As Jabba the Trump ate a fancy dinner with his rival-turned-ass kisser Mitt Romney (Note: In this picture of them, it looks like the laxatives Trump spiked in Mitt’s roasted crow cake just kicked in and Trump is fapping over the thought of it.), the reigning President of Pantsuits, Hillary Clinton, laughed to keep from crying (aren’t most of us?) while honoring Katy Perry at the 12th Annual UNICEF Snowflake Ball in NYC last night. Katy nearly campaigned her magnificent chichis off for HRC, but if I was HRC, I would’ve unfriended her ass as soon as she dressed up like a Hills Have Eyes version of me for Halloween.
As the KKK raised their torches of victory over their candidate of choice winning, and Chris Christie, the LeFou to Trump’s Gaston, pushed a wheelbarrow full of bricks to the American/Mexican border to begin building that wall, Hillary Clinton officially threw in the towel while wearing one of her favorite funeral goin’ pantsuits. Hillary didn’t speak at her depressing election night party at the Javits Center in NYC last night, because it was kind of hard for her to speak with her jaw being on the floor and everything. But she picked it up, got herself together, quickly re-worked her victory speech into an “awww shit” speech and delivered it in NYC today.
With 2016 being a never-ending violent diarrhea night terror, we all should’ve know it was saving this Defcon fuckery for its grand finale. (Although, we’ve still got around 2 months of this piece of trash year left…) Oh, 2016, you’re so cliché in your terribleness. I hit the snooze button so much this morning on my iPhone that I’m surprised Siri didn’t get pissed and scream, “Bitch, I’m sick of you poking at me, so just stay in bed, you lazy ass.” Every time my alarm went off, I hit snooze, looked at Twitter to see if maybe an oops was made and Jabba the Trump lost, and then I’d sigh and pull the sheets over my head again. But it’s real. And while the stocks dropped (for a minute) like my stomach when it was announced that Florida committed the ultimate act of Florida foolery by giving it to Trump, the makers of Xanax and Valium are probably going to have the best quarter ever. Congratulations to them!
Amidst a week of even more negative revelations on both sides of the presidential election aisle (we’ll get to those in a moment), Saturday Night Live put on their final Donald Trump/Hillary Clinton cold open before election day on Tuesday. It was a little different than the usual “Trump is repugnant and clueless” and “Hillary is way desperate and thirsty” schtick.
Observer reported that Dave Chappelle performed an hour-long set at the Cutting Room in NYC on Friday night which reportedly consisted of him hatin’ on Hillary Clinton and lovin’ him some Donald Trump. Remember when Dave allegedly went insane and forced a commercial airliner to make an emergency landing? Me, too.
Since this has landed in my inbox and passed my eyes more than LinkedIn requests, here it is to obliterate your memory of Dirty Dancing too!
That shitty TV series from 1988 didn’t totally ruin the memory of Dirty Dancing. Neither did Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, or that Dirty Dancing reality show, or the news about ABC’s remake starring Little Miss Sunshine. But this may have done it for me. The Dutch evil geniuses at LuckyTV did the devil’s work by mashing-up clips from the second presidential debate with (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life, sung by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. The result is a demonic masterpiece that made me go from “hahahahaha” to “whygodwhy” in 10 seconds. This mash-up put in me in the corner where I silently weeped over how every time I watch Dirty Dancing I’m going to think of the dehydrated dog lipstick known as Donald Trump creepily serenading Hillary Clinton. That dude at the 1:25 mark who tries to get up but can’t is me while watching this video. I tried to escape it but the immense amount of fuckery kept me in my seat until the end:
And let’s thank all the Gods that Lucky TV didn’t find a way to recreate the “Dirty Dancing” lift with Trump and Hillary. The sight of Jabba the Trump grabbing near her pussy area would put all of us in a coffin permanently.
I, for one, am in major need of a palate cleanser, so here’s one in the form of stunning pictures from the 1988 Grammys of Patrick Swayze and Liza Minnelli.