Holly Madison is about 5 years late with her Tales from the Crypt tell-all about Hugh Hefner, but I guess it’s never too late to hear about the adventures of Hef’s mummy finger dick. (Pro-tip: If you ever get with a famous piece, do like Holly did and don’t sign a non-disclosure, so you can tell all in a book one day.)
Holly’s tell-all Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny is coming out in a couple of weeks, so her publisher is really selling it hard by releasing pieces from it. Holly, who is now married with a kid, writes about everything from how Hef left her $3 million in his will to how she was surprised to learn that the cum dust his dick slit spits out can’t be used to make a baby.
Holly Madison’s boyfriend and the dude she made her baby Rainbow Aurora with proposed to her at the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas over the weekend and he did it with a ring that is so uniquely stunning that you have to be high on E to fully appreciate its beauty. Pop something mind-numbing into your mouth and fully take in the splendor of it all. (Or just lick the screen since I’m 100% sure those jewels are really crystallized acid.)
Pasquale Rotella, who produced the Electric Daisy Carnival, proposed to Holly on top of the Ferris wheel. That Ferris wheel must be stronger than Hugh Jackman’s arm veins, because you’d think that it would collapse from the weight of that ring’s classiness. The makers of Holly’s hitchin’ ring released a press release to Reality Tea about the ring, because even a fame whore’s fame whore engagement ring gets its own press release:
Inspired by the Electric Daisy Carnival and the beauty of flowers, the ornate engagement ring design was the vision of Pasquale Rotella in collaboration with family friends & Premier Beverly Hills Jewelry Designers Layna & Alan Friedman. Alan & Layna visited with Holly Madison, Pasquale and their daughter Rainbow at their Las Vegas home to present the 18 carat fancy intense yellow diamond to be used as the center diamond. As Holly laid the rare stone on her finger, Pasquale knew by her expression that they had found the perfect centerpiece for her ring. Production on the ring began immediately upon Layna & Alan’s return to the Alan Friedman Store in Beverly Hills. This dynamic design duo sought after for their dazzling and unique custom creations, pulled the finest natural intense color diamonds from their collection to bring to life Pasquale’s vision and arrange the 3.5 carats of vivid pink, yellow and blue natural color diamond flowers to adorn the ring. A custom hand-engraved owl adds intricate detail and individuality to the hand-crafted mounting. “Adding the uniqueness like the owl that the couple has a shared love of, adds romance and sentiment to their jewelry piece,” says Designer Layna. The gorgeous, one-of-a-kind ring is valued at over $2,000,000.
TWO MILLION DOLLARS for a ring that’s two million sparkly layers of fug. I’ve seen Holly’s reality show and I don’t even think her house is worth two million dollars. Well, Pasquale is facing embezzlement charges and he could go to prison for 14 years and be forced to pay a lot of money in fines, so he probably gave Holly something she can sell on eBay to pay her mortgage. That’s a nice thought. I still don’t believe it’s worth two million dollars, though. Holly needs to pull out her Lisa Frank magnifying glass (I know you’ve got one, ho), examine the inside of the band and try to tell me that the letters “QVC” aren’t on it.
That ring does look like Holly’s kind of ring, though. It looks like a menstrual berry out of a Care Bear’s twat. It looks like an oozing growth stuck to Liberace’s taint. Hmm….since I put it that way, I love it!
So What Did Holly Madison Name Her Daughter? (Hint: It Was Probably Your Nickname During Your Raver Days)
Holly Madison should’ve swallowed her entire supply of placenta pills before naming her daughter, because maybe those placenta pills would’ve cleared the cotton candy dust and unicorn farts from her head. Holly tells E! that she and her dude Pasquale Rotella have named their newborn baby girl (tip: you better take some E and blast some trance music into your ears if you really want to feel the name):
RAINBOW AURORA ROTELLA!
Oh wait, that doesn’t seem right. Let me try that again. Holly and Pasquale named their daughter:
RAINBOW AURORA ROTELLA!
There that’s how her name was meant to be typed. So yeah, Holly tells E! that she named her daughter Rainbow Aurora, because there was a girl in her school named Rainbow and she always loved that name. This makes since Holly went to Care Bear Academy. Holly probably gave her kid the middle name Aurora, because Aurora is her favorite Disney princess.
Naming your kid Rainbow Aurora is only okay if you gave birth to a My Little Pony or if you really want your daughter to grow up to be a professional raver or a poodle groomer. Actually, since I put it that way, I think I like that messed up name. It speaks to me. It’s beyond gay and beyond gay is always good. Raise your glow sticks high, Rainbow Aurora.
Spending five years of her life rubbing Vaseline on Hugh Hefner’s chapped, dried powdered donut of a b-hole and spoon feeding him blended peaches while making choo choo noises will come in handy for 33-year-old Holly Madison (born name: Hollin Sue Cullen), because a fetus has moved into her baby-growing bag and she’ll pop it out in March. Hef’s ex-head colostomy bag changer tells UsWeekly that she and her 38-year-old piece of only 9 months, Pasquale Rotella, are having a kid together and when her baby is born, she’ll be reminded about what her original face looked like. Holly, who’s currently twerking her Tupperware titty bowls in the Las Vegas show Peepshow, said this about being knocked up:
“I’ve always wanted to be a mom. But I thought it would take longer! I’ve been lucky! No morning sickness, but I do get a little nauseous. It happens before my show, so I keep ginger ale backstage.”
When Holly was with Hef, she’d wait in that long line of plastic blonde whores waiting to take a quick ride on his rigor mortis dick and she’d pray that may just maybe, his last living sperm would wake up from its coma, dust itself off and somehow make its way out of his earthworm peen and into her baby making area. So Holly’s dreams of becoming somebody’s mother are finally coming true! And at first, it might be weird for Holly to burp a bag of wrinkles without it groping her chichi balls, but she’ll get used to it.
Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s former head Stepford nurse who was the only one who showed she truly cared about him by softly blowing on his raw colostomy hole before gently rubbing baby powder-scented Vaseline on it, has found a new career in giving Las Vegas audiences a dozen servings of her silicone chichi domes every night in Peepshow. Holly seems to think that she has the Mary Hart Legs of tits, because she has taken out a $1 million life insurance policy on her twin career makers.
Holly tells People that if anything happened to her silicone chest puffs, LIVES WOULD BE FORECLOSED UPON, THE BREAD LINE WOULD BE SHUT DOWN, CHILDREN WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEIR OWN FINGERS TO SURVIVE, BLONDE TODDLERS WOULD HAVE TO MOVE INTO THE PLAYBOY ORPHANAGE (oh, wait..), etc…. etc…. Holly explained it like this to People:
“I’ve heard about people getting body parts insured and I thought, why not?, because if anything happened to my boobs, I’d be out for a few months and I’d probably be out a million dollars. I thought I’d cover my assets. I think it’s kind of funny. I think they’re getting the credit they deserve. They’re my primary money makers right now.”
What does Holly think is going to happen to her tits? Are they going to move into the vacant space in her head when Carrot Top tries to motoroboat them? Since it’s obvious they can’t be near each other, is their civil war going to escalate to the point where one them completely quits the union and reinvents itself by getting a job as one of Hugh’s colostomy bags (yes, I brought it back to colostomy bags and you should never forgive me for this).
If anything does happen to Holly’s chichis, it will take 10 minutes for the Mattel factory workers to come out to her house and restore her natural beauty by bolting on a Barbie titty plate over her chest.
Besides, who thinks of Holly Madison when they think of tits?! Googling “national treasure breasts,” brings up the names Helen Mirren, Salma Hayek and Christina Hendricks, but Holly Madison does not make an appearance. I don’t think the serial number on her implant reads: PRICELESS PRECIOUS CARGO. Bitch, please. StuntQueenville, population: Holly Madison