Does he not still have that vampire costume from Dark Shadows? “Yeah, no. I don’t. Even I don’t want to be reminded about that mess” whispered Johnny Depp.
When I heard the words “And later on in the show, a performance by the Hollywood Vampires” during a commercial break last night, my first instinct was to run and grab my second-hand embarrassment snuggie. Sure, it’s just an old Popples sleeping bag that I’ve rigged to cut off all light and sound for when shit gets too humiliating, but it gets the job done. And when faced with the possibility of watching Johnny Depp define desperate cool dad in front of millions, I don’t want to take any chances.
I don’t know if Johnny Depp is the Hollywood Vampires’ mascot or what, but he should be. Nothing says “A sinister being has drained me of my hotness” like Johnny Depp’s face. But I will say this: the Hollywood Vampires’ pseudo-tribute to Lemmy wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Their performance was kind of like watching Johnny Depp, Joe Perry, Alice Cooper, and Duff McKaagan play Rock Band in the 7th layer of Hell, and that’s not the worst, right?
The good news is that if the Hollywood Vampires go on tour, they’ll always have a place to stay in Australia. While shuffling along the red carpet last night, Johnny admitted/mumbled to 7 News Sydney that Barnaby Joyce – Australia’s Minister of Agriculture and the dude who threatened to send Boo and Pistol Depp to the Rainbow Bridge – recently offered to let him stay at his house. Yikes, be careful what you wish for, Barnaby. You’ll need every environmental scientist in Australia on hand to quarantine the critters Johnny Depp leaves behind in your bed sheets.