There Is Too Much Information Floating Around About Bieber Sexytimes

I’ve never taken Justin Bieber seriously a day in his professional life. Like many, I spent the first part of his rise to stardom thinking he was Hilary Swank. I was introduced to the obsession plaguing young girls after a friend’s daughter came to a party at our house where she said my garlic bread was so good, she had Bieber AND garlic bread fever. I even threw my husband a Justin-themed party for his 33rd birthday as a joke because I’m a giant asshole like that.

I’ve always considered Justin’s face to be one only his mother, a million girls who don’t know better and the back bumper of my minivan could love, and now, thanks to Hookergate, my attention is being redirected to the nether Bieber-region as if there were a john’s hand pushing my head down toward it. Along with not being able to get behind his work, now I’m being forced to imagine him having sex, which I liken to being as awkward as my incestuous, lesbian dogs look when they’re trying to lick each other’s faces at the same time.

Critica.com did an interview with the unnamed Brazilian woman (via Guyism) who claims to have slept with Bieber for $500 and a ticket to his show.

“It was delicious. It was super delicious because not every day do you get to be with someone famous, especially someone like him. He’s a love of a man! A cutie patootie!”

When asked if he is well-endowed the woman simply responded that he was “average.”

Damn, Justin. If anybody has the right to judge dick it’s a professional, but it still has to sting that your $500 couldn’t even buy you “bigger than average”.

Now let’s turn our attention to Tatiana Neves, the woman who brought us the YouTube video of wittle Justin going nigh-nigh. After playing coy in an interview on Globo TV’s Fantastico, she turned around and told The Sun (via USWeekly) more details about her night with him.

“Take it from me, he’s well endowed — and very good in bed,” Neves is quoted as telling the Sun. “A man must know what to do to make me happy — Justin did all that and more.”

“It was one of the best moments in my life. It was marvelous and unforgettable,” she says. “He has quite a fit body and he looked great naked.”

No, no, no, wrong, NO, WRONG! “Delicious” was bad enough. “Marvelous” and making us picture his scrawny ass naked is unforgivable. Obviously, the money Tatiana received was enough for her lie her ass off about Justin’s skill set and equipment. No matter how many women slither out of the whore woodwork, I will never believe his shit doesn’t look like Franco’s thumb dick.

Here are some pictures of demure blossom Tati Neves looking like she’s ready for bible study class and not at all like she’s about to hit the ho stroll or French the friend she’s with for $20 while a bunch of horny men look on.

(Photo: Splash)