Karlie Kloss must really want some big name invites to her upcoming marriage to Joshua Kushner, because she’s hanging out with her once bestie, Taylor Swift, again. Someone call Jennifer Lawrence and let her know! She’ll finally be able to focus her energies on her feud with Lala Kent.
“I hope you also bought a deluxe shock-absorbing saddle, because I don’t want to blow out my coochie bone the first time it decides to take a rough gallop.” Can you tell I know nothing about horses?
It looks like Blake Shelton decided to take his relationship with Gwen Stefani to the next level, which as we all know is giving your special someone an expensive animal. Last month, Gwen posted this on Instagram:
She never said who gave her that horse. I’m sure it had nothing to do with playing coy and hoping people would guess that Halo the Horsie was from Blake. Well, guess what? Blake told Entertainment Tonight last night that the gift came from him. Mystery solved!
“We got her horse and I got myself a horse at the same time. Gwen, she loves riding and she loves horses. It’s actually so funny that people are so shocked by that, but if you can name me one girl on the planet that doesn’t love horses or just think that they are beautiful.”
Hmmm… I don’t personally know any of their names, but I do know that they work at a restaurant in Newport, Kentucky.
There will be no shade from me in regards to Blake giving his girlfriend a horse. Unlike some famous people who adopt animals, Gwen and Blake seem like the type who will take care of theirs. Not to mention that Gwen is a rich person, so that horsie will always have the best apples and salt licks. What I do have a problem with is the name she gave her horse. Halo??? What kind of boring-ass, violently un-Gwen Stefani name is Halo? Or maybe Halo is short for Hella Good Santa Cruz Pickitup Pony, in which case I stand corrected.
I’m sure there’s more than a few people who just shouted “…and if that horse doesn’t want it, I’ll take it!” at their computer screens.
So for those of you who have ever wondered if Michael Fassbender has a story about a horse that got a boner whenever he rode it, well – here you go. Michael Fassbender recently admitted during an appearance on The Graham Norton Show that he became all too familiar with horse dicks while filming Jane Eyre back in 2011. And no, it’s not because the walls of his trailer were covered in mirrors (that’s a joke about Michael Fassbender’s giant penis, in case I was being too subtle).
According to Michael Fassbender, Prince (his horsie co-star) used to get a horsie erection every time Michael Fassbender climbed on his back. So Prince’s handler, a guy named Dan, would switch places with Fassbender and trot him around until his boner went down. I guess that’s the horse version of picturing Tan Mom naked? But Michael doesn’t just talk about horse boners; he also does some horse boner charades and uses his arm to show what Prince’s penis did when Michael Fassbender mounted him. And that, my friends, is how a GIF is born. You can watch it all below.
I don’t know much about horse dicks (save for what I know about Trace Cyrus), but I doubt Prince was getting horny every time he got an accidental back massage courtesy of Michael Fassbender’s bulge. Horses aren’t dumb; I’m sure they’ve heard the stories about Michael Fassbender’s extra-beefy pants pony. Prince was probably just whipping his horse wang out for a friendly game of “Who’s bigger?“. I’m sure if Michael Fassbender spoke horse, he’d know that Prince’s neighs were his way of saying “Okay, but for real, don’t judge me too hard – it’s pretty cold out here.”
Many of us spent our weekends with an ice pack on top of our heads, because we knocked a knot into our skulls when we fell over after reading the shocking news about how Kaley Cuoco’s marriage of 21 months threw itself into a casket. But well, Kaley isn’t sitting at home crying into a bowl of cake batter while Tinder swiping her way to her next quickie husband. Kaley is back in the saddle and yes, it’s only Monday and I already hate myself for making that pun.
No, that picture above isn’t Kaley kissing on her new rebound Trace Cyrus. That picture is of Kaley kissing on one of her horses who is a sneeze away from giving her a horse snot facial. Kaley spent the weekend mending her broken heart with horse love (and not in an Equus way, I think). Kaley competed in some horse-jumping event in La Cañada Flintridge, CA and she Instagrammed pictures of her horses including a picture of her divorce present to herself: a new horse named Zaza. Kaley was busy on Instagram, because when she wasn’t posting pictures of her horse friends, she was busy doing the social media version of cutting your man’s face out of pictures. Kaley erased Ryan Sweeting’s face from her Instagram page. Kaley also took off her wedding ring, so it seems like she’s happy to be done with Whatshisname. A source also tells People that before they broke up, Kaley and Ryan seemed like they hated each other, which sometimes happens when you a marry trick you’ve known for 5 seconds.
“The few times Kaley and Ryan were out together recently, the tension was noticeable. You could tell the honeymoon phase had ended. It seemed they were trying to work out their marriage by going on dates, but they both seemed miserable.”
Kaley will probably have a new fiancé by the end of the month, but she shouldn’t bother with human dudes when horse friends are much better. Yes, a horse is a freeloader as much as Ryan Sweeting is, but a horse lives somewhere else, won’t argue with you since it can’t speak human words and…and…and I better stop here before I write some gross crap that sounds like it was ripped out of Zoo.