Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.
Pure sea jasper, Red Bull, fake tanner, a Baccarat crack pipe, leggings with secret crotch pockets for stolen jewelry, Fix-A-Flat lip injections and the hole in the California Justice System she keeps fucking raw are just a few of the loves of Lindsay Lohan’s life and you can add a kicking and screaming Heath Ledger to that list whether he likes it or not. Star Magazine (via Radar) somehow magically found Lindsay Lohan’s private diaries in their paws and they may or may not have signed a scribbled contract on a T.G.I. Friday’s cocktail napkin stating that they will not disclose that White Oprah sold it them for a few Mohegan Sun gambling chips and a grey goose. (Nobody tell White Oprah that contrary to what the drunk she gave a handy to in the parking lot told her, vodka does not come from the pee hole of a grey goose.)
In an entry from Memoirs of a Cokey dated January 22, 2008, LiLo cries about how she’ll never feel Heath’s touch again.
“Today Heath died. I’m in love with him…. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”
Shortly after Heath’s death, both White Oprah and Michael Lohan claimed that LiLo was dating him and was supposed to fly to NYC to be with him just days after he overdosed. I think the coroner should update Heath’s death certificate to read, “Cause of Death: Lindsay Lohan was about to visit him.”
Blohan writes in other entries that she was having an affair with JFK, couldn’t wait to start filming Something’s Gotta Give, and suspected that her housekeeper was an undercover CIA agent who was lacing her barbiturates with arsenic. So all of this should be taken with a grain of coke.
Lindsay Lohan was doing down-low sexy times with Heath Ledger right before he died. That’s what White Oprah claims anyway in a yet another taped phone conversation released by the savior of all saviors Michael Lohan. White Oprah is always dropping those names. And the hits just keep coming out of Michael’s swollen ass mouth.
Radar posted the conversation between White Oprah and Michael Lohan. As usual, you don’t hear Michael’s voice and the whole thing was probably edited using the 1999 version of Quicktime on a Mac Clamshell. In the clip, White Oprah burps that Heath Ledger’s death really fucked her daughter up because they were dating at the time, “And she was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok?”
White Oprah adds that she’s scared that what happened to Heath Ledger could happen to LiLo, because she can’t control herself around booze and Adderall. White Oprah also believes that LiLo can’t quit her partner in pussy SamRo, because of her problems with addiction, “It’s very easy for a rational person to say. But for an irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she’s got wrong with her.”
And there’s a bit that Michael Lohan probably forgot to erase in post-edit, because he was too busy dry humping one of his turtlenecks (you know he has a turtleneck fetish). White Oprah said that whenever LiLo’s at home with her, she’s too scared to sleep by herself, “She cannot be alone. When she sleeps here she sleeps with me… she has fears from being little and what you did to us.”
In the next tape, White Oprah will reveal that LiLo was making a record with Michael Jackson at the time of his death. Oh, and right before Billy Mays went off to the giant infomercial in the sky, she wants in talks to be the new face of OxiClean. You know, because she’s such a fan of the Oxies.
What I want to know is, when is Dr. Drew going to produce a family version of Celebrity Rehab for the Lohans? They all need it. Well, all of them except for Nana Lohan. She’s the silent voice of reason in this mess. I just picture her shaking her head while holding her glass of Metamucil.
The sneaky troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen isn’t getting away that easy! This past August the U.S. Attorney’s office closed the case regarding Heath Ledger’s death which meant that the Olsen troll didn’t have to testify. Well, Heath’s insurance company ReliaStar now wants to speak to her. Like any typical insurance company, ReliaStar (owned by ING) is trying to find ways to get out of paying Heath’s $10 million policy. The insurance whores are investigating the possiblity that Heath committed suicide which would void the policy. Heath’s death was officially ruled as an accidental overdose.
A lawyer for Heath’s estate is now suing the company for being cheap bitches and nosy skanks. ReliaStar responded to the lawsuit by saying they are “entitled to investigate Plaintiff’s claim to determine if the ‘Suicide’ provision is applicable.” They also claim that Heath lied on the policy application about whether he was taking prescription pills.
ReliaStar wants to talk to the troll to find out what she knows about Heath’s death. If the feds can’t get to her, what makes ReliaStar think they can? They can bring her a fresh plate of roasted chipmunk bones and boiled frog warts, but she’s not opening her lips! The only time she opens her mouth is to say “prune.”
I hope they do catch her, though. I hear her wicked snicker in the middle of the night and I know she’s just laughing at all of us! Your day is coming, troll!
Source: NY Post
This pic is too fucking much. Arthur the Aardvark glasses AND she’s saying “prune“? She needs to go in a dark corner and finish feasting on her meal of wet crackers and spider legs. Ho, sit down!
The New York Post reports that Mary-Kate Olsen has refused to talk to the feds about Heath Ledger’s death unless they grant her immunity. Someone has been watching Law & Order…
MK’s masseuse was one of the first people to find Heath. She immediately called MK. Instead of calling 911, MK sent her bodyguards over to Heath’s apartment.
A source said that the feds have already interviewed everyone from Heath’s doctors and housekeepers to Michelle Williams. MK is the only one who is refusing to talk to them. The feds want to know where Heath got a hold of OxyContin. All the other drugs found in his system were legally obtained using prescriptions from his doctors. The source said, “Did it come from a dealer, from a friend? If he had a bottle from a friend, was it taken by someone else before police responded? That is what is trying to be determined.”
Federal officials might try and get a grand-jury subpoena to get the troll to talk.
You can go to jail for giving someone OxyContin? I mean, that’s the only reason MK would ask for immunity, right? She gave Heath OxyContin and she thinks she’s too precious for the chokey. She has nothing to be worried about. Celebrities hardly go to jail. Besides, even if she did go to prison, she’s small enough to escape through a hole in the wall or squeeze herself through the bars. If that doesn’t work, she can get her woodland creature friends to bust her out.
Heath Ledger’s memorial and funeral was held in Australia on Saturday. His memorial was attended by hundreds including Michelle Williams, Gemma Ward, Rose Byrne and Cate Blanchett. Ben Harper performed a song written for Heath, Michelle and their daughter. Cate gave the eulogy and they also played Heath’s favorite songs. The funeral was only attended by 10 people, his close family, and Michelle read a Shakespearean sonnet.
The day ended with everyone gathering at one of Heath’s favorite beaches where they jumped into the ocean and watched the sun set.
Rest in peace, Heath Ledger…