Between Rob Kardashian getting engaged to Blac Chyna -aka Angela Kardashian- and Kylie Jenner giving you busted down, put to the fire Barbie realness, Pimp Mama Kris needs a little ray of sunshine. She’s has been locked in her business woman lair for a week, probably, crying, knocking back highball glasses of white wine spritzer and having to put on her best serious voice for conference calls with the dark beings responsible for her manger of somewhat lifelike daughters. Well, today she can celebrate and step out for a little because the one that is clearly most embarrassed to come from the same gene pool, Kendall Jenner, is possibly back with someone who is, arguably, one of the most famous people in the world, Harry Styles. PMK needs the fame points of others or she may well cease to exist.
I don’t want to be cynical because that’s totally out of character for me, totally, but something about this just isn’t ringing true to me. First of all, we can’t see who the guy is in the picture. It could be a decoy for all we know! A lousy fake! A scam! PMK is desperate for some good press and taking attention away from Rob, the soiled one. This wouldn’t be the first time Kendall and Harry were questionably together. Remember when they had lunch with Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi on a yacht? Yeah. I don’t know what favor Ellen owed PMK, but my god, lunch with those two must have meant she had a huge debt to pay off.
I’d like to believe they’e for real because the world needs more love to balance out all the horrible, but I don’t think it’s worth my time or yours to look for love in a PMK ProduKtion. As I alluded to earlier, I have a feeling that were we to see the guy in the picture from the front, it would be a “B-” Harry impersonator. PMK isn’t known for her finesse and this is smelling of high school drama department level staging to me. Good try, Kris, but nothing will distract us from Rob’s Revenge: The Movie! He even got Kim to give the most lifelike performance of her life (via his Instagram):
Whoever said journalism has long been dead, buried and is worm shit now obviously doesn’t know that Lindsay Lohan is a guest editor at The Sun. Journalism has risen from the dead!
LiLo took a little time out from traveling the world with her Russian sugary sonny, to butt belch out her first column for The Sun. For her first piece, serious journalist LiLo wrote about how she could’ve smeared some of Harry Styles’ grainy dick cheese all over her freckled crotch crumpet. Remember when the Summer’s Eve Truman Capote named James Franco wrote a short story about the time Lindsay Lohan allegedly broke into his room at the Chateau Marmont and tried to get with him? Well, LiLo apparently sort of got a taste of her own medicine and she says Slutty Styles (copyright: Tumblr) was holding the spoon. LiLo says that early one morning in 2012, she got a knock on her hotel room door and when she opened it up, Harry Styles was on the other side and he wanted to fuck his way to a place on her hump list. Here’s some (maybe) fanfic courtesy of LiLo:
“I didn’t know it was him. He was in a suit. I said, ‘Well, you’re very good-looking – can I help you?’ That was it. He was like, ‘I’m Harry. Gavin and Michael sent me here.’ I was in bed. I was like, ‘I’m going to bed but it was nice to meet you.’ It was 2am, I had just come back from an AA meeting. I looked like shit too. I was wearing a big hotel robe, I had a slip under it. It was not a good look.
It didn’t click who he was at the time. I told my sister the next day and she was like, ‘Wait, are you kidding me? Do you understand? Do you have his number? Can I have it?'”
LiLo went on to say that she recently ran into Harry at a party in L.A. and he said that he knocked on her door at 2am because some friends dared him to.
Lindsay was bumping lubed-up parts with a member of The Wanted (aka the O-Town to One Direction’s Backstreet Boys) in 2012, so I love the thought of her turning down Harry Styles. But maybe this was all just a case of mistaken identity. Maybe the mess who knocked at her door at 2am was really a greasy homeless drug dealer who sold her a baggie of the bad shit once and wanted to make another sale. Confusing a greasy homeless drug dealer with Harry Styles is an honest mistake!
Since we’re on the subject of dudes that look like they reek of tonsil stones-encrusted dick cheese boiling in a pot of Brad Pitt’s ass crack syrup, here’s a CNN-worthy story about how Pimp Mama Kris’ #3 girl said that the Nick Jr. Mick Jagger could kill an elephant with his nasty stench.
During an episode of the pro-Illuminati docu-series Krapping Up the Kartrashians, dead-eyed Kendull Jenner and dead-eyed Kylie Jenner had riveting conversation about how her friends with PR benefits partner Harry Styles is Pig Pen’s stank hero. via The Daily Mail
Speaking to her youngster sibling Kylie Jenner, 18, in an upcoming episode of their family’s E! reality TV show Keeping Up With the Kardashians she said: ‘I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.’
And this isn’t the first time Harry has been told by a girl that he stinks, as his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift – whom he dated briefly in 2013 – claimed she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him when they were dating because he had ‘the worst breath.’
Now I’m not saying that deodorant doesn’t immediately snap back into its container when it gets near one of Harry Styles’ juicy pits, but I don’t think Kendull is the one to properly judge the scent of a human. Look at what she’s around a lot of the time. Most of her family members look like they smell like car paint, new plastic and the blood of Satan. Not to mention that they’ve most likely had every single one of their pores filled in with spackling paste and Botox, because pores are fugly! So whenever Kendull inhales the scent of anything that’s remotely human-smelling, her nostrils close up and she gets the heaves. Kind of like what you do whenever you see a Kartrashian post!
Yesterday, Amish hipster Harry Styles was “caught” (read: the paps showed up at the right place at the right time) kissing on the most legitimate Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, on a yacht in St. Barts. I guess Harry didn’t want to spend another day listening to Kendall’s pimp, Kris Jenner, barking “What is this, amateur hour? Arch your ass harder!” at them from the upper deck, so they called up Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi and invited them over for lunch. “Fine. You get an hour. But after that, it’s back to choreographed cuddling” hissed Kris Jenner, before muttering “Kim would never have taken a break…” under her breath.
According to People, Kendall and Harry had lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht, which makes totally sense and isn’t random at all, because why wouldn’t a 57-year-old woman and her 42-year-old wife want to hang out with two fame-humping fetuses? No, it’s probably because Kris Jenner wanted to see if she could get any more mileage out of those gay rumors before retiring them to the back of the Kardashian Rumor Kloset, and Ellen and Portia were the most famous gayelles available in St. Barts.
Here’s more riveting photos of Kendall and Harry having lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht earlier today. You know you truly have your priorities in order when all you care about is what they had for lunch. Who cares about those two pieces of stale dry toast – I wanna know what kind of rich people food they ate! Like, those paps took 6.8 million pictures and you mean to tell me they couldn’t get one clear shot of the food? Jesus, get it together.
At a One Direction show in San Diego, CA on July 9th, Harry Styles, who is a dolphin lover (not like that, I think), told his army of crazed fans to stay away from SeaWorld:
The moment he said that, the sea creatures at SeaWorld started packing up their shit, because they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be set free. The next day, SeaWorld wrote an open letter to Harry Styles. They asked him to come visit so that he can see all the good they do for dolphins and whales. It didn’t work.
Market Watch reports that analysts at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse measured a gigantic spike in hate on the Internet against SeaWorld right after Harry Styles declared a boycott. Credit Suisse measured “the ratio of positive to negative commentary across the Web.” Analysts say that in July, 2.5 million comments were made about SeaWorld and that’s a 400% spike from June. There was a 13% increase in negative comments. They say that was the biggest amount of anti-SeaWorld hate since Blackfish aired. Harry Styles doesn’t really deserve all the credit. Reports of a SeaWorld employee going undercover at PETA also hurt their asses.
SeaWorld is supposed to do a big re-launch in November to try to save their brand, but experts believe they’ll probably speed up their plans. Experts also think that SeaWorld will survive Harry Styles’ words. Or will they? Never underestimate the power of a toddler who is hypnotized by Harry Styles’ wild mane.
First, that Liam Payne one made Burger King bring back chicken fries by tweeting about how much he loves chicken fries and now this. Here I was thinking that the raccoons are going to enslave us humans and become our new overlords, but I was wrong. These jeggings-wearing yodelers will soon become our new dictators. But are they the kind of dictators who take requests? Because I’ll totally show my allegiance to Dictator Styles by tattooing cracked out birds on my nalgas if he tells Kraft to bring back Jell-O and commands his army to stop Trump.
It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.
Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.
So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).
I just got a little excited picturing Harry Styles at home watching Black Knight on DVD, but then I realized we’re talking about the boring Martin Lawrence, and I was like “Oh, that makes much more sense.” On Saturday night, pint-sized hipster heartthrob Harry Styles celebrated his 21st birthday in Los Angeles with his current contract piece, panty model Nadine Leopold, as well a whole mess of famous types, including Adele, Rashida Jones, Adam Levine, the only Kardashian with an actual job Kendull Jenner, and Cara Delevingne. And if that wasn’t a random enough guest list, People says the human mug of Theraflu Chris Martin and the manic hottie dream fart Jennifer Lawrence were there too.
People says there were no cameras allowed inside Harry’s birthday, so we don’t really know for sure if Martin Lawrence was actually there at all. After all, pictures of Martin Lawrence are as rare as a clear shot of Bigfoot. For all we know, it could have been Chris Martin standing next to a sexy enchanted piece of pizza, or Jennifer Lawrence holding a very large sleepy-looking scarf. Or the actual Martin Lawrence. What? Maybe he was there to pop out of a cake dressed as Sheneneh to sing “Happy Birthday”. That’s what I’d want for my birthday.
Speaking of cake, People says Harry had four birthday cakes. FOUR. CAKES. Sorry, remember what I said about Sheneneh popping out of a cake? I take it back. I’d want four cakes. If one was to have Martin Lawrence dressed as Sheneneh inside it, that’s fine. And I’m guessing he had four cakes in case one of his guests (cough JLAW cough) decided to prove how fun and down to earth they are by smashing a handful of cake into someone’s face. “Okay, if you want chocolate, vanilla, or lemon chiffon, you’re over here. If you want attention, that red velvet with extra icing in the corner is for you.“
I see his management team is still working the tall skinny blonde angle. NO! I’m sure this is a totally real and not at all cooked up in a publicist’s office kind of relationship. Then again, does it really matter? All the rabid Directioners need to hear is that their beloved elfin hipster heartthrob Harry Styles is dating someone and it ISN’T them. If you have a young person in your life, I’m sorry – I’m sure there’s a lot of angry screaming happening in your house right now. I’ll pray for your ears.
According to UsWeekly, said person is a 21-year-old Victoria’s Secret panty model who goes by the name of Nadine Leopold (or as I’m sure she’s known on Twitter at the present moment, that slut skank man-stealing bitch pig). A source claims Harry began seeing Nadine back in November after being introduced to her by CAA agent Jeff Azoff, and they have been getting “more serious” ever since. The source says they’re not exclusive, but they have been spending a lot of time together. For example, Harry took Nadine out for two birthday dinners this week. Two birthday dinners? Who does Nadine think she is, a Kardashian?
Even though two birthday dinners is pretty much my definition of a bottom bitch, another source says Harry’s relationship with Nadine is not that serious and Harry is just having fun:
“Harry is having a good time being a young rock star. You will know he has a girlfriend when he steps out on the red carpet with one. Until then, he’s having fun and enjoying life.”
So basically what they’re saying is that they still have a commitment to at least 8 more totally candid pap sessions and 4-to-6 blurry Instagram selfies before management will consider going over the terms of a red carpet appearance.
Poor Kristen Wiig; little does she know that she’s 24-hours away from receiving a box containing the severed head of a Peppermint Rose doll along with a letter written in pink glitter gel pen on monogrammed stationery that says “STAY AWAY, BITCH xoxo Tay Tay“. No, I’m sure Taylor Swift doesn’t care about Harry Styles anymore; he’s been out of her current famous friendship roster for a while.
But back to Kristen and Harry. UsWeekly says that it all happened at a Saturday Night Live afterparty early Sunday morning. Harry was there because One Direction was this week’s musical guest, and Kristen was there because it’s the holiday season and she thought she’d do a little charity work by making a cameo in a sketch or two. Well, we all know that weird stuff happens when you mix work colleagues and booze and Saturday nights, so naturally 20-year-old Harry would grab 41-year-old Kristen Wiig and start dirty dancing to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” during the afterparty. And thankfully, it was all caught on video, because who of us wouldn’t want to see Kristen Wiig do the Kristen Wiig Shoulder Shruggy Dance with one of the barely-legal tricks from One Direction?
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.