For the first time in what felt like the Oscars 90-year history, the ceremony didn’t drag on over four hours. Last night they managed to keep it at 3 hours and 50 minutes (although, the ratings may have hit an all-time low). It may have come under four hours, because at the top of the show, Jimmy Kimmel announced that whatever winner gave the shortest acceptance speech would go home a Jet Ski!
Jimmy presented it convention center boat show-style with Helen Mirren showing it off. Helen should have gone home with her own special prize for suffering through all those inevitable “Hey mama, do you come with the Jet Ski?” jokes. Jimmy later doubled-down by adding in a trip to Lake Havasu, Arizona.
Actors and directors have a tendency to like attention and validation, and none of the winners last night had the self-control needed not to ramble on during their acceptance speech (Gary Oldman admitted as much). So it’s not really a surprise that the winner of the shortest acceptance speech went to a non-actor. Phantom Thread costume designer Mark Bridges had the shortest speech of the night, clocking in at 36 seconds.
Entertainment Weekly says there were official rules posted on monitors inside the Dolby Theater for the Kawasaki Jet Ski Ultra 310LX, valued at approximately $18,000. Mark rode out at the end of the ceremony on his lime green Jet Ski with Helen Mirren on the back. I doubt Mark even got the Jet Ski home. Oscar presenter and GTE (good times enthusiast) Matthew McConaughey was probably looking at that Jet Ski with saucer eyes, and cornered Mark backstage with an offer to take it off his hands.
Someone text Brie Larson and let her know she can make her hands slap together for every award winner this year. Jennifer Lawrence and Jodie Foster will be presenting the Best Actress statuette together this evening, according to Variety. Normally last year’s Best Actor winner handles that task. But last year’s Best Actor was alleged creep in a beard Casey Affleck and it’s #TimesUp for the handsy types. No one wants torches and pitchforks to take the stage at the Dolby Theatre. That should only happen if Meryl Streep wins because it IS possible for one woman to have too many accolades. Continue reading
In the immortal words of RuPaul, “two queens stand before me”.
Yesterday at Paris Fashion Week, Helen Mirren and Jane Fonda both proved that once a bad bitch, always a bad bitch by absolutely slaying it on the runway for L’Oreal Paris. Thankfully neither of these legends had to lip sync for their lives but they surely gave the assembled crowd life with their ferocity and grace.
Fancy British actress and ass fan Helen Mirren has confirmed that she has been cast in the next installment of the illustrious Fast and the Furious franchise, Fast 8. Honestly, if you were to go back in time to 2001 and tell yourself that not only would there be eight Fast and the Furious movies, but that the eighth would have two Academy Award-winning actors on the call sheet, do you think Past You would believe Future You? Because I know Past Me would hiss “uh huh, right” before washing down my Olestra potato chips with a Pepsi Twist.
Helen broke the news during an interview with Elle magazine. She’s doing it because she likes cars and doing fun movies. That’s it! Helen likes to have fun and drive.
“I’m about to do Fast and Furious 8. But that’s for the fun of it. So maybe that’s what I want as well, some fun and some relevant, serious, important movies.
I’ve always rather loved driving. I said, ‘I’ll be in it, but only if I’m allowed to drive if I do drive in it.’ But we’ll see. We’ll see how it transpires. Film is a wonderful thing and it can be so many different things. I don’t want to turn my back on any of the different ways movies can be. I love the movies. I love going to the films. I like very serious films, I love foreign films, and I love big, fun movies–as long as they’re well made and they’ve got good scripts. That’s the most important thing.”
Good scripts? Helen, please. I’m pretty sure the script for Fast 8 is literally just the words “Vin Diesel grunts at The Rock for 137 minutes” written on the top of a Walmart receipt for AXE Bodyspray and condoms.
With that said, I’m 100% on board with Helen Mirren in Fast 8. She hasn’t specified who she’ll be playing or what her character is all about, so right now her role is anyone’s guess. Since she’s British, and Jason Statham (who is also in Fast 8) is British, I’m guessing that she’ll play either his hot wife, or hot mom. Or maybe his hot daughter? I know that makes literally no sense, but really, this is Fast and the Furious we’re talking about. As long as she jumps over something in her car, everything else is irrelevant.
Helen Mirren is no stranger to loving your body and shamelessly showing it off. And while she may have retired her naked nipples, she’s apparently still here for people who decide to proudly put their bodies out there. One of which is naked selfie enthusiast Kim Kardashian.
Dame Helen recently spoke to The Telegraph (via E! News) about being a sex symbol. Eventually she started talking about “shameless women” – ie. women who stopped giving a fuck about what other people think of them – and she gave a slow, dignified British clap to America’s most alive-looking mannequin. Or at least a slow clap for her ass. While most people scream “PUT IT AWAY!” every time they see a half-naked Kim, Helen is happy that she keeps putting her partially-deflated yoga ball butt out there, because it’s making people feel good about their not-small asses.
“I’m not into the Kardashians, it’s a phenomenon I just don’t find interesting, but – and this is the big word: B-U-T-T – it’s wonderful that you’re allowed to have a butt nowadays. Thanks to Madame Kardashian, and before her, J-Lo. We’re also allowed to have thighs now, which is great too. It’s very positive.”
Helen also gave a thumbs up to other “shameless and proud” celebs like Madonna, Chrissie Hynde, Joan Jett, and Bonnie Raitt.
No matter what you think of Kim and the rest of the Kardashians, Helen is right about them promoting positive body image. Before the Kardashians, butts only came in two sizes: big and small. Then the Kardashians kame along and changed that. Now we have a variety of popular butt options at our disposal: big, giant, huge, massive, and small planet-sized. And you can get them all in four-to-six visits to a plastic surgeon. Thank you, Kim Kardashian!
Here’s more of Helen from her shoot for The Telegraph, as well as some pictures of her looking like your church’s sexiest Sunday School teacher at a MoMA event last week.
Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.
I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.
Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.