Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

This golden retriever from Finland who knows the right way to run an obedience course! 

At the 0:50 mark in the video below, a golden retriever shows us and the other dogs how a dumb obedience course is really done. If you ask me, the dogs who ran the course the way the humans think it should be ran are doing it wrong and have lost. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would you run by those bowls of food and those toys? The day my chihuahua runs by a bowl full of food without stopping to gobble it all up is the day I know that something is terribly, terribly wrong with his ass and I need to rush him to the doggy ER immediately.

This golden retriever gets it. Screw the commands from humans and screw that competition. Get that food in your belly as fast as possible and play with all the toys. You can’t eat a stupid title, so get that food! All those other dogs lost and the golden retriever clearly won every gold medal in the Common Sense Olympics. Doggy life is too short to not nom nom and play play.

That dog my hero. Doggy doesn’t care what Referee Putin thinks. Doggy’s going to get fed.

via HuffPo

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Zandar from the 90s board game Ask Zandar!

Zandar was Dumbledore’s fourth cousin who lacked the majestic skills of his relatives, so he had to settle for a gig as a janky, bottom tier future teller in a 1993 children’s board game. Zandar had the SLYIC skills of Miss Cleo’s dried dingle. You didn’t even get to ask him original questions. Each player picked two cards and on each card was a question. You chose which question to ask Zandar and then guessed if he would say yes or no. If your guess matched Zandar’s answer, then you got a “gemstone.” The first player with 5 of those busted gemstones won the game and got a special reading from Zandar.

The special reading from Zandar was also a damn joke. You’d wave a disc with a question on it in front of him and he’d say some canned crap like, “You’re going to get a call about this!” I bet the phone did ring each time and I bet it was a call from Dionne Warwick’s network of physics. Those two schemers were working together.

Ask Zandar taught you one thing: Never trust a wizard with a voice like a parrot doing a Groucho Marx impersonation.

Dumbass Zandar. He was totally the Long Island Medium’s mentor.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Chinese pop group Wang Rong Rollin’s music video for “Chick Chick”!

Every now and again, China has to let the world know that Japan isn’t the only Asian country that can produce technicolor fuckery of the highest degree. If you’ve ever wondered what kind of hallucinations would appear around you if you dropped acid while playing See ‘N Say Farmer Says, your answer is this beautiful mess of a video. It is filled with more WTFs than Lifetime’s Aaliyah biopic and has given me more life than the #LifetimeBiopics hashtag on Twitter. It’s fuckery food for your brain and its ingredients include 2 cups of feathers from a swan on Ecstasy, 1 heaping tablespoon of cartoon hen tits, a drop of Trace Cyrus’ jizz, a sprinkling of Gangnam Style, a dash of Phoebe Price’s orgasm sounds and 4 teaspoons of George Orwell’s trippiest shroom trip.

Starting your Monday with a video that’s a cross between an Old MacDonald gay twink parody porn and a fever dream from an Andy Warhol knock-off artist is not a bad way to start your Monday.

Even the fox looked at that and said, “The fuck?” We shouldn’t be surprised that magical things come from a pop group called Wang Rong Rollin.

via Neatorama (For Monika, Kevin and Andrea)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Buddy, the ride or die bitch who jumped on the side of the ambulance when his human was in a sick way and rode that shit for 20 miles like a loyal badass.

The San Angelo Standard-Times (via SF Gate) says that last month 83-year-old rancher JR Nicholson was feeling dizzy so his ranch hand Brian Wright called for an ambulance. The ambulance showed up, loaded JR (yes, in my head JR looks like Larry Hagman) in and they started their one hour journey to a hospital in Fredericksburg. About 20 miles into their ride, a car flagged down the ambulance and got them to pull over. When they pulled over, they found JR’s loyal dog friend Buddy hanging out on the outside sidestep of the ambulance. Before the ambulance took off at JR’s ranch, the 35-pound Beagle mix hopped on that sidestep, because I guess he didn’t want to be without his human. Cut to me looking at my dog who would rather suck on a cat’s ass than risk his life by clinging to a goddamn sidestep on a moving ambulance. Fuck that shit. I’m on my own.

Tanner Brown, one of the emergency medical technicians who responded to the call, said they couldn’t believe it and had no choice but to put Buddy in the ambulance and bring him to the hospital with them. Tanner took a picture of Buddy hanging out in the ambulance like, “Thanks, but I was cool out there, bitches, because I got it like that.” JR Nicholson was released from the hospital the same day and told the Standard-Times that he was touched by Buddy’s loyalty (and JR only adopted him from a shelter 4 months ago):

“I was impressed. He didn’t have to go to the hospital with me, but he did. I had two dogs (before Buddy), but I had to put one of them down. He came along at just the right time. He’s now a member of the family.”

File this story under: Shit That A Cat Would Never Do. A cat would stay back at the ranch and have a piss-on-the-bed and scratch-the-couch party while their human was laid up in an ambulance.

This reminds me of dogs who pretty much move onto their human’s gravesite after they’re buried. Buddy must’ve been a chola in his past life, because he has seriously taken ride or die to the next level. Buddy is seriously the best.

With all that being said, when JR gets his bill, he’s probably going to find a passenger fee on it, because Buddy hitched a ride. “Thanks, Obama” – Buddy

(For Kate)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 15, 2014 / Posted by:

You Are A Shark, the Choose Your Own Adventure book with one of the greatest titles and covers.

Yesterday, a piece of some of our childhoods turned to page 45 in the Book of Life and fell down a cliff before getting eaten by a tiger when we learned that one of the men responsible for creating Choose Your Own Adventure is now up in heaven, choosing his own adventures with the angels. R.A. Montgomery the original publisher and one of the writers of the CYOA series died at his home in Vermont last Sunday at the age of 78. The CYOA site didn’t say what he died of.

In 1977, author Ed Packard brought the first CYOA book, Sugarcane Island, to R.A. Montgomery. R.A. was all about it and believed it could be a series. He published Sugarcane Island and the rest is Choose Your Own Adventure history! Over the course of 20 plus years, 230 CYOA books were published and 250 millions copies have been sold in 40 languages. It’s the 4th best selling series of children’s books in the world. In 2003, R.A. started a company called ChooseCo to bring the series back.

I read a huge chunk of CYOA books as a kid and teenager (and grown up, okay) and it was the first series to really get me into reading shit. The one book I never read and always wanted to read was You Are A Shark, which was written by Ed Packard. I never knew about this one when I was a kid, but saw the cover years later. Look at that shit. How can you not want to read it? It’s called “You Are A Shark” and the cover has a monk who is totally over it, an eagle who is coming after that monk, a sculpture of Jocelyn Wildenstein’s current face and a boy shark with poodle hair.

Of course I found a used copy of You Are A Shark on eBay and got that shit. I’ll tell you if I eat that monk-hating eagle and save the day. I will, because I’m the kind of CYOA cheater who finds the best ending and works my way backwards.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Sodalicious, the so delicious soda-shaped candy from the 90s!

A couple of days ago, the name “Sodalicious” was in the news and I wish it was because the delicious soda-shaped lunchtime candy from the 90s was making a triumphant return to our stomachs after taking a long hiatus. But no, Candy Crush, the game that has turned some of our loved ones into candy-crushing zombies who cannot breathe until they crush a computer candy, got a sequel called Candy Crush Soda Saga and some writers used the word “sodaliciousto describe it. I know, those writers should be jailed for messing with our emotions like that. Using the word “sodalicious” when not talking about “Sodalicious” is so NOT delicious.

Betty Crocker, the purveyor of healthy deliciousness who gushed fruit into our mouths, released Sodalicious in the 90s. Sodalicious were fizzy “fruit snacks” that were shaped like soda pops (duh) and came in flavors like cola, grape, lemon-lime and root beer. The root beer ones even had a little handle. Sodalicious looked like candy, tasted like candy and it was candy, but Betty Crocker called it a “fruit snack” because the artificial flavors they used to make it had 1/2000th of a teaspoon of fruit juice in it. Oh, how I long for the old days when candy was a healthy snack.

Sodalicious was discontinued sometime in the mid-2000s, but apparently you can still find a box here and there. Here’s the commercial:

All of our lives have been flat ever since Sodalicious was taken away from us. We really need Sodalicious to make our bodies pop again. Since Diplo really cares about Taylor Swift’ ass situation, he should start a Kickstarter to bring Sodalicious back, because Sodalicious can make all of our booties pop. It might even help the baby pickle peen problem that Lorde thinks he suffers from. Bring back Sodalicious! We all need it.

 

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Rafi, the labrador whose hearts fills with frozen rainbows when he makes sweet, sweet love to SNOW!

In this almost 3-minute-long video, the role of Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils will be played by Rafi the dog and the role of COKE will be played by SNOW. Because just like LiLo’s nostrils, Rafi loves that white shit. If you’re in Denver or one of the other lands where it looks like that blonde chick from Frozen just had a tantrum, then your b-hole lips are probably frozen to your chair and you’re probably wearing pasties made out of steel because your rock hard nips keep cutting through the 4 sweaters you’re wearing. You might be cursing the cold right now, but somewhere Rafi is marrying the cold with his face.

I’m surprised that the ice didn’t melt, grass didn’t grow, birds didn’t start chirping and butterflies didn’t start flying around after Rafi scooted thirty layers of pure joy and warm happiness across that snow. Rafi’s happiness could bring on spring, but then again that might not be a good thing since he won’t have a thick layer of snow to play in.

If ultra ice queen Nicole Kidman ever wants to spend a little time with a creature whose heart doesn’t immediately turn into a freezer burned clump of ice when she touches it, Rafi is her dog!

via Tastefully Offensive

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 12, 2014 / Posted by:

The Alterations & Repairs Lady who has been a “fixing shit” mascot for years and years and years! 

Dlisted reader Liska dropped the Alterations & Repairs Lady into my inbox yesterday and took the words right out of my finger tips when listing the reasons why she’s a HSOTD all day, every day.

I would like to nominate the ubiquitous Alterations and Repairs Woman! This is the hardest working bitch in the business because homegirl is everywhere! She has been altering and repairing for so long she hasn’t had time to even change her blouse or hair since the early 1980′s! We should pay homage to this hardworking woman whose familiar face we know and love and never gets the recognition she deserves!

It’s rare when I walk into a dry cleaning place and don’t see this frazzled, overworked tailor throwing me a look that says, “It’s you again. I hope you don’t want me to sew another easy access zipper into the ass part of another pair of pants.” We see her all the time yet know almost nothing about her. She is as mysterious as she is hard working. That picture pulls out so many questions from my brain. For why is she wearing black lipstick? Is she a goth and is trying to finish her work so she can change into her latex catsuit and go to the club? Is that why she’s always throwing a “Bitch, stop bothering me so I can get back to work” look? Why do her hands look so enormous? Are they swollen from doing alterations and repairs all day? Does she use a Sharpie or a regular black brow pencil to achieve that immaculate eyebrow situation? Why isn’t she on Project Runway? Shit, why isn’t she the mentor on Project Runway? Does she hate Tim Gunn?

So many questions!

Hopefully Aaron Sorkin does SOMETHING RIGHT for once and answers all these questions in the greatest project of his career: The Alterations & Repairs Lady biopic starring Kathleen Turner.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Betty Crocker Fruit Gushers!

I can’t believe that I’ve done almost 10 years of HSOTDs and I still haven’t fully paid tribute to the delicious and healthy (it’s part of the fruit group, thankyouverymuch) snack that busts a fruity load in your mouth. Fruit Gushers gushed onto the scene in 1990 and quickly became the crack rocks of the cafeteria. They’re still around today, because everybody loves Fruit Gushers! If fruits could grow pimples and those fruit pimples were filled with delicious fruit-flavored pus, they would look and taste just like Fruit Gushers! So no wonder they’re still around. Wanting to suck fruit pus out of a fruit pimple is a timeless craving.

Like I’ve said before, my mom was always into being healthy (gross, I know), so she barely ever bought us processed drops of diabetes-inducing deliciousness. But when I got older, I bought a box of Fruit Gushers with my own cash and finished it off in about 10 minutes. The thing I remember about Fruit Gushers is that they practically never expire. The expiration date was 50 years in the future or something insane like that. I haven’t had a Fruit Gusher in about 10 years, but I take comfort in knowing that the Fruit Gusher acid I swallowed 10 years ago has clinged to my organs and is slowly mutating into a gigantic fruit tumor. Fruit Gushers will literally stay with me forever and hopefully one of my eyeballs will eventually become a Fruit Gusher. You know what what will also stay with me forever? The day terror that is the Fruit Gushers commercial:

I squinted while watching that commercial, because I kept looking for a warning that reads: Because of all the preservatives and shit in Fruit Gushers, this could actually happen to your child.

hsotdfruitgushers

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 10, 2014 / Posted by:

The strawberry hard candy that everybody’s grandma, auntie and teacher seem to always have a stash of!

I don’t know the history of these shiny-wrapped drops of strawberry deliciousness and I have no idea how they just magically appear at the bottom of your memaw’s pocketbook. It feels like these have been around since before the beginning of time and I bet Methuselah’s nana kept these in her purse and gave them to him when he needed to be entertained by something shiny and sugary. The question, “What came first: the actual strawberry or the strawberry hard candy with the soft center?”, is not a question that can ever be answered.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen these for sale at any store, but yet they’re everywhere. When a teacher becomes a teacher, they get a packet of magic strawberry candy seeds so they can grow these in their apartment or backyard. When a memaw or pepaw turns 65, AARP send them a map to the hidden aisle in the Dollar Tree that sells these child taming candies.

But I do know where my abuelita got her stash of strawberry hard candies. Nearly every Chinese restaurant we went to had a bowl of these candies on the host table and eventually everything in that bowl would find its way into my abuelita’s pocketbook. There could be 10 hosts guarding that bowl of strawberry hard candies and an abuelita will still find a way to empty it into her purse without any of them knowing shit. Every abuelita is a strawberry hard candy ninja.

The best thing about being a pepaw or memaw (besides the fact that you get a free pass to yell at brats) is that when you reach into your pocket, a strawberry hard candy with the soft center magically fills your hand.

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