Husband of my favorite meme and Arthur the Aardvark stand-in John Legend had his Twitter hacked by a boisterous wit, who is right now probably being waterboarded by the IRS for using John’s twitter to threaten POTUS. The hacker also expressed a fantasy about Hillary Clinton, and noted the high quality of his drugs. Even John found most of this amusing, as relayed by Oh No They Didn’t and People.
Don’t expect to see an extremely familiar elder stateswoman in a glittery pantsuit busting out a lively fandango on season 456 of Dancing With The Ugh, This Show Is Still On?
Hillary Clinton has turned down an invitation to compete on the z-list celebrity tv dancing show. You have to wonder, did she laugh in that scary manner of hers when she got the call? Or was she totally insulted to be asked? Granted, she lost bigly, but only political lessers do DWTS!
As Jabba the Trump ate a fancy dinner with his rival-turned-ass kisser Mitt Romney (Note: In this picture of them, it looks like the laxatives Trump spiked in Mitt’s roasted crow cake just kicked in and Trump is fapping over the thought of it.), the reigning President of Pantsuits, Hillary Clinton, laughed to keep from crying (aren’t most of us?) while honoring Katy Perry at the 12th Annual UNICEF Snowflake Ball in NYC last night. Katy nearly campaigned her magnificent chichis off for HRC, but if I was HRC, I would’ve unfriended her ass as soon as she dressed up like a Hills Have Eyes version of me for Halloween.
As the KKK raised their torches of victory over their candidate of choice winning, and Chris Christie, the LeFou to Trump’s Gaston, pushed a wheelbarrow full of bricks to the American/Mexican border to begin building that wall, Hillary Clinton officially threw in the towel while wearing one of her favorite funeral goin’ pantsuits. Hillary didn’t speak at her depressing election night party at the Javits Center in NYC last night, because it was kind of hard for her to speak with her jaw being on the floor and everything. But she picked it up, got herself together, quickly re-worked her victory speech into an “awww shit” speech and delivered it in NYC today.
With 2016 being a never-ending violent diarrhea night terror, we all should’ve know it was saving this Defcon fuckery for its grand finale. (Although, we’ve still got around 2 months of this piece of trash year left…) Oh, 2016, you’re so cliché in your terribleness. I hit the snooze button so much this morning on my iPhone that I’m surprised Siri didn’t get pissed and scream, “Bitch, I’m sick of you poking at me, so just stay in bed, you lazy ass.” Every time my alarm went off, I hit snooze, looked at Twitter to see if maybe an oops was made and Jabba the Trump lost, and then I’d sigh and pull the sheets over my head again. But it’s real. And while the stocks dropped (for a minute) like my stomach when it was announced that Florida committed the ultimate act of Florida foolery by giving it to Trump, the makers of Xanax and Valium are probably going to have the best quarter ever. Congratulations to them!
Amidst a week of even more negative revelations on both sides of the presidential election aisle (we’ll get to those in a moment), Saturday Night Live put on their final Donald Trump/Hillary Clinton cold open before election day on Tuesday. It was a little different than the usual “Trump is repugnant and clueless” and “Hillary is way desperate and thirsty” schtick.