Is it 2009, you may be asking yourself after reading that post title? No, but who doesn’t love a semi-celebrity social media war? Especially if it’s a broken down former reality television star sparring with his sister. Wait, Spencer Pratt has a sister? I knew I should have paid more attention to The Hills. Stephanie Pratt, 31, had a social media conniption on Friday and it would appear to be directed at her TV whore brother Spencer, 33. Spencer and his polyurethane-titted wife, Heidi Montag, are known for their extreme fame-whoring. Stephanie seems wrought over something smug asshole Spencer did and needed everyone to know.
More like, “Another UsWeekly Cover At Last!”
Ceiling Eyes, Kristin Cavallari, Holly Montag and Stacie the Bartender already have kids. Lauren Conrad currently has a baby in her womb. So does the unseasoned sliver of soggy celery stalk who worked at Teen Vogue. And now it’s Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s turn to spawn! The Hills are alive with the sound of pregnancy farts. It’s as if MTV paid them all to have children around the same time, because in 20 years, all of those kids can be cast members on The Hills reboot called The Flats. MTV will have to call it The Flats since erosion will eat the Hollywood Hills by then.
Lifetime, television for train wrecks and their admirers, really reached deep up into the universe (read: reached down deep into the bottom of the barrel) and pulled out the brightest stars (read: whoever was desperate enough for a check) for their newest reality show masterpiece The Mother/Daughter Experiment: Celebrity Edition, which starts on March 1st. This mess has become the latest show to completely change the meaning of “celebrity.”
Lifetime has also stolen Vh1’s schtick by pretending like they’ve made a serious show about therapy and healing when they really just made a show about a bunch of crazy bitches fighting with each other while locked up in a house.
This mess stars an all-star cast including Heidi Montag, Courtney Stodden, Shar Jackson, Jessica Canseco, Natalie Nunn (aka the daughter of Mac Tonight who was in the Bad Girls Club) and Kim Richards (who probably shouldn’t be doing another reality shit show, but whatever). A therapist named Dr. Debbie tries to fix their fucked-up relationship with their mother or daughter. But we all know that they’re really there to bring the fake drama for the cameras.
They probably got a bonus for every tear they pushed out of their overly Botoxed faces, because there’s a lot of Botox tears in this trailer:
That show is trashy, gross, an embarrassment to humanity and I will watch every episode twice. And I’m surprised Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah aren’t in this. I mean, they’re apparently back to hating each other. Lifetime probably couldn’t afford LiLo’s usual out-call day rate.
If you’re wondering what Spencer Pratt has been up to lately (I’ll wait while you search high and low for that fuck your mom gave you for your birthday last year), the half of the collective asshole formerly known as Speidi made up of 99.99% less silicone and with a 47% more punchable face has been getting his learn on at USC.
“I’m done with classes,” he tells Us Weekly exclusively. “I still have one final, Spanish 3, but thankfully I have two weeks to study for it. My degree is going to be in political science.”
More like Poly Sigh since NOBODY asked. He also tweeted: “Today was my last day of College @USC! Best 10 years of my life! #Trojans”, breathing some life into the Clooney side of the “celebrities on Twitter are morons” debate. When asked by US Weekly why it took him so long to graduate, Spencer took a quick second to yank out his anal beads or Heidi Montag‘s old implants or whatever the hell he shoves up there to let his mouth do the talking once in a while and talked out of his ass, saying he was too busy “being famous” and he should “probably have a doctorate or two” by now.
Spencer should have used the last ten years of his life studying finance because InTouch says he and Heidi managed to blow through $10 million in four years. They spent $100,000/month maintaining Heidi’s Japanese hump doll look, $10,000/week at restaurants and $2.5 million on Heidi’s album that anybody with ears could have told them wouldn’t have gotten off the ground with pulleys, industrial hydraulics and a prayer. He also compared himself and Heidi to Jay-Z and Beyoncé and I think we can just let Bey take this one.
A Check Is A Check: Heidi Montag Invites Entertainment Tonight To Film Her Most Recent Plastic Surgery
I didn’t think we’d still be writing about Heidi Montag in 2013 either, but here we are. According to HuffPo, the former reality star and come-to-life RealDoll has gone under the knife again, but this time to take her elementary school dodgeball chichis down from a size F to a size D. Heidi cites ‘health reasons’ for her trip to the ER, so I feel like it would be really shitty of me to make fun of someone who isn’t putting on the paper gown for funnies. So I won’t. What’s not off-limits, however, is the fact that she invited Brooke Anderson and Entertainment Tonight to film the whole thing. Doctor, you might want to check Heidi’s fame-hongray-ho levels; they seem to have risen again.
— Brooke Anderson (@BrookeAnderson) October 31, 2013
Back in 2010, Heidi had to go hard in order to distinguish herself from the other bowls of cold oatmeal on The Hills. Lauren Conrad was writing books. Whitney Port was making clothes. Audrina Patridge was staring aggressively at the ceiling. After hooking up with that ghost-bearded asshole and failing to gain any footing as a parody artist (wait, this was for real? Oh fuck, that’s a bummer), she did what any of us would do; she spent all her money on multiple surgical augmentations that would render her completely unrecognizable and forever uncomfortable. That only kept us entertained for a month or so, and suddenly, like Keyser Söze, she vanished (but by that time we had the Kardashians, so we barely noticed she was gone).
Heidi clearly misses the attention; why else would you invite a camera crew to videotape the intimate moments between Plastic Surgeon and Patient’s silicone titty sacks? Oh, right. Money. When you blow 10-million on stuff n’ things, have to move back in with your parents, and working the night shift at TARGET gives you the dry heaves, then of course you would call up Entertainment Tonight and ask them: “Wanna watch me get new boobies? It’ll only cost ya $1000”. Look, I don’t know how much she’s getting paid by Entertainment Tonight, but you know it cannot be much more than $1000. Ugh. That’s what we call a sobering thought.
Oh brother. Stories like this should be taught as a college-level course to bright-eyed kids who dream of moving out to Hollywood. If you become famous (and you might, if you let the right famous brother pee on you) you need to remember that in the grand scheme of things, you ain’t shit. One day you might find yourself followed by 24 paparazzi trying to get a picture of you putting change in your meter on Melrose, but 3 months later you could be begging TMZ to appear at the ribbon-cutting ceremony you’re hosting at a Ross Dress for Less in Glendale (if you’re lucky. Don’t think you’ll be above a Del Taco grand opening in Arcadia).
(Pic via Wenn)
I know you can’t resist the urge, so I’ll wait here as you throw a sugar cub at the screen.
One time when I went horseback riding in Ensenada, Mexico, one of the tourists riding next to me said something super cheesy like, “A horse is an angel without wings.” I never agreed with saying until I saw these pictures of the ethereal Heidi Montag making a comeback to the spotlight the way all A-list superstars make a comeback to the spotlight: by hosting an anniversary party for a Las Vegas strip club.
Ever since Heidi Montag’s Emmy-winning reality show Famous Food ended last year, I’m sure you’ve been wondering what she and her mutant tampon of a husband have been up to (no, you haven’t). Well, most of us figured that she’s been keeping busy by working the 7am to 11am shift on Mondays and Wednesdays at the Spearmint Rhino strip club in City of Industry, CA, but nope. The real-life Tawny Horse tells UsWeekly that she’s been keeping busy by working out, helping Spencer Pratt get his poly-sci degree from USC (????) and working on her memoirs. The part of Heidi’s brain that knew how to read and write was lipo’ed out by her plastic surgeon (RIP!), because fat brains are gross (ewww!), so she’s writing her memoirs in stick figure form only. It could take a while.
Since Heidi and Spencer wasted all the millions they made on dumb as shit decisions, they’re currently living in his parent’s house. On Friday nights, Heidi is usually cleaning the toilets and windows in the Pratt house in exchange for room and board, but they gave her the night off so she could make a long-awaited appearance at the Las Vegas strip club named after her, Crazy Horse III.
Thank the plastic Gods for that, because look at all the equine elegance she served up.