) She was the GLOW singles champion at one point. She quit GLOW and hung up her red, white and blue leotard, because she wanted to move back to L.A. to do the “real” acting thing. Cindy was in an 80s horror movie called Slash Dance so her dreams of making it in Hollywood obviously came true. She also married one of GLOW’s writers and together they had a kid I’m hoping they named Americana Jr. Americana is also in the documentary about GLOW and if you haven’t seen it already, you really should. Or just sign up for an American History class at any Ivy League university since I’m sure they cover the GLOW documentary in depth.

And now I leave you with this extra hot patriotic clip of Americana taking on Royal Hawaiian. This is about as American as blowing your nalgas skin off after lighting a firecracker in your ass during a Fourth of July BBQ.

“That’s even more American than me!” – Shia LaDouche while fucking a can of Coors on top of the head at the Crazy Horse Memorial.

Happy 4th, everyone!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Disclosing tablets, the snitch ass bitches who will call your nasty teeth out and expose your lazy brushing ways!

Disclosing tablets may look like Dot Candy and also may look like they taste as delicious as chewable Tylenol tablets (Side note: I lived for the taste of chewable Tylenol tablets when I was kid and it’s surprising I didn’t overdose on that shit.), but they are the exact opposite of candy and taste gross. I don’t even know if kids nowadays have to chew on that nasty crap when going to the dentist. They probably all have daVinci veneers installed at birth.

The first or second time I went to the dentist, he made me brush in front of him and afterward, I had to chew on a disclosing tablet. Not only did chewing on a disclosing tablet give me gorgeous tie-die teef (click here if you really need to see what that looks like), but it also showed the plaque I missed while brushing. It turned the plaque either blue or bright red. You also had to be careful with that mess, because if it got on your clothes, it would leave stain and look like Poochie got her period on you.

I’m glad that as a total grown up (HAHAHA) I don’t have to chew on that nastiness when going to the dentist (and neither does Pete Doherty, because I’m sure a disclosing tablet would explode in his hand even before he put it in his mouth). Since I’m an adult now, my dentist just lectures me before taking it out on me with his drill. So much better than those blabbermouth tablets.

Pic: Google

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Bath and Body Works Art Stuff Foam!

In the 90s, Bath and Body Works went full HIGH ART when they released their line of Art Stuff products. Art Stuff was so artistic that you’d think that the world’s most original and thought-provoking artists, James Franco and Shia LaDouche, created it together. In the Art Stuff line was a body splash filled with Orbitz-like jizz balls, sassy lotion, shower gel, lip gloss and a glitter spray that was perfect for strippers who wanted to smell like extra sweet jelly donut filling made of chemically grown blueberries.

But what I remember most from the Art Stuff line is the foam! The Art Stuff foam was basically just a foam party in a can. It was a foamy body wash and it came in several nostril-tingling scents. (Although, I’m not sure if it came in Bath and Body Works’ signature gross scent of the 90s: the sweetened discharge that a watermelon squirts out after fucking a diseased fake cucumber.) If a Strawberry Shortcake character got rabies, their mouth foam would look and smell just like Bath and Body Works Art Stuff Foam. It was the best.

Pic: Pinterest

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

The gigantic glitter-spewing peen in Norway’s chlamydia PSA! 

According to The Telegraph, the STD rates in Norway are high and 23,000 people get chlamydia every year, because apparently when you Norwegians aren’t pickling fish, you’re getting your bareback fun on. (Side note: Pickling the fish sounds like a charming way of saying that you’re passing an STD to a poon.) The sex education charity RFSU wants to warn Norwegian teens and 20-somethings of chlamydia so they hired 19-year-old Philip van Eck to put on a dick costume and spray glitter on unsuspecting people. Those people now know how Liberace’s tricks felt when he gave them a facial.

RFSU says that they didn’t want to bore the youngins with a PSA filled with facts and statistics and shit. They wanted to make a fun campaign and there’s really nothing that is more fun than a big dick cumming glitter. Philip says that he was more than happy to put on a dick suit for the campaign titled “Penis Can Surprise You.” (I wish penis would surprise me more.)

“I thought it was hilarious. If I can help others, just by being a dick, there is nothing better.”

Even though I’m all for big dicks shooting out glitter jizz, I’m not sure how this PSA makes chlamydia seem like a bad thing. I mean, if one of the symptoms of chlamydia was glitter jizz, I’d be trying to bone human chlamydia strain Charlie Sheen right now.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

The hot cop who made everyone say “Carol Channing Tatum O’Neal, WHO?” at NYC Pride on Sunday!

At Pride events in NYC over the weekend, several cops got caught serving the people some nipple boner-inducing, sweet glazed hot dance moves, but this Officer McPantyCreamer took the cake and freak danced on it. During the parade, the hot cop and his lucky dancer partner, who is a member of the New York LGBT softball league, brought the dirty and got down to Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til’ You Get Enough.” They obviously didn’t listen to the lyrics of the song, because they stopped before I got enough. I wanted them to go full Dirty Dancing by recreating the lift.

Prepare to pucker as you watch a few seconds of this hot cop bust out some moves that are a cross between “nervous dude stripper on his first day on the job” and “Donkey Kong on Ecstasy.” If they ever make a Magic Mike 3, this cop needs to be its star:

And this is totally my idea of “stop and frisk.

via Reddit

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Hot Slut Of The Day

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

The BBC subtitle writer who couldn’t give less of a fuck while live captioning Kanye West’s performance at Glastonbury!

If you were in charge of typing out the words that came out of Kanye Kardashian’s self-appointed holy mouth at Glastonbury, you’d either try to be accurate or you’d switch yourself into “no fucks given mode,” pop open a bottle and not even try. Any sane person would go with the latter and that’s what BBC’s subtitle writer did. During Glastonbury, Kanye got a gigantic spoonful of his own medicine and The Who double slapped him for saying he’s a rock “God,” but the greatest Kanye slap down came from BBC’s genius subtitle writer who tried to PG-ify his lyrics before giving up entirely.

The BBC subtitle writer typed “ligga” instead of “nigga” and “motherducker” instead of “motherfucker.” “Ligga” sounds like the name of an Ikea bookshelf that takes approximately 7 hours to put together (and it’ll still break when you put more than 3 things on it) and “motherducker” sounds like the name for hitting the “decline” button on your iPhone when your mom calls.

Even the BBC subtitle writer has their limits and they eventually made Kanye’s lyrics more sensible and poetic by just typing “something something.” You’ve never truly understood Kanye’s lyrics until the BBC subtitle writer interpreted them perfectly.

hsotdkanyeglastonbury2015

I don’t know who the hell Bev is, but I’m guessing Bev is the subtitle writer’s supervisor and hired them. Well, Bev, the subtitle writer and all the other motherduckers responsible need to be given a major raise, because they took Kanye’s Glastonbury performance to brand new levels of brilliant. And here’s more of my new Give No Fucks hero in action:

via Jezebel

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Flower Cat!

This little video starts off pretty a normal. A girl (although, judging by that voice, she may be a Teletubby), who probably just inhaled ten giant clouds of helium, serenades her pussy before planting a flower hat on the cat’s head. Tastefully Offensive thinks that the flower broke the pussy and made his brain issue an error 502. But I’m not sure if a flower virus is to blame for that cat shutting down all systems. Maybe just maybe his human’s “Michael Jackson during castration” voice had something to do with him going full script error shut down. I mean, that voice shut down my browser a couple of times.

And here’s pussy’s rebooting face one more time:

flowercatgif2

Whatever the reason may be, you now have a GIF to go with the way you feel on a Monday morning when your alarm goes off.

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