When Hugh Hefner’s former denture scrubber Holly Madison announced that she had finally given birth to her second baby, all I wanted to know was what she named him. He could have blasted out of her uterus screaming “Panama” by Van Halen, or cut his own umbilical cord by shooting lasers out of his tiny baby eyes, and I’d still only care about his name. Holly and her husband Pasquale Rotella named their three-year-old daughter Rainbow Aurora. I crossed my fingers for another name that sounded like a brand of holographic vinyl car wraps. Well, it’s not as bonkers as I was hoping for, but it’s pretty good.
Last night, Michael linked to some pictures of former Playboy Mansion clean-up girl Holly Madison looking beyond pregnant. It was as if she fell into some time hole and her baby instantly aged 3 years inside of her. I was starting to get worried that Holly was going to have to start shoving some early learning books up there so that her kid knows how to read when it finally emerges from her body as an adult. But I can stop worrying about such an insane situation, because Holly finally gave birth.
Since Holly Madison is peddling a new book called The Vegas Diaries, she is once again going on about how being a member of Hugh Hefner’s harem of rotating plastic blondes killed her inside and that she was constantly living in fear because of competition with the other hos. Holly’s face is on the cover of this week’s People under the words, “I Was Living in Fear,” and well, her arch rival Kendra Wilkinson had something to say about it. And thanks to Kendra, the walls of my nightmares will be covered with new images.
I used to watch The Girls Next Door (something my brain still hasn’t forgiven me for), and I always thought that if anyone was going to run full-tilt towards a normal life when the show ended, it would be Bridget Marquardt’s chronically not-into-it dog Wednesday. I never counted on Holly Madison being the married-with-two-kids type; she really seemed more like the crushing-boner-pills-into-Heff’s-apple-sauce-till-death-do-them-part type. But here we are.
Holly called up People and spilled the news that her husband of two years, Pasquale Rotella, put a second baby into her body. Holly and Pasquale are already parents to a two-and-a-half year old daughter named Rainbow Aurora Rotella. Holly says she’s “so excited“, and that her second pregnancy will be more enjoyable than the first because she’ll know what to expect this time around. She went ahead and confirmed that she was pregnant again on Instagram by throwing up an old picture of her kissing newborn Rainbow with the caption: “Can’t wait for another little one to join the family in August!”
Because she was lucky and her call was picked up by a receptionist instead of going straight to People’s general voicemail box, Holly gave more information about the baby living inside her. Like that she thinks it’s a boy. She also confirmed that Rainbow Aurora won’t be the only one in the family with a WTF-worthy name. Holly says she already has a few names picked out for Baby #2, but won’t say what they are. Since her first kid’s name sounds like it was picked at random from the toy section of a 1980’s Sears Wish Book, I’m going to guess that Holly’s new baby will be named either Jenga He-Man or G.I. Glo Worm.
In the event you really want to see what a barely-pregnant Holly Madison looks like, here she is strolling the red carpet at the opening night of Jennifer Lopez’s Vegas show on Wednesday.
Holly Madison is about 5 years late with her Tales from the Crypt tell-all about Hugh Hefner, but I guess it’s never too late to hear about the adventures of Hef’s mummy finger dick. (Pro-tip: If you ever get with a famous piece, do like Holly did and don’t sign a non-disclosure, so you can tell all in a book one day.)
Holly’s tell-all Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny is coming out in a couple of weeks, so her publisher is really selling it hard by releasing pieces from it. Holly, who is now married with a kid, writes about everything from how Hef left her $3 million in his will to how she was surprised to learn that the cum dust his dick slit spits out can’t be used to make a baby.
Holly Madison’s boyfriend and the dude she made her baby Rainbow Aurora with proposed to her at the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas over the weekend and he did it with a ring that is so uniquely stunning that you have to be high on E to fully appreciate its beauty. Pop something mind-numbing into your mouth and fully take in the splendor of it all. (Or just lick the screen since I’m 100% sure those jewels are really crystallized acid.)
Pasquale Rotella, who produced the Electric Daisy Carnival, proposed to Holly on top of the Ferris wheel. That Ferris wheel must be stronger than Hugh Jackman’s arm veins, because you’d think that it would collapse from the weight of that ring’s classiness. The makers of Holly’s hitchin’ ring released a press release to Reality Tea about the ring, because even a fame whore’s fame whore engagement ring gets its own press release:
Inspired by the Electric Daisy Carnival and the beauty of flowers, the ornate engagement ring design was the vision of Pasquale Rotella in collaboration with family friends & Premier Beverly Hills Jewelry Designers Layna & Alan Friedman. Alan & Layna visited with Holly Madison, Pasquale and their daughter Rainbow at their Las Vegas home to present the 18 carat fancy intense yellow diamond to be used as the center diamond. As Holly laid the rare stone on her finger, Pasquale knew by her expression that they had found the perfect centerpiece for her ring. Production on the ring began immediately upon Layna & Alan’s return to the Alan Friedman Store in Beverly Hills. This dynamic design duo sought after for their dazzling and unique custom creations, pulled the finest natural intense color diamonds from their collection to bring to life Pasquale’s vision and arrange the 3.5 carats of vivid pink, yellow and blue natural color diamond flowers to adorn the ring. A custom hand-engraved owl adds intricate detail and individuality to the hand-crafted mounting. “Adding the uniqueness like the owl that the couple has a shared love of, adds romance and sentiment to their jewelry piece,” says Designer Layna. The gorgeous, one-of-a-kind ring is valued at over $2,000,000.
TWO MILLION DOLLARS for a ring that’s two million sparkly layers of fug. I’ve seen Holly’s reality show and I don’t even think her house is worth two million dollars. Well, Pasquale is facing embezzlement charges and he could go to prison for 14 years and be forced to pay a lot of money in fines, so he probably gave Holly something she can sell on eBay to pay her mortgage. That’s a nice thought. I still don’t believe it’s worth two million dollars, though. Holly needs to pull out her Lisa Frank magnifying glass (I know you’ve got one, ho), examine the inside of the band and try to tell me that the letters “QVC” aren’t on it.
That ring does look like Holly’s kind of ring, though. It looks like a menstrual berry out of a Care Bear’s twat. It looks like an oozing growth stuck to Liberace’s taint. Hmm….since I put it that way, I love it!