Two weeks ago, an allegedly drunk Heather Locklear was arrested at her home for beating up her boyfriend. During that arrest, Heather reportedly attacked first responders and now she’s in trouble for that. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I saw this coming. You can be a drunk mess, you can be a drunk mess around the cops, but the second your start attacking police and threatening to get your gun, you’re probably going to get it.
According to TMZ, Heather made an appearance in court today, and she has been charged with four counts of misdemeanor battery on an officer. Heather was originally arrested for hitting her boyfriend Chris Heisser, but she won’t be charged for that. Instead, the D.A. went after Heather for pulling some amateur Street Fighter moves on the police. Heather was also charged with one count of resisting or obstructing an officer.
TMZ adds in some more messy information regarding the night she was arrested. On top of threatening to shoot police officers if they returned to her house, Heather reportedly also hissed, “You fuckers deserve your kids to die, you fuckers deserve it” at the police, adding that if they were to find themselves in that position, she hopes they think of her. Heather then ominously told them she hopes no one burns their police department down.
Heather is in rehab right now. As if I even needed to remind you of that. Wishing death on the police and their kids, then implying their police station might possibly get burned to the ground? I bet that facility didn’t even do a blood alcohol test at admission. They just heard her say “Um, have you ever seen the movie Carrie?“, and immediately got a sober coach ready.
A gun – one of two things that could have made Heather Locklear’s already extremely messy domestic abuse arrest from last week exponentially worse. The other would be if her old pal Charlie Sheen had shown up in the middle of it. But even then, I feel like even he’d be smart enough to drive away after pulling up to her house.
According to TMZ, police were at Heather’s home yesterday with a search warrant to retrieve a gun. As Heather was being arrested on February 25th, she reportedly struck three cops that responded to her brother’s 911 call. A source says that as she was being arrested, she told the police: “If you ever come back to my house I will shoot you.” So police decided to play it safe and remove the weapon from her home. There is a handgun registered in Heather’s name, and she’s owned it since 1985. But after searching for several hours, no gun was found. The police are deciding what to do next.
Heather threatened to shoot cops if they came back to her house, like some old-timey hillbilly with a shotgun trying to guard his dirt farm. But there was no threat of Heather shooting the cops, because she’s currently in a medical treatment facility.
The source adds that Heather was “extremely intoxicated” at the time of her arrest. So it’s probably safe to say that that gun threat came straight from the alcohol. But still, she did say she’d shoot if police ever came back to her house. And let’s face it – this is Heather Locklear. The likelihood that the police will be swinging by her home sometime in the future is a little too high to be taking such a chance.
And Heather’s got another broke down, tragic mug shot to add to her collection. And this one screams “hungover me waking up having to piss 45 minutes before my alarm goes off and trying to decide whether I should get up or just stay in bed”
The last time I wrote about Heather Locklear, she was laid up in the hospital after driving her Porsche into a ditch in Thousand Oaks, CA. That was last year. Well, Heather Locklear may have gotten out of that ditch, but it looks like her personal life stayed there, because shit is still a mess. TMZ says that 56-year-old Heather was busted by the cops at her home in Thousand Oaks for allegedly beating up her boyfriend. And if that wasn’t already a 9-layer shit cake of tragicness, Heather added another layer by allegedly attacking a cop. Sammy Jo Carrington getting arrested for domestic abuse and battery on a cop gets 5 out of 5 “Oh, Sammy Jo, you wreck” from Aunt Krystle.
I really should’ve saved this story for Monday, because “Heather Locklear drove her car into a ditch” is everyone’s Monday morning metaphor.
Charlie Sheen has a direct-to-TV movie coming out soon called Mad Families, which I’ve learned isn’t a documentary about the people who receive his child support checks. It’s appropriate that Charlie is promoting a movie with the word “mad” in the title, because Charlie is still very mad at Rihanna for that time she wouldn’t wave him and his ex-fiancée Brett Rossi over to her table at a restaurant. He also had something to say about Jenny McCarthy, Selma Blair, and Jennifer Grey. You leave Baby out of this, Charlie!
I’ve posted the legendary clip from Dynasty of Sammy Josephine Dean Carrington serving up some husband-stealing sweet moves at a stuffy party before, but I’m posting it again, because everybody should watch it before their New Year’s Eve begins.
Not only is this pucker-inducing clip a tutorial on how to make everyone in the room take off their wedding rings and propose marriage to you, it’s also a tutorial on DANCE! Nobody should ever take Maroon 5 seriously, because that Moves Like Jagger song should’ve been Moves Like Sammy Jo.
If you find yourself having a boring ass time tonight and want to liven that bitch up, do what Sammy Jo did and tell the band to hit it before swirling out moves that will make half of the room combust into a geyser of jizz and the other half hit you with jealous glares. I’ll be spending my New Year’s Eve on a plane, so there’s a slight chance you may hear about a drunk gay getting dragged off of a plane by a regular Alexis Carrington (aka an air marshal) after refusing to stop Sammy Jo’ing in the middle of the aisle.
And all of us are hoping that 2017 won’t be nearly as awful as the Port-A-Potty fire that 2016 was. It’ll probably be worse, but let’s forget about that for now and instead get hypnotized by Sammy Jo spreading sex on a dance floor. Happy New Year!