How kind of her. People reports that Alec Baldwin‘s wife and unecessary public yoga poses activist Hilaria Baldwin wanted to help the rest of the moms out there who want to look way tight and all right after excreting a human being. Her idea? A lingerie selfie to “inspire feeding and exercising your body right!” Where you see a “selfie,” Hilarious sees a “selfless.” Or something. Girl, stop.
Hollywood is currently in the middle of a big, uncomfortable, but completely necessary, conversation about workplace sexual harassment and assault. Alec Baldwin was honored at the Paley Center for Media last night, and he did a little talking of his own by coming straight out and exposing his own sexist skeletons. I don’t know if he was trying to get ahead of any possible accusations or what. But I’m sure your publicist thanks you for being so open, Alec.
In my mind, that’s Hilaria Baldwin’s birthin’ pose and as she does it, Alec Baldwin stands on the other side of the delivery room waiting to catch their latest bundle of baby. Also in my mind, those two pooches are bracing themselves for a possible double yoga fart-queef attack.
58-year-old Alec Baldwin became somebody’s father for the fourth time yesterday. People says that in NYC last night, Alec’s second wife, 32-year-old Hilaria Baldwin, gave birth to a baby boy who I’m sure is already doing the one-handed tree pose in a crib.
1. Whenever I’m struggling to get through anything, I’m going to think of the lady making a “fuck my life” in that picture. If she can get through Hilaria Baldwin practically Sleeping Yogi-ing a queef into her face, I can get through almost anything.
2. I bet that’s the pose Hilaria was in when she and Alec Baldwin conceived their third kid. Hilaria did that pose while Alec jacked off above her with one hand and punched a paparazzo he paid with the other. It’s the only way he can get off.
The Queen of the Downward Look At Me Pose announced on Instagram today that a tiny yogi fetus is doing the child’s pose in her womb. 32-year-old Hilaria said that in a few months, 57-year-old Alec will once again get to cradle a little bundle of adorable while saying, “Aww, you little, rude, thoughtless pig, you.”
Ireland, Carmen, Rafael, Alec, and I are excited to share with you that we are going to have another addition to our family. A little boy coming this fall #366daysoflivingclearly #HilariaLCM
Ireland is, of course, Alec’s 20-year-old daughter with Kim Basinger. Rafael is Alec and Hilaria’s 8-month-old son and Carmen is their 2 1/2-year-old daughter. I know, three babies in three years. Either she’s really fertile from busting out yoga poses in all sorts of places for Instagram likes. Or he’s really fertile from choking out paps. Or both!
And this winter, I better see an Instagram picture of Hilaria standing on her head while holding one kid with her right hand and another kid with her left hand as her newborn son naps on top of her flexed foot. If I don’t see that, I will really question her skills. Here’s Hilarious and Alec at the NYC premiere of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot last week.
Note to fashion people in New York: You better make sure that you came out of a famous person’s vagina, or the vagina of a famous person’s wife, because that’s what it takes to get a front row seat at a fashion show these days. Anna Wintour is just thrilled.
Alec and Hilarious Baldwin’s son Rafael Baldwin was born just 3 months ago, but he already has his own tag on Getty, because he was front row at the Carmen Marc Valco show on Tuesday. Judging by that picture, Rafael is either already a true fashion critic and is pushing out his review of the show into his diaper or he’s thinking to himself, “The hell is this? This doesn’t look like my crib at all.” Because he doesn’t look amused at all. Sorry Rafael, but photo-ops don’t happen on their own. Such is the life of the baby of two thirst buckets. But Rafael still wasn’t the biggest baby at New York Fashion Week. That title will forever belong to Kanye West. Speaking of….
It’s a good thing Kim Kartrashian isn’t due to birth out her next accessory for a few months. Because if she was due now, she would’ve definitely topped Alec and Hilarious by birthing out her baby on the catwalk.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Participating in the lip-synch contest on Wiener Wednesdays in the Scientology Centre bathhouse finally paid off! While on The Tonight Show to promote Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise nearly cracked the Botox in his mouth area while mouthing the words to several songs during a lip-synch battle against Jimmy Fallon. The lip-synch battle was as spontaneous as a Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck photo-op. But who cares if Tommy Girl spent several days in a rehearsal studio with a choreographer and Beyonce’s lip-synch coach. It paid off, because he worked his mouth like a blow job queen 2 minutes before closing time at the glory hole. Tommy gave us performance, moves, face, emotion and hair flips while lip-synching to The Weeknd, Meatloaf and of course, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.” Serve it, Tommy!
As for Jimmy Fallon… Well…. I guess he tried. As soon as Tommy wrapped his fingers around that mic, Jimmy should’ve called it a night and sashayed away to the Interior Illusions Lounge to enjoy an Absolut cocktail. (I know the “Interior Illusions Lounge” is no more, but like Tommy and that mic, I’ll never let go.) Tommy easily won that battle and he did the boys in the Scientology Centre bathhouse proud!
And here’s Tom Cruise and his “Meg Ryan in Addicted to Love” hairstyle at the NYC premiere of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation. I also threw in pictures of Alec Baldwin, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg Me and Rebecca Ferguson.