If I were to guess how Miley Cyrus spent her New Year’s Eve, I’d say she probably rang in the new year by doing topless shots of moonshine off a stoned alien’s bare ass while a glitter-covered Wayne Coyne played a trippy version of ABBA’s “Happy New Year” on an analog synthesizer. But apparently I’d be way off.
According to People and TMZ and everyone who witnessed it in real life and had to check what year it was (“Did I go back in time to 2012?“), Miley Cyrus spent New Years with her former-fiancé Liam Hemsworth. Yes, the picture above that looks like it was shot by Bob Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson is of Miley and Liam hanging out in Australia. Australia! You know the dick is good when you’re willing to put up with the non-stop asshole cramps you’ll get during a 15-hour flight to Australia.
It sounds like it wasn’t just two friends hanging out, either. Sources tell The Daily Telegraph that the Hillbilly Weed Princess and Thor’s brother were seen “cuddling and kissing” at a music festival on Sunday night. Miley was also at the Hemsworth brother’s Wild West-themed New Year’s Eve party (something that has made a bunch of people shout “Thor, NO!” on the internet).
When people where whispering back in April that Miley was rubbing her chicken n’ dumplings on Liam’s didgeridoo again, I was like “Uh huh, sure.” But it might actually be true this time. After all, it sort of makes sense. Miley and Liam have been broken up for almost three years, which is definitely long enough to grow, reflect, experiment, get your slut on, and return back with a clear head and a properly broken-in crotch. It also provided Liam with many relationship discoveries. “Miley, I thought it was gross when you’d lean in for a kiss and accidentally rip a pizza burp in my face. Then I realized you’re not the only one, and I’m ready to accept it.”
Just a helpful production note for anyone who is planning on recording a menacing video message for their enemies any time in the near future: it’s difficult to appear tough when it looks like you’re filming in front of the Home Depot garden center.
Trace Cyrus, the Cousin Eddie to Miley’s Clark Griswold (technically I think they’re both the Cousin Eddie, but just go with me on this one) recently crawled out of the shallow end of gene pool and reminded us that he’s still a thing by threatening to fight other bands. That’s right. If you’re in a band and you’ve been talking shit about Trace Cyrus’ band, he WILL kick your ass…but only if you agree to sign a lengthy waiver promising that you will not sue him.
Genderqueer hillbilly rodent philosopher Miley Cyrus recently spoke with TIME magazine, and just like my hand in a Costco-sized bag of Doritos, Miley gets deep. Just like her interview with Paper magazine from last week, Miley has lots of thoughts about sex, gender, fucking, identity, and positive life thoughts. I’m not sure if Tish Cyrus ever cheated on Billy Ray in the early 90s with a motivational poster or Stuart Smalley, but it might explain all the good vibes coming out of her brain. Miley just wants you to be happy, y’all! Continue reading
That poor pig. I’m sure that when he left the farm all those years ago on a bus headed for the big city in hopes of becoming a pig model, he had no idea that one day he’d end up doing something so degrading as letting Miley Cyrus rub her nasty naked hillbilly bits against his body on the cover of a magazine. No, that’s actually not a poor pig who decided a check is a check. It’s actually Miley’s pet piggie Bubba Sue who decided to join her adopted mama on the cover of Paper magazine’s summer music issue. Fun fact: this marks the second time a giant ham has been on the cover of Paper magazine. The full interview comes out tomorrow, but they released this quote today:
“I was doing a show two nights ago, and I was wearing butterfly nipple pasties and butterfly wings. I’m standing there with my tits out, dressed like a butterfly. How the fuck is that fair? How am I so lucky?”
It’s true; Miley is lucky. There’s a chick who spins fire in the park near my house every Sunday in that exact same outfit, and her audience is limited to a dude with a set of devil sticks and a squirrel.
But back to that cover. Why do I get the feeling this wasn’t even what Paper had planned for the cover. I bet they probably had a giant bin of inflatable joints and a whole rack of gas station skank couture waiting for Miley to wear that they never got a chance to use because she showed up covered in mud with a pig under her arm and demanded to be shot as is. “Hey y’all, let’s git this picture shoot started, cause me and Bubba Sue got a monster truck rally at 3pm. The first 100 people in line get a free autograph on their titties from Count Truckula himself!“
But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?
According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.”
Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.
Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.“
Here we go again. The last time we checked the pulse of the backwoods love affair between hillbilly moonshine princess Miley Cyrus and rich townie Patrick Schwarzenegger, it was moving slower than any song sung by Miley’s pappy Billy Ray Cyrus not named “Achy Breaky Heart” trying to climb the music charts. What I’m trying to get at is that sources claimed Patrick was slowly inching his way towards the door. But now TMZ says that things are so good between the two, they’re thinking about pulling out the good china (ie. the Dixie Ultra) and the good champagne (ie. Franzia White mixed with Sprite) and having themselves a wedding.
A “source” (Hollerin’ Hank down at the ol’ shouting tree who really needs to get his gossip facts straight) says that Miley and Patrick have been telling friends that they will get married someday. Miley has also been going out of her way to impress Patrick’s mom Maria Shriver, which means not dressing like an amateur stripper chipmunk on break from her morning shift at The Nut Hut, and learning how to speak talkin’ words gooder and more better.
The source also says that neither one is pushing the other to get serious, and the marriage feelings are mutual.
I know that whenever Miley and Patrick’s names pop up in the same breath as the words long-term and totally real, everyone starts kicking out imaginary chairs for which their publicists may take a seat, but I honestly could totally see these two getting married. Obviously it would be a messy shit-show that was the direct result of ripping dirty bong hits while standing too close to an open can of paint in a poorly-ventilated room…actually, now I’m starting to wonder how it hasn’t happened yet.