Here we go again. The last time we checked the pulse of the backwoods love affair between hillbilly moonshine princess Miley Cyrus and rich townie Patrick Schwarzenegger, it was moving slower than any song sung by Miley’s pappy Billy Ray Cyrus not named “Achy Breaky Heart” trying to climb the music charts. What I’m trying to get at is that sources claimed Patrick was slowly inching his way towards the door. But now TMZ says that things are so good between the two, they’re thinking about pulling out the good china (ie. the Dixie Ultra) and the good champagne (ie. Franzia White mixed with Sprite) and having themselves a wedding.
A “source” (Hollerin’ Hank down at the ol’ shouting tree who really needs to get his gossip facts straight) says that Miley and Patrick have been telling friends that they will get married someday. Miley has also been going out of her way to impress Patrick’s mom Maria Shriver, which means not dressing like an amateur stripper chipmunk on break from her morning shift at The Nut Hut, and learning how to speak talkin’ words gooder and more better.
The source also says that neither one is pushing the other to get serious, and the marriage feelings are mutual.
I know that whenever Miley and Patrick’s names pop up in the same breath as the words long-term and totally real, everyone starts kicking out imaginary chairs for which their publicists may take a seat, but I honestly could totally see these two getting married. Obviously it would be a messy shit-show that was the direct result of ripping dirty bong hits while standing too close to an open can of paint in a poorly-ventilated room…actually, now I’m starting to wonder how it hasn’t happened yet.
And the runner-up for Most Badass goes to TLC enthusiast Katy Perry, who is hiding behind that mess of face-obscuring purple hair. Sorry Katy, but a middle finger is still more badass than Manic Panic middle school mosh pit emo hair.
Both Katy Perry and No.1 badass Miley Cyrus were at something called the Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards last night to celebrate their designer friend and guy who sort of looks like a human eraser-topped pencil Jeremy Scott, who was being honored with an award. And of course, those two made sure to serve up tons of high school dropout-turned-full time mallrat fuckery, because FASHION. They were also joined by Rihanna and Kanye West, who looked just so thrilled to be there. For real! Look at that smile!
I bet that’s the same face Kanye makes when he gets a text from Kim that says “Sorry kurrent husbin, kant kum 2 Paris this weeknd. Maybe u kan do sumething with Riccardo instead?” Speaking of smiling, the photographer who caught Kanye grinning must have taken this picture from behind a potted plant or a group of models signing up for Leonardo DiCaprio’s next boat cruise, because according to Kanye, Kanye never smiles in photographs. During a speech at the Daily Front Row Fashion Thingy, Kanye told the audience:
“Back when I was working on Yeezus, I saw this book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile. When you see paintings in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”
They didn’t smile because it wouldn’t look as cool? Kanye, you dummy, people in old-ass castle paintings aren’t smiling because toilets weren’t invented yet and everything smelled like doo doo and people were dying from the super plague and nobody took showers. Hell, if that was my life, I wouldn’t be smiling either.
Here’s more from last night including Kanye NOT SMILING and Miley smiling all the goofy hillbilly smiles:
That might have been the most Billy Ray sentence I’ve ever written. According to TMZ, horny bag of hillbilly weed Miley Cyrus and her brother Braison (I. CAN. NOT. WITH. THAT. NAME) are keeping it in the family, dating-wise, by hooking up with another set of famous offspring. Billy Ray’s kid has been rubbing her greasy gopher bits on The Terminator’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger for the past couple of months, and I guess Miley told her younger brother Braison about all the good vittles they have at the Schwarzenegger house because he’s gone a-courtin’ Patrick’s older sister Christina.
TMZ says Cinnamon Braison Bread started seeing Christina about a month after Miley started hooking up with Patrick. They also spent New Year’s Eve together, which you know means shit is getting serious, because you always hang out with your bottom bitch on NYE. No word on how they celebrated, but he’s a Cyrus, so let’s just assume it involved a bonfire in a metal trash can and moonshine.
I’m not sure how Maria Shriver feels about two of her children hooking up with two of the Cyrus dirtpile kids, but I’m sure the Cyrus family is ecstatic that Miley and Kellogg’s Braison Bran have weaseled their way into high society. I bet Billy Ray Cyrus has already picked out his best cut-off shorts to wear when he goes swimmin’ in the cee-ment pond at the Kennedy Compound this summer. And back in his stable, Trace Cyrus is asking his sister and brother to put in a good word for him with one of Patrick and Christina’s horse-riding cousins.
The first time we saw horny human joint Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger, they were leaving Patrick’s apartment the morning after what many assumed was a night filled with Miley twerking her mudflaps against Patrick’s crotch and asking if he’d want to see her “sex mouse”. And now it looks like they’ve upgraded their relationship from We Might Be Fucking to Oh Yeah, We Fucking. Congrats, you two crazy kids!
Miley and Patrick decided to take their love public last night at a USC Trojans football game by taking selfies of themselves slobbering all over each other, and luckily a pap was there to catch the whole thing. That’s so great, because how many times have you tried to take a picture of you pretending to make out with your current fuck partner and thought “I really wish I had a picture of this from several different angles”? All the time, right? Not to mention that a college football game is the perfect place to announce to the world that you’re officially fucking, since there’s no more hallowed ground for horny crotch-bumping youngins than the jizz-sprayed bleachers of a football field.
And in case you’re wondering why a GED recipient from Billy Bob’s Backwoods Book Learnin’ Academy is wearing head-to-toe USC colors, it’s because Patrick went there. Then again, Miley could just be wearing it because she likes Trojans. “I also like LifeStyles and Durex and the ones which you gets from the gas station vending machines that taste like strawberry! Thems mah favorite!”
That feels a bit unfair, because at this point, isn’t nearly every semi-famous dude under 25 one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers? According to The Daily Mail and E! and a couple other sources who own a horny hillbilly radar machine, Herself the Elf’s glue-huffin’ trailer park cousin Miley Cyrus might be humping on Ah-nold Schwarzenegger’s hot aspiring pizza tycoon son Patrick. Get it girl! Get that sweet pizza dick!
Miley was seen leaving Patrick’s apartment on Friday, which we all know is the universal signal for “we done fucked”, but the love affair between Patrick and his backwoods lady love might have started waaay before that. In 2011, Patrick – who was dating Tater Head’s sister Talluah Willis at the time – gave an interview to Details where he admitted that he had his eyes set on Miley (the actual quote was “My eye, though, is set on Miley“, which is definitely not super creepy at all). Eventually they went on a couple dates after Patrick got Miley’s number from Selena Gomez, but nothing really ever came of it. Patrick then went on to tongue-fuck Tay Tay Swift during her Kennedy Family phase and date a trick named Tootsie, while Miley continued to be in a long-term relationship with weed. The fate intervened and was like “You two sluts should hook up again“, and here we are.
Tay Tay used to spend many a night wishing on a star like a skinny blond Fievel Mousekewitz to land a Kennedy man (or at the very least, something Kennedy-adjacent), so I would love to know what she thinks about Miss Moonshine moving in on her turf. If she’s anything like me, she probably can’t wait to see if this lasts long enough for Miley to make a summer trip to the Kennedy Compound. I would do ANYTHING to see the hillbilly stripper chipmunk all gussied up in her best seersucker thong and popping her pussy on the mast of a sail boat.
Seen here looking like a Hugga Bunch hitting puberty and rolling hard after trading hugs for bath salts, Miley Cyrus attended a super-secret party thrown by fashion designer Alexander Wang this weekend and as per usual she was in top amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk form. I guess the dress code was “DRUGZ”, because Miley showed up wearing nothing but black leggings and pasties covering her backwoods nipple jerky. Oh, and a pair of sunglasses covered in pills and a pair of weed earrings, because why the hell not. Pills and weed? PAAAR-TAAAAY.
But just like the old saying goes: “You’re never fully dressed without a smile“, Miley made sure to accessorize her look with a beautiful high-as-fuck smile. Miley looks so stoned, I bet the she thought that dude she was standing beside was Prince. And that Prince-looking dude looks so high, I bet he was convinced he WAS Prince. He probably got up this morning and went door-to-door with a bunch of copies of The Watchtower asking people if they had time to talk about Jesus Christ.
Thankfully Miley managed to keep her pasties firmly affixed to her chipmunk nips, because nobody wants to see a topless tweaker. But she did try to tongue-fuck the host, because even though she’s dressed modestly don’t mean she ain’t not a raunchy horn-horn rodent, y’all!
Here’s more of Miley arriving at her hotel before the party and wearing actual clothes, as well as Miley on her way to Alexander Wang’s party. My say something nice is that Miley reminds me of this crazy blonde raver in my 11th grade science class who tried to get high by burning clumps of her hair over a bunsen burner and breathing in the smoke. I wonder what she’s up to now? Yeah, maybe it’s best if I don’t know.