The worst thing about writing an article about Hayden Panettiere is that I always think of Rayna James (SPOILER ALERT) aka Connie Britton and get the R.I.P. Nashville sads. The second worst thing about writing a Hayden story is I always want to call her Hayden Panini Tear because I’m essentially illiterate. Hayden has been with her Ukrainian boxer beaux Wladimir Klitschko for nine years, and they even got engaged in 2013. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be because they have apparently called it quits, and signs point to there being a new dude in the fold.
Hayden’s mom, Lesley Vogel, for some strange reason gave an exclusive to Radar to blab that there are “a lot of changes” going on with her daughter, and that included saying buh-bye to Nashville the show and Nashville the city and hightailing it back to Los Angeles. Oh, and there’s also the split with Wladimir:
“Think there are a lot of changes going on in her life. But I think they’re positive changes. And I think that she’s taking some time.”
Homegirl didn’t take that much time because People is reporting she was seen leaving Craig’s in L.A. Thursday with some “mystery man” dancing in the parking lot while barefoot.
HAYDEN, this ain’t La La Land! Put some damn shoes on to avoid getting tetanus! Anyway, Hayden is still said to be on good terms with Vladimir Putin, er, Wladimir and even went to Greece with him and their daughter. Considering Hayden once did the straight-to-DVD Oscar bait Bring It On 900 (also called Bring It On: All Or Nothing), I hope the Greece trip was to prime her for her next straight-to-DVD masterpiece: Mamma Mia 3: Wlad-nando!
It doesn’t appear the streets of Nashville can live without Rayna James because it’s going to the grave (SPOILER ALERT!) just like her! Continue reading
Some people who watched Nashville considered it their “guilty pleasure,” but I never called it that. Nashville was a high-class piece of television art compared to the other crap I watch. My DVR looks like the inside of a backed-up toilet in the bathroom of a porn theater that has a taco bar in its lobby. It’s full of used condoms and shit. Nashville was one of my pride and joys in my DVR lineup. So when ABC announced that they were canceling it, I wondered what show I would bring up at parties in front of fancy people while they talked about last week’s episode of whatever fucking boring PBS show they’re watching. But thankfully, I can keep impressing and dazzling them with my knowledge of Nashville, because it’s been picked up by another network!
One of my favorite couples Little Sprout (aka Hayden Panettiere) and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant (aka Wladimir Klitschko) became parents last December to a daughter Kaya. Hayden’s pregnancy was written into her show Nashville (which I watch and I can’t believe I keep admitting that out loud on this blog). Not long after Hayden’s character Juliette gave birth, she slowly slid into a postpartum depression spiral. Well, life is imitating primetime soap opera art, because Hayden’s rep says that she has gone off to rehab to be treated for PPD. Her rep gave this statement to UsWeekly.
“Hayden Panettiere is voluntarily seeking professional help at a treatment center as she is currently battling postpartum depression. She asks that the media respect her privacy during this time.”
While promoting, Nashville, Hayden talked about PPD since her character goes through it and she said on Live with Kelly and Michael that she relates and thinks some people brush it off like, “Oh, just drink some Tension Tamer Tea and you’ll be fine! That shit ain’t real!” Hayden said that PPD is something that needs to be talked about, which is probably why she’s letting it be known that she has it.
A few days ago, Hayden tweeted, “Feeling like I’m #finally coming back in to my own body!mother #daughter #blessing #wellworthit @bonesthenskin”
It’s a good thing that Hayden is getting help, but since I’m selfish, I wondered what does this mean for Nashville? Does it mean that Juliette won’t be in it that much anymore and so they’re going to give more screen time to annoying ass Scarlett? OH GOD. Get better, Hayden!
What better way to celebrate the night Santa pushes a 200lb bag of presents down your tiny-ass chimney than by talking about miniature dollhouse human Hayden Panettiere pushing her giant fiance Wladimir Klitschko’s baby out of her small person parts. Merry Christmas! It’s time to talk about wrecked pussies! During an interview with People about her new baby Kaya, 5-feet-tall Hayden confessed that she’s still getting used to her body ever since it pushed out a 7lb, 14oz 20-inch-long baby almost two weeks ago:
“I’m limping around. I’m still trying to figure out what [pregnancy] has done to my body, how it’s changed it. What’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs, you know — please tell me this is temporary! But I know some things will never be the same again.”
You’d think that fucking a giant would have prepared her for pushing out a burrito-sized child from her down-lows, but I guess nothing really prepares your pussy for that. All I know is that the only time I’ve ever come close to ripping apart my lady parts was the time I accidentally used an extra super absorbancy tampon from one of those machines at the mall and it literally felt like I was shoving a rolled-up beach towel up there. That was 6 years ago, and my googe still hasn’t forgiven me. It brings it up all the time. So to say that I’m terrified of the idea of giving birth is an understatement. I was a 10lb baby! And just like that, my vagina hissed “oh, fuck that” and bought a one-way ticket to Tijuana.
And what does it mean if you feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs and you haven’t given birth to a giant baby? Is that something I should be asking my doctor about? Eh, it’s probably fine.
Pic: Wladimir Klitschko
I watch Nashville every single week (surprisingly, that isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve admitted on this site) and it feels like for the past 100 episodes, Hayden Panettiere’s character has been having (NASHVILLE SPOILER ALERT) pregnant drama and crying out tears over her baby father, Luke & Laura’s son, not forgiving her for fucking Kate Hudson’s brother. So it feels like a baby has been growing in her body for years. It’s like she’s been on the Jessica Simpson schedule. But after being knocked up for forever (9 months to be exact), Hayden birthed out her first kid with future husband Wladimir Klitschko on Tuesday. In a birth announcement to People, Hayden and Wladimir announced their daughter’s name and told us what she weighed in at. They also made my nerves break by using “Over the moon.” Couldn’t they have switched shit up by saying that they’re “above Neptune” or something?
Daughter Kaya Klitschko weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and measured 20 inches.
“We are over the moon and madly in love!” the proud new parents tell PEOPLE.
Just when I was beginning to think that reading baby announcements was safe again, because we as a people have gotten over “over the moon,” Hayden and Wladimir remind me that it’s alive and well. But I won’t hold it against Hayden. You too would be flying over all of the planets and natural satellites if you mated with a giant and gave birth to an average-sized kid. Because ancient folklore says that when a forest gnome makes a baby with a giant, her spine breaks and her little body is ripped in two during birth. So she’s probably really happy that didn’t happen.
Congratulations to Little Sprout and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant! I like the name Kaya Klitschko, because it sounds like the name of a badass Bond girl and it also tells me that Hayden and Wladimir must be big fans of scripted MTV shows that lasted one season.