Before Sunday, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt might have been colloquially known as Fame Whores 1 and 2, or those desperate blondes from The Hills who won’t ever go away. But from here on out, they’re…well, they’re still all those things, but now they’re also Mommy and Daddy.
And those are his words, not mine. Although let’s face it, there’s no way a baby born to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt won’t bust out of the womb with a thirst for fame. It’s going to open its tiny baby eyes and make eye contact with the first camera it sees, like “Okay, get at least sixty of my left side, and then once the nurse wipes the rest of amniotic fluid off, sixty of my right.” And Heidi and Spencer are ready!
Is it 2009, you may be asking yourself after reading that post title? No, but who doesn’t love a semi-celebrity social media war? Especially if it’s a broken down former reality television star sparring with his sister. Wait, Spencer Pratt has a sister? I knew I should have paid more attention to The Hills. Stephanie Pratt, 31, had a social media conniption on Friday and it would appear to be directed at her TV whore brother Spencer, 33. Spencer and his polyurethane-titted wife, Heidi Montag, are known for their extreme fame-whoring. Stephanie seems wrought over something smug asshole Spencer did and needed everyone to know.
More like, “Another UsWeekly Cover At Last!”
Ceiling Eyes, Kristin Cavallari, Holly Montag and Stacie the Bartender already have kids. Lauren Conrad currently has a baby in her womb. So does the unseasoned sliver of soggy celery stalk who worked at Teen Vogue. And now it’s Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s turn to spawn! The Hills are alive with the sound of pregnancy farts. It’s as if MTV paid them all to have children around the same time, because in 20 years, all of those kids can be cast members on The Hills reboot called The Flats. MTV will have to call it The Flats since erosion will eat the Hollywood Hills by then.
Lifetime, television for train wrecks and their admirers, really reached deep up into the universe (read: reached down deep into the bottom of the barrel) and pulled out the brightest stars (read: whoever was desperate enough for a check) for their newest reality show masterpiece The Mother/Daughter Experiment: Celebrity Edition, which starts on March 1st. This mess has become the latest show to completely change the meaning of “celebrity.”
Lifetime has also stolen Vh1’s schtick by pretending like they’ve made a serious show about therapy and healing when they really just made a show about a bunch of crazy bitches fighting with each other while locked up in a house.
This mess stars an all-star cast including Heidi Montag, Courtney Stodden, Shar Jackson, Jessica Canseco, Natalie Nunn (aka the daughter of Mac Tonight who was in the Bad Girls Club) and Kim Richards (who probably shouldn’t be doing another reality shit show, but whatever). A therapist named Dr. Debbie tries to fix their fucked-up relationship with their mother or daughter. But we all know that they’re really there to bring the fake drama for the cameras.
They probably got a bonus for every tear they pushed out of their overly Botoxed faces, because there’s a lot of Botox tears in this trailer:
That show is trashy, gross, an embarrassment to humanity and I will watch every episode twice. And I’m surprised Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah aren’t in this. I mean, they’re apparently back to hating each other. Lifetime probably couldn’t afford LiLo’s usual out-call day rate.
If you’re wondering what Spencer Pratt has been up to lately (I’ll wait while you search high and low for that fuck your mom gave you for your birthday last year), the half of the collective asshole formerly known as Speidi made up of 99.99% less silicone and with a 47% more punchable face has been getting his learn on at USC.
“I’m done with classes,” he tells Us Weekly exclusively. “I still have one final, Spanish 3, but thankfully I have two weeks to study for it. My degree is going to be in political science.”
More like Poly Sigh since NOBODY asked. He also tweeted: “Today was my last day of College @USC! Best 10 years of my life! #Trojans”, breathing some life into the Clooney side of the “celebrities on Twitter are morons” debate. When asked by US Weekly why it took him so long to graduate, Spencer took a quick second to yank out his anal beads or Heidi Montag‘s old implants or whatever the hell he shoves up there to let his mouth do the talking once in a while and talked out of his ass, saying he was too busy “being famous” and he should “probably have a doctorate or two” by now.
Spencer should have used the last ten years of his life studying finance because InTouch says he and Heidi managed to blow through $10 million in four years. They spent $100,000/month maintaining Heidi’s Japanese hump doll look, $10,000/week at restaurants and $2.5 million on Heidi’s album that anybody with ears could have told them wouldn’t have gotten off the ground with pulleys, industrial hydraulics and a prayer. He also compared himself and Heidi to Jay-Z and Beyoncé and I think we can just let Bey take this one.