Category: Hot Slut of the Day

Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Sully, the thespian seagull whose name should be above and before Blake NotSoLively’s in every single ad and commercial for The Shallows!

After seeing The Shallows over the weekend, I am confused as to why Blake Lively did all of the press for the movie while the real star, Sully the Seagull, did none. Even Blake agrees that Sully is the true star of the movie. Sully is probably a real actor who trained at Juilliard and unlike Blake, he’s about the art and not about all the attention. Obviously, that’s the reason!

The plot for The Shallows is well (get ready to GONG me), shallow (GONG!). There’s not much to it. Blake NotSoLively goes surfing, ends up in a cunty Great White shark’s feeding zone, it attacks her  and she swims to a rock formation where she tries to get herself together and figure out how she’s going to get away from Jaws’ apprentice. That shark must’ve been on some kind of macrobiotic diet, because I don’t know why it wants to chomp on Blake’s bland ass so bad. Blake spends a good chunk of the movie on that rock formation. And just when you begin to think, “Shit, am I going to have to look at Blake NotSoLively the entire time?“, we meet the movie’s real lead, Steven Seagull, mostly played by the Meryl Streep of seagulls, Sully.

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

June 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Vixen!

No glam rocker was as much of a glamorous and gorgeous-faced goddess as Sebastian Bach was, but the AquaNet-covered jewels of Vixen came pretty close. Vixen’s founding guitarist, the late Jan Kuehnemund, created the band of all-goddess glam rockers in St. Paul, Minnesota in the 1970s and after they moved to L.A. in 1985, they became the Queens of the Sunset Strip! Or something. Vixen has had many members throughout the years, but the “classic line-up” was made up of Jan, singer Janet Gardner, bassist Share Pederson and drummer Roxy Petrucci.

Their first hit, and the song I know them best from, was “Edge Of A Broken Heart,” which was co-written by Richard Marx. I listened to this 80s glam rock masterpiece again this morning, and immediately added Vixen to the long list of true artistes that Lady Gaga has copy + pasted from. “Edge Of A Broken Heart” sounds like the flawless diamond to “The Edge of Glory’s” chipped CZ.

WARNING: After you press play on this piece of glam rock perfection, you may find yourself contributing to the end of the ozone layer by teasing and spraying your mane until it’s so stiff that it doesn’t move when you bust out sweet, sexy moves in front of a fan and smoke machine.

Vixen got themselves another hit with “Cryin‘.” They broke up in 1991 after putting out a couple of albums, but they’ve reunited a few times since then.

I know I said before that nothing could save the blasphemous abomination that was the Jem and the Holograms movie, but I take that back. It would’ve ruled the box office if Vixen played The Misfits and about 10 minutes into the movie, they destroyed Jem and the rest of the movie was just them playing their greatest hits.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Rubik, the Amazing Cube!

My brain is a giant dumpster pile of tattered and bird-shit covered memories, and every now and again, a rat scurries through the rubble and pulls out something that was hidden deep down at the bottom. That’s what happened to me the other night when I remembered the flop cartoon from the early 80s that starred a damn Rubik’s Cube. In the 80s, almost everything was turned into either a cereal or a cartoon or both, so it’s not exactly surprising that an emotionless cube became the star of a TV show. (Although, an emotionless cube named Ben Affleck is the star of a multi-multi-million dollar superhero franchise, so I guess the 2000s aren’t that different.)

The animation studio Ruby-Spears (which sounds like the name of Brit Brit’s hot tobacco-chewing diner waitress auntie), who gave us the Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon, produced the cartoon Rubik The Amazing Cube. An executive probably came up with the idea after snorting a line of PCP-laced coke off of a Rubik’s Cube. The creators of this acid trip foolery gave Rubik an alien troll head, which only popped out when someone lined up his colors. That may or may not have led to the creation of the phrase, “Now I’ve seen fucking everything!” The plot of this cartoon was as equally as crazy. via Wikipedia

Rubik had fallen out of the stagecoach of an evil magician, who became the main villain of the series. Rubik helped 3 siblings—Carlos, Lisa, and Reynaldo Rodriguez—in foiling the magician’s attempts to recover Rubik. Once, Rubik was recovered by a detective who was a relative of the magician, but then decided the children should keep Rubik as the magician would use him for evil and selfish purposes.

I don’t know what kind of “evil” and “selfish” purposes you could use a stupid cube toy for. Maybe the souls of the magician’s enemies jumped out of their bodies every time they saw Rubik’s creepy face pop out of his cube body.

Rubik The Amazing Cube only lasted 1 season from 1983 to 1984. Menudo sang the theme song:

It’s sad that it didn’t last, honestly. I mean, a morning cartoon about a Rubik’s Cube that had a theme song sung by Menudo is just so gloriously early-80s. It’s so early-80s that typing that sentence made me shit up Tab soda.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 24, 2016 / Posted by:

The Russian legend who protested her right to sun her nalgas out of her apartment window by sunning her nalgas every sunny day!

I’m going to go ahead and assume that all of the citizens of the UK who voted to BREXIT did it because they really want to join the Russian Federation so they can be a part of the same union with this #FREETHENALGAS hero. That must be it. Meduza (via Gawker) says that every time the sun is out in the city of Novosibirsk, a delicate Russian rose feeds her ass cheeks a giant serving of Vitamin D by hanging them out of a window in her second floor apartment. Her ass cheek sunning session starts at around 10 in the morning and stops at around 1 in the afternoon. She doesn’t totally look like a terra cotta pot on the bottom and a white china plate on top, because she also suns her other parts sometimes.

Believe it or not, but there are some prude ass bitches who don’t appreciate that this butt-tanning activist has been beautifying their block with her nalgas. There’s a children’s art center nearby, so some neighbors have gone full думать о детях (Rosetta Stone’s drunk brother Google translate tells me that’s Russian for “THINK OF THE CHILDREN“). They’re afraid that the innocent eyes of the children will be tainted by the sight of a human’s butt. The butt-tanning haters started a petition to report her to the police and her building’s administration, but it hasn’t worked and she hasn’t stopped. The man who took that picture of our nalgas-bearing Russian pioneer and her sunny side up ass said this to Novosibirsk News:

“I know that old ladies collected signatures to go to the police and to the control house. But it does not end, the lady continued to sunbathe. It’s her apartment, it’s her body.”

Whenever I’m feeling confused or scared, I’m going to close my eyes and think of the angry Russian memaws trying and failing to hit our hero’s ass cheeks with slingshot pebbles. It won’t make me feel any less confused or scared, but at least I’ll get a quick laugh out of it. Keep fucking that chicken sunning those cheeks, Russian hero!

Pic: NGS

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Adam Lindin Ljungkvist, the farting footballer who was pooted out of a game for farting!

This week’s theme is turning out to be footballers blowing hot air. First, ball-kicking piece of muscled-up charred bacon Crispy Ronaldo blew hot air by throwing a reporter’s mic into the lake, and now here’s a Swedish footballer who got red carded for butt queefing during a match. The Guardian brings us this highly important fart news about a player for Pershagen SK who was kicked out of a game against Jarna SK’s reserves because the referee didn’t like what was coming out of his ass.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Margaret Foster (as played by Peggy Pope), the alcoholic secretary from 9 to 5!

We could all use a drunk, but lovable, co-worker who constantly cheers us on while giving us a slap on the taint. So, you want to kidnap your scab-encrusted sexist shit bag of a boss and Fifty Shades him into a chair in his mansion? Atta girl! So, you almost murder your pus-filled nipple pimple of a boss by accidentally putting rat poison in his coffee? Atta girl! So, you’re completely over everything and want to get Audrina’s mom-levels of drunk? Atta girl!

Margaret Foster is the alcoholic secretary in 9 to 5 who spits out one of the movie’s most memorable lines, “Atta girl,” which is something you usually say to a dog. “Atta girl” is Margaret’s catchphrase and was even the title of her memoirs. As it should be, because nobody says it like her:

On April Fool’s Day ten years ago, I joked that they were making a sequel to 9 to 5 called 10 to 6. I’m all for a sequel, but I hope they never do a reboot. Because if they ever reboot 9 to 5 and bring it into modern day, Margaret will be replaced with a millennial intern who won’t turn around and say “Atta girl” when the girls go down to the bar. She’ll instead tag Violet, Doralee and Judy in a tweet and say, “Savage AF moms!”

(For Keith H)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 21, 2016 / Posted by:

McDonald’s Orange Drink, the “it!” drink (or “shit drink,” depending on who you ask) of school functions and sporting events!

When my 3rd grade class “graduated” on the last day of school, we got a special gourmet catered lunch from McDonald’s that was paid for by our parents. The “gourmet catered lunch” was basically just cheeseburgers, fries and a plastic keg filled with the toxic nectar of the fast food gods: Orange Drink! My little classmates ran toward that Orange Drink keg as though it was a fountain of vodka and their last name was Lohan. It was orange-colored magic in a keg!

McDonald’s Orange Drink was a drink that couldn’t be called juice because the keg it came in was made of more natural materials than it was. It was served up at any function or event whose budget didn’t have enough money for Coke or even Shasta. I remember it tasting like a mixture of water, generic brand orange-flavored cough syrup, an overused truck stop bathroom urinal cake and Sweet ‘N Low, but Urban Dictionary’s description is pretty spot on:

It tastes like orange, but only not really. More like you mixed frozen orange juice, rain water, and paid a hobo a twinky to piss in it. That’s much closer to the actual taste. But for some reason watered down orange piss failed in marketing. Go figure.

If you’re wondering if I ever tasted water mixed with orange-flavored cough syrup, an overused truck stop bathroom urinal cake and Sweet ‘N Low, I don’t need to since I’ve tasted Orange Drink!

Pop Rewind says that sadly, McDonald’s retired the original Orange Drink a while ago and replaced it with Hi-C Orange Lavaburst in the US. McDonald’s may have done away with the original Orange Drink, but drops of it will forever live inside of my stomach because the human body still hasn’t figured out what to do with it.

Pic: Facebook

(For Rachel)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Cody, the Labrador who discovered an important key to easy living, and now his life will never be the same again!

In Southern California, it’s hotter than Lucifer’s throbbing hemorrhoid and you can’t go outside without wearing a frozen butt plug that you’ve been keeping in the freezer for days like this. I have no idea where Cody the Labrador lives, but if his homeland is going to be as hot as it is here, then he’s going to practically live in the pool this week. And now thanks to a brand new, mind-blowing trick he just learned, he’ll be living a lot easier.

Cody’s human was filming him doing the doggy paddle in the pool when she captured an extremely important, life-changing moment in dog history and posted it on Facebook (via Reddit). Cody somehow realized that the pool has a bottom and so he doesn’t have to exert his dog muscles by paddling around. Cody can stand on his paws and enjoy the coolness of it all. This changes EVERYTHING!

That look of enlightenment, calmness and relief that covers Cody’s face when his paws touch the bottom of the pool is probably the same look I made when I discovered that I didn’t have to only stand to piss. I can sit too! Hmmm and now that I watch that video again, it looks like Cody also just discovered an easier way to piss in the pool. Cody doesn’t have to juggle paddling and pissing at the same time anymore, he can now just stand there and let it go. Cody’s life has definitely gotten 2000% better!

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

June 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Michael Taylor (as played by Paul Reiser) and Joey Harris (as played by piping hot piece Greg Evigan) from My Two Dads!

My Facebook feed looks like a Hot Dads of the 80s calendar, because everyone is posting vintage pictures of their hot dads in swim trunks at the lake (and yes, I’m replying to every picture, “Got noodz of that hot piece?”) That could mean only one of two things: It’s either Father’s Day or it’s DILF Appreciation Day. DILF Appreciation Day is a thing that actually exists, but it’s on June 21, so it’s Father’s Day! In honor of Daddy’s Day, let’s pay tribute to the daddies from the 80s paternal masterpiece My Two Dads!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Irritabelle, the personification of an irritable colon in a wig! (“I thought the personification of an irritable colon in a wig was Donald Trump?” – almost everyone)

Many commercials for meds are so weird that they make you feel like one of the side effects of the pills they’re trying to sell is “hallucinating some real fuckery,” and the commercial for Viberzi does just that. Viberzi (which sounds like the name of a chocha rash you get from overusing a vibrator) is a pill that’s supposed to help people whose IBS just won’t let them live their life, because their ass cheeks have to be cemented to the toilet seat at all times.

The makers of this ad campaign for Viberzi decided to put a face on diarrhea and abdominal pain. The current face of diarrhea and abdominal pain for many of us is this year’s presidential election. But according to the makers of this ad campaign, an irritable colon looks and acts a lot like a Kathy Griffin impersonator. So they hired actress Illana Becker, slapped a ginger wig on her and put her to work. Irritabelle’s shoes alone are giving me the wet shits:

Illana talked to AdWeek back in April, when the ad campaign launched, about how she tackled playing a colon:

“Irritabelle doesn’t intend to be irritating, or even remotely hurtful—so I wanted to be sure the character came from an honest yet playful place. Also, as someone who has struggled with stomach issues myself, I wanted to be clear on how frustrating the condition can be and not make fun of it in any way.”

Meryl Streep, WHO?! And I hope this leads to Irritabelle playing the annoying ex-girlfriend of Slim Goodbody in the Slim Goodbody movie that needs to happen.

(For Texndoc)

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