Lance Bass‘ blonde tips are crisply burnt because of the fire raging inside of him this week. Lance desperately wanted to buy the Brady Bunch house which went on sale recently. Lance didn’t get it and he cried foul about a Shady Brady stealing it away from him. If you heard about Lance losing out on the house despite having a sizeable bid and smelled a conspiracy, your nose is on the nose!
If there is one thing we have learned in the last few months, it’s that Joanna Gaines is the Griselda Blanco of DIY and home renovation. When Joanna and Chip Gaines, her husband, announced last year they were quitting their HGTV show Flip or Flop, landfills across America wept wondering what might happen if Chip and Joanna weren’t around to pilfer through the dump for wood to reclaim. It quickly emerged that HGTV is kind of a cheapskate with talent, and the Gaineses wanted more moolah and a less restrictive boss since lighting those silos set them back some Benjis. While Joanna may be pious for an hour on Sundays, she shows the spirit of Kris Jenner lords over Waco for the rest of her week when it comes to making money. That theme now apparently extends to our legal system. Continue reading
A little over three long months ago, the loyal disciples of Chip and Joanna Gaines’ giant clocks cult cried magnolia scented tears into their Magnolia Market brand fake eucalyptus wreaths after the two announced that they were quitting their really fucking popular HGTV show Fixer Upper after 5 seasons. At the time, Chip and Joanna burped up an explanation saying that they’ve decided to end their show to focus more on their family. I took “focus more on their family” to mean that they’re going to focus on getting more $$$$ from a different network that will pay up to see them renovate a house the same damn way over and over again. But yesterday, the Gaines’ announced that she is carrying the newest member of their barn door army.
It’s Black Friday, where half of us were in line at Kohl’s at 5am and not above pushing an 86-year-old Memaw if it meant landing 2-for-$25 cashmere sweaters. In related news, it appears HGTV’s favorite born again shiplap evangelists Chip and Joanna Gaines might be getting their hands on more cold hard cash. Continue reading
Everyone panicked last month when it was announced that HGTV was about to drop its Waco rudder. Chip and Joanna Gaines said they were packing the shiplap into a U-Haul and driving off into the sunset to “catch our breath” at whatever goody-goody camp those two preach at in the off-season. But it appears that breath will be more than caught if someone comes along promising to add a few zeros to the Gaines’ joint checking account. Continue reading
Spin cycle classes, UGG stores and Starbucks all across middle America will be emptier than Chip Gaines’ head today, because all basic moms will be at home blasting a Sam Smith song from their Spotify playlist as hot tears fly out of their ducts as they clutch the giant clock they bought on sale at Magnolia Market. Because the King and Queen of Waco, Chip and Joanna Gaines, announced today that the fifth season of their extremely popular HGTV show, Fixer Upper, will be its last.