Yesterday, Amish hipster Harry Styles was “caught” (read: the paps showed up at the right place at the right time) kissing on the most legitimate Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, on a yacht in St. Barts. I guess Harry didn’t want to spend another day listening to Kendall’s pimp, Kris Jenner, barking “What is this, amateur hour? Arch your ass harder!” at them from the upper deck, so they called up Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi and invited them over for lunch. “Fine. You get an hour. But after that, it’s back to choreographed cuddling” hissed Kris Jenner, before muttering “Kim would never have taken a break…” under her breath.
According to People, Kendall and Harry had lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht, which makes totally sense and isn’t random at all, because why wouldn’t a 57-year-old woman and her 42-year-old wife want to hang out with two fame-humping fetuses? No, it’s probably because Kris Jenner wanted to see if she could get any more mileage out of those gay rumors before retiring them to the back of the Kardashian Rumor Kloset, and Ellen and Portia were the most famous gayelles available in St. Barts.
Here’s more riveting photos of Kendall and Harry having lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht earlier today. You know you truly have your priorities in order when all you care about is what they had for lunch. Who cares about those two pieces of stale dry toast – I wanna know what kind of rich people food they ate! Like, those paps took 6.8 million pictures and you mean to tell me they couldn’t get one clear shot of the food? Jesus, get it together.
At a One Direction show in San Diego, CA on July 9th, Harry Styles, who is a dolphin lover (not like that, I think), told his army of crazed fans to stay away from SeaWorld:
The moment he said that, the sea creatures at SeaWorld started packing up their shit, because they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be set free. The next day, SeaWorld wrote an open letter to Harry Styles. They asked him to come visit so that he can see all the good they do for dolphins and whales. It didn’t work.
Market Watch reports that analysts at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse measured a gigantic spike in hate on the Internet against SeaWorld right after Harry Styles declared a boycott. Credit Suisse measured “the ratio of positive to negative commentary across the Web.” Analysts say that in July, 2.5 million comments were made about SeaWorld and that’s a 400% spike from June. There was a 13% increase in negative comments. They say that was the biggest amount of anti-SeaWorld hate since Blackfish aired. Harry Styles doesn’t really deserve all the credit. Reports of a SeaWorld employee going undercover at PETA also hurt their asses.
SeaWorld is supposed to do a big re-launch in November to try to save their brand, but experts believe they’ll probably speed up their plans. Experts also think that SeaWorld will survive Harry Styles’ words. Or will they? Never underestimate the power of a toddler who is hypnotized by Harry Styles’ wild mane.
First, that Liam Payne one made Burger King bring back chicken fries by tweeting about how much he loves chicken fries and now this. Here I was thinking that the raccoons are going to enslave us humans and become our new overlords, but I was wrong. These jeggings-wearing yodelers will soon become our new dictators. But are they the kind of dictators who take requests? Because I’ll totally show my allegiance to Dictator Styles by tattooing cracked out birds on my nalgas if he tells Kraft to bring back Jell-O and commands his army to stop Trump.
It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.
Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.
So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).
I just got a little excited picturing Harry Styles at home watching Black Knight on DVD, but then I realized we’re talking about the boring Martin Lawrence, and I was like “Oh, that makes much more sense.” On Saturday night, pint-sized hipster heartthrob Harry Styles celebrated his 21st birthday in Los Angeles with his current contract piece, panty model Nadine Leopold, as well a whole mess of famous types, including Adele, Rashida Jones, Adam Levine, the only Kardashian with an actual job Kendull Jenner, and Cara Delevingne. And if that wasn’t a random enough guest list, People says the human mug of Theraflu Chris Martin and the manic hottie dream fart Jennifer Lawrence were there too.
People says there were no cameras allowed inside Harry’s birthday, so we don’t really know for sure if Martin Lawrence was actually there at all. After all, pictures of Martin Lawrence are as rare as a clear shot of Bigfoot. For all we know, it could have been Chris Martin standing next to a sexy enchanted piece of pizza, or Jennifer Lawrence holding a very large sleepy-looking scarf. Or the actual Martin Lawrence. What? Maybe he was there to pop out of a cake dressed as Sheneneh to sing “Happy Birthday”. That’s what I’d want for my birthday.
Speaking of cake, People says Harry had four birthday cakes. FOUR. CAKES. Sorry, remember what I said about Sheneneh popping out of a cake? I take it back. I’d want four cakes. If one was to have Martin Lawrence dressed as Sheneneh inside it, that’s fine. And I’m guessing he had four cakes in case one of his guests (cough JLAW cough) decided to prove how fun and down to earth they are by smashing a handful of cake into someone’s face. “Okay, if you want chocolate, vanilla, or lemon chiffon, you’re over here. If you want attention, that red velvet with extra icing in the corner is for you.“
I see his management team is still working the tall skinny blonde angle. NO! I’m sure this is a totally real and not at all cooked up in a publicist’s office kind of relationship. Then again, does it really matter? All the rabid Directioners need to hear is that their beloved elfin hipster heartthrob Harry Styles is dating someone and it ISN’T them. If you have a young person in your life, I’m sorry – I’m sure there’s a lot of angry screaming happening in your house right now. I’ll pray for your ears.
According to UsWeekly, said person is a 21-year-old Victoria’s Secret panty model who goes by the name of Nadine Leopold (or as I’m sure she’s known on Twitter at the present moment, that slut skank man-stealing bitch pig). A source claims Harry began seeing Nadine back in November after being introduced to her by CAA agent Jeff Azoff, and they have been getting “more serious” ever since. The source says they’re not exclusive, but they have been spending a lot of time together. For example, Harry took Nadine out for two birthday dinners this week. Two birthday dinners? Who does Nadine think she is, a Kardashian?
Even though two birthday dinners is pretty much my definition of a bottom bitch, another source says Harry’s relationship with Nadine is not that serious and Harry is just having fun:
“Harry is having a good time being a young rock star. You will know he has a girlfriend when he steps out on the red carpet with one. Until then, he’s having fun and enjoying life.”
So basically what they’re saying is that they still have a commitment to at least 8 more totally candid pap sessions and 4-to-6 blurry Instagram selfies before management will consider going over the terms of a red carpet appearance.
Poor Kristen Wiig; little does she know that she’s 24-hours away from receiving a box containing the severed head of a Peppermint Rose doll along with a letter written in pink glitter gel pen on monogrammed stationery that says “STAY AWAY, BITCH xoxo Tay Tay“. No, I’m sure Taylor Swift doesn’t care about Harry Styles anymore; he’s been out of her current famous friendship roster for a while.
But back to Kristen and Harry. UsWeekly says that it all happened at a Saturday Night Live afterparty early Sunday morning. Harry was there because One Direction was this week’s musical guest, and Kristen was there because it’s the holiday season and she thought she’d do a little charity work by making a cameo in a sketch or two. Well, we all know that weird stuff happens when you mix work colleagues and booze and Saturday nights, so naturally 20-year-old Harry would grab 41-year-old Kristen Wiig and start dirty dancing to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” during the afterparty. And thankfully, it was all caught on video, because who of us wouldn’t want to see Kristen Wiig do the Kristen Wiig Shoulder Shruggy Dance with one of the barely-legal tricks from One Direction?
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.
Last night, Olivia Benson had her paws firmly shoved into her pussy ear holes, because her human Taylor Swift probably shrieked, screamed and squirted (smells like that Victoria’s Secret fruit spray shit from the late 90s) when “Out of the Woods,” a diary entry set to a Tears For Fears instrumental, went #1 on iTunes and trended on Twatter just 4 seconds after she queefed it out. YouTube keeps yanking the song down, so you can listen to it here.
The country-yodeling Holly Hobbie doll turned cheerleader going through an Emo phase wrote the song with Jack Antonoff of Fun (and the boyfriend of Tay Tay’s BFFFFFFFF4EVA Lena Dunham). If you filled your ears with it already, then the sound of Tay Tay saying “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” over and over again has probably squirmed its way into your head and is refusing to leave. It’s the worst kind of mind control. I want to go to North Woods (aka the Christmas restaurant) just so I can walk out of there while saying to myself “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” on a loop. That North Woods reference will only make sense to you if you’ve thrown peanut shells on the floor like an old-timey cowboy while dining at my favorite San Gabriel Valley gourmet emporium.
Taylor said on Twatter last night that “Out of the Woods” is not her next single. She released it because the song best represents her album “1989.” So expect her album to be filled with songs that sound like something Savage Garden wrote for the musical theater adaptation of a young adult romance novel. Tay told Rolling Stone in that ridiculous cover interview that “Out of the Woods” is about a relationship she struggled to get through. It’s obviously about Harry Styles and I’m guessing that Taylor struggled through that shit, because every time they did kissing stuff, his pucker was extra weak since all of his focus was on the screen of his phone as he texted his BFF Nick Grimshaw about the latest Topman collection. And this lyric:
Remember when you hit the brakes too soon/Twenty stitches in a hospital room.
That’s about a snowmobile accident Taylor and the dude were in. Damn you, paparazzi. You take approximately 2,345,678 pictures daily of Taylor Swift walking from her apartment building to an SUV and yet you fail to take 1 picture of her flying off of a snowmobile after Harry Styles “accidentally” hit the brakes too fast. You failed yourself. You failed us all.
And in totally related news, Harry Styles had the barfs in a major way the other day and he had to pull over on the 101 in L.A. to let it go. This picture was taken minutes after he found out that Taylor’s song about him was about to come out:
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) October 13, 2014
The good thing is that nobody had to hold Harry’s locks for him, because he already had his hair pulled by like you before doing your nightly beauty regimen.
Last night, Kristen Wiig took a break from doing whatever it is Kristen Wiig does in her spare time (please let it be practicing her impersonation of Kris Jenner for fun) to stop by The Tonight Show and do an interview with Jimmy Fallon in character as Taylor Swift’s former Easy Bake Oven sous-chef Harry Styles. Well, sort of. She doesn’t have an accent, barely knows what band Harry Styles is in, and answers questions like your 90-year-old Pepaw would answer questions regarding Harry Styles. Which is to say, it’s perfect. Nobody should know anything about Harry Styles. Every night I go to sleep and pray that my brain donates a box of all my Harry Styles knowledge to the thrift store, but then the next day someone will ask me “Is Harry Styles still dating Taylor Swift?” and I shamefully answer that I believe he’s showmancing a Kardashian. Then I excuse myself to the bathroom and have a private argument with my brain: “I asked you to get rid of that useless shit days ago because I wanted to make room for more Magic Mike gifs! COME ON.”
Thank you, Harry Styles! My job is easier when the jokes write themselves; an Egg McMuffin basket is coming your way.
Harry Styles (a name that always sounds like a character from an Austin Powers movie) has another album to promote, which means his high-profile showmance with a Jenner is still going strong! Do I even need to specify which Jenner? They’re the same fucking person; dark shiny hair, drowsy-ass eyes, and about as much personality as the busted handle on a shopping bag. But of you MUST know, it’s still Kendall (aka not the one that looks like a dead ringer for Marla Hooch).
E! Online reports that Harry and Kendall (Karry? Hendall? Whocares? Yes, that one!) followed up their dinner date in LA last month with a date at the Gansevoort Hotel in NYC on Saturday. Chill out, moms across America, I can guarantee you they weren’t fucking. Harry and Kendall probably watched Clueless on Netflix while Kendall’s agents, Kris Jenner and Beelzebub, finalized contract specifics (“For the last time, Ms. Jenner, there will be no sex tape released. Please stop setting up the tripod for your Sony Handycam” – Harry’s agent).
After leaving the hotel, Us Weekly reports that Harry and Kendall’s snore-show (I’d call it Ambien! The Musical) made it’s way to Therapy, a gay bar in Hell’s Kitchen. According to bargoers, the two never got up to dance because – DUH – spontaneous natural movement doesn’t run in Kendall’s family. Kendall, stop being lazy; do you want to put “bearding” as a skill on your resume or not? Just remember: what would the Patron Saint of Hired Girlfriends, Taylor Swift do? She’d dance, call the paps, brush her hair 1000 strokes, AND hold a baby at the same time to convince us her and Harry were the real deal.
Fans are reacting about as predictably crazy One Direction fans would (ie. crazy, supportive, happy, crazy) but the best reaction to Harry and Kendall’s coupling I found comes from a commenter known simply as Me:
Don’t you just want to hug her? Oh, you dear, sweet, clueless little thing; you have so much to learn about
strategic marketing and PR romance.