Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block declared yesterday that he and his man are promised to be married. And on today’s Ellen, Ricky Martin declares that he and his Venti cup full of Syrian-born hotness of a man are promised to be married too. I hope this trend of middle-aged former boy banders getting engaged to a sexy piece of man meat continues and one of my favorite boy band pieces Devin Lima of LFO (it’s the brows) comes out as gay and a nudist and shares naked pictures of he and his man getting engaged on a nudist colony. After these couple of weeks, you owe me this, universe!
When I read that Abby Wambach is with a Christian mom blogger, the voice inside my head screaming the words, “Please let it be Anna Duggar,” was so loud that I think I have a few more cracks on my skull. But it’s not Anna Duggar.
While dingle-brained Backdoor Farrah once again tries to convince everyone that an actual adoption agency is willing to give her another tiny human life to ruin, Matt Dallas (or “WHO?!” to anybody who doesn’t know about the show Kyle XY) and his husband of a year, Blue Hamilton, announced that they have adopted a 2-year-old boy named Crow. Does anybody know if Matt and Blue named Crow or did he get that name from his birth parents? Because I need to know who to direct my judgmental looks toward.
Matt and Blue crammed ten thousand “LOOK AT MY NEW KID” Facebook posts into an 11-minute long video where they talk about why they decided to go with adoption. Crow was in foster care in Arizona and they got a 6-month trial period with him, but they knew from almost the moment meeting him that they wanted to make it permanent. WARNING: This quote will put a certain Rick Astley song in your head. via Towleroad
“We just happened to fall in love with this certain little boy who came to stay with us. During the car ride home, we decided that he was gonna be ours and we weren’t gonna give him up.” Matt added, “There was supposed to be a six month trial period, and there was about a six-minute trial period before we knew he was gonna be ours.”
The video is below. My heart is wet ash covered in ice and even it warmed a little while watching this. But I’m going to the mall in a second so I’m sure it’ll freeze again as a I curse whores out while trying to find a parking space.
And if you didn’t watch all 5 hours of that video and are wondering if Matt’s kid has a bellybutton, the answer is I don’t know, because I didn’t watch every second of it either.
— Brooklyn Nets (@BrooklynNets) February 23, 2014
And to answer the question in your head after reading that headline, yes, I had to Google to see what the NBA stood for, because I wasn’t quite sure. The National Beyonce Admirers Club? The National footBall Association? The National Basketball Association? Yeah, that’s it.
Back in April, professional 35-year-old basketball player Jason Collins did the hand-to-face pose on the cover of Sports Illustrated and announced that yes, he likes peen and man ass. Jason was a free agent at the time, but he’s a free agent no more. The Brooklyn Nets tweeted a picture of Jason Collins signing a 10-day contract with their asses. The Nets burped out this statement to USA Today after Jason Collins signed his name on the contract, making that shit official:
“The decision to sign Jason was a basketball decision. We needed to increase our depth inside, and with his experience and size, we felt he was the right choice for a 10-day contract. Jason told us that his goal was to earn another contract with an NBA team. Today, I want to commend him on achieving his goal. I know everyone in the NBA family is excited for him and proud that our league fosters an inclusive and respectful environment.”
I had to look up that 10-day contract shit, because I thought it was a typo and then thought that these motherfuckers created the 10-day contract for Jason and Jason only. Homophobic whores! But I guess the 10-day contract is pretty normal this late in the season. The 10-day contract is when a free agent type signs a contract which lasts 10 days or 3 games, whichever comes first. A team can only sign a player to two 10-day contracts. After the 10 or 20 days is up, the team either has to say their goodbyes or sign the player up for the rest of the season. The more we all know.
ESPN says that Jason Collins is expected to play tonight during the Nets vs. Lakers game. So I guess this means that for the first time in the history of my life, I’m going to watch a basketball game tonight. Fire up the bong. I’m going to need it.
I stopped watching The Biggest Loser, because I could feel that muscular Steven Tyler look-alike Jillian Michaels judging me as I poured crumbs from a bag of Famous Amos directly into the not-so-famous anus on my face, but I really thought that Bob Harper proudly declared his love of hard dick and man ass a long, long time ago. I was wrong, because last night, I got a few emails telling me that Bob Harper came out on an episode of The Biggest Loser. At that moment I wish that I would’ve read the name “Bob Harper” as “Bob Barker,” because the image of Bob Barker spraying his tanned old man gravy on a pair of man nalgas would’ve been the perfect nighttime treat.
On last night’s episode, 48-year-old Bob Harper publicly came out to contestant Bobby Saleem who was struggling with coming out to his father. As Bobby threw a , “Girl, we know,” look, Bob Harper said to him:
“I’m gay. I knew a very long time ago that I was gay. When I ‘came out’ I was 17 years old, it was one of those kind of things, where I realized there was going to be so many obstacles. But being gay doesn’t mean that you are less than any.body.else. It’s just who you are.”
After the show, Bob Harper thanked all of his Twitter followers for filling his eyes with words of support.
And I think my headline should really read: Bob Harper Comes Out As A 48-Year-Old… because DAMN.
Somebody give Tom Hanks a sugar-free chocolate to cheer him up, because he’s sitting all alone and sad on a park bench sine Jennifer Lawrence took his title as the most-beloved nice guy movie star of our time. Actually, that’s not very nice of Jennifer Lawrence!
At The Hungry Games: Catching Fire premiere in London yesterday, Jennifer Lawrence was working the line when she saw a little fan crying in a wheelchair. If Jennifer Lawrence was Miley, she’d probably make the fan cry more by twerking on her face. But Jennifer made them move the barricade so she could have a moment with the girl. The part of me that actually feels things said, “Awww. She’s nice.” The part of me that is a bitter, cynical whore said, “SET UP! SET UP! What won’t she do to sell that movie?!”
Here’s Jennifer talking to her crying fan from another angle.
After Jennifer left, the girl cried even more, because she realized the woman with the short hair who she thought was her biggest idol, Katie Couric circa 1997, wasn’t Katie Couric circa 1997.
And here’s Jennifer, Elizabeth Banks, Miley’s ex and Peeta Bread at the Catching Fire premiere in Berlin today.