Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

PANCAKE JESUS!

Jesus shows himself all sorts of ways. Sometimes he shows himself on a non-organic banana bought at Stater Bros. and sometimes he shows himself through Brit Brit’s personal food of ye gods. Sometimes he shows himself when I’m skimming through the channel guide and I see that the Hallmark Channel is showing 8 hours of back-to-back Golden Girls episodes. Other times he shows himself when I search “Bait Bus trucker episode” and the whole episode shows up. The whole episode! And on Good Friday in Norco, CA, the owner and a server at the Cowgirl Cafe thinks Jesus, or some other bearded person, showed himself or herself on a half-burnt pancake. When Jesus was crucified, he didn’t bleed blood, he bled Mrs. Butterworth’s maple syrup.

Karen Hendrickson, the owner of the Cowgirl Cafe, tells KCAL9 that the night before Good Friday, she prayed to God to look over her restaurant and the next morning he threw her an “I got you, bitch” wink by showing up on a pancake during breakfast service. One of Karen’s servers, Edgar, also saw the face of Jesus and went on to say, “To me, it’s impressive because it was on Good Friday, and I don’t really see that very often.” Edgar saying that he doesn’t see that “very often” makes me think that he’s seen that before, which makes me think that Pancake Jesus isn’t that special. Hay-Soos is always showing himself on cooked Bisquick batter. But Karen still thinks Pancake Jesus is a delicious gift from God and is keeping him safe in the freezer.

“Some people can see Jesus. Some people are saying it looks like Abraham Lincoln or a hillbilly. Some people are even saying it looks like Charles Manson.

He’s still on the same plate he was when he was put up on the window. I plan on keeping Jesus on this plate and preserving him so I can share him with everybody.”

Karen should really rename her restaurant “The Jesus Or Charles Manson Cafe.

I kind of see Charles Manson. But I mostly see Princess Bride Mandy Patinkin staring at a butterfly that landed on his finger. I also kind of see Frank Zappa smelling a fart.

If Judas shows his face on an Eggo waffle that’s been left in the toaster too long, we’ll know that Pancake Jesus is real. But if Squeaky Fromme shows her face in orange juice foam, well then….

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The humongous, red siren-worthy, BREAKING NEWS camel toe that sucked in all the attention during a local news story about a home robbery.

While covering a story about six teens who broke into and robbed a house in Houston, TX, KPRC interviewed the hero neighbor who watched it all go down and called the police, and I kept waiting for the reporter Phillip Mena to stick his mic under her massive, hungry, hungry camel toe to ask its thoughts on this shit. I think I saw its lips move once. The hero neighbor didn’t want to be identified, so instead of showing her face, the cameraperson focused on her coochie eating her leggings. They should’ve blurred out her sideways Homer Simpson to protect its identity too.

Somebody shot this, a producer and the reporter looked at the footage, it was edited and they all went with it and decided that their story really needed a long, close-up of a giant camel toe (“Camel toe? It’s the WHOLE hoof.” – Chrisley) Those hos knew what they were doing. But that hero neighbor’s camel toe should be proud, because it has earned a spot in the Camel Toe Hall of Fame with CoCo’s legendary toe, Lil Kim’s “plastic red bag stuffed with palm-sized oysters” crotch and Mimi’s lamb toe. Behold.

hsotdlocalnewscameltoe

This has to be the most newsworthiest thing that’s been on the local news in a long ass time. Where’s their Peabody?

via Reddit (Thanks Laura)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Magic Drawing Slate! 

Oh, the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s were a simpler time when our iPads didn’t have to be charged, didn’t have apps and were made of cardboard. The Magic Slate was the original iPad and it was a step below an Etch-A-Sketch and it a step above drawing pictures in the dirt with your finger. You’d use that little red stylus thing to draw on the acetate curtain and when you were done and wanted to draw something else, you’d just lift that shit up and start again. I went through at least a dozen of these things, because they were kind of cheap, were sold at grocery stores and I’d fuck up ‘em fast. I always lost that little red pencil dick pen, so I had to use the back of a regular pen, which sometimes tore through that grey sheet. My sister and I would use the shit out of them during road trips. I remember sitting in the backseat with her and I’d write the word “FUCK” on my Magic Slate in big letters, show it to her and then lift up the curtain so I could write “YOU” on it. The Magic Slate gave me such beautiful brother/sister memories.

And more importantly, why didn’t I ever have a Labyrinth Magic Slate?

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Kanzi, the marshmallow-roasting, Pac-Man-beating genius bonobo ape who is smarter than most humans (I’m not naming names…. TERESA GIUDICE!!!).

Kanzi currently lives at the Great Ape Trust in Des Moines, Iowa where he’s the alpha male and his adoptive mother Matata is the chief leader. Kanzi was born at a field station at Emory University and a quick minute after he came out of his mom’s vagine, he was stolen and adopted by Matata. Matata raised Kanzi and she’d take him to her sessions where she was taught language through keyboard lexigrams. During those lessons, Kanzi wasn’t really into that shit, but then one day he started using the lexigrams without any assistance from Matata or humans.

Now at 33, Kanzi can communicate with humans through lexigrams, knows a little sign language (thanks to Koko), is a master tool maker, can beat the first level in Pac-Man and most importantly he knows that marshmallows are extra delicious when you roast them. On the BBC One series Monkey Planet, Kanzi snaps twigs for a fire, lights them with a match and then roasts a marshmallow. Kanzi’s trainer said that one day he pointed to the symbols for “marshmallows” and “fire.” When they gave him marshmallows and matches, he made graham cracker and chocolate-less s’mores.

The Rise of the Planet of the Apes IS happening. It begins…

We should all just surrender to the apes now. Because when they declare war on us humans and we’re all standing at the battles lines, Kanzi will walk to the front, make a fire, roast a marshmallow and wave it at us. Most of us will drop our weapons and immediately join his side, because roasted marshmallows are delicious.

via Tastefully Offensive

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Hershey’s extremely tasteful and holy gourmet delicacy: The Chocolate Crucifix! 

Thousands of years ago, Jesus died on the cross for our sins and according to Hershey, those sins taste like milk chocolate. Works for me! The fully stocked bong next to me and the bowl full of jelly beans, Reese’s peanut butters eggs, Cadbury Creme Egg whites (I’m watching my cholesterol) and Peeps that I plan to stick my head into and not come up until it’s empty or I fall into a diabetes coma tells me that it’s Easter times again! It isn’t officially a religious holiday until corporations are whoring the fuck out of it. Hershey’s contribution is this chocolate cross, which I’m sure has hints of Jesus’ blood and rusty nails mixed in with the milk chocolate taste.

But I’m a little mad and offended. Hershey puts out something special and classy (Side note: It would’ve been extra classy if they put a tiny chocolate Jesus on it) for the chocolate-loving Christian set, but where is their chocolate bong to commemorate my personal religious holiday: 4/20? But then again, I guess everything Hershey puts out celebrates 4/20.

Happy Weedster, everyone!

Pic: Walmart (but you already knew that)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Stoffel, the reincarnation of Houdini and the master escape artist who repeatedly shows Andy from The Shawshank Redemption how it’s truly done.

Honey badger don’t care, but this honey badger does care about one thing and one thing only: breaking the hell out of his enclosure like his enclosure is the Scientology desert compound and he’s one of Tommy Girl’s beard wives. In Honey Badgers: Masters of Mayhem, which re-runs on BBC Two and PBS, we meet Stoffel, the trickster of Moholoholo Wildlife Rehab Center in South Africa who can’t stop, won’t stop breaking out his pen (sometimes with the help of his hot honey badger wife). Wildlife conservationist Brian Jones, who runs the Moholoholo Wildlife Rehab Center, says that Stoffel has opened up gates, dug holes under walls and done whatever he can to escape. After Stoffel escaped yet again and got into a fight with the lions, Brian built an Alcatraz-like prison thinking the concrete walls would keep that trickster honey badger from escaping. Didn’t work. If you build it, Stoffel will jump over that bitch. Stoffel made jump-off walls out of rocks and mud balls and kept on busting out of there.

My first thought was, “If the ho wants out so bad, why don’t they just let him be free?” But that’s not what Stoffel wants. He wants them to keep challenging his smart ass. If they build the walls higher, he’ll find a way to make a catapult out of his own caca or an air balloon out of a plastic bag. If they put barbwire on top of the walls, he’ll sit on his wife’s shoulders, throw a trench coat over them both and walk out like a human. What I’m trying to say is, Stoffel will rule us all one day, so we might as well call him Chairman Stoffel from now on.

Not only is Stoffel a bad ass honey badger escape artist, but he has sweet, moves too.

stoffeldancing2

“I’m at Coachella, bitch!”  Actually, no, that’s not what he’s saying, He’s saying, “Can’t keep me in LOL.” Yup, it’s Stoffel’s world.

Pic: Mamagolo2

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Freddy Freaker!

I’ve never seen and hissed at this dark-sided, evil mutation of one of Lindsay Lohan’s coke boogers until Dlisted reader Amanda sent it to me a few days ago. If I did see it as a kid in the 80s, then I immediately shoved it down the trash compactor in my brain (“But isn’t your entire brain a trash compactor” – you “Have you been reading my medical files?” – me) and protected my soul by forgetting about it. Freddy Freaker was the demon star of a 1-900 number commercial in the 80s and no, I don’t know what happened when you called that number. But if you hear of a 30-something zombie-like human with dead eyes who has a panic attack every time they see a yellow bell pepper, then just assume that when they were a kid they called that 900 number and had their soul and spirit sucked out of their ear by Freddy Freaker.

Freddy Freaker looks like some kind of clumpy piss creature that was created when Ray-J pissed on Kim’s skin of Lucifer ass cheeks. Freddy Freaker looks like what you’d see if you put up a microscope to Gary Busy’s coagulated jizz. Behold, nightmares:

Happy Good Friday, everyone!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Purin, the super beagle from Japan who’s bigger than Snoopy and who skateboarded, lip-synched, skipped and swished her way into the hearts of many and is about to become TV’s biggest bitch.

If you’re a struggling actor who went to theater school, spent most of your life honing your craft and shit and the only audition you can get is to be a background extra on an episode of America’s greatest scripted tragic comedy Chrisley Knows Best, then I’m sorry to tell you that it would’ve all been easier if you were just born a beagle from Japan. Because this beagle from Japan can’t even squat out a shit without some TV network begging her to do a show for them.

The Daily Mail says that Purin’s human Makoto Kumagai has been inunfuckingdated with TV and commercial offers from all over the world. Those offers didn’t just magically land in Purin’s lap. She paid her dues on YouTube by starring in video after video of her skateboarding (I hope she gets the lead in a reboot of Gleaming The Cube), playing volleyball and doing handstands. Makoto’s says she’s got an agent now and is booking jobs left and right like her last name is Lawrence and she fell twice at the Oscars.

“She has become famous all over the world and regularly have people asking her to be in an advert, on their TV show or compete in a talent contest. She is very talented and sweet and thoroughly entertains people.”

Here in America, we give TV shows to talentless, useless bitches who have the personalities of wet paint on a piece of Styrofoam and in Japan they still give TV shows to bitches, but bitches with charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Japan: STILL showing us how it’s done.

Purin’s talent and skills aren’t only physical. Purin is also a true creative artist. Here she is lip-synching into a Hello Kitty mic. You will grasp at your heart place when she coyly turns her head around at the beginning and then lip-synchs into the mic at exactly the right time. A true show woman!

Bitch lip-synchs better than Brit Brit! Bad example, I know, because a mayfly lip-synchs better than Brit Brit. Purin lip-synchs better than Beyonce! Purin, sashay you stay.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Domino’s newest artery-clogging gimmick: Pizza with a Popcorn Chicken Crust! 

Domino’s hasn’t mastered the art of making pizza yet (and I type that as a bitch who regularly eats their salt lick-covered in cheese and meat shit, because I hate my internal organs), but they’re taking on chicken now and farting out some crap they’ve called “Speciality Chicken.” According to Eater, Domino’s idea of “Speciality Chicken” is a pizza with chicken standing in as the crust. So it’s basically just popcorn chicken with a whole lot of toppings thrown on top. It’s some kind of sloppy, thrown together “chicken casserole” my mom would make using leftovers. This Mama June after birth comes in four flavors: Crispy Bacon & Tomato, Classic Hot Buffalo, Spicy Jalapeno-Pineapple, and Sweet BBQ Bacon.

I fully expect Pizza Hut, the masters of heart attack-inducing fuckery, to answer to Domino’s Popcorn Chicken Pizza by releasing a fried chicken pizza covered in pizza dough and served with liquefied bacon sauce and an ace inhibitor butter chaser.

That crap looks like several kinds of species had abortions on top of a pile of tumors before Brit Brit covered it with her discharge, but I. Still. Would.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Oreo Big Stuf!

Back in the magical world of fuckery and foolery of the 80s existed a gigantic Oreo called Oreo Big Stuf. I don’t know why they dropped the “f,” but “stuf” looks like what you’d type when your hands are shaking with rage and you’re really pissed off in an IM conversation and you meant to type STFU. Shut the up fuck! Oreo created the Big Stuf, because they probably figured that people would feel less guilty and less gross with themselves if they swallowed a mega Oreo instead of devouring three sleeves of regular-sized Oreos in one sitting. Like most beautiful things in the 80s, Oreo Big Stuf didn’t last long, which is a damn shame. Imagine eating one today while stoned? You’ll spend a good hour wondering if your Oreo got big or you got small. It would also make Khloe Kardashian’s life, because an Oreo Big Stuf is a regular-sized Oreo to her.

And whenever I heard “Mr. Big Stuff” I think of this Peggy Sue Got Married mess of a commercial:

No, they weren’t all high on LSD and weed. They were just high on the 80s and Oreo Big Stufs.

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