Category: High Fashion
The 2022 SAG Awards Brought The Red Carpet Back To Awards Season
In this, our year of Fuck It, red carpets are back in full swing. You probably don’t remember last year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards since they were host-less, pre-taped and the nominees who bothered to dress up, did so from their backyards, on balconies, in front of white screens or, in Jared Leto’s case, standing on a bridge in what looks like Paris clutching a jewel-encrusted clam-shell looking like Fred from The Scooby Gang’s effete cousin who stopped eating carbs and tried to cover his Midwestern accent by pretending to be “European.” But this year, since COVID is but a mere memory, SAG busted out that dusty rug, hit it with a wet vac, and rolled that red carpet out so Jared could pose for the camera looking like Doc Holiday’s effete cousin who stopped eating carbs and tried to cover his Midwestern accent by pretending to be a 19th century “gentleman huckleberry farmer.”
What Pandemic Where? The Emmys Red Carpet Returns To Normalcy
What a difference a year makes! Last year’s lockdown Emmy Awards were a drab affair due to them taking place in the middle of a global pandemic. As you may recall, there was no red carpet, the stars dressed up and paraded around in their backyards instead, and the awards were hand delivered by a man in a Hazmat suit who spent the evening lurking in their driveways. But this year, the glamour and glitz is back! Sure, we’re still in the middle of a global pandemic, but fuck it! We all need a little razzle dazzle in our lives, and it’s totally worth the risk with results like The Crown‘s Emma Corrin here serving Guillermo del Toro Pale Man spookiness as The Handmaiden From The Black Lagoon (by Miu Miu).
Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck Kissed With Their Masks On At The Met Gala
Jennifer Lopez is probably never going to win that Oscar, and if she does, I hope it’s for something really stupid like a sequel to Jersey Girl called Jersey Woman. But she does deserve something special for all her hard work! JLo is out here working harder than a coal miner with 17 mouths to feed (or gig worker with 2 kids trying to make rent in 2021, adjusted for inflation). In the past couple of weeks alone, JLo has been to Italy TWICE and made an appearance at the MTV VMAs. Yet she still made time to thumb her nose at Ben Affleck’s ex-girlfriend Ana de Armas by recreating one of BenAna’s iconic pap stroll looks from the Spring 2020 COVID collection. Kissing with masks on. Thank god JLo has almost certainly gotten Ben to switch to a vape pen because I am forever haunted by those pictures of him smoking with his mask on. Because you know JLo’s not about to rub her moneymaker all over some dirty ashtray.
The Miss Universe National Costume Contest Got A Little Political This Year
With the demise of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, I had almost forgotten what high camp featuring feathers and fuckery was. But it’s alive and thriving at the Miss Universe pageant which will crown a new winner this weekend. Every Miss, from Earth to the farthest reaches of GN-z11 and back again, will be vying for the title of Miss Universe at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida on Sunday. Oh, who am I kidding? The game is so obviously rigged. An Earthing wins every fucking year. In fact, Earth was the only planet that bothered to send representatives to compete in the National Costume competition which was held earlier today. But let me tell you, Earth came to slay! Unfortunately, that’s kind of our thing.
This Year’s Met Gala Is Still Happening And Will Be Held In September
The Met Gala will return this year, like a golden fashion-phoenix from the germ-infested ashes of 2020 (see: above photo). Last year’s event (the theme was “time”) was obviously canceled cuz of the pandemic, and Billy Porter and Vogue’s at-home #MetGalaChallenge on Instagram just wasn’t the same. This year’s theme will be a celebration of American and American designers and will be co-hosted by poet Amanda Gorman and probably Tom Ford (he’s been approached). And no, that shit won’t be the first Monday in May like usual. The event’s been pushed to September 13, in the hopes that the world will be back to “normal” by then.
Is This (The New) Normal? Notable Looks From The Grammy Awards Red Carpet
Last night, Doja Cat stood in front of the iconic Grammy red carpet backdrop wearing a vomit-colored feather duster for a skirt and her titties hanging out of a motorcycle jacket unzipped to below her navel. The earth is healing. Yes, high fashion fuckery was once again afoot after a year of no-risk, half-assed, low stakes virtual awards ceremonies. This year’s Grammy Awards may have been an essentially meaningless ode to a troublesome industry, but short of receiving a COVID-19 vaccine, seeing a cum-stiffened sheet ghost rearing up to engulf Noah Cyrus from behind, was the only light at the end of the tunnel I needed to see.