Fancy British actress and ass fan Helen Mirren has confirmed that she has been cast in the next installment of the illustrious Fast and the Furious franchise, Fast 8. Honestly, if you were to go back in time to 2001 and tell yourself that not only would there be eight Fast and the Furious movies, but that the eighth would have two Academy Award-winning actors on the call sheet, do you think Past You would believe Future You? Because I know Past Me would hiss “uh huh, right” before washing down my Olestra potato chips with a Pepsi Twist.
Helen broke the news during an interview with Elle magazine. She’s doing it because she likes cars and doing fun movies. That’s it! Helen likes to have fun and drive.
“I’m about to do Fast and Furious 8. But that’s for the fun of it. So maybe that’s what I want as well, some fun and some relevant, serious, important movies.
I’ve always rather loved driving. I said, ‘I’ll be in it, but only if I’m allowed to drive if I do drive in it.’ But we’ll see. We’ll see how it transpires. Film is a wonderful thing and it can be so many different things. I don’t want to turn my back on any of the different ways movies can be. I love the movies. I love going to the films. I like very serious films, I love foreign films, and I love big, fun movies–as long as they’re well made and they’ve got good scripts. That’s the most important thing.”
Good scripts? Helen, please. I’m pretty sure the script for Fast 8 is literally just the words “Vin Diesel grunts at The Rock for 137 minutes” written on the top of a Walmart receipt for AXE Bodyspray and condoms.
With that said, I’m 100% on board with Helen Mirren in Fast 8. She hasn’t specified who she’ll be playing or what her character is all about, so right now her role is anyone’s guess. Since she’s British, and Jason Statham (who is also in Fast 8) is British, I’m guessing that she’ll play either his hot wife, or hot mom. Or maybe his hot daughter? I know that makes literally no sense, but really, this is Fast and the Furious we’re talking about. As long as she jumps over something in her car, everything else is irrelevant.
Helen Mirren is no stranger to loving your body and shamelessly showing it off. And while she may have retired her naked nipples, she’s apparently still here for people who decide to proudly put their bodies out there. One of which is naked selfie enthusiast Kim Kardashian.
Dame Helen recently spoke to The Telegraph (via E! News) about being a sex symbol. Eventually she started talking about “shameless women” – ie. women who stopped giving a fuck about what other people think of them – and she gave a slow, dignified British clap to America’s most alive-looking mannequin. Or at least a slow clap for her ass. While most people scream “PUT IT AWAY!” every time they see a half-naked Kim, Helen is happy that she keeps putting her partially-deflated yoga ball butt out there, because it’s making people feel good about their not-small asses.
“I’m not into the Kardashians, it’s a phenomenon I just don’t find interesting, but – and this is the big word: B-U-T-T – it’s wonderful that you’re allowed to have a butt nowadays. Thanks to Madame Kardashian, and before her, J-Lo. We’re also allowed to have thighs now, which is great too. It’s very positive.”
Helen also gave a thumbs up to other “shameless and proud” celebs like Madonna, Chrissie Hynde, Joan Jett, and Bonnie Raitt.
No matter what you think of Kim and the rest of the Kardashians, Helen is right about them promoting positive body image. Before the Kardashians, butts only came in two sizes: big and small. Then the Kardashians kame along and changed that. Now we have a variety of popular butt options at our disposal: big, giant, huge, massive, and small planet-sized. And you can get them all in four-to-six visits to a plastic surgeon. Thank you, Kim Kardashian!
Here’s more of Helen from her shoot for The Telegraph, as well as some pictures of her looking like your church’s sexiest Sunday School teacher at a MoMA event last week.
Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.
I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.
Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.
Last night was the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. President Obama actually made the room, and me, laugh. Larry Wilmore didn’t. Donald Trump was a no show. And there were tons, TONS, of celebrities (and celebrity-adjacents) there. Celebrities love nothing more than being invited to fancy political things because, I imagine, they feel it makes them legitimate. “Well! Mr President Barack Obama thought I was worth his time,” I see some TV actress saying when doors get shut in her face at auditions for shows at about teens played by people in their late-30s. So let’s get down to who was there and what they wore.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to reflect upon the numerous jokes and humorous lines our departing President made last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. It was, of course, his last one and he and his team made sure that whoever follows, will have a tough act to follow, comedy wise – including the host for the night, Larry Wilmore, but more on that later. President Barack Obama not only addressed the upcoming election and everything surrounding it, he also got in some good ones about the celebrities that were there.
Helen Mirren Doesn’t Think It’s Fair That Everyone Is Shitting On The Academy Because Of #OscarsSoWhite
Oscar winner and the new face of Budweiser Dame Helen Mirren was asked to brain burp up her thoughts on the fact that the Oscar acting categories are filled with nothing but white people for the second year in a row. While talking to the UK’s Channel 4 News (via The Guardian), Helen says that she doesn’t think it’s fair that everyone is coming for the Academy because it’s not their fault that the voters would rather watch a movie where Matt Damon makes caca potatoes (pootatoes) on Mars than watch a movie about child soldiers in Africa.
“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”
Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.
For years, John Goodman has talked about his journey to SkinnyVille, and it all started when he gave up the sweet nectar in 2007. John once told David Letterman that he was 400 pounds at his biggest and thanks to putting healthier things in his mouth and exercising, the chunk has slowly melted off of his body and it keeps melting off. At last night’s premiere of Trumbo at the BFI London Film Festival, a bunch of people asked, “Harpo, who dis skinny woman?“, when a FUPA-less John Goodman strolled on by. A bunch of melodramatic people are saying shit like, “That’s not John Goodman!” I still see John Goodman.
I loved Dan Conner when he was fat and I love Dan Conner now. But since 2015 is the year when our favorites say and do some fucked-up shit, I’m not going to be too surprised if I hear that he lost the weight after he sacrificed a litter of kittens to the devil.
And here’s more of John Goodman with his co-stars Bryan Cranston and Dame Helen Mirren, who dressed up like a Who from Whoville going to a baby’s christening.
If you Google “Helen Mirren naked,” you’ll get dozens of real pictures of her magnificent chichis and nipples (and you’ll also get a bunch of not-so-real pictures of her getting boned by a twink). But well, those real pictures of Helen Mirren’s majestic tits are the last images we’ll have of her nipple knobs, because she says she’s officially done with on-screen nakedness. Helen Mirren’s nipples are now retired from performing in front of the cameras and they’re looking forward to spending their days getting day drunk on the front porch while yelling at brats on the lawn. Dame Helen tells Alan Cumming in the CBS interview series Remember That Time? (via Vanity Fair) that she never really wanted to show her chichis on camera, but she did it, because it’s not that big of a deal. But she’s done with that now and is letting her nipples live that retiree life:
I never wanted to do that, but I thought, “Pfft, does it really matter?” I don’t know, it seemed to be not a thing to get your knickers in a twist about. I was doing nude scenes from the first moment I started doing movies. It was the era. I guess it’s even more so now. When I did Caligula it was ‘shock horror,’ ‘triple X,’ ‘only in porn cinemas’ – now Game of Thrones is on at 8 o’clock at night, there it is, it is exactly what I did in Caligula. Basically every scene is sex, upfront.
That’s the good thing about getting old. You don’t have to do that sort of thing anymore. My pleasure pillows are purely for my husband now.
Well, the good news is that Tom Hiddleston is baring his ass in movies now, so that may help a little to fill the void left by Dame Helen’s glorious nipples. And the Oscars are shit and don’t do anything right, but hopefully they do something right next year by airing a special In Mammariam tribute to Dame Helen’s legendary (and retired) nips.
Pic: New York Magazine
Almost three years ago, human jewel Tim Curry had a major stroke that left him in a bad way. Since then, humanity has been asking “Where the hell is Tim Curry to show these bitches how it’s really done?” and I think I asked that question out loud while watching Christopher Walken in NBC’s Peter Pan Live! Tim Curry has been laying low and recovering with the help of physical therapy. At last night’s Actors Fund Tony Awards Viewing Party in Los Angeles, Tim Curry rolled onto the red carpet to receive a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to making ass lips pucker by swishing, swaying and serving pure talent in Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Worst Witch, etc… etc…
Tim, who’s my favorite age (69), still has to use a wheelchair to get around, but he told Los Angeles Magazine during an interview about his lifetime achievement award from the Actors Fund that he’s doing okay.
Since your stroke you have made limited public appearances. How are you doing and are you looking forward to the Actors Fund event?
I’m doing well and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve done a few benefits for the Actors Fund and I think it’s a marvelous organization. I hope not to have to use it.
How important is your sense of humor to you?
Vital. Absolutely vital. It’s not tough to maintain. It is just part of my DNA.
When I woke up this morning, I saw all these headlines about how Tim Curry was honored at the Tonys. I drunkenly watched every single second of the Tonys (because as a gay dude who once lived in NYC I like to play a game of “Oh Shit, My Friend Totally Blew That One Chorus Boy In A Gay Bar Bathroom” while watching it) and I didn’t remember Tim Curry showing up at all. I almost looked up information for the nearest AA group, because I obviously have a problem if booze ate my memory of seeing a legend like Tim Curry at the Tonys. But after injecting coffee directly into my brain, I realized he was at a Tony viewing party. Tim should’ve been at the actual Tonys, though. They should’ve cut that ship wreck of a Finding Neverland performance and let Tim sing a Rocky Horror/Annie/The Worst Witch/Spamalot medley as he descended from above in his wheelchair. That’s what the Tonys needed.
Here’s a few more pictures of Tim Curry at the Actors Fund Tony Viewing Party. I also threw in a million pictures from the actual Tonys of Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and other Broadway legends like Gigi Hadid, Ashley Greene and that model who got naked in a Robin Thicke video.