Well, here’s something that will make your eyeballs fax the message: “Can you help me process this??” to your brain (don’t count on your brain to respond with anything helpful; mine just faxed a Flaming Hot Cheetos bag in return). Everything about this picture of Harry Styles is confusing me, because up top says ‘Hot wig mess‘ but down low says ‘I’m 19 and you can talk about my legs without being put on some kind of internet watch-list‘. It’s problematic to say the least.
Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw (Google that if you want an extra shot of hot in your day-drink) put on their best Amanda Bynes court-wigs to crash Poppy Delevingne’s ”hen party” in London last night. Later, Harry removed his wig and replaced it with a creepy elephant head, because those weird One Direction-themed nightmares you’ve been having aren’t terrifying enough.
I’m pretty sure that a “hen party” is just a fancy British way of saying bachelorette party; but it’s England, so I doubt it’s the same. Can you imagine fancies like Poppy Delevigne and Alexa Chung slurping slippery nipples out of penis-shaped shot-glasses and drunkenly screaming Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It over a busted karaoke machine? Unless they do that sort of thing over there. In which case, I hope they saved Harry a piece of penis cake.
(Pics via Splash)
The whoring of the one who showed her nipples on Instagram is right on schedule!
Since Kim Kardashian’s expiration date as Pimp Mama Kris’ highest-earning prized pig is coming up, PMK is working overtime to groom KendallKylieKukaWhatever Jenner and get her ready to take over as the family’s new headlining ho. 18-year-old Kendall went to dinner in West Hollywood with one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers, 19-year-old Harry Styles, last night. The sound of PMK squirting over all the attention these pics are getting is drowning out the sound of all the Directioners bawling while punching their eyeballs out in their playpens. But you know, Kendall has a long way to go before she completely transforms into Kim Kartrashian 2.0.
The Daily Mail has a few pictures of Kendall’s face, but in the pictures from the photo agency I get shit from, she has her head down and is covering her mug. She could be that demon girl from The Grudge (no disrespect to that demon girl from The Grudge) or Steven Tyler for all we know. I wouldn’t know she was one of those Jenner things if the photo agency didn’t tell me. Once PMK finishes celebrating these staged photos by cackling while dancing on the bones her sacrifices, she’s going to punish this girl.
The second a Kardashian or a Jenner or a whatever (see: Khloe) is pulled out of PMK’s body, the first thing she asks the doctor is, “Who cares about that healthy stuff, did it find the light with its face and smile at the camera?” The first rule of being a Kartrashian is: always make sure the goddamn camera gets your face. Hiding your face from the camera is a serious Kardashi-sin. It’s as sinful as the time that I was playing with the remote in my abuelita’s room and accidentally hit the off button while she was watching her novelas. The Jesus hanging on a crucifix above the TV pulled his hands off of the cross so that he could cover his eyes. He knew something serious was about to go down.
So I’m sure that sometime today, PMK is going to drag Kendall down to the plastic surgery clinic in their basement and get a rod permanently installed below her chin so she can never drop her head again. That’ll teach that trick!
I always thought Taylor Swift was a “been there, done that, wrote a hit song about it” kind of trick, so I figured that when she and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s hair twin Harry Styles didn’t re-negotiate their contract in January, she’d troll the playrooms at award shows for the next barely legal white twink pop star to write songs about for her next album. But Ninemsn’s TheFIX says that Harry is once again squirting glaze on Taylor’s heart-shaped strawberry tart. That is not a euphemism. Taylor’s idea of a sexy Saturday night is making heart-shaped strawberry tarts. If she’s really into it, she’ll let her piece sprinkle his sugar on her pound cake donut.
Some source says that Taylor and Harry started talking again after running into each other at the VMAs. Taylor is house hunting in London (because you can never have too many houses that look a fancy Red Robin) and Harry offered to help her. The source burped this up:
“When Taylor confided in Harry during a phone conversation how she wanted to live somewhere close to him in North London whilst she was in Europe working, Harry quickly was on hand to help.They still have feelings for each other. She’s definitely still in love with him and he’s got a massive soft spot for her. They’ll see how it works at Christmas and make it official in the New Year.”
I really, really hope that Taylor’s search for the perfect house to stalk Harry Styles from is filmed for an episode of House Hunters International, because that would be the best episode ever. “I really like this balcony. I can see myself sipping my morning cup of scorned boy tears here.” “I really hate the color of these walls, but that’s okay, because I’m going to cover them with the blood of my next victim anyway.” “I really like the ceiling height. I can hang my full-size replica of Captain Hook’s pirate ship in here.” “This kitchen doesn’t have a wall mounted Easy Bake Oven?! I told you that was at the top of my list!”
And as for Harry and Taylor getting back together, I’ll believe it when I see another picture of them doing the Dirty Dancing lift on Twitter. Harry’s a slut and Taylor’s not going to give up the coochie again. She might let him stick the tip in her b-hole, but the v is for serious boyfriends only!
Speaking of Taylor’s dudes, in their cover story on how Taylor is the BIGGEST POP STAH IN DA WORLD, New York Magazine asked her how her past boyfriends have reacted to her writing songs about them.
“I heard from the guy that most of Red is about. He was like, ‘I just listened to the album, and that was a really bittersweet experience for me. It was like going through a photo album.’ That was nice. Nicer than, like, the ranting, crazy e-mails I got from this one dude. It’s a lot more mature way of looking at a love that was wonderful until it was terrible, and both people got hurt from it—but one of those people happened to be a songwriter.”
The crazy, ranting bitch was obviously John Mayer. I bet he also e-mailed her a few viruses to go with the viruses he probably gave her twat.
While the singing band of twinks in jeggings we all know as One Erection were presenting Best Pop Video at the MTV VMAs last night, the camera cut to Taylor Swift and it looked like she was saying “shut the fuck up” to her former Easy Bake Oven sous chef and cuddle partner Harry Styles. Both MTV and HuffPo think she was telling Harry to shut the mouth that she once kissed through her hand during a game of spin the bottle in her stuffed animal room. But I studied this highly important GIF and it doesn’t look like the fuck word is coming out of her mouth hole. Side note: I do not recommend spending the first part of your Monday morning watching Taylor Swift’s mouth move over and over again, because I think she hypnotized me and now I really have the urge to make jam out of tears and the blood of my ex-boyfriends.
You know, I’m all for a trick telling any member of One Direction to “shut the fuck up,” but to me it looks like Taylor is saying, “Sorry my arm.” Let’s watch the video, because this is extremely important and none of us will be able to move on with our lives if we don’t know what Taylor said.
I’m sure the country’s most esteemed lip readers will clear their schedule and study this for hours, if not days, before telling us that she’s really saying, “John Mayer gave me herpes.” That makes the most sense. And Taylor may or may not have brought the bitchery when Harry Styles was one stage, but she brought it when she won Best Female Video for “I Knew You Were Trouble.” Taylor said:
“Thank you. Wow. I want to thank the fans because I tweeted about this a lot, I really really wanted this. I also want to thank the person that inspired this song, and he knows exactly who he is, because I got one of these!”
There she is! There’s the 8th grade bitchy mean girl we all know.
And here’s Taylor done up like a middle-aged, drunk cabaret singer from the 1930s.
Somebody please give me the number to Child Services and Animal Services in Britain, because somebody needs to report the motherfucker who did that to this child and the tortured animal on his head. And yes, I’m typing this while my own hair looks like a pile of hacked-up fur balls that was dried in an oven, teased with a broken fork and electrocuted, but we’re not talking about me here!
99% of the population in London is temporarily deaf right now, because thousands of Directioners screamed their tonsils off at the premiere of One Direction: This Is Us 3D tonight. The screams obviously scared Harry Styles’ hair, because that thing looks spooked as fuck. It looks traumatized. I don’t even know what’s going on with his hair. The top of his hair wants to be a pompadour, the back wants to be the party section of a mullet and the sides are giving me Dorothy Dandridge. It’s like three different people worked on that shit.
When you look at him from the front, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Zac Efron impersonator!” When you look at him from the back, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Billy Ray Cyrus impersonator!” And when you look at him from the side, you think to yourself, “Bless that Hasidic toddler for trying and failing to grow a pair of majestic side curls.”
And Harry might’ve looked a mess at tonight’s premiere, but at least one of his fans kept it one hundred percent sexy. Presenting…the hottest Directioner of them all!
Work that towel, girl! Just don’t tell us what you do with that towel when the lights go off and the One Direction songs come on.
Since crazy Directions will buy anything with One Direction’s name on it, the band of yodeling English and Irish twinkies are putting out a perfume called “Our Moment.” (The full title is: “It’s Our Moment So We’re Going To Make As Many Millions As We Can Before A New Group of Singing Fetuses Hatches And Takes Away Out Thunder.”) “Our Moment” could smell like the sewage system under a colonic clinic mixed with the scent a cokehead’s tonsil stones and those Directioners would still bathe in it, douche with it and gargle with it. So it makes sense that they’re putting out a bottle of stank, and to get their fans pre-creaming over its release in August, they put out a commercial.
Millions of Directions are currently numb from the waist down and flopping around on the floor and it’s all because about five seconds into the commercial, Harry Styles kisses the skinny one Zayn on the cheek. Those bitches know what they’re doing. Even though my heart doesn’t feel anything, that kiss is sort of sweet and it’s all because Harry Styles still looks like a quirky silent movie ingenue to me. And really, there’s so much twinkie homoeroticism in that commercial that it looks like a trailer for XY: THE MOVIE.
And hopefully for Harry Styles’ sake scientists discover that there’s so much acid in “Our Moment” that it can also be used to burn off tattoos you regret getting.
19-year-old Harry Styles had dinner with the Stewarts in L.A. the other night and some said that he was all over 33-year-old Kimbo Stewart and others said that he was all over 25-year-old Ruby Stewart and I said that he was obviously licking butter off of Rod Stewart’s voluptuous face mole. E! says they know which Stewart he’s screwing on and it’s none other than the relic from 2005 known as Kimberly Stewart.
Some source tells E! that Benicio Del Toro’s one night stand turned baby mother and Taylor Swift’s former stalking victim met through a mutual friend and it’s still early, but she likes him enough to introduce him to her whole family. The source said:
“Kim is very strong willed, she goes for what she wants and Harry appreciates that. It is a very new thing and we’ll see where it goes. She is exactly his type.”
I guess since Kimbo Stewart has one baby to take care of, she doesn’t mind taking care of another. I’m around Kimbo’s age and I couldn’t date a 19-year-old who looks like he just graduated from the 7th grade and looks like a toddler-aged Maggie Gyllenhaal in certain light. But I guess Kimbo’s got to do who she’s got to do to keep the paps coming at her.
And here’s some absolutely thrilling pictures of Harry getting coffee while Kimbo waited in the car.
Taylor Swift’s former slumber party snuggle buddy Harry Styles went to dinner at Dan Tana’s in L.A. with a bunch of the Stewarts last night and depending on who you ask, he’s bumping nipples with one of them.
The photo agency Pacific Coast News says that 19-year-old Harry was holding hands and kissing on the 33-year-old baby mother of Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart. The only good thing that can come out of Harry dating Kimbo Stewart is the crazed Directioners dragging her the same way that motorbike dragged her on the red carpet a million years ago. But PopCandies TV has video of Harry picking up a different Stewart. They have a video of 25-year-old Ruby Stewart getting a ride (not that kind of ride) from Harry Styles. So which Stewart is it or is Harry the pass-around-patty of the Stewart family and is doing all of them?
I say that it’s not Kimbo and it’s not Ruby and it’s not Penny Lancaster. I say that it’s the sexiest and easiest blonde tramp of the Stewart family: Rod Stewart!
My proof is this picture of Harry behind Rod. You can cut the sexual tension between those two with Kimbo’s chin. Harry is gazing away, because he’s so wrapped in a walking dream where he’s sucking on Rod’s juicy German Shepherd mole. Finally, a couple I can get behind. And no, I didn’t mean that in more ways than one.
And here’s the perfect viral for Taylor Swift’s line of sneakers for Keds.
One Direction was in the middle of performing at their show in Glasgow, Scotland last night when a shoe thrower, who is way more skilled at shoe throwing than the Dubya shoe thrower, distracted Harry Styles by throwing a shoe on stage before throwing a shoe directly at his cooch. Harry pretended like it hurt while Louis pretended like he wasn’t exploding into rainbows on the inside over the thought of kissing that boo boo backstage.
It looks like the shoe didn’t even hit Harry’s nuts, so I’m sure he’ll still be able to have little moppet children who will inherit his 1920s silent movie ingenue bob. It looks like the shoe just hit the tip of his peen. That’s not even the worst thing that has happened to his peen. That title goes to the time when Taylor Swift took a look at it and screamed, “Ewww! Gross! Penis,” before going back to making a fringe vest out of friendship bracelets for her cat.
via E! Online
Taylor Swift didn’t only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna’s VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn’t getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj’s British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.
What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn’t be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn’t Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she’s still going on about him? You’d think that by now Taylor Swift would’ve dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor’s game is slipping!
And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don’t mean that in a good way.
Here’s Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham’s yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night’s episode of Girls, I’m glad to see her fully clothed.