I really should’ve saved this story for Monday, because “Heather Locklear drove her car into a ditch” is everyone’s Monday morning metaphor.
Charlie Sheen has a direct-to-TV movie coming out soon called Mad Families, which I’ve learned isn’t a documentary about the people who receive his child support checks. It’s appropriate that Charlie is promoting a movie with the word “mad” in the title, because Charlie is still very mad at Rihanna for that time she wouldn’t wave him and his ex-fiancée Brett Rossi over to her table at a restaurant. He also had something to say about Jenny McCarthy, Selma Blair, and Jennifer Grey. You leave Baby out of this, Charlie!
I’ve posted the legendary clip from Dynasty of Sammy Josephine Dean Carrington serving up some husband-stealing sweet moves at a stuffy party before, but I’m posting it again, because everybody should watch it before their New Year’s Eve begins.
Not only is this pucker-inducing clip a tutorial on how to make everyone in the room take off their wedding rings and propose marriage to you, it’s also a tutorial on DANCE! Nobody should ever take Maroon 5 seriously, because that Moves Like Jagger song should’ve been Moves Like Sammy Jo.
If you find yourself having a boring ass time tonight and want to liven that bitch up, do what Sammy Jo did and tell the band to hit it before swirling out moves that will make half of the room combust into a geyser of jizz and the other half hit you with jealous glares. I’ll be spending my New Year’s Eve on a plane, so there’s a slight chance you may hear about a drunk gay getting dragged off of a plane by a regular Alexis Carrington (aka an air marshal) after refusing to stop Sammy Jo’ing in the middle of the aisle.
And all of us are hoping that 2017 won’t be nearly as awful as the Port-A-Potty fire that 2016 was. It’ll probably be worse, but let’s forget about that for now and instead get hypnotized by Sammy Jo spreading sex on a dance floor. Happy New Year!
Heather Locklear may or may not be in rehab right now after swallowing a death cocktail of various pills & booze, and Star Magazine says she slipped into a whirlpool of woe because of a fight she had with her ex-fiance Jack Wagner. File this under: Why didn’t these hos save the fighting shit for the Melrose Place reunion in 10 years?
A few days before Heather’s overdose, she brawled with Jack on the driveway of her house in Sherman Oaks. Jack showed up to get a few things he left at her house and they immediately started arguing. Jack said some stuff about her family, Heather said some stuff about his family and all that led to him pushing her. Amanda Woodward is never the one, so she knocked him to the ground by punching him in the face. Before the cops arrived, Heather snatched up Jack’s dog, threw it into the car and drove away from the scene. And this is where a thick layer of confusion swept over me, because Star then says that Heather did talk to the cops and told them she didn’t want to press charges.
Locklear quickly fled, but not before grabbing Jack’s dog and putting it in the car.
According to Star’s source, the drama didn’t end there. The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner’s face was caused in self defense. “Heather didn’t want to press charges, so she left.”
So Jack showed up to Heather’s house, they got into a fight, he pushed her, she punched him, she dognapped his dog, the police came a runnin’, she came back, she said she didn’t want to press charges, Jack didn’t say anything even though he got punched in the face and then she left again? Let me guess, the name of Star’s source rhymes with Feather Cocklear and they left out all the drunk burps she made while telling them her side of this mess.
Heather, slowly move your lips away from the bottle and hand it to me. I can drunkenly write incoherent gibberish for the both of us.
Heather Locklear, seen above at the Lakers game on Tuesday night, was shuffled off in an ambulance to the hospital today after her sister freaked out and called 911. TMZ’s story is that Heather found out the hard way that following a cocktail of pills with a sweet nectar chaser sometimes makes your insides weird out. Heather’s sister was apparently afraid that she was trying to hurt herself and so she called for help. The Ventura County Sheriff’s Department can’t say why Heather is laid out on a hospital bed tonight, but they did say this to People:
“Emergency response personnel responded to a medical emergency call at Ms. Locklear’s residence. Once they arrived, it was determined that Ms. Locklear needed to be transported to the hospital for further medical attention.”
Some source opened their mouth to Radar and said that Heather’s still hurt in the heart about her break-up with Dr. Peter Burns and she’s having a hard time getting over it. This is not how this episode is supposed to play out. Sammy Jo/Amanda Woodward is the one who should be stomping cracks into hearts and putting hos in the hospital, not the other way around. Somebody put Fallon and a horsey drinking pool in front of Heather, because drowning a rival will definitely make her feel better:
Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner are rewriting history according to Aaron Spelling by NOT getting married before walking into the sunset together as the final Melrose Place credits roll. Heather and Jack made the 90s teenager in me put on a velvet choker (with a cameo charm, of course) and do the Rumpshaker after they announced three months ago that they are getting married. Then out of nowhere, Heather’s spokeswhore came strolling out of their office, threw up their hands and casually said, “Look, they’re not engaged anymore. Get over it.” Just like that. JUST LIKE THAT. Can you believe that nonchalant shit?
No explanation. No “to be continued…..” sign. No dramatic music which leads us to believe that this break-up is just part of their ultimate plan to fake their deaths and then run away to a deserted island so they can be together forever in peace. I’d even believe it if the rep told us that Heather and Jack were just sick of the “two balloons rubbing together” noise they made every time they kissed on each other’s plastic faces. But nothing. Some of us have followed their love affair for OUR ENTIRE LIVES (I’m lying for dramatic effect) and this is how they treat us? This is how they treat their own family who they don’t know and isn’t really related to them by blood?
I would hate Jack Wagner, but I am not capable of doing so due to the simple fact that he did this once:
Heather on the other hand is no lady of my heart. Here’s Heather at last night’s Breaking Dawn premiere posing with her daughter like everything’s just rainbow-farting peaches. THE AUDACITY!