The Gymboree Mick Jagger (who happens to do an A+++ Mick Jagger impersonation) is on the cover of Rolling Stone looking like a stoned 70s hustler trying to push out a stubborn shit, and inside of the magazine, he talks about Taylor Swift and what he thinks of her writing songs about their relationship. Tay Tay’s Squad can stand down, because Harry only blew heart-shaped air kisses of niceness at her.
Yes, that is a picture of Harry Styles’ cut-off hair. Believe it or not, it’s not a picture of an electrocuted rat or Mr. Hankey in a fur coat made of frazzled horse hair.
A highly important moment in hairstory happened recently when Harry Styles became Not-As-Harry Styles by taking a machete to the glorious split ends wonderland on top of his head. Harry posted a picture on Instagram of his hand holding onto what looks like a dehydrated pony’s tail that is in dire need of an IV drip full of Gatorade. Harry posted this caption with the pic:
The Little Princess Trust is like Locks of Love. It’s a charity that gives real hair wigs to children with cancer.
I’m wondering why Harry didn’t auction off his hair and give the money to charity instead. There’s definitely thousands upon thousands of Directioners who would sell everything they own and steal from their own family members to buy it. Maybe Harry didn’t do that, because he knows what kind of sucio things they’d do to his hair. I don’t even know to know, but I’m assuming it involves Googling the question, “What type of resin do I use to turn a ponytail of hair into a dildo?”
And here’s pictures from earlier this year of Harry Styles’ stunning mane of Crisco beauty. RIP Harry Styles’ hairy fall of greasiness.
Between Rob Kardashian getting engaged to Blac Chyna -aka Angela Kardashian- and Kylie Jenner giving you busted down, put to the fire Barbie realness, Pimp Mama Kris needs a little ray of sunshine. She’s has been locked in her business woman lair for a week, probably, crying, knocking back highball glasses of white wine spritzer and having to put on her best serious voice for conference calls with the dark beings responsible for her manger of somewhat lifelike daughters. Well, today she can celebrate and step out for a little because the one that is clearly most embarrassed to come from the same gene pool, Kendall Jenner, is possibly back with someone who is, arguably, one of the most famous people in the world, Harry Styles. PMK needs the fame points of others or she may well cease to exist.
I don’t want to be cynical because that’s totally out of character for me, totally, but something about this just isn’t ringing true to me. First of all, we can’t see who the guy is in the picture. It could be a decoy for all we know! A lousy fake! A scam! PMK is desperate for some good press and taking attention away from Rob, the soiled one. This wouldn’t be the first time Kendall and Harry were questionably together. Remember when they had lunch with Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi on a yacht? Yeah. I don’t know what favor Ellen owed PMK, but my god, lunch with those two must have meant she had a huge debt to pay off.
I’d like to believe they’e for real because the world needs more love to balance out all the horrible, but I don’t think it’s worth my time or yours to look for love in a PMK ProduKtion. As I alluded to earlier, I have a feeling that were we to see the guy in the picture from the front, it would be a “B-” Harry impersonator. PMK isn’t known for her finesse and this is smelling of high school drama department level staging to me. Good try, Kris, but nothing will distract us from Rob’s Revenge: The Movie! He even got Kim to give the most lifelike performance of her life (via his Instagram):
Whoever said journalism has long been dead, buried and is worm shit now obviously doesn’t know that Lindsay Lohan is a guest editor at The Sun. Journalism has risen from the dead!
LiLo took a little time out from traveling the world with her Russian sugary sonny, to butt belch out her first column for The Sun. For her first piece, serious journalist LiLo wrote about how she could’ve smeared some of Harry Styles’ grainy dick cheese all over her freckled crotch crumpet. Remember when the Summer’s Eve Truman Capote named James Franco wrote a short story about the time Lindsay Lohan allegedly broke into his room at the Chateau Marmont and tried to get with him? Well, LiLo apparently sort of got a taste of her own medicine and she says Slutty Styles (copyright: Tumblr) was holding the spoon. LiLo says that early one morning in 2012, she got a knock on her hotel room door and when she opened it up, Harry Styles was on the other side and he wanted to fuck his way to a place on her hump list. Here’s some (maybe) fanfic courtesy of LiLo:
“I didn’t know it was him. He was in a suit. I said, ‘Well, you’re very good-looking – can I help you?’ That was it. He was like, ‘I’m Harry. Gavin and Michael sent me here.’ I was in bed. I was like, ‘I’m going to bed but it was nice to meet you.’ It was 2am, I had just come back from an AA meeting. I looked like shit too. I was wearing a big hotel robe, I had a slip under it. It was not a good look.
It didn’t click who he was at the time. I told my sister the next day and she was like, ‘Wait, are you kidding me? Do you understand? Do you have his number? Can I have it?'”
LiLo went on to say that she recently ran into Harry at a party in L.A. and he said that he knocked on her door at 2am because some friends dared him to.
Lindsay was bumping lubed-up parts with a member of The Wanted (aka the O-Town to One Direction’s Backstreet Boys) in 2012, so I love the thought of her turning down Harry Styles. But maybe this was all just a case of mistaken identity. Maybe the mess who knocked at her door at 2am was really a greasy homeless drug dealer who sold her a baggie of the bad shit once and wanted to make another sale. Confusing a greasy homeless drug dealer with Harry Styles is an honest mistake!
Since we’re on the subject of dudes that look like they reek of tonsil stones-encrusted dick cheese boiling in a pot of Brad Pitt’s ass crack syrup, here’s a CNN-worthy story about how Pimp Mama Kris’ #3 girl said that the Nick Jr. Mick Jagger could kill an elephant with his nasty stench.
During an episode of the pro-Illuminati docu-series Krapping Up the Kartrashians, dead-eyed Kendull Jenner and dead-eyed Kylie Jenner had riveting conversation about how her friends with PR benefits partner Harry Styles is Pig Pen’s stank hero. via The Daily Mail
Speaking to her youngster sibling Kylie Jenner, 18, in an upcoming episode of their family’s E! reality TV show Keeping Up With the Kardashians she said: ‘I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.’
And this isn’t the first time Harry has been told by a girl that he stinks, as his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift – whom he dated briefly in 2013 – claimed she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him when they were dating because he had ‘the worst breath.’
Now I’m not saying that deodorant doesn’t immediately snap back into its container when it gets near one of Harry Styles’ juicy pits, but I don’t think Kendull is the one to properly judge the scent of a human. Look at what she’s around a lot of the time. Most of her family members look like they smell like car paint, new plastic and the blood of Satan. Not to mention that they’ve most likely had every single one of their pores filled in with spackling paste and Botox, because pores are fugly! So whenever Kendull inhales the scent of anything that’s remotely human-smelling, her nostrils close up and she gets the heaves. Kind of like what you do whenever you see a Kartrashian post!
Yesterday, Amish hipster Harry Styles was “caught” (read: the paps showed up at the right place at the right time) kissing on the most legitimate Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, on a yacht in St. Barts. I guess Harry didn’t want to spend another day listening to Kendall’s pimp, Kris Jenner, barking “What is this, amateur hour? Arch your ass harder!” at them from the upper deck, so they called up Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi and invited them over for lunch. “Fine. You get an hour. But after that, it’s back to choreographed cuddling” hissed Kris Jenner, before muttering “Kim would never have taken a break…” under her breath.
According to People, Kendall and Harry had lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht, which makes totally sense and isn’t random at all, because why wouldn’t a 57-year-old woman and her 42-year-old wife want to hang out with two fame-humping fetuses? No, it’s probably because Kris Jenner wanted to see if she could get any more mileage out of those gay rumors before retiring them to the back of the Kardashian Rumor Kloset, and Ellen and Portia were the most famous gayelles available in St. Barts.
Here’s more riveting photos of Kendall and Harry having lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht earlier today. You know you truly have your priorities in order when all you care about is what they had for lunch. Who cares about those two pieces of stale dry toast – I wanna know what kind of rich people food they ate! Like, those paps took 6.8 million pictures and you mean to tell me they couldn’t get one clear shot of the food? Jesus, get it together.