For the Jolie-Pitts, nothing puts the “f”s in “family fun” quite like “forced foto-ops” on the red carpet for a kids movie with mom. Angelina Jolie unplugged the X-Box mid-Fortnite Battle Royale and told all them kids to go put on their outside clothes for the Hollywood premiere of Tim Burton’s Dumbo. Here’s the twist: They had fun.
Well, well, well – here’s one big award Lady Gaga won’t be taking home this year (besides the Oscar). The Razzie nominations are here, and there’s nary a nod to A Star Is Born, Green Book, or Bohemian Rhapsody, all movies more worthy of scorn (according TO ME) than any of the 5 that a got a Worst Movie nomination. And the acting category is a real mind-bender with Donald and Melania Trump each being nominated for playing themselves in Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 11/9. Trump was even nominated a second time in Dinesh D’Souza’s Death of A Nation, also for playing himself. I mean, sure. But what are we really doing here?
For the first time in what felt like the Oscars 90-year history, the ceremony didn’t drag on over four hours. Last night they managed to keep it at 3 hours and 50 minutes (although, the ratings may have hit an all-time low). It may have come under four hours, because at the top of the show, Jimmy Kimmel announced that whatever winner gave the shortest acceptance speech would go home a Jet Ski!
Jimmy presented it convention center boat show-style with Helen Mirren showing it off. Helen should have gone home with her own special prize for suffering through all those inevitable “Hey mama, do you come with the Jet Ski?” jokes. Jimmy later doubled-down by adding in a trip to Lake Havasu, Arizona.
Actors and directors have a tendency to like attention and validation, and none of the winners last night had the self-control needed not to ramble on during their acceptance speech (Gary Oldman admitted as much). So it’s not really a surprise that the winner of the shortest acceptance speech went to a non-actor. Phantom Thread costume designer Mark Bridges had the shortest speech of the night, clocking in at 36 seconds.
Entertainment Weekly says there were official rules posted on monitors inside the Dolby Theater for the Kawasaki Jet Ski Ultra 310LX, valued at approximately $18,000. Mark rode out at the end of the ceremony on his lime green Jet Ski with Helen Mirren on the back. I doubt Mark even got the Jet Ski home. Oscar presenter and GTE (good times enthusiast) Matthew McConaughey was probably looking at that Jet Ski with saucer eyes, and cornered Mark backstage with an offer to take it off his hands.
Someone text Brie Larson and let her know she can make her hands slap together for every award winner this year. Jennifer Lawrence and Jodie Foster will be presenting the Best Actress statuette together this evening, according to Variety. Normally last year’s Best Actor winner handles that task. But last year’s Best Actor was alleged creep in a beard Casey Affleck and it’s #TimesUp for the handsy types. No one wants torches and pitchforks to take the stage at the Dolby Theatre. That should only happen if Meryl Streep wins because it IS possible for one woman to have too many accolades. Continue reading
In the immortal words of RuPaul, “two queens stand before me”.
Yesterday at Paris Fashion Week, Helen Mirren and Jane Fonda both proved that once a bad bitch, always a bad bitch by absolutely slaying it on the runway for L’Oreal Paris. Thankfully neither of these legends had to lip sync for their lives but they surely gave the assembled crowd life with their ferocity and grace.
Fancy British actress and ass fan Helen Mirren has confirmed that she has been cast in the next installment of the illustrious Fast and the Furious franchise, Fast 8. Honestly, if you were to go back in time to 2001 and tell yourself that not only would there be eight Fast and the Furious movies, but that the eighth would have two Academy Award-winning actors on the call sheet, do you think Past You would believe Future You? Because I know Past Me would hiss “uh huh, right” before washing down my Olestra potato chips with a Pepsi Twist.
Helen broke the news during an interview with Elle magazine. She’s doing it because she likes cars and doing fun movies. That’s it! Helen likes to have fun and drive.
“I’m about to do Fast and Furious 8. But that’s for the fun of it. So maybe that’s what I want as well, some fun and some relevant, serious, important movies.
I’ve always rather loved driving. I said, ‘I’ll be in it, but only if I’m allowed to drive if I do drive in it.’ But we’ll see. We’ll see how it transpires. Film is a wonderful thing and it can be so many different things. I don’t want to turn my back on any of the different ways movies can be. I love the movies. I love going to the films. I like very serious films, I love foreign films, and I love big, fun movies–as long as they’re well made and they’ve got good scripts. That’s the most important thing.”
Good scripts? Helen, please. I’m pretty sure the script for Fast 8 is literally just the words “Vin Diesel grunts at The Rock for 137 minutes” written on the top of a Walmart receipt for AXE Bodyspray and condoms.
With that said, I’m 100% on board with Helen Mirren in Fast 8. She hasn’t specified who she’ll be playing or what her character is all about, so right now her role is anyone’s guess. Since she’s British, and Jason Statham (who is also in Fast 8) is British, I’m guessing that she’ll play either his hot wife, or hot mom. Or maybe his hot daughter? I know that makes literally no sense, but really, this is Fast and the Furious we’re talking about. As long as she jumps over something in her car, everything else is irrelevant.