QOTD: Heather Mills Says Paul McCartney Is Irrelevant

It’s been much, much too long since we’ve all gotten a piping hot, extra large serving of cuntness from gold digging grand champion and one of my cunt idols Heather Mills, so thankfully she was asked to be on Ireland’s The Late Late Show where she delivered a beautifully bitchy gem. Heather, who was only relevant for being married to Paul McCartney, was a little pissed when the host Ryan Tubridy brought up Paul McCartney’s name. Thankfully for him, Heather Mills didn’t pull a Heather Mills by dumping a glass of water on his head, but she did say that she wasn’t there to talk about Paul. Ryan told Heather that people are interested in what she has to say about Paul and she responded by spitting out this shiny jewel of delusion:

“No, they’re not. That’s the thing. If I go down the street, all I get is kids coming up to me, half of them don’t even know who he is. That’s why he has to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember. But you know, most of the time I have people coming down the street and saying, ‘Oh my god! You’re a ski-racer’ or ‘You help the animals.’ I own the biggest vegan company in the world. Most of the money I do goes into helping animals, disabled kids, landmine clearing charities… You know, things that are changing the world. This is just someone I fell in love with who to me was a normal guy that happened to write a few cool songs in the 60s and a few in the 70s. It was just someone I fell in love with.”

Three things:

1. Heather Mills thinks that Heather Mills is more relevant and “in with the kids” than Paul McCartney. If delusion needs inspiration on how to be more delusional, it should spend time with Heather Mills.

2. We all know that “kids” aren’t running up to Heather Mills in the street. That’s crazy. Most kids have been told at a very, very young age to never ever go up to that witch Heather Mills, because she’ll eat their souls.

3. If anyone does go up to Heather Mills in the street, the only question they probably ask her is, “Do you still have that PT Cwuza?”

A Beautiful Christmas Gift: Heather Mills Is Terrorizing Humanity Again!

And I’m terrorizing your retinas with Heather Mills’ Spandex-covered crotch. This is the best holiday season ever!

Father Cuntmas decided that it’s been much, much, MUCH, much too long since all of our souls have shriveled and died at the sight of gold digging hero Heather Mills, so he brought her back into our lives just in time for the holidays. Heather Mills is finally back out there in the world doing what she was born to do: being a complete crazy bitch to people. The Mirror says that Heather’s Paralympic dreams are over after she cursed out an official during tryouts. Now, that’s the throbbing asshole I’ve come to know and love.

Heather was hoping to compete with the British Disabled Ski Time in the Paralympic Winter Games in Sochi next March and she was in Austria earlier this week to compete at the Pitzal Europa Cup. During a meeting with the International Paralympic Committee at a hotel, she was told by official Sylvana Mestre that she couldn’t wear a specially adapted boot during competition, because it hadn’t been cleared by the committee. Well, Sylvana Mestre quickly learned that when you tell Heather Mills something she doesn’t want to hear, she will rip off her leg and shove it all the way up your culo. Sylvana Mestre tried to work with Heather on the boot issue, but working with Heather is like trying to train a great white shark to give you a sweet peck on the lips. She called Sylvana a “bitch” several times and then went off. The Mirror’s source said:

“Heather erupted in rage. She told Sylvana: ‘Don’t you know who I am? I will make your life a misery. I will have you removed from the IPC and the sport.’ Sylvana was afraid she might hit her.”

A coach for Slovakia’s team said that Heather tried to push Sylvana and Sylvana told her to get away.

A rep for the IPC released this statement (Side note: Shortly after this statement was released, the rep went missing and his neighbors say the last time they heard him he was screaming, “NOT THE LEG! NOT UP THE CULO! PLEASE,” in his apartment.

“Para-athletes are role models and an inspiration to billions of people around the world. This disgraceful outburst is not what we expect from any athletes competing in our competitions and will not be tolerated. We understand the pressure athletes are under in the lead-up to Sochi 2014 and that Heather has been working extremely hard to achieve her goal. However, there can be no excuse for such aggressive and intimidating behaviour towards such a highly respected and experienced official within the Paralympic movement. All Sylvana was trying to do was enforce the rules and offer Heather a solution to the issue.”

Heather was forced to withdraw and she’ll probably be fined 1,000 euros by the IPC. Her coach says that she plans to file a complaint against Sylvana and claims there’s a “vendetta” against her.

Sylvana better move to another country, change her face, change her name and do the same to all the men in her life. If Sylvana is married to a man, Heather Mills is going to fuck that man, marry him without a prenup and then take all of his money in the divorce. Then once she’s done there, she’ll fuck Sylvana’s father, marry him without a prenup and then take all of his money in the divorce. If Sylvana’s father is dead, Heather Mills will go to his grave, dig up his bones, fuck his bones and then take any rings on his phalanges. Heather Mills really is back! Merry Cuntmas to us all!

Pic: Getty

Paul McCartney Is Somebody’s Husband Again

On what would’ve been John Lennon’s 71st birthday, Paul McCartney threw himself into the marriage thing again by making the serious businesswoman daughter of a New Jersey shipping magnate (Daughter of a New Jersey Shipping Magnate should really be a band name) his third wife in London. 69-year-old Paul and 51-year-old Nancy Shevell said “until the cunt wrath of Heather Mills” does us part in front of guests including her cousin Barbara Walters and Ringo Starr at the Old Marylebone Town Hall, the same place where he married his first wife Linda in the 60s. Well, maybe he got married there again because they waived his marriage license fee since he’s a returning customer.

Both Nancy and Paul wore outfits made by his daughter Stella McCartney. Paul and Heather’s daughter Beatrice was the flower girl and he gave his new wife Nancy a fancy 5-carat diamond wedding band by Neil Lane. People says that after the wedding, everyone went back to Paul’s mansion to slurp on vegan food as they nervously looked for Heather Mills to fly in on a broom that doubles as her other leg.

You know, Nancy and Paul look so happy that they could fart out heart-shaped clouds (and since they’re eating vegan food, they probably will) and she has enough money to bathe in hundred dollar bills every night so I doubt she’s putting her shovel under his fortune, but I just can’t get into them. They are so damn boring! Nancy is the human equivalent of a Kate Middleton yawn. Just look at those shoes. Those shoes are straight out of the memaw of the bride collection at Payless. If Nancy was a toddler getting her First Communion, then wearing those shoes would’ve been okay.

I mean, if this was Heather Mills’ wedding, she would’ve already karate-pegged a bitch for throwing petals instead of money and she definitely would’ve ripped off the head of a white to dove to pour its blood on the paparazzi. Those were the days. As boring as they are, I’m sure Nancy and Paul will last FOREVER! But mainly because Nancy is going to do whatever she can to NOT join Heather Mills in The Paul McCartney’s Ex-Wives Club.

Has Paul McCartney Not Learned Anything From The Heather Mills Fiasco?!

And there’s Heather Mills lurking in the background waiting for the perfect moment to douse her future replacement with tap water and cunt-infused saliva. (Note: It’s actually Michelle Williams, but facts always take a backseat to fictionalized drama.) 69-year-old Paul McCartney will try this whole marriage thing for the third time with his 51-year-old serious businesswoman girlfriend of 4 years Nancy Shevell. Paul and Nancy met in the Hamptons back in 2007. This will be Nancy’s second marriage. A source type tells People:

“Nancy and Paul are getting married. Ring and all – very exciting. They have the right chemistry. They’re both cool, chilled out and optimistic.”

Yes, I’m sure Paul remembered how he spent many a night picking the scabs off of his b-hole after getting burned by the cuntress of cunts Heather Mills, so he proposed to Nancy with an engagement ring made out of prenup documents. Good move.

The source says that they are both cool and optimistic, but you know they are going to get married while surrounded by a moat, a circle of hot coals, an army of woodchoppers and slabs of bloody beef. That’s one way to ward off the evil spirits (aka Heather “Gimmebills” Mills).

Heather Mills At The Point

Wearing what most professional hookers describe as “business casual,” Heather Millers (which the British pronounce as “CUNT“) slid onto the red carpet last night for the premiere of StreetDance 3D in London. 20 for a blow, 50 for a lay.

Heather’s polyester swathed camel toe doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that her facial expressions still make her look like she’s getting pussy head from a stun gun. I know the paps are probably throwing the cunt word at her, but she should at least try to fake smile while telling those evil bitches to lick her stump!

Heather Mills Is As Broke As She Looks

Heather Mills has confessed that she’s pretty much blown through her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney in less than two years. As soon as the money dropped into her checking account, Heather said she immediately handed it over to various charities. You know, because she’s like the Robin Hood of gold digging whores.

Heather said on a show called Shrink Rap (via DS), “Most of it’s been given to charity, gone into ethical businesses or paid for a couple of properties for my daughter’s future security. I could never sit with millions of pounds in the bank that could make matters change.”

That quote right there should cause Paul McCartney to legally change his name, buy a new social security number online, move to the Artic and keep all of his money in a box made out of bloody beef steaks, because Heather is hopping back for more. It’s only a matter of time before she drags Paul back to court to drop another glass of water on his lawyer’s head and collect another bag of money.