In news that’d turn your world upside down if the year was 1993 (it still wouldn’t), Radar claims they have gotten a hold of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss’ little red Gucci planner from over 20 years ago and in it are the names of some of the rich dudes who may have leased high-class coochie from her back in the day. Okay, Radar didn’t exactly get a hold of it. They say they saw pages from it through various sources. So that means that either their sources took pictures of it or Radar has the power to possess a source’s body. It’s definitely the second one.
One of the sources tell Radar when the full list of names and the kinky shit they’re into comes out, it’s going to send a shock of wave “SANTO DIOS!” through the planet. The world as we know it will never be the same again!
“It is beyond shocking! When the full list of these names get around, it’s going to cause a sensation — as well as the beginning of the end for many a celebrity’s career!”
If you’re at work, you should get some duct tape and tape down your clothes to your body, because reading this shocking list of names will cause your pants to rip off of you and that will just be embarrassing. Radar also wants to make it clear that just because these names were in Heidi’s book, doesn’t mean they used her poon-renting services. I’m not going to include Charlie Sheen’s name, because DUH. Get ready to fall out of yourself:
An 80s’ Brat Packer who loved to suck on sweaty toes!
I know, Johnny Depp, Hugh Hefner and Sean Penn’s reputations have been as pristine as a virgin unicorn’s vagine up until this point. Finding out that they paid for a hooker decades ago will definitely destroy them. RIP their careers! But really, what I want to see is the notes of what these johns were into. Like, did George Lucas make his hooker wear a Chewbacca mask (that Chewbacca mom video is his porn)? Did Nicolas Cage make his hooker peg him with an Ice Age era dildo that was found in a cave in Germany and sold at auction for $650,000? No, I bet Nicolas Cage is into some really kinky S&M shit like making his hooker cuddle with him while watching Ghost Rider.
Three days ago, a stork built a nest on top of Heather Morris’ garage and that means it’s getting ready to bring her a baby. UsWeekly says that 26-year-old Heather Morris has a 3-month-old fetus friend growing in her womb and she made it with her high school sweetheart turned grown-up boyfriend Taylor Hubbell. A source says that Heather and Taylor didn’t plan for her to come down with a case of the BABIES!!, which means either the condom broke, she bought her birth control pills off the Internet or she really doesn’t know that a baby is made when a sperm fish swims out of a dude’s peen and shoves itself into a lady egg.
“She’s a little more than three months along and starting to show,” the source says of the Scottsdale, Ariz. The dad-to-be is the star’s longtime boyfriend Taylor Hubbell, whom she met in high school.
“It was totally unexpected, but they are incredibly happy and excited,” the source tells Us.
Although a second pal says the pair have no plans to wed just yet, a march down the aisle might not be far off. Says the source: “I see it in their future.”
Finn from Glee went to rehab and it got him a blurb in People Magazine. Brittany got knocked up and it got her a blurb in UsWeekly. So that means that right now Lea Michele is getting it on with a turkey baster and a meth pipe, because next week’s covers of UsWeekly and People are HERS!!!!!
Out of all the cast members from Glee, I’d figure that Lea Michele would be the one to announce that she’s checking herself into rehab on a Sunday night since she’s always high on herself. But no, Lea’s real-life and TV boyfriend Cory Monteith checked into rehab and last night he released a statement through his rep to People saying that he needs to press pause on everything else and deal with a substance addiction right now.
“Cory Monteith has voluntarily admitted himself into a treatment facility for substance addiction. He graciously asks for your respect and privacy as he takes the necessary steps towards recovery.”
30-year-old Cory (I know, I didn’t know he was 30 either. He’s the Gabrielle Carteris of Glee) first went to rehab when he was 19 after his family staged an intervention. Cory said before that he was addicted to booze and pretty much snorted and smoked everything else. When Cory got out of rehab the first time, he went straight back to the bottle and kept drinking until he got caught stealing a bunch of money from a relative. That was the bottom under Cory’s rock bottom and after that, he cleaned up, got a job as a roofer, took acting classes and now he’s on Glee.
A quick minute after Cory released his statement, Lea released her own, “I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this. I am grateful and proud he made this decision.”
And I don’t know if Cory’s going to feel weird or relieved when he’s in rehab and realizes that not everybody around him is suddenly breaking into song and changing costumes. It’s probably going to make him feel weird. This is why we need all-singing rehab.
Seen here on the Glee set today looking like Gollum’s cig-addicted mother who works at the last truck stop before Mordor, Lindsay Lohan’s pristine reputation as a responsible, hard-working, polite and pleasant employee remains non-existent! LiLo worked on the Glee set for a total of 3 days (counting today) and so far a cast member has eye rolled her on Twitter and hos have described her as a “nightmare.” White Oprah just lifted her head off of a bartender’s body after doing a shot out of his belly button and said, “That’s my little mess!”
E! News says that LiLo’s first day of shooting actually caused a few crew members to die of shock, because she showed up on time, knew her lines and was completely professional. Well, did you think LiLo would deprive the cast of crew from experiencing her signature spoiled cunt theatrics? Of course not. For her second day of shooting yesterday, LiLo showed up 3 hours late and acted like she didn’t want to be there even though she should be polishing everyone’s taint with her tongue for giving her a chance. Dot Marie Jones, who plays Coach Bieste, Tweeted and then deleted this yesterday morning:
“Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I’d rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late.”
E!’s source added that she “did not want to work. She had not memorized her lines, and she kept disappearing so no one could find her.”
LiLo’s rep Steve Honig, who must have broken dozens of pairs of stress balls with his butt cheeks while lying for this ho, did his job by defending her ass:
“The production team came to us and said that they wanted to start [with Lindsay] right after lunch, which was at 2. They wanted to begin with Lindsay at 3, so that meant she had a lot of time where she wasn’t doing anything. That’s why people didn’t see her. She was then in hair and makeup and began after lunch at 3. If there was a problem yesterday, I would have just said ‘no comment,’ however I can’t ignore this because this is utter B.S. This is a classic example of people trying to bash Lindsay. She busted her ass yesterday and is back on set again today.”
Steve Honig is so good at spitting the bull shit that if you ever need someone to call in sick for you when you’re not sick or to tell your boyfriend that you didn’t cheat on him with some trick from the bar when you did, he’s the dude you need in your life.
Another Glee source said that LiLo showed up on time today and has been on her best behavior so far.
When it comes to showing up on time, LiLo is like my cousins. If you want their tardy for the party asses to show up at 5, you have to tell them to be there at 2. If the producers of Glee expected her to always be on set, they should’ve shot all her scenes at the bar at Chateau Marmont. If they wanted her to memorize lines, they should’ve wrote those lines on a coke-snorting mirror. They didn’t even try to work with her! The producers brought this upon themselves and they only have themselves to blame. Signed, White Oprah.
(stunning portrait of LiLo via Pacific Coast News)
FOX and Ryan Murphy both felt the lukewarm, whiskey-scented, Parliament-infused wrath of White Oprah after GOOP’s character called her precious child “crazy” on an episode of Glee. White Oprah stumbled up to the front gate of FOX and nearly dropped the bottle of the Thunderbird in her hand as she vowed to destroy those hateful bitches for telling the truth about her meal ticket! Then White Oprah passed out on the steps and by the time one of FOX’s gardeners woke her up by leaf blowing her in the face, she forgot all about it! Or at least I thought she forgot all about it, because there was no lawsuit. But look at what we have here.
TVLine says that Lindsay Lohan is “in talks” to play Lindsay Lohan in one of the last episodes of the season. I’m going to guess that the only reason this is happening is because this is part of LiLo’s settlement deal with FOX, as well as White Oprah getting 7 minutes in heaven (for her, 7 minutes in the 9th circle for him) with Matthew Morrison’s nipple.
A source tells TVLine that LiLo will be a “celebrity” judge at Nationals. This shit hasn’t been confirmed, but FOX did confirm that Whoopi Goldberg is playing a drama school professor in several episodes.
The good news is that LiLo is playing a judge, which means she’ll sit at a table, which means she can read her lines off of a prop note card sitting on the table, which means she won’t have to strain her crack smoke-damaged retinas by reading a teleprompter. NO, I’m sure LiLo has really grown as an actress since her cue card-reading SNL days. LiLo will totally write her lines in dot lettering with an orange Sharpie on the palm of her hand so it looks like freckles. That’s how serious actresses do it!
Everybody who is making an #itgetsbetter video for bullied gay teens need to immediately rewrite their script and speak directly to recently de-chunked Jonah Hill, because he needs our sympathies and support during this very difficult time. You see, Jonah Hill told Jimmy Fallon that Matthew Morrison from Glee was a meanie mean meanster to him TWICE! This shit is barely worth repeating, but it’s Friday, it’s slow, outside my window looks like cold ass mist and if you reenact Jonah’s story in your head using two dehydrated curly-haired twats on a playschool playground it might make this sort of entertaining.
This is what Jonah had to say about the worst bullying experience of HIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
“This publicity woman is giving us these instructions and no one is paying attention. And Zooey (Deschanel) starts talking to me. And I’m, like, whatever I don’t want to get in trouble or anything like that. And she keeps talking to me, and the woman goes, ‘Jonah, please be quiet while I’m talking.’ This guy (Matthew Morrison) piggybacks this woman calling me out. I’ve never met this guy before in my entire life. He goes, ‘Yeah Jonah, can’t you stop talking for one second?’ And everyone laughed at me! I wasn’t even talking to anybody!
So, I’ve already got in my head that I don’t like this guy. I’m sure he’s a good human being but you don’t throw a dude under the bus that’s just sitting there being quiet… He bullied me. He’s a big timer on Fox, I’ve got stars in my eyes and he’s been to the dance before, I’m just some movie guy trying to make it in that world.
Cut to a couple weeks later… and I see this guy, Matthew Morrison, and he’s talking to one of the Gossip Girl guys, Chace Crawford… I go, ‘They don’t see me, I’m gonna get some scoop, I’m gonna call this dude out, I’m gonna like bust up his conversation.’ And I wander up behind these two guys and I’m eavesdropping and I can’t really hear what’s going on and then I hear, ‘Something, something, something… Jonah Hill.’ And then they both start laughing! And so I’m the punchline in this guy’s joke? He doesn’t even know I’m at this party. What is his deal?”
And then Jonah cried into his publicist’s lap who consoled him by softly blowing air at his neck while holding a box of happy juice (aka Juicy Juice in berry flavor) up to his whine hole. I swear, the surgeon must’ve accidentally cut off Jonah’s thick skin along with his loose skin. This is nothing. Matthew is obviously just jealous, because he thinks there can only be one bitch at the network who looks like a Banana Republic sales associate. You’d think Jonah and Matthew would bond over their shared love of blue shirts and safari pants.
via Holy Moly