Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

The “Not The One” Swan whose last nerve has snapped and now he’s on a mission to destroy all model boats in his path!

Lakes are a swan’s home, and one swan in the town of Needham Market in Suffolk, England is done with intruders, like model boats, trespassing on his private space and has declared an all-out war on those bitches. The Telegraph says that the Not The One Swan of Suffolk is putting the HAM in Needham by going crazy on anything that gets in his way. The swan has destroyed around 8 model boats and one of those boats reportedly cost £15,000. (I know, the REAL story here is that a model boat can cost thousands of dollars.)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Michael, you are so damn narcissistic for not only making yourself Hot Slut of the Day, but for also using a Photoshopped  and mega filtered picture of yourself.” Fuck you! That’s offensive to Graham. I wish my torso was covered with micro-titties complete with nipples. That’s an entire motorboat convention on your body!

The Transport Accident Commission in the state of Victoria in Australia got Melbourne-based artiste Patricia Piccinini to create Graham, an interactive sculpture of a human who has “evolved” to withstand car crashes. They created Graham to get attention (pause) for road safety. The Guardian says that Patricia Piccinini worked with a road safety engineer and a trauma surgeon to put together Graham, and of course, they have their reasons for why he has a giant dickhead, a Michael Jackson nose, a field of turnover tits, a pug-like no-neck and inverted ears. They didn’t explain why he has that heart-shaped hairline, though….

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 21, 2016 / Posted by:

Crispy Wheats n’ Raisins cereal!

Because one of my goals is to put the Hot Slut of the Day stamp of dishonor on every single cereal that was born in the 80s (or in this case, the late 70s) and is no longer with us anymore, today’s HSOTD is the crispy deliciousness that was supposed to take out Raisin Bran as the forever reigning Emperor of Raisin And Flakes Cereal. General Mills put Crispy Wheats ‘n Raisins cereal on shelves in 1979, because they wanted to give the people a cereal that didn’t turn into a soggy swamp of morning sadness five seconds after leche touched it. General Mills bragged that unlike Raisin Bran, their wheat flakes cereal wouldn’t ever look like something found in a used-up diaper.

The flakes in CWNR cereal were “honey touched,” so they supposedly didn’t get soggy. And I’m pretty sure that the CWNR cereal commercial from 1986 starred Margaux Kramer, the third best Punky Brewster character after Cherie and Brandon.

Crispy Wheats ‘n Raisins cereal was sent to the cereal morgue sometime in the early 90s, because people would rather shovel spoonfuls of raisin-filled wheat diarrhea into their mouths than honey touched crispy flakes. Not even the approval of Margaux Fucking Kramer could save it and if that couldn’t save it, nothing will. And on a different note,  “Honey Touched,” said in a dramatic whisper like in the commercial, is a good drag name.

(For Ramon)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Tiffany Trump’s contribution to the music world “Like a Bird“!

All week at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump’s spawn has been earning their trust fund by burping up words of praise for the half-digested cheese curd. Last night, it was his second youngest’s turn. 22-year-old Tiffany looks like an early-80s actress who was so close to landing the role of Chrissy Snow’s other cousin Cammy Snow before Three’s Company was canceled. What I’m saying is that if I had to choose a favorite Trump, Tiffany would be it.

Malia Obama’s fourth grade teacher hasn’t come out to say that Tiffany Trump’s speech sounded a lot like the paper Malia wrote about her family, so based on that, I’d say that Tiffany nailed it. While sounding like Miley Cyrus doing her “job interview” voice, Tiffany didn’t really get into political shit. She mostly spilled out “stories” about her dad like how he used to add nice notes to all of the report cards she still keeps, was the first to call her when someone close to her died and was the kind of hands-on dad who measured her chest for her first bra. (Okay, she didn’t say that last part.) Like I said, Tiffany didn’t really get into politics and told several old stories about her dad, so her speech felt more like a eulogy. If that was Tiffany’s way of saying that her daddy’s campaign is almost dead, well played, Tiffany!

Because of Tiffany Trump’s grand debut on a NATIONAL STAGE yesterday, many pulled out her one (and so far only) gift to the world of art. Like many children of rich, famous bitches, Tiffany dabbled in music and in 2011, she released “Like a Bird,” which sadly isn’t a cover of “I’m Like A Bird.” Tiffany did the song with Sprite and Logic (who are surprisingly, not lost Teletubbies) and its lyrics are pure pop poetry:

I see you like that spot above.
Crawling through the liquid love.
You’re cute and you’re tweeting me!
Baby you go “Beep, beep, beep!”

It’s the kind of lyrics that Taylor Swift would write if Taylor Swift hit puberty. And here’s Tiffany’s musical masterpiece in all its auto-tuned dream pop glory:

The RNC would’ve been for nothing if Tiffany Trump doesn’t close that bitch with this song of the summer!

Pic: Amazon

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

July 19, 2016 / Posted by:

The yodeling cowboy and his “Trump dog,” who brought the messiness to the outside of the RNC! 

On the first night of the RNC, the dusty Hobby Lobby clearance bin version of Kirk Cameron, Scott Baio, and the chonies model many of us jacked it to in the 90s, Antonio Sabato Jr., found a way to clear their busy-as-hell schedules of fighting with kids on Twitter and (insert whatever it is Antonio does nowadays) to mouth fart up words of support for Donald Trump. But the foolery-fueled entertainment wasn’t only on the inside of the convention, it was on the outside too. (And yes, we’ll get to the Slovenian gold digger rose Melania Trump going all season 1 Brandon Walsh last night in a minute.)

In the field of demonstrators outside of the RNC, was a preppy cowboy and his bitch named the “Trump dog,” who dressed like a middle-aged dad going on a boat cruise in Cape Cod, for some reason. The cowboy asked the people to kick his Trump dog (BUT NOT THE FACE!) and when he wasn’t doing that, he kicked eardrums by yodeling out a Trump song as his pet howled. Gawker has a video of that if you feel like letting your ears know that you hate them. And here’s a short Vine of the cowboy and his Trump dog:

I don’t know if they’re anti-Trump or pro-Trump, but they’re obviously pro-attention and pro-fuckery, and that’s good enough for me. And I’ve been to the Folsom Street Fair before, so I’ve seen some shit, but this is next-level hardcore kink. I don’t think there’s a safe word at the RNC (they want you to suffer through every second of Trump speaking), but if there was, everyone in that video would be screaming it at the cowboy and his Trump dog.

Pic: @mktwrobs 

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 18, 2016 / Posted by:

The Wall’s Lifetime Music Guarantee!

Before we got our music through Spotify, or iTunes or those Russian music websites (I see you, bitch!), we had to get our music at this thing called a “music store.” Yup, in my day, we had to get in our Fred Flintstone cars and fight off dinosaurs as we drove to the “music store,” and we did it while suffering from the bubonic plague! We bled for our music. The Wall was one of those music store chains and it was mainly on the East Coast. So to us chirrun of the West, I guess The Wall was like Music Plus.

Many music stores had a “lifetime guarantee,” but it became The Wall’s trademark. The Wall made the promise that if anything made your CD un-listenable, they’d replace it. If your CD got fucked up from you snorting lines off of it, The Wall would replace it! If your sister used your CD as a mirror while she plucked her brows and she accidentally scratched it up with her tweezers, The Wall would replace it! There were probably some people out there who thought that music stores would last until eternity and that nothing would replace CDs since they were the pinnacle of music technology, so they figured that their CDs were protected forever.

But like most music stores, The Wall sadly came crumbling down, and now it’s just a giant pile of dust and broken plastic CD security cases. The Wall never lied, though. Their lifetime guarantee was real, they just didn’t specify whose lifetime. The Wall may be dead, but their blue Lifetime Music Guarantee stickers will live forever.

RIP The Wall.

Long live Lifetime Music Guarantee stickers!

(For Kathleen) Pic: Spike Eskin

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July 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Donna Lewis, the Welsh sensation who took over your eardrums in 1996! And no, don’t ask me why Donna’s scarf looks like a rubber glove full of melted Sweethearts. Or maybe it looks like a bunch of used skinny condoms that the Care Bears busted heart-shaped nuts into.

“I Love You Always Forever” is a song that will always forever be stuck in the deepest crevices of my brain and will never ever leave. I could bust my head and get amnesia, and if my nurse started humming the melody to the chorus, I’d immediately start warbling out the lyrics, “Everywhere I will be with you, everything I will do 4 U!”  Donna Lewis still makes and performs music today and she had other small hits (like that Anastasia song with Richard Marx), but ILYAF was the indestructible ear worm that spent 9 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 (it peaked at #2) in the US and has spent 20 years squirming around the inside of my head.

Donna wrote it herself and it was the first single off of her first album “Now In A Minute.” When ILYAF came out in 1996, everyone thought it was a Cyndi Lauper song, and I forever thought Donna Lewis was the sister of Clea Lewis from Ellen and Diabolique. They’re practically voice twins. And the video was pure mid-90s. It was shot in sepia, Donna wore a baby doll T and she danced around in an empty apartment. In the 90s, every music trick was avoiding unpacking by dancing around in their empty apartment.

That song was already a permanent resident in my brain, pretty much, and now thanks to me listening to it again, its lease has been extended for at least 20 more years. I’ll be singing that song all damn day, and I hope the cashier at Ralph’s knows what’s happening to me when I forget that people can hear me and I sing out  loud, “Yooooooooooou’ve got the most unbelievable blue eeeeeyes…

Pic: The Brooklyn Paper

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July 16, 2016 / Posted by:

The Glamour Gals! 

Kenner was a toy company whose biggest hit was their line of Star Wars action figures that came out in the 70s and 80s. Action figures were their thing, so in the 80s, they decided to compete with Barbie by giving birth to Kevin Hart-sized (aka action figure-sized) dolls that wore stunning fashions, lived luxurious lives and dripped with glamour, while giving the same face (no, really, they all had the same face). Kenner called them the “Glamour Gals Collection” and even though they were the size a Bumblebee Bat’s clit, they exuded four hundred tons of potent and pure glam-oooooor. Each doll had a name and came dressed in an ensemble that was Sheila E.’s classic “The Glamorous Life” in fashion form. Kenner also made accessories for the Glamour Gals including this luxurious ocean liner that took them to exotic locales (read: the kiddie pool in the backyard).

glamourgirlscruiseship2016

Toy stores became much less glamorous sometime in the 80s when Kenner eventually got rid of the Glamour Gals. That was a damn shame for us lovers of glamour. And it was really a damn shame for Tommy Cruise. One of those Glamour Dolls would’ve made the perfect wife for him. They’re empty on the inside, will go wherever he drags them and they’re only a teeny tiny bit taller than him when wearing heels.

And here’s a Glamour Gals commercial, which I thought starred Victoria Principal, from 1981:

Is that offer still valid, because I need Jessie (in fancy formal) in my life!

Pics: Pinterest

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July 15, 2016 / Posted by:

The dude from China who allegedly wore a masterful disguise to collect his lottery check so that vultures won’t pick at him for money!

None of us are going to win a humongous shit load of money in the lottery, but some of us say that if we do, we’re going to fake our death Sleeping with the Enemy-style and run off to the deserted Caribbean island we bought with our winnings and live a rich loner bitch life where naked Prince Hot Ginge impersonators will hand feed us Popeye’s and In-N-Out shipped in hourly. A man in China also wants to keep his money-hungry relatives from sniffing up his ass for cash, so he wore a Baymax costume to the lottery press conference he was forced to go to.

There’s not many details about this hero. A Redditor posted the picture above and claims that this lottery winner disguised himself as Baymax from Big Hero 6 to keep thieves and poor family members from finding out his identity. (Side note: Does Baymax always look like a sad, formerly obese jizz fish who now has a lot of excess skin or is it just that costume?)

Do they not say names at lottery press conferences in China? Or does the dude not really care about that and only cares about his face popping up in newspapers and on TV? Whatever, it’s still a smart move. And if that lottery winner really is Baymax and is trying to trick people by saying that he’s just a regular dude in a Baymax costume, then it’s an even smarter move. Get that money (anonymously), bitch!

Pic: Reddit (via Popsugar)

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July 14, 2016 / Posted by:

The hot dog troll daddy who gets murdered by a chick on acid in the educational anti-drug movie Case Study: LSD!

Today’s HSOTD joins the short list of posthumous HSOTDs, because sadly, he’s no longer with us since a crazy mess on a bad trip viciously killed him!

All the way back in the golden era of LSD, the Lockheed Aircraft Corporation decided that they should use their money to fund a bunch of anti-drug short films. (The people at the Lockheed Aircraft Corporation who made that decision were probably tripping on acid at the time.) One of the movies that came out of their cinematic war on drugs was the 1969 comedy masterpiece Case Study: LSD.

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